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There's a story running underneath your life, and the strange thing is, you probably can't see it. Not because you're not smart or self-aware. It's just almost impossible to see the pattern you're standing inside of. Way easier to spot in other people, of course! This week I'm joined by Megan Macedo, the writer and teacher who helped me find my way back to my own work after a long pause. Megan has spent more than a decade helping people surface the stories they're unconsciously living - how to actually see the pattern you keep repeating, why your story lives in your body and not just your head, and what it takes to start living a truer one. We talk about the "power of insignificance" and why the next small step matters more than the big legacy, the four stages every story cycle moves through (and why knowing where you are makes the hard parts bearable), and the quietly radical idea that the real gift of telling your story isn't being understood by other people, it's finally understanding yourself. This one is close to my heart, because it sits right where I care most: getting grounded enough in yourself that the deeper change becomes possible, and never having to do that work alone. You'll discover: - Why the pattern running your life is so hard to see from the inside, and the simple exercise that finally brings it into view - How your story lives in your body, which is why insight alone never quite seems to change anything - The four stages every story cycle moves through, and why "Act Two is supposed to be hard" is strangely freeing - Why "this worked for me, so it'll work for you" is the most misleading promise in personal growth - The surprising truth that telling your story is less about being understood by others and more about understanding yourself - Why we're never meant to do this work alone, and what "having someone at the door" actually gives you Whether you feel stuck in a loop you can't name, or you just want to understand yourself a little more honestly, let this conversation with Megan Macedo help you dive deep into the story of your own life! --- Megan and I had such a rich conversation that we decided to co-teach a workshop together called The Stories We Live. Over three sessions, Megan brings the writing that surfaces the story you've been living, and I bring the somatic, emotional, and nervous-system work that helps you move through it and into a version of your story that's more true to who you are. You don't need to be a writer - you just have to be willing to get a clear look at your own life. We'll create a safe space to help you get there. If that speaks to you, you can find all the details here: https://www.neilsattin.com/story Claim your Free Top 3 Communication Secrets here: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate You don't have to do it alone. Join the Relationship Alive & Thrive Community for affordable support: https://www.neilsattin.com/thrive Want to regulate your nervous system and develop rock-solid emotional resilience? https://www.neilsattin.com/connected Find out more about Megan Macedo, her writing, and her work, and sign up for her mailing list: https://www.meganmacedo.com Chapters "00:00 - Welcome back, and the person who helped me find my way home""02:29 - The power of insignificance""07:59 - You have no choice but to be yourself""12:03 - Start from the raw materials of your life: two ways in" "18:19 - Why your story lives in your body, not just your head""21:13 - The stages of a story cycle" "25:01 - Crisis, breakthrough, epiphany, and why it never ends""29:00 - Workshop""30:15 - Why we're never meant to do this alone""31:54 - The real gift of story work: understanding yourself""33:44 - How being truly accompanied is where the healing happens""37:09 - Psychological safety, and the midwife at the door""39:18 - Being the steady presence your kids carry with them""41:13 - Letting yourself need someone, even as an adult""44:56 - The war paradigm that trains us to abandon ourselves""46:34 - Why you can only see your story from a distance""48:51 - Megan's work now: an artistic approach to everything""51:52 - What living artistically really means (your body already knows)""55:18 - Closing: build a container of safety, then trust yourself"

You walk into the room, and there's your partner - the person you love - but after last night's fight, just the sight of them sets off the alarm bells in your body. If you've ever felt that, you're not broken, and you're not alone. It's one of the most human things there is. In this episode, I'm back with Dr. Peter Levine - developer of Somatic Experiencing and author of Waking the Tiger - for his fourth visit to Relationship Alive, and our most personal conversation yet. We get into what actually helps when the person closest to you becomes the one your nervous system reads as dangerous: how to settle yourself first, lead with a little honest vulnerability, and find your way back to each other after conflict. Then, in a very practical part two, Peter shows how to work with those moments when just your partner's voice or face leaves you tense or shut down: how to gently separate the feeling in your body from the story you're telling about it, take each other's hand, and walk toward the hard thing together. Along the way Peter shares, with remarkable openness, the story behind his new memoir and what he's learning about living - and loving - fully in his later years. This one is close to my heart, because it lives right at the place I care about most: regulation as the foundation, and the deeper repair, trust, and reconnection it makes possible. You'll discover: Why the same partner who holds your happiest memories can also trigger fight-or-flight, and what to do in that exact moment The simple, honest thing to say when you're too activated to talk well ("I just realized I'm activated right now - can we come back to this in a few minutes?") How to separate the body sensation from the story, so an old trigger starts to loosen its grip How to be the steady, present anchor when your partner is the one working through something hard Why doing your own work first is often what makes coming back together actually possible Whether you're in a rough patch, rebuilding after a rupture, or you just want to be able to stay connected when things get charged, I think you'll find a lot here to hold onto. Content note: Around the 18-minute mark, Peter shares openly about severe childhood trauma, including sexual abuse, as part of the larger story of how he worked through it - revisiting a positive memory to renegotiate the trauma and put it in the past where it belongs. If that's tender for you, you can skip from about 18:05 to about 19:40 to move past the hardest part and into how he healed. (I also flag this in the episode itself with a short heads-up around 17:37, right before the section.) Take good care of yourself. Peter and I had such a good conversation that we decided to co-teach a workshop called Regulate to Communicate - all about how to stay present and relaxed no matter how challenging the situation gets. If that sounds like it could help, you can find the details here:https://www.neilsattin.com/workshop Claim your Free Top 3 Communication Secrets here:https://www.neilsattin.com/relate You don't have to do it alone. Join the Relationship Alive & Thrive Community for affordable support:https://www.neilsattin.com/thrive Want to regulate your nervous system, and develop rock-solid emotional resilience?https://www.neilsattin.com/connected This is Peter's fourth time on the show. Here's how to find our earlier conversations: Peter 1 (Episode 29): https://www.neilsattin.com/peter1 Peter 2 (Episode 127): https://www.neilsattin.com/peter2 Peter 3 (Episode 198): https://www.neilsattin.com/peter3 Learn more about Peter Levine, Somatic Experiencing, and his books - including Waking the Tiger and his new memoir, An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey:https://www.somaticexperiencing.com

I've been working with high-conflict couples for more than a decade. While every couple is different, there's a consistent way that they either solve their conflict (or stay stuck). And it turns out that it works for ANY kind of conflict. In this episode of Relationship Alive, you'll learn the proven framework to take any challenging conversation from confrontation to collaboration. Whether you're trying to figure out how to talk about politics with family, navigate a disagreement with your partner, or have a difficult conversation with someone you care about - the skills are the same. I break down the three steps that actually work to move past the divide, find common ground, and stay connected even when you deeply disagree. In this episode you'll learn: - Why trying to convince someone they're wrong almost never works - How to stay regulated when a conversation gets heated - The three steps to move from argument to collaboration - How to find common values underneath surface-level disagreements - Why relationship conflicts and political conflicts have the same root cause FREE Guide to my Top 3 Communication Secrets: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate Regulate to Communicate workshop co-taught with Peter Levine: https://www.neilsattin.com/workshop Reach out: neilius at neilsattin dot com 00:00:00 Intro 00:01:20 The Key Problem - How We (Don’t) Learn to Handle Conflict 00:03:00 The Pitfalls of Democracy When It Comes to Resolving Conflict 00:05:20 A Simple Framework for Getting Through Conflict 00:06:43 The Importance of an Actual Conversation 00:08:08 Do You have to be calm for a challenging convo? 00:09:22 Do the specifics Matter? 00:10:09 The Most Important Priorities 00:12:08 What about When the Other Person Can’t Show Up? 00:14:53 What Keeps Couples Stuck - and how to undo it 00:17:11 Another KEY skill 00:21:16 How to Be Ready to Fail 00:22:15 Bringing this together for politics and other conflicts

When you’re stuck, you have powerful internal drives that you can harness to get unstuck. I’m not talking about pain vs. pleasure, or fear vs. love - instead, it’s the power of connection that enables you to overcome any issues, no matter how seemingly insurmountable . Today’s guest is Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and author of “Hold Me Tight.” In this interview, perhaps one of her last recorded conversations, Sue talks about the development and practice of EFIT - Emotionally Focused INDIVIDUAL Therapy - and offers a virtual masterclass in how this approach can transform your life. Witness exactly how Sue Johnson masterfully harnesses the science - and art - of attachment to create a deep sense of safety, and then use it as a solid foundation for growth and change. This episode is dedicated to the memory of Sue Johnson, who was a gracious, frequent guest here on Relationship Alive. Her willingness to privilege emotion, through scientific rigor, elevated our understanding of how relationships work, and how we humans can grow, change, and connect more deeply. Thank you, Sue, for everything. Visit ICEEFT to learn more about Sue Johnson’s work, find an EFT Therapist (or EFIT, or EFFT), learn about her books, and get training. https://www.iceeft.com Claim your Free Top 3 Communication Secrets here: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate Want to regulate your nervous system, and develop rock-solid emotional resilience? https://www.neilsattin.com/connected

What if the parts of yourself you're most ashamed to show are actually your greatest assets in building deep, lasting relationships? In this powerful conversation, renowned therapist and Deeper Dating author Ken Page reveals why vulnerability isn't a weakness to overcome - it's your secret weapon for attracting people who truly see and value you. If you're tired of playing dating games, hiding who you really are, or attracting people who can't handle your authentic self, this episode will completely shift how you approach connection. Plus, you'll see how to bring your authentic self into your existing relationships in a way that keeps you safe, while inviting others to be more real with you too. You'll discover: Why "attractions of deprivation" keep you stuck with the wrong people The one question that instantly reveals if someone is right for you How to lead with your "core gifts" instead of your protective armor Why being more vulnerable actually makes you MORE discerning (not less) Whether you're single, dating, or in a relationship that needs deeper intimacy, Ken's insights will help you stop exhausting yourself trying to be "enough" for the wrong people and start attracting those who celebrate exactly who you are. This is Ken's third appearance on Relationship Alive—you can find our previous conversations about Deeper Dating fundamentals (Episode 30) and Fear of Intimacy (Episode 53) at neilsattin.com Ready to turn your vulnerability into your superpower? Listen now. Also - Claim your Free Top 3 Communication Secrets here: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate

Your negative thoughts feel like the enemy. They sure can get in the way of your goals and dreams! But when you embrace your negative thinking, you'll uncover a surprising paradox that suddenly turns them into your most powerful allies. In this episode of Relationship Alive, you'll learn how to transform your negative thoughts into fuel for your biggest goals. In the process, you'll heal old wounds...and free up tons of energy and motivation that's been stuck. Links mentioned: *FREE 3-step communication guide: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate *Regulate your nervous system and develop Emotional Resilience: https://www.neilsattin.com/foundationcourse *Communication Workshop co-taught with Peter Levine: https://www.neilsattin.com/workshop *Support for the process: https://www.neilsattin.com/coaching

What if everything you've been taught about keeping desire alive in long-term relationships is fundamentally wrong? In this revealing conversation with Dr. Emily Nagoski, we challenge the cultural "desire imperative" that has us constantly chasing an elusive spark. Discover why pleasure - not spontaneous desire - is the true measure of sexual wellbeing, and how understanding your "emotional floor plan" can create pathways to connection. Dr. Nagoski shares research-backed insights on how couples who maintain vibrant sexual connections focus on co-creating unique experiences rather than following cultural scripts. Whether you're experiencing mismatched desire patterns or simply want to deepen your intimate connection, this episode offers a revolutionary framework for sustainable pleasure that evolves alongside your relationship. Link for more info: https://www.neilsattin.com/nagoski2 FREE Communication Guide: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate Emotional Resilience Course: https://www.neilsattin.com/foundation

What if the most important relationship skills were hiding in plain sight? In this episode, I return with two deceptively simple principles that form the foundation of ANY healthy relationship. Whether you're struggling with conflict, disconnection, or just want to take your relationships to the next level - these obvious (but often overlooked) truths will transform how you connect with others. Learn why kindness isn't just 'nice' but scientifically proven to be essential, and discover the single skill that unlocks all others: emotional resilience. Finally, you'll discover how to use your emotional skills to deal with a jerk - to connect, turn things around, and set meaningful boundaries. Links mentioned: FREE Top 3 Communication Strategies - https://www.neilsattin.com/relate From Chaos to Connected: Mastering Emotional Regulation and Resilience https://www.neilsattin.com/foundation

I stepped away from the Relationship Alive podcast for a "quick break" that was only supposed to last a month or two. That break became a journey of two and a half years, diving deep into questions about life, and meaning, and whether or not Relationship Alive should even continue. The journey also included a humbling exploration of where Relationship Alive might have gone wrong in those first 255 episodes. Nothing like hindsight to make certain things obvious! Now I'm back to share with you some of the answers to those questions. What did I miss during all of those 255 episodes? Is there still a reason for Relationship Alive to exist? And, assuming the answer is yes (hint: it is), where are we going from here? Along the way, there are some personal reveals that just might help you make sense of it all - as it has for me. I've missed you, and I'm happy to be back. Let's do this.

It's easy to talk about being courageous - but how do you actually take action when it feels like a huge risk? Whether it's the decision to enter a relationship, or to leave a relationship, or all of the moments within a relationship when you might have to make a choice that feels a little edgy or scary - today's episode is going to focus on the practical steps to taking action...courageously. Don't just "feel the fear and do it anyway" - learn how to prepare yourself so that you stand the best chance of succeeding in a moment that requires your courage. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Resources: Check out my Secrets of Relationship Communication COURSE for a masterclass in how to improve the communication and connection in your relationship. I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil’s Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner’s Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast Amazing intro and outro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters Transcript: Neil Sattin: So let's get on with this conversation about courage and how to actually be courageous. Now, the way I see it, courage is required before you get into a relationship, while you're in a relationship, and if you decide that you're going to leave the relationship, that requires courage too. Courage is required all the way through when you are, let's say, meeting people going out on dates, it may require courage for you to ask someone out and it may require courage for you to follow up with a the person, it might require courage for you to ask for what you want. Interested in reading the transcript for the rest of this episode?  Click here to download the full transcript of this episode!

It's easy to talk about being generous in your relationship - but how do you actually put it into practice - especially when things feel unfair or out of balance? If you're stuck in fighting for fairness in your relationship, it's time to learn a new way of being together where shared success becomes the rule - not the exception. Today we're talking with Kaley and Nate Klemp, authors of "The 80/80 Marriage - A New Model for a Healthier, Stronger Relationship." You'll get practical steps to foster radical generosity in your relationship. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Also, see below for links to our other episodes with Stan Tatkin. Resources: Check out "The 80/80 Marriage" on Amazon Take a quiz, get more information about Nate and Kaley Klemp and their book, the 80/80 Marriage - by clicking here. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Or...check out the Secrets of Relationship Communication complete course! Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/8080 to download the transcript to this episode with Nate and Kaley Klemp. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript of this episode: Neil Sattin: Let's just start maybe with you're revealing a little bit of your personal journey, if you don't mind, getting a little vulnerable with, how did 8080 come to be for the two of you? Nate Klemp: Yeah, well, I guess it starts in high school actually, so Kaley and I grew up in the same town, and we met our senior year of high school, we were in chemistry class together, and we actually dated a little bit in high school, and then we both went to the same college, but broke up pragmatically and got back together seven years later, and it was almost like a fairy tale, Instagram-worthy story where we got back together in our early 20s, we got married, and we went into marriage thinking that the momentum of that perfect story, that fairy tale was just going to effortlessly continue and it didn't... Not at all. In fact, a couple of years in the marriage, I had a serious bike accident, which left me in a position of both having very little energy to work and complete Life's tasks, but also in a pretty serious depression, experiencing a lot of anxiety, and all of a sudden we were thrust into this conversation really more of a conflict over What is or isn't fair, and we started to see that for us and for most couples, we saw eventually that the fundamental thing we were grappling with is how can we be equals and in love, and that seemed to be a totally vexing question that we just could not answer in our marriage. So we really spent the then 15 years, we've been married for almost 16 years now, trying to answer that question, both for ourselves and then with this book for other couples. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and when you talk about how to be equals and be in love, that makes me think of what you mentioned in the initial part of your book where you talk about moving from what you call the 80/20 model of relationship into 50/50 relating, and then of course. You're making a case for the 80/80 model of relating. So yeah, can you describe what we're talking about, just kind of in simple terms, what's a 80/20 relationship... What's a 50/50 relationship? And where are we headed with 80/80? Interested in reading the transcript for the rest of this episode with Nate and Kaley Klemp?  Visit neilsattin.com/8080 to download the full transcript of this episode!

How do you keep your relationship strong despite the pressures that child-rearing can create? And how can you leverage your attachment styles in how you show up for each other to improve your relationship along the way? Our guests are Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin, co-authors of the new book "Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents" - one of the few books that tackles the impact that raising a child can have on your connection. Whether you're expecting a new baby, or already have children in the mix, today's episode will give you the tools you need so that you can weather the storms of parenting while celebrating its joys. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Also, see below for links to our other episodes with Stan Tatkin. Resources: Check out "Baby Bomb" on Amazon Get more information about Kara Hoppe and her offerings To learn about his trainings and retreats, visit Stan Tatkin's website Here are links to our other episodes with Stan Tatkin (prior to this one): Episode 19: Recipe for a Secure, Healthy Relationship Episode 50: Wired for Dating and Love - Psychobiology Episode 150: Attachment Styles and Relationship Repair FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Or...check out the Secrets of Relationship Communication complete course! Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/baby to download the transcript to this episode with Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript of this episode: Neil Sattin: I think we've either seen it happen or maybe even experienced it ourselves, that the addition of a new life, a new being to a family can create big changes, and some of those changes are amazing and wonderful and life-enhancing, and some of those changes can feel almost cataclysmic. And so we are here today to talk about how to navigate a new edition to a family, whether it be a baby or adopting an older child, or even if you've had children in your life for a while and experienced the impact of children on your relationship. We're going to talk about how to steer your couple-ship in a way so that you can strengthen your relationship and strengthen with each other and with your children, and hopefully have a little bit more joy and a little less cataclysm. To have today's conversation, we have two very special guests: one is Kara Hoppe, who is a marriage and family therapist. And the other is Stan Tatkin who you may be familiar with from being on the show before, the author of, Wired in love and Wired for Dating among other books. Neil Sattin: And together they have written the book, Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents. Because as we were chatting about before this interview started, there aren't many resources to help people not just navigate what's going on with a new baby, but actually navigate how that impacts their relationship and how to have a strong relationship, despite all the ways that the new addition or additions to your family might make the waters a little rocky. I don't know why I'm going with the boat metaphor today, but it's happened. [laughter] Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin, it's a pleasure to have you here today on Relationship Alive. Stan Tatkin: Thank you, Neil. Interested in reading the transcript for the rest of this episode with Kara Hoppe and Stan Tatkin?  Visit neilsattin.com/baby to download the full transcript of this episode!

When you can't be yourself in your relationship and avoid the tough conversations that you might need to have, it erodes your relationship AND your sense of self. Today we're going to focus on how to lean into conflict in ways most likely to lead to deeper connection with others as well as inner alignment within yourself. Our guest is Jayson Gaddis, and his new book "Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High Stakes Relationships" is a masterpiece to level up your conflict-resolution skills. If you’re curious to hear our first episode together, check out Episode 129 - Unlocking the Secrets of the Smart Couple. And as always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Want something new to entertain you? Acorn TV is a commercial-free streaming service that’s rooted in British television. It’s home to sophisticated and artful storytelling with top-rated mysteries, dramas that pull you in, heart-felt comedies and so much more. So - Escape to Britain and beyond without leaving your seat. Try Acorn TV free for 30 days, by going to acorn.tv and using the promo code “alive” (lowercase) at checkout. Find a quality therapist, online, to support you and work on the places where you’re stuck. For 10% off your first month, visit Betterhelp.com/ALIVE to fill out the quick questionnaire and get paired with a therapist who’s right for you. Resources: Find out more about Jayson Gaddis's new book, Getting to Zero. Visit The Relationship School website for more information about Jayson, his podcast, and the courses and trainings that he offers. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Or...check out the Secrets of Relationship Communication complete course! Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/zero to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Jayson Gaddis. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. When it comes to the relationships in our lives that matter the most, I want you to sit there and think for a moment about whether or not you're willing to really get into it with those people. Are you willing to have conflict when you don't see eye to eye, when you have a disagreement, when you have a values conflict, when you're not sure who should be doing the dishes and who should be balancing a checkbook, whatever it is, are you actually willing to go toe to toe as equals with the other people in your life? And if so, how well does it go? And if not, why do you avoid it? These are important questions to be asking because the quality of our relationships is often not only determined by the quality of our connection with those people, but it's also determined by our ability to come back from challenging moments, the resilience of a relationship. Neil Sattin: And so for today's episode, I wanted to focus on that very thing. How do you work through conflict and create resilience, not only in yourself, not only fostering it in the other important people in your life, but how do you create a resilient relationship where you are able to be true to who you are, and where the person or people that you're in relationship with are also free to be true to who they are. And where somehow you manage to get through all of that, better for it, instead of in tatters because of your fights and inability to resolve them. So in order to have today's conversation, I wanted to feature Jayson Gaddis, who is the founder of The Relationship School, a colleague and friend of mine. He also does The Relationship School Podcast, and he is the author of this gem of a book called; Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships. If you're a long-time listener, you know that I read a lot of books for this show, and this book is a game changer. It is like you will be doing yourself a huge favor by getting this book, reading through it, working through the exercises, and... Neil Sattin: I don't often truly feel that way, like sometimes, when we're talking about a book here on the show, I'll go through it and I feel like actually, I can kind of mine what's important for you, this is one that I want you to get and go through, it's that important. And when you do, let me know what you think. Let's dive in to chatting with Jayson Gaddis about his new book, Getting to Zero and How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships. Jayson, it's such a treat to have you back here on Relationship Alive. Jayson Gaddis: Thanks Neil. So good to be chatting with you again and psyched to dive in. Neil Sattin: Great. Great. So let's get started by talking about why we tend to avoid conflict, and I just want to say when I was reading Getting to Zero, this book was very triggering for me like as I was reading it through, I was like every page I was dealing with my own demons percolating up, because the very first thing that you ask us as readers to do is to think about a conflict that we've had with someone who's important in our lives. And so it's helpful to do that, of course, to put all the exercises and everything that you write into contacts, that will be really helpful, but it was really challenging and I got in touch with how hard it is to actually face in to the fire. So could we start by talking a little bit about kind of why people avoid conflict and why you might want to make a different choice. Jayson Gaddis: Yeah, for sure. So I'll talk about two main reasons, and I'm sure you have many, and I'd love to hear those, but one is just in our biology, and it's the fact that we're social mammals and social mammals like to belong and we like to feel close to other people, and when we don't, it feels threatening and scary and shameful, and painful. And so conflict puts us up against that pain where it's like, "Ooh, if this doesn't go well, I might get kicked out of the group, I might not be included anymore or invited, this person might break up with me, I might break up with them." And that's uncomfortable, and social mammals don't like to be alone, and we don't do well on our own for long, long, long periods of time. So that's kind of in our DNA. And then there's the more psychological story about why we avoid conflict, and that's partly due to, it hasn't gone that well in our history, and that circles back to our family of origin, the neighborhood we grew up in, the friends we had or didn't have, the church we grew up in, sports teams we were on, or dance recitals we played, and all the negative experiences socially and relationally often don't get dealt with very well. Jayson Gaddis: And then they compound over time, and then we enter into an adult relationship, and we've got a lot of negative memory around conflict and negative associations, and so we tend to do what we've always done, and that's usually moving away from conflict, which is avoiding or we might move toward it thinking that fighting harder and louder and getting bigger is the solution for some reason. So I think those are the two probably biggest reasons we avoid conflict. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and conflict is uncomfortable. So you have to be in a space where you're willing to not only embrace that discomfort, but also, I think face your own discomfort with being uncomfortable, you have to look at why you would rather just check out and watch Netflix or pretend that something didn't happen or settle for whatever the situation is versus, Oh, it's actually really challenging to me to feel these feelings and to not know if there's going to be a positive outcome on the other side. Jayson Gaddis: Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I like what you said there about just discomfort. It kind of boils down to that really, is a lot of us don't like feeling uncomfortable feelings, both emotionally and on a sensory level in our body, when we face off with another person or we have a trigger with a person, whether they're silent with us or aggressive with us. It's just so uncomfortable and people are like, Oh, you must really like conflict. I'm like, No, I do not like conflict. Let's be clear. Just like the next person, I just happen to have some tools and some ways through it that I've learned over the years... Interested in reading the transcript for the rest of this episode with Jayson Gaddis?  Click here to download the full transcript of this episode!

Are there ways to build trust in your relationship - even if you're in the middle of a crisis? How do you identify your relationship strengths - and use them in these most challenging moments? Today we have a return visit from Dr. Peter Pearson, co-founder of the Couple's Institute (along with his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader), and one of today's leading trainers of couples therapists. Whether you're in a relationship, or a couples therapist, or both - today's episode is full of practical wisdom to help navigate the hardest moments that a couple can face. Visit neilsattin.com/institute to join Pete Pearson’s and Ellyn Bader’s free webinars on how to use Confrontation in therapy! And as always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Want something new to entertain you? Acorn TV is a commercial-free streaming service that’s rooted in British television. It’s home to sophisticated and artful storytelling with top-rated mysteries, dramas that pull you in, heart-felt comedies and so much more. So - Escape to Britain and beyond without leaving your seat. Try Acorn TV free for 30 days, by going to acorn.tv and using the promo code “alive” (lowercase) at checkout. Find a quality therapist, online, to support you and work on the places where you’re stuck. For 10% off your first month, visit Betterhelp.com/ALIVE to fill out the quick questionnaire and get paired with a therapist who’s right for you. Resources: To join Ellyn and Pete’s free webinar series on "What do you say when..." - to handle tough situations in couples therapy, follow this link here. Visit The Couples Institute website to learn more about Ellyn and Pete’s work with couples, and with helping therapists help couples. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Or...check out the Secrets of Relationship Communication complete course! Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/251 to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Peter Pearson. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out If you’re curious to hear our first episode together, about shaping a culture of honesty in your relationship, you can also check out Episode 24 of Relationship Alive - Why We Lie and How to Get Back to the Truth And you can listen to our second episode together, which was about Relationship Development and getting unstuck in your relationship, if you click here. And here’s our third episode together - Communication that Grows Your Relationship. And here's our fourth episode together on how to work with Unmotivated Partners. Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. Today I want to cover how to handle crisis and conflict in your relationship, and for that conversation, we have a very special guest, a return visit from Dr. Pete Pearson. Along with his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, Pete is co-founder of The Couples Institute, one of the leading trainers of couples therapists. They are the co-authors of "Tell Me No Lies," a book about the dynamics of honesty and lying in relationships, and also the book, "In Quest of the Mythical Mate," which is a book that outlines their developmental approach to working with couples in therapy. Neil Sattin: It feels a bit like coming home, having Pete here on the show, because he and Ellyn have been on Relationship Alive a bunch of times... Peter Pearson: Hey, Neil, all I can say is it's good to be home again. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Nice, nice. Well, we're going to try and keep things lighthearted as we tackle some pretty serious subject matter, because the reason that... There are maybe two reasons that people come to this show. One is they are in a relationship and it's going well, and they think, "Well, how could this be even better?" Or, "Maybe we feel a little stuck, and how do we get unstuck and turn surviving into thriving," at the risk of sounding a bit cliche. And then the other thing is people who are having a really hard time. It's not to say that there aren't other reasons that people come and find the show. I know a lot of people view Relationship Alive as a way to prepare for... They're not in a relationship, but they're preparing for the next one that comes along. But a lot of people come because they're in the middle of a crisis, something big has happened and they're looking for help. And often, in those crisis moments, we don't know how to turn to our partners, and so we turn elsewhere, and hopefully the elsewhere that we turn to is offering us something of value that we can take back to the relationship. So what I'm hoping that we can do today is to talk a bit about how we... If you're a couple in crisis, where the trust that you have in your partner is, at least in that moment, shattered, how do you rebuild from that moment? How do you get started? Peter Pearson: Neil, first of all, I want to say, I hope today we can cover all those reasons why people tune in to your podcast. I think we could cover the spectrum today. Neil Sattin: Awesome. Great, let's tackle it all. Peter Pearson: Now, the question of trust absolutely is so foundational, because without trust, there is no future. You cannot plan a future if there is no trust. It's that fundamental, you have to have trust in relationship. If your relationship is going to improve, to grow, to evolve, and become what you hope it will be, it's all based on trust. So you nailed it right out of the gate, without trust, not much happens. Neil Sattin: Right. And so that's the conundrum in a situation like this, where you... Ideally, you'd have this big safety net to catch you when some big crisis moment happens. And it could be something really serious, like someone discovers an affair, or your partner spent all your money. There are those big, monumental things, but then we've all... Or many of us have probably also experienced the little things that you think, it starts out as just a little tiny argument, it's not going to be a big deal, and then all of a sudden, boom, things have... Everything's blown up and it feels like your relationship is in jeopardy. And so those are the moments where you want to have a big safety net of trust, and yet those are the moments where you feel it the least in relation to your partner. Peter Pearson: You're absolutely correct. And when you talk about big things, they can either be internal to the couple, finances or whatever, or they can be external. Like in California, wildfires are all over the place, so people are being devastated through fire, floods, earthquakes in California, so external... Medical emergencies. So a lot of things can be enormously disruptive to our relationship. And what I think is that, if couples are going to make a change or improve their relationship, there are three basic avenues that are catalysts for a change in relationship. And one is desperation, and that's the crisis that shows up, that's unpredictable, can't be foreseen, but it has an earthquake-like effect on the relationship. Peter Pearson: When that happens, interestingly enough, a lot of couples start pulling together like a team. Here comes a fire, and you don't know if the fire is going to be at your house in 20 minutes or an hour, but all of a sudden you start communicating like champions with each other. Who's going to do what by when? And you count on the other person following through with their part of how we're going to get out of here with as much as we can. So couples often, in a crisis, will start communicating like champions. They don't have to look up, get communication strategies, they just do it because it's demanded and they respond. The problem is though, after the crisis has passed... Interested in reading the transcript for the rest of this episode with Pete Pearson?  Click here to download the full transcript of this episode!

How do you find the place within you that's "ok" no matter what? And how do you use that place as a resource to help you handle the things that aren't ok? In today's episode I'm going to give you a quick-and-easy way to start your day on the right foot - while at the same time getting a clear look at what just might need to change in your life...without being paralyzed by it. No bypasses here! Just a clear path forward that acknowledges your strengths - while you're empowered to work on the things that are challenging.  As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Find a quality therapist, online, to support you and work on the places where you’re stuck. For 10% off your first month, visit Betterhelp.com/ALIVE to fill out the quick questionnaire and get paired with a therapist who’s right for you. Want something new to entertain you? Acorn TV is a commercial-free streaming service that’s rooted in British television. It’s home to sophisticated and artful storytelling with top-rated mysteries, dramas that pull you in, heart-felt comedies and so much more. So - Escape to Britain and beyond without leaving your seat. Try Acorn TV free for 30 days, by going to acorn.tv and using the promo code “alive” (all lowercase) at checkout. Resources: Check out my Secrets of Relationship Communication COURSE for a masterclass in how to improve the communication and connection in your relationship. I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil’s Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner’s Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast (or text “SUPPORT” to 33444) Amazing intro and outro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters Transcript: Neil Sattin: Okay. Let's get started. I'm going to give you a little gift for being here on episode 250. And the way the gift works is something like this, I've been thinking a lot lately about how much easier life is when people are kind and friendly to each other. Perhaps you've noticed how much easier your life is when you're moving through it and someone does something that's super nice for you, an unsolicited kindness, or a random act of kindness, or when someone's just super friendly to you or they ask you how your day is or they ask you if they can help you out in a way that you can tell is sincere. Well, unfortunately, I can't wave a magic wand and transform everyone into your life, into a friendly person. But what I can tell you is this, that if you, yourself, work on being kind and friendly, in general, in your life, then that will have a ripple effect. And there are definitely other people around you who are also listening to Relationship Alive and who are also hopefully going to be putting extra effort into being kind and friendly and nice and gracious. And if all of us who are here together are doing that, it will certainly percolate out into the world around us. Neil Sattin: Now, I'm not saying that you have to be nice to the assholes in your life, or that you have to put up with b******t that's going on. In fact, we are going to have an upcoming episode that's exclusively about how to deal with the assholes in your life. So stay tuned for that. And it's important when you're being nice to have boundaries. You don't necessarily want to be completely kind and open-hearted with everyone who crosses your path, unless they show you that they're capable of receiving that in a way that is, if nothing else, appreciative or reciprocal, or maybe it's even more than reciprocal, maybe they are super nice to you and generous and kind in return. I suppose that is what reciprocal means. But I mean, like, to the extreme where it gets amplified back at you. Now, that's great. Neil Sattin: If it doesn't happen, and another person treats you unkindly, or they're mean, or they're a jerk or whatever, then that's not on you. And in fact, that's one of the advantages of just working on being nice in your life is that you can generally be pretty sure that the stuff that's coming at you that's less than kind, that that's not about you at all. And I think it's helpful in our lives to be able to discern whether we are contributing in some way to a less than desirable situation or if it's just there's something going on with this other person, whether it's that they're stressed or they had some trauma earlier in their life, or they don't know how to receive kindness or whatever it is, all those things aren't about you at all. So it's helpful as you move through the world being friendly and kind in terms of your ability to know, "Oh, when someone else treats me unfairly or they clearly have a chip on their shoulder, that's not about me at all." Neil Sattin: At the same time, when you experience that, definitely have a boundary up for yourself. Set a limit so that... Interested in reading the transcript for the rest of this episode?  Click here to download the full transcript of this episode!