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My pastors told me that what I was experiencing for over two decades wasn’t serious enough to be called “abuse.” They said I had to be physically hurt for it to cross the line of “hard marriage” to “abusive marriage.” Their beliefs kept me spinning in a turmoil so great that I thought a lot about ending my life.  If you find yourself wondering if you’d be better off dead or secretly praying your spouse might never come home again, but you’ve been told you're making a mountain out of a molehill…then listen in. I want to help clear up some of that confusion by sharing a workshop I did a while ago that answers the question, “How do I know if it’s abuse?”  Key Takeaways: Chronic self-doubt and relational chaos are signs something is genuinely wrong.Your sensitivity is often your body's response to prolonged stress.I’ll give you three important questions you can ask yourself to cut through the fog.Language matters: Abusers redefine love as obedience and respect as silence — naming what's actually happening is the first step to inner freedom.God is not asking you to suffer in silence: Scripture used to justify staying in harm ignores that God defends the oppressed and sets captives free.Get Today’s Free Resource: 🧐 Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote a book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. Get a free chapter by going to isitmebook.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Today we welcome back Arizona family law attorney Wendy Hernandez to celebrate the release of her brand new book, Legally Ending Love, and to walk us through exactly what every woman needs to know before they file for divorce.  (Psst! When you buy her book THIS WEEK ONLY, you get a bunch of amazing free bonus resources, including a Discovery Planner, a Property and Debt Inventory worksheet, and a Free Legal-Ease Glossary - 82 family court terms in plain English, plus a free workbook. Just buy her book on Amazon - and then go to her website HERE to upload your receipt.  Key Takeaways: There's a specific category of "text and email mistakes" that show up as exhibits at trial. What are you saying right now that could be used against you later?One new law passed this year changed what counts as proof of abuse in family court. Does your state recognize it yet?Attorneys use a term for the spouse who controls the money. What's it called, and what does it mean for your case if that's not you?Appeals don't work the way most women assume. Find out what actually has to happen the first time around, because there's no do-over.Wendy shares the one word she hopes every woman feels by the time she finishes her book, and it's not the word you'd expect.Having tried over 1,000 cases during her twenty-seven years as a litigator, Wendy is a courtroom warrior who has tackled every type of family law matter — from divorce to child custody and everything in between. Sharing secrets learned from the country’s top law professors at the University of Notre Dame Law School and during her battles on the family law front lines, Wendy is passionate about helping not only her clients, but also those representing themselves, to feel competent, confident and comfortable in the courtroom. Get her brand new book: Legally Ending Love (don’t forget the bonuses this week only!)Explore Wendy’s YouTube Channel, Command the Courtroom.Get Today’s Free Resource: 📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Today I’m going to tell you about the last of the three books I picked as the most life-changing for me so far. I was nervous to write this episode because the book is controversial in some circles, and even I was afraid to read it many years ago. I expected to confront all kinds of lies and heresies (this is what I was taught at my church!)  Instead, I found permission to believe in a God big enough, powerful enough, and loving enough to actually win. I found in its pages what it would truly be like to lean into the God I believed in as a child.  Key Takeaways: God's love shouldn't come with fine print: Somewhere along the way, many of us were sold "God's love plus a lot of caveats" like what to wear, what to say, who to vote for, and what to read, instead of just love.The people most triggered by God's love are often Christians: whenever I post about God's love on social media, the harshest pushback comes from people who identify as Christian. Fascinating, right?Questioning what you were taught may help you learn new things that take you deeper in your relationship with God. Hopefully our journey is about always learning and growing, not just having all the answers. Judgment can be restorative, not just retributive: What if true judgment is about having everything that was stolen from you (like your dignity, your security, your identity, your health, your dreams, your children) RESTORED to you again. If it’s just about punishment, how is that amazing? People can do that. Can God do more? "I could be wrong about that" is a doorway, not a threat: One of the biggest shifts in my life was moving from certainty to curiosity because certainty closes the door to learning, and humility opens it.Read Love Wins by Rob Bell  🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

This is the second in a 3-part series where I’m sharing the top three books that have changed my life. Last week I talked about the book A Failure of Nerve by Edwin Friedman. This week I will talk about Altogether You by Jenna Remiersma. And next week…well, you’ll have to come back then to hear me talk about a VERY controversial book in conservative Christian circles, but WOW did it absolutely do a number on my chronic fear, shame, and anger.  But for now - let’s dive into a book that helped me make sense of the contradictory thoughts I struggled with every single day.  “I can totally do this!” “I could NEVER DO THAT!”  See what I mean?  Get Today’s Free Resource: 🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

A lot of people got mad at me when I started to change over ten years ago. They got so mad, they booted me out of my church and my family. In this episode, I’m going to tell you about a book that changed the way I parent, lead, and show up in my own life.  It's a book about what it actually takes to become the leader of your own life when everyone around you wants things to stay the same. Key Takeaways: The real reason people push back when you change A phrase that completely redefines what "good parenting" actually looks likeThe difference between healthy empathy and "toxic empathy”Why criticism might actually be evidence that you're finally functioning betterThe three universal laws about children and parents that will make you rethink your entire approach to leadership in the home🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages. You’ll stay connected to me, my work, education, and HOPE that will change your life.

This is a replay of one of the most listened to episodes in the Flying Free Podcast archives, and it’s such a good one, I thought I’d reshare it for our new listeners!  If you've ever screamed, thrown something, said something you regret, and then wondered if you’re the abusive one, this conversation will clear that up for you. Our guest, Annette Oltmans breaks down what's really happening in your brain, why "mutual abuse" is a myth, and what happens when the very people you turn to for help end up hurting you all over again. What we cover:  Why your reactions don’t match your characterA phrase from the National Domestic Violence Hotline that settles the "mutual abuse" debate for good.A former police chief once confronted Annette with a question that reveals exactly why so many victims get misread.There's a second wound that often hurts worse than the first one, and it usually comes from people inside the church.A simple physical trick can interrupt a trauma reaction before it takes over.Get Today’s Free Resource: 📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Family estrangement. It’s kind of big on social media right now, but not always in a healthy kind of way. Gretchen Baskerville, author of The Life Saving Divorce, has done research on this, and she’s discovered nine types of family estrangement.  Chances are, you’ve had a brush with…or are experiencing…at least one type.  Watch or listen in to hear real stories that show how addiction, control, mental illness, outside manipulation, and even distorted theology can all play a role in family estrangements, and why the truth is almost always more layered than "who's the villain here." Key Takeaways: There's no single reason families become estranged: what looks the same on the outside can mean something completely different underneath.Some of the most common "explanations" you see online only tell half the story, and Gretchen explains why.One popular Christian teaching has quietly shaped how families handle conflict, and the data on it might shock you.Not every estrangement is permanent. Gretchen shares research on how many families eventually reconnect, and what actually predicts it.You'll walk away with four powerful questions that can help you understand your own family's story with more clarity and less judgment.You can read Gretchen’s insightful article on parent/adult-child estrangement HERE. And while you’re there, be sure to check out her other researched articles on the topics of Christianity and divorce.  Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. Since 1998, she has worked in churches in the Los Angeles area helping heartbroken people find strength, courage, and healing. For more than 20 years she has worked with Christian women and men going through difficult, life-saving divorces, listening with compassion to those who have suffered from domestic violence, betrayal, infidelity, addicted partners, and emotional abuse. Herself the survivor of a toxic marriage, she walked through her own lifesaving divorce and was a single mother for many years. Today she is happily remarried. She is a graduate of Wheaton College with a degree in Bible and Christian Education.

If you are stepping away from an emotionally or spiritually destructive marriage and suddenly feel hit by severe anxiety, physical illness, obsessive thoughts, or a desperate urge to run back, you may be experiencing trauma bond withdrawal. When a relationship alternates between unpredictable emotional mistreatment and periods of seeming “niceness,” your body builds a biological and neurochemical dependency on that cycle. Breaking free triggers a physical and emotional detox. Today’s episode is a faith-informed, clinically grounded guide to understanding trauma bond withdrawal symptoms, dismantling weaponized scripture, and restoring your nervous system. Resources mentioned in this episode: The Grey Rock Method for Emotional Abuse Victims Flying Free Kaleidoscope Program Get Today’s Free Resource: 🧐 Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote a book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. Get a free chapter by going to isitmebook.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

In this episode, we’re doing something a little different. I’m opening up my private monthly book club discussion (usually just for Flying Higher members) and sharing it with you. This month we read the bestselling novel Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke.  We get into the tradwife aesthetic, performative Christianity, and the difference between a woman who genuinely loves a homemaking life and a system that demands every woman perform one.  Key Takeaways: The reason the beautiful tradwife image is so seductiveThe most convincing performances usually start with a belief that's actually sincere. One character's storyline sparked a heated disagreement in the group about who gets to be "smart" in stories like this one, and why that distinction matters There's a subtle difference between a woman choosing a traditional role and a woman being conditioned into one, and it changes everything about how we respond to the trend.What does authentic faith look like once the performance stops? If you’re a divorced Christian woman who loves self-development and learning new things, consider joining the Flying Higher community!  Get Today’s Free Resource: 🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Let’s talk about emotional neglect. Can we really categorize this as “abuse?”  I say we can, and in today’s episode, I’m going to tell you why.  In this episode, you’ll learn: Five specific ways emotional neglect shows up in a marriageWhy silence can be more controlling than yellingWhat your nervous system does when someone ignores youThe question every neglected wife asks herself over and over again, and why she needs to stop asking that questionGet Today’s Free Resource: 📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women still in or healing from emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

This is part two of our series on the subtle gaslighting tactics emotional abusers and narcissists use in Christian marriage. You'll hear four more specific examples of what he says, why he says it, what it triggers in you, and the precise words to say back so the tactic stops working on you for good. Key Takeaways: There's a reason your husband can turn any conversation about his behavior into a conversation about your tone, your past, or your "real" intentions, and once you see the move, you'll catch it every time.One specific manipulation pattern explains why a man can be caught in something devastating and somehow still come out of the conversation as the victim.There's a single Bible verse Christian men weaponize to shut down any conversation about unresolved hurt, and it doesn't actually say what they think it says.Find out why your anger in the moment of betrayal might be the most spiritually honest thing in the room, and why he needs you to believe otherwise.Every gaslighting tactic is aiming at the exact same target inside you, and once you know what it is, you'll never be fully fooled by any of them again.Get Today’s Free Resource: 🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Today we’ll talk about one of the most disorienting experiences Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages face: gaslighting.  But we aren’t going to just define what gaslighting is. I’m going to break it down into all the tiny parts and give you some specific stories so you can see exactly what’s going on and WHY.  You’ll learn three specific tactics gaslighters use, why they use them, and what you can do to stay grounded in your own reality when someone is working hard to pull you out of it. Key Takeaways: Why someone can sound completely loving and caring while actually doing something deeply harmful to youThe hidden reason your concerns keep disappearing from conversations before they ever get resolvedWhat a "joke" has to do with control, and why your body's reaction is not a character flawThe psychological mechanism you share with a slot machine, and what it's actually costing youThe one shift that strips a gaslighting tactic of all its power, without you having to win a single argumentGet Today’s Free Resource: 🧐 Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote a book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. Get a free chapter by going to isitmebook.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Tia Levings is the New York Times bestselling author of A Well-Trained Wife and her newest book, I Belong to Me. She survived a Christian patriarchy cult, escaped a near murder-suicide, was excommunicated for telling her own story, and spent 15 years in intensive trauma therapy doing the work to put herself back together. Now she's handing you the map to healing from religious trauma. In this episode, Tia and I dig into the real mechanics of religious trauma recovery: why your body refuses to believe you're safe even when your brain knows it, what "aftermath" actually means (it's an agricultural word, and it will change how you see your own devastation), why grief work is not optional, and what agency has to do with the entire trajectory of your healing. Key Takeaways: What does it actually mean to "belong to yourself" after religious trauma has dismantled your sense of identity from the inside out?Why trauma survivors often write, speak, and even think about themselves in the passive voice, and what that reveals about the agency that was quietly stolen from themWhat the agricultural origin of the word "aftermath" tells us about why the most painful, raw season of your healing is also the most generativeWhy anger and bitterness after religious trauma aren't signs that something is wrong with you, and what they're actually trying to show youHow complex PTSD can keep a survivor locked in survival mode for years, making life-altering decisions in a state of ongoing shock without ever realizing itGet Tia’s books: A Well Trained Wife I Belong to Me Follow Tia everywhere on social media! Her handle is @tialevingswriter Get Today’s Free Resource: 📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

Let’s talk about something called “the subjugation schema.” It's a clinical pattern that secular psychologists are actively trying to help women heal from, and the conservative Christian church has rebranded the exact same wound as godliness, biblical womanhood, and a high calling. If you've spent your life apologizing for taking up space, smiling when you wanted to scream, or feeling guilty about basic human needs like rest, preferences, and an opinion of your own, this episode is going to feel like someone finally turned the lights on. Key Takeaways: Meet Rachel and Megan: two composite women, two very different engines driving the exact same wound. Find out which one might be running you in the background right now without your permissionThe four specific ways the conservative Christian church installs this pattern in little girls and quietly reinforces it in grown womenWhy "mutual submission," "complementarianism," and "servant leadership" might be the same old subjugation wearing a friendlier nametagThe story of Sapphira in Acts 5 that quietly dismantles the "always submit to your husband" theology you've been handedThe one journal question at the end of the episode that might wake up the woman who has been hiding underneath your schema for decadesGet Today’s Free Resource: 🎁 I want to give you a free gift. It’s the audio version of my book, All the Scary Little Gods. It’s a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. You can listen to it FREE by going to scarylittlegods.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.

In this episode I’m answering a pressing question Christian women in difficult marriages ask: how do you find a church that will actually support you instead of silence you? Because not all churches are created equal, and the difference between a safe church and a harmful one can change everything for a woman trying to find her footing. I’ll break down exactly what to look for, what to ask, and what red flags to run from. 🔑 Key Takeaways: There's a question you can ask a pastor before ever setting foot in a pew that will tell you almost everything you need to know about whether that church is safe.What a church puts on its website (and what it leaves off) reveals far more than you might think about how they actually treat abuse survivors.One word in a pastor's answer about couples counseling is a dealbreaker. Do you know what it is?The church's leadership page can disqualify them before you ever walk through the door. There's a theology that sounds biblical and even beautiful to some women, but I make a case that it's actually setting the stage for harm.Get Today’s Free Resource: 📒 Take a free Emotional Abuse Assessment by going to emotionalabusequiz.com I will also send you my weekly Hope Letters for Christian women in emotionally and spiritually abusive marriages.