Advertise on podcast: Filter Optional

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West explore a question that can transform every relationship: What makes a real apology? Most of us know how to say "I'm sorry." But far fewer know how to take responsibility, repair the damage, and rebuild trust. Drawing from addiction recovery principles, personal stories, and insights from researchers like Brené Brown, Chico and Shannon unpack why apologies often fall flat and what it actually takes to make things right.  Through honest conversations about marriage, friendships, parenting, and everyday conflict, they introduce a practical framework for moving beyond guilt and defensiveness toward accountability, healing, and deeper connection. Key Points - Why "I'm sorry" is often not enough to repair a relationship  - The difference between apologies, responsibility, and making amends - How defensiveness keeps us from truly hearing the people we've hurt - Why adding "but..." can instantly undermine an apology - The role of accountability in rebuilding trust - Real-life examples of repairing friendships, marriage, and everyday conflicts - How recovery principles like "cleaning up your side of the street" apply to every relationship - Why modeling healthy apologies teaches emotional responsibility to your children Takeaway Healthy relationships aren't built on perfect behavior. They're built on the willingness to own our mistakes, repair the harm we've caused, and grow from the experience. A genuine apology isn't just about saying you're sorry. It's about taking responsibility and doing the work to restore trust.

Parenting Adult Children: How to Have Hard Conversations Without Pushing Them Away In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West explore one of the most challenging seasons of parenting: raising adult children while learning to let go. Whether your child is heading off to college, moving back home after graduation, or navigating early adulthood, parents often find themselves caught between two extremes: saying nothing at all or reacting out of frustration. Chico and Shannon introduce a healthier path, stepping into the messy middle with honesty, curiosity, and clear boundaries.  Through real-life stories and practical examples, they discuss how to navigate difficult conversations about alcohol, house rules, independence, expectations, and respect without damaging the relationship. If you've ever wondered how to support your adult child while still honoring your own needs, this episode offers practical guidance for one of parenting's most complicated transitions. Key Points - Why parenting adult children requires a different approach than parenting kids - The dangers of passivity and impulsivity in difficult conversations  - How to step into the messy middle with honesty, vulnerability, and respect - Setting healthy expectations when adult children live at home - The myth that allowing teens to drink at home prepares them for college - Why fear often keeps parents from having the conversations that matter most - Practical questions that create dialogue instead of defensiveness - How coaching, curiosity, and emotional honesty build stronger family relationships Takeaway The goal isn't to control your adult children or avoid conflict altogether. It's to create a relationship where difficult conversations can happen with mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and genuine connection. Growth happens when parents are willing to speak the truth with love and trust that healthy conversations are worth the discomfort.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West reflect on an unexpected gift of the FIFA World Cup: seeing America through the eyes of first-time visitors. As fans from around the world share their experiences online, one theme keeps emerging: Americans are friendlier, more generous, and more welcoming than many expected. From free chips and salsa and Buc-ee's to genuine hospitality and everyday kindness, Chico and Shannon explore what these outside perspectives reveal about our culture, and why it's so easy to overlook the blessings we experience every day.  More than a conversation about America, this episode is an invitation to step away from constant negativity, embrace curiosity, celebrate what brings us together, and remember that meaningful connection begins when we see one another as people, not opinions. Key Points How the FIFA World Cup is changing international perceptions of America  Why hospitality and generosity remain defining parts of American culture The value of seeing familiar things through fresh eyes How assumptions and media narratives shape the way we view one another Why gratitude helps us appreciate what we've stopped noticing The importance of civil conversations over cultural division How curiosity and shared experiences build connection across cultures Takeaway Sometimes it takes an outsider's perspective to remind us what we've been taking for granted. When we choose gratitude over criticism and curiosity over assumptions, we create more opportunities for connection, understanding, and hope, both within our communities and across cultures.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West take a deep dive into one of the foundational concepts behind the podcast: the messy middle. Why do so many of us avoid difficult conversations? And when we finally have them, why do we often swing between saying nothing at all or trying to control the outcome? Drawing from real-life coaching experiences, addiction recovery, psychology, and faith, Chico introduces a practical framework for navigating conflict with greater courage, curiosity, and emotional health. Together, he and Shannon explore why true growth happens when we stop avoiding discomfort and learn to hold space for honest, vulnerable conversations . Whether you're navigating conflict with a spouse, adult child, friend, coworker, or family member, this episode offers practical tools to help you communicate with clarity, compassion, and confidence. Key Points What the "messy middle" is and why growth happens there  The two common ways we avoid hard conversations: passivity and impulsivity How curiosity creates connection while defensiveness creates distance Understanding the three masks that keep us stuck: The Performer, The Defender, and The Fearful Gardener Why codependency often shows up as fixing, rescuing, or avoiding conflict How to speak the truth with love without trying to control the outcome Practical questions that foster understanding instead of defensiveness Why vulnerability, transparency, and listening are essential for healthy relationships Takeaway The goal isn't to avoid conflict or control it. It's to enter the messy middle with curiosity, honesty, and compassion. When you stop performing, defending, or acting from fear, you create space for the conversations that strengthen relationships and produce lasting growth

In this solo episode of Filter Optional, Chico West gets deeply personal about fear, insecurity, ego, recovery, and the human need for approval. Inspired by a reflection from spiritual writer Henri Nouwen, Chico explores a question many of us wrestle with but rarely admit: Why do we seek validation from other people when we're already loved and accepted by God? Drawing from nearly 37 years of sobriety, recovery principles, and his own recent experiences, Chico vulnerably shares how quickly fear, comparison, and the desire for recognition can pull him away from peace. Whether it's social media, professional recognition, relationships, or feeling overlooked, he explains how the search for external affirmation often leaves us empty, anxious, and disconnected . This episode is a powerful reminder that true security isn't found in what others think of us. It's found in reconnecting with something greater than ourselves. Key Points The difference between horizontal relationships and a vertical relationship with God Why fear and insecurity often drive the need for approval and validation How ego can become "Edging God Out" and pull us away from peace  What nearly four decades of sobriety have taught Chico about fear, surrender, and spiritual growth Why vulnerability is at the heart of stepping into the messy middle The connection between recovery, faith, and emotional wellness How comparison and social media can trigger feelings of inadequacy and exclusion Takeaway The approval we chase from others will never fully satisfy us. Lasting peace comes when we stop looking horizontally for affirmation and reconnect vertically with our faith, purpose, and identity. When fear and insecurity show up, they can become invitations to return to what truly grounds us.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West tackle a topic that affects every relationship, every family, and every stage of personal growth: blind spots. What if the thing holding you back isn't what you know about yourself... but what you don't know? Using humor, marriage stories, parenting examples, and real-life coaching experiences, Chico and Shannon explore how blind spots show up in everyday life. From defensiveness and assumptions to overhelping, impulsivity, and stubborn certainty, they unpack why we're often quick to spot blind spots in others while remaining unaware of our own . The conversation highlights an important truth: blind spots aren't character flaws. They're simply gaps in how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. The key isn't eliminating them. It's becoming curious enough to uncover them. Key Points What blind spots are and why everyone has them The difference between intentions and impact in relationshipsWhy defensiveness is often a clue that a blind spot existsUnderstanding the bias blind spot: seeing others' biases while missing your own How blind spots show up in parenting, marriage, friendships, and personal growthThe role of feedback, self-awareness, and trusted relationships in uncovering blind spotsWhy curiosity creates growth while certainty often creates stagnationTakeaway You can't grow from what you refuse to see. Blind spots are part of being human, but self-awareness begins when we're willing to ask hard questions, listen to feedback, and get curious about the things we may be missing. Growth doesn't happen when we're right. It happens when we're willing to learn.

In this solo episode of Filter Optional, Shannon West explores a question that surfaced after her youngest son graduated from college: What’s the difference between being lonely and being alone? Reflecting on her own experience, Shannon shares why she warned both of her sons that their early twenties might be some of the loneliest years of their lives, even when surrounded by friends, roommates, coworkers, and constant activity . But as she unpacks her own journey, Shannon realizes something surprising: she isn’t lonely. What she’s actually craving is aloneness. From never having lived alone to navigating marriage, motherhood, friendships, codependency, and personal growth, Shannon explores the difference between isolation and solitude, and why intentional time alone can be a powerful pathway to peace, clarity, and spiritual connection. Key Points Why your early twenties can feel lonely, even when you're surrounded by peopleThe important difference between loneliness and solitudeHow codependency and people-pleasing can make it difficult to know what you truly wantWhy many adults struggle to ask for time alone without guilt or explanationThe role of faith, spirituality, and a higher power in combating lonelinessHow solitude can help you reconnect with yourself and your purposeWhy being alone isn't necessarily a problem to solve, but a gift to embrace Takeaway: Loneliness and aloneness are not the same thing. Loneliness is a longing for connection. Aloneness can be an opportunity for it. When we intentionally create space for quiet, reflection, and connection with something greater than ourselves, solitude becomes less about isolation and more about restoration.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West unpack a conversation that challenges one of the most common phrases in parenting culture: “You must be so proud.” After celebrating their son’s graduation from the University of Texas, Chico and Shannon explore the deeper meaning behind the word proud—and why they’ve intentionally chosen different language like grateful, delighted, and encouraged instead . This episode dives into how pride, achievement, identity, parenting, and ego can quietly become intertwined—and how shifting the focus away from ourselves creates healthier relationships and deeper emotional connection. Key Points Why the phrase “I’m proud of you” can unintentionally center the parent instead of the child  The difference between pride, gratitude, delight, and encouragement How parenting culture often ties a child’s success to parental identity Understanding “basking in reflected glory” and achievement-based validation Why healthy parenting means supporting both successes and failures The connection between pride, ego, self-awareness, and emotional health How gratitude creates deeper joy and connection than pride alone  Takeaway There’s nothing wrong with celebrating the people you love. But shifting from pride to gratitude changes the focus from “look what this says about me” to “look at the person they’re becoming.” That subtle shift creates more humility, deeper connection, and healthier relationships.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West unpack one of the most important — and misunderstood — aspects of emotional health: self-awareness. What does it actually mean to be self-aware? And why do so many people think they are… while still repeating the same unhealthy patterns? Using humor, real-life marriage moments, and practical examples, Chico and Shannon explore the difference between self-awareness, self-absorption, defensiveness, emotional capacity, and understanding how you’re uniquely wired . They also introduce a practical framework around being: High or low maintenance High or low energy High or low productivity …and explain why none of these are inherently “good” or “bad.” The key is learning how to recognize your patterns, regulate your responses, and stop judging yourself (or others) through shame-based labels. Key Points Why most people overestimate their level of self-awareness The difference between self-awareness and self-absorption Why defensiveness is the enemy of growth Understanding internal vs. external self-awareness How high/low maintenance, energy, and productivity affect relationships Why emotional capacity and mental load matter in marriage and family dynamics The importance of introspection, accountability, and noticing patterns over time How self-awareness helps reduce blind spots and improve communication  Takeaway Self-awareness isn’t about perfection. It’s about being willing to honestly examine your patterns, own your impact, and understand how you’re wired without shame. The more self-aware you become, the less defensive you need to be — and the healthier your relationships become.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West step into a nuanced and vulnerable conversation about ibogaine therapy, psychedelics, trauma recovery, PTSD, addiction, and mental health healing. As psychedelics gain national attention—and states like Texas begin expanding research into ibogaine treatment—Chico and Shannon unpack the difference between hype, fear, and legitimate therapeutic potential . Drawing from addiction recovery work, trauma-informed care, and personal reflection, they explore how ibogaine may help “rewire” the brain for people struggling with PTSD, traumatic brain injuries, severe depression, and opioid addiction. They also discuss the growing cultural conversation around ayahuasca, ketamine, kratom, and medication-assisted treatment—and why discernment matters. This isn’t a conversation about escapism or recreational drug use. It’s about curiosity, healing, and asking difficult questions about how trauma impacts the brain and what true recovery can look like. What ibogaine is and how it differs from ayahuasca, ketamine, and other psychedelics Why ibogaine is gaining attention for PTSD, traumatic brain injury, and opioid addiction recoveryThe connection between trauma, inflammation, and brain healthHow unresolved memories and emotional pain can stay buried in the nervous systemWhy preparation, medical supervision, and intentionality matter in psychedelic-assisted therapyThe difference between healing tools and addictive escape behaviorsHow perspectives on mental health treatment can evolve over timeHealing sometimes requires looking honestly at what’s been buried. Whether through therapy, recovery work, spiritual practices, or emerging treatments like ibogaine, growth begins when we become willing to investigate the deeper roots of pain instead of only managing the symptoms. Key PointsTakeaway

In this episode of Filter Optional, hosts Chico and Shannon West dive into the messy—but freeing—work of learning to identify your feelings. Too often, we confuse emotions like frustration or nervousness with the deeper truths underneath. Drawing from years of coaching, counseling, and personal experience, Chico and Shannon break down why so many of us mislabel our feelings, why we often see emotions as “negative,” and how that keeps us stuck in unhealthy patterns. You’ll learn: - The difference between surface reactions and core feelings like fear, pain, anger, shame, guilt, loneliness, and joy. - How cultural and gender messages shape the way we process emotions. - Why saying “I’m fine” masks what’s really going on—and how to start uncovering the truth behind it. - Simple tools and first steps for practicing emotional awareness in real time. This is the baseline—the foundation—for everything to come on Filter Optional. Because once you can name your feelings, you can begin to investigate them. And when you investigate your feelings, you reclaim your freedom.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West sit down with Dr. Jen and Dr. Jake Dean to explore what it really takes to build a healthy, connected marriage—at home and at work. From communication breakdowns and power struggles to identity, self-awareness, and shared goals, this conversation dives into the real challenges couples face—and how to navigate them without shame, blame, or disconnection . Together, they unpack the idea of stepping into the “messy middle” (or the “dark forest”)—the uncomfortable but necessary space where growth, vulnerability, and deeper connection are built. If you’ve ever struggled with conflict, felt disconnected from your partner, or questioned how to balance individual identity with shared life, this episode offers practical insight and hope. Key Points Why communication, conflict, and power dynamics are the most common struggles in marriage  The concept of the “messy middle” and why growth requires discomfort How different expectations about marriage create tension and disconnection The importance of self-awareness and self-leadership in relationships Why identity matters—separating who you are from what you do The balance between individual needs (“I matter”) and relational health (“we matter”) How shame, guilt, and lack of communication block connection Takeaway Healthy marriages aren’t built by avoiding conflict—they’re built by learning how to move through it. When couples develop self-awareness, communicate clearly, and step into the messy middle together, real connection becomes possible.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West unpack what it really means to have healthy friendships—and why most people are asking the wrong question. Instead of labeling people as “good” or “bad,” they challenge listeners to shift their mindset toward something more practical: Is this relationship healthy or unhealthy for me? Through real-life examples—from girls trips and group texts to birthday expectations and social pressure—they explore how codependency, people-pleasing, and fear of judgment quietly shape adult friendships . If you’ve ever felt anxious in a group dynamic, struggled to set boundaries, or questioned whether your friendships are truly supportive, this episode offers clarity and language to help you navigate it Key Points Why labeling people as “good or bad” creates judgment and disconnection The shift to thinking in terms of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships How codependency and people-pleasing show up in friendships The importance of boundaries—and what happens when they aren’t respected Understanding friends for a reason, season, or lifetime Why group dynamics can create anxiety, pressure, and insecurity How to recognize if a relationship allows you to be seen, heard, and respected Takeaway You can’t control other people—but you can control your boundaries. When you stop labeling relationships as good or bad and start asking what’s healthy for you, everything becomes clearer.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West walk through a real-life moment of anxiety, shame, and self-doubt—and the practical steps to move through it. After making an honest mistake, Shannon shares how quickly the mind can spiral into fear, false narratives, and identity-based shame. Together, they unpack a powerful framework for emotional health: identify, investigate, regulate—a process that helps you move from reaction to intentional response . This episode is a raw and honest look at what happens internally when things go wrong—and how self-awareness, regulation tools, and truth can bring you back to clarity and peace. Key Points - The identify, investigate, regulate framework for emotional health  - Why mistakes often trigger false narratives and identity-based shame - The difference between feelings and truth - How the brain reacts to emotional threats like physical danger - What the “scramble” looks like: anxiety, overthinking, and shutdown - Practical tools for regulation: breathing, prayer, grounding, and action - Why owning mistakes builds integrity, trust, and connection Takeaway You can’t stop the initial emotional reaction—but you can choose what happens next. When you identify what you’re feeling, investigate what’s true, and regulate your response, mistakes become opportunities for growth instead of spirals of shame.

In this episode of Filter Optional, Chico and Shannon West explore a timely and important question: Can AI replace therapy, coaching, or real human connection? As artificial intelligence becomes more integrated into daily life, more people are turning to chatbots for help with anxiety, depression, relationships, and emotional struggles. But is it actually helpful—or just a temporary fix? Chico and Shannon unpack the benefits, limitations, and risks of using AI for mental health, sharing real-life examples, research, and personal insights on how technology is shaping the way we process emotions and seek support . Key Points - Why more people are using AI for mental health support - The idea of AI as a “quick snack” vs real emotional nourishment - The benefits of AI: accessibility, low barrier, and immediate feedback - The limitations: lack of empathy, body language, and real connection - Why communication is more than words—and what AI misses - The risks of replacing therapy with technology - How AI can be a tool, but not a substitute for therapy, community, or faith Takeaway AI can be helpful—but it can’t replace real connection. Use it as a tool, not a substitute. Healing, growth, and true emotional health still require human relationships, presence, and deeper work.