Advertise on podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

SPONSORS: New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS, spend five bucks to get $150 in rewards within 14 days - includes all markets. Get your free quote at https://ethos.com/BEARS. Let’s eat real. Head to https://factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off and 1 free breakfast item per box for 1 year, while supplies last until 10/31/2026. See website for more details. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears.  Start learning a new language TODAY with Babbel. Right now listeners can save up to 60% off at https://babbel.com/BEARS. Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are on separate sides of the country, but still together in our hearts. Tom's about to film a movie and Bert's been running his takes through ChatGPT before he says them out loud, which still doesn't stop LeeAnn and his daughters from destroying him over The Pastor's Wife. Bert explains how Last Comic Standing edited him into the villain, and how much public misrepresentation a person should take before they swing back; Michael Jackson, Shane Gillis, Johnny Depp, Joe Rogan, and Bert's "how many bees until you start swatting" theory. From there, Bert delivers the two greatest analogies of his life, Tom demands the production Bible for Tenet to understand it better, and Bert turns his garage door into a guillotine. They also get into Kyle Forgeard of Nelk Boys running seven marathons in seven days, Bert's daughters hijacking his couples therapy to tell the therapist he only feels emasculated at Lowe's, and Bert's case that Raygun should have won the gold medal and that Jackson Pollock was a shill. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 340 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit http://ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year. $50 in rewards issued every 7 days via click to claim for 14 days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at http://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:38 - ChatGPT Approved Takes & Death Of The Pastor's Wife 00:07:17 - How Many Bees Until You Start Swatting? + Purple Doritos 00:15:02 - Tom's Movie Beard & Revisiting Tenet 00:28:44 - 365 One-Minute Episodes & Bryson DeChambeau's Hole In One 00:34:08 - Mountain Dew Sizzle 00:38:01 - Football Segue 00:39:19 - Kyle Forgeard's Seven Marathons & Andrew Schulz's Miami Era 00:43:50 - Bert's Tom Impression & Couples Therapy With The Girls 00:51:03 - The Honey Deuce & Bert's Return To Drinking 00:56:16 - What Olympic Sport Could You Actually Get Good At? 01:02:50 - Raygun Deserved The Gold & Jackson Pollock Was A Shill 01:12:15 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Check out Hoop and Huddle, YMH Studios' new comedy sports show, hosted by comedians Luke Touma & Nate Marshall. Two friends talking basketball, football, and whatever ruined their weekend. Less "analysts breaks down the tape," more "your boys yelling at the TV." https://www.youtube.com/@UCdaQbXFKAuvKcZcwieo8A6A SPONSORS: Thanks to MANSCAPED® for sponsoring today’s episode! Get The Lawn Mower® Ultra Gen 6 for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code BEARS at https://Manscaped.com! The DraftKings Sports app is now live in all 50 states! Head to https://dkng.co/bears For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew. An American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you. Welcome back to the cave! Hunter Biden says he's 48% gay, which raises the only question that matters: what percent are you? Bert and Tom build the math from zero, clothes, dicks, physiques, saunas, eye patches, a $5,000 face laser, and Bert climbs a lot higher than he expected to. Along the way: why Bert can't watch Sophie Cunningham highlights, the uncomfortable truth about loving Jason Williams, John Stockton's total lack of pizzazz, the hunt for a white DB in the NFL, Bert calling his dad mid-episode to check the family for slave owners (Tom's family does not come out clean), Bert's sister telling him to grow up about his sleep anxiety, Ila volunteering to fight Tom's ten-year-old in the Octagon, the 2:30am Dodger Stadium aftermath, a device that grades your poop, and Bert's full-throated defense of the Philadelphia Eagles' male cheerleader. Plus: this week's Mountain Dew summer sizzle submissions, including one that requires $2.6 million of CGI and one that just shuts Bert up. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 339 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://ccpg.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in 7 days. Trade to get $50 in Predictions Dollars that expire in 1 year, issued every 7 days via click to claim for 21 days. 1 non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends July 19th. Terms at https://dkng.co/audio. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:14 - Hunter Biden Says He's 48% Gay 00:06:23 - Clip Farms, Sophie Cunningham, & Jason Williams 00:15:32 - John Stockton, White Boxers & Tim Dwight 00:29:23 - California's Slavery Bill & Bert Calls His Dad 00:34:41 - The Girlfriend, The Sister, & The Fight Challenge 00:42:34 - The Dodgers Game Aftermath & A Whoop For Your Toilet 00:46:11 - Male Cheerleaders, Female Urologists, & Checking Out Men 00:52:38 - Hiding From Lightning With A Grindr Meetup 00:59:05 - Comedian OnlyFans & Ohtani's $17 Million Translator 01:05:44 - Mountain Dew Summer Sizzle Submissions 01:11:34 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS: Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com Visit https://ethos.com/BEARS Sign up for your free trial at https://shopify.com/bears Sign up now and join over 14 million people already investing with Acorns. New customers get a $20 bonus investment just for signing up. Head to https://acorns.com/bears to claim your $20 bonus today. Limited time offer. Terms and conditions apply. See https://acorns.com/terms for details. New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days - includes all markets. Welcome back to 2 Bears 1 Cave! This week Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dive right in with Jelly Roll's headline-grabbing Kimmel monologue where he addressed the president as "from one fat pig to another." Bert then takes full credit for Jelly Roll's weight loss and the entire genesis of the Two Bears 5K, because technically he was in the room when that casually became a thing. They also have exciting news, a new 5K is coming in April and it's going to be bigger than ever. From there, Bert opens up about the panic attacks he's been having, severe, physical, and rooted in something he now understands: a complete lack of childhood bedtime structure. Tom grew up getting nightly Catholic prayers, a sign of the cross from mom, and the full rosary in the car for any trip over ten minutes. Bert grew up watching Letterman alone at nine years old at 3am while his dad slept off a ten mile run. The bears compare notes on childhood bedtime routines, how they each put their own kids down now, and what sleep anxiety looks like when it hits a grown adult, including Bert's most recent 36-hour panic attack that started when a friend told him he yawns too much and he forgot how to do it. He couldn't yawn for a day and a half. He finally yawned in couples therapy. That's where we are. They also get into Mel Gibson getting lightly canceled for mocking a sign language interpreter (on the scale of Mel Gibson incidents, this doesn't even register), a game of complimenting Salma Hayek on the one thing she's never heard in her 60 years on earth, Tom Hardy's new rap album, Jonah Hill's white belt jiu jitsu bravado and whether he'd actually beat Jason Bateman's ass, the Eddie Bravo black eye that made Bert walk out of a jiu jitsu class without ever taking his jeans off, and the Times Square Stabber whose fat padding made every taser completely ineffective and whose stabbing motion made this incident appear beyond ridiculous at first. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 338 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-426-2537, 1-800-697-3738. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Bet with DraftKings Sportsbook to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days OR Trade with DraftKings Predictions to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. Event contract trading involves risk of loss. Predictions offer void in New York. Non-withdrawable Rewards issued as Fifty dollar click-to-claims every seven days for twenty-one days. Terms at https://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:18 - Jelly Roll Called Trump A Fat Pig on Kimmel 00:15:49 - Mel Gibson's Sign Language Incident & Cancel Culture 00:22:32 - Childhood Bedtimes & Panic Attacks 00:33:38 - Putting Kids to Bed & Bert's Sleep Anxiety Deep Dive 00:41:44 - Bert Forgot How to Yawn and Had a 36-Hour Panic Attack 00:51:25 - Salma Hayek At 60 00:55:47 - Tom Hardy's Album, Shapeshifters & Jonah Hill's White Belt Energy 01:05:56 - The Times Square Waddling Stabber Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS: https://dkng.co/bears New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get $200 in rewards within 21 days, includes all markets. For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, go to https://netsuite.ai/bears. Visit https://Betterhelp.com/BEARS. Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at https://ShipStation.com, with code cave. Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the cave and surprise surprise, Bert opens with a confession: he wishes he'd never quit drinking. What follows is a full inventory of the modern male brain, the online pastor Tom watches every morning to get inspired, why 17-year-olds have no business being nostalgic for anything, the exact moment each of them gave up on playing pro sports, and why comedians never seem to get that same reality check. The guys break down Bert's Whoop addiction and the blood clot that started it, get talked into a completely fictional performance-enhancing stack for a 5K, fall in love with bull riding legend JB Mauney, pitch the worst sponsorship idea in podcast history, and watch a food delivery driver take on the entire Barstool office. Then it's cringe cancellation, sobriety influencers, 4:23 a.m. morning routine guys, and a long, very funny argument about which movie stars are actually men and which ones just look at themselves in the mirror. Plus Bert's new fragrance obsession, the colognes of Napoleon, Elvis and JFK, Sebastian Maniscalco's four seasonal robes, Joe Rogan's splits, Billy Bob Thornton at the CMAs, and a big announcement about the future of the show. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 337 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MYRESET. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21+. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. $50 in rewards issued every seven days via click to claim for twenty-one days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Terms at https://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:17 - The Jewish Joke Bert Can't Tell On Stage 00:04:26 - Pastor Manning 00:09:09 - Period Sex Confessions & Giving Up On Sports 00:21:50 - Nobody Quits Comedy Or Drinking 00:31:31 - Whoop Obsession, The Blood Clot, & Tren 00:37:09 - JB Mauney & The PBR 00:44:27 - Motorcycles & The 12 O'clock Boys Sponsorship 00:46:56 - The Barstool Helmet Fight 00:52:58 - Fighting Women 00:56:13 - Cringe Cancellation 01:01:35 - Tom's Pep Talk & Bert's Therapy 01:05:05 - Sobriety Influencers & Morning Routine Guys 01:09:04 - Cringey Actors vs. Real Men 01:19:33 - Bert's Fragrance Obsession 01:30:00 - Drakkar Noir Nostalgia 01:36:49 - Sebastian Maniscalco Is A Study 01:40:04 - Bert Meets Billy Bob At The CMAs 01:44:26 - 2 Bears Is Going Back To Weekly Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS: Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com Thanks to MANSCAPED for sponsoring today’s video! Get The Beard Hedger Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code “BEARS” at https://Manscaped.com! Start your free trial at https://SHOPIFY.COM/bears For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears for your free online visit. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://Betterhelp.com/BEARS. Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50 percent off and 1 free breakfast item per box for 1 year, while supplies last until 10/31/2026. https://babbel.com/BEARS for up to 60% off. Rules and restrictions may apply. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer celebrate Bert officially entering the Guinness Book of World Records for The Machine, possibly the most performed signature story in comedy history, and immediately spiral into the comedy record arms race: Shane Gillis' 77,000-person show, Nate Bargatze's 2 million tickets, the Dane Cook vs. Dave Chappelle longest-set war, and Bert's plan to lock 75,000 paid "hostages" inside Raymond James Stadium and perform for ten straight hours. Then the Bears respond to Stavros Halkias calling out comics who fly private, and explain why he's absolutely right: nobody gets funnier on a private jet. From there, Bert declares Busboys, the new Theo Von and David Spade movie, the greatest piece of art he's ever seen, and Tom finally watches The Odyssey, only for Bert to officially turn on it over the Travis Scott cameo. Plus: Gaddafi's all-female Amazonian Guard, plane-crash hypotheticals, Chimp Empire is the best reality show ever made, Mick Jagger on fame, and why the Bears are grateful they got famous late. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 336 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:18 - Comedians Getting Guinness Records 00:07:24 - The Attendance Record Arms Race 00:18:09 - Stavvy Says Private Jets Don't Make You Funnier 00:24:25 - Lunch Pail Phonies & Staying Honest 00:35:39 - Busboys Is A Secret Masterpiece 00:41:55 - Tom Finally Saw The Odyssey 01:03:45 - Por Osos At Frenchies & MacDill 01:07:29 - The Sexiest Military & Plane Crash Hypotheticals 01:12:08 - Chimp Empire 01:15:26 - Leanne's Birthday & The Black Crowes 01:20:28 - Mick Jagger On Fame 01:24:18 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS: Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com Shopify: Turns out you don’t need a real job. Build your own business with a free trialat http://shopify.com/bears Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get one hundred fifty in rewards within 14 days, includes all markets. Over at https://dkng.co/bears. For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at http://Mengotomars.com. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back in the cave after eight weeks apart, and they open with a full review of The Odyssey, Lupita Nyong'o as Helen of Troy, Matt Damon's rogue Boston accent, and why Jon Bernthal is Hollywood's most legendary napper. From there, Bert unveils his billionaire rebrand (Sabah shoes, LBJ Stetsons, and the top five shoes billionaires wear this fall) before getting real about sobriety, anxiety attacks, and self-diagnosing 12 terminal illnesses in a single month. The Bears also spiral into the movies that blindsided them, Primal Fear, The Sixth Sense, Memento, Fight Club, and why the DIY hits like Obsession prove Hollywood is in another pivot moment. Plus: Project Hail Mary vs. the 15-hour audiobook, Bert's theory that this is the funniest (and most jacked) generation of comics ever, college football weight-room PRs, Jason Kelce showing up for a 9 AM bench session, and a meet & greet at MacDill Air Force Base August 14. If you missed the Bears, this one's for you. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 335 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800 GAMBLER, 1-800 MY RESET. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit http://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get Predictions Dollars that expire in one year. Fifty dollars in rewards issued every seven days via click to claim for fourteen days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Nationwide based on Sportsbook, Predictions, and Free-to-Play Sports Contest availability. Varies by State. Terms at http://dkng.co/offer. Limited time offer. Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:26 - The Bears Review The Odyssey 00:10:34 - Bears At MacDill Air Force Base 00:11:15 - Project Hail Mary & Bert's Cute Shoes 00:23:37 - Bert's Drinking Again 00:33:36 - Obsession & The New Hollywood Pivot 00:39:00 - The Best Twist Movies Ever 00:52:33 - Everyone's Got Abs 00:56:02 - College Weight Room Energy 01:00:44 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS: Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com Visit https://ethos.com/BEARS Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew, an American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at https://shipstation.com, with code cave. If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, go to https://NetSuite.AI/BEARS. Head to Factormeals.com/bears50off and use code bears50off to get 50% off. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer compare their two very different eras of being fat, Tom's custom-made fat guy shirts, hard visceral fat vs. soft fat, and why losing weight made everyone think Tom got lip injections. Bert's sober documentary binge takes them from Patient Zero "Gay Tom" spreading AIDS across the Air Canada route map to Concorde pricing scams. Tom also reveals the fattest thing he's ever seen Bert do: ten appetizers, four entrées, and twenty doubles in Tallahassee. Bert also retells Bill Hader's retelling of Henry Rollins meeting David Lee Roth, and his daughter's instantly legendary Boston Tea Party take. Then things get real: a midlife crisis YouTube video sends Bert and LeeAnn into a "sell everything and get five apartments in five cities" fantasy, LeeAnn gets brutally honest about when she was happiest, and Tom breaks down the difference between happy and content. Plus: Hulk Hogan inflating Andre the Giant's weight, Julian's belt reaction to the Michael Jackson movie, Whoop resting heart rate brags, Craig Robinson's dunk, and the great first sweat vs. last sweat debate. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 334 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro00:00:52 - Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom00:09:16 - Patient Zero, Polio, & The Concorde00:19:38 - The Fattest Thing Tom Ever Saw Bert Do00:23:55 - Bill Hader, David Lee Roth & Boston Tea Party00:32:21 - Hulk Hogan, Macho Man & LeeAnn Off Leash00:36:37 - Five Apartments In Five Cities00:46:12 - Bert's Midlife Crisis Theory00:54:34 - "You're Not Hitting The Notes, Mike"00:57:05 - Whoop Brags & Craig Robinson Dunking01:02:36 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS: Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of Mountain Dew, an American Original. Tasting Great Since ’48. Look for Mountain Dew in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com Thanks to MANSCAPED for sponsoring today’s video! Get The Beard Hedger Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code “BEARS” at https://Manscaped.com! For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://hims.com/bears Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus investment. Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion dollars with Acorns. Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears Start your free trial at https://shopify.com/bears This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer spiral through Bert's newest crisis: figuring out which musicians would actually like him. After Lou Reed tells him off mid-treadmill (entirely inside Bert's head), Bert starts deleting Jane's Addiction and Radiohead from his library, relives Shane Gillis walking out of a Wilco concert after five seconds, and learns his most-played song of all time is "Higher" by Creed. From there, the Bears get into Tom's tour of Kid Rock's 20,000-square-foot, two-bedroom replica White House and meeting Jimmy John from Jimmy John's, a deep dive on Subway Takes and why Bert believes celebrity hot takes are all fake, the viral "white people shouldn't sit on stoops in Bed-Stuy" debate, and a deeply satisfying story of a first-class line cutter getting humbled in front of Viola Davis. Bert also opens up about the final days of his five-and-a-half-month sobriety run, including the recovery books, journaling on planes, and why his first drink back is happening at his daughter Georgia's University of Oregon graduation before going scorched earth on the dad who posted his 4-year-old breaking a rope swing "world record" in Moab. Plus: the MyPillow guy, the thumb-to-arm gut health test, Garth Brooks friendship fantasies, and why Moby would hate them both. If you missed this show, this one's for you. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 333 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters00:00:00 - Intro00:01:11 - Lou Reed Talks Shit to Bert on the Treadmill00:04:27 - Kurt Vile, Bob Dylan, & Shane Gillis Walking Out on Wilco00:16:15 - Deleting Every Musician Who Wouldn't Like Bert00:25:00 - Kid Rock's Replica White House & Jimmy John From Jimmy John's00:28:51 - MyPillow, Workout Underwear & Sleeping Naked00:31:11 - Subway Takes & J.Lo's Rented Hot Take00:41:01 - White People on Stoops00:43:47 - Airport Line Cutters00:50:09 - Bert's Last Week of Sobriety01:01:21 - The 4-Year-Old Moab Rope Swing Rant01:13:03 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS: Look for American Dew limited-time packaging or find it in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com Don't sleep on @‌ultrapouches. New customers get 15% Off with code BEARS at https://takeultra.com! #UltraPouches #ad New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get two hundred in rewards within 21 days. https://dkng.co/bears For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS. Get up to 60% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS Order a bottle of Por Osos and some killer merch online https://drinkporosos.com This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dig into the wild, unexpected Black audience response to Bad Thoughts Season 2, Tom debuting his "out of your control" philosophy on how comedy lands, and a hilarious accounting of which comedians did and didn't text Bert about his new show. Bert opens up about getting nastier and setting harder boundaries in sobriety, comparing himself to the A-Rod and Rafael Nadal documentaries, and Tom reveals his ongoing health investigation that involves shitting in a bucket for a lab test. The Bears also spiral into a debate on regional diets and genetics, plan a mushroom trip with an actual shaman, get Bert's dad on the phone to discuss his own legendary history of public accidents, and revisit boys' locker room culture versus Gen Z's aversion to male nudity. Plus: a Mountain Dew summer sizzle reel callout to fans, a celebration-of-life merch drop business plan for when they die, and the most detailed bowel movement breakdown the show has ever produced. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 332 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MY-RESET. New York: call 8778-HOPENY, text HOPENY. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Canada. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Availability varies. Bet to get Bonus bets that expire in seven days. Trade to get fifty dollars in Predictions Dollars that expire in one year, issued every seven days via click to claim for twenty-one days. One non-withdrawable reward redeemable. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends July 19th. Terms at http://dkng.co/audio Chapters00:00:00 - Intro00:00:14 - Bad Thoughts' Black Fanbase00:07:28 - Mountain Dew Summer00:11:31 - Healthiest Guy at the Party00:16:33 - The Subconscious Mind & Nasty Bert00:26:17 - Setting Boundaries & the A-Rod Documentary00:30:25 - Black Graduations, Bert's Identity Crisis & the Rafa Nadal Doc00:40:43 - Merch Plans for When You Die00:46:12 - Mushroom Trip & The Gut Health Investigation00:52:10 - Bert Shit Himself in His Sleep00:55:58 - Locker Room Talk01:00:33 - Breeding Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

SPONSORS: Look for American Dew limited-time packaging or find it in stores near you at https://mountaindew.com Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Demystifying AI, at https://www.netsuite.com/bears New DraftKings customers, sign up with code BEARS spend five bucks to get two hundred in rewards within 21 days. https://dkng.co/bears This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer celebrate Por Osos landing in Publix just in time for the 4th of July, which sends Bert into a full nostalgic spiral about pub subs, boat days, and taking his daughters into "international waters." From there, things get historical, the bears break down the story of the guy who invented the meter and got guillotined for it, which leads them down a rabbit hole of people killed for their big ideas, the French Revolution as the original cancel culture, and Martin Luther versus the Catholic Church.Then Bert tells stories about his relationship with the late Patrice O'Neal: getting destroyed at his first open mic, the Edinburgh trip where they lived together for 29 days watching Bruce Lee movies and Bert getting his feelings systematically demolished, and the moment he found out Patrice had tweeted something kind about him right before the stroke. Tom and Bert also spiral deep into funeral planning, who's required to show up, who gets a Sandler video instead of a live appearance, why Ari's funeral is going to involve hardcore Brooklyn relatives and a lot of confusion, the Andrew Schultz balloon clown apology Bert wants delivered posthumously, and whether or not to get cremated when science might figure something out. Plus: horror movies vs. comedy movies as investments, the film Obsession and its director Curry Baker, Bert's dad crashing the podcast mid-funeral conversation, the band Goose vs. the band Geese, and Mount Joy watching Passion of the Christ on the tour bus. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 331 https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com In Partnership with DraftKings. The Crown Is Yours. Bet with DK Sportsbook: Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER, 1-800-MY-RESET. New York: call 8778-HOPENY, text HOPENY. Connecticut: call 888-789-7777, visit https://CCPG.org . On behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Bet tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. Twenty one plus. Void in Ontario. Event contract trading with DraftKings Predictions involves risk of loss. Sportsbook Bonus bets expire in seven days. $50 in Predictions Dollars issued weekly for three weeks, expire in one year. Redeem one non-withdrawable reward. Availability varies. Predictions offer void in New York. Ends June 28th. Terms at http://dkng.co/audio Chapters00:00:00 - Intro00:02:21 - Por Osos in Publix & Florida Pub Sub Gospel00:08:45 - The Daniel Boone Documentary00:18:51 - The Guy Who Invented the Meter Got Killed for It00:24:59 - People Executed for Big Ideas00:33:46 - Patrice O'Neal Destroys Bert at His First Open Mic00:41:27 - Showtime Special, Party Bus, & Patrice's Funeral00:48:31 - Funerals Vs Celebration Of Life00:57:00 - Nick Kroll, Andrew Schultz & the Balloon Clown Apology01:04:11 - Bert's Dad Chimes In01:05:54 - Noga Erez, Goose Vs. Geese & Mount Joy01:09:02 - Curry Barker's Obsession & Horror vs. Comedy Movies01:15:10 - Wrap Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gape your 4th eye with Kurt Metzger and Duncan Trussell's new podcast Mystery Boys and get to the bottom of what's really going on in the world: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL-i3EV1v5hLfZinN-4ZV4wmZ862wupBWF Also, check out Tom's new bakery, Ciccio Bomba, at the new third location at 1100 South Lamar Blvd in Austin, right across from the Alamo Drafthouse. SPONSORS: - Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus investment. Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion dollars with Acorns. Head to acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. - Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com - Right now, Babbel is offering listeners up to 60% off. Go to https://Babbel.com/BEARS - Sponsored by Better Help. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Nick Kroll joins Tom and Bert to break down his new Netflix animated series Mating Season, why animation produces tighter comedy than anything shot on the fly, and the emotional formula behind Big Mouth that turned a filthy puberty show into something people actually shed real tears for. Along the way, they get into an all-timer story from a legendary comedy industry gathering featuring basically every comic you've ever loved, Tom's Charlie Murphy sushi dinner story, Bert's 50-pound weight loss and very specific relapse date, a true urban legend about Michael Landon and a javelin, a genuinely compelling movie pitch called The Quad Squad, and somehow end up in a deep dive on the Eichmann trial, featuring Sir Ben Kingsley showing up to a table read entirely off-book with a swastika-covered script. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 330 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:06:30 - Why Animation Forces Comedians to Actually Write 00:18:31 - The Greatest Comedy Photo You're Not In 00:25:25 - Tom's Charlie Murphy Sushi Dinner Story 00:39:33 - Raccoons, Black Voice, & Building the Mating Season Universe 00:54:46 - Did Michael Landon Kill a Man With a Javelin? 01:01:18 - A Completely Serious Movie Pitch 01:04:19 - Clothes, Bert's Transformation, & Relapse Date 01:13:07 - Nacho Figueras & the Argentina Horse Riding Disaster 01:25:13 - Gay Moose, Goats, & Nick Kroll's Full Project Lineup 01:29:54 - N.O.R.E Calls In 01:32:30 - Nick Kroll Speaks Spanish 01:36:45 - Hunting Eichmann & Sir Ben Kingsley's Unhinged Table Read 01:44:11 - Wrap Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The End is here! Ari's new storytelling show is $5.99 per episode at https://theend.ymhstudios.com. There's a total of 7 episodes for you to enjoy! Check out Joe DeRosa's new podcast Vile and Horrendous Pull up a chair and listen to what Joe does best: piss and moan! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWvLI8xCAa0 Also, check out Tom's new bakery, Ciccio Bomba, at the new third location at 1100 South Lamar Blvd in Austin, right across from the Alamo Drafthouse. SPONSORS: - 🌎 Get an exclusive 15% discount on Saily data plans! Use code bears at checkout. Download Saily app or go to https://saily.com/bears ⛵ - Thanks to MANSCAPED for sponsoring today’s video! Get The Beard Hedger® Plus for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code “BEARS” at https://Manscaped.com! - Sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears. - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS. - Get sixty days free at https://ShipStation.com with code cave - For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://Mengotomars.com Live from the legendary Rose Bowl during Netflix Is A Joke Fest, the Bears are back and even sweatier than usual! Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer take the stage fresh off the 2 Bears 5K for a completely unhinged live episode packed with race stories, weight loss victories, comic cameos, chaos, and pure degeneracy. Joined by Jelly Roll, Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa, and the guys from Are You Garbage?, the crew covers everything from losing hundreds of pounds and surviving airplane bathrooms while fat, to bidet discoveries, Netflix brunch disasters, H. Foley's iPhone nightmare, and the emotional insanity that surrounds the 2 Bears community. Plus: Bert reveals he mailed busts of his own dick to his closest friends, Tom bombs in front of Eddie Murphy and lives to tell the tale, Ari returns from traveling the world with a surprise award, and the whole crew spirals into stories about body transformations, sobriety, addiction, and comedy fame. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 329 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:02:50 - Jelly Roll aka The Third Bear 00:23:40 - H. Foley & Kevin Ryan 00:49:51 - Ari Shaffir 01:03:38 - Joe DeRosa 01:12:56 - Wrap & Plugs Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The End is here! Ari's new storytelling show is $5.99 per episode at https://theend.ymhstudios.com. There's a total of 7 episodes for you to enjoy! Check out Joe DeRosa's new podcast Vile and Horrendous Pull up a chair and listen to what Joe does best: piss and moan! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWvLI8xCAa0 SPONSORS: - Brought to you by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at https://betterhelp.com/bears. - Don’t let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at https://BlueChew.com - Get up to 60% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS. - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. - Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tim and Bart go up in smoke, sharing cigars together as they talk about whatever floats around in their collective heads. They talk about fat guy problems, before going into Tiger Woods' spiraling personal life. The Bears also walk down memory lane, comparing the infamous fat Bert pitching photo to one of him recently, and the drastic change is pretty staggering. They also unpack the text exchange between a student and the teacher sister of influencer Noah Beck, share some wild drug stories, and check out a clip of Doug Stanhope roasting a city council. Also the 2 Bears 5k is coming up! Hope you been training. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 328 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:56 - Fat Guy Problems 00:09:23 - Tiger Woods & Cigars 00:21:23 - Pitching Fat Pictures 00:29:30 - Noah Beck's Sister's Texts 00:43:40 - Age Differences 00:47:12 - Girl Talk 00:48:17 - Wild Drug Stories 00:59:19 - Doug Stanhope Fought City Hall 01:05:40 - Brendon Walsh Shenanigans 01:11:33 - Sabbatical & Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The End is Ari's new storytelling show! And it's finally here! Only at https://theend.ymhstudios.com/ . Get 7 full, hour long episodes of completely unfiltered stories for $29.99. Get it now! SPONSORS: - Go to https://ShipStation.com and use code cave for sixty days for free! - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS. - Text BEARS to 64000 to get 20% off all IQBAR products, plus FREE shipping. Message and data rates may apply. - Get 15% OFF your entire order @‌MANSCAPED with promo code BEARS at https://manscaped.com! #ManscapedPartner #TCSociety - Brought to you by BetterHelp. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. - Order a bottle of Por Osos and some killer merch online https://drinkporosos.com Welcome back to 2 Bears 1 Cave! This week, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are joined by the always unpredictable Ari Shaffir, dropping in to promote “The End”, a bold, no-holds-barred storytelling series that serves as a spiritual sequel and final evolution of his cult-favorite show This Is Not Happening.This episode dives deep into Ari’s return to long-form storytelling, breaking down how The End was independently produced with a stacked lineup featuring top-tier comics and a unique profit-sharing model that actually pays performers. The trio reflects on the evolution of comedy since Ari's original show, from Comedy Central’s heyday to today’s creator-driven landscape. The conversation spirals into outrageous personal stories, behind-the-scenes industry insights, and hilarious debates about everything from sobriety culture to the lost art of live storytelling. There’s also an unforgettable deep dive into a near-collaboration with Tracy Morgan, a story that almost made it into final show, and the unhinged unseriousness of morning show promotional interviews. Check out The End, y'all! We legit worked hard on it here at Studio Jeans. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 327 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:37 - The End 00:04:13 - Big Dicks & Big Chicks 00:12:20 - The Missing Tracy Morgan Story 00:31:10 - Morning Show Chaos 00:43:47 - 2 Bears 5K 00:47:30 - Booze Tales & Sobriety Influencers 01:01:09 - Road Trip Stories 01:08:31 - Tito's Vodka & Final Thoughts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The End is Ari's new storytelling show! It's almost here! Premieres April 16 on https://theend.ymhstudios.com/ . Presale pricing only available for a short time! You get 7 full, hour long episodes of completely unfiltered stories for $24.99. Afterwards, the price will increase so get it now! SPONSORS: - Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/BEARS . Application times may vary. Rates may vary. - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code BEARS. https://bluechew.com - Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/bears - Brought to you by BetterHelp. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at https://BetterHelp.com/bears. - Get up to 60% off at https://Babbel.com/BEARS. - Join the over 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $27 billion dollars with Acorns. Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to get started. Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura are back with a wild new episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, and this one has everything: a terrifying tour bus fire, Bert’s ongoing recovery from blood clots, near-death anxiety, celebrity gossip, and a heated defense of napping. Bert breaks down the shocking story of how his bus blew a tire outside Fargo, was left behind overnight, and then burst into flames just hours later — a moment that may have saved everyone on board. He and Tom unpack how close the situation really was, what Bert lost in the fire, and why he’s still obsessing over the hats. The Bears also dive into Bert’s fear of flying, life on blood thinners, what it means to face mortality without booze, and the bizarre mental spiral that comes with multiple near-death experiences in a matter of months. From there, the conversation takes its usual chaotic turn into Club Shay Shay, the “lost everything and got it back” misunderstanding, the Jeffrey Epstein email chatter, Chappell Roan backlash, and whether Jon Bernthal is dead wrong about naps. They also talk about the upcoming 2 Bears 5K in Pasadena on May 9, Bert’s current fitness goals, and whether he can break 30 minutes in the race. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 326 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:20 - Bert's Bus Burned Down 00:14:47 - Losing Everything 00:18:19 - A Really Cool Gift 00:20:40 - Death Is A Cruel Mistress 00:34:34 - Air Canada Accident + Other Aviation Disasters 00:43:10 - Chappell Roan 00:50:28 - Beefing With Jon Bernthal About Naps 00:56:34 - 2 Bears 5K 01:00:20 - New Bus & Doing Stand-Up Again 01:07:33 - Epstein, Fluffy, & KREISCHER Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices