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Sam kicks off Spook Retorts this year with the 1995 film Cruel Jaws. Have you seen the classic movie Jaws but thought "Man, this movie is too focused on the shark, it needs more extraneous plots"? Well, you're in luck! It's Jaws but also there's a family being evicted from their aquarium, a regatta that's not what you'd expect, mafia real-estate speculators, and a little girl who's definitely in league with the sharks. It doesn't help that this movie stole all its shark footage from the other Jaws movies, was originally released with the unauthorized title Jaws 5, and uses nothing but stock music that's also mostly ripoffs. As is tradition, Sam didn't look any of this up beforehand and is thus completely baffled the entire time. While the movie makes no sense, it does provide Danielle with a twist the makes her furious, and perhaps the single best line in any movie ever. Truly a spooktacular start to the season!

Danielle takes it back to her roots with the 1971 Nancy Drew novel The Crooked Banister by Carolyn Keene. Which is, much to Sam's annoyance, about both a staircase banister and a man named Banister. When Banister (the man) skips bail after being arrested for a series of scams, Nancy is on the case. Or Nancy's dad is. We're pretty certain he just leaves Nancy at Banister's Escherian-style horror house to keep her busy. Luckily, the house manages to do exactly that. Mostly because it has a murderous robot and, possibly unrelated, a serial killer room she seems deeply unconcerned about. Also, poisoned money. And a staircase that leads into a wall. And a tapestry of snakes. And a stolen Aztec bracelet. And, a moat of fire? Anyway, if you ever thought to yourself: "I love how Hyperion had so many plot points that went nowhere. I wish Nancy Drew was like that as well," — this one's for you.

Sam steps into Danielle territory with the 2003 Chinese vampire movie The Twins Effect (千機變). Are there twins? Sam certainly did no prior research and could not tell you. Sam, in fact, knows nothing about vampires he didn't learn from The Librarian. So this goes as well as you'd expect. The plot is up in the air, but it's supposedly about a vampire prince being hunted by a vampire duke in an effort to use the prince's blood to open a magic book that gives him sun-walking powers while said prince is falling in love with the human sister of a vampire hunter who is maybe also out to get him? Unclear where the vampire hunter really fits into this. Or, really, any of the side plots fit into it. In fact, the entire movie is a mystery. But, on the plus side, there's a pretty great cameo for no reason and an impressive commitment to bananas; so we'll take that.

Danielle finally (finally!) finishes her Korean drama saga with the rousing and super very exciting ending to I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). Were you wondering what our favorite serial killer, Joon G**k, was up to? You'd be the only one, because the police and characters certainly weren't. Anyway, surprise! He's back! And with plans just as unfathomable as ever. In fact, his entire motivation seems opaque, despite some intense internet searching from Danielle in the recesses of the 2013 kdrama forums. Psychic children government program still in the cards? Maybe! In any case, despite Sam's every objection, and there were a lot, we have somehow made it to end. And the end. And then the end again. It's basically just LOTR: Korean edition.

This week Sam brings the first episode of a brand new series Space: 1999 from 1975. Join us in the distant future of 1999 where Moonbase Alpha (on the Moon) is experiencing a strange disease affecting the astronauts there. It's definitely not radiation poisoning from all the atomic waste being constantly shipped there; no, it must it must be a virus from the planet Meta, only no one has been there yet. So maybe it's a virus that affects astronauts training for the mission to Meta? Look, Sam can't figure it out, and the show doesn't seem to care, all that matters is that people are going berserk and then dying from a mysterious illness. Luckily, Sam and Danielle have the man with all the answers there to help them figure it out. That's right, it's Filip! True to his reputation, he has answers about laser fences and the virus, and strong opinions about wooden chairs on spaceships. Meanwhile, things on the moon are getting worse as space lightning (???) erupts and a catastrophic event is about to unfold. This one super pays off, we promise. Special thanks to friend of the pod and honorary co-host Filip from Mind Duck Books for joining us! Find Mind Duck Books on Twitter @mindduckbooks, Instagram @mindduckbooks, and listen wherever you get your podcasts.

Danielle continues on in her k-drama saga with the (probably penultimate) episode of I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). If you’ve been wondering what hitman/murderer/avenger Joon G**k has been up to this whole time, boy will you be disappointed as he’s been writing letters at a desk in an alleyway, probably. However, if you are all-in on the Do Yeon being the daughter of Jail Guy plotline then this episode is for you. Jail Guy, who tried to murder his wife for realsies this time, is ready for his day in court. His defense team seems to be resting their case entirely on the jury ignoring the law, and the prosecution is, for once, in the right. Speaking of the prosecution, did we mention that Do Yeon is the prosecutor on the case? That would all be well and good if nobody knew she was Jail Guy’s daughter, but spoiler, they all do. There is unlikely to be any conflict of interest, being the evidence and being the lawyer, so it’ll probably be fine. Lawyer shenanigans abound as they traverse what is definitely not double jeopardy per Sam, and is definitely questionable ethics, per everyone outside of this fictional Korean justice system. Will Do Yeon ever recuse herself from the case (hahahahaha), will our plucky heroes, Hye Seong and Soo Ha, make it (Sam doesn’t care), and will Joon G**k ever leave his alley desk? Questions. We’ve got them.

Sam is desperate for a little cool down so he brings us the holidays in July with the 2021 Hallmark movie The Santa Stakeout. Tanya is a newly minted detective having recently moved to a suburb of Denver. She's facing the ghastly prospect of spending Christmas alone, but fortunately there has been a series of art heists that coincided with Christmas parties around town. Unfortunately, Tanya is put on the case with the person she hates most, Detective Anderson, and they're going to have to share a house while staking out the prime suspect: A Santa actor known only as Mr. Christmas. Somehow, Tanya turns this into an excuse to create a winter wonderland in the stakeout house, while both she and Anderson completely ignore or, at best, botch the case. Seriously, these two are such lousy detective that Tanya can't find a Christmas present at a holiday market, and Anderson loses track of the suspect because he's too busy baking gingerbread men. Things get worse when they immediately and unilaterally turn their stakeout into an undercover operation to infiltrate the most dangerous organization in the country: The Christmas Committee. Will our two terrible cops crack the case? More importantly from Hallmark's perspective, will they go from enemies to lovers? We don't think you need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure that out.

For the summer holidays, Sam and Danielle are on a brief break, so we hope you'll enjoy this appropriately cold war themed rerun of Robot Jox! To kick-off the new year Sam brings the 1990 Stuart Gordon mech fighting film Robot Jox! Welcome to the distant future, post World War III, where war has been outlawed, somehow. Instead, the world has decided the more sensible way to settle international disputes is via single combat in mechs. While undoubtedly cool as heck, Sam has several issues with the concept on a practical level. The capitalist Market is locked in a perpetual battle with the communist Confederation. The latest battle is for control of Alaska, but when an errant rocket fist leads to the accidental death of hundreds of spectators (why are there spectators?!), Achilles, the hero of the Market, hangs up his robot gloves and retires. This makes room for the genetically engineered super soldiers to step-up to the fight, but there's only one problem: Achilles has the hots for one of them by the name of Athena. This leads to the most pressing question about this movie: Is it clever satire, or just another sexist 80's flick? We may not have an answer to that, but we do know this movie has kick-butt robot fights, so that's worth something for sure. So join us for some good ol' fashioned, Cold War 80's action!

Danielle continues through her own Hyperion with the 2013 Korean drama I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). Soo Ha, still all-in on his amnesia trope, is trying to live his best adult life, despite being up on murder charges, so he can win the affections of his long-time stalkee, and lawyer, Hye Seong. This is mostly working, for reasons beyond anyone's comprehension, and Hye Seong begins to question her feelings for him. Meanwhile, to the surprise of no one, Joon G**k is a million percent alive and instead of having run off to the Caribbean where he should be, he's out there picking up old ladies and murdering them again. Sam is so deep in his Kdrama Stockholm Syndrome that he's convinced Joon G**k's plans are starting to make sense. You know, if you get a bird's eye view of them, like The Nazca lines or pointillism. Meanwhile meanwhile, Jail Guy turns out to be more important than Danielle anticipated or she would have figured out his name several episodes ago, and Do Yeon somehow gets a whole side plot as we ignore the actual plot of the serial murderer out for revenge. Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile, Hye Seong's feelings come to a peak, torn between her love for the guy who told her to suck it up and deal with her mother's murder and her de facto little brother, as Joon G**k begins stalking her once again. Who will she choose? Do we care? And will she ever leave her apartment or will she die a preventable death in there because she doesn't understand how doors or stalkers work? Who knows!

Sam takes on another Cinderella adaptation, because there are literally thousands of them, with the 2023 movie Cinderella in the Caribbean. Or possibly Cinderella on the Island, Danielle is unclear. It doesn't matter because it's irrelevant to the plot (the very, very loose plot). Cinderella, sorry, Ashlyn, is living her best life. She's estranged from her horrible family, cruising through college, living in her own apartment without roommates, with a great diverse group of friends, and has both a job she loves and that loves her. But wait! Is that an inciting incident that doesn't make sense on the horizon? When Ashlyn receives a wildly last minute invitation to her step-mother's wedding in order for Miriam to play the part of adoring parent for her fiance, Bruce, she decides to drop her absolutely great life to surround herself with people who hate her in exchange for tuition money she doesn't really need. Totally fine though, Bruce's son (probably named Noah, or maybe Chad) is super hot. Or at least a 6(ish). And sparks fly. Which is good, because otherwise her entire trip is just a reminder that she should have sought therapy for her deep-seated need to do anything anyone tells her. When the fake happy family plan starts to break down (because her step-family doesn't understand how plans work), will she still get her prince charming? Will (probably) Noah overcome his face blindness and see her for who she truly is? Or will we realize that Bruce was the actual true villain all along?

Danielle takes us back to the world of psychic lawyer sidekicks in the 2013 Korean drama I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). Sam struggles to remember the previous episode but does recall his fury at the depiction of a justice system in this series so far. Danielle assures him that this episode delivers the goods and will leave him less angry. She is lying. We return at the point where Hye Seong is in a hospital after somehow being stabbed, and quickly flashback to the trial of Joon G**k. Despite everyone pretty much knowing he murdered Hye Seong's mom, his case is dismissed on account of him being just too good of buddies with the victim. Soo Ha, meanwhile, has gone rogue and decides to test Hye Seong's safety by throwing a smoke bomb into her home. He grossly underestimates her stupidity as she almost doesn't make it out alive. After that stunning success, Soo Ha decides to fight Joon G**k. This goes about as well as you expect and winds up with everyone but Joon G**k getting stabbed. Soo Ha disappears after that, and then Joon G**k's severed hand is found floating in the water. What could have happened? Where is Soo Ha? And most importantly, are the basketball hooligans the heroes we really need? While we're confident the answer to the last question is yes, join us on this episode to find out the rest! Maybe!

The magic is back as Sam shares the 1989 film Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II. After an arduous search, the sequel to Sam's favorite movie is here at last! After a rocky recap by Danielle, the story begins with Caedmon of Nog breaking the fourth wall and then be ordered on a quest by a wizard in his cooking pot. Said wizard, Vanir, commands Caedmon, his worst student, to go find a boy chosen one (of course) whom he will train to overthrow the three evil wizards that have taken over the three kingdoms. Caedmon sets off to find the boy, Tyor (not Tyler), identified by the mark of Vanir (read: random birthmark) on his armpit. Tyor is all too willing to go with Caedmon, most likely because he's the horniest wizard in the three kingdoms but the only woman near him thus far was his mother. So the quest begins! Caedmon and Tyor travel to defeat each of the three evil wizards and free the people, but actually don't really do much since Tyor is less a chosen one and more a whiny kid who gets yelled at by Vanir until things just kinda work out for him. Adventure! If you're wondering what this has to do with Simon, Shurka, Kor, Aura or literally anything from the first movie, so are we, and how the magic works in this universe is somehow even less clear after this movie. So if you're ready for a sequel where its biggest link to the previous movie is the liberal use of footage from other movies, then get ready to be ensorcelled!

Sam and Danielle are on spring break this week, so while we soak up some sun enjoy this holiday throwback! For part two of this year's Winter Bizarre Danielle brings the third installment of the Netflix film series with The Princess Switch 3: Romancing the Star. Margaret is the queen of the small European country of Montenaro who happens to have two identical doppelgängers: Former Chicago baker now princess Stacy and Fiona, her cousin and former kidnapper of Stacy. Montenaro is hosting an international Christmas festival (which is, apparently, a thing) and the Vatican has loaned them the Star of Peace, a relic belonging to St. Nicholas. Due to security that can charitably be described as "utter clown shoes" the star is immediately stolen. Under the threat of excommunication, Margaret commutes her felonious cousin's sentence so she can tap her criminal network to track down the star. Fiona puts her large network of one person to work and identifies that the star is being held by a nefarious hotelier. Instead of informing Interpol—who are investigating—of this development, Marget, Fiona, and Stacy plan a comically amateur heist that involves flirtation, sexy laser dancing, and, of course, lots of switching. The consequences for failure are almost certainly death at the hands of the villainous hotelier, which Sam thinks is a fair bit worse than excommunication for not heisting the star back. Throughout all of this, Sam has serious questions on the state of the Montenaro monarchy, which seems rife with nepotism, incompetence, and princess switching. Despite that, Danielle and Sam come up with a pretty good pitch for The Princess Switch 4, so Netflix, if you're listening, call us!

Danielle continues on with her own Hyperion: the 2013 Korean drama I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). We dive right back in where we left off, and while Sam remembers what happened in the last episode, don't count on his recap making any sense. The murderous twins are back in action, but with the added twist of their defense attorney completely giving up any semblance of ethics and gunning for them to be locked up in prison. This causes Sam to lose his mind. Meanwhile, Joon G**k has started working for Hye Seong's mom because this dude cannot just let a revenge go and insists on trying to murder everyone in the most obvious ways. Soo Ha, psychic boy wonder, doesn't have a lot to do but he seems to have given up high school to be a full-time sidekick to Hye Seong; which given her track record might be betting on the wrong horse. As the multiple storylines converge, Sam sees a glimmer of hope that we might get a break from the insanity, but if the haphazard retelling of eight different plot lines doesn't reel you in, surely Sam being apoplectic at the many miscarriages of justice might sway you.

Sam recaps his first Jackie Chan movie, which seems surprising given his enthusiasm, with the 2024 comedy Panda Plan. To be clear, pandas are not making plans, humans are making plans about pandas; much to Danielle's dismay. When Jackie Chan (playing himself) is asked to adopt a rare baby panda (metaphorically, for posterity. Again, much to Danielle's dismay), he quickly finds himself embroiled in a plot by mercenaries (with a menacing warship?) to steal the little fluffy butted cub for purposes beyond our comprehension. While neither of us question the premise—Jackie Chan "adopting" a baby panda and saving him from mercenaries seems realistic enough—we do quickly question the actual panda plan. Notably because the mercs choose quite literally the busiest day of the year, during the adoption ceremony, in broad daylight, while international superstar and martial arts enthusiast Jackie Chan is present, to invade the Jurassic Park style island zoo. Oh, now it makes sense that they own a menacing boat. If only they had asked the panda for a better plan. Throw in a flirtatious robot (oh, by the way, there's a robot), a panda nanny, and a shocking twist ending for what might be Sam's best recap of a Jackie Chan movie yet.