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Chelsey Brooke Cole and Tami discuss narcissistic personality structure and how to identify if someone is a narcissist. They consider myths of narcissism, the narcissistic cycle and how hoovering shows up, and the look and feel of various narcissistic types. They then answer participant questions about narcissist behavior, options for healing, and a realistic look at a future in a partnership with a narcissist.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] Hoovering and other narcissistic buzzwords.  [3:58] Chelsey's personal experience with narcissism.  [5:01] Debunking common myths about narcissism.  [9:20] Typical behavoirs of a narcissist.  [13:20] The defense mechanisms for the insecure, fragile ego of a narcissist.  [19:53] Characteristics of the six types of narcissists.  [25:05] Sex addiction and the narcissist.  [31:57] The narcissistic cycle of abuse, including hoovering.  [37:49] What triggers the Hoover phase?  [48:37] What happens if you decide to stay?  [49:45] Are there drawbacks to seeking a narcissist diagnosis?  [51:27] How can you gray rock a narcissist so they don't get escalation tactics?  [53:02] Is it a bad idea to point out narcissistic tendencies in your partner?  [54:09] Is narcissism treatable?  [56:17] Does my partner's behavior indicate narcissism?  [58:10] Do narcissists know what they are doing?  [1:00:21] What is the best approach to address the abuse of narcissistic traits used to self-protect and control?  [1:02:03] Can a narcissist develop empathy for their partner, and what does treatment involve?  [1:04:31] Is narcissism a mental health condition?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "Narcissism is not a diagnosis, it's a personality style and trait."  "All narcissists, even the ones who will self-report having high self esteem, are subconsciously insecure pathologically."  "Narcissistic abuse is like being in the middle of a tornado but not knowing it's a tornado."  "Feeling desperate is not the same as being accountable."  "Real accountability ends with you, Hoover statements always end with them." 

Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about co-regulating, couples healing, betraying partners who continue to minimize and resources to help betrayed partners move forward. They also address maladaptive behaviors and coping mechanisms, the power of curiosity in diffusing defensiveness, and the importance of honoring the grief and anger that comes with betrayal.    TAKEAWAYS: [:50] How can I tell if my partner is becoming regulated again?  [6:27] Physical signs that your partner is getting upset.  [9:20] What is defined as a crisis, and when do you talk about it?  [18:20] What is the practical difference between addiction and problematic porn?  [21:45] Why is your spouse not your priority?  [27:43] The power of curiosity in diffusing defensiveness.  [31:30] Three follow-up questions about recovery resources.  [33:10] Is there any hope for a future that is not dominated by betrayal?  [38:10] Honoring the grief and anger that comes with betrayal.  [45:46] How can I get past the egregious images of his betrayal?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "It is the addict's responsibility to set aside their own crisis until the partner feels heard and supported."  "The more you grow in your recovery, the more capacity you will have."  "How are you supporting yourself?" And if he's not listening to you, do you have people in your life who are?"  "Your relationship may never improve, but you don't have to feel damaged."  "Even if your partner chooses not to do the work, that does not have to define who you are."   

Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami explore the uncomfortable truths of emotional regulation, the importance of sitting with emotional discomfort, and realistic expectations for betrayal addicts and their partners to see improvements in their relationship. They then answer listener questions about  emotional regulation techniques, timeframes, and the motivation behind seeking to be an emotionally regulated partner in a relationship.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:33] The hard truth of staying emotionally present.  [4:34] Roadblocks to developing emotional leadership.  [7:08] What emotional leadership isn't.  [10:29] What emotional leadership is.  [18:30] Your partner is seeking safety, not explanations. [20:33] Dialogue for emotionally stable conversations.  [22:35] The role of healthy conflict in healing.  [28:19] "You are asking a lot of the betrayed partner."  [33:32] The person in pain and grief never gets to take a timeout from the nightmare. Why should their partner?  [35:17] Is this a slip or relapse?  [38:36] How can I better manage my emotions in the moment?  [40:20] How long should recovery work take?  [43:02] How can I correct after I become disregulated?  [45:43] How long will it take to feel confident and see results in my relationship?  [47:40] My partner ran away, how long should I give him to process?  [49:58] Body language recommendations.  [53:47] How do I know if emotional regulation techniques are working for me?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "You cannot establish emotional leadership if you can't emotionally regulate yourself."  "Emotional leadership is not about winning. It's about the way you handle emotional distress when things become uncomfortable."  "Safety, not explanations, is what your partner's nervous system is seeking in order to regulate."  "You can be factually correct and absent at the same time."  "Demonstrating emotional leadership is not a one-time performance."  

Dr. Skip Speer and Tami answer participant questions about missing a partner who has betrayed you, strategies for opening up in honest and helpful ways, timelines for dedicating time to recovery resources, and appropriate dialogue to have with family and friends during recovery.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:04] What is my role in holding the pain of my betraying partner?  [6:50] Seeking Integrity resources that are available to navigate unhealthy relationships.  [7:58] What treatment options are available to a narcissistic sex addict betrayer?  [13:24] How and when should we approach discussing our situation with family and friends?  [17:10] How can I open up as the betrayer and address the tough topics with my partner?  [23:37] Do I need to discuss being a 12-Step sponsor with my spouse?  [27:20] Is it normal to miss my betraying spouse?  [30:51] How can we navigate my partner's addictions with our children?  [36:15] Which support groups offer accountability instead of enablement.  [43:29] Can betrayed partners have traits of love addiction?  [44:31] How can I avoid getting pulled in to my sex addict partner's lies?  [50:02] How do I know when it's time to adjust the amount of time we spend on recovery resources?  [54:14] How can I possibly initiate sex after the years of my partner's betrayal?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "If a person is willing to engage in therapy and get in and do the work, there is hope."  "The more you focus on healing for you, the faster you will heal."  "Things may be bad, but they will get so much worse if you keep holding onto it."  "No addict changes unless the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same."   

Dr. Skip Speer and Tami talk about doomscrolling and hopescrolling, the features of each, and how to tailor your algorithm to lift you up at every stage of recovery. They then answer participant questions about sex addiction, including narcissism, gaslighting, and therapist obligations as mandatory reporters.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:49] Doomscrolling versus hopescrolling – how to engage in what serves you.  [7:01] Using your phone to numb out? Try this instead. [8:50] What is the difference between a CSAT and a regular therapist?  [13:25] Do we really need a couples therapist?  [20:24] The importance of accountability in therapy. [26:57] Programs for sex addiction with narcissistic traits. [37:25] The danger of denial in recovery.  [41:03] Dealing with a sex offender changes the recovery game.  [44:49] Key differences between narcissism and sociopathic behaviors.  [46:45] How can I financially separate myself from my betraying partner?  [50:05] My partner is looking at underage porn. Should I report him?  [54:33] Is the term 'gaslighting' used too loosely?  [56:30] What are the obligations of a mandatory reporter?  [58:30] What is the likelihood that underage porn addicts will ever ask for help if they know they will be reported?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "It feels better to comfort than confront, but at the end of the day, recovering addicts need accountability."  "In real recovery, we're looking for anything that is problematic or helping us escape in unhealthy ways."  "You know what your partner is not willing to do. So what are you willing to do?"   

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses therapeutic separation as an effective intervention for couples struggling with the impact of betrayal and addiction. She highlights the structure of therapeutic separation as a compassionate approach to help both individuals regain safety, clarity and hope in the relationship. She and Tami then answer participant questions about therapeutic separation, when it's the right next move, and what to do when it didn't resolve your relationship issues.    TAKEAWAYS: [:55] The possibilities with therapeutic or healing separation.  [2:07] Common scenarios in couples dealing with betrayal.  [3:00] Is therapeutic separation right for my relationship?  [6:04] The purpose and plan of therapeutic separation.  [10:34] Realistic separation timelines and action plans.  [17:47] Addressing common therapeutic separation fears.  [24:57] Managing the message to others.  [29:45] What to do when you're stuck. [32:11] The importance of regular therapist check ins.  [36:32] How does therapeutic separation end?  [40:16] What is the difference between sobriety and recovery?  [47:54] My partner is gaslighting me. Would in-home separation help?  [52:19] How do I know if my partner is really doing the work?  [57:08] Therapeutic separation didn't work. How do I move forward?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "Therapeutic separation aims at creating stability, safety, and gives each individual time to gain insights."  "As you define clear goals and understand the purpose of therapeutic separation, it becomes a roadmap for healing."  "In therapeutic separation, both partners are fully committed to doing their recovery work."  "All of this is scary, but the scariest thing is staying stuck."  

Dr. Jessica Lamar, Licensed Mental Health Therapist, explores unseen wounds and understanding disenfranchised grief and betrayal trauma. What is disenfranchised grief, and why does it matter? Dr. Lamar overs betrayal trauma, emotional and psychological impact, healing, and support strategies. She and Tami then answer participant questions about grief and boundaries, conversations and resources that are available to help navigate grief.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Intro. [2:58] Defining ambiguous loss – am I even in grief?  [4:40] Disenfranchised grief is a loss that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly mourned.  [6:02] Examples of disenfranchised grief as it relates to betrayal trauma. [11:30] Ambiguous losses that are associated with betrayal trauma.  [13:56] When betrayal occurs, the resulting grief is often disenfranchised.  [15:47] Statements that are commonly heard in disenfranchised grief.  [18:36] The psychological and emotional impact of disenfranchised grief.  [24:12] Strategies for empowering ourselves after loss.  [27:34] Common ways we invalidate grief after betrayal. [29:45] How can I validate myself in my grief?  [37:04] Interventions to help navigate disenfranchised grief.  [41:35] What resources are available to better understand and process grief.  [44:20] What dialog can we use to better communicate with extended family members who will not allow space for grief?  [47:35] How can I navigate anticipatory grief when I don't know what is actually going to happen?  [48:55] How can I ever start dating again after betrayal?  [50:49] What if the person who feels unsafe to me is a therapist?  [52:28] What is appropriate to say to our adult children?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "When a loss isn't socially recognized, the grieving process can be isolating and difficult to navigate."  "The lack of validation can make the pain even more isolating."  "When we are alone with our betrayal trauma and our grief, we can start to invalidate our own feelings."  "Navigating disenfranchised grief and betrayal trauma requires real, intentional effort to heal."  "No one has the right to tell people what is or isn't a loss."   

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dr. Eddie Capparucci addresses the struggle of many men to show empathy, especially those who have dealt with childhood trauma and emotional neglect. He warns of the dangers of labels and offers insights into the biological and neurological factors that affect empathy. Then he and Tami answer participant questions about empathy in relationships, with strangers, and in and out of the home.   TAKEAWAYS: [:30] The link between problematic sexual behaviors and a lack of empathy. [3:00] Empathy is learned in childhood. [7:18] When men don't know how to deal with emotions, they shut down. [8:46] The biological component of empathy. [12:23] Timing plays a critical role in the development of empathy. [15:07] Healing the brain and cultivating empathy. [24:07] Emotionally cold or emotionally dysregulated? [28:45] Why is my spouse empathetic with everyone except me? [33:09] Why do I seek stranger validation more than closeness with my partner? [35:35] My husband had plenty of empathy when courting me. What happened? [40:50] The neurological danger of viewing porn. [41:22] Lack of empathy or autism spectrum? [45:38] Where to find the feelings wheel. [46:48] Why is it easier to be empathetic with someone who's upset with someone else than someone who is upset with me? [49:41] Can these same principles apply to women? [52:00] How will we know when we are ready for couples work? [55:10] My husband feels judged when I ask him to be accountable.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES ● "When men don't know how to deal with emotions, they shut down." ● "Trauma and emotional neglect do not damage every child's empathy circuit in the same way." ● "The brain can heal and empathy can be cultivated." ● "Emotional regulation is recovery."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Scott Brassart discusses resilience and healthy coping mechanisms for both addicts and betrayed partners. He and Tami then answer participant questions about handling triggers, understanding big emotions, and addressing supercharged manifestations of shame.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:10] Resilience and healthy coping mechanisms for everyone. [3:16] 5 practices to build resilience, from happiness to obstacle immunity and staying present. [11:20] Tools that can help with building resilience. [15:30] The 3-second rule for sex addicts. [19:30] The key difference between happy people and the rest of us. [28:50] Handling triggers like kindergarteners handle fire drills. [35:00] Understanding the emotions beneath the anger. [44:01] Blaming others is the easiest form of denial. [48:32] Manifestations of shame. [54:00] Good things can happen if you're willing to do the work. [55:39] How can I address my supercharged emotions? [1:00:41] Stop problematic behavior, then address the underlying issues.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES ● "Resilience is not a tool we are born with, it's a skill we can learn." ● "Of all the tools I've given you, gratitude is the most powerful." ● "Healthy coping skills and resiliency are inextricably linked." ● "Practice using these tools when you're safe, use them when you're not." ● "Big emotions rarely address the underlying emotion."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about cheating, betrayal, sex and more. They address recovery, disclosure, and setting healthy boundaries throughout the recovery process, and offer a realistic timeline for partners to move from betrayal to intimacy and healing.   TAKEAWAYS: [:30] My wife is using my body for sex. Is this just a libido mismatch? [9:30] Setting boundaries after hearing sex threats. [12:09] My partner and I are doing everything right. When will the next chapter start? [18:15] A little about Dr. Rob's books and his editor Scott. [22:30] Is formal disclosure really necessary? [25:51] How do we navigate the balance between romantic and sexual connection with the need for space and individual healing? [28:18] Distinguishing between sexual entitlement and the need for validation. [34:20] How does ADHD impact betrayal and recovery? [37:08] My husband doesn't want to label himself as a sex addict. Now what? [45:37] How can I forgive and move on for my child while still navigating grief?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES ● "There is no difference between a sex addict and someone who uses sex to self-regulate." ● "In recovery, you're learning to live life on a completely different plane than you did before." ● "If you want to learn and keep moving forward, you will." ● "You cannot make your partner do anything they don't want to do." ● "Forgiveness is something I do for myself."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dan Drake, Matthew Raabsmith, and Joanna Raabsmith present "Building True Intimacy: A Roadmap to Relational Restoration After Sexual Betrayal." Together they consider how couples can effectively and efficiently move from betrayal and discovery to healing and connection, based on their book Building True Intimacy. They then answer participant questions about recovery, disclosure, and lasting healing.   TAKEAWAYS: [:30] Introducing Dan Drake, Matthew Raabsmith and Joanna Raabsmith. [3:23] How do couples heal after betrayal and disclosure? [5:30] Five key components to restoring intimacy, starting with awareness, authenticity and assertiveness. [9:16] The power of a foundation of honesty and safety. [17:32] Regulation and relational safety must be prioritized by the betrayer. [20:30] Stepping into trust and commitment following betrayed. [27:13] The value of inviting trusted people into your healing journey. [31:10] The hallmarks of empathy and vulnerability. [35:10] Creating community with other betrayed couples. [36:28] Reintroducing intimacy after betrayal. [44:55] When does a couple start to feel like they are on the same team? [49:24] The V.A.S.E. framework. [51:30] How can the betrayed partner move toward trust after regression? [56:08] My partner wants to move along without rebuilding. How can we heal? [58:48] Can we successfully recover without disclosure or restoration?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.   QUOTES ● "Am I aware of the direction I'm heading based on the choices I'm making every day in my life?" ● "When I say my values are one thing and I live my life in a different way, I am not showing up authentically." ● "If we don't have a foundation of honesty, we don't have anything to build on." ● "The ability to be present will move us back into the partnership phase of the next level of healing." ● "You have to have vulnerability if you're going to rebuild intimacy in a relationship." ● "What kind of recovery do you want in your life whether or not your marriage makes it?"

Licensed marriage and family therapist Kristin Snowden discusses carried shame and the danger of absorbing a betraying partner's shame-filled life. She offers hope and tools for resiliency so that a betrayed partner can move through their own healing and get their lives and self-worth back again. She and Tami then answer participant questions about shame, addiction, and healing.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] Understanding the terms associated with trauma healing, addiction recovery, and carried shame.  [4:37] The importance of knowing your own shame stories.  [5:20] Defining carried shame in a betrayed partner.  [9:36] Every human being experiences shame and guilt.  [14:27] Why do we experience shame?  [18:04] The role of shame in the addiction cycle. [20:30] The 4 basic shame-filled stories that addicts operate out of.  [26:35] How does carried shame occur?  [38:48] How does carried shame manifest in the betrayed partner?  [39:35] How can carried shame be healed?  [46:19] D-Day was yesterday. What's next?  [48:03] How can I prepare for disclosure as a betrayed partner?  [51:43] How can my wife live with an addict like me?  [57:35] Why is my partner so incredibly defensive and derogatory toward me? [1:00:00] How can I accept the fact that I may be in a carried shame relationship?      RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "As part of your healing journey, it's necessary that you really get to know what your shame stories are."  "Shame has good intentions, but it only drenches you with a painful experience."  "Shame is a powerful, contagious emotion."  "Shame lives in the non-language part of your brain. The more you talk about it, the more you can recognize distorted thinking around it."  "Shame does not get sorted out in an isolated way." 

Angela Spearman, CSAT describes "globalized mistrust" as the tsunami of impact on betrayed partners after discovery. But what are the core thoughts and fears underlying and maintaining that tsunami once it gets going?  Together with Tami she addresses strategies for dealing with uncertainty, then answers participant questions about betrayal, boundaries, and triggers and more.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:09] The catalyst for the existential experience and global mistrust.  [5:20] Common questions from the betrayed partner (and what they really mean).  [7:27] Reshaping existential questions to encourage healing.  [11:10] The negative impact of rigid thinking.  [17:45] Complex and overwhelming realities in the world.  [21:00] Flexible thinking as a strategy for hope against cynicism.  [25:32] 3-step strategy for dealing with uncertainty.  [32:17] Processing the things you can't control.  [36:40] I'm spiraling through my shame and I can't support my wife either. Now what?  [42:18] How can I convey my boundaries to my partner?  [47:16] Why did my husband act out in the first place? [51:26] How can I support my betrayed partner when she no longer wants my support?  [53:29] How do I navigate communication issues due to trauma?  [55:47] Why would I ever rebuild a relationship with someone so despicable?  [59:03] Is my recovery work creating more triggers?  [1:01:08] How does one get the betrayer to stop playing the victim?  [1:04:01] How can I move past feelings of injustice of stolen time and feeling used? [1:06:28] How do I protect myself from being reinjured until I decide whether to leave?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "In any type of crisis that you go through, you're going to start asking some of these existential questions."  "We start with a fact and then start forming beliefs and expectations based on things we've experienced in the past."  "When we stop and pay attention to what our thoughts really look like, it can help us feel more empowered."  "Hope is energizing. It empowers you."  "There may never be a good enough answer."   

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions about sex, cheating, intimacy, betrayal and more. They explore chronic lying, the power of mindset, the difference between firm boundaries and abuse, and more of the common but painful issues that betrayed partners face.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] I don't want my betraying partner to touch me. How can I show empathy?  [5:42] How can I address our lack of emotional and physical intimacy?  [12:08] Is separation the right next step in recovery?  [13:19] EMDR and somatic experience techniques as tools for moving past trauma.  [18:11] Recovery work is essential in healing.  [21:56] My partner is physically present but emotionally checked out of recovery. [30:20] Choosing a different path in the recovery process.  [33:16] What is the difference between being firm and being abusive?  [42:22] My partner's lying addiction is worse than his porn addiction. What treatment plan is available for lying?  [46:37] How can I ask my partner about her recovery healing path when she won't open up to me?  [50:05] What is the goal of separation?  [52:00] How can I change my mindset about my slow recovery?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "You might get validation wrong, but doing nothing makes it worse than trying something and not doing it perfectly."  "You can't work on trauma when you're still acting out."  "Are you more focused on your pain or your healing?"  "The recovery battle has more to do with the choices you're making than the things that happened to you."  "People who are committed to the recovery process are willing to do whatever it takes to be on a different path."  "You don't have to be hit to be profoundly abused."  "You cannot remain a liar and be in active recovery." 

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Seeking Integrity Clinical Director Erin Snow and Tami consider the reasons that a betraying partner may refuse to admit their shame, whether it's worth waiting a few more days to see if a partner is going to start respecting boundaries, and how to respond to a partner's enmeshment, lying, and childhood trauma.    TAKEAWAYS: [:30] How can we get the recovery support we need two years after disclosure?  [6:19] What is too soon for couples therapy?  [9:30] Why does my partner always walk in front of me?  [13:43] Should I wait 30 more days for my betrayer to start respecting my boundaries? [19:24] Why are so many sex addicts enmeshed with a parent?  [23:35] My therapist can't believe I want to stay with my partner. Now what?  [31:38] How can I hold space for my partner's wounds and trauma? [38:03] How do I handle my partner's incomplete information about his betrayal? [45:35] How can I understand my partner's childhood trauma and patterns of withdrawal? [49:36] Why can't my partner stop lovebombing me?  [53:50] My partner is a sex and love addict, what does limerance mean?  [57:10] "I don't hate myself" – does my partner feel any shame?   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "When both partners are stabilized in their own healing journeys, couples therapy is that much more effective."  "Your partner just wants to walk next to you in life."  "Are the actions you're taking allowing me to move closer to you or forcing me to move further away from you?" "Choosing to stay in a relationship or choosing to go is something that only you deal with every day."  "Addiction doesn't thrive in honesty. It has to thrive in lying."