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“What are you acting all crazy for?”The Nicolas-athon Cage-athon continues with our first Werner Herzog joint, The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans: Can We Possibly Fit Any More Colons into This Title? Topics discussed include the Millenium Films catalog, the film-ness of this film, Herzog’s career, breaking the 180-degree rule, Terence’s “save the cat” moment, a fine Goodfellas comparison, the reptile hallucinations, the weirdness that makes this different from a usual crime story, symbolism of reptiles in depictions of drug use, fish associated with goodness and purity, Terence’s moral lines, the disturbing nature of the club parking lot scene, comparison with Snake Eyes and commentary on happy endings and redemption, Pruit as a force of evil, making us feel bad about identifying with a bad guy, the viral scene of his confrontation in the care facility, a brief explanation of points in betting, the first Bad Lieutenant, sightings of General Zod and Fairuza Balk, Armand as a good cop, some New Orleans chat, a bit on Mary Sues, dancing souls, the questions posed by film, and getting crunchitized by the captain.

“I cried throughout the entire thing. It made me want to be a better man.”  We’re at the end of an era, folks. The Nicolas Cage season of Because You Watched Starcrash draws to a close with our obligatory holiday movie and a spectacular piece of metafiction. Your Distinguished Professors and salute the man of the hour. Topics discussed include our latest accompanying whiskey, yet another manifestation of the Magical Negro, movies that get dads to cry, Cash’s alignment is called into question, nostalgia for pre-9/11 airport security, the apparent intense bone-ability of Jack, the lack of clear thinking at the airport, Téa Leoni’s shower scene, the relative lack of crazy-Cage in FM, comparison with The Good Place (with light spoilers), Jack’s life is actually pretty good prior to the glimpse, speculation about the dimensional or time-travel issues involved with the glimpse, Cage’s bad Boston accent, Nicky’s outfit and hairstyle as a callback to Cage’s infamous 1990 talk show appearance, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, some obligatory ribbing of M. Night Shyamalan, a nihilistic callback to Pig, speculation about drinking a beer underwater, parallel with Ex Machina, amazing Cage/ Pascal chemistry, Cage making out with Nicky, our three favorite movies, always trusting our shamanic instincts as thespians, the cruel end of the glimpse, the absurdity of being “trapped” in marriage to a Hollywood actress, parallels between FM and a Hallmark movie, a bleak interpretation of the end of FM, a quick PKD reference, being haunted by a lost alternate past, not one but TWO Nick Cage Queries, and our future date with Paddington 2.

Vampire’s Kiss (1988)  “You’re in the goddamn crapper, Loew, and I’m trying to take a dump. So either shut up and leave the acting lessons for home or go back to the ladies’ room.” Is it a deft American Psycho-level satire, a taut supernatural or psychological thriller, or insane, ridiculous crap? That’s the question facing our Distinguished Professors as they discuss the 1988 Nicolas Cage meme-fest Vampire’s Kiss.  Let’s see if they find an answer. Topics discussed include gratuitous displays of alphabet-yelling, Cage’s love for this movie and role, Loew as a Renfield, a plug for proper hydration, the mystery of the imaginary (?) psychiatrist, Renfield’s a bug-eating simp, a plan for the holiday special that we don’t follow, a digression into the literary origins of vampires, late-80s hair and fashion, musing on whether Cage’s antics fit this movie, the role of ambiguity here, parallels with Joker, Loew’s awful Philadelphian accent, weird camera shots, the fake dialogue with Jackie on the way back to Loew’s apartment, Loew’s gradual descent into madness and how this movie takes its time, Alva as the center of both the movie’s corporate satire and its cruelty, the ambiguity of the murder, weird comedic moments, a possible fourth wall break, the roach-eating scene, Nosferatu playing in the background, the violent mimes and veering into the territory of the art film, Loew’s façade of culture, vampire practice, “BOO HOO!”-ing, Cage’s physical acting, a cheap postcard to New York, Loew’s prior scumbag behavior, and the state of contemporary art in the 1980s. Plus, look: soup!

“Where’s Conan when you need him?” The distinguished professors discuss Jim Wynorski’s The Lost Empire and continue to do this profit-turning genius appropriate homage. Topics include trying to figure out what genre this film fits into, comparison with Fu Manchu, its Producers-like origins, self-aware dumbness and sexploitation, connections with Russ Meyer, Elvira-level wordplay, video game structure, 80s action movie racism, the movie’s clarity of plot, Anthony Kiedis’s dad, Wynorski’s open sleaziness, the insanity of the prison fight, the shampoo commercial-style hair flip, Rick as a Chuck Norris parody, Corman and women’s prisons, the Wynorski documentary Popatopolis, and the importance of eyebrow grooming when you’re a brutal henchman. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Ho-Ho-Hallmark Holiday Special A Christmas Wedding Tail (2011), A Christmas Melody (2015), and Christmas Mail (2010)  “Don’t worry, I’m a city girl. This small town is not for me.”  Welcome to our 2023 Holiday Special, in which your three Distinguished Professors move from the big city to a small town and find love in only the most formulaic of ways! We invite our podcast’s first special guest, Jackie, to experience this holiday Hallmark (and faux-Hallmark) hell with us. Topics covered include multiple false starts, the lack of conflict and deceit in the classic Hallmark movie, the general definition of a Hallmark movie, a quick mention of Santa’s Summer Home, the amazing whiteness of the couples involved and moments of casual racism, a defense of the dog voice-acting, a bit of research about MOMA and MOCA, bitchy antagonists, the foolishness of getting married over a major Christian holiday, desperately searching for a conflict and a dog love story (and dignity for the annoying musician pal) in ACWT, the weird platonic gal pal singer in ACM, death as the new divorce, the actual conflict and lack of cinematography in CM, a quick comparison of the auteur directorial work of Mariah Carey and William Shatner, the increasing diversity of these movies over time, the superior soundtrack of ACM, Lacey Chabert and some Party of Five talk, Folgers product placement, May-December shenanigans, a stolen joke about Peter North, comparison of CM and Elf, picks for next year’s Christmas Special, Mariah Carey’s weird-looking hands, some fine double entendre, CM as a bought-on-Wish version of a Hallmark movie, the role of wish fulfillment and predictability in these movies, trickery on behalf of supernatural or mundane forces, emotionally-scarring animal films, the definition of a groupie, manipulative children, Lacey Chabert’s odd resemblance to public groping enthusiast Lauren Boebert, the specter of dead parents, the grimmer specter of failure, reflection on what makes a good formulaic movie, the living hell of the looming threat of the ACWT family honeymoon, the 10/3 ratio, a standing invitation to Jay Mohr, and keeping it Hallmark.

Willy's Wonderland (2021) - Because You Watched Starcrash

“I had a miserable time tonight because of you.” It’s our first Francis Ford Coppola joint on Because You Watched Starcrash! And Kathleen Turner! Oh, and some other guy who was once named Coppola is in it, too. Your Distinguished Professors watched an early entry in the Nicholas Cage-verse, Peggy Sue Got Married, and now you’re going to hear about it! Topic discussed include Madonna’s g******s, the right level of weird vs. Nicholas Cage-levels of weird, Charlie’s insane appearance at the class reunion, a brief comparison with Somewhere in Time, the transition point from the 50s to the 60s and yet another appearance of David Sirota’s Back to Our Future, the inevitable contrast with Back to the Future, Charlie’s lack of transformation or growth, a brief discussion of the Ordo Templi Orientis and the Oddfellows, John Carradine’s last movie, what we’d do if we could go back in time knowing what we know now, the appeal of the 1950s for white and middle- to upper-class folks, the fine soundtrack, more casual 1980s anti-Asian racism, Michael’s book’s dedication as the only evidence this isn’t a dream, the Cage vs. Turner libel lawsuit, Charlie’s near-murder of Peggy Sue, Charlie as the worst of the 1950s and the worst of the 1980s, lots of subtlety, a brief moment of praise for Sofia Coppola, the role of wish fulfillment here, Michael as the flawed critique of the 1950s, the deep mystery of the grandparents, Peggy Sue’s change of perception, Jim Carey as a force for sanity and normalcy in comparison, and a debate about whether this is a “movie” or a “film.” Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

“This is a story whose chapters were carefully written.” In their ongoing exploration of the filmography of one Nicolas “Jor-El” Cage, the Distinguished Professors have watched the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man, which has 100% less depth and 1000% fewer boobs (don’t check my math) than the original. Topics covered include the intense dumbness of the conspiracy to trap our hero, the clunkiness of the dialogue, the universal dour evil of women in this movie universe, ACAB (All Cops Are Bumblers), the Safety Dance, misogyny and the awful addition of gender conflict to this movie, the “dark comedy” issue, multiple JJ Abrams references, the necessity for some people to get their stupid asses stung to death by bees, the uncertain origin of elbow patches, the cinematic creepiness of twins, Don Quixote references, the on-the-nose William Blake quote, the insistence on the omnipresence of misanthropy in a work of misogyny, Willow’s unclear motivation, a quick shout-out to Robert Evans and Behind the Bastards regarding Ellen Burstyn’s mistreatment on the set of The Exorcist, the intense pointlessness of watching the PG-13 cut of this movie, the Children of God and “flirty fishing,” and the final middle finger of dedicating this crap to Johnny Ramone. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Ho-Ho-Holiday Special III – GI Joe: A Real American HeroEpisode 1:39, “Cobra Claws are Coming to Town” (1985) and He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985) “Well, I don’t like to feel good. I like to feel EVIL!” Your Distinguished Professors have prepared quite the holiday treat – we’re going back to 1985 with two ridiculously bad extended yuletide toy commercials! Topics discussed include constant Skeletor impersonations, our sense of nostalgia takes a punch to the gut, the weirdness of Horde Prime and the idea that both Hordak and Skeletor are just middle managers, Adora and Adam are Jesus, Jesus conveniently edited out of the Christmas tale, the terrible character design of the Monstroids and Manchines, clear competitive pressure from Transformers, the Beast Monster and the Snow Beast, the omission of Cringer/ Battle Cat, the absurdity of Adam’s voice, our attempts to explain Christmas to aliens, Adora’s fascist past, a quick reference to The Toys That Made Us, Filmation and Sunbow, the fascination with transformation sequences, Orko is a kidnapper, naked time travel, the creepiness of Adora and Adam’s relationship, Tom of Finland and Fisto, Hordak’s flying sex toy, skeletons are only real when they are inside of us and the innate scariness of a skull face, another flagrant violation of the prime directive, Shipwreck’s eventual transformation into Shore Leave of The Venture Bros., Shipwreck’s parrot is his top, Destro’s lame shrink/ growth ray, Destro’s status as an arms-designing mercenary, Cobra Commander’s mask change part way through the episode, the innate weirdness of 1980s kids’ toy franchises, Duke asserts his manliness, double bagging is a bad idea, the amazingly low stakes of GI Joe, the ”porkchop sandwiches” parody of GI Joe’s public service announcements, and our Joe code names and specialties. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Back to the Future(1985), Back to the Future Part II (1989), and Back to the Future Part III (1990) “What are you looking at, Butthead?” In an amazing finale, your time-traveling Distinguished Professors end their journey with the Back to the Future trilogy! Topics discussed include Back to the Future’s enduring excellence, the issues with the sequels, Part II’s surprisingly weak visual effects (other than the various duplicate actor shots), the Jaws jokes in Part II, Goldie Wilson and Chuck Berry as time-travel causality conundrums, Part I as the perfect script, yet another discussion of David Sirota’s Back to Our Future and the 1980s’ pop culture connection back to the 1950s, a weird quiz for Clink, the removal of Crispin Glover, runaway product placement, perceptions of time travel shown in the movies, dark theories regarding multiple dead Martys, a bit about how the DeLorean time travels, the badassery of James Tolkan, Mary Steenburgen as the eternal time traveling weirdo’s girlfriend, Pat Buttram’s brief appearance, Marty’s darling atomic cowboy outfit and an unexpected criticism of 1950s nostalgia for the Old West, Marty’s ancestor is boning his mom’s ancestor (?!), a shoutout to the Wizard and the Bruiser podcast and Marty’s “chicken” hubris, future Biff is disturbingly Trump-y, Flea’s cameo, Doc would fail Temporal Ethics at Starfleet Academy, our impending date with Howard the Duck, the weird choice of ZZ Top to be the soundtrack pop song anchor for Part III, the great Alan Silvestri score, a callback to Action Replayy, incest comes up yet again, the two tension-building clocks in Part I and the color-coded logs in Part III, the radically different landscape for Part III, our ideal retrofutures, a gold star for Marty for not murdering Mad Dog Tannen, and making like a tree and getting out of here. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

“And if anything happens to the rose plants in my absence, then I will send you to hell.” This week your Distinguished Professors take their first trip to Bollywood with the Back to the Future ripoff/ homage Action Replayy! Singing! Dancing! Subtitles! A super-hot mom! Topics discussed include even worse grammar for our opening, lowering. . . our voices, musical numbers and their diegetic role in Indian movies, weird credits, we’re always living in the past, time travel here is pretty much magic, plenty of misogyny, lots of blending of genres and tones, Supergirl with dance numbers, the A-list cast, Kundan is our Biff, the cuckolding of Kishen, a brief aside about Leto’s Joker’s suckiness, Bunty’s nerd shirts, Mala’s friend Mona and her weird pseudo-cougaring with Bunty, the video-ready first dance sequence, a Cyrano/ Roxannecomparison, Bunty gets the coveted “Good Job on Avoiding Incest” award, the ridiculous car chase scene, cheating is good (?), bribery is good (?), Bunty is bad at subterfuge, and a long digression into the concept of ostension. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

“Thou art to be hanged, and then burned over a basket of living cats.” Your Distinguished Witchhunting Professors cross wits with the insane occult time travel movie Warlock! And since no witch can cross no consecrated ground, they discuss the first of our magical time travel movies and a reference to Outlander, the dreaminess of Julian Sands, Lori Singer as the resident hot new wave girlfriend, comparisons with Hocus Pocus, the crazy fakelore of this movie, inconsistent rules regarding Zamiel and time travel, a Laverne and Shirley reference, a need for opening context, a riff on JJ Abrams (come on our show, coward!”), Richard E. Grant’s weird youngness, a quick preview of our exploration of Nicolaus Cage movies, this movie’s weird conservatism regarding who dies, the conundrum of a popular metaphysical comic book shop, Redferne’s made-up grammar and his weirdness even in 1691, a divergence into Brandon Call’s career, Jesus and the twelve apostrophes, lots of double negatives, Satan’s black hell-smeared farting hole, the problem of undoing all creation, the perils of old women makeup, Ron Paulsen’s distinct voice, the sequels and the comic book series, a variety of historical errors, a public service announcement that colors don’t have genders, the Warlock copycat murder, the weird romantic subplot, the omnipresent human drive to bury terrible evils, the stankiness of Redferne’s outfit, the hell of terrible lighting, and the coming Bollywood craziness of Action Replayy! Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

“You don’t need a stretcher up there – you need a mop!” Just in time for the very most spookiest part of the year, your favorite Distinguished Professors discuss the films that established the slasher movie genre – Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street – in their offensively-named named Goryhole Special! Topics covered include Psycho’s origination of the slasher genre, Halloween’s great main theme, Robert Englund’s thinly-disguised role as folklorist Jan Harold Brunvand in Urban Legend, our brief windows of attractiveness, the anti-sex message of these movies and whether they actually discourage people from having sex, a brief digression into Defoe’s Moll Flanders, the disappointing lack of boobs in these movies, the lack of story and decent red herrings in Friday the 13th, Crazy Ralph and the “death curse,” why you don’t pet or talk to random dogs, the cruel disappointment of not getting to see Ned get killed, a brief ode to jorts and neckerchiefs, the utter lack of non-white folks, why you can’t think too hard about plot for any of these movies, the various murder tableaus as art, why you need to Negan every psycho killer every opportunity you get, a reference to Vangelis (RIP), Freddy as the superior slasher and is your boyfriend now, the problem of shooting California for Illinois, the uncanniness of the lonely suburb, a quick flashback to Pumaman, Friday the 13th’s portrayal of the fifties, lucid dreaming is the key to beating Freddy, don’t bone your TV, some slander of John Saxon’s character as a dad, Hmong deaths from sleep paralysis as an inspiration for Wes Craven, a rumination on the nature of sweet dreams, the barrier to enjoying Freddy imposed by his status as a pedophile and child murderer, hilarious mantraps, lighting film vs. digital, Vanderpool’s plans for a horror movie, and a lesson about the monsters to whom we give too much attention.

“My mother was a rather atrocious woman in her way, but her many failings did not include raising mentally deficient sons.” Your intrepid Distinguished Professors unwittingly fall once again into the horrid clutches of Corey Feldman in 1979’s Time After Time, featuring a sexy and villainous David Warner and a decidedly less sexy role for ordinarily sexy and villainous Malcolm McDowell as highly unsexy author H. G. Wells. Topics discussed include a preview of this movie’s random homophobia, the worst kissing ever, the inherent ridiculousness of time machine designs, a plug for our upcoming Back to the Future episode, really bad time travel effects, the dumbness of putting a solar-powered time machine in the basement, Chekov’s “vaporizer equalizer” and pointlessly complicated time travel rules, dystopian 1970s San Francisco, echoes of Star Trek IV (because the director was a co-writer on said Trek movie), the unquenchable fire of Mary Steenburgen’s Amy’s loins regarding the H. G. D., whether one can “Chuck Berry” oneself by hearing about one’s future works, possible influence on Alan Moore’s From Hell, the need for a leaner cut, clocks and watches as the constant reminder that we’re watching a time travel movie, the recurrence of the idea of free love, Jack the Ripper as a man of the 20th century, the 2017 series of the same name, the need for more camera time with the Ripper on his own, Amy’s likely inability to survive in the past, the need for a Temporal Ethics 101 for most of the movies in this season, and a reminder of how much you matter, dear listener. .

“Big mistake, dude!” Your Distinguished Professors tackle a movie that temporarily killed a franchise and that isn’t X-Men 3! We suffered through the joyless simulation of a movie that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, so now you have to listen to us chat about it! It’s only fair! Topics discussed include the confusing proliferation of TMNT media, a plug for The Toys That Made Us, Corey Feldman’s hacky voice acting, an interminable attempt to project our group dynamic onto the turtles, the bad targeting of the jokes for the adults, the degeneration of the turtle effects and Splinter’s loss of his lower torso, the time swap plot, interspecies turtle lust for April O’Neil, magical time travel finally makes its appearance, Leonardo’s Cyclops-like uselessness, endless attempts to try to figure out how racist this movie is, our intervention regarding Vanderpool’s habit of falling asleep in movies, the unresolved mystery of the drawings of the turtles from the past, a digression into kappa, the ubiquitous ‘80s desire to become a ninja, arguably the worst 90s villain falling death, and Clink’s insane double Michelangelo mask moment which dominates the podcast. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/