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What are the things you wish someone told you about being in a long term relationship that absolutely killed your last relationship? Maybe you’re in a new relationship now, and you want to know how to set your relationship up for success to make it last for years and years to come. Although we can agree humans are naturally social creatures, it is damn hard being in a relationship for years with the same person. Personalities change, arguments fester longer than they should, and your partner’s quirky ways that were once cute are suddenly making the hair on your neck stand. Intimacy is hard. Communication gets even harder (probably because most of us suck at it), and yet, there are successful relationships and marriages that inspire us and restore our faith in the possibility of a shared life experience that can be beautiful. Tom and Lisa’s relationship is far from perfection and yet so close relative to who they have grown into as individuals and as life partners. In this episode, get out your notepad or open up your note taking app. The lessons and thoughts they share about their successes and failures through 20 years together are worth holding onto. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: 0:00 | Introduction to Finding the Perfect Relationship 0:59 | 3 Surprises of a Long Term Relationship 20:26 | Choose Your Partner Wisely 33:02 | Solution to Mismatched Sex Drive 1:03:20 | Get the Right Amount of Texting 1:14:47 | Don’t Let Fights Go Unresolved 1:37:40 | Address Your Own Insecurities 1:46:20 | Value a Growth Mindset Together QUOTES: “It is 100% important to be selfish, in the sense of taking care of yourself, what makes you happy, so that you can show up to be happy in that relationship.” Lisa Bilyeu [3:49] “When you're arguing you're almost never arguing about the thing you're arguing about, you're actually arguing about something else.” Tom Bilyeu [8:37] “Let go of all expectations and have a couple of really strong ones that you never let go of.” Lisa Bilyeu [16:42] “From the beginning, I think you have to establish communication with your partner, even when you have to say the hard things..” Lisa Bilyeu [29:07] “If you're in a committed loving relationship and you're not thinking about what your partner wants, that is, that is a horsemen of the apocalypse…” Tom Bilyeu [40:06] “I'm never going to feel bad asking for sex, and you should never ever feel bad for saying no, and as long as you never make me feel guilty for asking, I'm certainly not going to make you feel guilty for saying no.” Tom Bilyeu [59:05] “You're never going to deal with something in a calm, rational, compassionate, loving way, and be like, I really wish that I just f*****g freaked out.” Tom Bilyeu [1:19:26] “There's a really beautiful surprise that can happen when your goal is sincerely to open the channel of communication.” Tom Bilyeu [1:48:10]

At the beginning of the relationship, it’s so effortless to be in each other’s presence. Thanks to nature and biology, the hormones that flood our systems makes being in love the most magical experience in the world. There’s never enough time together and you can’t keep your hands off each other. Keeping that level of focus and attention on each other and the relationship as you progress through stages and settle together takes a lot of effort and skill (to do it well). Tom and Lisa are dedicated to one another and super excited to help other couples build a beautiful relationship. Today, that means getting strategic and intentional about the time you’re giving to your relationship. Forget about how busy your days are, and forget about all the valid reasons you have to work later, focus on the kids, and help your family. Building a beautiful relationship means prioritizing time for intimacy, time for each other and time for connection. Consistently! Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Time for Intimacy | Couples can be as busy and Tom & Lisa and still prioritize intimacy [0:25] Keep the Sex Game Strong | Lisa highlights what you wear and the language you use [1:19] Schedule What’s Important | Don’t wait for impromptu moments, schedule time together [5:39] Be Focused on Each Other | Tom shares how he separates & values time for connection [7:28] Feeling Disconnected | How Lisa navigates feeling disconnected and reconnecting [10:17] QUOTES: “The more [time] you spend not connecting, the harder it is to come back.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:06] “This is work, and this is husband and wife. I don't try to mix the two or do a little bit of both at the same time.” Tom Bilyeu [8:16] “I work an obscene amount of hours, but I don't let that bleed into our time.” Tom Bilyeu [10:11]

Dealing with your partner’s insecurities in the relationship gets very challenging. Because they are often triggered by something internal the work needs to come mainly from your partner. When you are committed and down for the long-term relationship, you realize that dealing with your own insecurities is more effective in creating and maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. Tom and Lisa share how Tom was able to recognize and address one of his own insecurities early in the relationship. It may be a surprise but at the root of your insecurity and your partner’s insecurity is a challenge to your identity and personal values. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Free Your Insecurities | Tom shares how he handled his insecurities at the beginning [2:01] Identity Change | What you tie identity to in the relationship matters for your insecurities [7:11] QUOTES: “What set me free to deal with my insecurities was recognizing that I could get better.” To Bilyeu [2:12] “The real goal is to be desirous of a partner who is equally as powerful as you are.” Tom Bilyeu [6:40]

Have you experienced relationships centered around physical attraction? Relationships can fall apart for dozens of reasons, and physical attraction and sex appeal are definitely one of the major reasons. The truth is, we are all having a biological experience as Tom puts it, and in order to have a long lasting relationship,you have to understand human nature. Luckily, there is no pressure or obligation to agree or disagree with it, but as human beings there are natural tendencies we are biologically wired for. Tom and Lisa have a raw conversation about the nature of men and women’s attraction to one another and what we can learn to value to overcome our biological impulses. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Nature of Attraction | Tom shares how important beauty is in a relationship [0:45] What to Value | Lisa and Tom on insecurities and choosing what to value in yourself [7:59] Losing Attraction | Tom breaks down the pain for men being viewed as harmless [10:31] QUOTES: “In life, you go through phases, enjoy every phase for what it has to offer.” Tom Bilyeu [5:29] “I recognize the danger in valuing my beauty or my physique or how I look [...] I'm not attached to that and I'm not feeling insecure about it.” Lisa Bilyeu [12:50]

Sexual pleasure between you and your partner is a must for a healthy relationship to thrive. When it comes to pleasing each other are you 100% sure you know how to satisfy your partner and are you giving each other the opportunity to explore (or at least discuss) your most intimate kinky little twists. How comfortable are you telling your partner about your sexual fantasies? Is fear of being judged or dismissed holding you back from sharing? If you were to share and your partner expressed excitement in helping you fulfill that fantasy would it be worth sharing? Talking about sex is rarely a casual or comfortable topic, but Tom and Lisa take away the shame and mystery and share reasons why you may want to have a talk with your significant other before the lights go out tonight. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Tell Him What You Want | Tom shares why men are eager to hear women’s sexual wants [0:49] Embarrassed & Insecure | Lisa’s experience being too embarrassed to talk about sex [5:41] Testing the Waters | How to build trust and experiment to see if you feel safe for more [8:19] Just Ask Her | Tom and Lisa reveal how to approach asking questions without judgement [12:30] QUOTES: “It didn't even dawn on me, I could have equal pleasure [...] that is one of the most vulnerable things. It's actually more vulnerable than just having sex.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:14] “How much can I trust you as my partner with things about myself? And so I actually wouldn't start with sex, I would start with other little things about me.” Lisa Bilyeu [8:24] “If you don't make me feel bad about asking, I won't make you feel bad about saying no…” Tom Bilyeu [13:56]

Having trust for others is never easy once you’ve been hurt, and yet is it a must for any relationship to thrive. How do you determine for yourself if you can trust your partner? Tom and Lisa discuss the most effective ways you can begin building trust with your partner and why trust with yourself is the key. “Trust is the only thing that can help relationships last a lifetime!” -Mohith Agadi Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Trust Yourself | Tom explains trusting yourself and reading vibes to determine trust [0:43] Listen to Your Gut | How to mark your gut instincts and see how things play out [3:18] Follow the Vibe | How Tom explores weird vibes and discards misreadings when needed [7:00] Ask Questions | Lisa and Tom discuss how to proceed with questions and getting better [10:57] QUOTES: “I wouldn’t be silent, if something made me feel uneasy. If it made me feel uneasy, I wouldn’t engage.” Tom Bilyeu [2:15] “You have to understand that intuition is trained, and that it becomes intuition once you’ve run enough cycles that you can do it subconsciously.” Tom Bilyeu [9:29]

What should you do when there is a collision of habits between you and your partner? One likes to get the day started early while the other gets rolling at night. Can you have a healthy and happy relationship when your routines collide with one another? Tom and Lisa address ways to keep your relationship at peace without causing each other absolute misery. Showing each appreciation of what you both do without turning anything into an expectation is necessary. Tom and Lisa reveal their secret communication tips to help you survive each other’s crazy habits. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Daily Routine | How to adapt and compromise with each other’s daily routine [0:23] Meaningful Habits | Ways to have your partner do meaningful things on a regular [3:44] Signaling Habits | Lisa on ways to communicate through habitual signals you both know [6:02] Messy Habits | When your habits don’t align and one is messy the other is clean [7:34] Being Disrespectful | Tom on how to not agree peacefully without forcing values [10:48] QUOTES: “We have to say, we can't agree on this. I don't need you to adopt my values. But don't make your values my problem either.” Tom Bilyeu [11:27]

If you’re in a long-term relationship or in the beginning of one, it’s important to know that your sex life together will ebb and flow. With time couples often struggle with sexual intimacy for a number of reasons. I could be boredom or changing sex drives in one or both partners that makes sexual connection and satisfaction more difficult. Tom and Lisa open this conversation addressing the reality of mismatched sex drives, the biology and human experience that contributes to those changes, and dive into ways couples can communicate and support each other through loss of intimacy and sexual satisfaction so that no one is feeling rejected or alienated/ Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Mismatched Sex Drive | How to accommodate each other and not feel badly about it [0:35] Changing Sex Drives | Tips for navigating changing sex drive with time in a relationship [9:55] Satisfaction Level | Understanding what it takes to satisfy each other and compromise [15:23] Talking Porn | Lisa shares about watching porn, having no secrets, and no judgment [18:37] No Judgment | Open space and judgment free zone for wanting sex and not wanting it [21:09] Sexual Compatibility | Compatibility of sex, values, and trust for serious relationships [25:22] Sex Drought | Lisa and Tom share different sides of a sexless time in their marriage [29:45] QUOTES: “Where a lot of the friction comes from is feeling like, either side is doing something wrong or doing something to hurt you” Tom Bilyeu [2:34] “How do we both get what we want? And that's the thing, we're always looking to compromise.” Lisa Bilyeu [6:55] “If you're in a committed loving relationship, and you're not thinking about what your partner wants, that is a horsemen of the apocalypse” Tom Bilyeu [7:37] “The thing that we settled on is, I'm never going to be afraid to ask for sex. And you should never be afraid to say no.” Tom Bilyeu [21:44] “The thing that we settled on is, I'm never going to be afraid to ask for sex. And you should never be afraid to say no.” Tom Bilyeu [21:44] “If you're having sex in order for them to value you, that's obviously a disaster waiting to happen. So just really thinking through what the reason is of why you want to have sex with them, and then just own the reason.” Lisa Bilyeu [27:41]

There are both physical and psychological benefits to having a healthy sexual relationship. Better immune system, lower blood pressure, better sleep, less stress, and increased intimacy and connection with your partner are just a few of the benefits a healthy sex life offers. Making sure that both you and your partner are satisfied takes a bit of skill with communication, but Tom and Lisa are sharing their best tips for how you can make that happen. Having a high functioning sex life is a must for any long term relationship. It takes intention and much effort, and has many rewards. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Sex First | Why settling with your first sexual partner may not be the best move long term [0:31] Compatibility | Not being compatible sexually can destroy your romantic relationship [4:55] Communication | Tom and Lisa demonstrate why words matter for connection & intimacy [7:45] Quality Sex Life | Feeling loved, sexy, and safe are parts of a quality sex life to aim for [12:00] Make Time for Sex | How Lisa handles a busy schedule and prioritizes a healthy sex life [17:50] Talk About Sex | How to tell your partner you’re not satisfied and talk without judgment [22:00] What You Want | Set your partner up for success by telling them to what you want [32:32] QUOTES: “One of the best pieces of advice I ever got about sex was until you're able to talk about it openly don't have it.” Tom Bilyeu [2:47] “If you're not feeling connected, yep. Sex isn't just it's not always just the answer, it can be intimacy” Lisa Bilyeu [21:13] “There's no way to get the life that you want unless you're willing to articulate it” Tom Bilyeu [22:28] “For me to test you and then wait to see if you succeed or not, to me isn't a partnership” Lisa Bilyeu [33:59]

It’s been reported that 10 million people every year are affected by family or domestic violence. Domestic violence takes on many forms such as physical, sexual, emotional and psychological abuse. If you are in a relationship that diminishes your value, who you are and makes you feel unsafe in any way, please know this is not okay. Tom and Lisa share their insights and thoughts on verbally emotional abuse and why it should never be tolerated. If you are struggling with any form of abuse, here is a number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233 Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Abusive Relationships | No patience for verbally emotionally abusive relationship [0:28] Confidence | Having confidence and self respect to not tolerate abusive behavior [4:31] QUOTES: “The only reason to be in a relationship is because you're somebody number one, you don't emotionally kick the crap out of somebody who's your number one” Tom Bilyeu[1:31] “Diminishing who they are as a person systematically breaking them, that's nasty” Tom Bilyeu [5:26]

At the root of some of the most common reasons relationships fail is a breakdown or lack of communication. Poor communication makes it difficult to connect and understand what you’re both in need of. To feel heard, respected, and understood in any relationship seems like common sense, and yet so many relationships end because it’s missing. Tom and Lisa share their experiences and lessons from 20+ years together on what it takes to communicate more effectively. Whether you want a simple text during the day or see that your partner is completely out of control you can use these strategies to get a more productive conversation started with your partner. Get proactive so you can prevent the same arguments and misunderstandings from happening again and again. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Feeling Distant | How to communicate when you’re feeling distant and not connected [0:32] Know Your Patterns | Recognize patterns of disconnection and prevent future problems [5:59] Texting Rules | Agreeing on the expectation versus reality of texting during the day [10:40] Sanity Check | Trusting your partner when emotions cloud your reality and experience [21:59] Past Lessons | Why learning from past experiences is most important to be proactive [33:32] QUOTES: “Don't ever say the other person shouldn't be feeling something because you feel it and it's real.” Tom Bilyeu [7:45] “Don't dismiss the way the other person's feeling even if you don't feel like there's a reason for it.” Lisa Bilyeu [10:34] “You have to let the person really go deep into crazy land before you say you're being crazy.” Tom Bilyeu [28:06] “At the end of the day, the person that really has to get it together is the person that's going through that hard thing.” Tom Bilyeu [32:34] “one of the most powerful things couples can do is learn from the past.” Lisa Bilyeu [33:38]

The key to being married happily ever after is embracing change and the different phases life and your relationship will bring your way. Part of the human experience is evolution, so it is only natural that the person you start dating today will not be the same person you are with 5 or 10 years from now. Life, age and experiences change us all, and knowing that makes it a little easier for you to navigate how to share your life with the same person for 20+ years. Lisa and Tom are sharing the challenges and strategies that helped them navigate Lisa’s transition from supportive housewife and CEO of Bilyeu Enterprises to hardcore, badass, co-founder and president of Impact Theory. The change was not easy but having this insight on how Lisa and Tom navigated uncharted territory may prepare you for the road ahead. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Disruptive Change | How Lisa made big changes by inviting Tom into the solution [0:42] Need to Change | How Lisa identified the need and desire to change [5:03] Don’t Be Dismissive | How Lisa thought through not being dismissive of Tom’s feelings [10:01] Foundation for Change | How Tom & Lisa’s foundation made her change possible [13:19] Personality Change | Tom on how he was able to connect to Lisa’s personality change [15:37] Finding Balance | How Lisa learned to pivot being hard in business and softer at home [22:32] QUOTES: “If you want someone [...] to be there when you're weak, you have to be honest about where you're weak.” Lisa Bilyeu [1:43] “You either bring them in to be a helpful source, or you push them away and say, I can do this by myself.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:00] “I want you to become whoever you want to become in order to be proud. And I want you to feel that you've become as powerful as you want to become.” Tom Bilyeu [21:49]