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Episode 169 I've been quiet for the past month without an announced break. In this shorter episode I share with you the reason for my silence as well as an update about what's happening in the podcast.  Watch this recording on YouTube. Links to my recent Holy Week written sharings (mentioned in this episode): To My Fellow Complex Trauma Survivors Who Struggle with Holy Week A Good Friday Confession (I Don't Feel Anything) Before You Ask Catholics to “Come Home” this Easter Easter Hope for the Spiritually Traumatised Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 168 In this re-sharing of a Season 10 episode, I explore why deconstruction is a necessary part of healing from complex trauma — especially for people of faith. I define deconstruction as questioning assumptions we've never questioned before and opening up to new possibilities. I share three zones where I've experienced this: 1. Self-Identity — Differentiating between the survival "Role Self" I built to be accepted and my true "Core Self" that had been buried. 2. Familial & Cultural Values — Recognising how traditions and values handed down through my family facilitated harm and kept me silent. 3. Faith — Wrestling with the growing gap between who God revealed Himself to be in my healing journey and the God of my religious upbringing. I also discuss why healing requires more than religious or doctrinal belief — it demands a deep, existential trust that we are held by a love greater than ourselves. I close with reflection questions to help you identify where deconstruction may be showing up in your own journey. You don't need answers — just acknowledging the questions is powerful. Watch this recording on YouTube. CHAPTER MARKERS 0:00 Introduction 4:08 Defining Deconstruction 5:53 Defining Deconstruction 10:11 3 Zones of Deconstruction 12:07 1. Self-Identity Deconstruction 18:43 2. Familial and Cultural Values Deconstruction 24:07 3. Faith and Religious Deconstruction 39:01 Existential Faith vs Religious or Doctrinal Assent 46:34 Questions for Pondering and Conclusion Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 167 In this episode, I'm exploring deconstruction through the lens of differentiation and individuation—two psychological concepts that have profoundly shaped my faith journey. For years, I related to Catholicism the way I related to my family of origin—with enmeshment, not healthy boundaries. I believed that closeness meant having no division, that love meant disappearing into the other. I carried this into my relationship with God, believing I had to disappear into Him rather than becoming fully myself. In this episode, I talk about: What differentiation and individuation mean in the context of faithHow enmeshment in family systems mirrors enmeshment with the ChurchWhy questioning and discernment are essential to mature faithThe difference between mystical oneness and emotionally healthy individuationLearning to trust my own desires instead of fearing themHow healing from trauma is itself an act of differentiationWatch this recording on YouTube. RESOURCE James Finley, The Healing Path: A Memoir and an Invitation CHAPTER MARKERS 0:00 Why do some lose faith in God and some do not? 1:32 The Commenter's Argument 3:31 Deconstruction Beyond Intellect 8:13 James Finley's Story 14:01 Spiritual But Not Religious 17:42 When Personal Encounters Make God Real Beyond Doubt 21:32 Conflicting Imprints of God in the Nervous System 25:49 When Faith Depends on Constructs 41:30 Beyond the Visible Church 42:30 The Apophatic Tradition Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 166 In this bonus mini-episode,  I share what it's like to taste the fruit of a nine year long interior integration and healing process of my family of origin complex trauma. I describe in concrete terms what this feels like in my body and in the impact I see it has on the rest of my family. I hope this encourages those who are similar healing journeys! Watch on YouTube here. Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 165 Have you ever wondered why some people deconstruct not only their religion but also their entire faith in God, while others deconstruct aspects of organised religion yet retain a relationship with the divine or even with the Christian God? In this episode, I explore the distinction between deconstructing our notions of God and deconstructing the institutional aspects of faith like Christianity or Catholicism. Drawing from personal experience, I discuss how our individual deconstruction journeys unfold differently based on the depth of our personal encounters with God versus what we've been taught through religious tradition. In this episode I discuss • The difference between deconstructing religion vs. deconstructing God • How personal mystical experiences shape our faith journey • How conflicting imprints about God in our nervous systems can create an insecure, “disorganised” or confused attachment with God • Understanding "spiritual but not religious" in the context of deconstruction • The apophatic (mystical) tradition in Christianity Watch this recording on YouTube. RESOURCE James Finley, The Healing Path: A Memoir and an Invitation CHAPTER MARKERS 0:00 Why do some lose faith in God and some do not? 1:32 The Commenter's Argument 3:31 Deconstruction Beyond Intellect 8:13 James Finley's Story 14:01 Spiritual But Not Religious 17:42 When Personal Encounters Make God Real Beyond Doubt 21:32 Conflicting Imprints of God in the Nervous System 25:49 When Faith Depends on Constructs 41:30 Beyond the Visible Church 42:30 The Apophatic Tradition Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 164 In this episode, I talk about how moral injury can be connected to or trigger deconstruction. This is a topic that has been deeply significant in my own journey of interior integration and healing. Moral injury is the damage done to one's conscience or moral compass when we perpetrate, witness, or fail to prevent acts that transgress our own moral beliefs and values. Originally studied in war veterans, this concept has helped me understand the trauma I've experienced in relation to the Catholic Church and spiritual harm. I share how moral injury doesn't just happen when we're directly involved in something wrong—it can occur when we're spectators to injustice, when institutions we trust betray their stated values, or when spiritual leaders remain silent in the face of harm. I also explore how we often defend ourselves against moral injury through rationalisation, and how the journey of interior integration requires us to become more embodied and truthful about reality. This episode is deeply personal as I reflect on my own experiences of deconstruction—not as a total loss of faith, but as a necessary dismantling of religious frameworks that could no longer hold the truth I was encountering in my relationship with God. Watch this recording on YouTube. CHAPTER MARKERS 0:00 Introduction: Moral Injury and Deconstruction 2:41 What is Moral Injury? 3:26 Origins in War Veterans Studies 5:13 Moral Injury as Spectators 7:45 Current Events and Personal Experience 10:57 Betrayal by Spiritual Leaders 22:54 Cognitive Dissonance and Defense Mechanisms 31:23 Interior Integration Journey 33:42 Naming Harm in Family Relationships 42:39 Becoming Embodied and Seeing Truth 46:09 Deconstructing the Church 51:25 Relationship with God Through Deconstruction Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 163 In this episode, I dive into one of the most challenging aspects of deconstruction: trying to explain it to others who haven't experienced it themselves. I respond to a thoughtful question from a follower about how to remain committed to the church while being honest about its limitations during deconstruction. But as I share, this question itself reveals the gap between those observing deconstruction from the outside and those living through it. What I explore in this episode: Why deconstruction can't be fully understood from an intellectual or conceptual level aloneHow trauma plays a central role in the deconstruction processWhy it's impossible to "hold onto the good" while deconstructing—and why that's okayThe difference between critiquing the church and actually deconstructing your faithWhy deconstruction feels like drowning, like having your entire container of faith fall apartHow my own journey with family trauma mirrors my faith deconstructionDeconstruction is disorganised, chaotic, and impossible to neatly explain even to ourselves. If you're going through this process, I hope you feel seen. If you're trying to understand someone who is, I hope this gives you compassion for how difficult it is to put into words. Watch this recording on YouTube. CHAPTER MARKERS 0:00 Introduction 6:22 Unpacking a Follower's Question 11:21 Reading the Question 16:25 Deconstructing the Container, Not Just the Content 18:18 Seeing the Harm in Church Structures 37:22 You Can't Hold On While Letting Go 45:13 My Family of Origin Story 55:39 God Wants Freedom for Us 57:47 External Critique vs. Interior Journey 1:02:00 Closing Thoughts Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 162 Welcome to my first episode of 2026! After a six-week break, I'm returning with greater clarity and readiness to share about a topic I've been living through: deconstruction. In this episode, I'm opening up about my personal journey through deconstruction—not as an outside observer, but as someone who has walked (and is still walking) this difficult path.  What I Cover: • Why lived experience matters when discussing deconstruction—and why resources from those who haven't gone through it often fall short • The crucial connection between deconstruction and trauma that's often missing from conversations • Why deconstruction is an embodied, multidimensional experience that can't be reduced to intellectual analysis alone • The mystical dimension of deconstruction and what it means to leap into the abyss with no guarantees • How deconstruction relates to spiritual midlife and the transition into the second half of life • Why I had to be willing to let go of everything—even my identity as a "good Catholic"—to follow where Christ was leading This is the beginning of a season exploring deconstruction from multiple angles. I'll be addressing questions listeners send me and diving into the many facets of this complex, painful, and ultimately transformative journey. If you're going through deconstruction yourself, I hope this offers you some companionship and validation. If you're trying to understand what someone you love is experiencing, I hope this gives you insight into the depth and sacredness of this process. Watch this recording on YouTube. CHAPTER MARKERS 0:00 - Introduction: Why Now? 9:37 - The Importance of Lived Experience 21:01 - Deconstruction and Trauma 29:42 - Trauma-Informed Lens to Reactions Towards Deconstruction 38:01 - The Integrative Lens 44:24 - The Mystical Dimension 51:57 - No Guarantee in Deconstruction 56:45 - The Second Half of Life 1:01:25 - Closing Thoughts Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 161 What if the reason spiritual abuse is so rampant yet unrecognised in the Church is because these kind of dynamics have always been part of the way the Church existed in the world? In this deeply personal episode, I talk about my journey awakening to and grappling with the legacy of spiritual abuse and trauma within the Catholic Church. I share the story of how I was led in my interior journey into deconstructing my old Self, the way I related to my family of origin and eventually my understanding of and relationship with my Catholic faith. I share how learning to recognise trauma, harm and abuse led me to wrestle with the integrity of what I believed and how that faith is embodied in the world. This reflection offers an honest, bold and nuanced discussion on the complex interplay between faith and coercion in the 2,000 years of the history of the Church and how that impacts the way we live our faith out today. How can we as Church continue to undergo conversion from the legacy of coercion and spiritual abuse that has made up such a huge part of our intergenerational, collective and systemic trauma within the Catholic Church? Join me in this thought-provoking sharing! Watch this recording on YouTube. CHAPTER MARKERS 00:00 Introduction and Personal Journey 01:14 Deconstructing Faith and Identity 03:52 Family of Origin and Trauma 09:10 Anger and Frustration with the Church 14:43 Historical Context of Church Coercion 19:21 Reconciling Faith and Church Authority 22:58 The Role of Conscience in Faith 24:15 Spiritual Abuse and Church Culture 46:03 Hope and Transformation in the Church 51:29 Conclusion Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 160 We know we’re called to holiness, that we’re called to be saints. But have we really grappled with what holiness means? With what becoming saints really mean? In my latest podcast episode I share how I have come to ask these questions in much more earnest after learning about how even canonised saints commit great harm to people, and how some of these harmful actions are even considered by many as part of holiness. I dive into the concepts of sainthood and holiness, especially in light of personal experiences with trauma and spiritual abuse. Reflecting on the stories of saints like Padre Pio and Mother Teresa, I explore how their actions and the narratives surrounding them can impact our understanding of holiness. I encourage viewers to question and reconsider what it means to be holy, particularly from the perspective of embodied spiritual and emotional health.  Watch this recording on YouTube. Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again. RESOURCES The Turning: The Sisters Who Left “The Turning”: The dark side of Mother Teresa’s order, according to nuns who left CHAPTER MARKERS 00:00 Introduction 00:30 Spiritual Abuse and Its Prevalence 02:07 Saints and Holiness: Personal Experiences 02:53 Padre Pio: Reverence and Controversy 11:41 Questioning Holiness and Spiritual Abuse 23:02 Mother Teresa: A Complex Legacy 33:56 Holiness, Love, and Abuse 44:24 Final Thoughts and Encouragement Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 159 In today's episode, we explore the intersection of enmeshment trauma and spiritual abuse. If you're new to the concept, enmeshment trauma occurs in families that are too close to the point where individual boundaries and self-identity are compromised. This episode delves into the signs and impacts of enmeshment trauma, such as poor boundaries, lack of self-identity, feeling overly responsible for others and constant seeking of approval.  I also discuss how these dynamics can lead to spiritual abuse within both families and faith communities, particularly through the misuse of authority and abuse of conscience. Offering insights and personal experiences, this episode aims to help you recognise and heal from these harmful patterns especially when they are cloaked in beautiful and ‘holy’ language such as ‘accountability’ and ‘fraternal correction’. Watch this recording on YouTube. Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again. RESOURCES Holy Hurt: Understanding Spiritual Trauma and the Process of Healing (Book) Holy Hurt (Podcast)  Understanding Enmeshment Trauma Enmeshment in Family: Breaking Free from Unhealthy Closeness    CHAPTER MARKERS 00:00 Introduction 00:11 Understanding Enmeshment Trauma 02:33 Healthy Intimacy vs. Enmeshment 05:27 Spiritual and Religious Trauma 09:56 What is Enmeshment Trauma? 13:01 Personal Experiences and Cultural Context 13:47 Signs of Enmeshment Trauma 19:09 Impact of Enmeshment Trauma 25:54 Enmeshment in Faith Communities 32:19 Conclusion and Final Thoughts Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 158 In this episode, I continue the discussion on spiritual abuse by focusing on Abuse of Conscience. I share my personal journey of discovering this subtle yet pervasive form of abuse, how it affected my life, and my path to recognising my own role in it.  I discuss how my own spiritual trauma and distorted image of God fuelled my participation in this form of spiritual abuse and share how experiencing God's unconditional love has been crucial in my healing process both as a survivor and perpetrator of abuse of conscience.  Watch this recording on YouTube. Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again. RESOURCES What is Abuse of Conscience? (Podcast by Paul Fahey) Abuse of Conscience (Presentation by Paul Fahey, Q&A with Fr Boniface Hicks) Respecting Conscience in Catholicism (Paul Fahey with Amy Grey) Conscience Invaders  The Place Where You Stand Is Holy Ground: Recognizing and Preventing Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church  CHAPTER MARKERS 00:00 Introduction 01:23 Resources on Abuse of Conscience 05:50 The Challenge of Accepting Abuse 08:47 Conscience in Catholic Teaching 14:01 Freedom and Consent in Moral Actions 17:41 About Mortal Sin 24:35 Personal Stories of Conscience Abuse 32:08 The Impact of Fear on Faith 42:13 Healing and Repenting from Abuse of Conscience 49:05 Final Thoughts and Invitation to Reflect Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 157 In this episode, I build on my last episode’s discussion of how culture, disembodied faith, and trauma contribute to an environment conducive to spiritual abuse. I delve into the responsible use of power and influence, sharing personal insights and experiences.  I discuss how, even with good intentions, we can unintentionally harm others by imposing ourselves and violating the sacred freedom of another person’s conscience that even God respects. I offer tips for exercising influence in a non-coercive and respectful manner, emphasising the importance of honouring each person's freedom and dignity.  Watch this recording on YouTube. Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again. CHAPTER MARKERS 00:00 Introduction 05:36 Personal Influence and Power Dynamics 09:54 Why So Hard to Recognise Spiritual Abuse 20:20 Tips for Respecting Others' Freedom 35:14 Conclusion and Reflection Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 156 In this episode, I delve into three factors that facilitate spiritual abuse, especially within the experience of many Catholics. Reflecting on a personal experience during a silent retreat, I explore how complex trauma, disembodied faith, and cultural influences create environments where spiritual abuse can easily occur.  I share insights on recognising these dynamics and discuss the importance of becoming trauma-informed to foster authentic spiritual maturity and embodied faith. This conversation aims to support individuals on their journey of healing and integration, helping them understand the systemic and personal elements contributing to spiritual abuse. Watch this recording on YouTube. Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again. CHAPTER MARKERS 00:00 Introduction 06:02 Three Factors in the Set-Up for Spiritual Abuse 11:25 Cultural Influences on Spirituality 14:20 Silent Retreat Experience 25:48 Understanding Spiritual Maturity 28:05 The Role of Dreams in Spiritual Direction 28:57 Unknowingly Primed for Spiritual Abuse 31:30 Complex Trauma and Authority 36:25 Disembodied Faith 43:21 Recognising and Addressing Spiritual Abuse 49:43 Final Reflections and Encouragement Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 155 In this episode, Paul Fahey joins me in a pivotal conversation about spiritual abuse within the context of evangelisation and church communities. We share our journey from years of traditional evangelisation to a deeper understanding of the Great Commandments and how they relate to the Great Commission. We examine the importance of truly loving others as Christ loves us and how our distorted images of God can impact our relationships and evangelisation efforts.  We address the often-overlooked emotional and psychological abuses by those in spiritual authority and discuss what a healthy use of authority should look like. We also delve into the critical role of personal integrity and humility for those in spiritual leadership. This episode offers crucial insights into the ways we can foster a more loving and respectful approach to faith, evangelisation and discipleship. Watch this recording on YouTube. Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again. RESOURCES Paul Fahey's Spiritual Abuse Workshop (Fall 2025) Read Paul's excellent reflection: "One cannot proclaim God in a way contrary to God himself: Spiritual Abuse and Evangelisation" Sherry Weddell’s book Forming Intentional Disciples: The Path to Knowing and Following Jesus  Catechesi Tradendae  Dignitatis Humanae  Pope Francis’ address to the Indigenous Peoples and Members of the Parish Community Sacred Heart  CHAPTER MARKERS 00:00 Introduction 03:29 Spiritual Abuse in Evangelisation 05:52 Introducing Paul Fahey 09:43 Personal Experiences and Reflections 14:18 The Role of Trust in Evangelisation 25:29 Coercion in Evangelisation 30:48 Subtle Forms of Coercion 44:45 Preferential Option for the Institution 50:26 Defining the End of Evangelisation 53:16 The Importance of Dignity and Freedom 55:23 Evangelisation vs. Proselytism 56:52 Intellectual Conversion vs. True Discipleship 58:15 Lack of Self-Awareness in Evangelisation 01:01:25 Corporate and Individual Responsibility 01:04:33 Historical Context of Church Authority 01:18:35 Healthy Use of Spiritual Authority 01:24:07 E Support the show SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT Social Media: Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook. Newsletter: Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections. Support the Show: Monthly Support (starting at USD$3) One-time Donation Leave a Review: If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.