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A DOUBLE RAINBOW?!? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!? Err ... I mean a double episode! Melrose Place is getting out of their mid-season doldrums ... or perhaps working through it ... to set the stage for the season five finale and the mass exodus of og characters. We've already lost Jane and Jo, but by all accounts Kimberly will be leaving soon and Jake seems hell bent on taking Alison with him to Rhonda's suburbia. We get the return of an abortion story line, this time with Alison having to assert her bodily autonomy into the universe. "It's too bad the baby's inside me." Amanda is pretending to seduce Craig, who is trying to make Peter jealous, who sleeps with Taylor in anger. Kyle has a new bro-friend who hates Taylor, and so you can be sure he is going to be stirring things up to maintain his friendship with Kyle and not have to deal with any "wife" or whatever screwing things up. Also, Michael slept with Kimberly, so again, he cheated on his wife with his ex-wife, again.

Well, Teege and Mary are running the tape on Kimberly's runway on this show. Will she make it? Will she survive? How long will she last? Will she be brought back? Who knows?!? Well, Teege does, but he's not saying. #nospoilers This week, we have this odd jealousy thing bubbling up between Megan and Kimberly. Not that Michael making them jealous of each other is odd, but the way this love triangle started now makes it odd to have jealousy bubbling up, especially as Kimberly is nearing the end of her rope. What is that Greek mythology of a God cutting all of our strings at some point? Eh, whatever, we're not scientists. Kyle has a new sparring partner, his old military / army / navy / other tough guy thing buddy, where they launch into a deep debate over who is the butt and who is the wipe. Teege and Mary of course come in to add an artistic flair to the question, attempting to answer: is it better to be the butt or the wipe? Bonus appearance in this story of one of Teege's old red neck uncles. (Not that he's aged, just that he's long gone from Thanksgiving dinners, due to divorce.) Sydney and Sam are having a spat, as Sydney kicks Sam out, but Sam gets help from her hunky ex-boyfriend lawyer who threatens Amanda, and, oh geez who cares. As I write this, I don't remember what happened with Amanda and Craig, but pretty sure they're starting to feud now, in part because Amanda's demand for $5,000,000 from daddy may have caused his heart attack? Or maybe because Amanda said "hike it up, Nancy, and get back to work, the funerl's over!" Whatever. We're really struggling here.

Well, dear listeners, it appears that we need to admit mistakes (made by our intern), take accountability (for our intern's screw up), and apologize to you (about our intern) for the long run of non-episode episodes.

Heading into a new year, we imagine what the characters of Melrose Place are going to resolve going into the new year. Will Michael resolve to be faithful to his fourth/fifth wife? (Fourth woman, fifth marriage ... right?) Will Sydney operate as a legit businesswoman? Will Kimberly live through the year? Let's see together!

Look, Mary agreed to do a holiday special episode of the podcast. However, she had no idea that I was going to switch up the actual holiday we were celebrating. So, please forgive the lack of cultural preparedness, as we stumble through our own ignorance of how poorly we understand one of the most significant religions in our world. That said, lack of expertise wouldn't stop us from delivering you this sweet, sweet Melrose Place content.

You're never going to believe what happened next. Melrose Place has installed an experimental Black Box theater in the apartment that Peepin' Ted used to creep on Amanda. Or: ... black box theatre. However you want to say it. Or read it. Anyway, for the first production, Melrose Place went big budget, and got the rights to Wicked, The Musical, and Teege and Mary are the casting directors. Let's see how things go with this casting couch, shall we?

In the grand scheme of the world, it turns out that St. Nick's Day is only celebrated in a few cities in the country. That includes urban paradises such as New Ulm, Minnesota, Pella, Iowa, and for our purposes, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Of course, one of the Melrose Place women from indescript Midwestern States certainly brought the tradition with them. So we investigate how each of our favorite characters celebrated this good holiday. Who got fruit in their stocking?!?

In 2025, Black Friday is a relatively calm, largely online affair. But in the 90s? Chaos. Injury. Retail *war* with actual fists. So what do you think our season five girlies were like during Black Friday on Melrose Place? Your Melrose Super Fans provide the definitive, *cannon* answer.

Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking, into the future. It's 2025. 30 years after 1995. So what would a Melrose Place reunion for Thanksgiving look like? Who has too many grandchildren? Who is Michael trying to sleep with? Who is just happy to be included? We got you.

What, exactly, would Americans do if we found an underground cavern of a vast unicorn society? By Americans, of course, we mean capitalist corporations. Because, at Mitt Romney taught us, corporations are people, my friend! Yes, the fast food industry would be grinding up those unicorn hoofs and deep frying them faster than you can say "have that unicorn your way!"

In the archives of major American rhetorical moments, "Leave Britney Alone!" by Cara Cunningham (formerly known as Chris Crocker) is one of the most impactful. She taught a generation about the dangers of gossip magazines and criticism culture in one poorly-lit youtube video. Well, Cara is in good company. Won't people ever Leave Jane Alone?

We at the Melrose Place Cast LOVE accountability, even when it's being directed at us. And when we promised our sponsors to produce ONE MILLION DOWNLOADS ... and then failed to deliver ... well we were left with no other options than to put this out one more time. (In actuality - this is meant to be a time capsule moment where we revisit some of the earlier seasons)

In real life, these episodes of Melrose Place existed at the same time as The Macarena. Why, oh why, have we not seen this epic dance trend show up on camera yet? Will it? Should it? We investigate.

Whether you're talking about Sarah Palin or Sydney Andrews, one thing is sure, you're talking about chaos, flakiness, and feminine guiles. Unless it's sexist to say that, in which case delete that line. This week, we look at the soaring rhetoric of "I can see Russia from my house" and compare it to a speech written for Sydney Andrews about all the things she can se from her Director's Chair.

Is Amanda even a main character any more? Michael found out about Kimberly's diagnosis, and is insisting on being by her side. This includes asking Megan to hide their new marriage from everyone until Kimberly gets raptured up or taken down. Sydney continues her relationship with Backstreet Boy Genius, and is in a pickle because his handler has paid off her debts. Craig's dad has a heart attack while getting ready to write Amanda Woodward a blackmail check for five million dollars. Craig and Amanda are now trauma bonded, and Amanda doesn't get five million dollars. Craig does, we can assume. Matt's boyfriend is going to get treatment. Kimberly, Michael, and Megan have an artistic collision, where everything from Kimberly and Michael's first accident is replayed, now with Megan involved.