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How can the women tell all while saying so little? Is Susie going to start a foundation to help other victims of Clayton's vast insensitivity?  A special doubl episode week!

Who will have the scariest dad? Who will have the lousiest hometown? Who is getting led on? What kind of wild animal will Clayton be bitten by? Is high ropes REALLY that scary? Are Michelle and Colin as good at Bachelor predictions as they think they are? Is Rachel's laryngitis strategic? Is Serene's brother Barack Obama's secret son?  Hometowns is actually taking place in people's home towns, so episode 8 of Clayton's season of The Bachelor is instantly ten times better.

Are they allowed to have two rose ceremonies in one episode? Where was Clayton's lie detection ability in the Shanae episodes? Will Mara's gambit for more screen time pay off on Women Tell All? Is the Pretty Woman date a harbinger of success for Susie? Can we please have Gabby as the next bachelorette instead of Susie? How many times can they say "hometowns" in one episode? Which girl is going to have the most unamused dad? Has there ever been a less appropriate date than fake televised therapy? Why are we pretending that Clayton is paying for Susie's new clothes? Why have we never seen footage of Sarah's alleged villainy? Will Sarah finally hire an acting coach? Will we ever see justice for Genevieve? Episode 7 of Clayton's season of The Bachelor is one of the best ever.

... Then comes Sarah in a baby carriage? Does Shanae have a future as a shrimp spokeswoman? How do you pronounce "Clayton"? Is Clayton always walking out of scenes to check the script? Is there nothing for these women to talk about other than how hard it is to "open up"? Why do we spend so much time hearing Mara spiralling through desperation and despair? What footage did we miss of Serene mastering knightly combat? Is Rachel an amazing kisser? How much horse anus does a girl need to eat to get some love from Clayton? Why can't Clayton see that no one except Mara is old enough to get married? Episode 6 of Clayton's season of The Bachelor is full of sword fights AND word fights!

Does Shanae have a genius-level villain IQ? Where is Houston anyway? Have the women run out of good sob stories for their one-on-ones? Is trophy-toss going to be added to the next Olympics? Is Genevieve going home in a barrel? Why would anyone ever believe Shanae's apology? Why didn't Clayton take the girls to Medieval Times in Toronto? Is there such a thing as gluten-free beaver tails?  Sorry this one's a week late! Episode 5 of Clayton's season of The Bachelor was so good it took Colin a long time to recover. 

Is this Shanae's season? Does Clayton love football more than he likes women? Is there a producer watching Clayton bathe? Should the Bachelor get three instant replays? Is Colin nailing a South African accent? Who are these random schlubs cooking barbecue for Clayton and Rachel? Is Sierra a pot-stirrer or an earnest busybody? Is it safe to have sex in the ocean? Is there a world where Clayton is actually INTO Shanae?   check out our analysis of episode 4 of Clayton's season... (Shanae's season?), Colin's accent work, and the continuing fallout of Shrimp-Gate

Shrimp... Is there really anything else on the menu? Episode 3 of Clayton's season is all about the tastiest fruits of the sea. God help us all. 

Who will be the blondest craziest villain of Clayton's season? Why is Hilary Duff hosting a child actor party? Is Cassidy going to make friends, or is she going to be America's Next Top Model? Is Cassidy a tragic hero with the fatal flaw of hubris? What kind of cocktails to they serve at "Shoes" and "Big Daddy's Antiques"? Is Elizabeth safe in the same house as Shanae? Do we need a grade school PSA about bullying people with ADHD? Is Shanae more crazy or more evil? Is one girl's friend-with-benefits another girl's boyfriend?  Episode 2 of Clayton's season .... a season for villains! 

Is this the first season of The Bachelor to segue into a new season of Sister Wives? Is Clayton's dad hosting the show? Did Salley audition to be on the show the same day her engagement fell through? Why was there a rose laying around in Clayton's hotel room? Has there ever been a Bachelor easier to manipulate than Clayton? Who writes these girls' intro bits? Who will be crowned craziest of the crazies? What will Washington eventually name their football team? Will Claire ever meet her dream mean man? Who ate those leftover chicken wings? Clayton's season of The Bachelor is off to a bugnuts crazy start with Episode 1 and Michelle and Colin are ready to talk smack.

Is there more to this episode after it cuts off? (No, the phone company called Colin back and Bridget texted Michelle to let Colin know so we cut it short) What have Michelle and Colin been up to instead of watching The Bachelorette? Is Clayton possibly Jesse Palmer's high school love child? What has Michelle's daughter been obsessed with lately? Are Michelle and Colin planning on doing a long personal preamble before every episode? (no we promise). Is the Bachelor-verse hopelessly contrived? Which of the contestants have crazy-eyes? What does "previously engaged" mean? How crazy is Meghan Markle? Is Lisa GIlroy ever going to get to host The Bachelorette? Could these women have lower standards for their future husbands?  PRE-GAME RAGER EPISODE!

How does Joe's ex-girlfriend showing up to win him back end up as a minor footnote on this episode? How many chains is too many for a white man? How little did Michelle learn at Catholic school? How long are Michelle and Colin going to talk about Aaron Carter and Bret Michaels? Has there ever been a more flagrant display of hubris than Brendan and Pieper? But also, has there ever been a more savage edit in the history of the show? Why didn't Brendan plead the Fifth with Natasha? How is it possible to hate Chris even more than we did before? Does anyone have sharper takes than Deandra? What rhyme or reason was there to the "VIP" guest list? How does Chris's behaviour turn out to be more egregious than Brendan's? Would it be more interesting if there were an interspecies body-swapping version of Paradise with Japanese macaques?  Bachelor in Paradise 2021, episodes 6 + 7 Late post :'(

How does the cast of Paradise drink so much yet not get beer bellies? Did Connor really think he had a shot with Maurissa? Who the hell is Chris and what does he have to be cocky about? Why does the Bachelor-verse have so many first dates that are basically heavy petting masquerading as yoga? Why is everyone in such a hurry to get with Kenny? Can someone tell Natasha that she's wasting her time with Brendan? When is Riley going to get the chocolate cake he was promised? What happened to Tre's sense of humour? Does Karl pick up women with close-up magic? Where did Karl and Chasen find the terrible jewellry? Is Deandra lowkey the best person on the show? Kenny's a male stripper right?  Bachelor in Paradise 2021, episodes 4 + 5  sorry for the late post!