Advertise on podcast: Language of Love with Dr. Laura Berman

Have you ever looked back at a relationship and thought, How did I end up here AGAIN? Maybe you keep falling for emotionally unavailable people. Maybe one unanswered text sends you into a full-blown anxiety spiral. Or you find yourself people-pleasing, overexplaining, or chasing someone who isn't giving you much in return. And the really frustrating part? You KNOW you're doing it. You might even understand exactly where the pattern came from. So why is it so hard to stop? As a relationship therapist for more than 30 years, I've seen just how stubborn these patterns can be. We develop ways of protecting ourselves and getting our emotional needs met early in life, and then carry those strategies into our adult relationships. Sometimes the very things we do to feel secure end up creating more of the insecurity we're trying to avoid. My guest on The Language of Love is Sabrina Zohar, host of The Sabrina Zohar Show and author of Why Am I Like This? Sabrina calls the unconscious programming behind our relationship patterns our "b******t blueprint," and she's refreshingly direct, funny, and occasionally profane about what it takes to change it. She shares a pretty remarkable story involving 173 unanswered texts. Yes, 173! We unpack what was really happening underneath that behavior, why our nervous systems can hijack our best intentions, and what it actually takes to respond differently when every part of you wants to fall back into an old habit. We also challenge some popular dating advice and talk about why knowing all the therapy language doesn't necessarily mean you're doing the work. Sabrina shares how she and her partner learned to build trust one hour at a time, and the practical tools she uses when her emotions start taking over. We also explore: Why understanding your attachment style doesn't automatically change your behavior How to tell the difference between anxiety and intuition Why avoidant partners aren't always the villains, and why attachment wounds aren't an excuse for hurtful behavior What's wrong with popular dating advice like "if they wanted to, they would" How to recognize real emotional growth versus just getting good at talking about your issues Simple somatic tools for calming your nervous system and interrupting old patterns If you're tired of having the same relationship in a different package, I think you'll get a lot out of this conversation. You don't have to heal every childhood wound before you can have a healthy relationship. But you do have to start recognizing your patterns, taking responsibility for your behavior, and practicing something different, even when it's uncomfortable. To learn more about Sabrina and her work, pick up a copy of Why Am I Like This, listen to The Sabrina Zohar Show, and connect with her on Instagram and TikTok. If something in this conversation sparked something in you, don't stop here. My website offers more content, tools, and upcoming events to keep the conversation alive. And if a reflection comes up, or you simply want to reach out, I'd love to hear from you. Find me at [email protected]. This episode is for anyone who's ever known better and still done worse, and finally understood why. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What if some of the things you've spent your whole life beating yourself up about, like being disorganized, procrastinating, forgetting things, or feeling overwhelmed by everyday tasks, were actually signs of ADHD? For so many women, ADHD goes unrecognized for years, sometimes decades. They grow up thinking they're lazy, scattered, too sensitive, or just need to try harder. And because ADHD doesn't always look the way we've been taught to recognize it, especially in girls and women, many don't get answers until well into adulthood. And then there's perimenopause, when hormonal changes can make symptoms that were once manageable suddenly feel impossible to ignore. On this episode of The Language of Love, I'm joined by Dr. Jolene Brighten, a naturopathic doctor, clinical sexologist, and women's health expert. She's the bestselling author of Beyond the Pill and Is This Normal?, and her new book, ADHD and Women: A Guide to Optimizing Your Hormones and Thriving with ADHD, explores the fascinating relationship between ADHD, hormones, and women's health. We talk about why ADHD is so often missed in women, how it can be mistaken for anxiety, and the ways girls learn to compensate for or hide their struggles from an early age. We also get into the role of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone in brain function, and why perimenopause can be especially challenging for women with ADHD. But this conversation goes well beyond understanding the diagnosis. Jolene shares practical ways to support your brain, from nutrition and sleep to navigating medication and hormone therapy, along with some really helpful advice about finding a healthcare provider who understands how ADHD shows up in women. And we talk about something I think is incredibly important: how much shame women carry when they've spent years struggling with things that seem to come so easily to everyone else. Understanding how your brain works can be a tremendous relief, especially when it helps you stop judging yourself and start getting the support you actually need. In this episode, we explore: Why ADHD is so often overlooked or misdiagnosed in girls and women The symptoms of ADHD you might never have thought to connect to it How anxiety and ADHD overlap, and how to tell the difference Why so many girls learn to mask their ADHD and the toll it can take The connection between ADHD, estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone Why perimenopause can bring previously unrecognized ADHD symptoms to the surface How hormonal fluctuations may affect ADHD medications What Jolene calls “ADHD light” and why other conditions can mimic ADHD How to prepare for an ADHD evaluation and find a provider who understands women The importance of sleep and nutrition for supporting your brain Jolene's easy “chill girl meals” and the breakfast food that helped my own memory and focus What women should know about hormone therapy and ADHD Whether you've been diagnosed with ADHD, suspect you might have it, or are simply wondering why your brain seems to be working differently as you get older, I think you'll find this conversation both fascinating and reassuring. Because there's something incredibly freeing about finally understanding yourself, especially if you've spent years wondering why certain things have always felt so hard. To learn more about Dr. Brighten and her work, visit her website and pick up a copy of ADHD and Women: A Guide to Optimizing Your Hormones and Thriving with ADHD. You can also find her podcast and her ADHD hormone profile quiz for women. If something in this conversation sparked something in you, don't stop here. My website offers more content, tools, and upcoming events to keep the conversation alive. And if a reflection comes up, or you simply want to reach out, I'd love to hear from you. Find me at [email protected]. This episode is for anyone who's ever wondered if they've been blaming themselves for something that was never their fault and discovered the answer is yes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Serena Kerrigan built a brand around confidence. She became known as the Queen of Confidence, turned her dating life into a live show during COVID, went on 50 virtual blind dates in front of a live audience. Serena is now the author of Let’s F*cking Date: Become the Prize, Enjoy the Ride, and Never Settle Again, and this book comes from someone who has spent years dating very publicly while also having to take a pretty hard look at her own patterns. At one point, she asked herself a question that became a turning point: Would I actually want to date me? She was tired of attracting emotionally unavailable men and having versions of the same disappointing relationship. Eventually, she started looking at what she was bringing into those relationships too, including the ways being fiercely independent and always seeming completely fine could make it hard for someone to really get close to her. That’s where our conversation starts, but we cover a lot of ground. Serena is funny, opinionated and refreshingly willing to talk about the things she got wrong along the way. In this episode, we talk about: What 50 virtual blind dates taught Serena about dating Why she finally asked herself, “Would I want to date me?” The difference between real confidence and armor What she means when she says “become the prize” Why a quick FaceTime can save you from a terrible first date Her Foundation List and Flex List, and why knowing the difference matters Why strict preferences can eliminate people you might actually love Love bombing, inconsistency and emotional unavailability Why Serena believes in keeping a dating roster Why you should never date someone’s potential Her Potential, Practice or Plot approach to every date What rejection can teach you Why butterflies aren’t always the sign we think they are The green flag she noticed when she started dating her boyfriend Why feeling safe and calm with someone can take some getting used to What Serena learned about receiving care without feeling like she was giving up her power One of the things I liked most about talking with Serena is that she hasn’t abandoned the confidence that made her famous. Her understanding of it has just gotten more interesting. There’s confidence in knowing your worth and having standards. There’s also confidence in letting somebody see you when you don’t have it all together, admitting that you care, and allowing yourself to receive. And for someone who built an entire brand around being the Queen of Confidence, that feels like a pretty interesting place to have arrived. To learn more about Serena, pick up a copy of her book, Let's F*cking Date: Become the Prize, Enjoy the Ride, and Never Settle Again. You can also visit her website, subscribe to her YouTube channel, connect with her on LinkedIn and Instagram, and reach out to Serena directly with your dating questions.  If something in this conversation made you rethink the way you're approaching love, don't stop here. My website offers more content, tools, and upcoming events to keep the conversation alive. And if a reflection comes up, or you simply want to reach out, I'd love to hear from you. Find me at [email protected]. Because dating isn't just about finding someone. It's also about learning how to stop abandoning yourself while you're looking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You meet someone kind to you. They’re consistent. They call when they say they will. They make it clear they like you. They actually show up. And somehow... you’re not sure how you feel about them. Maybe you start looking for reasons something is wrong. You lose interest. You tell yourself there’s no chemistry. Then someone else comes along who is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or keeps you guessing, and suddenly you can’t stop thinking about them. You wait for their texts. You analyze every interaction. You wonder what they’re feeling. The less certain you are about how they feel about you, the more certain you become that you want them. And eventually you start asking yourself: Why am I like this? Why does healthy love feel boring while complicated love feels exciting? Why do I keep wanting people who make me feel like I have to earn their love? I’ve heard some version of this question countless times in my practice. And what makes this pattern especially frustrating is that you may already understand exactly where it came from. Maybe love was inconsistent when you were growing up. Maybe you had to work for attention, affection, or approval. Maybe you learned very early that love comes with uncertainty. You can understand all of that intellectually and still find yourself wildly attracted to the person who keeps you guessing. Because insight alone doesn’t necessarily change what your nervous system has learned to recognize as love. In this Language of Love Session, I answer a question from Pam, who sees this pattern clearly in herself. When someone is kind and available, she becomes bored or suspicious. When someone is inconsistent, she becomes obsessed. So how do you change what you’re attracted to? How do you stop sabotaging something healthy because it doesn’t give you the emotional highs and lows you’ve learned to associate with chemistry? And how do you teach your mind and body that calm, consistent love doesn’t mean something is missing? We talk about how those early patterns get wired into us and what it actually takes to begin changing them, including therapy, somatic work, self-love, and sometimes simply staying long enough to give a healthy person a real chance. Because if your internal compass was calibrated around inconsistent love, following your instincts can keep leading you back to the very relationships you’re trying to stop choosing. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why understanding your childhood patterns may not be enough to change them How your earliest experiences of love can shape who you’re attracted to and what you expect from relationships Why healthy, available love can sometimes make you suspicious, restless, or want to run Why inconsistency can feel like chemistry when it activates an old attachment pattern How trauma and attachment patterns can live in the body, and how somatic experiencing, EMDR, and talk therapy may help How we sometimes sabotage a healthy relationship so we can leave before someone has the chance to leave us Why believing you don’t deserve healthy love can make kind, available people feel strangely unappealing How building self-love can begin to change what you’re willing to accept from other people Why giving someone four or five dates instead of trusting your immediate reaction may give attraction a chance to develop How to interrupt old neural pathways and begin practicing a different way of loving while you’re actually dating If this resonates, subscribe to The Language of Love on your favorite podcast platform. If someone you know needs to hear this, send them this episode. You can reach me at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com, and your question could be answered in a future session. For additional support, you can find somatic experiencing practitioners at traumahealing.org, and EMDR therapy and talk therapy can also help you work through the patterns we talked about today. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your relationship is going well. The bills are paid. Good sex is there. The laughter comes easily. You love your partner. You’re building a life together that looks good on paper. And often feels good in real life, too. But every so often, a quiet ache shows up. A wish for more adventure. More affection. More of something you can’t quite name. Maybe you’re the one who wants spontaneous weekend plans. They’d rather curl up with a book. Maybe you’re reaching for more touch, more depth, more play. They seem perfectly content. And then the question slips in. Soft but relentless. Did I choose wrong? Am I asking too much? Or am I settling for too little? I’ve sat with that question more times than I can count. And I’ve learned that it rarely means what people think it means. If you’ve ever loved someone deeply and still felt a little alone in the life you’re building together, this episode is for you. In this Language of Love Bite, I share a framework I use with clients that completely reframes what’s "missing" in a relationship, and it has almost nothing to do with your partner's shortcomings. It has everything to do with something modern life has quietly stolen from all of us. Because somewhere along the way, we stopped leaning on friends, community, and connection outside our relationship, and started expecting one person to be all of it. Our best friend. Our therapist. Our adventure buddy. Our spiritual guide. Our everything. No relationship was ever built to carry that much weight alone. In this episode, you’ll learn: Why “am I asking too much?” is often the wrong question The hidden pressure we put on one person to be our everything How to tell the difference between a relationship problem and a life problem What your quiet frustration might be trying to tell you The one question I ask that can turn resentment into clarity How to protect what matters most in your partnership while building a life that feels full again If this hits home, follow The Language of Love wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. If someone came to mind while you were listening, share this episode with them. You can also email me at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com to have your question answered in a future session. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Something is happening to our children, and most of us are not paying close enough attention. The algorithm is reaching them. Predators are reaching them. Drugs are reaching them through the phones we thought were keeping them connected and safe. And for many parents, the first time they realize what is happening is when it is already too late. If you are a regular listener, you probably know how my son Sammy died. He bought a counterfeit pill laced with fentanyl from a dealer he met on Snapchat. I thought I had done everything I could to keep my home safe. I never imagined that a drug dealer could reach my son through his phone. But that is the reality parents are facing now. You may be doing everything you can. Monitoring social media. Limiting screen time. Talking to your kids about strangers, drugs, and online safety. But what happens when the algorithm is reaching them anyway? And what happens when it is reaching their friends, the kids they sit beside at school, play sports with, or spend the night with? We cannot monitor every conversation. We cannot see every screen. And while all of this is happening, many of us parents are distracted too. We are busy. We are exhausted. We are scrolling. So how do we raise conscious, grounded daughters and sons in a culture that is constantly competing for their attention? Dr. Shefali Tsabary joins us  on The Language of Love, and this conversation goes straight into the heart of that question. Dr. Shefali is a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and founder of the Conscious Parenting Movement. For decades, she has challenged parents to look at themselves before trying to fix their children. Now, she is taking on two of the biggest conversations in parenting today: what is happening to our girls, and what is happening to our boys. Her response came in the form of two books, released at the same time and written in just five and a half months because she believes the moment demands urgency. In this episode, Dr. Shefali explains why the algorithm targets children differently based on sex, and why it is so effective. We talk about why simply banning social media can give parents a false sense of security, why taking a teenager's phone away overnight can backfire, and what parents can do instead. Her answer comes down to something that sounds simple, but is incredibly hard to practice: connection. Real connection. The kind that requires us to put our own phones down, pay attention, and actually be present with our kids. And then the conversation takes us somewhere many parenting discussions avoid. We talk about the impossible messages we are sending our boys. Be strong, but do not be domineering. Be vulnerable, but do not appear weak. Be confident, but never intimidating. Dr. Shefali explains why shaming boys does not teach them to become safer men. It can teach them to hide the very parts of themselves they need to understand. We also talk about masculinity and femininity, and what it could look like to celebrate these qualities without turning them into rigid boxes. There is room for strength and softness, confidence and vulnerability, masculinity and femininity, and for the many ways those qualities can show up in our children. This is a conversation about parenting, technology, identity, connection, and the kind of world we are creating for our kids. And it starts with a question we all need to ask ourselves: Are we really paying attention? In this episode, we talk about: The force shaping your child right now that is not you, not school, and not the app you blocked Why today's girls are the most powerful and the most fragile generation we have ever raised The prison that traps girls before they even know they are in it The impossible rulebook boys are handed, and what happens when they stop trying to follow it The tiny daily act that rebuilds years of disconnection, and it is not talking What mothers may be passing onto their sons without ever knowing it The one thing every parent needs to stop doing tomorrow The one thing Dr. Shefali says every parent needs to stop doing immediately If Dr. Shefali’s work resonates with you, you can learn more about her, her two new books, Raising Conscious Daughters and Raising Conscious Sons, and the Conscious Parenting Movement at her website. Her website also offers resources and tools for parents who want to go deeper, including guidance on conscious parenting, connection, and raising emotionally healthy kids. Whether you have daughters, sons, or both, her work meets you where you are and helps you begin with the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself. For more resources, tools, and upcoming events, visit my website. And if something from this conversation stays with you, I’d love to hear from you at [email protected]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know that feeling when something inside you says, Don’t do this. Get out. Something’s wrong. Sometimes that feeling is your intuition picking up on something before your conscious mind has caught up. But sometimes it’s anxiety. An old wound gets activated, your nervous system goes on high alert, and suddenly everything in you is saying danger even when you’re not actually in danger. So how do you tell the difference? A listener named Angel wrote in with this question, and it’s such an important one because once you’ve been hurt, especially in relationships, trusting your gut can get complicated. Maybe there have been times when your instincts were absolutely right. And there may have been other times when fear convinced you something terrible was happening when it wasn’t. In this Language of Love Session, I talk about how I distinguish intuition from anxiety and, more importantly, what to do when you genuinely can’t tell which one you’re feeling. One of the biggest clues is how the message arrives. Anxiety tends to be loud, repetitive and urgent. It wants an answer right now. Intuition is usually quieter and clearer. But when your nervous system is activated, even intuition can get tangled up with fear, which is why I don’t recommend making an important decision from that state. I walk you through a few simple somatic practices to settle the fear enough that you can listen to what’s underneath it. I also show you how to begin learning your body’s own language of expansion and contraction, including a surprisingly easy exercise you can practice with something as simple as foods you love and foods you hate. In this episode, I talk about: How intuition tends to feel different in the body than anxiety Why urgency is often a clue that fear has entered the picture What to do when a gut feeling comes with a lot of anxiety Three ways to regulate your nervous system before making a decision How to “try on” a choice and notice your body’s response What expansion and contraction can tell you A simple exercise for learning what a yes and a no feel like in your own body Why learning to trust yourself is a practice, especially if fear has been running the show for a long time If you’ve ever thought, I know something feels wrong, but I don’t know if I should trust that feeling, this episode will give you a way to slow things down and get clearer about what your body is actually telling you. If you'd like to ask a question or get some advice, email me at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at drlauraberman.com to have your own question answered in a future session. And if you want to go even deeper into somatic work and regulating your nervous system, check out my book, Crying Out Loud, where I dive into even more techniques to help you come back to your body and trust yourself again. Because you deserve to trust the voice inside you, but first, you have to learn which one is actually yours. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Butterflies or Red Flags: How to Tell the Difference with Laura Berman You meet someone and the chemistry is immediate. You can’t stop thinking about them. You’re checking your phone, rereading texts, analyzing what they said, and wondering when you’ll hear from them again. It feels exciting. Maybe even a little intoxicating. But is that chemistry? Or is your nervous system getting activated by something that feels very familiar? In this Language of Love Bite, I’m talking about one of the easiest mistakes to make in dating: assuming that the intensity we feel around someone tells us something about how right they are for us. Sometimes butterflies really are excitement and attraction. But sometimes what feels like incredible chemistry is uncertainty, anxiety, or an old attachment pattern getting stirred up. And that may also explain why a kind, consistent, emotionally available person can initially feel a little... boring. So how do you tell the difference? I’ll show you how to pay attention to what happens after the date, not just during it. Do you leave feeling grounded, open, and more like yourself? Or do you leave preoccupied, anxious, and trying to figure out where you stand? In this episode, you’ll learn: Why butterflies aren't necessarily evidence that someone is right for you How uncertainty can create an incredibly powerful sense of attraction Why emotionally available people can feel less exciting when you’re accustomed to relational unpredictability How to recognize the difference between attraction and nervous-system activation What to notice in your body before, during, and after spending time with someone Why curiosity is more useful than immediately deciding, “This must be my person” The question to ask yourself when you find yourself becoming obsessed with someone Chemistry matters. Attraction matters. But neither one can tell you whether someone is capable of building the kind of relationship you actually want. And sometimes the person who doesn’t send your nervous system on a roller coaster deserves a second look. If this conversation resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you. You can reach me at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com. Like to learn more about how to call healthy love into your life and be a match for it, check out my book Quantum Love Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What happens when you finally have the life you worked so hard for and you realize you’re not okay? My guest Koya Webb knows this contradiction intimately. Koya is a globally recognized wellness leader, bestselling author, speaker and founder of Get Loved Up, whose work has helped people around the world build healthier, more connected lives. She’s spent years teaching yoga, meditation, movement and holistic wellbeing, working with major brands and bringing these practices to audiences around the world. She had built a successful career doing work she loved. She was traveling, teaching and helping thousands of other people take better care of themselves. From the outside, her life looked like it was working. Behind the scenes, she was losing herself. At one point, Koya was literally putting vodka in her green juice. That image says so much about what we talk about in this episode. You can exercise, meditate, eat well and know all the “right” things to do and still use achievement, busyness and even wellness itself to avoid what’s happening inside you. Koya shares what was really going on during that period of her life and the moment she had to admit that the way she was living wasn’t sustainable. Her book, Wellbeing Rituals, grew in part from what she learned: there’s a difference between doing things that look like self-care and actually knowing how to care for yourself. And sometimes that means disappointing people. We talk about people-pleasing and what happens when being loving, helpful and dependable slowly turns into ignoring your own needs. Koya opens up about learning to say no and what happened when people who were accustomed to getting a yes from her didn’t like it. We also get into grief, emotional honesty and why some of the feelings we’re quickest to push away may be trying to tell us something important. Koya shares the rituals she uses to reconnect with herself, and I share some of mine too, including one that leads us into a pretty unexpected conversation about our bodies and what changes when we stop constantly trying to manage or fix them. In this episode, we talk about: How Koya built the life she wanted and still found herself struggling The story behind the vodka in her green juice and what it finally forced her to recognize The difference between practicing wellness and actually feeling well How people-pleasing can slowly pull you away from yourself What happens when you finally set a boundary and someone pushes back Why the emotions we try hardest to avoid may have something important to tell us Stress, nervous system regulation and how they affect the way we feel and connect Koya’s CHBT method and seven areas of wellbeing How to create rituals that actually support you instead of turning self-care into one more thing to accomplish If your life looks good on paper but something inside you still doesn’t feel right, I really want you to hear this conversation. You don’t have to wait until your life falls apart to pay attention to that feeling. And having a lot to be grateful for doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to admit that something is missing, hurting or needs to change. Sometimes we get so busy building the life we think will make us happy that we forget to stop and ask ourselves: Am I actually happy living it? Connect with Koya on her website and Instagram, explore her Wellbeing Rituals tour, and check out Wellbeing Rituals: Science-Backed Practices for Sustainable Healing and Living to go deeper into the practices we discuss. If you’d like to ask a question or get some advice, email [email protected] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com to have your own question answered in a future session. And if grief or loss is part of your story, come find me on my other podcast, Crying Out Loud. I talk with leading experts, healers and people who have lived through profound loss about what grief does to our brains, bodies, relationships and sense of self, and what actually helps us find our way through it. You can find Crying Out Loud wherever you’re listening to The Language of Love. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do you do when your partner keeps telling you they love you and want the relationship to work… but you’re the only one actually doing anything to make it better? You’re the one bringing up what isn’t working. You suggest therapy. You initiate the hard conversations. You try to repair after a fight. You read the books, listen to the podcasts, work on yourself and keep giving them another chance. And they say they hear you. They may even agree with you. But then nothing really changes. That’s the situation Sarah brings to me in this episode, and it raises a question I hear all the time in my practice: How long are you supposed to keep trying when someone says they want the relationship, but their actions tell a different story? Because love does matter. But love alone doesn’t make a relationship work. At some point, your partner has to be willing to help create the relationship they say they want. We talk about how to tell the difference between someone who genuinely wants to grow but is struggling, and someone who has gotten comfortable letting you carry the emotional weight of the relationship. And then there’s the harder question: If you already know this isn’t enough for you, what are you actually afraid will happen if you leave? For a lot of people, that’s where things get really interesting. We stay because we’ve invested years. Because we’re afraid of starting over. Because we hear a clock ticking. Because some part of us believes an unsatisfying relationship is still safer than the possibility of having no relationship at all. In this episode, I talk about: Why “I love you” has to be backed up by behavior How to know whether your partner is actually willing to work on the relationship Why you can’t do enough emotional work for two people The role fear plays in keeping us in relationships long after we know something has to change Why a clear boundary or ultimatum isn’t necessarily manipulation What to say when you need your partner to understand that things cannot continue as they are How to decide when you’ve tried enough If you’ve been carrying your relationship and wondering how much longer you’re supposed to keep trying, I want you to hear this: You don’t have to decide today whether you’re leaving forever. But you do have to stop confusing someone’s intention to change with actual change. At some point, you have to pay attention to what they’re doing, not just what they keep promising you they’re going to do. If you’d like to ask a question or get some advice [email protected] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com to have your own question answered in a future session. And if you want to go even deeper, check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, because you deserve a love that shows up, not one that just talks a big game. And if grief or loss is part of your story, come find me on my other podcast, Crying Out Loud. I talk with leading experts, healers and people who have lived through profound loss about what grief does to our brains, bodies, relationships and sense of self, and what actually helps us find our way through it. You can find Crying Out Loud wherever you’re listening to The Language of Love. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There’s a subtle moment in dating when everything can start to change. At first, you’re paying attention to them. Do I like this person? Do I feel good around them? Are they kind? Interesting? Emotionally available? Do I want to see them again? Then you start to really like them, and suddenly the focus flips. Do they like me? Now you’re checking your phone. Analyzing texts. Wondering why they took three hours to respond. Replaying the date and looking for clues. And without even realizing it, you’ve stopped deciding whether you want them and started trying to figure out how to make sure they want you. That shift matters. Because once being chosen becomes the goal, it’s incredibly easy to abandon your own experience. You can overlook how anxious you feel around someone, make excuses for behavior you don’t actually like, or become so focused on whether you’re enough for them that you forget to ask whether they’re enough for you. And this doesn’t only happen while we’re dating. It’s one of the reasons rejection and breakups can hurt so much. Sometimes we’re grieving the person. But sometimes we’re also grieving the fact that they didn’t choose us, and those are two very different wounds. In this Language of Love Bite, I’m talking about why we can become so consumed with being wanted, what attachment and old relationship wounds have to do with it, and the question I often ask people after a breakup that can completely change the way they see what they’ve lost. Because yes, you deserve to be chosen. But you’re doing some choosing, too. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to recognize when you’ve shifted from getting to know someone to auditioning for their approval Why uncertainty can make you obsess over texts, conversations, and tiny changes in someone’s behavior The difference between actually wanting someone and wanting the validation of being wanted by them Why rejection can hurt even when the relationship itself wasn’t right for you The question I ask after a breakup that can change the story you’re telling yourself How to notice what your own experience is telling you about a relationship How to date without abandoning yourself in the process Whether you have experienced dating anxiety yourself or love someone who has, this episode will help you understand what is really happening beneath the surface and offer practical, compassionate tools to move forward with confidence. If this hits home, follow The Language of Love wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. If someone came to mind while you were listening, make sure to share this episode with them. You can also email me at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com to have your own question answered in a future session. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What if some of what you’ve been told about your sexual body, especially as you get older, is wrong? For decades, women have gone to doctors with questions about disappearing desire, painful sex, orgasm, hormones, and changes they barely recognize in their own bodies. And too often, they’ve left without real answers. Part of the problem is startling: many of their doctors were never adequately trained in female sexual health either. My guest on this episode of Language of Love, Dr. Maria Sophocles, is a board-certified gynecologist, menopause specialist, sexual medicine expert, TED speaker, and author of The Bedroom Gap. She has spent more than 30 years caring for women and challenging a medical system that has historically treated female pleasure as an afterthought. And there is a LOT we need to talk about. Maria takes us inside the medical blind spots that have shaped women’s sex lives for generations, from the anatomy lessons that barely acknowledged the clitoris to the flawed hormone study that frightened millions of women away from treatment. We talk about why Viagra may have inadvertently widened the “bedroom gap,” what women should understand about testosterone, and why painful sex and loss of desire should never simply be dismissed as the price of getting older. We also get into something I wish more women heard: your sexual life does not come with an expiration date. Maria shares why some women are having the best sex of their lives in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, and tells the remarkable story of an 82-year-old patient who finally revealed a desire she had kept secret for six decades. If you’ve ever wondered, What happened to my desire? Why does sex feel different now? Is this just aging? Why didn’t my doctor tell me any of this? This conversation is for you. In this episode, we get into: What “The Bedroom Gap” really is and why it affects far more than libido Why so many doctors receive surprisingly little training in female sexual pleasure How one deeply flawed study changed the conversation about hormone therapy for a generation The unexpected way Viagra widened the sexual divide between men and women What happens to estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone as women age What women need to know about testosterone and why access remains so complicated Why painful sex, low desire, and changes in orgasm deserve medical attention Why so many women fake orgasms and what that can do to their relationships and sexual satisfaction The surgery Maria refuses to perform and the pressure women feel to “fix” perfectly normal bodies Why masturbation can be an important part of sexual health and self-care How to talk to your doctor when you aren’t getting the answers you need Why your best sex may still be ahead of you The unforgettable 82-year-old patient who finally permitted herself to ask for what she wanted This conversation is a reminder that women deserve more than being told to tolerate the changes in their bodies. We deserve information, options, pleasure, and the freedom to keep discovering our sexuality at every age. To learn more about Dr. Sophocles and her work, visit her website and pick up a copy of The Bedroom Gap. She's also available on Audible, and she recommends buying an extra copy, one for yourself, and one for your doctor. If something in this conversation sparked something in you, don't stop here. My website offers more content, tools, and upcoming events to keep the conversation alive. And if a reflection comes up, or you simply want to reach out, I'd love to hear from you. Find me at [email protected]. This episode is for anyone who's ever wondered if it's too late to rediscover themselves and discovered the answer is no. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Few discoveries can shake your confidence quite like finding out your partner watches pornography. Suddenly, it's easy to wonder if you're enough. You start comparing yourself to people on a screen, questioning your body, your desirability, and even your relationship. Even if your partner insists it has nothing to do with you, the hurt can feel very real. But what if the greatest threat to your relationship isn't pornography itself? What if it's the story your mind begins telling you the moment you discover it? In this Language of Love Session, I answer a question from Priya, who recently learned that her partner watches porn and doesn't know what to do next. She doesn't want to control his behavior, but she also can't ignore the insecurity, resentment, and self-doubt that have crept into their relationship and into their sex life. Together, we'll explore why our brains are so quick to compare ourselves to impossible standards, what pornography does and doesn't necessarily mean in a relationship, and how to rebuild your sense of confidence regardless of your partner's choices. We'll also talk about when porn is relatively benign, when it may signal a larger issue, and how to have an honest conversation without shame, blame, or ultimatums. You'll learn: Why discovering porn use can trigger such intense feelings of insecurity The stories we tell ourselves that make the pain even worse When pornography is relatively harmless and when it becomes a relationship concern How comparison quietly erodes intimacy and self-confidence What actually creates lasting sexual attraction in a long-term relationship How to talk with your partner about porn without attacking or shutting down Practical ways to rebuild your erotic confidence and feel desirable again If this episode brings up a question of your own, email me at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com. Your question could be featured in a future episode. And if you're ready to stop second-guessing yourself and start building a more secure, connected relationship, check out my book Sex Magic, take a look at Quantum Love, as well as my Quantum Sex Course available on my website. It's designed to help you break free from old patterns, strengthen intimacy, and create the kind of connection that doesn't depend on comparison or self-doubt. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're with someone you're attracted to. Things are going well. You want to have sex. And then your body doesn't respond the way you expected. Within seconds, your mind starts racing. What's wrong with me? Why is this happening? What is my partner thinking? For many men, the erection )and whether it works or not) isn't the biggest problem. It's what happens next. The self-doubt. The panic. The pressure. The fear that it will happen again. Ironically, those thoughts are often what keep the cycle going. The truth is, erection difficulties are rarely just about attraction, masculinity, or even desire. More often, they're about what's happening in your nervous system. When your brain shifts from pleasure to performance, your body has a much harder time responding naturally. And if you're the partner of someone who's experienced this, it's easy to assume they're no longer attracted to you. In reality, the opposite is often true. Performance anxiety can happen even in deeply loving, highly desirable relationships. In this Language of Love Bite, I explain what's really happening in the brain and body during erection difficulties, why shame and pressure make the problem worse, and what you can do instead. I also share practical ways partners can help create safety, reduce anxiety, and strengthen intimacy, along with a simple practice you can begin using tonight to feel calmer, more connected, and more confident in the bedroom. In this episode, you'll learn: Why erection difficulties often have nothing to do with masculinity, attraction, or desire How performance anxiety activates your stress response and interferes with arousal What happens when your brain slips into "monitoring mode" Why trying to force an erection usually backfires The connection between chronic stress, nervous system overload, and sexual performance How overstimulation can disconnect you from natural arousal Why slowing down can improve intimacy and sexual response What partners can do to reduce pressure and create emotional safety A simple breathwork exercise to calm your nervous system in the moment Practical strategies to rebuild confidence, trust, and connection without shame Whether you've experienced erection challenges yourself or love someone who has, this episode will help you understand what's really happening beneath the surface and offer practical, compassionate tools to move forward with confidence. If you're ready to go deeper, Sex Magic  explores how to work with the body's energy in ways most people never learn, and my Quantum Sex course  is built to help you create lasting confidence and connection, not just fix a moment. For more tools, guidance, and support, visit healwithlaura.com. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What if some of the people we think of as having the most unconventional sex lives are actually having some of the clearest conversations about intimacy? Because kink is about a lot more than whips, handcuffs, or what happens in a dungeon. At its best, it requires people to talk openly about things many couples struggle to discuss at all: What do I want? What are my boundaries? What makes me feel safe? What am I curious about? What am I afraid to admit turns me on? And can I trust you with a part of myself I don’t show everyone else? Those are intimacy questions. And you don’t have to have any interest in kink to learn from the answers. On this episode of The Language of Love, I’m joined by Amanda Dames, known as The Kink Consultant. Amanda is a sexologist, Somatica-certified sex and relationship coach, podcast host, and former New York City dominatrix. And her story is wild. Amanda found her way into New York’s BDSM world almost by accident and eventually became a highly sought-after dominatrix working with powerful, successful men and women. People who spent their days being in charge would walk through her door desperate for something they rarely got anywhere else: permission to stop being in control. Then Amanda’s own relationship to power took an unexpected turn. She met the man who would become her husband at a kink event, and the woman who had built a career being dominant discovered that, with him, she wanted to surrender. But this conversation isn’t really about dungeons or labels. It’s about what Amanda learned inside that world that applies to the rest of us. We talk about why so many of us hide our desires from the person we love most, how shame quietly follows us into the bedroom, and why feeling safe enough to say “this is what I want” can be an incredibly intimate act. Amanda also shares practices from the kink community that I think many couples could benefit from, including negotiating desires and boundaries before sex, checking in during an experience, and having an “aftercare” conversation afterward about what felt good, what didn’t, and what you might want differently next time. And we get into something even bigger: power. Why can surrender feel so freeing for someone who carries enormous responsibility in the rest of their life? Why do some women crave the ability to soften and relinquish control while simultaneously fearing what that vulnerability requires? And what happens when you trust someone enough to show them a part of yourself you’ve been editing, hiding, or judging for years? In this episode, we explore: What “kink” actually means, and why it may be very different from what you imagine What Amanda learned about human desire while working as a New York City dominatrix Why powerful, high-achieving people can crave surrender behind closed doors How Amanda went from being the one in control to discovering her own desire to submit Why people hide fantasies and desires even in otherwise loving relationships How to tell your partner what you want without making either of you feel pressured or ashamed What the kink community gets right about consent, boundaries, communication, and trust The before-and-after conversations that could transform sex for couples who have never set foot near the kink world Why surrender and vulnerability require safety, rather than weakness How to respond when your partner tells you something sexually that surprises you What it takes to feel truly known by another person without editing yourself first You may come to this episode because you’re curious about Amanda’s years as a dominatrix. But I think you’ll stay for a much more interesting question: How much more intimate could your relationship become if you felt safe enough to tell the person you love who you really are and what you really want? To learn more about Amanda and her work, visit her website. You can find her on Instagram where she shares daily insights on kink and relationships, and listen to her podcast, The Kink Consultant Podcast, for deeper explorations of desire, communication, and intimacy. if you felt a spark from today's show, don't stop here. My website offers more content, tools, and upcoming events to keep the conversation alive. And if a reflection comes up or you simply want to reach out, I'd love to hear from you. Find me at [email protected]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices