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Everyone's favorite dysfunctional personality type is back: NARCISSISM. But are we actually helping people understand narcissism, or are we teaching them to label, manipulate, and dehumanize people they find difficult? Today, I'm responding to a viral video from a Christian counselor offering a "7-second test" to expose a Christian narcissist. Her advice? Ask a pointed question, sing "Happy Birthday" in your head, and watch what happens. I have some questions... As a Christian and a licensed professional counselor, I'm concerned about the way narcissism has become a catchall label for anyone who challenges us, struggles with boundaries, or fails to meet our emotional needs. And I'm especially concerned when Christians are encouraged to engage in the very manipulative behaviors they're being taught to recognize in others.In this episode, I examine what's wrong with this approach, explain the developmental wounds that can contribute to narcissistic personality patterns, and introduce the work of psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, whose approach to treating narcissistic pathology centered on EMPATHY. We talk about the difference between understanding someone's wounds and excusing their behavior, why boundaries don't require contempt, and why compassion and accountability must coexist. You can recognize dysfunction without dehumanizing the person. You can maintain boundaries without playing power games. And you can face reality without abandoning humanity. That's what real mental health requires. I'm Vanessa Bentley, a licensed professional counselor and a therapist who hates therapy culture. Around here, we don't do psychobabble. We do good ideas and real mental health. Face Reality. Embrace Humanity. Subscribe for more conversations about psychology, relationships, faith, and the work of being human. Original video: https://youtu.be/PKp2cqaJtK4?si=6kyef7cp7Hd-xuHz Contact us: [email protected] Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vanessabentleylpc

Most of us don’t like conflict. Some of us are afraid of it. Some of us avoid it because we don’t know how to do it well. And some of us have gotten so good at shutting down that we barely register conflict at all. But avoiding conflict isn’t harmless. Over time, the things we don’t say—the hurt we swallow, the disrespect we ignore, the conversations we refuse to have—do something to us. They change our relationships, but they also change us. In this episode, I’m talking about what healthy confrontation actually looks like, why conflict avoidance can quietly erode your sense of self, and why learning to resolve conflict may be one of the most important mental health skills you can develop. And then I’m going back 2,000 years to look at Jesus’ instructions for handling conflict... because when you examine what He actually taught, there’s a remarkably sophisticated understanding of human psychology underneath it. What if conflict isn’t necessarily a threat to a good relationship?What if learning how to walk through it is part of what makes a good relationship possible? This is the Work of Being Human.

What if the way we think about mental health is actually making things worse? In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Sami Timimi, retired child and adolescent psychiatrist, psychotherapist, author, and longtime critic of the medicalization of human distress. And this conversation goes straight to the foundations. We talk about a question I’ve been asking for years: What happens when we take ordinary—and sometimes extraordinarily painful—human experiences and turn them into psychiatric diseases? Dr. Timimi argues that psychiatric diagnoses are not diagnoses in the medical sense at all. Unlike diabetes, cancer, or other medical conditions, psychiatric diagnoses have no objective biological marker that establishes the condition. Instead, they describe collections of behaviors and experiences—and then, far too often, we use the description as though it explains the person. That distinction matters. Because once we believe our diagnosis explains us, we may stop asking deeper questions: What happened to me? What am I responding to? What does my pain mean? What have I survived? What have I learned to believe? And how might my current struggles make sense in the context of my actual life? We also turn the same critical lens toward psychotherapy. Dr. Timimi challenges the increasingly technical model of therapy in which a diagnosis supposedly determines the treatment. Instead, we talk about therapy as fundamentally relational: one human being encountering another, without reducing that person to a pathology or assuming the therapist already knows what needs to be “fixed.” We discuss resilience, agency, suffering, meaning-making, the therapeutic relationship, and why understanding your pain as a reasonable human response may actually offer something the diagnostic model often cannot: Hope. One of my favorite ideas from this conversation is beautifully simple: stories of suffering are also stories of survival. There is always more to you than your pain. And there is always more to a human being than a diagnosis.

We’ve heard about toxic masculinity until we’re blue in the face. But what about TOXIC FEMININITY? In this episode, I’m turning the lens toward us women and asking what happens when the very qualities that make femininity powerful become tools for gaining power over other people. I explore the natural flexibility, responsiveness, creativity, and nurturing capacity of the feminine—and how those strengths can become distorted when we move from responding to reality to trying to control it. Using the Karpman Drama Triangle, I look at three dysfunctional roles we can move between: victim, rescuer, and persecutor. Each one may look different, but all three can become strategies for gaining power in relationships. And women can move between them remarkably quickly: helpless in one moment, morally superior in another, and rescuing someone else... all before lunch! This isn’t an argument against femininity. Quite the opposite. I want women to recover what is genuinely powerful about being female without turning our vulnerability, nurture, emotionality, or adaptability into weapons. Face reality. Embrace humanity. This is The Work of Being Human.

ADHD isn't a good enough explanation... Paul Drayton was diagnosed with ADHD in 2021. Like many people, receiving the diagnosis brought relief. Experiences and behaviors that had confused him for years suddenly had a name.But does giving something a name explain it?In this conversation, I wanted to try something different. Instead of interpreting Paul through the diagnosis, I wanted to understand HIM.So we moved away from the label and into his life.We talked about the sensitive little boy who sometimes escaped the noise of his home. A family where emotions weren’t easily expressed. A teenager whose mind wouldn’t quiet down. Alcohol. Addiction. Creativity. Impulsivity. Relationships. And a deeply human desire to be heard and understood.And the further we moved away from the diagnosis, the more interesting the conversation became.We also examine what we actually know about ADHD, what we don't know, and the difference between identifying a collection of behaviors and establishing their cause.This isn't about replacing one reductive explanation with another.I simply refuse to reduce a human being to one in the first place.Paul is not "ADHD."He is a man with a history, relationships, wounds, strengths, choices, adaptations, longings, and a story still being written.And, like every one of us, he is infinitely more interesting than a diagnosis could ever account for.Paul Drayton is an actor and author of Ride — Or Die Trying.Click subscribe to follow the show!Follow me on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/Follow the show: https://www.instagram.com/theworkofbeinghuman/Paul's book: https://www.amazon.com/Ride-Die-Trying-Before-Laughter/dp/B0HDR233Q9/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.zbHEfHT7LWcK5skFtpnfetf2njpzYJGzMI6RJNu1CPpuD5HHsQjOh90A5MEFcA0xH3moj6EYSJ9y00dLLQ71rHc0ARZH9Qg04Yb57OK4wc8M8guK4rxDGn2jKNsggHDjlb9UXuyUB4xDRErXjDrauCiZ4SnmlsS45HtjoLyljj7cVOd7nU7tGGSGGzPb2zLu5-FPsc6xieqIVkY7LpgxRVYYS0qG-f4kSd5X3tCo9hs.ywH5bmWrV2VuQCVSm_epW66i1Kr9WKadQIPBtYjw5Dg&qid=1789350621&sr=1-1

I’m a therapist who 's had enough of therapy culture! One of my biggest pet peeves with it is the way we’ve turned mental health diagnoses into explanations for human beings. Depression. Anxiety. ADHD. Bipolar disorder. Narcissism. We throw these labels around as though they explain *why* someone thinks, feels, and behaves the way they do. They don’t. A diagnosis tells you the WHAT. It does not tell you the WHY. This week, I’m digging into what psychiatric diagnoses actually are, how they evolved, what we really know about “chemical imbalances," and what can happen when a diagnostic label becomes part of someone’s identity. Your suffering is real. Your symptoms are real. But you are a human being first—and your humanity, your history, your relationships, your pain, and your adaptations deserve to be understood. The label should never take the place of the human being. Follow Vanessa: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/ Follow the show: https://www.instagram.com/theworkofbeinghuman/

It seems like every public controversy eventually divides us into two camps: the people demanding accountability at all costs and the people so focused on suffering that accountability starts to disappear. I call them the Moral Police and the Victim Brigade. But I think both sides are getting something fundamentally wrong. In this episode, I’m looking at the relationship between truth, compassion, and personal responsibility through the lens of mental health. Does understanding someone’s pain make them less responsible for the harm they’ve caused? Does showing compassion mean softening our judgment of what is right and wrong? And if someone really did do something wrong, what is compassion actually for? As a therapist, I believe compassion is essential to healing—but compassion and excuse are doing two completely different jobs. Compassion is about connection, not culpability. It allows me to understand your pain without pretending your choices didn’t matter. In fact, real compassion can create the safety necessary for someone to face what they’ve done, understand why they did it, take responsibility, and actually change. Psychological maturity requires us to hold two truths at once: Truth allows me to say: You did this. It was wrong. It harmed someone. It’s yours to own.Compassion allows me to say: And I will not stop seeing you as a human being while you own it. Truth without compassion becomes condemnation. Compassion without truth becomes enablement. We don’t have to choose between them. In fact, if we actually want human beings to heal, we must have both. This is The Work of Being Human. Follow me on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/ Follow the show: https://www.instagram.com/theworkofbeinghuman/

What does it actually mean to be a strong man? In this episode, I sit down with therapist Trey Tucker of Rugged Counseling to talk about men, masculinity, strength, shame, vulnerability, and the deep need many men have to know that they are valuable—not simply for what they accomplish, provide, or achieve, but for who they are. Trey and I talk about the fear underneath so much male performance: *What if I'm not good enough?* That belief can send men in opposite directions. Some spend their lives achieving, dominating, accumulating, and proving. Others withdraw, play it safe, and avoid the possibility of failure altogether. But underneath both can be the same wound. We also explore what happens when a man begins to heal that wound. What does strength look like when there's nothing left to prove? What does safety mean to a man? Why can vulnerability require more courage than physical risk? And what happens when strength stops being something a man uses to protect himself and becomes something he can offer in service of others? We talk about resilience, the importance of small tests of strength, why men sometimes shut down in relationships, and the difference between being needed for what you DO versus being valued for who you ARE. Because real strength isn't the absence of fear, pain, failure, or vulnerability. It may be the ability to face all of them without losing your heart. Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/ Buy Trey's book: https://www.amazon.com/Tough-Enough-Cultivate-Purpose-Strength/dp/0310370566/ref=sr_1_1?crid=42W7F0TRXNXP&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.U0BPVKGFEwtqPajYP-pHkB_fR0Hz4yccFXDfkqDjWsRx-ckoxASjHukpwEy3cPEY7RGUoREZ6zxQU0_a2bN0uPe2CfiVFjG7xh6yAwcZRIq5ZkOtt_kS9WlT89YH6Bci7GKKdTn3lc01alqUS13M-nGG7UQRfc6raAejWNhxHFC5cd0Uzxu19X2Czk-uhlnikAlHgbIKWu7CkFb1z7Ah60QJFldCUFgjKrVWrxEbwx8.yepO4IOc0nbTdQePMkqgUq-b5oEUlO-CZ0DbzMRQEpo&dib_tag=se&keywords=trey+tucker&qid=1786927194&sprefix=trey+tucker%2Caps%2C167&sr=8-1 Trey's website: https://www.ruggedcounseling.com/

“My truth.” “Follow your truth.” “I’m just speaking my truth.” We hear these phrases everywhere. But what exactly do we mean by truth—and what happens when we confuse our subjective experience with objective reality? In this episode, I’m breaking down why that distinction matters so much for our mental health and our relationships. Mental health isn’t the absence of pain. It’s our ability to live in reality without denial, deception, or distortion—and learn to thrive there. That means reality has to matter, even when it hurts, even when we don’t like what it tells us, and especially when it tells us we’re wrong. I’ll unpack the difference between objective truth and subjective truth, why both matter, and why confusing the two creates serious problems. Your feelings are real. Your experiences matter. Your interpretation deserves to be heard. But none of those things automatically become objective facts simply because you experience them deeply. We’ll also look at what this does inside relationships. So many conflicts become unnecessarily destructive because two people are arguing over whose subjective experience gets to become the reality. Instead of learning the other person, we demand agreement. Instead of saying, “This is how I experienced it,” we insist, “This is what happened.” There’s a better way. We can learn to speak precisely. We can distinguish what we know from what we feel, remember, interpret, or believe. We can honor someone else’s experience without surrendering reality. And when reality shows us that we’re wrong, we can simply say it: I was wrong. Because mental health requires a commitment to two things: face reality and embrace your humanity.

What does it really mean to be mentally healthy? In this conversation, I sit down with mental health advocate Gabe Howard, of the well-known Inside Mental Health and Inside Bipolar podcasts, to explore one of the biggest questions facing our culture today: How should we understand mental illness? Gabe shares his deeply personal story of being diagnosed with bipolar disorder after waking up in a psychiatric hospital at 26 years old. Together, we talk about what that diagnosis meant to him, how it shaped his identity, and why hope—not hopelessness—became the turning point in his recovery. Along the way, we wrestle with some difficult questions: What is the difference between mental health and mental illness? Are diagnoses permanent identities, or can people genuinely heal and grow? Why are terms like OCD, ADHD, anxiety, and trauma used so casually today? What happens when our beliefs about ourselves become disconnected from reality? How do childhood experiences shape the stories we tell ourselves as adults? As a therapist, I also offer a different lens than diagnosis alone. Rather than beginning with symptoms, I ask, "Tell me everything." I believe understanding a person's story often reveals far more than simply naming a disorder. We discuss: The difference between diagnosis and case conceptualization Why context matters in understanding suffering How shame distorts our thinking The role of attachment, identity, and early family dynamics Why memory can become fragmented when we're living in survival mode The importance of telling our stories honestly—and having someone who is willing to listen Whether you agree with every perspective we discuss or not, my hope is that this conversation invites you to think more deeply about mental health, healing, and what it means to become more fully human. If this episode encouraged you, I'd love for you to subscribe, share it with someone who might benefit, and join the conversation in the comments.

A recent Wall Street Journal article about adults cutting off their parents has reignited a conversation that's happening everywhere—in therapy offices, on social media, and around family dinner tables. So when is going no contact the right decision, and when might it actually keep us from growing? In this episode, I explore the difference between abuse, toxicity, hurt, and disappointment—and why those distinctions matter. I share why I've recommended estrangement only twice in fourteen years as a therapist, how I define abuse, and why I believe our culture is losing important nuance when everything becomes "abuse" or "trauma." I also talk about something deeply personal: the mistakes I made in my own family relationships after years of therapy. I expected the people around me to grow with me, and when they didn't, I became frustrated and resentful. What ultimately changed my life wasn't getting everyone else to heal—it was learning to grieve the relationships I wished I had, forgive what could never be repaid, and accept people for who they truly were. If you're wrestling with whether to distance yourself from a parent, if you're a parent whose child has cut off contact, or if you're simply trying to navigate complicated family relationships with wisdom and grace, I hope this conversation gives you a framework that is both compassionate and grounded in reality. Because healing isn't about creating a perfect family. It's about learning to live truthfully, setting healthy boundaries where they're needed, and growing into the kind of person who can face reality without losing hope. In this episode, we discuss: Why "if" and "when" are two very different questions.The difference between abuse, toxicity, hurt, and unmet emotional needs.When no contact is appropriate—and when it may not be.Why forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.How grief often becomes the path to acceptance.Why emotional maturity means growing in compassion, humility, and reality—not simply expecting everyone else to change.As always, my hope is to help you face reality, embrace humanity, and find freedom in truth. For a deeper take on how to heal a family system, listen to "How to Heal a Family": https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-vanessa-londino-podcast/id1555914519?i=1000660044672

Most people think therapy is about reducing anxiety, managing depression, or learning better coping skills. Those things matter—but they're only the beginning. In this episode, I walk through the four levels of healing that I believe every person should understand. From symptom relief and emotional regulation to personality reorganization and the restoration of personhood, I explain how healing deepens over time and why every stage serves a purpose. I'll help you identify where you are in your own journey, what growth looks like at each level, and how to know whether your current therapeutic work is helping you move forward. Along the way, I share personal stories from my own healing, discuss the importance of secure attachment, explain why some therapists are equipped for deeper work than others, and describe why I believe the highest aim of therapy is not simply symptom management—but the restoration of the human person. Whether you're currently in therapy, considering it, or simply interested in understanding yourself more deeply, I hope this conversation gives you both a roadmap and hope. In this episode we discuss: The four levels of healing and how they build on one another Why symptom relief is only the beginning Emotional regulation, boundaries, and changing the way we think How trauma shapes personality—and how personality can change Secure attachment and what it actually feels like Why deep healing requires patience, trust, and skilled guidance The difference between changing your behavior and restoring your personhood Why I believe the goal of therapy is to help us become fully human As always, healing begins by facing reality and embracing our humanity. Follow Vanessa: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/ Follow the show: https://www.instagram.com/theworkofbeinghuman/

Why do some regrets stay with us for years while others seem to fade? Why do guilt and shame continue to shape the way we see ourselves long after the moment has passed? In this episode, I explore why survival often changes us, how the strategies that once protected us can become our identity, and what it actually takes to make peace with our past. Freedom doesn't come from denying what happened, excusing ourselves, or pretending we're over it. It comes from facing reality honestly while embracing our humanity. Together, we'll explore the difference between guilt and shame, why they're often confused, and how learning to separate our actions from our identity creates space for responsibility, compassion, forgiveness, and lasting freedom. If you've ever wondered whether your worst moments define you—or if you're carrying guilt or shame you can't seem to put down—this episode offers a practical way to begin making peace with your past. In this episode: The difference between guilt and shame Healthy shame versus toxic shame How childhood survival strategies become lifelong habits Why your coping mechanisms are not your identity How to make peace with your past without denying it Why facing reality and embracing our humanity leads to freedom Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessathetherapist/ Podcast: https://www.instagram.com/theworkofbeinghuman/ Send us an email: [email protected]

What if anxiety and depression aren't always the problem—but symptoms of something deeper? In this conversation, I sit down with psychotherapist and founder of The Collective, Courtney Grimes, LCSW, to explore a dimension of healing that our mental health system often overlooks: social health. We talk about why so many people make tremendous progress in therapy, only to "face plant" when they return to their everyday lives. Healing isn't just about understanding yourself—it's about learning how to thrive in relationships, families, workplaces, and communities that don't revolve around you. Together, we explore: Why loneliness may be one of the biggest drivers of anxiety and depression. The difference between mental health and social health. Why therapy should prepare us for real life—not just the therapy room. How to build resilience without living in an echo chamber. Why disagreement isn't the same thing as danger. The growing problem of emotional cutoffs, polarization, and tribal thinking. How healthy boundaries allow us to stay connected without losing ourselves. Why true resilience requires agency, adaptability, and the courage to engage with people who see the world differently. If you've ever wondered why healing sometimes feels incomplete, this episode offers a compelling answer: we don't just heal as individuals—we heal as members of a community. The work of being human isn't simply becoming healthier ourselves. It's learning how to be healthy with other people. Have a show idea? Send us an email! [email protected]

What if better mental health has less to do with controlling life and more to do with encountering reality? After returning from Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Parks, I realized this wasn’t just a vacation—it was an education. The wilderness exposed habits I carry every day: chasing experiences, avoiding fear, relying on quick answers, and comparing reality to expectations. Along the way, nature became one of my greatest teachers. In this episode, I share four unexpected lessons from the American West that changed how I think about courage, anxiety, presence, and the way we navigate life: Borrow courage when fear isn't telling you the truth.Stop chasing experiences and start encountering reality.Learn to read a trustworthy map instead of depending on someone else's GPS.Stop comparing life to the pictures and experience it for yourself.We also explore why social media fuels anxiety, how efficiency can become an emotional escape, what Yellowstone taught me about worldview, and why true mental health requires orienting ourselves to reality—not fighting it. Sometimes the greatest lessons don't come from a therapist's office. Sometimes they come from mountains, rivers, silence... and a moose at a boat dock. In this episode, we'll tackle: Why fear isn't always realityThe difference between tourists and travelersHow chasing experiences robs us of presenceWhat Yellowstone taught me about anxiety and comparisonWhy your worldview is the "map" you live byHow nature points us toward humility, truth, and GodWhy mental health begins by orienting ourselves to realityIf this episode encouraged you, I'd love for you to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a fresh perspective on what it means to live well.