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It’s fourth down and fangs out for the North Bend High School football team. Joey Clift joins us for the conclusion to Dark Side of the Noon. After Buff accidentally kills Postmaster Charlie with a remarkably powerful BB gun, Milton leads a forensic investigation to prove Charlie was a vampire, thus making the murder totally chill. Meanwhile, Tekanii investigates the presence of Russian vampires in the area, and starts by questioning his mortal enemies: The Otter Men. At the table, Brent wins the game thirty minutes early by choosing his favored tree for the final battle. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Buff McBicep: Joey Clift Milton T. Snazzwhimper: Geoffrey Golden Tekanii: Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: When the story was rejected as a Halloween episode of Northern Exposure, the writer then pitched it as a Christmas episode of Northern Exposure. He was then fired from the writing staff of Northern Exposure and wrote this movie.

Forget Friday Night Lights. This is Friday Night Bites! Comedian and TV writer Joey Clift joins us for Dark Side of the Noon. It's the winter solstice and the darkest day of the year in North Bend, Alaska. A tiny town with a secret, but most importantly a football game to win - that is until the rival team turns vampire. Now the town's only hope is dimwitted jock Buff McBicep, his coach/history teacher/cryptid enthusiast Wiley Pete, and local nerd Milton T. Snazzwhimper. At the table, Brent wonders what kind of pilot ratings creatures of the night might have. Geoffrey discovers he had a little Gary Gygax living in him the whole time. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Buff McBicep: Joey Clift Milton T. Snazzwhimper: Geoffrey Golden Tekanii: Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: The film’s writer initially pitched this story as a Halloween episode of Northern Exposure.

“You must be status and you must be quo, because I hate your f**king guts.” —Your adorable family cat, probably Joan Ford joins us for the decidedly-adult children’s movie A Pilgrimage of Pets! Faced with certain incarceration in the pound, Avril and Kingy make a run for it to the woods, leaving Mae to fend for himself in the county pound. At the table (sort of), we watch helplessly as a motion picture editor misses precious moments in his young children’s lives because he has to repeatedly blur out a dog’s anus. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Avril: Joan Ford Kingy: Geoffrey Golden Middle-aged Ecclesiastes (Mae): Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: Based on his work in A Pilgrimage of Pets, the film’s Assistant Editor was hired to work on Human Centipede.

We did it, everyone. We made the most R-rated children’s movie ever. Comedian and TV writer Joan Ford joins us for A Pilgrimage of Pets! Three lovable pets are about to go on the adventure of nine lifetimes. At a music festival in Northern California, Kingy the idiot bloodhound, Mae the stuck-up kitty, and Avril the anarchist duck stay out partying, p**sing and sh**ting all night. When they wake up, their owners are gone and they have to find their way home. At the table, Patrick makes Brent roll on whether or not cats understand the concept of musicals. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Avril: Joan Ford Kingy: Geoffrey Golden Middle-aged Ecclesiastes (Mae): Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: It might seem easy to get a dog and a duck to literally fill a Mercedes Benz with p**s and s**t, but it actually took animal trainers months of work to get that shot.

If you ever encounter a giant, man-eating blob, consider scatting at it to make it go away. Robin Higgins joins us for part two of The Goo! When parasitic goo monsters threatens the city, Theo, Trina, and Bland Beige do what all heroes would do: take a sexy shower together for, uh, safety reasons. Then, they fight the monster using the power of collegiate a cappella. At the table, Patrick maybe impresses New England listeners and definitely bores everyone else with his knowledge of Boston landmarks. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Trina Tara: Robin Higgins Theo Silverplum: Geoffrey Golden Bland Beige: Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: The day after filming the sexy shower decontamination scene, the entire grip department called out “horny” from work.

None of this would have happened if we'd built the evil secret lab under a Shoney’s. Comedian, author, and science educator Robin Higgins tolerates our bunk science in this episode’s movie: The Goo! Ooze-nithologist Theo Silverplum and nondescript government bureaucrat Bland Beige investigate an exploded Friendly’s family restaurant. The culprit… Goo! From space? Probably? Scientist Trina Tara, as smart as she is busty, warns that dark matter is involved. At the table, everyone professes their undying love for the little wooden puzzles at family restaurants. Brent is shocked no one’s heard of the K-car. It’s the car that saved Detroit, people! Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Trina Tara: Robin Higgins Theo Silverplum: Geoffrey Golden Bland Beige: Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: The actor who played Bland Beige went missing three times during filming, simply because he blended into the background of the sound stage and no one could find him.

There can only be one (butt cheek sawed off). Cartoonist Lars Kenseth joins us for the thrilling conclusion to Tartans of Forever! Three immortals, Grok, Skirm, and Morcant have been ambushed in 1980s NYC. Their long-time enemy, fellow immortal Campbell Stornoway, has sent the NYC Butcher’s Guild to kill them in the only way you can kill an immortal: By sawing off a singular butt cheek. Now Grok, Skirm, and Morcant have to hold on to their butts in a very literal sense. At the table, Geoffrey is astonished to learn that some guy named David Dinkins was actually mayor of NYC once. Brent refuses to heal himself so he can instead make an elaborate rat plan. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Skirm Isher: Lars Kenseth Grok Winthrop: Geoffrey Golden Morcant: Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: David Dinkins in no way approves this message.

The IP lawsuits are temporary, but the laughs are immortal. So we’re ripping off Highlander. Cartoonist Lars Kenseth joins us for Tartans of Forever! In the year 1356, three immortals met during a war in Scotland. Grok, a caveman who loves business, Skirm Isher, a pikeman who is great at holding poles, and Morcant, a plague doctor/snake-oil salesman, become besties! Now they’re living it up in 1980s NYC with nothing to fear but coke residue on their business cards. Oh, and also, the immortal commander they betrayed in 1356. He’s still around too. At the table, Brent throws some of the worst rolls ever, predictably resulting in snakes everywhere. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Skirm Isher: Lars Kenseth Grok Winthrop: Geoffrey Golden Morcant: Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: All of the Scottish tartans in this movie are really just strategically placed flannel shirts “borrowed” from the cameramen.

If the plastic ball pit at your child’s birthday party doesn’t get melted into molten plastic by hot alien hands, is it even a real party? Ian Abramson joins us for part two of Hard E’s Big Adventure! Duncan and Maggie try to hide Hard E, an alien visiting Earth, at their local Hardee’s by covering him in fast-food takeout bags and passing him off as an attendee at Amanda Jessup’s birthday party, until the NASA Special Investigations Unit shows up with major firepower. At the table, Ian reveals that, historically, Ronald McDonald was a literal trash person. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Hard E: Ian Abramson Duncan Punchnugget: Geoffrey Golden Maggie Burniston: Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: For tax credit reasons, all scenes set at a Hardee’s were actually shot at a Tim Horton’s in Vancouver.

It’s like if E.T. was wet, scaly, fascinated by hate, and sponsored by a fast food corporation. Comedian Ian Abramson joins us for Hard E’s Big Adventure! Aspiring bully Duncan Punchnugget and astronomy-club member Maggie Burniston witness a UFO landing. Out pops Hard E, an alien who wants to learn about humanity’s anger and sadness. But Duncan and Maggie will have to keep their new friend safe from the NASA Special Investigations Unit, mostly so Duncan can beat up Hard E himself. Also the whole thing is sponsored by Hardee’s? Not really. It’s a bit. But Hardee’s, if you’re reading this, we’ll absolutely consider a real sponsorship. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Hard E: Ian Abramson Duncan Punchnugget: Geoffrey Golden Maggie Burniston: Brent Butler Your Director: Patrick Baker Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano Sound Design: Adam Baker Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod MOVIE TRIVIA: Hard E’s costume was so slimy the costumer dropped it on a dirty floor and didn’t clean it because “it gave the suit character.”

Please listen. They have my daughter. If you don't listen to the trailer for Season 3 of Worst Movies Ever Played, the comedy actual play podcast where the hosts make up bad movies on the spot, I fear what will happen to her. New episodes start today! Oh no, they're coming back!!!

While we're in "post-pro" on our third season of Worst Movies Ever Played (coming soon!), here's a bonus made-for-TV style movie called Sunset House from the mid-80s horror anthology series Stories Related to and Generally Concerning the Graveyard. Percy, an encyclopedia salesman, and Kushy, a van-loving vagabond, are amateur supernatural investigators who come upon a legendary haunted house. No one who stays the night survives until morning, and when the house traps Percy and Kushy inside, they soon learn why. This special episode is a crossover with Shelterwood, an upcoming 16 episode docu-horror audio fiction series about a missing girl, an impossible suburb, and the American dream. Shelterwood is written and produced by our story editor Stephen Indrisano. Check out Shelterwood's Indiegogo campaign and delve into the mystery. CREDITS Your Director: Stephen Indrisano Percy Marsten: Patrick Baker Kushy: Geoffrey Golden Story Editor & Sound Design: Stephen Indrisano FOLLOW Twitter Instagram Facebook @ItsPatrickBaker @GeoffreyGolden @BrentLButler Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games. Movie Trivia: The house used as the main shooting location was owned at the time by Kojak star Telly Savalas. In the background of the kitchen are a box of lollipops.

In the thrilling conclusion of A Hot Night In CyberDallas, Ronnie Fax-Machine and Paramnesia face off against Major Lazer, a Jamaican cyborg killing machine that is, strangely enough, not musical in any way. At the table, Brent adds a dimension of sexy realism to the Cyberpunk genre by pondering the electrical and plumbing layouts of an office building in 2044. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Your Director: Patrick Baker Ronny Faxmachine: Geoffrey Golden Father Paramnesia: Brent Butler Story Editor: Julian Mundy Sound Design: Adam Baker FOLLOW: Twitter Instagram Facebook @ItsPatrickBaker @Geoffrey Golden @BrentLButler Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games. MOVIE TRIVIA: In the script, the name of the company is spelled "Texus Instraments," making them invulnerable to lawsuits.

In part two of A Hot Night In CyberDallas, Ronnie Fax-Machine and Paramnesia continue to work their way up the Texas Instruments tower, fighting back against the big calculator lobby with biblical holograms and plain old violence. At the table, Geoffrey and Brent finally figure out that they can search the bodies of enemies for clues. Patrick learns that his Jamaican accent is so bad, they should hire an actor to play an NPC Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Your Director: Patrick Baker Ronny Faxmachine: Geoffrey Golden Father Paramnesia: Brent Butler Story Editor: Julian Mundy Sound Design: Adam Baker FOLLOW: Twitter Instagram Facebook @ItsPatrickBaker @Geoffrey Golden @BrentLButler Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games. MOVIE TRIVIA: The holographic Bible violence in the film was cited as the primary inspiration for Pureflix.

In 2044, the megacorporation of Texas Instruments and its CEO, TJ MacCune, lords over all of CyberDallas. Ronnie Fax-Machine, a veteran of Texas Instruments’ human fax program, is on a quest to make the company resume tech support for human faxes. Paramnesia, a holo-priest, believes that Texas Instruments has killed God. Together, they team up to break into the Texas Instruments tower. At the table, Patrick fights (and loses) a battle with a cardboard box flap. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer. CREDITS: Your Director: Patrick Baker Ronny Faxmachine: Geoffrey Golden Paramnesia: Brent Butler Story Editor: Julian Mundy Sound Design: Adam Baker FOLLOW: Twitter Instagram Facebook @ItsPatrickBaker @Geoffrey Golden @BrentLButler Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games. MOVIE TRIVIA: The film was adapted from a newspaper article about a man who ate faxes at a local fair.