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The final installment of the Most Asked Question In BDSM is here, and no, that question is not: am I dominant or submissive, what should I learn about kink first, or is BDSM, D/S, and kink safe? In fact, this part of the question's answer asks: Are you ready to dance? So put on your dancing shoes, waltz to a comfy spot, and press play.

It’s back! The most asked question in BDSM and kink. The question is small, just seven words, maybe even simple, but the truth is, this little question is deep. So deep that this episode builds on the last one. While the last episode explored opening the door, and this is about keeping your balance; no slipping or falling once you have walked in. So grab your headphones, get comfy, and press play today.

What is the most asked question in BDSM? It’s not: Am I dominant or submissive?What should I learn about BDSM first?Is BDSM, D/S, and kink safe? It is a bigger question than you think, so I am breaking it into thirds, and the first step? Well, that’s gotta get your foot in the door, and while it sounds easy, the tricky bit is understanding how to do it.

When it comes to exploring kinks, everyone makes mistakes, so don’t look at the title and think “Oh god, here is a lecture on mistakes.” Look, this is not a lecture, a stern talking-to, nor another list of BDSM and kink red flags.  What you will discover is that I took the time to go down the rabbit hole of research to find fifteen of the most common faux pas in BDSM, D/S, and kink. It doesn’t matter if you’re “mint in box” but curious, a lifestyle veteran who can’t remember where the box is, or someone who’s read a zillion kink guides, kink consent guides, and chats about BDSM, bondage, and D/S all the time; this episode will bring a fresh perspective you can use on your kink journey.

BDSM local communities: some say you have to get involved, while others will tell you just the opposite. So where does the truth lie? Find out in this episode. Plus, how to fine-tune your Instagram feed and take back control from the algorithm.

What would change about dominant and submissive roles, community standards, and the language of kink if one person got to decide? This episode breaks down common myths about D/S dynamics and what modern kink communities actually value. It is a lighthearted look at serious thoughts; it does not mean nor imply there is one true way.

D/S contracts: some swear by them, but others will not touch them. Why? Find out what they are, what makes them a must-have, a hard no, or a maybe; so you can decide for yourself. So grab your earbuds, get comfortable, and press play. No contract required!

What on earth do these have to do with D/S? A Lighthouse FoghornAn old house This episode hits the road, visits a lighthouse, shows you around and ties it all back to D/S, just not with sexy rope. Apologies in advance, I forgot to factor in the angle of the sun but beauty is in the imperfections.

Do you know what an iconic actor from these movies: The Godfather, Apocalypse Now, On the Waterfront, A Streetcar Named Desire, and The Wild One brought to BDSM that is still part of the lifestyle today? Have you ever heard how Harley-Davidson and the United States government created a staple in early BDSM groups? Or that Satyrs, the part-man and part-beast, deities in Greek known for being wild, lustful companions of Dionysus, helped lay the foundation of modern BDSM in the States? Press play and find out the answers and why some would like to erase this knowledge.

People come and go in the world of BDSM, D/S, and kink. Some flex in, pull back, and return. Others leave and never come back. This episode looks at why people step away from the lifestyle, especially online, what brings some of them back, and why pausing is a legitimate path rather than a failure.

CNC, consensual non-consent, is one of the most searched terms in BDSM right now, and that kind of search volume means there are a plethora of questions that defining the acronym cannot answer. Is it a safety framework like SSC or RACK? Is it something deeper than that? How does it actually work inside kink and D/S relationships, and why are so many people drawn to it?

When it comes to consent violations in BDSM, D/S, and kink, it can almost feel reflexive for those with experience to point their fingers at those who are new or less experienced. Not only that, but this ‘blame game’ often papers over the lifestyle’s much deeper and dangerous problem; hint, it is not just BDSM gone wrong like spanking too hard. However, Negative Nellie did not take over the podcast because the lifestyle does some amazing things right with consent, too. Discover what you must know about one of BDSM’s biggest challenges as well as what it is getting right, all backed by theresearch. Oh, and that research, it is all listed here if you want to take a deep dive. Content warning: Heavy topic, SA, discussed. Sources: Bowling, J., Wright, S., Stambaugh, R.J., Gioia, D., &Cramer, R. (2020). Consent Survey 2020 Report. National Coalition for SexualFreedom. https://ncsfreedom.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Consent-Survey-2020-report.pdf Fanghanel, A. (2020). Consent violations and community normsin BDSM spaces. Sexualities. https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460719828933 Dunkley, C. R., & Brotto, L. A. (2020). The role of consent in the context of BDSM. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research andTreatment, 32(6), 657–678. https://doi.org/10.1177/1079063219842847 Harris, E. A., Morgenroth, T., Crone, D. L., Morgenroth, L.,Gee, I., & Pan, H. (2023). Sexual consent norms in a sexually diverse sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 53, 577–592. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02741-0 Tarleton, H. L., Mackenzie, T., & Sagarin, B. J. (2024).Consent norms in the BDSM community: Strong but not inflexible. Archives of Sexual Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-024-03038-6 Klement, K. R., Sagarin, B. J., & Lee, E. M. (2017).Participating in a culture of consent may be associated with lower rape-supportive beliefs. Journal of Sex Research, 54(1), 130–134. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1168353 Wismeijer, A. A. J., & van Assen, M. A. L. M. (2013).Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(8), 1943–1952. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23679066/

Oh, you’re curious about or into BDSM? You have a mental disorderYou must be unhappyYou had a traumatic childhood You’re dominant? All that means is you cannot take no for an answer. Oh, I’m sorry, you’re actually submissive? Well, that is just kink slang for someone who cannot make decisions. There are so many myths and misconceptions when it comes to mental health and BDSM, D/S, and kink. These often hurtful fallacies do more than just sting in the moment; they can causesomeone to not embrace a core part of who they are. Plus, they are so common that it is easy to come to believe there must be truths attached to them. This episode dissects the myths using peer-reviewed research, and I promise it is not a boring psych lecture. Find out what the research actually tells us! Please note: While this covers some of the common misconceptions about mental health and BDSM, this is by no means a complete list. The research reflects patterns across populations, not a universal experience. Individual journeys vary, and that is worth acknowledging. Sources: Wismeijer, A.A. and Van Assen, M.A. "PsychologicalCharacteristics of BDSM Practitioners." Journal of Sexual Medicine (2013) 10:1943 Lecuona, O., Martínez-Barajas, O., Gimeno-Martín, A., et al."Not Twisted, Just Kinky: Replication and Structural Invariance of Attachment, Personality, and Well-Being Among BDSM Practitioners." Journal of Sexual Medicine (2025) 72(6):1079-1108 Sagarin, B.J., Cutler, B., Cutler, N., et al. "HormonalChanges and Couple Bonding in Consensual Sadomasochistic Activity." Archives of Sexual Behavior (2009) 38:186-200 Brown, A., Barker, E.D., Rahman, Q. "A SystematicScoping Review of the Prevalence, Etiological, Psychological, and Interpersonal Factors Associated with BDSM." Journal of Sex Research (2020) 57(6):781-811 Holvoet, L., Huys, W., Coppens, V., Seeuws, J., Goethals,K., and Morrens, M. "Fifty Shades of Belgian Gray: The Prevalence of BDSM-Related Fantasies and Activities in the General Population." Journal of Sexual Medicine (2017) 14:1152-1159 Pliskin, A.E. "Social and Emotional Intelligence (SEI)in BDSM." Journal of Positive Sexuality (2018) 4(2):48-55 Jansen, K.L., Fried, A.L., and Chamberlain, J. "An Examination of Empathy and Interpersonal Dominance in BDSM Practitioners."Journal of Sexual Medicine (2021) 18(3):549-555

In BDSM, D/S, and kink, collars are typically thought of as a symbol of commitment between a dominant and submissive, but there is another type of collar that is a symbol of dedicationand is growing in popularity. Would you be surprised to learn this collar does not need a dominant? How can a submissive be collared without a dominant? Why would a submissive want this?Find out these answers and more in this episode. Listen now and discover how self-collaring can be an act of radical growth and empowerment.

Just how far back do you think the roots of BDSM, D/S, andkink go? Were the Romans into D/S? What about Victorian times? Could Heathcliff and Catherine been ‘kinky’? Have you ever wondered how modern kink communities got started or how did people into BDSM connect before DMs, texting, and the internet? Unless you know Doc Brown or have a DeLorean with afunctioning flux capacitor, this episode will answer all those questions plus explain how military surplus motorcycles and leather jackets laid the foundations for modern kink communities.