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“Well, I’m back… with the guys from Ringheads, finishing up the movie trilogy!” Slight paraphrase of Sam’s closing words, we’re sure Ronny Tolkien would approve. The ring’s destroyed, the war is over, Frodo’s back home at Bag End, but he ain’t happy. He’s busy editing and finishing Bilbo’s written work, Christopher Tolkien style. We break down what happens to him and all the other characters after the story concludes, “end credits from Animal House” style. We also discuss the Grey Havens, and our boy Círdan (the Shipwright, not Círdan the Groundskeeper or Círdan the Deli Manager). And we talk about what comes next, for Middle-earth and Ringheads… something about grey rain curtains and silver glass. Thanks for joining us on the journey there and back again, look for us at the turn of the tide!

The ring has been destroyed! And the lads have taken Eagle Express back to Minas Tirith. Now it's time for reunion, celebration, awkward jumping on beds. Then onto the coronation of that king, who, as the title promised, has returned. His first official act: make out in public with his elf fiancé. The Hobbits are honored, and on their way home. Also: we talk about the Scouring of the Shire, not included in the movie but a BIG part of Da Book.

Here we are, at the end of all things... almost. Sam and Frodo make the final push up Mount Doom, with a guest appearance from an old pal! Meanwhile, the Captains of the West charge the gates of Mordor, and Aragorn faces off with a troll that was gonna be Sauron but then it wasn’t (it’ll make sense if you listen). And we dig into the old controversy about The Eagles - not the band, though they come up too.

Let’s spend some time in beautiful sunny Mordor! This section is all about Sauron’s place. Inside, poor Frodo and Sam practically crawl to the Mount Doom, badly needing some Gatorade. Outside the gate, Aragorn tries to rally the Men o’ the West despite his vocal limitations. But to be fair, he looks great! Special guest star: the Mouth of Sauron, whose skincare routine is NOT working.

After the big battle, our heroes spend some time in the Houses of Healing… and Love? Meanwhile Frodo’s a prisoner in the Tower of Cirith Ungol, where there’s very little Healing and even less Love. Samwise the Strong to the rescue! Shagrat and Gorbag fight over clothes and we get into the “politics” of being an Orc in Mordor. Aragorn has a plan and Gimli farts in Denethor’s chair, just as the prophecy foretold.

This section begins with an army of unstoppable Mûmakil crushing everything in their path and ends with big mountains of dead Mûmakil. So a lot happens. Including: Gandalf gets all cute about Death; Aragorn finally shows up with his army of pestilential dead guys; Gimli and Legolas resume their whimsical murder contest; plus the Witch King of Angmar gets a bit too cocky and winds up becoming the Bitch King of Angmar. (P.S. justice for the Mûmakil! They never asked for this!!)

Sam finds Frodo wrapped in his cozy web sleeping bag. Wake up, lazy! We meet the infectiously-named Shagrat and Gorbag. Things are looking bad in Minas Tirith: fireballs and Gothmogs and Oliphaunts, oh my. Gandalf faces off with the Witch King (...of Angmar, not Cleveland) and we break down how that moment differs from “da buk.” All in all, we have a great time burning like the heathen kings of old.

Oh sure, we talk about some relatively obscure Silmarillion-based stuff in this episode, like the origin of the Light of Eärendil that Galadriel gives Frodo back in Lothlórien, and the legendary half-elven hero behind it. And of course, we check in with the Rohirrim as they make their way to Minas Tirith and talk about unsung hero of the book, Ghan Buri Ghan. But this ep is dominated by one thing: a giant damn spider. Shelob has arrived! So this is the Giant Spider Episode.

The siege of Gondor is fully underway. Faramir gets dragged - literally, by a horse, not by us this time! Gothmog struts his stuff outside the gates of Minas Tirith and has a lot of fun doing it. We can’t help but like the guy. Head-a-pults, launch! Gandalf takes charge and goes full Donatello with his staff. We also talk about Prince Imrahil, the Corsairs of Umbar, and the great and glorious GROND.

Emo Aragorn is still acting weird at Eowyn. Theoden’s having big mood swings. Nobody wants to take Merry anywhere. Minas Tirith politely waits to be attacked. The Pirates of the Caribbean show up. Gimli stars in his own goofy sitcom. Special guest star: millions of skulls!

Faramir leaves Minas Tirith to face doom while his mean papa Denethor CONTINUES TO EAT. Rohan musters next to a spooky mountain full of g-g-g-ghosts! Eowyn gives Merry some war gear and he flips out like the kid from A Christmas Story getting a Red Ryder BB gun. And Aragorn has a tense conversation with his father-in-law-to-be in Theoden’s surprisingly snazzy travel tent.

"The Age of Men is over. The Time of the Orc has come." So says Gothmog, the doughy-faced Lieutenant of Minas Morgul and regular Fox News pundit. And jeez, does he seem to be right, based on this section of the movie: cherry tomato junkie Denethor sends his only remaining son to certain death; a bunch of soldiers from Gondor get Nazgul-ed while others polish their fancy armor and pine for Rohan to save them. Meanwhile Gollum engineers a rift between Frodo and Sam. All while still wearing... that loincloth. That horrible goddamned loincloth.