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The chase continues across the spaghetti junctions of the M6. Can Gavin and Chip escape the lorry that's been tailing them or will they be pushed off the road to face a fiery death on the hard shoulder.   Geoff the Baker advises that there could be some confusion with the small print about him on the last episode, and would like to point out that he is not a vampire, he just enjoys merlot.   Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.  Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .   www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk   #britishcomedy #comedyseries #ukcomedy #storytelling #comedyvideo #funny #catnoir #scary #silly #surreal Buy the Creeping Jazz novel here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ ------------------------ SCENE FOUR: LOCAL GARAGE Gavin and chip are inside the shop. Mr Boombastic, the owner, is behind the counter. Gavin throws some items before him. There is horrible shop music playing.   GAVIN: Here you go mate. MR BOOMBASTIC: One a penny, two a penny, hot crossed buns. GAVIN: What? You? How are you here. I met you in the last garage I went to. 50 miles ago. MR BOOMBASTIC: What. I own this garage and only this one garage. Not a second garage. Just one. Right here. You are standing in the only garage I own as I do not have a second one. GAVIN: Glad you made that clear. Thank you. We've met before. MR BOOMBASTIC: We have not. GAVIN: I know you, you sing. MR BOOMBASTIC: I don't normally do that, but if you want me to, I will. Prepare yourself for an aural onslaught. GAVIN: Talk about déjà vu. MR BOOMBASTIC: I do not know that song. The only French song I know is 99 red balloons. GAVIN: That's German. No, I mean we met this morning and had this same conversation. MR BOOMBASTIC: My brother owes a garage like this fifty miles away. He also likes to sing. Although, of course he can't. He will tell you that he wants to be on TV. (plugs in a microphone) I do not want to be on TV but I do, have the voice of (with reverb) an angel. GAVIN: Yes, certainly something that's died. Hey, Chip, come here! CHIP: What? GAVIN: You won't believe this.   Chip walks to the counter. He places items on the counter throughout the next exchange.   MR BOOMBASTIC: Chip? CHIP: Hello. MR BOOMBASTIC: No, I was offering you a chip. CHIP: Oh. That just happens to be my name too. MR BOOMBASTIC: My name isn't chip. CHIP: (sighs) This guy is hard work. GAVIN: Says you. CHIP: What does that mean? GAVIN: You are Mr Hard work city. CHIP: I'm not a place where people live mate. MR BOOMBASTIC: And neither am I. Although my middle name is Potter's Bar. GAVIN: I do sometimes wonder if I'm trapped in some kind of comedy series. CHIP: Hmm. As the straight man. GAVIN: Yes. What? CHIP: Gonna grab some snacks.   Chip wanders off and starts throwing bags of sweets onto the counter.   MR BOOMBASTIC: Very funny. This friend of yours Mr Chips. He knows what is right and wrong. GAVIN: Mr Chips? MR BOOMBASTIC: Yes, sorry… what is Mr Chips doing? GAVIN: I don't know. Say what you see. MR BOOMBASTIC: He is putting bags and bags of sweets on my counter. He is filling up the whole counter. Now he has filled the middle square. Is he going to buy them? CHIP: It's a good guess, but it's not quite right. Gavin's going to buy them for me. He owes me after I saved his life AGAIN. GAVIN: I don't think that's true and I'm not buying you sweets. MR BOOMBASTIC: I would buy him sweets if he saved my life. GAVIN: Well you are not me. Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On his way to a job interview in Birmingham, Gavin Walters picks up a hitchhiker, unaware he is being followed by a lorry eager to get his attention. Can they escape before they are forced to eat at a two-star motorway service?   Geoff the Baker occasionally enjoys a little glass of red.   Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.  Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .   www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk   #britishcomedy #comedyseries #ukcomedy #storytelling #comedyvideo #funny #catnoir #scary #silly #surreal Buy the Creeping Jazz novel here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ --------------- SCENE FOUR: LORRY CAB We hear a lorry following Gavin. Inside the cab there is terrible music playing on the radio. The DJ talks over the music.   DJ (Over the radio): You're listening to Big Lorry FM. Fairly middling music for those behind the wheel of a two-ton truck. Be careful driving those streets today, the summer is hot and unforgiving. I always wear a hat to protect my head. You need to protect your head, as it's where most of us keep our brains, however, not all of us, and talking of the royal family…     Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As the story becomes increasingly unfocussed due to sloppy writing, Kev and Matt finally learn the truth of The Pie Man.   Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast   Geoff the Baker said he’ll be back when we stop mocking pies. So, next week.  www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Pie Man strikes again, leaving a helpless town to become more pastry than people. Will he succeed in his diabolical schemes, or will everything turn to crust and crumbs?   Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast   No word from Geoff the Baker yet, but we’ve left messages.  www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hide your children. Flush your pets. Lock away old people. The Pie Man has come to town. And he won’t be leaving until he knows everyone’s favourite recipe.   Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast   Geoff the Baker is co-incidentally out of town.  www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Whilst running a session, a therapist is surprised to discover he is actually the patient. However things take a really strange turn when another therapist arrives.   Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.  Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast . www.catnoircomedypodcast.org.uk   #britishcomedy #comedyseries #ukcomedy #storytelling #comedyvideo #funny #catnoir #scary #silly #surreal Buy the Creeping Jazz novel here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Novel-Story-Creeping-Jazz/dp/B0GHJQJCKZ   Geoff the Baker is trapped inside a bag, inside a box, inside a bag, inside a box, that's inside a bag, that's inside a box, wrapped in a bag, that might be in a box, in a bag, in a box, in a boxed bag of boxes, hidden in a box of bags, bagged up in a box… look, let's just cut to the chase here. Geoff needs help, send it now! Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are you hungry for more whelk-based action? Then join us for a nature-runs-amok story that critics are already calling: “the third whelk-based tale in a whelk-based trilogy”.   Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .  Geoff the Baker is no longer baking cakes for fish. It was a stupid idea that resulted in some very messy fish tanks. Do NOT feed cake to fish. Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The whelk selling industry might be booming, but can a single humble whelk seller maintain monopoly against a rising sea of competitive business? Join us back on the promenade to find out.   Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com - Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast   Geoff the Baker wishes to clarify that although he does not do fishcakes, he will bake cakes for fish if required. Sorry for any confusion. Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How much do you really know about the high-pressure business of whelk selling on a seaside promenade? Whatever your answer might be, things are all about to change…   Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Social media management by Laurie Stone. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast   Geoff the Baker does not do seafood. Not even fishcakes. Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mr Godwin is looking for love. Unfortunately he is looking for it on an app provided by his new next door neighbour who has built a casino in his loft. Can Mr Godwin beats the odds to find love before the council offices open on Wednesday or has he had his chips?   Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .   Geoff the Baker spins right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round, round, round. But he hasn't thought this though, and is now dizzy. ______ SPIV: Previously on Cat Noir…   Short summary of the last episode over the end version of the CAT NOIR THEME   SPIV: Cat Noir presents… Dates are not the only fruit. Written and performed by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.   SCENE ONE: Restaurant Mr Godwin is in a restaurant with a variety of females. The scene plays as a montage with Mr Godwin doing a voiceover with no background sounds on those lines.   MR GODWIN: (Voiceover) I started to use the app, just as my neighbour had shown me. After months of not getting any matches, I changed my profile picture to that of Brad Pitt. Again, another useful suggestion from next door. Suddenly I was matching with someone new every day. However, I never realised dating could be so hard…   MISS DYSON: …so I said to them, "you'll never take me alive coppers!" MR GODWIN: I don't condone gun violence or disrespecting the law. MISS DYSON: Don't worry I didn't kill anyone that time. MR GODWIN: That time?   MAMA: Come to me baby. MR GODWIN: I'm not sure this is appropriate in a public place. MAMA: Sit on my lap and lick my face. MR GODWIN: I think I've left the gas on. I better hurry home. MAMA: Oh dear. Once you turn the gas on, there is no way to stop the pressure in the pipes. If you get my drift. MR GODWIN: I'm not sure I do. MAMA: You can't just turn the gas on and then off straight away. You will need to do some cooking. MR GODWIN: Right. Erm… What… What are we cooking? MAMA: Anything. The gas is on full and I am boiling in the pan. MR GODWIN: I don't understand. MAMA: I'm dripping over the side and streaming up the room. MR GODWIN: I really do need to leave.   GORMLESS: I'm a maid in a county house and I'm Gormless. MR GODWIN: You're what? GORMLESS: Gormless. That's my name sir. MR GODWIN: Please don't call me that. Try Philip. GORMLESS: Yes Mr Philip sir. MR GODWIN: I'm sure your profile said your name was Trixie. And it's just Philip. No sir. GORMLESS: I don't use my real name on the app Just Philip, no sir. You can never be too careful. There's a lot of weirdos about. MR GODWIN: Indeed. GORMLESS: I do hope this date is taking place before the Bumpkin Manor episodes, or I'm dead. Now there's a funny thought. Have you ever dated anyone who might be dead?   MR GODWIN: (Voiceover) I'd had enough. There is only so much one can take. I headed back home to visit my neighbour.   SCENE TWO: The casino Mr Godwin is in Spiv's house. He continues his voiceover, but it is clear he has been relaying this information to Spiv.   MR GODWIN: After that date, we had another a few days later. I thought everything was going well. Then she never replied to any more of my messages. SPIV: Sounds like she's ghosted you. MR GODWIN: My god. I hope she isn't dead. SPIV: Nah. Ghosting. She's not an actual ghost, she just decided not to continue talking to you. MR GODWIN: Well, why didn't she say that? SPIV: Just the way it works governor. You chat, go on a date then never speak again. MR GODWIN: She could have just said she didn't want to chat anymore. SPIV: It's the way dating is in this day and age. Don't worry, there's plenty more fishfingers in the sea. MR GODWIN: I chatted to one lady for a whole week. Every ten minutes, message after message, then when I suggested we meet up, she said we didn't have a connection. Listen in to get more... Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mr Godwin can't get any rest, as his new neighbour is making too much noise, so he turns to his old friend Agony Aunt to find a solution. Will the council help before Mr Godwin is forced to seek the advice of MC Hammer?   Written, performed, produced, directed and edited by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Come find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast .   Geoff the Baker has good neighbours. Just a friendly wave each morning, helps to make a better day. ------------------ SCENE ONE: Mr Godwin's front room We are in the front room of perennially annoyed Mr Godwin. There are muffled but loud construction sounds coming from next door. Mr Godwin is on the phone but we can only hear his side of the conversation.   MR GODWIN: (on the phone) So it's been going on for two weeks now… yes, two weeks. (pause) Well, I'd like to know what you are going to do about it. (pause) So there's nothing you can do? Right. (pause and then incredulously) You suggest I call who? (pause) The police or the council! I haven't got time for that. I thought, as you had phoned me to try and scam me out of my life savings, that maybe we could come to some arrangement where I release the equity on my house and you, in turn, deal with my noisy neighbour. (pause) Hello! Hello! Ah… I can't hear you anyway.   Construction sounds are now too loud, so he ends the calls.   MR GODWIN: Right. Time for my favourite programme. Just pop the TV on.   Mr Godwin turns on the TV and we hear CAT NOIR THEME   MR GODWIN: Cat Noir presents…   The theme and voiceover can barely be heard… there is too much construction work happening.   MR GODWIN: I said, Cat Noir Presents… Home under… I best shut these windows.   Mr Godwin shuts two windows. The construction sounds are still too loud.   MR GODWIN: I still can't hear myself think. I'll shut the doors too.   He shuts two doors and the sounds abate.   MR GODWIN: That's better. Now, where was I. Oh yes. Cat Noir Presents… Home under the hammer.   The sounds increase again with new equipment being used.   MR GODWIN: (shouting) Written and performed by Kevin Chilvers and Matt Sanders.   The sounds have stopped but Mr Godwin hasn't noticed.   MR GODWIN: (Still shouting) I think I'll make some tea. SPIV: (OOV - next door) Keep it down mate. Some of us are trying to rest. MR GODWIN: Right. I've had enough of this. Two weeks this has been going on. Two weeks.   He opens the lounge door and exits the home through the front door, crossing the shingle drive to his neighbours house.   SCENE TWO: Doorstep - next door At his neighbours, Mr Godwin rings the doorbell. The door opens.   SPIV: Yes. Oh hello. MR GODWIN: Oh no. Not you. SPIV: What. I've never met you before. MR GODWIN: Yes you have, loads of times. My house got invaded and we fought the intruder off together with the help of a lost boy. SPIV: (Pause) No. I think I'd remember that. MR GODWIN: You ruined my Christmas. Twice. SPIV: Did I? MR GODWIN: Hmm. What are you doing next door? SPIV: I'm your new neighbour. Hello bunk buddy. MR GODWIN: (flustered) Yes, well… what? Bunk Buddies we are not. Neighbours we are. SPIV: (in Yoda voice) Speak like Yoda, you do. MR GODWIN: I do not, no. (throws hands up) Ah. Look what you've turned me into. SPIV: A cheap star wars knock off. MR GODWIN: No. A moaning neighbour. SPIV: Well, stop moaning and go back to your own house then. MR GODWIN: I won't and I have questions. SPIV: Hit me then. I meant metaphorically, don't actually strike my face, I'm very attached to my features. MR GODWIN: Why are you making so much noise? SPIV: Easy question. I'm having something put into my loft. MR GODWIN: What? SPIV: A casino. MR GODWIN: A casino? Listen in to hear more Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Filthy, frazzled, foul-smelling, and largely friendless in a world too big to make sense, Stargazers Bundy and Ted are faced with some difficult choices in their quest to return to normal size. Part 4 of a 4 part story.   Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast   There has been a recall on Geoff the Baker’s new four layer triple chocolate éclair cheesecake pies. If you have one, please do not eat it. There will be no further announcements regarding this product.   Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With the butterflies disgruntled and woodlice chomping on the floorboards, Stargazers Bundy and Ted hope for more promising answers from the return of Tim the ladybird. Meanwhile, elsewhere, the greenfly don’t seem too happy. Part 3 of a 4 part story.   Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast   Following multiple announcements, Geoff the Baker’s new four layer triple chocolate éclair cheesecake pie has attracted a lot of attention from the media and hospitals.   Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With a whole new perspective of the observatory floor, stargazers Bundy and Ted meet some of the wildlife and learn what they really think about humans. Part 2 of a 4 part story.   Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast   Geoff the Baker proudly announces that his new four layer triple chocolate éclair cheesecake pie is now available. Come to think of it, the first announcement last week probably wasn’t required.   Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Stargazers Bundy and Ted are in for a fun surprise at the hands of a strange new mystery parcel, which comes complete with incredibly vague instructions. Part 1 of a 4 part story.   Written, performed, produced, directed, and edited by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. Some sound effects sourced from www.zapsplat.com Find us on Instagram @catnoirpodcast   Geoff the Baker proudly announces an upcoming announcement about a new four layer triple chocolate éclair cheesecake pie. Stay tuned for further announcements. Cat Noir is a character based, fully scored, British comedy series trapped within a podcast. Every fortnight, follow the fortunes or misfortunes of an ever growing cast of characters played by Matt Sanders and Kevin Chilvers. There will be action, adventure, drama, high and low stakes with huge doses of comedy. Where the silly and absurd sit side by side in the shade. #BritishComedy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.