Advertise on podcast: Crappy Castles

The boys make a dungeon for seven tortle bards named Sheldon. (We call that a bardzinga.) For some reason, they decide that the best course of action is to get these turtleboys in a pop music showdown called MORTAL KONCERT! Plus: Adron intro! Fancam lessons! Ian tries being a jerk! Travis is hungry again! 🏰 RE: RE: Royals & Royals Game Night CANCELED Coworkers- We regret to inform you that our annual Royals & Royals Game Night has been canceled. Someone snitched and apparently Raumtheran Roulette is against company policy. Your bets will be refunded to you as soon as we hear back about some investments. Huzzah, R&R HR

The boys come up with some vegan friendly bosses to satisfy any adventurer with a septum piercing. No word yet on the gluten content though. Plus: limosteeds, dandylions, and ensorceled tents of smothering. Want your own rush of bosses? Email a prompt to wellmet@crappycastles.com 🏰 RE: RE: hi GREETINGs EMPLOYEe! :)))))) I AM THe PTO TROLL! new rule: ALL EMPLOYE MuST solVE my RIDDLES THREEE if taking VACATIONS. if you NEED ME i will be sleeping IN PARKING DECk. thank YOU! luv u :0 PTOT

Travis and Ian practice daddyhood with a listener request for a kid-friendly dungeon! Plus: tetanus checks, kenku shaming, and flasks of dish soap for a very slippy slide. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: wellmet@crappycastles.com 🏰 RE: RE: DO NOT CASH OUT (NOT A THREAT) You may have heard that our humble adventure architecture firm landed a big enough whale to keep us all in silk pajamas for the next few hundred eons! But Mr. Royals wants to stress that this is NOT THE TIME to sell off your company bonds. He wants to stress the great danger that may befall you and everyone you know if you were to cash in those sweet, previously worthless investments, and then he clarified that this is not at all a threat. But then he winked at us, and held up a machete. Speaking of which, our Mixed Messages 101 seminar will be happening on the 14th floor this Fourthday at 11PM. There will be wet chicken wraps and souvenir machetes. Huzzah, R&R HR

When should you put shopping in your adventure? According to Ian and Travis, the answer is: all the friggin' time! Listen to this pro bono pod for some FREE tips on adding micro, macro, and regular transactions to every single session. Plus: dungeon bathroom attendants, scarf roulette, and the importance of buying high and never selling. 🏰 Email wellmet@crappycastles.com to have your letter ready on the show!

DM Box is a special, mostly out-of-character cast just for patrons! If you want more episodes of DM Box, join the Crappy Castles Patreon today: https://www.patreon.com/crappycastles

IT'S TAX TIME! And Royals and Royals Adventure Architecture have to spend money to save money by creating a ton of business expenses very, very quickly. Ian suggests spending the gold safeguarding their dungeons. Travis suggests very much like... the complete opposite of that. And it's a dynamic like that that can keep a podcast going for two, maybe three more episodes! Plus: influencer dragons, timey wimey explosions, and a couple hundred omelettes. 🏰 RE: RE: A.B.S. (Always Be Shredding) As a potential tax audit looms, it has come to our attention that some of you have been filing financial documents in a very organized, easy-to-rifle-through manner. Mr. Royals wants to stress that there should be no document undestroyed at this company. Once you have gleaned the necessary information, prestidigitate that thing to the ninth circle of hell. Huzzah, R&R HR

Can I interest you in some minimap sprinkles? Travis and Ian come up with some stellar side quests to punch up your overly involved campaign, including a fetch quest for a beholder's contact lens! Just in case your D&D narrative was moving TOO QUICKLY. Plus: Ian's got new pants, Adron's got new paychecks, and Travis is pissed about pretty much all of it. 🏰 RE: RE: The Kids Are Alright (We Think) Parents who were taking part in the new Royals and Royals Tower of Tots program: we regret to inform you that your kids have somehow activated the runic portals, and are scattered across multiple planes. The good news is, wow! These are smart kids! That puzzle was made for semi-competent adults! The bad news is we are struggling to solve the puzzle ourselves to go get them back. So if you are an experienced cryptographer, please respond ASAP. Huzzah, R&R HR

🍀 MAY THE LUCK OF THE ORCISH SMILE ON YA! 🍀 Travis and Ian go on a futuristic journey set in the scary cyber-port city of Beantown, MA. Including such futuristic locales as SHIPYAHDS and DIVEBAH. Plus: Murphy, Molly, and a protestant, Prius driving snake. (Adron also made a really good quiz song that you're gonna have to hear to believe.) 🏰 RE: RE: I Hate That Dirty Water We're getting a lot of compliments on the green tap water and green toilet bowls and green twenty story lobby fountain, but be warned: we did not dye anything! We have no idea why the water is green! USE AT YOUR OWN RISK! Sláinte! R&R HR

Hop on the eclair canoe and take a terrible trip on the corn syrup seas! And make sure to take your insulin shot while you're at it because this is a much crueler Candyland than you're used to. Plus: Ian tries to steer Travis away from his crippling sugar addiction, Travis attempts to dive nose first into a pile of pixie stix, and Adron continues to be the Necco-white backbone of the show. 🏰 RE: RE: Replacement Royals? Dear employees, It has been weeks since our president, leader, and mandatory guardian Travis Royals was caught in the break room with his hands, feet, and green orcish a** in the cookie jar(s). Our rangers are doing their best to find him, but we believe the cookie jars may still be attached to his feet, making tracking terribly difficult. So, if you believe you have the right height and screw-you charisma to play the big man, we have a client meeting coming up tomorrow and we need someone to fill his loafers. (Bonus: they light up!) We will supply the green face paint and before you call us problematic, remember, it's your paycheck we're saving. Huzzah, R&R HR

Kitty in my dungeon and I want to touch it! Travis and Ian craft the perfect adventure to run with an all tabaxi party, complete with fits, sits, and the fanciest of feasts. Plus: dosed Gogurt, the dunes of Purrakis, and Ian invents a really cool hand gesture that nobody has done before. 🏰 RE: RE: Still Searching for Wire Gremlins Employees, apologies for the ongoing hardware issues. We continue to search for the wire gremlins at Sir of the Hills insistence, but none of the countless tomes that we have scoured have any mention of it. We have decided to call four spectral exterminators that say they can trap the gremlins, but their exorbitant fees mean we have to cancel the birthdays of all employees with a first name that starts with D. Our apologies to: D'arantha Dillon Dilda Diddy Donkey Dwayne D'wayne Dw'ay'n'e and, we almost forgot, Dre Huzzah, R&R HR

Break a leg! Or several! Travis and Ian are writing a hit play based on the book series "A Song of Ice and Fire". The only problem? They don't know what that is. Plus: frozen jerky, extremely fungible tokens, and a look at Ian's feetnotes. 🏰 RE: RE: A Cease of Crows. A Dance with Desists. To all employees scheduled to participate in the upcoming musical production of FIRE & ICE: A DANCE OF THEM—the performance has been canceled until further notice. A very angry dwarf in a very interesting hat is claiming ownership and has sicced the wolves (figurative AND literal) on us. Apparently he has nothing else going on. Our legal team has advised that we don't speak of the matter, but Mr. Royals insisted we send this email. You can find him crying in his green room. Huzzah, R&R HR

Ever wanted to build a one-shot like the big dogs??? Then look elsewhere! Travis and Ian are telling you literally everything they know about building a great adventure, and for at least one of them, it ain't much.