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In this episode, I talk about why leaving a relationship built on coercive control almost never happens the way people expect it to, in one clean break that sticks the first time. I get into the departures nobody counts: the afternoons spent sitting in a parked car working up the nerve to call a lawyer or a coach, the conversations that started with "I can't do this anymore" and somehow ended with me apologizing while he sat there in tears.  I share my own experience with a partner who could turn any attempt to end things into a referendum on his feelings, and I explain why the good stretches in a relationship like this tell you what someone is capable of performing rather than what they've actually changed. I also unpack why confusion, more than fear or sadness, is often the clearest sign that something is wrong. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon In this episode, I break down something that confuses almost everyone who has loved a person with personality pathology. We assume that if someone caused real harm, some part of them would know it. I explain why that assumption is usually wrong, and what impaired self-awareness actually looks like from the inside of a disordered mind. I walk through the defense mechanisms that protect a person from ever feeling the shame that would normally lead to change, including denial, minimization, and projection. I also talk about why explaining yourself or providing evidence rarely works, even when your reasoning is airtight. If you've ever wondered how someone could cause so much pain and still seem to feel fine, this episode will help you understand the psychology behind it. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon I'm sharing a pattern from my own past relationship with a partner who had borderline traits, the slow erosion of any separate identity, where a walk to pick up my daughter became a negotiation and a boundary became proof I didn't love him. I break down why explaining yourself never works in this dynamic, what I call the "fake repair" cycle, and why mapping the pattern on paper changed everything for me. I also talk about why healing sometimes means accepting you'll be the villain in someone else's story. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon I've been listening to Stefanos Sifandos for years, long before this podcast existed. I first came across him through Mark Groves during the stretch of my life when I was busy diagnosing everyone around me, and something he said pushed me to flip the question from why this person does what they do to why I keep attracting people like them. I still have the notebook where I wrote it down. When I told him about it, he added a second question that landed even harder: why do I stick around? In this episode we talk about the ideas in his book, Tuned In and Turned On (Hay House). Stefanos explains what he calls the delusion of awareness, which is the belief that being able to recite your pattern and trace it back to your childhood means you've done something about it. We get into how he defines a trauma bond and why intense sexual chemistry so often keeps those relationships going, including the fight-and-make-up cycle that feels like repair but never actually produces any. He also explains why wounds that formed in relationship have to be worked through in relationship, and what a small first step looks like for someone who is using work to avoid an unhappy home. I asked him how he works with a couple when only one person is willing to look at themselves. His answer was "with great difficulty," and I was honestly relieved to hear it, because it matches what I've seen. You can find his book at tunedinandturnedonbook.com and apply to coach with him at coachwithstef.com. He and his wife, Christine Hassler, run Be The Queen, a three-and-a-half-month program for single women that begins in late October, with a free webinar series beforehand.  Be The Queen Program: https://to102.isrefer.com/go/lm/a295/?utm_source=partner&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=a295 Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon In this episode I look at why confusion, not fear, is often the clearest sign that a relationship is built on coercive control. I walk through four patterns that show up again and again: the gap between how someone behaves in private versus in public, the shift from talking about impact to litigating intent, direct distortion of what a person saw or heard, and boundaries that get reframed as emotional injuries against the other person. I explain why confusion works in favor of the person causing harm, since it lets them keep control of the relationship while still looking reasonable to everyone outside it. I also talk about what happens when this pattern follows someone into separation and custody proceedings, where there is rarely a clean incident to point to, and why that absence does not mean nothing happened. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon In this episode, I'm answering a question I get asked constantly: are they trauma bonded to me too? People ask this when the person who hurt them starts falling apart after a breakup or after being told no. The panic, the pleading, the sudden self-awareness. It can look like proof that the relationship was mutual, that maybe both people were caught in the same storm. I will work through what is happening and how it looks the same as attachment, dependency, or the panic that comes from losing access to someone who regulates you. I'll get into what abusive people are actually bonded to, why their distress doesn't cancel out what they did, and why the question isn't whether they're hurting. It's what they do with that hurt. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon This week I'm joined by Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.org (Betrayal Trauma Recovery), an organization that has supported over 9,000 women navigating a partner's lying, gaslighting, infidelity, and manipulation. Anne shares her own story of spending seven years and seven therapists trying to understand what was happening in her marriage, and what finally helped her see the truth. We talk about why couples therapy so often fails women dealing with a partner who lies, why the search for a diagnosis (narcissist, sex addict, and so on) can actually delay a woman from trusting her own reality, and why "he's confused" is one of the most common and most dangerous excuses offered to victims. Anne also shares the framework behind her workshop, which helps women determine, with real clarity, whether their partner is telling the truth. If you've ever been told you're too sensitive, too reactive, or too quick to see abuse where it isn't, or if you've sat through couples counseling with someone who is actively lying to you, this episode is for you. Connect with Anne Blythe: btr.org btr.org/podcast Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon In this episode I talk about why emotionally abusive and coercive controlling relationships feel so disorienting, and why you end up spending so much time trying to decode behavior that was never actually confusing to begin with.  I explain why the through line in these relationships is power and control, not love or stress or a bad day, and why intermittent reinforcement is what keeps you hooked and doubting yourself.  If you have ever felt like you were losing your mind in a relationship that everyone else seemed confused by from the outside, this episode is for you. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon This episode is a reframe. If you have already learned what a trauma bond is and how it forms, this is not that episode. This is about the specific pain of healing from one, and why that pain is so often misread as grief when it is actually withdrawal. I walk through the difference between grieving something real and healthy versus craving a chemical response your nervous system was conditioned to need. If you are in the stage where you know something is wrong but cannot make yourself leave, this episode is for you. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon Someone recently asked if I'm dating, and my honest answer was "traumatized." In this episode I talk about why that word fits better than a simple yes or no, why a recent connection activated me so quickly, and why my nervous system goes numb instead of excited at the thought of dating. I get into how healing recalibrates the way we read people, why familiar can feel safe even when it isn't, and why real consistency can feel boring at first. I also talk about the messy middle of healing, the part most people want to skip, and why it's actually where the real work happens. If you want support working through any of this, you can find me at emotionalabusecoach.com. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Sponsored recommendation: Listen to The Determined Society with Shawn French Sponsored recommendation: Sacred Grit on Amazon I break down why parallel parenting is a communication strategy built specifically for high-conflict dynamics, not a failure of one. I talk about what it actually looks like in practice: handling your own parenting time independently, limiting contact to essential topics, and removing the opportunities a high-conflict co-parent uses to twist your words or pull you into chaos. I also get into why this matters for your kids. Children don't need both homes to mirror each other. They need at least one that's emotionally predictable, and that predictability helps them regulate, trust their own instincts, and understand that love doesn't have to feel confusing or conditional. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

Najwa Zebian returns for a second conversation, and this one picks up exactly where the first left off. Her new book, The One Who Broke You Can't Heal You, comes out August 25th, and we talk through what it actually means to take responsibility for your own healing without slipping into self-blame. We cover why setting boundaries with controlling people tends to make things worse before it gets better, why an apology from the person who hurt you will never be the thing that fixes you, and why closure has to come from inside rather than from a conversation you're still waiting to have. Najwa also explains her thinking behind the book's first chapter, Closure Is a Myth, and why she believes you're never getting your old self back, and why that's not actually a loss. Website: https://najwazebian.com Books: https://najwazebian.com/books Podcast (Beyond Words): https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/beyond-words-with-najwa-zebian/id1827674653 Instagram / TikTok / Facebook / YouTube: @najwazebian Pre-order / order The One Who Broke You Can't Heal You: https://amzn.to/4v4rgit Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

In this episode I break down pattern blindness, one of the least talked about reasons survivors stay stuck in self-doubt. I explain why family court and even well-meaning friends tend to evaluate coercive control one incident at a time rather than seeing the system those incidents create together. I talk about my own experience trying to name what was happening in a past relationship, why the cycle of tension, rupture, and reconciliation keeps hope alive, and why documenting the pattern matters so much in custody proceedings. If you have ever wondered whether you were overreacting, this episode will help you understand what your nervous system already knows. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

In this episode, I return to the angry daughter — but this time, I look at what happens when she tries to love someone. The survival skills that kept her intact in her family of origin are the same ones that quietly work against her in relationships. She over-functions. She holds everything together. She mistakes someone's performed pain for depth, and she chases validation in ways she can't always see while it's happening. This episode is personal, and I'm not writing from some resolved place on the other side. I'm writing from inside it — still learning that I'm allowed to want things, still figuring out what it looks like to stop disappearing so love can fit. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner

In this episode, I reflect on what it actually means to be the angry daughter — the scapegoat, the truth-teller, the one who names what others refuse to see. Drawing from my own childhood and my experience as a mother, I trace the way systems assign their tension to one person, teach her not to trust herself, and then use her exhaustion against her. This episode is for anyone who has ever been told that their reaction was the problem, that their clarity was the threat, or that their limits were a character flaw. You are not the problem. You are the person who finally stopped pretending otherwise. Support the show *Please Note: there is a long intro that explains my services. If you do not want to listen, just fast-forward 5 mins past. This intro will be changed in future recordings to be shorter. I am not paid to record this podcast and it is a free offering. Offering my work is the only way I can sustain the podcast* Join the Patreon: https://patreon.com/Youarenotcrazy *New Course*: Unhooked: Map the Cycle of Abuse in your Relationship Website: Emotional Abuse Coach and high-conflictdivorcecoaching.com Instagram: @emotionalabusecoach Email: [email protected] {Substack} Blog About Recovering from Abuse {E-Book} How to Break Up with a Narcissist {Course} Identify Signs of Abuse and Begin to Heal {Free Resource} Canned Responses for Engaging with an Abusive Partner