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Today, I’m getting pretty personal about things I experienced in my childhood and how trauma informed my parenting. We’ll also talk about some ways to feel better and heal from traumatic experiences in your past. You’ll Learn: How trauma in your childhood can impact your parentingMy story of childhood trauma and healingHow learning the language of feelings is like talking about waterWhy healing your trauma and taking good care of your nervous system is so important for your kidsHow to start your own healing journey Please note, this is a really emotional episode, for me and possibly for you listening. If you feel stressed, embarrassed or overwhelmed at any point, please stop reading or listening, and take care of yourself. --------------------------------------- My best friend, Tiffany Howsam, is here with me today. Tiffany is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified life coach. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years, and she has created a safe place for me and been a big part of my healing and parenting journey.    How Trauma Informed My ParentingWhen my son Lincoln was 4 years old, he was having major meltdowns, getting in trouble at preschool and being aggressive. And I was screaming all the time. There were times that I felt like a victim, like I was being abused by my son. When I told Tiffany this, she explained that it was not normal to feel this way and that I didn’t have to continue feeling this way. That is when I realized I needed some help.  One of the first parenting workshops I attended was also my first experience with inner child work. I realized that when Lincoln was being aggressive, I felt like I was in danger, being attacked.  As a result of my adverse childhood experiences, I never really felt safe in my body, environment or relationships. Everything always felt dangerous, so I was constantly seeking security and a sense of control.  I tried to find the rules of how I was supposed to live, and it often showed up as perfectionism. I wanted to crack the code on everything - figure it out so I could do it “right” and be safe.  This trauma also showed up for me in the form of eating disorders, people pleasing and a high sense of vigilance,  When I had kids, there were so many decisions to make, and I didn’t feel like I knew the right answer to any of them. And when it came to behavior, I didn’t know how to not yell at them. So I’d yell. Then I’d feel ashamed and beat myself up, tell myself that they were bad. When you don’t have good parents, you actually don’t know what else to do. There’s no template to follow. As parents, we can have the best intentions. Then, we’re triggered and an old wound or stress response comes back up, and we’re in it, doing the thing we don’t want to do.  There are so many things I went through that I wanted to protect my kids from. I made their emotional health my #1 parenting goal, which meant that I lowered my standards in other areas. I just wanted them to feel safe and held and cared for.    How I’m Healing From Childhood TraumaThere are several choices I made and strategies I used over the past 15-ish years to help me out of the trauma response, overreactivity and toxic stress.  A lot of my childhood stress came from growing up in an unpredictable environment. When I was a kid, I never knew what was happening. There was so much confusion, and nobody talked to me about it.  As a mom, I became really focused on not having chaos in our family. I wanted everything to be simple and flow smoothly. When my kids were young I was doing a lot of healing work, and I needed routines...

In order to feel less stressed (and stop yelling), you've got to learn to understand and care for your nervous system.  You’ll Learn: The two parts of your nervous system and how they work togetherWhy managing your stress is so importantSignals that you’re in a stress responseSome of my favorite mini stress resets (and where you can get a list of them for free) I’m zooming out to talk about the bigger picture of your entire central nervous system. And I’ll show you how you can use your own nervous system to calm yourself more quickly. ------------------------------------------- Your Nervous System ExplainedThere are two main parts of your nervous system. The first is your sympathetic nervous system. You might also have heard this talked about as your fight/flight/freeze/faint/fawn response). The second part is your parasympathetic nervous system, which includes the vagus nerve.  The two parts work together to help you respond to stressful situations and then decrease that stress response, kinda like a teeter totter. One is activated at a time, while the other is decreased.  Think of your nervous system as an information highway running through your body at all times. It takes in information through your senses and tells the brain how to respond to what you are experiencing. Neurons (brain cells) carry this message all throughout your body.  If your brain interprets any of this information as dangerous, it triggers your stress response and activates the sympathetic nervous system. To your brain, a threat can be something like a kid spitting in your face or getting a bad grade or spilling juice all over the table. Stress juice floods your body, giving you the oomph to respond to the danger.  When your stress response is activated, there is a period of time where you aren’t able to regulate your nervous system. When that threat has passed, you start to come back online and your parasympathetic nervous system comes into play.  The parasympathetic nervous system is your best friend when it comes to managing your stress response. It has its own network of nerves and helps relax your body after periods of stress or danger.  It typically activates on its own after a stressor, but when we have triggers coming at us all the time (like in parenting life), it gets weakened and doesn’t respond as well. That’s why you need tools to reset the system on your own.  When we talk about calm and taking pause breaks to reset, the parasympathetic nervous system is the piece that we’re resetting.    Chronic StressYour stress response is healthy and necessary. But often, our brains misinterpret things (like spilled juice being a life-or-death emergency). Parenting is a lot. What ends up happening is that you have a lot of demands and stressors coming at you one after the next, and you don't always have enough time to recover from them. This causes us to be chronically stressed. We constantly have stress juice pouring through our bodies, and it makes it really difficult to stay calm. This is what’s going on when you find yourself getting angry and annoyed about every single thing your kid does. You’ve probably been in an activated stress response for a while, so you are dysregulated.  As a mom, you’re dealing with stressors all day long, especially if you have more than one kid. But there are little breaks in between. Our goal is to practice getting ourselves into the parasympathetic nervous system so that we can more easily recover from stress. We want that teeter totter to go easily up and down so that we flow smoothly between the two states of stress and non-stress.  The way to do this is to...

I want to let you in on a little secret. You don’t yell because there’s something wrong with you (or your kids). You yell as a response to stress and what your brain perceives as a threatening situation. In this episode, I’m talking about the stress cycle - what it looks like, why it happens and how it shows up in your parenting.  You’ll Learn: How stress shows up and why we feel activated even if we’re not actually in dangerWhat the parenting stress cycle is and how to know if you’re in one3 ways to get out of the stress cycle But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. Let’s break the cycle. ------------------------------------ Before we get into the details, I want you to first imagine walking your dog at night and seeing a pack of coyotes. They start chasing you. Your brain activates the stress response, quickly assesses the threat and decides that you should RUN. You get back home, come in and close the door. You are technically safe, but your body doesn’t know that yet. It still has all of the stress juice running through your system. Once you are inside and safe, it’s time to deal with the stress that has accumulated in your body. You do that by getting your breath back, telling someone what happened, getting a hug, shaking, crying. Stress cycle complete. YAY! Now imagine that instead you come inside, but before you get a chance to deal with the stress juice, there is a new stressor. You walk into the house and your kids are arguing and your husband is yelling at them. Then you head to the kitchen and notice the dishes piled in the sink and there isn’t any meat thawed for dinner. Stressful situations keep popping up and the stress juice continues building up inside you.   2 key parts of the stress cycleNotice that there are two parts of the story above: the actual threat of the coyotes and what happens after.    The stressor. The stressor is the external situation that is happening around you. This can look like your child screaming, crying, being aggressive, arguing with you, peppering you with questions, blaming you for things, etc.   The stress response. This is the stress juice. It’s a sort of chemical cocktail of hormones and neurochemicals that course through your body and create your stress response.  And it’s not a bad thing. It helps us respond to our environment and keep ourselves safe.  But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. When stress juice builds up in you and isn’t released, it can make you more reactive, less effective and clouds your thinking. The problem many parents face is that we are constantly surrounded by stressors, but we don't give ourselves a chance to release the stress juice and reset. Sometimes, we don’t even realize that stress is building up inside of us. We think we’re handling things well until something unexpectedly sends us over the edge.   Parenting stress cyclesThink about some of the stressors above. If you were out in the world and another adult was screaming at you or being aggressive toward you, it would likely mean that you are in a threatening situation and that you need to do something to protect yourself. So when your kid is screaming, crying or complaining, your brain can’t tell the difference. It thinks you’re being attacked, and your stress response is activated. Aggressive behavior isn’t the only thing that triggers us, though. You might also notice yourself reacting to things like dilly dallying, rudeness, bad grades or your kid just being grumpy.  These behaviors activate us because we feel we’re being threatened not physically, but socially. As a community-based species, we fear rejection from...

“Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” is a phrase I use often in my coaching. When you say it out loud, it captures that feeling we have as parents when our kids behave in a way that leaves us feeling overwhelmed, angry or worried.  In this episode,you’ll learn: How to view your kid’s big feelings as an opportunity instead of a threatThe question to ask yourself as you move your child through their dayHow to validate feelings in the midst of out-of-bounds behavior5 ways to help your kid manage their big feelings  What I hope you take away from this episode is it's actually good for kids to feel upset and have you be okay with their feelings. You do not need to fix your kid’s feelings. You only need to acknowledge them. ---------------------------------------- "Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it" is an emotional and physical response to what our kids are doing, and our brain jumps in and tries to fix, change, stop or solve the situation.   Your Kid’s Big FeelingsThe most common time I see parents experience this reaction is during a Big Feeling Cycle.  When your kid has big feelings, they might express them in ways that are overwhelming to you.  The tendency is often to try to shut down their behavior. But because that behavior is a reaction to how they’re feeling, we end up shutting down their feelings, too. The problem with jumping in to fix/change/stop/solve is that you miss an opportunity to connect with your kids and to help them connect with themselves and learn how to process their own negative emotion.   What “Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” Looks LikeHere are some things I see parents do when they don’t like the way their child is expressing their emotion.   Minimizing. When our kids are upset, we want to say, “Oh honey, it’s not that big of a deal. It’ll work out.”  This sounds like a nice thing to say, but your child is left feeling like you don’t understand. It feels like a really big deal to them. We want to validate the emotion and acknowledge the intensity of their feelings instead of minimizing it.    Comparing. This looks like, “This sort of thing happens all the time,” or, “Other kids don’t complain about this,” or “This wasn’t a big deal to your brother.” It happens when you think their feelings aren’t warranted or justified.  We’re trying to get them to think and feel differently but, again, we’re doing it by shutting down their feelings.    Ignoring. There might be times when you need to take a break to calm yourself before dealing with a situation. Ignoring is different.  This is another way of shutting your kid down, and it makes them feel unheard, unfelt, unseen and unvaluable. Your child might think, “Mom only wants to talk to me when I’m happy.” Talking about their feelings is how they’ll learn to deal with them.    Weaponizing gratitude. Gratitude is an incredible emotion. I love it. Weaponizing gratitude is when we use it to bypass negative emotion.  You cannot get rid of sadness by thinking grateful thoughts. We have to feel the sadness (or anger or worry) and acknowledge it before we allow the brain to find another perspective.    Indulging. Sometimes, you might try to change the circumstance to make your kid feel better. Maybe you tell them they can skip practice or promise to go get ice cream afterwards.  Instead of letting them feel upset, indulging tries to give them a positive feeling so they forget about the uncomfortable feeling.    Logic-ing. This looks like...

Today I’m talking about misbehavior and the #1 reason it is so hard for parents. Misbehavior creates a lot of conflict in families. It’s one of the main reasons parents yell. You’ll Learn: Why misbehavior often feels like an emergency (even though it’s usually not)How to recognize your body’s stress response and be aware of your reactionsDifferent ways to think about misbehavior - and prevent your stress response from kicking inSimple steps to use limits and rules to effectively manage behavior If you’ve ever thought “If they would just listen and stop acting out, I wouldn’t have to yell!” this episode is for you! ----------------------------------------- Maybe your brain has offered you the solution of getting your kids to behave better by having more rules and more limits and more consequences. By being more strict.  Many parents think the answer to misbehavior is in having better routines, or being more consistent, or being more firm. The problem with this solution is that it doesn’t address the roots of misbehavior. In this episode, I’m sharing why it’s so triggering and upsetting for you, and some concrete and practical steps to handling misbehavior without resorting to lecturing, avoiding, yelling, threatening or shaming.   Surprise! It all starts in your brain. As a parent, your child’s behavior often activates your stress response.  Your brain wants to INTERPRET your kid’s behavior as a DANGER to your physical or emotional safety.  It will TRICK you into thinking that your kid’s behavior is a threat to you. It will tell you that you need to protect yourself. Get bigger. Get louder. Fight back. Run away.  And that can make it hard to remain calm. But when you can understand what’s driving the behavior and view it as an opportunity rather than a problem, you can head off the stress response and feel more calm in the situation. Related Episodes:Episode 62: Parenting Stress Cycles [Part 3]  Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today’s episode is the final installment of a series on setting (and achieving!) your goals. This week, we’re talking about making an action plan - one that you’ll actually follow through on. In this episode, I’m walking you through how to tackle a goal that is challenging for a lot of moms - simplifying weeknight dinners. You’ll Learn: A simple 3-step process to creating a goal plan you can actually stick toReal-life examples of simple first stepsHow to make time for your goal and keep yourself accountableWhat to do when you get stuck If you missed either of the previous episodes, go back and listen to the first two episodes about defining your goal and solving for obstacles. And be sure to grab the free workbook here. ----------------------------------------- I once read that former Secretary of State, Madeline Albright, decided to go back to college when she had three small children. She did all of her schoolwork while in the car waiting for them at pickup. Proof that big goals are achieved through manageable, consistent actions. Throughout this series, I’ve used the example of my own 2026 goal to publish a book to illustrate this goal process. Today, I’m tackling a goal that is a little more relatable for most moms - simplifying weeknight dinners. 3 Steps to Defining Your PlanStep 1: Do a brain dump Start by rewriting your goal, so you’ll keep it top of mind. Then, write down anything you can think of that will help you make progress toward your goal. What are all the things you could do in order to make your goal happen? Brain dumps are the time to get EVERYTHING out on paper. There are no bad ideas in this stage. No editing, just brainstorming. Think about what will keep you accountable, too. When I started my podcast, one of my action items was to share my goal with others. Don’t keep your goal a secret. When other people know what you’re working toward, they can check in and cheer you on. Step 2: Choose your first small step Emphasis on SMALL. The goal here is to start taking action without getting overwhelmed. Taking the first step will help you build momentum to keep going. When in doubt, start small - small, simple actions, small chunks of time. These are much easier to stick to than big, lofty goals that leave you with a feeling of dread. Step 3: Chunk your goal into phases There are a few phases that are common to most goals. They’ll look different depending on what you’re working toward, but the overall concept is the same. In the beginning of a goal, you probably won’t be sure what to do or which approaches will work best for you. There’s a lot to figure out, and your actions will take longer at the beginning. As you continue taking action, you’ll build routines and momentum, until your goal starts to feel easy. Getting started - This is the foundation. Start by looking at what’s already working. What have you already achieved in this area that you can build on?Building momentum

Welcome to part 2 of the Goal Setting Series! Last week, I walked you through how to figure out what you want and clearly define your goal. Today, we’re talking about defining and overcoming obstacles on the way to your goal. I’ll share some common obstacles, as well as really tangible strategies to help you overcome them. You’ll Learn: 5 common obstacles and how to overcome them3 strategies to build belief in yourself and your goalWhat I wrote to myself back in 2022 when I was struggling with negative thoughts and lack of beliefWhy quitting doesn’t mean you’ll never achieve your goalA fun little rhyme to remember when life happens and you get off-track with your goal Obstacles are inevitable whenever you are achieving something big (or even something small). By preparing for setbacks, you’ll be less likely to get discouraged and thrown off course. If you haven’t already grabbed your copy of the free Goals Workbook, click here to get it and follow along. --------------------------------------------- I’m using my 2026 goal of publishing a book as an example throughout this series. This is a goal I’ve wanted to achieve for a long time, and I have PLENTY of evidence of the obstacles that have prevented me from achieving this goal in the past. Common Obstacles to Achieving a GoalThere are 5 obstacles that I’ve seen come up in myself and others over and over again. They are: Belief or mindsetKnowledgeJust plain old quittingTimeLife situations The good news is that these are all solvable! You just have to be committed and have some helpful tools and strategies ready to go. Obstacle #1: BeliefYour thoughts about yourself, your goal, and what's possible for you play a major role in whether or not you achieve your goals. We know that thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to action. That means that if you don’t have belief in yourself and your goal, you’re way less likely to take the actions needed to achieve it. Some of the negative thoughts that creep up can be sneaky. Watch out for ones like: This is going to be a failure.I’m not good enough.I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve tried before and failed, so of course I’m gonna fail again. Just because these thoughts pop up, it doesn’t mean they’re true! Strategies to Build Belief This first strategy is one of my favorites, and I do it often. I call it an “I love you” letter. Sit down and write yourself an encouraging letter, as if your best friend is talking to you. Or your purest...

Are you already thinking about things that you want to achieve or create in 2026? For me, it’s publishing my book (eek!). In that spirit, today kicks off a brand-new 3-part series all about getting what you want, prioritizing yourself and your goals, and making good things happen. We’re starting at the beginning - defining your goals. Because you can’t get what you want if you don’t know what it is! You’ll Learn: 3 Strategies for defining your goalHow to stay committed to your goalWhat to do when you don’t even know what you wantSome of the fun dreams my friends and I have for our lives (maybe it will give you some ideas) This episode will show you how to figure out what you want and define it in a specific, real, and accessible way. Click here to get the free goal-setting workbook. --------------------------------------- How To Reach Your GoalsThroughout this series, I’m walking you through the 4 main steps I take when I am working toward a goal. This has worked for me to build my business, start a podcast, and achieve many other things in my life.  Here are the 4 steps: Define your goalDefine the obstacles and brainstorm solutionsDefine the planDo it! I’ll go into each step in much more detail, but here is what you need to know upfront. In order to take action and achieve your goal, you have to prioritize your goal. You have to commit, to say “yes” to your goal and your action plan over and over again. And in order to prioritize one thing, you will have to deprioritize other things. The truth is that you have a limited amount of time available to you. If you want to give more time to your goal, you’ll have to make some difficult decisions about where your time is going. Now, let’s take the first step and define your goal.   Defining Your GoalHere are 3 strategies (and a fun bonus exercise) to help you get clear on your goal. I’ll use my goal of publishing a book as an example as we go through this process.   Goal GuidelinesMake it specific. If your goal is too generic (e.g. I want to lose weight), it can be hard to make a clear plan, stay committed, or to even know if you’ve reached the goal. My current goal is to publish my book before the end of 2026. There are two things that make this goal specific for me. One is the timeline. The other is a shift in wording from “writing” a book to “publishing” a book.  Why is this important? Because I have had the goal of writing my book many times. I actually have written the book many times in many forms. But I have never actually sent a draft to the publisher (even though I have one ready and waiting).  I have been NOT doing this for 3 years now. I have a lot of fears and overwhelm around this goal, so I have continued to put it off and prioritize other things. No more. So get specific. Do you want to make money? How much?Do you want to lose weight? How many pounds do you want to lose? What size clothing do you want to wear?Do you want to build a business? What does that mean? How many clients do you want? How much profit do you want to earn?Do you want to sell things on Etsy? When do you want your shop to be up and running? What will you sell? How many items do you want to sell?  And give yourself a timeline. WHEN do you want to have achieved your goal? Make it manageable. Your goal doesn’t have to be something grandiose. In order for you to take action, it has to feel...

When a kid has experienced trauma, their nervous system often fires in ways that are unpredictable, intense, and challenging. Today, my guest Jamie C. Finn is sharing trauma-informed parenting techniques to help you and your child be better regulated.  You’ll Learn: How your curiosity can shift your kid’s behaviorThe benefits of staying regulated (even when it feels like a lot of work)Why caring for your nervous system is the most important thing you can do for your home…and how to do itPowerful mindset shifts that will change the way you show up as a mom We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Whether your child has experience trauma or not, I know you’ll love this episode! -------------------------------------- I invited Jamie to the podcast because she is a foster parent, an adoptive parent, and a parent of children she has birthed (7 kids total!). And she has a lot of experience raising kids who are neurodivergent and have a history of trauma. We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom.  Jamie C. Finn has written 3 books: Foster the Family, Filled, and God Loves Kids. She is also the founder and president of Foster the Family, a national nonprofit that serves vulnerable children and the families welcoming them, as well as the founder of the Filled Gathering, the largest gathering of foster and adoptive moms in the world.    Meet Jamie C. FinnJamie’s family started out as something pretty conventional, but has grown into so much more. 11 years ago, she and her husband had 2 kids - one boy, one girl - living the American dream. Today, they have 7 children ranging in age from 2 to almost 17, including 4 kids that they adopted through foster care, and 1 in a current foster placement. She says it became a life of “keeping our doors open to kids who need us.” She came from a background of conservative, traditional, gospel-centered Christian parenting. And while Jamie still draws heavily from her faith and religion, her approach has changed drastically over the years.  The first parent training she ever went to was very authoritarian, and she was immediately uncomfortable with the strategies she was being taught. But Jamie’s first trauma-informed training opened her eyes to a whole new way of thinking about her kids and their behavior. She was amazed to learn that a trauma-informed approach also worked with her biological child who struggled with ADHD and anxiety.  She says, “This isn't just about trauma. This is about seeing our kids’ brains and meeting our kids where they are.” It’s not about getting immediate obedience. It’s more like saying, “My heart is for you and I'm with you and I want you to be able to succeed in obedience.” She’s now been on a journey for the past 11 years of learning to love and parent her children well and helping other families to do the same.   The Power of CuriosityWhen I looked up “trauma-informed parenting”, I found that it was “based on the concept that behaviors are often windows into underlying emotions or unmet needs.” And I thought, well that just sounds like human-informed parenting to me.  To some extent, Jamie agrees. She says that she doesn’t change the way she parents based on whether a kid has experienced trauma or not. She still wants to understand the need and how she can help them meet it.  However, she believes that the curiosity goes deeper in a trauma-informed approach, especially when you don’t have the child’s full history. She says, “It leads to curiosity, which leads to generosity, which leads to meeting that need.”  This curiosity can almost be harder to access with...

Today’s guest is so special to me, because she is the person who taught me how to become the parent I am today. She’s basically my Darlynn. I’m so excited to introduce you to Jeanette Yoffe, who is here to talk about regulation strategies for kids. You’ll Learn: How to use the PACE Model to support yourself and your childSome of Jeanette’s favorite phrases for connecting with your kid and their behavior (and a few to avoid)7 nonverbal cues to pay attention to12+ strategies to help regulate the nervous system We’re sharing our favorite simple strategies to help kids deal with their big feelings. You’re gonna love it! ----------------------------------- Jeanette Yoffe is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She's an adoptee, and she focuses on kids who have experienced trauma, attachment disruption, been in the foster care system, or were adopted. In addition to her direct work with families, she has an amazing book out called The Traumatized and At Risk Youth Toolbox, which includes 160 different therapeutic exercises that anyone can do to help kids process their big feelings. I first met Jeanette when Lincoln (my oldest son) was almost 5 years old. At that time, I was so desperate to be a good parent and not be a rageful mom and fuck up my kid. I truly think of her as an angel that came into my life at exactly the right time. She was our family’s therapist, and she introduced me to an entirely new framework for parenting and relating to my kids.    Meet Jeanette YoffeJeanette loves all kids, but her heart is truly with foster children. She says that a lot of the work she does now comes from trying to be what she needed as a kid.  Jeanette first went into therapy herself when she was a 13-year-old with suicidal ideation. For the first 15 months of her life, she lived with her birth family, but it was deemed unsafe for her to stay with her mother, who was struggling with mental illness. Then, she spent 6 ½ years in foster care in 3 different homes. Finally, she was placed in another home to be adopted at the age of 7 ½.  She says, “Those frequent moves had a great impact on me and my nervous system and my ability to trust and feel secure in any relationship with any parent. Even when I was adopted, I kept asking my mother, ‘When are you going to give me away?’ Because that's all that I knew.” When Jeanette was 13, she was living with her adoptive family, which included 2 adopted siblings and a foster child, who had visits with her birth mother. Jeanette started to wonder, “Where is my birth mother? Why is she not coming back for me?” The conclusion she came to was that she must really be unlovable and deficient in some way.  When she watched that foster child be reunified with her mother, Jeanette started questioning her life and her existence. She experienced anxiety and depression. She didn’t know what to do with those feelings. Her self esteem plummeted. Also around this time, Jeanette wrote a suicide note to her best friend and said, “Tonight I'm gonna do it.” Thankfully, her friend told her mother, and she started therapy.  Compassion was the biggest piece of healing for Jeanette. She says, “Therapy really changed my life and helped me really make sense of what happened to me. Once I started having compassion for what I'd been through, I could start feeling a sense of relief.” This is now at the root of her work with kids and families.   The PACE ModelThis model was created by Daniel Hughes. He teaches it as “PACE your child”. Jeanette teaches parents to “PACE yourself” first. Just as in the Calm Mama Process, you want to regulate yourself first so that you can be compassionate...

Today is Thanksgiving here in the US, so in the spirit of giving thanks, today’s episode is all about gratitude, how it relates to children and parenting, and my three favorite strategies for cultivating genuine gratitude in yourself and your kids. --------------------------------- What is Gratitude?In Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, she defines gratitude as, “an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.” So it isn’t just about saying thank you, it’s an emotion. And it requires that we look for the good and take the time to fully feel that appreciation.  This isn’t something that comes naturally to humans, so it is a perspective and mindset that we need to cultivate and practice.  The good news is that when you do that practice, it can become really easy to access those thankful thoughts and feelings. Gratitude and KidsGratitude is really hard for our kids, and here’s why.  First, it has to do with their developmental stage. Because of the way their brains are developed, kids aren’t really able to see different perspectives until around age 9 or 10. Also, many of our kids don’t experience a lot of struggle. As parents, we want our kids' lives to be mostly simple, easy and happy. So for them, good is the norm. They don’t have much other life experience yet to compare it with. Basically, they don’t know how good they’ve got it. In many ways, we’ve taught them that. We've taught them to expect ease. We've taught them to think that the world revolves around them. But then we get mad at them for we get mad at them when they're not feeling grateful for a nice house or a loving family whatever you want your kids to be grateful for. I want to tell you that you don’t have to make them wrong for their ignorance or lack of perspective. It’s a part of development.  The best way for you to cultivate gratitude in your kids is to model it for them. Weaponizing GratitudeSomething I see often as I coach moms is when a mom starts to share with me a challenge in her life and expresses her feelings, like hurt, disappointment or sadness, and she stops herself and sort of backs up a bit. Then, she says things like, “I shouldn't even be complaining,” “I’m being so whiny,” “I know I have it better than other people.” This is what I think of as weaponizing gratitude. You are using gratitude as a weapon to shut down your feelings.  Trying to ignore the feeling, manufacture gratitude and bypass your negative emotions does not work. It doesn’t help you.  What you need is a safe place to dump some of the junk that's going on.You need to have your feelings acknowledged, allowed and accepted, either by yourself or by whoever you're talking to. We all have lots and lots of feelings. And sometimes those feelings are not so great. We don't need to judge our negative feelings and then tell ourselves we should be grateful.  The Other Side of GratitudeNow don’t get me wrong - I love gratitude. But I can only feel that feeling of gratitude because I've opened myself up to all the other feelings, the anger, the resentment, the sadness, the disappointment, the grief.  All any feeling ever wants us to be felt. Gratitude is a wonderful emotion, but you cannot fake it. It's calm after the storm. Because gratitude is really perspective. And perspective only comes when we take an honest account of our lives, when we're looking at what is hard and what is great.  It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel hurt. None of these are the opposite of gratitude, but we have to acknowledge them all.  Once you process your negative emotion, gratitude is on...

As I prepared for our 200th(!!!) episode of the podcast, I realized that I hadn't completely shared a huge part of my story with you. You may already know that I’m an adoptive mom. Today, I’m going deeper and sharing my infertility and adoption story. I sometimes talk about my journey as arriving through the back door of motherhood. In this episode, I’m talking about how I experienced infertility, why we chose adoption, and how that informed me as a mom, ultimately becoming a trauma-informed parent.  ----------------------------------------------- My hope is that if you have experienced infertility, this episode gives a voice to your pain and a place for you to feel supported and loved. If you have not experienced infertility, I hope that hearing my story might help you have more understanding and compassion for your girlfriends or family members that are going through it.   My Infertility StoryAfter a few years of marriage (I married young at 22), it became clear to me that I really wanted to become a mom. Sometime in 2001 or 2002, my husband and I started trying to get pregnant. For the first few months, I didn’t think much of it when my period kept coming.  Six or seven months in, I wasn’t super concerned but thought it was a bit strange that I wasn’t pregnant yet. So I started the ovulation strips, the basal thermometer, and all those little at-home hacks to increase our chances.  A year went by, and I still wasn’t pregnant. During this time, I was pretty sad. In the beginning, I was so excited for my friends when they got pregnant. But as time went on and it became more evident that maybe it wasn't going to happen for us, I started to feel jealous, scared, and less than. It triggered insecurities and feelings from my childhood of not belonging. At the one-year mark, we decided to go to the doctor and have some testing done. Our results showed that we would need some interventions if we wanted to get pregnant. The obvious answer at the time was IVF.  I knew a few people who were going through IVF, and I was hearing about how much it cost and how devastating it was if it didn’t work. So, we decided to consider ALL of our options.  After getting our test results, we weren’t closed off to the idea of adoption. In fact, I think there was a part of us that always sort of wanted to adopt. We just thought it would be in addition to our own biological kids. The options were laid out to us in two paths: the medical route or the adoption route. At first, I told my husband that I wanted to pursue both at the same time.   Our Adoption JourneyAs we started to look at adoption, I was clear on one thing. I did not want to adopt through foster care. I was so desperate for this child, and I wanted a baby that could be mine. While I now know that this isn’t the risk factor I thought it was, I was so afraid that our relationship would be insecure, that a birth mother could come back and take my child away.  So we decided on inter-country adoption. At the time, our main options were Russia, China, and Guatemala. We attended an adoption seminar and learned about the process, costs, and wait times. Russia seemed the most aligned for us in that we could have a baby in about nine months. It felt like the most natural timeline to me. We realized pretty quickly that both IVF and adoption required a lot of time, money, and energy. We had to choose one.  When I have a big decision to make or I'm in a lot of emotional pain, I often end up on the shore, by the ocean. So after the seminar, my husband and I drove to Santa Monica, sat on the beach, and talked about it.  We both wanted to pursue adoption for different reasons. Kevin wasn’t super invested in having a biological child. And I wanted a sure thing. I didn’t want to go through round...

If you have a child between the ages of 1 and 5, today’s episode is for you. I’ve invited Devon Kuntzman onto the podcast to talk to us about transforming toddlerhood. She is a toddler parenting expert who is on a mission to transform the myth that toddlerhood is terrible. You’ll Learn: Myths about toddlerhood that lead to frustration for parentsWhy toddlers behave the way they do (and what to do about it)The difference between consistency and perfectionWhen to let your child take the leadWhat to do with, “You’re not the boss of me!” Today, Devon is sharing practical strategies to meet your toddler’s basic developmental and sensory needs, as well as ways to teach them skills to get their needs met and cope with frustration.  ------------------------------------------- Devon Kuntzman is a wife, mama and the original toddler parenting expert on Instagram. She says she is so passionate about this age group because, “we know that the first five years really set the foundation for the rest of a child's life in terms of their brain development and emotional regulation.” As a certified coach with a degree in psychology, she helps thousands of families each year through courses, workshops, and the annual Transforming Toddlerhood Conference. Her community of 1 million parents and caregivers is committed to transforming their parenting, their toddler’s behavior, and their overall experience of toddlerhood while creating a relationship with their child that lasts a lifetime.   Who Are Toddlers?One of my first questions for Devon was how she defines a toddler. I often think of toddlers as being separate from preschoolers, but Devon explains that she groups them together (ages 1-5) because they are all struggling with a lot of the same things. She says, “They still have very immature brains. They're lacking their impulse control skills, emotional regulation skills.” I think of toddlers’ decision making as, “if it feels good, do it.” It’s an emotional process for them. They aren’t really able to think things through and access executive function until around age 6. Devon does split them into younger toddlers (ages 1 & 2) and older toddlers (ages 3-5), largely based on expressive language skills and their ability to communicate their feelings and needs.  Putting preschoolers into their own category, Devon says, can be confusing if we think that they should no longer be having the same behavioral challenges as toddlers. The truth is, it is still completely developmentally appropriate for them to struggle.   Decoding Toddler BehaviorWhen it comes to toddler behavior, Devon likes to talk about “decoding” behavior. She says, “If we don't understand what's happening with the behavior, then it's going to be really challenging to know how to respond.” I think this is certainly true for all ages. The concept of decoding reminds us that there are layers that we need to peel back in order to really understand what’s going on. It requires us to get curious about the root of a child’s behavior.  As you’ve heard me say a million times, the root of any behavior is emotion. A feeling that they are trying to communicate or cope with. They may also be trying to communicate a need, whether it’s a basic need like food or sleep, a sensory need, or a need to feel connection and affection. Devon says that impulse control is a common challenge for toddlers. Some behaviors that come along with this are spitting, wanting to grab things off the shelf at the grocery store, or taking off chasing a cat or a bird down the street. These behaviors are very reactionary. There is no thinking about safety, impact, or the future.    Development in the Toddler YearsSome developmental needs of toddlers include...

Dr. Angele Close is back on the podcast! Today, we’re diving deeper into letting go of mom shame and how to build a new relationship within ourselves so we can release that guilt and stress and show up in a more loving, kind, open-hearted way. You’ll learn: Why the myths and expectations of society are like swimming in a fishbowlWhat it feels like to be in Self energyHow something as simple as placing your hand over your heart can soothe you in times of stress4 ways to tap into your SelfDr. Angele’s story of how she became less reactive with her son Today’s episode is part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Angele Close. If you missed last week’s episode, be sure to go back and check it out here. You can also find links to my previous episodes on the Internal Family Systems model (IFS) at the end of the show notes. --------------------------------------- Dr. Angele uses the Internal Family Systems model in her therapy and coaching in order to help moms unburden themselves from trauma, guilt, stress, burnout, overwhelm, and that mental load that you're carrying in your head. She then teaches them how to relate to the stressors of parenting in a different way so that they can feel more joyful, calm, present, and able to actually enjoy the experience of raising kids.   Turning Myths into EmpowermentIn last week’s episode, we talked a lot about the myths of motherhood, including the Good Mom myth. There is so much about mom culture in our society that is toxic. The messaging all around us is sending messages that we basically have to be Supermom, or else we’re failing. Dr. Angele says, “It’s oppressive. It’s life limiting…The liberation comes in the awareness of it.”  When it comes to these myths, we have to ask ourselves, “What am I believing? What are the parts of me that have come to believe some of this stuff?” When you understand the answers to these questions, you can actually design your own experience of motherhood. It is an opportunity for awakening and empowerment.  Dr. Angele says, “I think becoming a mother is a gateway for us to become our true, authentic self. That's the invitation. That's the true power.”   Self Energy and Being Self-Led“Self” was conceptualized by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who created IFS. It’s that place inside yourself that is just you. He talks about an energy of being coherent and connected. Your body, heart, and mind are all in the same place. Dr. Angele thinks of it as our soul energy. She says, “It’s the energy within yourself which every human has. And it's not changed or tarnished by anything that you've been through or that's happened to you.” One example Dr. Angele shared was the image of the sky. Your Self energy is the sun, and your parts are the clouds. Even on a cloudy, overcast day, the sun is always there.    Working with Your Parts - the Manager and the FirefighterUnfortunately, we’re not living fully in Self energy every day. That’s not realistic when we live in a complex world that often feels unsafe or stressful. That’s when our “parts” take the wheel.  These other parts come in to help us navigate and cope and live in the real world. They’re a bit like our armor, our protection. When we can drop that armor and unburden our parts, we become more aware and conscious to choose our beliefs and energy. The Manager and the Firefighter are two of our Self-protective parts, and they come up a lot with moms. You might also discover parts that are a caregiver, critic, or coach. I’ve even named some of mine: iPad girl and Wild Child. Have a little fun with...

I’m so excited this week to introduce Dr. Angele Close on the podcast. We're talking all about motherhood, the myths of motherhood (including the “good mom” myth), and what it's like to be a mom in this modern world. In fact, we had so much to talk about that this week’s episode is only part 1!  You’ll Learn: Why motherhood feels so heavyA key concept that can help you drop the self-blame and shame around not feeling good enough as a momHow choosing to value connection over achievement can benefit your childWays that gentle parenting has over-corrected from traditional parenting stylesThe time I decided I was a great mom Dr. Angele and I talked a lot about the myth of being a “good” mother and the process of matrescence -  the act of becoming and being a mom. We also got into how to release yourself from our society’s unrealistic standards of motherhood so that you can tap into your own internal wisdom and intuition. ----------------------------------- Meet Dr. Angele CloseDr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher. She is also a therapist in the Internal Family Systems model.  She is about to release a new book called Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom. I cannot tell you how much I love this book, and I know you will too. Dr. Angele is also the mom of 3 teenagers and shares how, as they entered elementary age, parenting got really tough for her. Her oldest child is neurodiverse, and traditional ways of parenting just weren’t really working anymore.  Everyone (including Dr. Angele) was having a lot of big feelings, and she found herself becoming really self–critical and hard on herself. Emotion-focused therapy, mindfulness, and meditation were her profession, but as a mom she felt like she was losing her mind.  This led to seeking out help and support, learning about the concept of matrescence, and discovering the Internal Family Systems model. As she healed herself and gained some traction in her personal life, she quickly realized she needed to share it with other moms.    What is Matrescence?The word “matrescence” was conceptualized by an anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s. She was interested in what happens to women when they become mothers.  It turns out that mothers go through a significant, profound transformation of identity, similar to in adolescence. It changes every aspect of our lives - emotionally, physically, hormonally, spiritually, our roles, and our careers.  Dr. Angele says, “Some people will say it's only the first few years of motherhood. That's not been my experience. To me, it’s lifelong. Our relationship to our children and our identity are forever tied.” These transformations can happen at different stages of motherhood. For me, one of those times was when my youngest started kindergarten. I’d lost myself in the previous 7 years of parenting, and I didn’t even know who I was or what I liked anymore.  When you realize that you’re in a transition like that, it’s an opportunity to redefine yourself, your career, whatever it is that feels like it’s shifting. And whoever you become in that transition is okay. We don’t have to make ourselves wrong for any of it. The other piece that is acknowledged in matrescence is that through motherhood, anything we haven’t healed or dealt with from our own childhoods will get reactivated.  Finally! A concept that lets us see motherhood as a process. To recognize that we’ve changed, and that’s okay.    The “Good Mom” MythDr. Angele says that a key focus of her...