Advertise on podcast: Gal Talk

You know them, I know them. Those dreaded, horrific, tormented other people. My spine shivers when I think of those teeth gnashing, opaque eyes, rivers of drool sucked into the memory of a face. Named Mike, or Sydney ... Uggghh. Can you imagine? And I know, wait, calm down. It's expected that you would interpret me saying "other people" and assume racism is just around the corner, but let me tell you this has nothing to do with race. In America, in our culture, everyone has the same moronic hue as we stare blindly at the red sun, mouths open, anger rising, oh we just want to hit something or someone. Look at a crowd of people next time you're outside. It's somehow the same mucus morphed into multitudes, a big stinky conglomeration of others. It's gross, and I honestly don't think we can do better.

The list of people who suck ass continues to grow at an alarming rate. Every time I turn around I see another example of ass suckery, performed by the richest and most privileged members of our society. I know that like, okay, all of our presidents have been insane guys who suck ass and have that goblin itch to rape and kill, and that's honestly true for most presidents of most countries, because we reshaped humanity into feed for a consumer trough that ends with me eating a big burger that kills me - BUT, sometimes it still bothers me that... shouldn't being a president or a senator like, mean something? Isn't it weird that they're all limp wristed nazis now? And no one has much of an issue with it. Most people in total are pretending that there's no other way it could be other than the way it is right now. In fact, you're called a stupid unrealistic moron for suggesting that we have dignity, or standards, or hard rules of law that supercede norms and expectations. You're a p***y if you believe murder is wrong. Cry harder, they say, as they slurp a big gulp of fibre optic cables down their gullet that's been razor bladed with microplastics for the last fifty years. So I guess that's the answer. If you find yourself seeing people who suck ass out in the open, just curl up in a fetal position and cry harder. Or go buy a weapon of some sort. Your choice.

We all know the left has a problem, and contrary to popular belief the problem isn't rooted in our inability to formulate a true and resonating opposition party - because either we're fighting each other about petty b******t or we're trying to find the most conservative, most vindictive and vile versions of the "flirty with fascism" right - no, the real issue with the left is anti-semitism, because most of us are so crazy to think that Palestinians are real people who shouldn't be genocided, and that's lowkey a problem. Highkey? Is that a thing? If it is then we're definitely at highkey status when it comes to being... to having issue with... genocide? Genocide is good, is what they're saying? And Jewish semitism is deeply connected to... to genocide? So saying they can't do genocide is like highkey problematic? Help me out here, pal, because I'm trying to fix my anti-semitism and I just need a little guidance on this issue of... the part where Israel is doing a tremendous amount of horrifying crimes...

This is unfortunately what Trump does to you, and I assume is why all those mouth breathers voted for him a second time and are now confused about why literally everything is worse - even that, did you see it? That whole sentence was some Jon Stewart Daily Show "I'm mad about hypocrisy" b******t. This isn't who I want to be, this isn't my divine purpose. I'm supposed to be screaming from the sidewalk about how poetry is now a dead art form, and movies despite (or due to) unlimited funding and technology have lost everything magical about filming and assembling a fictional world for the purpose of penetrating hearts and minds, and, and, what The F**k is Marlon James doing? Why is every book he writes called a modern masterpiece before anyone has even had a chance to read it? I get that he likes writing in dialect but... I mean that can't be the reason something is good. People are so easily tricked. No one bothers to interrogate their experience anymore. See? This is what I should be talking about. Not crying all the time because I think, seriously, that the world might really be ending for real. Maybe I should try fart jokes again. That might help.

Well folks, it's been 200 episodes of Gal Talk, and you know what that means. It's officially time to kill ourselves. I'd like to say that it's been a wild ride, full of success and good times, but if we're being honest the show is exactly what it's always been, which is two people talking for over an hour with very few people listening AND THAT'S WHAT WE LIKE. All these other shows pivoted to video like a bunch of pussies, and they hired sound engineers and clips guys and blew 20k on a studio with a bunch of b******t that always looks like a cross between a radio station and a child's bedroom. You look like shit, Barstool, and it's always been embarrassing that Dave Portnoy is alive and well. Not us. We will remain true to reality and give you a rambling, themeless hour of poor sound quality. I hope you continue to like it, I really do, but not for my sake. I'm just really worried about you.

I'm sure this is hard to believe, but the city we live in sucks my ass. But BUT wait, hold on, listen to me. Your city sucks too. We just so happen to live here and you just so happen to live there. You probably infested the city with your petty b******t several years ago, and the once promised gentrification never happened to the neighborhoods you could afford, and the barista sex culture you thought was going to be your whole life is now looking sadder and more 30ish than ever before, and you're starting to realize this is it, I'm stuck with all these decisions I've made, all those horrible people I've f****d who I once called my friends and now have no idea who I can trust, because it turns out everyone the whole time was talking mad shit behind my back because no quirky hairstyle or fun outfit could change the underlying fact that I have no personality and never developed an honest interest in anything substantive, and the city I live in is pricing me out right around the time I'm realizing I have no interest in staying, but where to go? What suburb will take a man with a dogshit credit score and a degree from a fourth tier college in anthropology? What kind of family could I possible cobble together when I'm on a cocktail of pills to keep my hair, to keep my dick hard, to keep me from killing myself? God, are you there? Can anyone hear me? Send help

Don't even worry about it. There's like, it's like, dude. Seriously don't look up. There's nothing to see there. Ain't nobody ever had no problems as long as they keep they head down. So just continue on the beautiful journey that is your probably extremely uplifting life. What do you do? You got a job working in an office, maybe? Maybe a little work-from-home situation. Is there AI? I bet there's AI happening at your work right now. They're saying it's a permanent plug-in for your office suite? That's good. Don't look up. No, no, no, keep your head down and embrace everything that comes your way. It's kind of the opposite of manifesting, where instead of generating the world you desire through insertion of will, you simply allow everything bad that's happening continue to happen until one day you can't come back from it and it turns out you should've listened to everyone who told you something bad was going to happen. But not me. I would never tell you something bad was going to happen. I'm only here to say that you should close your eyes and breathe.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of driving through any area in Missouri or Kansas, or hey, most of the Midwest, which I consider not only Missouri to be a member of, but also the sole representative for, due to the way it embodies the true spirit of the middle of the country, where there is no real democracy, no law other than what the police decide in-that-moment, and the weather is god awful pretty much regardless of the season... but for those who haven't had the utmost pleasure of visiting, let me explain to you that all Missouri or most of the Midwest is boils down to a series of buildings just off the highway. The highway is actually The Midwest, and these sparse and embarrassing aspirations of "cities" and "towns" are just little patches of grass beside it. People from Chicago might argue with me, because they live in what could be, at face value, the only real city in the area, but don't be deceived by their self interest. It's still just a really big spot off the highway. A place where we let some glass and steel hang out until we needed it again, and for some reason a bunch of fools decided to live there, thinking they could mirror culture until it manifested as sincere. What other places should I shit on? Nebraska? What the f**k is Nebraska once you remove Springsteen? Corn? No thank you.

It's just a coincidence. Truly. Don't go thinking it's okay to throw around accusations that got nothing to do with anything, okay? We're playing as safely as possible with all things that are... things. Things that are unrelated to other Things. There's no use looking at the world around you and noticing Consistencies, or how potentially connected some people might be to some ideologies. No, no, no. This is all one Big sneezing Coincidence and I don't believe it's helpful to focus on Certain Details because even if they're true it's sometimes not good to point out things that are true if they harm the reputation of... I don't know, some rich guy who lives in a nice apartment? We should always make sure not to offend people who live in nice apartments with lots of disposable income. That would be a turning point we could never recover from as a country. Let's stick to picking on poor people who were born close to the equator, like our forefathers did.

Because of the word complex, you see… it’s sort of pun to highlight the stupidity of the military, while also having some fun with words along the way. What’s going on here, if you examine closely, is that we’re locked outside the mechanisms of true power, the omega source for all death and destruction occurring on the planet due to the global empire constructed by our bloodsucking billionaires and their puppet politicians, and instead we have small levers to pull every few years where we make haphazard decisions based almost entirely on personality, which means our only means of being political, or enacting our right to democratically make choices, is through personal opinion. Kamala is brat, Trump is gay, etc etc. So when I call it the military industrial Dumbplex, you can see that really what I’m saying is that I have no mouth and I must scream. I’m lost in a torrent of emotion with no outlet or means by which I can change the material conditions haunting our planet. All I have is poopoo jokes that aren’t jokes so much as a lazy attempt to come up with an episode title. Hope that clears everything up and now you can have a good laugh about it all.

What if it's a parody of Philip Roth where instead of the character being horny for children or whatever those books are about, we have a guy who pays a phone sex operator to explain the various foods she's consumed throughout the day and we call it Sabbath's Eater? What about... what about that? We can keep Portnoy's Complaint but its about Dave Portnoy complaining there isn't enough young boy p***y to consume at his local pizzeria. The Breast could be turned into Chicken Breast... The Human Stain is just about a napkin after a big beautiful meal.... The Plate Against America...? I really hope there's some worthless listener who only reads Philip Roth, because otherwise this post doesn't work. Some might say it doesn't work even if you are a big fan of that horny Jew. Some might go so far as to say I should rewrite this whole thing because once again I've managed to talk about fat people and Jews in a way that isn't kind. Oh well.

Rest in piss Lindsey Graham, you were the highest epitome of American politics. Closeted, bloodthirsty, greedy, conniving, inconsistent, and somehow still the stupidest man to ever have that voice. Have you ever in your life heard that voice, from an actual closeted gay guy, and the words coming out are as reckless as the b******t Israel-loving Lindsey Graham? It's a lot like Trump in that there really isn't much to make fun of because they embody such a cartoonish existence that all you can do is point out their actions and go "are you seeing this? is this real?" It feels like he was made in a Mossad operation where they worked tirelessly through MKUltra-style methods to turn a perpetually middle aged southern man into the most flamboyant hateful queer the world has ever seen. AND HIS NAME IS LINDSEY. I mean, come the f**k on. I hope our friends in Iran are celebrating. This is like, their ninth win in a row, and this time it was God's doing.

I forgot to bring my microphone. Does this ever happen to you? You guys seeing this, is this in the news? When you go to record a podcast at your buddy's house, and then forget the most vital piece of equipment for the task? It's embarrassing and I'm sorry. This is the one time, you get one a year, where you can say that I'm the big fat loser. Normally it's you. It's almost always you who is the big fat loser, but this week? Soak it in. It's me. I had to use a directional mic you'd expect to utilize for recording drums, or guitar, or... name another instrument. The rule of threes. So yes, it sounds a little off, but I did my best not to breathe directly into to the mic so you don't hear just how staggered and weak my airflow actually is. I'm barely alive, actually. 90% of my excellations are vape smoke and burps from all the P***Y I ATE. Psyche. That's right, I'm back to being a winner. You're the loser again, f**k you, you no p***y getting freaks.

It's time to own up to the fact that we whites are a problem. I know, I know, I don't want to be the one who has to finally bring the hammer down on us, but I'm looking around, I'm scanning Wikipedia, and based on everything I see I think it's time to admit we're the problem. And it's getting worse. We're fatter, stinkier, stupider, and we're aging like shit. Not to mention all that crazy racist stuff we've been up to for the last... thousand years? Is it safe to say that the whites have been out of control for at least a thousand years? It's time to reign it in! No more white pride, folks. You got nothing to be proud of. Go check yourself out in the mirror. Take your shirt off. Really look deep. Still feeling that white pride? You still think America should only have you? You still think Britain is better off with only these pale, flabby, bug eyed beer chuggers? Is that a good place? Imagine going to Europe and it's only those white people standing around. I'm getting shivers down my spine just thinking about it. Give me the Indians! Get me a store run by a man wearing a turban! Let me hear the sweet sounds of Muslim worship, or whatever they're chanting about in those mosques. We gotta spice things up or it's all over. If we keep letting the whites get away with their b******t the whole world is going to be bland, fat, and dumb, with our particular brand of polite but world-ending violence. So say it with me: F**k Whites!

We talk about it very briefly in the episode, but I didn't really process that they made a He-Man movie. I'm not going to look at the trailer and I'm not going to learn about the plot or when it comes to theaters, but I am going to tell you right now that that stinks. That really f*****g stinks, man. You should be embarrassed. I'm looking at you, Alison Brie. That's really, really f*****g goddamn Embarrassing. Truly one of the saddest decisions you can make as an actor is agreeing to be in one of these movies, because you're essentially telling the world that you don't matter anymore, and potentially never mattered, because in your soul you were empty. You took the money, you put on a big nasty costume, and you recited a dogshit script written by a sad adult man about a f**k-ing cart-oon. A cartoon, I'll remind everyone, that no one gives a shit about because everyone who watched it is currently dying from colon cancer. If you disagree with me, and you think there's enough of an audience there, and hidden within this hunk of cash is justifiable merit, true honest worth, then I would advise you to go to the doctor and get your a*****e checked. It isn't okay to like these things. It's not okay to still like, collect, admire, or play with actions figures, cards, or toy sets. You're an adult person who should be building things and reading books. Learn how to fire a gun, for christ sakes, or go fishing. Be someone. Live. You're still here but there's not much time left.