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Welcome to a new kind of episode on The Unlock Lab. Instead of talking about inner critic work, you get to bear witness to it live, with my guest Sonya Costello. Sonya said yes to having her session recorded, and I’m so grateful for her openness and her big, beautiful heart. Sonya is the founder of Be Love Movement and came in wanting to kick her self doubt to the curb in all aspects of her life. She was especially ready to quiet the voice that shows up when she’s doing something new in her business who asks ‘who do you think you are?’ She admitted that she floats in and out of confidence, and that she stays in the not confident place more than she’d like. So we embarked upon an embodied experience (called Parts Work) and we did something that might sound counter intuitive; we gave that inner critic the floor. Sonya named him (yes him!) ‘Old Friend’, and when I asked how old Old Friend thought that Sonya was, he said 15. This was not surprising because our inner critics were formed at a time when we needed their protection. When we got curious about what old friend was protecting her from, you may be surprised to hear: ‘the fear of being happy’. After “Old Friend” exited, Sonya came back fully, as her almost 54 year old self, and spoke right back to him. You’ll hear her find a boundary she can actually feel in her body, and thank Old Friend for all those years of protection while letting him know she doesn’t need it anymore. We close with practical ways to keep this alive after the session, from planting your feet on the ground to a cozy blanket at your desk. Tune in to see what’s possible when you shift your relationship with your inner critic in your body, and not just in your head. Episode Highlights: Naming your inner critic, and what NOT to name them. Giving the inner critic the floor to say everything it wants you to hear. What your inner critic is protecting you from, including the fear of being happy. Speaking up for yourself from your full age, wisdom, and experience. Setting a boundary you can feel in your body, not just say. Why thanking your inner critic for its protection is helpful. Catching the critic before you freeze, and why there’s no one right tool. Practices to keep the shift alive: grounding, breath, imagery, and a cozy blanket. Quotables: “I hear you. This is an old story and this is not my truth.” (Sonya Costello) “Thank you for protecting me all these years, and I don’t need your protection anymore.” (Sonya Costello) “I’ve got this. And I’ve got me.” (Sonya Costello) “It’s about claiming your power in that moment where you know that sometimes you have given it away.” (Tosca DiMatteo) “Even if you didn’t catch it, but you’re in the moment, you can come back to it.” (Tosca DiMatteo) About Sonya Sonya Costello is a multi-skilled professional based in Asheville, NC. She owns her own online business management and Pinterest strategy company, teaches yoga, and is a certified Reiki Master. In the past, she's managed a techno music store, a yoga studio, and festival healing arts spaces. She once led 480 strangers in a collective “Om” chant at a TEDx event. Sonya is the founder of two brands, Be Love Biz Solutions and the Be Love Movement, both built on the belief that love is the best and most effective business strategy. Be Love Biz Solutions: https://www.sonyacostello.com/ Be Love Movement: https://www.sonyacostello.com/belovemovement Tosca’s Links and Resources: Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass Sign up for Tosca’s Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter Tosca’s Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/ Production: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com Editing by: Starlin Media

Welcome back to The Unlock Lab. After six live coaching sessions with my client Kathleen (a pseudonym to protect her privacy), I wanted to take a moment to share what’s still sticking with me, a question I often ask my clients at the end of a session: ‘What’s sticking with you now?’  The first thing that stuck with me is that nobody wants to be told what to do. Coaching as a discipline is about showing someone new options when they’re ready to take them in. It’s about helping them reveal what they already know. A side note on this is that when we try to support people who don’t want it or aren't ready, it only drains your energy. The second is how much our past shapes our patterns today. It’s not water under the bridge if you haven’t found your way through it. I don’t believe in the idea that people can be broken, or subscribe to needing to ‘fix’ anything about ourselves. There are only new choices for how we move forward.  The third is the healing power of sharing our stories out loud, whether that’s with a coach, a dear friend, or someone you love. I hope this encourages you to reveal more about your struggles and your wins with people you trust.  Supporting Kathleen on the podcast showed me what brings me the most joy on the podcast, which is being with someone on the journey of their own unlock. So you’re going to find more guests on The Unlock Lab who are working through something and some of those conversations will be live coaching. If you’d like to have your own unlock on the podcast, reach out through the contact information below. I close this episode with something I want to normalize. Career transitions are tough (they’re meant to be), and right now so many industries are being disrupted, and not just by AI. An aha doesn’t mean everything is resolved, and that the path will be linear from there, whether you’re leaving corporate, changing functions, or running your own business. The business or career you built on day one isn’t the business you’ll have on day 1,000. Tune in to hear why this season is the perfect time to let go of the old and make space for the new. Episode Highlights: ‘What’s sticking with you now?’ and why it’s a powerful question after any big conversation. Re-listening without self-judgment, and letting go of ‘what should I have done?’ Why nobody wants to be told what to do, and how coaching helps people find their own path. The energy drain of helping people who don’t want to be helped. How the heavy lifting in coaching shifts from coach to client over time. Why our past shapes our patterns, and why it’s not water under the bridge. Why nobody is broken, and there’s nothing to fix. The healing power of sharing your stories out loud. A shift for the podcast: more guests, more live unlocks, and how to have your own. Career transitions at a mass scale: disruption, restructuring, and the way through. Why an aha isn’t the end of the story, and the path isn’t linear. Your business evolves too: day one versus day 1,000. Letting go of the old to make space for the new. Quotables: “I really don’t believe anybody’s broken. I don’t believe there’s anything to fix.”  “It’s not water under the bridge if you haven’t found your way through it.”  “Hearing other people’s stories, I think, helps us feel less alone.”  Episode Specific Links Interested in having your own unlock on The Unlock Lab? Get in touch: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact Tosca’s Links and Resources: Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass Sign up for Tosca’s Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter Tosca’s Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/ Production: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com Editing by: Starlin Media

This was the final session in the series of six live coaching sessions, and we dive into the topics of money, value, and worth as Kathleen recognized her resistance to paid clients vs unpaid clients. Early on Kathleen names the belief she's been living: that she has to choose between income, fulfillment and legitimacy. She then shares her experience of what’s going on inside her head once a paying client comes knocking at her door; fear fo failure, imposter syndrome, not being worth the money, and many other harsh messages. This led to asking about how she wanted to define success for her business and a deeper discussion about her fears and resistance, inner critic messages and the security she craves. The conversation around living your life differently and having your income arrive through a different source than a company led to what the process looks like in terms of expansion. She realized she was quite attached to her blocks - and what a great question we can ask ourselves. Are you attached to your blocks and challenges? As Kathleen shares about her experiences as a child, she starts to see the deeper belief system that she’s been holding onto that isn’t aligned. Part of this had to do with recognizing that she had a parent that had a complicated relationship with money and that it impacted her more than she really realized. She admitted that it was first time she was able to connect the dots of how money was viewed growing up as she’s grappling with the shift of corporate versus entrepreneurship career options. And that deeper still she could see that the real issue wasn’t about financial security - it was about emotional presence. I think this session shows how you think you're going to look at one topic and end up finding something underneath it, which has been the subconscious reasons behind your decision patterns. There was so much to this exploration I hope you dive in to see what connections you can make in your own patterns. This ending is bittersweet for me. Being able to stand alongside Kathleen on this incredible ride brought richness to my life and now I trust that the next leg of her journey is exactly what she needs. Tune in to see how it all wrapped up and how Kathleen was unwavering in digging deeper and deeper for the truth. Episode Highlights: The belief that you must choose between income, fulfillment, and legitimacy.Seeing a long-held belief clearly enough to recognize it was never true.Why resolving something internally changes what you experience externally.How it can be harder to identify what’s missing in what we need.How money can be the default issue behind other needs.Quotables: "It was always an illusion that you came to believe was the truth." — Tosca DiMatteo"It was like a giant misunderstanding." — Kathleen"When something isn't resolved inside of you, the world gives you the gift of an opportunity to resolve it." — KathleenResources Mentioned: Never Search AloneTosca's Links and Resources: Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: Inner Critic CompassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: NewsletterTosca's Website: toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: Contact ToscaLinkedIn: Tosca DiMatteo on LinkedInInstagram: Tosca DiMatteo on InstagramProduction: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

In this session number 5 of 6 with Kathleen we started with a debrief from a Dreams and Obstacles event that she attended, which was inspired by Barbara Sher's framework. It was a power move for her to do the work to get ready to say her dream out loud and make the ask in front of room filled with generous people eager to help. The surprise twist is that she didn’t get the chance to do so, but realized that the journey of the preparation was the bigger bigger point than the destination itself. She realized that the point wasn’t to ‘hit the easy button’, but rather about the experience of being at the event. Kathleen also shared insights around how her energy got unstuck, including the big shift from thinking about all the reasons her dreams wouldn’t be possible, to thinking about all the possibilities.  We then dove into her business positioning and messaging conversation. But this wasn’t an exercise in identifying marketing strategy and language, it was about talking freely about the experiences that Kathleen has grown through, and how she wants to help others. At one point she said “I’m having a realization as I’m saying this” and that’s exactly why I think being able to speak your story aloud to someone that can hold it is so helpful. Deep insights can come from hearing your story reflected back to you. When you listen to her talk about the kind of service she wants to provide the world, I think it will spark new insights about how your past is connected to what you’re passionate about now.  You’ll also hear about Kathleen’s journey with her advertising and marketing career - the push and the pull of what she thinks about that work now, and how that impacts how she thinks about the marketing of her own business. This is great fodder for anyone who is toggling between a career you’ve had, and a different path you’re drawn to now.  Towards the end of the session Kathleen mentioned a block she'd only found days earlier; that for her money and value can't seem to live in the same room. She's been fine earning while doing work she didn't care about, but now that the work matters, taking money for it feels wrong. A strong contender for the topic for her last session in this series.  This episode is jam packed with stories and insights - and I have no doubt you will walk away with powerful questions and insights for your own journey.  Episode Highlights: Why speaking your dreams and asking out loud for what you need is powerful. Why the outcome is irrelevant, and hearing your own voice is the real win. What validation really is, and why it's more powerful than we give it credit for. Blending somatic wisdom with analytical tools instead of choosing between them. The money block: I can be paid or I can be fulfilled, but not both. Quotables: "The outcome is irrelevant. It's the process of you getting to hear your own voice." — Tosca DiMatteo "True validation is helping people get more clear on what they already know, and being generous enough to not be focused on taking up our space." — Kathleen "It's like the money and the value can't live in the same room right now." — Kathleen Episode Specific Links Barbra Sher’s Ted Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2rG4Dg6xyI Tosca's Links and Resources: Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/ Production: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com Editing by: Starlin Media

Something shifted for Kathleen between her third and fourth coaching sessions. This is such a powerful example of how the sessions are a container for what needs to come to the surface. AND the real transformation takes place in the integration and digestion of the conversation, and even more so in the choices my clients make when I’m not standing by their side. Kathleen came to the session with momentum and the decision to commit to what she really wants, instead of worrying about what is or is not possible. It was a huge power move and I asked her to reflect on what actually got her unstuck. Because when you understand how you got out of the funk, you can reach for those same tools next time. Kathleen reflected on the actions she took in the previous week and we celebrated all the wins. One of these wins involved a cold call that will inspire you to pick of the phone in the pursuit of your passions! I hope this reminds you to look at all of your wins this past week, month or even year! When you tune in, you will hear that Kathleen recognized that the new news was not in the actions she took, but rather in the realization that she stopped doubting herself. She had more faith and self confidence, which allowed her to access the knowledge she had in her conversations and collaborations. The conversation then shifted into different territory because she was looking for support in articulating what she actually does. She admits the block isn't just language, it's the fear of owning it and her worry about her new line of work feeling fraudulent. In the course of this conversation I put on a different hat to better understand her skills and do that personal brand excavation. Part of this was about delineating the difference between building what you want to build, instead of the thing you think you should build. Episode Highlights: Reviewing Kathleen’s breakthrough and identifying the contributing factors.Why the real work so often happens between sessions.The fraudulent feeling that comes with claiming an ability to help people.Brand and story excavation that doesn’t use industry jargon.Building what you want versus building what you think you should.Quotables: "There's something about that that feels like I can't claim it, like it feels fraudulent. And maybe that's the real thing that needs to be sorted out." — Kathleen "It takes people years to recognize ‘I built what I thought I should build versus I built what I want to build’." — Tosca DiMatteo "So much of what happens actually isn't in these sessions. It's in the work my clients do in between." — Tosca DiMatteo Tosca's Links and Resources: Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

This is the third session (out of six) with my client Kathleen, and we explored options for the focus of our conversation as she didn’t have something in mind at the start—which is common with lots of clients. There was palpable resistance for a good portion of the session, but then you’ll feel how the energy started to shift as Kathleen bravely stayed in the process. Pay attention to the 9-box exercise that you can use in your own life around your mindset towards job applications—or anything else that you completely loathe. The insight that came after I walked Kathleen through it might surprise you. It wasn’t about finding a new mindset that brought more levity to a task she despised, but rather about recognizing there was a different option that felt less heavy altogether. Toward the end, we land somewhere you may not expect: celebration. Kathleen shared an incredible breakthrough that she had in the week between sessions. This led us to talk about how much easier it is to celebrate everyone else except ourselves. We also talked about the relief and liberation in unhiding, and the difference between enthusiasm and optimism. Tune in to hear what resistance looks and sounds like as an observer, and discover how you might be diminishing your own wins. Episode Highlights What resistance sounds like in a session, and why it isn't failure. Holding many truths at once, and what that looks like. Assessing the job before the application, and the implications. The nine-box exercise, and what it revealed about her job search. Commitment celebration and small daily wins. Enthusiasm versus optimism, and why optimism for yourself is the harder one. The tectonic plates effect: internal shifts that show up externally later.Quotables “I can press on the gas all I want, but if the tree is blocking the car, the car is not going anywhere.” — Kathleen “It's so much easier for us to celebrate others than it is for us to celebrate ourselves.” — Tosca DiMatteo “For a long time I had a hard time believing that things were possible for me, but I could believe it to the moon and back for everybody else.” — Tosca DiMatteo Tosca's Links and Resources Take the Inner Critic Compass Quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass Sign Up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/ Production Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.com Editing by Starlin Media

This is the second session for my client Kathleen, and we start with what she noticed after our first conversation. We talked about how she felt completely drained afterward, like someone had drugged her. I shared how that’s not a bad sign, and that it’s a sign that the work is happening in her body and not just in her head. Next we explore what she'd been sitting with between sessions, and something surfaces that neither of us went looking for. The conversation started with the fear of disappointment, and she finds the layer underneath it, which is unworthiness. She goes between thinking ‘if it doesn't happen, it's because I'm not good enough. And if it does happen, I'll feel a different version of not good enough, like I don't belong here.’ We also talk about what lights her up, and I point out something I want you to catch: what she describes is context agnostic. While she did talk about it in context with the business she’s launching, it could apply to any job, situation or career path. This is helpful because once you know the dynamics that energize you, you can place that anywhere. You'll discover that this session doesn't land on a tidy conclusion, which is often how it goes. The hope is that we bring what needs to come to the surface in the conversation and we don’t always get to “what now”, in the session itself. Tune in to hear what happens when you go one layer deeper than the first insight that comes to the surface. Episode Highlights: Why she felt physically depleted after session one, and what that indicates.The layer underneath the fear of disappointment.Why knowing what excites you can be an insight for any context.The zero to ten worthiness scale, and what would move her one tenth of a point.The desire to address the tree in the way, while dreading it at the same time.Quotables: "There's another layer underneath the fear of disappointment, which is the fear of unworthiness." — Kathleen "The fact that you have a physical manifestation is an indication that the work is happening in your body, and not just in your head." — Tosca DiMatteo "Knowing what the dynamics are can be super helpful, because you can place that anywhere." — Tosca DiMatteo Tosca's Links and Resources: Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

Welcome to this special series where you get to bear witness and experience live coaching with a real client. Through the generosity of my client, who we're calling Kathleen to protect her privacy, you get to sit in on six full coaching sessions, recorded live. It’s the first time I’ve ever done this, and I’m thrilled for you to discover your own unlock in the process. In this first session, I skip most of the usual relationship building, because Kathleen comes in ripe with what's happening in her life and I like to honor whatever is needed in the moment. You will soon discover that she was recently laid off, building a business she never planned to build, and feeling in her words ‘jumbled’. Her words for it: ‘it's a fork in the road, but the fork has a thousand tiny forks in between’. She's applying for jobs while quietly hoping none of them work out. She describes the choice as suffocation on one side, with failure and poverty on the other. Her life is on hold, her things are in storage, and decisions as big as having children are waiting on this to resolve. We work through the emotions; the pull between should and want, and I offer her an experiment to find the truth of what she wants. The exercise is to notice, without judgment, whether each thing you do today is something you want to do or something you think you should do. The goal is not to change the decision, just to see what’s driving it. I also offer her a reframe (and metaphor) about her jumbled life. Her puzzle got shaken up, and all the pieces are still in the air. She's trying to force them back into the old picture. But putting together a picture that already exists can be harder than letting the pieces land somewhere new. Tune in to hear what happens when you stop trying to figure out the whole picture, and start to trust the truth of your micro decisions. Episode Highlights: Why we skipped the standard first session structure and went straight into what was present.The jumbledness: applying for jobs while energetically blocking them.Should versus want, and the awareness exercise offered.Why the forcing is the overwhelm.The exhaustion that shows up after deep work.Quotables: "It feels like to try to picture squeezing myself back through a keyhole into something I don't really want to do, versus just take all the wheels off of the bus and try to drive it anyway." — Kathleen "You're exactly where you're meant to be right now, in that confusion, in the fog, in the overwhelm." — Tosca DiMatteo "When we're in overwhelm and we're in a state of feeling all over the place, anchoring in what we want can be very helpful as a starting point." — Tosca DiMatteo Tosca's Links and Resources: Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

Today I talk about the difference between asking the top-layer question about getting unstuck and going to the deeper question underneath it. Getting unstuck requires asking yourself different questions. The reason it's so hard to do on your own is that you’re used to asking yourself the same questions over and over—and giving yourself the same answers over and over. For the past eight years, folks have come to me to help them get unstuck, whether it's in their personal, professional, or business life. And when they do, rarely do I answer their first questions because I know there's a more important one underneath it. In this episode, I walk you through five real scenarios so you can see yourself in one of them. Whether you’re frustrated in your job or want to show up more confidently with your boss, underneath the stuckness is often an unmet need. That need is usually one you're not conscious of—or one you don't want to admit you have. Episode Highlights: Why we can't get unstuck alone: same questions, same answers, on repeat. Scenario 1: Should I stay or go, and the deeper question about what you actually need. Scenario 2: Why confidence work is really inner critic work. Scenario 3: “Is this all there is?” and the permission slip you’re looking for. Scenario 4: Needing to leave without knowing what's next, and why there are more pathways than the two you see. Scenario 5: Growing a business when the real block is worthiness, not strategy. Exposure to a list of unacknowledged needs, from being witnessed in your pain to learning to trust yourself again.Quotables: “Getting unstuck requires asking yourself different questions.” “Your inner critic voice is not telling you the truth.” “Maybe what you need to know is that your only job is to not abandon yourself or your big dreams.” “When you are stuck, it's often because you can only see one or two pathways forward. Actually, the universe wants you to think more expansively.” “Slowing down isn't blasphemy and it's not laziness. It's actually the medicine that you need.” Tosca's Links and Resources: Take the Inner Critic Compass Quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/ Production: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.com Editing by Starlin Media

I want to talk about being in between things, and more specifically being in between jobs, because it can be a really difficult place. We don't get much direction and almost no education about the emotional journey that comes with it. Even placement companies that help people find their next role don't address the emotional roller coaster that comes with being let go, or choosing to leave. Addressing this ride will do more good than any resume update ever will. Here’s the truth about my thoughts on taking advantage of the inbetween; I have no roadmap for you. Nobody has one (no matter what they try and sell you), and I think this is what’s so uncomfortable. The roadmap you may gravitate towards is to 1. update the resume 2. submit 3. submit 4. submit 5. network 6. repeat. If that’s your entire plan then you’re missing a huge opportunity. The space between jobs or clients isn't about suffering in the unknowing, it's about becoming the next version of you and building the capacity to hold what's coming next. In this episode I talk to you about nine things you can experiment with: diving into your health and wellness, giving yourself a change of scenery, doing activities that ground you, clearing and cleaning and organizing your space, trying something new and giving yourself permission to do it badly, meeting up with your network with no strings attached, deeply understanding your personal brand, journaling, and investing in the support you actually need. This last one is the biggest mistake I see; people don't give themselves the resources to get through uncertainty with more ease. And by success I don't mean landing faster, I mean feeling good about the journey instead of focusing solely on the destination. Episode Highlights:Why there's no roadmap for the in between, and why that's the whole point.Diving into health and wellness, including the appointments you've been putting off.Why a change of scenery lets you be yourself again without proving anything.Grounding practices for when your nervous system feels flung in the air.The clearing story: old papers in the trash, five clients in five days.Trying something new and giving yourself permission to be bad at it.The number one mistake people make in between jobs.Quotables:"I have no roadmap for you. And I think that's why this is so uncomfortable for people." "The space is about you becoming that next version of you, you being able to hold what's coming next." "I cleared out all these old papers and literally within five days I had five clients. Moving the energy around is real.” "I hate trying to learn new things because I hate being bad at things. If you're resisting it, maybe that's the way through." "They don't give themselves the resources to get through this time with more ease and with more success." Tosca's Links and Resources:Association for Talent Development article referenced:https://www.toscadimatteo.com/_files/ugd/23d731_1fd2b0e81aee4559b95c21b675639bfe.pdf Stop letting self-doubt dictate your decisions. Take back the power from your inner critic and take the Inner Critic Compass today to see which one is running your show. As a gift, I'll send you a toolkit to help you on your path to be your own best friend: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter:http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter Tosca's Website:https://www.toscadimatteo.com Get in Touch with Tosca:https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact Linkedin:https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/ Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/ Props for:Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.com

It's eight years to the month, almost to the day, since I put in my notice and left corporate for good. It’s not a sexy story, which is exactly why I wanted to talk about it. I first share the story about how I never wanted to be an entrepreneur, nor was that encouraged. I was encouraged to go get an education and get a J-O-B in an office, versus the very labor-intensive path that my father took. So you can imagine why entrepreneurship was never a dream of mine. On top of this, I watched my parents struggle financially, and at 22 I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, which only solidified my belief that I needed somebody else to write my paycheck so that I could afford healthcare. So how the heck did I end up running my own business? In 2018, there was a large possibility that my husband’s career would take us to a different state, and for the first time in my entire linear career I stopped to ask myself: What else is possible? We never moved, but my inquiry continued. My heart knew it was time to go, but my mind gave me every possible reason to stay, especially without knowing what was next. I eventually realized those inner critic voices were fear-based and scarcity-based, and they were not my true beliefs. That was the unlock that led me to quit without a plan. And I mean I had no idea. No plan to launch a business and certainly no side hustle waiting in the wings. My one plan was to earn a coaching certification because I thought it would anchor me. So again, I'm sharing this because it is not a sexy story. There’s a version of the entrepreneurship story where someone builds it on the side and grows it until it replaces their income. While that’s true for some, I think everyone’s story is completely unique. I think most big transitions involve a lot more fumbling through immediate next steps than a 12-point plan at the start. Episode Highlights Why entrepreneurship was never the plan, and how a type 1 diabetes diagnosis at 22 reinforced the need for a steady paycheck. The question that started everything: What else is possible? How inner critic work revealed that the voices telling me to stay were fear-based, not true. Why setting an arbitrary quit date with two friends created the accountability that made my choice real. Why the energy behind running away from something versus going toward something is completely different. What eight years of entrepreneurship taught me about redefining success.Quotables “All those inner critic thoughts were not mine. They were fear-based and scarcity-based, but it wasn't what I truly believed.” “Sometimes we know a lot less than we wish we knew when we're making a big change.” “It's called a leap of faith because you don't have all the information and you don't have the 12-step plan.” “I told myself for years that I really valued a consistent paycheck. I've come to learn that's actually really at the bottom of the list.” “You don't need a perfect roadmap and you don't need all the answers. You just need to listen to yourself in a way that maybe you never have.” Tosca's Links & Resources Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter Tosca's Website Get in Touch with Tosca LinkedIn InstagramProductionAudio theme music by Adrian DiMatteoadriandimatteo.com Editing by Starlin Media

I'm with you for my first solo episode in a few weeks and am being honest about where I am right now: in the middle of a liminal phase. Asking what's the next phase of me, what do I not want to bring with me, and what more of my truth do I want to bring to the table. Most of us are somewhere in that journey of becoming the next version of ourselves, and it can be the most difficult place to be. I'm in it, I don't have it all figured out, and still I know it's going to be okay. I share what came out of my trip to Yellowstone this summer, starting with something I don't think we talk about enough: setting yourself up for success for when you take time off. Knowing what you need, what boundaries you have to hold, and being honest about the dynamics that actually work for you is key to making your time off an opportunity to be replenished. If you keep coming back from vacations more depleted than when you left, that's worth looking at. I talk about the crazy news cycle around the man who was flung by a bison while in Yellowstone, and what it revealed about where we put our attention. When we're consumed by the spectacle and the drama, we're not focused on what actually moves us forward. That happens at work and in life as well; are you playing victim, persecutor, or rescuer? And what would need to change for you to enter the fall in a better state of mind and heart? And finally, I talk about a secret hobby: the fact that I take photos everywhere I travel and yet they stay under wraps. I have told myself for years they weren't special and nobody cared. That's my inner critic talking - but not what I truly believe. So what brings you joy that you aren't giving yourself permission to do? What gift are you keeping under wraps that people would actually benefit from? Summer isn't over. Ask yourself what you need in these last weeks of it. Episode Highlights: What a liminal phase actually feels like, and why it's so uncomfortable to be in one.Why setting up a vacation for success matters more than the destination.The hard truth about visitors, family dynamics, and time limits you refuse to enforce.Nature, boredom, and why humans were never designed to constantly go-go-go.The bison story and the drama triangle: victim, persecutor, rescuer.The inner critic that tells you your gifts aren't worth sharing.Quotables: "Most of us are in a liminal phase. Most of us are in that journey of becoming the next version of who we are." "You're doing it to your damn self. You have nobody else to blame but yourself when you set things up that you know aren't going to work for you." "If you spend your time and energy focusing on the drama in your life, then you are not focusing on things that are going to move you forward." "Humans were not designed for constantly go-go-going." "Let the sun shine the light on what you bring to the table, because it's not just you that benefits, it's other people too." Tosca's Links and Resources: Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: Tosca DiMatteoInstagram: @toscadimatteoProduction: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

In this episode I have a riveting conversation with Susan A. Miele; author of the recently released 'PAUSED.', scholar, and former HR C-suite executive. Drawing from her own experience and her PhD in Human and Organizational Systems, her passion is at the intersection of personal transformation, theory, and leadership. Susan is one of the 12% of women who went through menopause before 45, and hers went undiagnosed for years. Her performance declined, doctors told her it was stress and anxiety, and she resigned from the job she'd built her whole life around. In the process of trying to "get back" to where she was, she downsized her house and just when she was about to start a new role, her house literally went up in flames. Susan describes standing there thinking everything was gone, and realizing somewhere in the process of rebuilding the house that she also had to rebuild herself. There was no going back. That person was gone. What she found on the other side was returning to the C-suite seven years later as a completely different leader. Her purpose shifted from ambition to enabling other people. Her values softened from success and drive to compassion, curiosity, honesty, and bravery. She became in her words 'much more human'. This conversation covers so much ground; from how identity forms young, to why so many high performers blur the line between who they are and what they do, and what liminality actually asks of you. As the title of her book reveals, we also talk about why the pause is not permanent but is sometimes essential. Episode Highlights: Why 25-30% of women step out of the workforce because of menopause symptoms, and what that costs the leadership pipeline.How Susan conflated ambition with purpose, and why that made rest impossible.The identity framework: who am I, how did I get here, and where am I going.Losing the job, the health, and the house, and what rebuilding actually required.How her leadership shifted from performative to human in her second C-suite chapter.How do you coach someone who is living outside their own values?Liminality: the space between two knowns, and how to get unstuck.Quotables: "They don't know themselves without their job. What they do is who they are. And there's no daylight in between them." — Susan A. Miele "My ambition became my purpose. I conflated ambition and purpose like they were one and the same." — Susan A. Miele "I wasn't going back. That person was gone. There was no going back to that. That narrative ended." — Susan A. Miele "You have the pen in this situation and you can rewrite your story." — Tosca DiMatteo "It is the discomfort where the biggest growth comes from." — Susan A. Miele About the Guest: Susan A. Miele, PhD is an author, speaker, and organizational consultant whose work sits at the intersection of identity theory and life transition, professional and personal. A writer, scholar, and former C-suite executive, she explores how identity is dismantled and redefined through life's transitions. Drawing from her own experience and her PhD in Human and Organizational Systems, she writes at the intersection of personal transformation, theory, and leadership, examining how we think about belonging, success, and change. A lifelong learner and dedicated yogi, Susan infuses her writing and speaking with mindfulness and compassion. Her work invites readers and organizations alike to see disruption not as loss, but as a profound opportunity for growth. She lives in Portland, Maine with her husband, Ken. Connect with Susan A. Miele, PhD: Website: susanmiele.comLinkedIn: Susan A. Miele, PhDSubstack: substack.com/@susanmieleTosca's Links and Resources: Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: Tosca DiMatteoInstagram: @toscadimatteoProduction: Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

Most communication advice tells you to say X words in Y tone and get Z outcome, but influence has never worked that way. In this episode I sit down with Casey Erin Clark and Julie Fogh, co-founders of Vital Voice Training (VVT) and co-authors of The Authenticity Code. These are the women behind the support around my own keynote work, so I have been blessed to be on the receiving end of their magic. They founded VVT in 2014, in the middle of what they call the great moral panic over vocal fry, when every article was explaining what women needed to fix about their voices to be taken seriously. Their answer then is still their answer now: that advice sucks, and it does not actually help you show up. This episode is not just for women though, so hang in here. Our conversation covers lots of ground including why "bringing your whole self to work" is s****y advice and how to better prepare for walking into your meetings. Julie explains why rehearsing your exact words is like writing a play that nobody else has lines for, and reframes intimidation as something that can come from holding your own power, not from making anyone else smaller. We get honest about what AI is doing to the way we sound and how it's messing with the beautiful rough edges of our ideas. Casey talks about how this shows up on LinkedIn and Julie makes the case that the edges we're sanding off were the whole reason anyone was listening. Tune in if you've ever been told to speak up more, or been called 'too much' of fill-in-the-blank and made yourself smaller to fix it. Quotables: Julie Fogh: "The goal is actually not to bring your whole self to work. I think that expectation has gotten a lot of people really messed up in their heads, because they think they're supposed to be just as open and relaxed at work as they are with their dearest friends. And I don't think our nervous systems are set up that way." Julie Fogh: "Well, I want to have power, but I don't want to be intimidating. And my answer is: are you sure? Because intimidation doesn't have to be grotesque. It doesn't have to be something that makes someone else shrink, or makes them small. It can be about your own power." Casey Erin Clark: "What is the standard that I want for myself that honors my core values, that honors the mark I want to make in the world, and that allows me to imagine a better future?" Stop letting self-doubt dictate your decisions. Take back the power from your inner critic and take the Inner Critic Compass today to see which one is running your show. As a gift, I'll send you a toolkit to help you on your path to be your own best friend. Connect with Casey and Julie: Vital Voice TrainingCasey Erin Clark on LinkedInJulie Fogh on LinkedInBook: The Authenticity Code. Podcast: VOICE(IS)Free monthly Zoom office hours, sign up hereTosca's Links and Resources: Sign up for Tosca's Newslettertoscadimatteo.comLinkedIn and InstagramIf you enjoy The Unlock Lab, please rate, follow, and review wherever you listen. It helps more people find us. Music: Adrian DiMatteo. Editing: Starlin Media.

When was the last time you completely shut down? No email, no chores, no doing anything at all. If that question makes you squirm, your vacation inner critic is louder than you think. In this episode, I'm calling out the voices that keep you from taking real time off. The ones that say 'you'll fall behind', 'you'll lose momentum', 'now is a terrible time.' Those voices are lies. We've been conditioned by a system that treats two weeks a year like it's enough, and your body and mind pay the price. Let's talk about how to figure out what kind of break you actually need, because it may not be what you think it ought to be. Maybe it's adventure. Maybe it's family time. Maybe it's staring at the sky and thinking of nothing but the color of that blue. I share the small steps that get you to the bigger swaths of time where you truly decompress. Because here's the truth: rest is not the opposite of productivity. Rest is what fills you back up so you can be in flow and productive again. In this episode: The messages we received about taking breaks, and how to decondition from them (01:35) What your vacation inner critic sounds like (02:31) Why infrequent vacations take longer to sink into, and what your nervous system has to do with it (08:21) Vacation is a choice: where there's a will, there's a way (09:39) Three days, four days, 15 days: the length of a hair in the timeline of your life (11:29) Detoxing from stimulation, doing, and constant contact (16:26) The expansive questions to counter your inner critic (17:13)Quotables: "Whatever excuse you're putting in front of you is a damn lie. Inner critics tell us lies about what will happen, and what they don't do is tell us what's possible." (07:22) "It might be hard for some folks to give themselves permission to shut off because who are you if you're not in fight or flight mode?" (09:12) "You take three days, four days, hell, 15 days. When you really think about that in the whole timeline of your life, it's the length of a hair. It's nothing." (11:29) "We are conditioned to think that productivity is everything, and in fact, the most productive thing you can do is rest when you need rest." (18:14)Not sure which inner critic is running the show? Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz and find out in under 3 minutes: toscadimatteo.com Mentioned in this episode:Ep. 7 Inner Critics 101 (earlier episode of the podcast) Tosca's Links and Resources: Sign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Props for:Theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.comPodcast Editing: Starlin Media Note: This episode was recorded in June, 2024