Advertise on podcast: Ancient Yelp

From the Subura to the Via Sacra, Roman customers weren't shy about their footwear failures. We're counting down the five sandal-makers whose products fell apart faster than you could say 'caligae,' featuring actual complaints about straps that snapped mid-procession, soles that separated on sacred ground, and one unfortunate pair that allegedly dissolved in a light drizzle.

When a Roman visitor traveled all the way to Egypt's legendary pyramids around 30 BCE, he expected wonder and majesty. Instead, he left behind one of history's most hilariously petty pieces of graffiti. We decode his complaints, compare them to other ancient tourist reviews carved into the monuments, and discover why even the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World couldn't escape a one-star rating.

Which empire had the worst chariot mechanics? We're pitting Rome's Circus Maximus workshops against Constantinople's Hippodrome garages in the ultimate ancient automotive showdown. From accusations of deliberately weakening rival teams' wheels to outrageous markup on imported Egyptian parts, these one-star reviews prove that shady mechanics are truly timeless.

Watered-down wine, surly servers, and philosophers who wouldn't shut up—ancient Athens had taverns that would make you wish you'd stayed home with a jug of vinegar. We're ranking the five drinking establishments that earned the most scathing reviews from their customers, from Aristophanes' satirical roasts to angry graffiti scratched into walls.

In 1750 BCE, an irate customer named Nanni carved his fury into clay, demanding to know why merchant Ea-Nasir delivered substandard copper ingots and treated his servant like dirt. We excavate the full story behind history's first one-star review, explore why Ea-Nasir kept this scathing complaint in his house, and reveal what archaeology tells us about Bronze Age consumer protection.

When ancient Rome's elite wanted to soak, steam, and socialize, they had choices—and opinions. We're diving into the scalding hot rivalry between the Baths of Caracalla and the Baths of Diocletian, where everything from mosaic quality to towel service to 'caldarium temperature consistency' became grounds for brutal one-star takedowns.

Before slumlords, there were insulae lords. We're ranking the top five tenant horror stories from Ancient Rome's crumbling apartment blocks—featuring collapsing walls, chamber pot showers from upper floors, and landlords who made Crassus look charitable. Turns out 'luxury building with Colosseum views' meant something very different in 100 CE.

In 79 CE, someone was so fed up with their local baker that they carved their grievance into a wall—and it lasted 2,000 years. We dive deep into the scathing review left for Gaius Julius Polybius, what it tells us about Roman bread drama, and why ancient customers weren't afraid to publicly drag bad service into eternity.

Peopl + internet = absurdity

Ancient Yelp best of episode!

Ancient Yelp best of episode!

READ THE INSTRUCTIONS

Entertaining reviews

The things some people say

Some people don't read the directions