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What does it actually take to move from self-hatred toward self-love? In this episode, Tom talks with James Guay, LMFT, about the lifelong process of building a healthier relationship with ourselves as gay men. James explores how internalized homophobia, family and societal expectations, perfectionism, body image, workaholism, people-pleasing, and self-betrayal can all become ways of rejecting ourselves, even when we don't consciously think of ourselves as self-critical. Rather than treating self-love as a destination, he describes a gradual movement toward tolerance, neutrality, acceptance, and eventually greater care and friendship with ourselves. The conversation also looks at James's own journey, including the role of therapy, relationships, gymnastics, hiking, and reconnecting with his inner child. Nature has become a particularly meaningful space for him to practice mindfulness, listen to his body, let go of expectations, and reconnect with a sense of spirituality after difficult religious experiences. Tom and James also discuss masculinity, aging, social media, community healing, and the pressure gay men can feel to look, live, and succeed a certain way. Ultimately, James offers a hopeful message: self-worth isn't something we have to earn, and learning to know ourselves, honor our needs, set boundaries, and live more authentically is a lifelong process. About James: James Guay, LMFT, is a psychotherapist with three decades of experience helping people develop greater self-compassion, authenticity, and more fulfilling relationships. As a gay man and survivor of conversion therapy, James brings both personal and professional perspectives to his work around LGBTQ+ identity, shame, relationships, and self-acceptance. A former competitive gymnast and NCAA All-American, James has also explored his own evolving relationship with achievement, identity, and self-worth. These days, he's an avid hiker and backpacker who finds in nature a powerful way to reconnect with himself and what matters most. Connect with James: Website: https://www.livingmorefully.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jamesguaylmft/ YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@LivingMoreFully Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

In this episode, Tom sits down with DaddyGuru, to explore tantra, spirituality, erotic maturity, and healing for gay men. Drawing from his book, You Are the Love of Your Life, Daddy Guru shares how his own journey led him to tantric yoga and to creating retreats focused on self-awareness, connection, and healing. They discuss kundalini energy, the inner child, and the importance of reconnecting with the parts of ourselves that may have been shaped by trauma, shame, or societal expectations. Daddy Guru explains why intimacy begins with ourselves and how understanding our own energy, boundaries, and vulnerability can change the way we connect with others. The conversation also explores the role of touch in healing. Daddy Guru describes his retreats, which combine breathwork, meditation, sensuality, and structured touch exercises to help participants become more present in their bodies and experience connection without pressure to perform. Throughout the episode, Tom and Daddy Guru consider how spirituality and psychology can work together in healing. His central message is that we are already whole—and that by embracing both our light and our shadow, reconnecting with our inner child, and learning to love ourselves, we can create more nourishing relationships with others. About DaddyGuru: John Kristopher Thomsen — known to his students and clients as DaddyGuru — is a Canadian Tantric teacher, intimacy healer, and spiritual guide based at Casa Kāma, his spiritual finca and healing sanctuary in western Costa Rica. In 1984, at the age of 20, he came out of the closet at the height of the AIDS epidemic and has spent the last 42 years navigating the full terrain of gay male life — including surviving both physical and sexual abuse, a 28-year marriage that ultimately came apart under the weight of unrealistic erotic expectations within gay culture, and an awakening at a Tantra retreat in Spain that changed the direction of his life forever. Today he works with gay men navigating the gap between erotic freedom and real intimacy, drawing on Tantra, somatic awareness, and inner child work. He's the author of the new book You Are the Love of Your Life, which serves as the foundation of his healing practice and what he teaches. Connect with DaddyGuru: Website: theDaddyGuru.com Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H6HJ9LSM Instagram: theDaddyGuru YouTube Channel: theDaddyGuru TikTok: theDaddyGuru Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

In this episode, Tom sits down with writer and sex educator Aidan Wharton, creator of Gay Buffet, to talk about gay sex education, relationships, sexual pleasure, and queer joy. Aidan shares how his community-driven work grew from a newsletter into a platform exploring the questions gay men actually want answered. They discuss open relationships, monogamy, boundaries, sexual communication, and why different relationship structures can work for different people. Aidan also shares what he has learned from his community about topics including poppers, gooning, threesomes, and sexual curiosity, all while trying to make conversations about sex more accessible and less shame-based. The conversation also explores how gay men often learn about sex through community rather than traditional sex education, and how dating apps and digital communication are changing the way people experience intimacy, consent, and desire. Finally, Aidan talks about queer joy and why celebrating pleasure, connection, and the experience of being gay matters. At the heart of his work is a simple idea: despite our differences, most of us are looking for love, connection, safety, and belonging. About Aidan: Aidan Wharton is a writer originally from Hawaii, but now based in New York. He’s the creator of Gay Buffet, a Substack bestseller focusing on gay sex, open relationships, and self-improvement. He is also the host of Getting Close (on summer hiatus), a podcast dedicated to reviving connection in our increasingly isolating digital world. His work centers queer joy, nuance, and empathy as he tries to make his corner of the world a better place one connection at a time. Connect with Aidan: Substack: gaybuffet.substack.com Instagram: @aidanwharton YouTube Channel: @gettingclosepod TikTok: @aidanwharton Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

What are the biggest issues dividing gay men and the LGBTQ+ community today? In this candid conversation, Tom welcomes therapist Michael Pezzullo back to explore some of the most controversial and complicated topics facing the community, from identity and language to monogamy, non-monogamy, substance use, masculinity, loneliness, and political division. Michael and Tom discuss why some gay men identify as queer while others strongly prefer “gay,” and why people should have the freedom to define themselves on their own terms. They also explore the importance of differentiation: learning to coexist with people who hold different beliefs without feeling the need to change their minds. The conversation then turns to monogamy and non-monogamy, including why both relationship structures deserve space within the gay community and how limited dating pools can create frustration and conflict. Michael and Tom also tackle meth use and substance use in gay spaces, the connection between drugs, sex, and loneliness, and the difficulty of building genuine community and friendship as adult men. They discuss masculinity, the growing “manosphere,” feminism, and whether young men are receiving messages that help them feel valued and connected. Throughout, the conversation returns to a central question: How can we create a community where people are free to be themselves without turning differences into division? A wide-ranging, provocative discussion about identity, relationships, masculinity, mental health, substance use, loneliness, and what it means to build a healthier gay community. About Michael: Michael Pezzullo, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in West Hollywood who specializes in working with gay men navigating relationships, dating, and sex. Through his clinical work and YouTube channel, he helps gay men build self-confidence through authenticity, assertiveness, and emotional endurance. Connect with Michael: Website: www.michaelpezzullo.com Instagram: @michaelpezzullolmft YouTube: @Therapy-for-Gay-Men TikTok: @michaelpezzullolmft Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

What happens when chronic pain intersects with queer identity, minority stress, and isolation? In this episode, Tom speaks with Ian A. Lane, PhD, RN, pain management specialist, nurse consultant, and author of Pain, Power, and Pride. Ian explains why emotional regulation is an essential part of pain management and why telling someone that their pain is “all in their head” can be especially harmful for LGBTQ+ patients who already face dismissal and discrimination in healthcare. The conversation explores the powerful role relationships and peer support can play in living with chronic pain. Tom and Ian discuss how partners, chosen family, friendships, and groups of people with shared experiences can provide forms of connection that individual healthcare providers often cannot. Ian also offers practical guidance for queer people living with chronic pain, emphasizing the importance of not isolating yourself and leaning on your support network. He explains how minority stress and social isolation can affect pain across the life course, and why seeking support is not a burden. This episode offers an affirming, evidence-informed perspective on chronic pain, healthcare, relationships, and the importance of being seen and supported as a whole person. About Ian: Dr. Lane is an independent nurse consultant and pain management specialist, interested in pain and palliative care needs in LGBT individuals. He is especially interested in the intersection between emotional and physical pain, and the social and contextual factors that influence our pain. Connect with Ian: Website: https://about.me/ianlane/ Book: https://a.co/d/0fF1Mf66 Instagram: @TheGayPainGuy YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/@thegaypainguy?si=i58qDseek4tYS4xt Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

Why are so many gay men still struggling with loneliness, shame, and disconnection in 2026? In this conversation, Tom talks with therapist Brian Spitulnik about the lasting impact of growing up gay in a heterosexist world and why those experiences can continue shaping us long after we come out. Brian explores how gay men can build fortresses around shame, disconnect from their bodies and desires, and mistake self-protection for simply “who they are.” He also discusses the importance of real-life community in an era dominated by social media, dating apps, and constant digital connection, sharing how online groups can sometimes become a bridge to deeper in-person relationships. The conversation moves into sexuality, embodiment, and the difference between authentic preference and patterns shaped by trauma or shame. Brian also opens up about leaving a 15-year Broadway career to become a therapist, the grief that came with losing an old identity, and why cultivating self-worth outside of work and achievement is especially important for gay men. Finally, Tom and Brian consider what thriving actually means, and why a healthy queer life may require more community, more connection, and more willingness to explore the parts of ourselves we've learned to hide. About Brian: Brian Spitulnik, LMSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice, and committed to working with his clients to come fully into relationship with their environment and themselves while providing practical tools for behavioral change and emotional growth. Brian has earned degrees from The University of Michigan, Columbia University, and The Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College. Before becoming a mental health practitioner, Brian performed on Broadway for over 15 years, and has written for Global Citizen, The Daily Beast, McSweeney’s, and Dance Magazine, Brian is the founder of GAYFULLY, the only mental-health app for gay men. Connect with Brian: Website: gayfullyapp.com Instagram: @spitulnik YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@BrianSpitulnikLMSW Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

What happens when the identities and labels that once helped us understand ourselves begin to limit us? In this episode of the Queer Relationship Institute podcast, Tom welcomes psychotherapist, lecturer, author, and educator Dr Chris Donaghue for a provocative conversation about sexuality, identity, relationships, and authenticity. Chris introduces the concept of sexual bypassing – using sexual labels, identities, or communities as a way of avoiding deeper exploration of who we are and what we actually want. While sexual identity can provide essential belonging, validation, and community (especially for marginalized people) Chris argues that no single label can capture the complexity of a whole person. The conversation explores why queer people may become overly attached to sexual roles, how labels can create unnecessary limitations in dating and relationships, and why partners shouldn't be ruled out simply because they identify as a “top” or “bottom.” Chris also challenges conventional ideas about sexual dysfunction, erectile “disappointment,” body image, masculinity, and the pressure to conform to unrealistic sexual and physical standards. They also discuss porn, ethical consumption, the manosphere, differentiation, and what it means to build a life rooted in authenticity rather than normativity. Ultimately, Chris invites us to hold our identities more lightly - not because they don't matter, but because there is always more to us than the categories we use to describe ourselves. About Dr Chris: Dr Chris Donaghue is a psychotherapist specializing in couples and sex therapy, with a private practice in addition to his work as an author, lecturer, and educator. He serves as the Director of Clinical Education for The Sexual Health Alliance and chairs the organization’s Annual Sexological Conference. Dr Donaghue is the author of Rebel Love and Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture, and has contributed chapters to several books, including The Sex Issue by the editors of Goop. Connect with Dr Chris: Website: www.drchrisdonaghue.com Instagram: @drdonaghue Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

What happens when therapists avoid talking about sex? According to Martha Kauppi (she/they), it often leaves clients feeling invisible, misunderstood, and carrying even more shame than when they arrived. In this conversation, Tom sits down with Martha to explore why sexuality is an essential part of the human experience, and why every therapist should feel equipped to discuss it. Drawing on decades of clinical work and training thousands of therapists, Martha explains how cultural myths about sex, relationships, and desire quietly shape therapy, often reinforcing shame instead of helping people heal. Together, they also unpack some of the biggest misconceptions about consensual non-monogamy. Martha shares insights from her book on polyamorous and open relationships, explaining why relationship success depends far more on communication, consent, differentiation, repair, and trust than on relationship labels. They also discuss why LGBTQ+ and non-monogamous clients often feel unseen in therapy, how therapists can create greater safety, and why meaningful conversations matter more than finding the "perfect" labels. This episode offers practical wisdom, compassionate guidance, and an affirming reminder that there is no single "right" way to love - only the work of creating relationships that genuinely fit the people in them. About Martha: Martha Kauppi is a marriage and family therapist, educator, author, speaker, and AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor. She has a lifelong career in health and sexuality, and is a senior trainer of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Martha trains therapists all over the world to work more effectively with relational intimacy challenges and sex issues. She is the author of Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients). Connect with Martha: Website: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com Instagram: @martha_kauppi Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@RelationalIntimacy Books: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/8-steps-to-opening-up-opt-in https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/relationship-repair-CNM https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/book Courses: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/CNM-Level-1 Podcast: https://www.instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/untangling-intimacy Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

What if the biggest obstacle to love isn't finding the right partner -- but the story you've been told about yourself? In this conversation, Tom Bruett (he/him) sits down with Darren Main (he/him), to explore how queer men can heal shame, cultivate authentic relationships, and reconnect with purpose. Drawing from more than 35 years of working with LGBTQ+ communities, Darren shares how his experiences with addiction, recovery, spirituality, HIV, fatherhood, and self-acceptance shaped his approach to healing. Together, they discuss why so many gay men struggle with intimacy long after coming out, how internalized shame influences relationships, and why healing involves more than changing our thoughts. Darren explains the role of embodiment through practices like yoga and meditation, reflects on lessons from the 12-Step tradition, and shares how mindfulness and community can help people reconnect with themselves. They also explore loneliness in queer communities, the importance of creating friendships outside of dating and hookup culture, and why spaces like the Gay Men's Sangha offer a powerful model for meaningful connection. The conversation also touches on grief, queer spirituality, parenting, and the importance of becoming the elder you once needed. Whether you're navigating relationships, healing from shame, or searching for deeper community, this episode offers compassionate insights and a hopeful reminder that lasting connection begins with the relationship you have with yourself. About Darren: Darren Main is a yoga teacher, writer, and massage therapist who has spent more than three decades helping gay, bi, and queer men cultivate deeper wellness, stronger relationships, and a more embodied sense of self. Through his Q-MindBody podcast, he brings together mindfulness, somatic awareness, and queer spirituality in conversations that challenge old narratives and inspire real transformation. His work creates a grounded, affirming space for men seeking clarity, healing, and meaningful connection. Connect with Darren: Website:darrenmain.com Instagram: @darrenjmain Podcast: https://darrenmain.net/qmindbodypodcast Book: https://amzn.to/4b607Uo Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

What does it actually take to build a healthy non-monogamous relationship? In this episode, Tom (he/him) welcomes Andrew Reidenbach (he/him), psychotherapist and Clinical Director of Midtown Mind Psychotherapy, for an honest conversation about open relationships, polyamory, attachment, and the communication skills that help relationships thrive. Andrew shares how he came to specialize in working with LGBTQ+ clients in non-monogamous relationships and explores why more people are questioning traditional relationship structures. Together, Tom and Andrew discuss the many forms of ethical non-monogamy, why communication and clear agreements are essential, how jealousy and attachment wounds show up, and why trust (not exclusivity) is often the foundation of successful relationships. They also unpack common misconceptions about polyamory and open relationships, explore the role of shame and societal expectations, discuss navigating boundaries, sexual health, and time management, and offer guidance for couples who are considering opening their relationship for the first time. Whether you're curious about ethical non-monogamy, exploring a new relationship structure, or simply interested in rethinking what healthy relationships can look like, this conversation offers a thoughtful, compassionate perspective on love, intimacy, and connection. About Andrew: Andrew Reidenbach is the founder of Midtown Mind Psychotherapy, a group practice based in New York City. His work focuses primarily on LGBTQ+ clients and trauma, integrating advanced relational psychodynamic training with attachment-focused EMDR. Andrew also brings clinical expertise in nonmonogamy, supporting individuals and couples in navigating complex relationship dynamics with depth and nuance. Connect with Andrew: Website: https://www.midtownmindpsychotherapy.com Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

What happens when everything looks successful on the outside, but you're quietly struggling with performance anxiety, erection challenges, and shame? In this episode, Tom (he/him) sits down with coach Shay Doran (he/him) to explore one of the most misunderstood and least talked-about issues affecting men's sexual wellbeing. Drawing from his own journey from years of silently battling porn use, anxiety, and relationship struggles to helping thousands of men overcome performance anxiety, Shay shares why these challenges are about so much more than erections. Together, they unpack the powerful role of shame, masculinity, porn, and early life experiences in shaping our relationship with sex. They also explore how performance anxiety can show up differently for gay and straight men, why medications like Viagra aren't always the complete answer, and how the nervous system (not a lack of desire or masculinity) is often at the center of the problem. This compassionate conversation offers hope for anyone who's ever wondered, "What's wrong with me?" and reminds us that healing begins when we stop treating sex like a performance and start understanding the deeper patterns underneath. Whether you're experiencing performance anxiety yourself, supporting a partner, or you're a therapist working with men's sexual health, this episode offers practical insights and a fresh perspective on one of the most common but least discussed sexual concerns. About Shay: Shay Doran specializes in helping men fix sexual performance anxiety & erection problems. After experiencing these challenges himself, Shay has now helped men around the world to get erection problems fixed and feel normal again. Connect with Shay: Website: https://shay-doran.com/ Free Quiz: https://shay-doran.com/free-quiz/ YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@shay-doran Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

How do you protect your prostate, recognize the early signs of erectile dysfunction, and separate medical facts from internet myths? In this episode, Tom (he/him) sits down with Dr. Arthur Burnett (he/him), renowned Johns Hopkins urologist, researcher, and one of the pioneers behind the science that led to Viagra, to discuss what everyone with a prostate should know about sexual health and aging. We explore common misconceptions about prostate health, whether frequent orgasms actually reduce prostate cancer risk, and why erectile dysfunction can sometimes be an early warning sign of heart disease. Dr. Burnett also explains why buying ED medications online without a medical evaluation can cause people to miss serious underlying health conditions. The conversation also focuses on LGBTQ+ health, including prostate care for gay and bisexual men, trans women who still have a prostate, and why every patient deserves affirming, judgment-free medical care. We discuss harm reduction, the risks of mixing poppers with erectile medications, recovery after prostate cancer treatment, and the growing trend of penile enhancement procedures. Finally, Dr. Burnett shares his concerns about modern masculinity, the pressures created by porn and social media, and why being a healthy man has far more to do with authenticity, relationships, and overall wellbeing than penis size or outdated stereotypes. Whether you're trying to stay healthy, improve your sexual functioning, or simply understand your body better, this conversation offers practical, evidence-based guidance grounded in decades of clinical experience. About Arthur: Arthur L. “Bud” Burnett II, MD, MBA, FACS, is a globally recognized Johns Hopkins urologist, researcher, and lead investigator in the scientific development of Viagra, whose pioneering work in men’s health and erectile function has transformed care worldwide. Connect with Arthur: Website: https://drarthurburnett.com/ Instagram: @dr.arthurburnett YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DrArthurBurnett Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

What happens when we stop viewing sexuality through a lens of shame and start approaching it with curiosity, compassion, and context? In this episode, Tom Bruett (he/him) welcomes Michael A. Vigorito (he/him), LMFT, CGP, CST-S, sex therapist, author, supervisor, and co-author of Treating Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior, for a conversation about sexuality, shame, and sexual health. Michael shares his work challenging the traditional “sex addiction” framework and explores why sexual behaviors can become complicated, how shame and stigma shape our relationship with desire, and why understanding the context behind our choices matters more than labeling them. Together, Tom and Michael discuss sexual health, pleasure and safety, queer experiences with sexuality and stigma, how secrecy and shame can impact intimacy, and what it looks like to build a healthier relationship with sex and yourself. Whether you’ve struggled with feeling “too much,” questioned your relationship with sex, or simply want a more compassionate understanding of sexuality, this conversation offers a different way to think about desire, connection, and healing. About Michael: Michael Vigorito is a certified sex therapist, author, trainer, and clinical supervisor specializing in sexual and behavioral health. He co-developed a sexual health assessment and treatment protocol published in Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior - Rethinking Sex Addiction (SSTAR 2018 Health Professional Book Award). He has led multiple SAMHSA- and CDC-funded training initiatives integrating sexual health and LGBTQ+ affirming care into behavioral health systems, including the Sexual and Gender Diversity Learning Community at the University of Maryland Prevention Research Center. Mr. Vigorito is a Certified Group Psychotherapist (AGPA), a Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor (AASECT), and currently serves as President of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR). Connect with Michael: Website: www.MichaelVigorito.com Book: Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction https://a.co/d/0frXNESf Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

In this episode, Tom (he/him) welcomes Chris Rackliffe (he/him), anxious attachment style coach, author, and host of Needy No More podcast, for a deep conversation about attachment, relationships, and healing. Chris shares his own experience with anxious attachment and explores why so many people develop a fear of abandonment, become hypervigilant in relationships, or find themselves chasing connection while losing connection with themselves. Together, Tom and Chris discuss anxious and avoidant attachment dynamics, why queer people may carry unique experiences of rejection and invalidation, how self-abandonment can impact relationships, and what it actually takes to build more secure ways of connecting. Whether you identify as anxiously attached, avoidant, or simply someone who wants healthier relationships, this conversation offers insight, compassion, and practical tools for understanding yourself and your patterns. About Chris: Chris Rackliffe, or @crackliffe as he is fondly known, is an anxious attachment style coach, host of the Needy No More podcast, and author of two self-help books: It’s Good to See Me Again: How to Find Your Way When You Feel Lost and Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment. Chris has worked with thousands of clients across six continents to help them heal their anxious attachment style and grow more secure, sharing everything he’s learned on his own healing journey—from how to integrate trauma and regulate the nervous system, to how to effectively communicate and set boundaries. You can find him on TikTok and Instagram @crackliffe. Connect with Chris: Instagram: @crackliffe TikTok: @crackliffe Website: https://www.crackliffe.com/ Coaching program: https://www.crackliffe.com/coaching Book: https://amzn.to/49Q4mEg Connect with Tom: Website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards

In this interview, Tom (he/him) interviews Joe Winn (he/him) LICSW, CST-S, about one of the most overlooked topics in LGBTQ+ mental health: aging, sexuality, and intimacy. Together, they explore how the HIV/AIDS crisis continues to shape the lives of older queer adults, the grief and resilience carried by LGBTQ+ elders, and the ways ageism affects desire, relationships, and self-worth. Joseph challenges conventional ideas about sex, arguing that pleasure is much bigger than performance, penetration, or youth. Throughout the conversation, Tom and Joseph discuss the lasting impact of the AIDS epidemic, the loss of LGBTQ+ elders and intergenerational connection, aging and body image, changing sexual experiences, internalized shame, religious trauma, loneliness, community, and the importance of pleasure and intimacy at every stage of life. They also examine the limitations of traditional sex education and therapy training, and why expanding our understanding of sexuality can help people build richer, more connected lives. If you've ever wondered how desire evolves across the lifespan, or how to create a more expansive and fulfilling understanding of intimacy, this conversation is for you. About Joe: Joe is a clinical social worker, AASECT certified sex therapist and AASECT certified supervisor of sex therapy. He received his MSW from Boston University in 1995 and has maintained a supervisory, consultation and private practice since 2006. Joe’s post graduate trainings have focused on structural, strategic, Bowenian, and various constructivist and social justice, models of individual and relational therapy. Joe has trained in EFT, Gottman Method, and The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. He was a member of the training faculty at The South Shore Sexual Health Center from 2014-2025, where he taught AASECT sex therapy candidates how to assess, formulate, and intervene with relational and sexual difficulties. Joe has lectured nationally and internationally on such topics as working with differentiation in sex and couples therapy, working effectively with erotic transference and countertransference, applying BDSM/kink consent and pleasure negotiation models to improving differentiation in sexual functioning and problematic sexual behavior. Connect with Joe: Website: josephwinnlicsw.net Connect with Tom: website: www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute Get his book: https://a.co/d/0gtUEAC5 Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards