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HOLLY ANDERSON and RYAN NANNI return in crisp Fanatics jerseys for HOLIDAY TOUCHDOWN: A BILLS LOVE STORY (2025) but is Dave... Italianx? … Let's start now! … Who's blameless? … Relatable mortification … Damar... FIRST HALF Car Talk, but Ball … Ryan and Holly are two different people … Do our parents know about our podcasts? … Holly, a miracle baby … The Gainesville of Cinema … Kendall Jenner, "Go Bills," copwear … Holiday Touchdown Prime … The Abraham Benrubi Santaverse … Raffi, Jim Kelly and Jesse Ventura … Not enough plummeted-Wisconsinite accents … Wrong light … Name that movie! … CAST RUNDOWN … Dr. Quinn/Dan Quinn … Steve Schirripa Appreciation Station … Leave the stew on … The Expositional Challenge … Bills Hall of Fame diegetic Greek chorus … Dan McQuade Appreciation Station … City of Buffalo's Stadium Psyop … Zero-impediment romance … Expendable cancer kids  … This could be a same-sex couple … A Bills Polycule Holiday … "Seinfeld friends" … Schirripa's self-catering … Eat Your Heart Out: Chemical chewing gum (… Fossilized Bazooka Joe … Joey Pants having fun); Peanut Stick, Beef on Weck; Weckipedia; Arby's meats; never let Schirripa eat; "abbondanza"; devil's penis; sweet potato or toast; late-season Publix-ass potluck; cake-batter drink … "Table jumping" … Stunty Hallmark casting … We can't get Josh Allen … How kidding/self-aware are we? … Monopoly Jr., but in romcom … FUBU Stadium nostalgia, political prophylactic … Buffalo pit offerings … Buffalo Wicker Man … FDA quaaludes … The universal Hallmark moving-on theme … Highmark … The DMV's "watching a movie" test … A shame for fun Bills fans … Where's the pain? … Sean McDermott, actor … Weird skin on Jim Pembry … Heathrow 9/11 … Airport deli counter... HALFTIME SHOW: Chris Collingwood SECOND HALF               Classic Lines: Fiesta of Zubaz; plaid chemistry LP; cold acting; brand-new Fanatics logo wear;    the Aunts & Uncles Collection; where are the old jerseys … The famously private David Roth … Old clothes, old stadium, in the pit … Bane's Closet … The Limited All-Wheel Drive Prius … Worst out-window matte painting … Luke Russert, Paul Bearer, hostage booth, no mic control … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All but Joey Pants and maybe also Joey Pants … NYPD Counterterrorism chief … Rating: 3 … Good timing for lovable Bills universalism … Bring back wings … The Leftovers: Damar Hamlin, Scott Norwood, hospitals, Santa… Haunting amount of Bills guys … 90 minutes of Bills arts and crafts time … Bills omertà … Goodfellas tracking shot … "Go there less" … Inept plot, excellent beats … IMDB Dive (Sort of): Vanessa Marano and Danielle Morrow Appreciation/Encouragement Station … Christening … Where are the colors? … Where are the injuries? … Long Snapper Reid Ferguson Appreciation Station … The influencers were wrong! … What if we put ourselves out there? … Pre-Owned Airboats Dot Com … Dot Horse, Dracula+ Dot Biz … Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Shout (Buffalo Bills Fight Song) 8-Bit Remix." Links: Holly - Ryan - Pre-Owned Airboats

MAURA QUINT, CHARLES STAR and AARON KLEINMAN return for OY TO THE WORLD! (2025) but wait... Now? … Sufganiyot? … Episode 142 … We'll do it live! THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  The happiest Vibecheck of all! … More Jews on this podcast than in Hallmark … Bar/Bat Mitzvah names … Let's get on a list! … J-Pass … Callback to Episode 78 … Pod-leak theory … Careless, mediocre; equality, finally! … Everyone's an alien … "Wet guys" … Maura hated it … "No Jews were consulted to make this movie" … Legible people, diarrhea girl … Self-flagellating home cooking … Joy Luck referential proof-of-life … Half a cast of reverse-Seinfeld … Old Jewish TV grandmas … Markie Post Light … Charles's brain damage…   PART TWO   Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Lifelong high-school talent show phobia … Tension-free, except "but she's Christian!" … Interfaith-positive … An interfaith Christian concert … Good faith interfaith fumbled … Bewitched by Brook D'Orsay … The Catskills? Connecticut? … In a band, that's something … Swarthy Lutheran overflow seating … One church/synagogue handyman … No problems are a problem … Signing with BMG/Columbia…  PART THREE Diarrhea at Princeton … A committed lazy river … Ugh, I'm talking to boys; most unbearable female lead … Remembering some abrasive guys … Walt Weiss, Edgar Winter, Nelson … Legible leads, leave them alone … Eh, set it free … You need medication … Immunity-free universe … Should have made the meeting a Zoom … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All but the leads, or everyone, or just a place that sucks? … Hotness immunity … Mutually impressed … Same age as dad … Eat Your Heart Out: Sufganiyot cameo; referenced, not shown; kreplach (antisemitic); cooking Hanukkah dinner "all week"; salad with crescent rolls; 25 pounds of interfaith hash browns … House of Goys, stars and 2010s McMansion chic, earnest signage … Nobody Wants This-ass home decor … "Rock Festival" …    PART FOUR Oops! All Leftovers: "Joy to the World" + "In God We Trust" … Vibecheck … "Money" … The Lumineers' suffering … Casio presets … MC Skat Kat … Crown Media … "Summer School" … Dream On, Master Blaster … Bowling alleys, fact vs. fiction … Fair use piano bar … The ACME Christmas store … Dog toy from grandma … Bad people, bad flaky white fish … Hanukkah present … Episode 104 callback … Rating: 1 … Problematic age gap … Platonically perfect Hallmark … No lists! … Plugs! … Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen. Bluesky Links: Aaron - Charles - Dave - Jeb - Maura

We're astrally projecting into an aldis lamp to tell CHRISTMAS BEDTIME STORIES (2022), but we are absolutely not dead, we're just… TEASER: In Florida, ok? … Top 10 JACKED-UP Movies … Call the General   THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  DEAD DAD … Please do not perceive us … Too disturbing for civvies … Cast Rundown … Escaping the NXIVM Cult … Heat, again … The Expositional Challenge … Listen to "Jeb & Maura's Awful Party" … Plot Mop-Up: Stepdad solution; Baxter (mutual) breakup … Rules-free ass-sliding nougat … Not a modeling-behavior movie … Detail-free resurrection … Never quit mourning … Destructive, waste of time, video game … Christmas astral projection … A prank … Nancy Grace's #PotTot … "Pet Sematary"…   PART TWO  No-shoes Wine Clown … Ominous Hallmark: Stalker vibes; Dead Dad varsity jacket; "sure"; speaking to the captors … The Odyssey and Pazuzu … Spot the Angel: "The Troop"/no angel … The Humor Side … Eat Your Heart Out: Good cake, normal drinks, not Newcastle, elevated s'mores, gas-station lunch swap … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: RIP (the universal troop)…   PART THREE Overdetermined: All; (Wig crime); magical trooping; "don't give up" plus "bring my daddy's voice back to life" … Crossover: "The Fort Bragg Cartel" vs. Pierce's Special Investigators … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone on Danielle's journey; Pierce, the silk-shirt pleader; "it's the holidays, stuff's crazy!";  LLM-prompt daughter Audrey … Great Moments in Moppetry: 4.5 … Whoa! Wife Chat: "I wanted to try again" … The Maxell ad…  PART FOUR Who's the Real Villain: The American way of (class) war … Rating: 1 … Jordon Hudson … The Leftovers: Snowstorm oat of nowhere … Special Ops infiltration in Yemen … A relic of solemnity about American troop death … Everything that sucks makes this suck more … Brigadier, 18 soldiers … Fake snowball doink … Off-brand American filler music … Steve Lund: Jarhead III … "Kill All the White Man" … "Detachable Penis" and John S. Hall … Halfway ≠ Close … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Jeb & Maura's Awful Party (LINK) Fever Dream (LINK)

It's a Boogie-Woogie Royal boy and girl named Dee Dee having A ROYAL QUEEN'S CHRISTMAS (2021), and how did we find it?… TEASER: I use-a da Google!  THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Getting the lead out for the NYC marathon … "Darren Wahlberg" … Vintage Hallmark mind prison … Long or Staten Island … Reopening the Beast … The dangers of nostalgia… PART TWO  Cast Rundown …Megan Park Appreciation Station … The Expositional Challenge … We're sensualists … Plot Mop-Up: Zoe's BF's fancy hotel bakery contract; big brother snowman volunteers; good throwing form; after-school choir program; royal retirement, Exeter, Choate, Hanover, Danelaw… PART THREE Our new $10 Patreon livestream!/Hera Appreciation Station … Spot the Angel: Whitbey's fart-free Derek Jacobi notes … Eat Your Heart Out: Mostly good; antipasti damn sampler; OK hotel food; wtf r u saying (Italian); chicken caprese; charcuterie rosemary; Christmas colors; "I got cannoli!" … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 137's Collateral, Episode 141's Katz's knockoff, Episode 8's blood-red bordello Brooklyn…  PART FOUR Overdetermined: You got direction in my freedom; Quit! Quit! Quit! Quit! … Foxhole Friends … Crossover: McDowell's, Hallmark cultural amnesia, Groundhog Day for Duolingo … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: King and Queen, plot forms … Authentically careless aristocrats? … Return of "Coordinator" … The Ethnics, an EPCOT People… PART FIVE Rating: 2.5 … So rote, real piano playing, busted for bird-and-fish plagiarism … The Leftovers: Julian Morris and Mae Whitman Appreciation Station … 2017 Mark Felt miniseries … Succulent Christmas meal … Handjob Park … Rob Thomas … Running back for the Jets … Palace of Exeter, Bruno Kirby's mom … A Pocket Circus, The Mook's Gambit … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

ANDY LEVY, MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR return for a latke contest and a little HANUKKAH ON RYE (2022) but first... Everyone is being disrespectful to the story of Hanukkah. THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Minyan introductions … Jewish menu check … Podcast Goy … Hallmark Hanukkah History … Jewishness at 11.5, for future museums … Instant Bubbe, chocolate syrup … "Hollywood" … Peter DeLuise, James Caan Rule … Pandering, mockery, Batman … Dissociation, grandparental Jewishness… PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: You've Got Mail Crossing Delancey ... Plot Mop-Up: Lisa Loeb and Hanukkah songs; the actual plot; the Battle of the Bubbes … Spot the Angel: Mrs. Mizansky; Perd Hapley, Kermit doorman … John Wick…      PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: The Great Yiddish Bake Off; all Jewish food; teeming latkes; sufganiyot again; donut grievances; the Jewish Hidden Valley; egg cream; wax catharsis; corned beef sample, sad lox; rotating deli glamour shots; CGI; not kosher; "Gilberts"; rancid takeout swans; match game: food; concentration…  PART FOUR  Hallmark Expanded Universe: "Earth Jew" … Overdetermined: "Fiddler on the what?"; East coast culture snobbery … Crossover: Marvel, Candyman, Dr. Sleep, Harry Met Sally orgasm deli … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Bubbes, potato lip…  PART FIVE Who's the Real Villain: Not making grandkids; NYC commercial real estate; no villains … Cloned bubbes, uncomfortable cousin vibes … Title/Sequel … Rating: 3.5 … Constant deceit, prayer … No to Andie MacDowell … Pokemonides…  PART SIX The Leftovers: Electric menorah … Chekhov's seltzer gun … Grabbing pennies, generous tip …. IMDB Dive: Angela Narth Appreciation Station … Day drunk … SO not NYC, SO not heterosexual … DNA testing: No! … Why we do what we do … Andy's Stuff: Gay as hell, LA coding, waxpertise, Kyrie's Seamless order, Hanukkah's for children … Angry fasting movies! … Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "(I'm Spending) Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer. That Slate article: LINK Bluesky Links: Andy - Charles - Dave - Jeb - Maura

HOLLY ANDERSON brings us a piping hot basket of dogs to help us in GUIDING EMILY (2023), but… TEASER: We're at a loss … DMT and Togo … Live barking …  THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Holly's forever home … Garth? … Hallmark knowledge (+200 Dodgeball) … Healthy for work: a millennial attack … Talking Dog theory … Eric McCormack, yellow lab … Surface dog, onscreen braille … Phone accessibility, unicornmoji … Timeless, America+… PART TWO  Cast Rundown … Drew? … Dog interlude … The Expositional Challenge … Afraid of beeps … Muad'Dog … Chronic illness/generational targeting … Wheelchair coworker … Do the disabled depress Hallmark? … Public service: being blind and helping the blind … Crepe/pumpkin yearning … Omniscient foreboding dog narrator plot graft … Question the science … Garth's PIP … Telepathy > peanut butter… PART THREE Chip & Bean Cafe … Never seen the Simpsons … Spot the Angel: Sexless Drew/Mark … Online frisson … Wine clown … Workbot boyfriend … Emotionally incoherent, metal as hell … Final Destination / Ep. 67 doom/slapstick threat … Connor-exculpation … Vanishing palatial boomer mom… PART FOUR Eat Your Heart Out: Chip-based personality; real local restaurant; burger ejecta;"Blind Date"? … Dog biscuit downstream effect … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Greater Pacific Northwest, Amnesiac Utah … Ironside … Overdetermined: Refusing help … Coulda been worse! … Affecting outreach … Holly, and the emotional wave of fostering dogs … No Voight-Kampff or Villains … Good lines … Rating: 3.5, more Garth … A Shudder Christmas … REAL kiss fakeout … Simple journey, not a drag…  PART FIVE Ratings ethos … The Wayans warned us … Day After Tomorrow on Quaid in Full … Atlantic Rim … Marvels Cat Scene Timestamp: 1:11:40 … IMDB Dive: Cybersleuthing with dog; Michael Mann's Tokyo Vice Road to Christmas; Andy Mikita, Antonio Cupo; Final Destination … Hallmark Candyman … The Leftovers: Listen for the sound shadows … Spaghetti-O's … Cremains … CoonHoundRescue.com: We deliver! … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Why did we try to find LOVE IN GLACIER NATIONAL PARK (2025)? Because it is there. As is… TEASER: The horniest avalanche-safety film we've ever seen, trapped in the Beavis terrarium of the ancestral mind, with Steve. THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Is the Angel Jason Giambi? … Avalanche safety tips … A feast of table-read first takes … Extreme Hallmark throwback … The title! … Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Samantha, dog trainer, mom's apprentice; Sonya, stupid sexy Flanders mode … Beavis-world vision … Not pregnant, adios! … Swimmers … IVF and climate change … Star Trek: TNG, S1 … Better than the Trail of Tears one… PART TWO  Spot the Angel: Nope … Eat Your Heart Out: Hot cocoa, food pyramid foundation; Hi-C goblets, unnatural wine; root beer float highball; banana/peanut butter croissant … Chris's disrespect and aspirin advice … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Stephen Huszar's ski-guy persona) and the hermetic placelessness of the Hallmark Alpine Biome … Andy Lack (derogatory) … Overdetermined: An effing manchild; Dead Mom; Frisky Dingo … Epic photo of epicry … Anti-fizz…  PART THREE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chris, no growth, no person … The Joe Morgan Moneyball Universe … Great Moments in Moppetry: 2, director Mom, tough script, posterizing Sonya, plumper … Who's the Real Villain?: Those who ignore avalanche safety, false binary, misplaced blame, idiot skepticism … Rating: 1.5 … Pointlessly mean, obviously Whistler … Stock footage, iced tea and 11º…  PART FOUR The Leftovers: The three most Canadian extras in history … The beautiful, talented Melvin … Melvin taxonomy … IMDB Dive: Stephen Huszar's better than this … Rabid remake … White supremacist sex tourist … Cops making fascists cry … In loving memory of outdoor Rambo III enthusiasts … Unwelcome antique National Parks feelings … Merry Christmas!  • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

We're having a launch party for the stuffed Italian bread triptychs honoring SISTERHOOD, INC. (2025), but first... TEASER: Don't fiddle with the knobs, or it's Queens for ya. THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Happy Employment Movie! … Greeting cards, Tech Nazis, Roko's Basilisk … Jim Rome Take: A Hannibal Lecter Group Text Experience … Sacramento … No Trump phlegm, no fizz…      PART TWO   Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: The, uh, entire romantic plot; board structure; 30 Billion Dowmericans; mature/good sister/mother/daughter WASP; good-behavior modeling movie … Former mutuals with the screenwriter (no-drama edition)… PART THREE  Spot the Angel: It Takes a Village … Eat Your Heart Out: Drunkenness; no Campari in Hallmark; kitchen oaf; 1/2 of one squash, 3 tiny chicken filets, loose paprika dredge, quartered like a math problem; overdoing the crafty; huge orange; shooters with mom … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chicagoless Chicago again, Siena College garnish; the thinking man's Albany; the early funny ones!…  PART FOUR Overdetermined: Determined, not overdetermined, execution of required Hallmark beats … Kombucha's Christmastown debut … Kava bar … Crossover: Already a real romcom; Bobby Bacala, retired "accountant" … Luca Brazi syntax …Sheryl Sandberg and David Sacks: matchmakers … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Yuki…   PART FIVE Who's the Real Villain?: Phone, the broader sort of Lean-In cosmos … Rating: 4 … Wife Chat: The Board … IMDB Dive: Hackett and Galanoy Appreciation Station; grown-up Nickelodeon; phone … The Leftovers: How many gags didn't make the Hallmark cut? … Mail montage … A series of calzones … Momtuition … Self-McKinseying … Rubber Gaskets … Merry Christmas!  • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

We're spending all day in the car on our way to a stationary restaurant, and them's the breaks with AN UNEXPECTED VALENTINE (2025), but first... TEASER: Our respect for the Boboli Corporation. THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Foster Grant, CF Frost, Wells Fargo … Jim Caviezel and Scully … Bonus preview … Nick Bond Appreciation Station … "Fries" vs. "Pizza"...      PART TWO   We counted them down! … "Christmas" explains a lot … Can't remember movies … Why do these people meet? … Cast Rundown … Soriano or Osuna? … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Sick child, gay cookie foundry … Familiarly defamiliarizing … La Chabert Appreciation Station … No horny material… PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Village NPCs vs. The Gig Economy … Bottle episode … Eat Your Heart Out: Enormous martinis, extra host, scalding coffee, the FBI's Flavor Unit, Edible purse, Our Respect for the Boboli Corporation, Charcuterie bodega, Uber Dolmades, "Potato Chip," "Nat-Chos," … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: McBanjoverse, Zac Hugiverse, Santacon, Actual Christmastown; I noticed Denver; all existing alt NYCs … You love this (sorry)…  PART FOUR Overdetermined: Ghosts from a normal script; no mutual accusations; hard to be haunted by Valentine's Day; why did they commit to this?; some screwball'd help; good takes but not great jokes … Crossover: Collateral II: Collateral Aftermath, Michael Mann reverie … More Audioslave in Hallmark; Fred Schneider, welcome to Hallmark…   PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chef Mario, Little Mikey's family … Gauntlet interlude … Who's the Real Villain?: App economy grindset; Bartholomew's non-rotating restaurant; Thomas, the NYC parking officer … Bonus sales pitch! … Rating: 3 … Thank you for trying! …   PART SIX The Leftovers: Robert Buckley Appreciation Station … "It was me!" and "Fashion Week but Edible!" …Cooks Illustrated … NYC Soft FM, Michael Ironside as Viper, The Warriors … IMDB Dive: Michael Robison and Blade the Series, (feat. Sticky Fingaz) …  "Are you on Instagram?" … Merry Christmas!  • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Powerhouse" by the Raymond Scott Quintette.

It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (2023), but first... Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it. THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ... Cast Rundown and Expositional Challenge ... Larded with Hallmark-movie metacognition ... Recognition, not comedy ... New Year's movies ... Nice vision of Christmas ... David Lynch's last film ...      PART TWO   Spot the Angel: No, or Jerry Gergich ... Eat Your Heart Out: 10,000 Flushes and Life Savers cocktails; Rainforest Cafe; candy-cane doctor; grocery-store cookies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jerry Reinsdorf and Hawk Harrelson; veteran men's encounter group; episodes 1, 4, 27 and 60 ... PART THREE  Overdetermined: "I remembered Christmas"; what's wrong with you; meta-town; dad's cattiness; "what's Christmas?" repeatedly ... Crossover: You Should Have Left, Cemetery Man, Pleasantville ...  PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Officer Connor and The Mayor ... Gazebo trend map ... Who's the Real Villain: Men's inability to process shame; Amazon ...  PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... A baseless romance ... The Leftovers: Dustin Rikert and Easy Rider 2 ... Arm's distance ... Incorrectly beating your car ... CFL lighting ... A pine tree in a living room??? ... Deleted Scene: Walken impressions, cut-ups, Fatboy Slim ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2024), but first... A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ... THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aware ... The AI/Gattaca of Hallmark ...      PART TWO   Cast Rundown, Expositional Challenge and Plot Mop-Up: Bryan vs. traditional suits; Jessie and Christmas games ... No gazebo, no kiss ... Groening's a Karpluk ... Buckley affably going along ... Spot the Angel: No, but Hunger Games ...        PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: Marcus the gourmet; blurred banquet; "make it a double!"; splash of skim milk ... No Cure for Christmas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: All Hallmark retail on one block; widowers are just lying divorced dads ... The Korean War ...               PART FOUR  Overdetermined: Deconstructed Hallmark? ... Crossover: Ready or Not; Fake Fiancées on Adultery Island ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ...  The Real Villain/Voight-Kampff Test: Again, it's real and fine; weird knows it's weird ... Rating: 3 ... Three-car garage ...  PART FIVE The Leftovers: Where does it end? ... Crypto's pumping ... Let's gooooo debut ... IMDB Dive: Steal B-Rad's sunshine ... Christmas in Angel Falls ... MERRY! shirt ... Family kiss ogling ... Widow Talk: Don't eliminate supportive traditions ... 3x5 wallet photo ... Fiber-optic marketer ... WE DID IT, BABY! ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

DC PIERSON hitches a ride on a taco truck to THE SANTA SUMMIT (2023), but... Is that the b*****b guy? THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet DC! ... Santacon: A cold version of St. Patrick's Day ... DC's Hallmark Wicker Man experience ... Southwestern pro-Christmas ... A 100-disc changer...  PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Ava's Ben crush; Liam and Mac, construction networking ... Parasocial cast relationships ... The Beesley Touch ... A movie made of extra bits...  PART THREE Spot the Angel: Knowingly secular; Second Angel Theory (Quebecois Freddie, Dasher); it takes a village ... Bloodhound Gang BJ Guy ... Eat Your Heart Out: Thicc sushi-place Christmas cookies; boilermakers; dry ice; pint eggnog; canteen; math jokes, round food; food trucks; wasabi rim... PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Mapping a nameless place; Chicagoland; co-opting city life; Dr. Where/Weir; Shelbyville ... Overdetermined: Quitting on networking; TK TK TK; dissonant, scary sincerity; passing a millennial torch ... Crossover: Any sitcom; a personal Pauley Perrette; Mike and the Mad Dog... PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Anti-business bartender; Freddie the Angel-Replicant; our two leads ... Who's the Real Villain?: Our underfunded public schools ... Rating: 4 ... Audience mistrust, atavistic studio notes... PART SIX The Leftovers: GIS for "Boston art teacher" ... Sam Bankman-Fried ... IMDB Dive: Christmas skills; "Jingle Bell" karaoke ... Cool Runnings, tacos, Casablanca ... Russell Hainline, we're your friends ... My sweatpants ... Pandering target ... "Hallmark 2000" ... Merry Christmas! ...  All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. DC'S Instagram HERE and Bluesky HERE

JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (2023), but... We've already got the furry erotica! THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works PART TWO   Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mariah-Grinch Continuum ... Is the Grinch horny? Furry? ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Deal-stealing boyfriend; Team Christmas Week; French-Canadian players ... Just settle! Like the rest of us! ... Covid-fueled throwback ... The Thee/Thou Threshold ... How do you act a story like this well? ... A "being adult and normal" fakeout ... Brain damage       PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Ashley's dad and Scott's coach ... A literal bible ... Eat Your Heart Out: Grandma's dire eggnog; The Cider Social; awful pastries, sugar drinks; Barbie food; stadium peppermint tea; Sleepytime mascot, pajama gun, candlelit ushers; the Drunken Puck; airport chocolates, airport beer ... Clear hotel lobby store ... Zamboni driving in the Richard Scarry region of the brain ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: French 85 Magazine, "How to Survive Christmas Alone"; hockey tournament/goon clash    PART FOUR  Overdetermined: Forced credit-card fussiness; "But I'm different"; plot-end collision and bastard father ... False Ray Bourque information ... Scott, winter ignorant ... Crossover: Scott, Deadpool adjacency and sassy Kristen Bell; money and a rewrite away from a real rom-com; Alex Garland's Civil War; LA to Vegas, Idaho Falls to Spokane ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dave, rowdy child, good eater ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Googe-sound boy; 3 ... Who's the Real Villain: Ambition, cruel fatherhood, misogyny/the bar is THAT low       PART FIVE Rating: 3 (non-derogatory) ... "Honestly, I'm fine with this" ... The Leftovers: Non-interruptive work-from-home ... Protagonist's dream/career age ... "Those who can't play, coach" ... A smooth 84 ... Pod Yourself The Wire namedrops ... Gretzky 3:16 ... Plus/Minus and stats annoyance ... Kevin Fair, Get Carter, Josie and the Pussycats, and The Core ... Saw 3-D ... "Idaho Falls" ... Postgame interview BS ... You know how to ruin a cider social ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Jamie's Bluesky HERE

Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (2023), but first... Let's sing ... THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir exercises ... Valid Wicker Man ... "A little 'Get Out'" ...      PART TWO   Spot the Angel: Susan and Pastor John ... Eat Your Heart Out: Oh my God dude; James Bond cocoa; pot-pie protocol; eggnog pancakes; off gluten; peppermint egg cream ...        PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: We don't know where we are; Episode 78, Holiday Date? ... Overdetermined: Mom tells you to let go of your dreams, leave the eggnog carton ... Mom taunting ... Crossover: Safe callback; Glee ... Sports-triumph movies still exist ...               PART FOUR  The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Matthew, android lead; Alice, choirbot ... Tyler, Kyler, Tyler ... Who's the Real Villain: This movie ... Incredible titles work here ... Rating: 2, throwback movie ...  PART FIVE The Leftovers: Executive Producer Blake Shelton ... Tim Allen and Robert Goulet ... "Accordion to Steve's Christmas Polka" ... Foxwoods theme song ... Blake Shelton kickbacks ... Good singers, bad performance ... Grace Leer and Allie Liebert Appreciation Station ... Bus weirdo ... LOT COP ... Prester John ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR get trapped going ROUND AND ROUND (2023) with us, but... Shut up, kids, it's the second episode of Hanukkah! THEME: "F**k You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Chag Sameach ... We regret the errors ... It's good! ... Jew Belong meets war ... Good movie crammed into Hallmark, better than Christmas fare ... Crying at The Rock, Actually ... Jade   PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Maura's Monologue; dreidel-dependent f*ckups; dating-help time loop ... Nerd cred ... Your boyfriend/son will explain the nerd thing ... Fake Londoner, Comic Guy ... Double the characters, all matter ... Ashkenazi word load ... Format tweaking, references on the meta knife edge ... Which twist? Who knew? ... Can't hang (with) the DJ ... Jobbed mom ... Welcome back to Bar Mitzvah Chat      PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Grandma/Busker/Santa? ... Spot the Bard ... Eat Your Heart Out: Food-lite; plot/reality-proportional; "Hanukkah on Rye" callback; Jews as human ... Sufganiyot (reprise): Childhood, Israel, politics, inaccuracy ... Signifying body blows ... People, 2030 ... Blue Christmas ... Candles ... Latke assembly ... No superlatives ... Wine complaint ... Secular Jews, pls PART FOUR  Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hanukkah on Rye ... Overdetermined: London-Nerd hookup vs. Time-loop revelations vs. Rachel's nerd cred/purpose/attitude ... Self-uncanny valleying ... Tropes as prison, not skeleton ... Curving tropes in on themselves ... Uncanny to movies, not humanity ... Crossover: Too real; a $10m budget and 30 days; Hellraiser; Granddad Groundhog Day; all Groundhog Days PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa; the most Methodist mom ... Rating: 5 ... The Leftovers: Jammed-in Santa ... Coda ... Almost famous ... Inclusive casting ... Bryan Greenberg, Rick Hoffman, and Vic Michaelis Appreciation Station ... Feelings at movie scale ... Real pillow-face ... Bears tight end ... Stay off the tollways ... Minion gifs ... Subway signage ... Two-hour novel revision ... Mixtapes ... 7 days ... IMDB Dive: Tamar Laddy ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "[I'm Spending] Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer.