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Send us Fan Mail Ever know exactly what you should do… and still can’t make yourself do it? That’s what this episode is about. This week, Matt and Steve talk about the kind of overwhelm that doesn’t show up as a crisis — it just builds quietly until everything feels heavy. The to-do list grows, your brain won’t shut off, and even simple things start to feel harder than they should. They get into: Why there’s a gap between knowing and doingHow “keep it simple” can help — or become a trapWhat it actually looks like to pull yourself back when you feel stuckAnd why sometimes the smallest action — even when you don’t feel like it — is what breaks the cycle. If you’ve ever felt stuck, overwhelmed, or like you’re not doing what you “should” be doing, this one will hit. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail Ever feel like you’re doing everything right… and it still blows up anyway? That’s what this episode is about. This week, Matt and Steve talk about those moments when life hits hard even when you’re showing up, doing the work, and trying to stay on track. The kind of setbacks that make you question what the point is—and whether any of it is actually working. They get into: Why doing the “right things” doesn’t guarantee smooth outcomesHow to deal with frustration when things feel unfairAnd what it looks like to stay grounded when everything around you feels like it’s falling apartIf you’ve ever thought, “Why is this happening when I’m doing everything I’m supposed to?”—this one will land. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail A lot of people in AA have a Big Book. Fewer people know how to actually use it. Matt was one of those people for a long time — and he's willing to admit it. In this episode Matt and Steve dig into what the Big Book actually is and what it isn't. It's not a memoir. It's not a devotional. It's not a loose collection of Bill Wilson's thoughts. It's a textbook — sequential by design, with chapters that build on each other deliberately. Read it out of order, rush through it, or try to go it alone and you'll likely miss most of what it's trying to teach you. They talk about why the book works best when you go through it with someone who knows it — a sponsor, a Big Book study group, or resources like Joe and Charlie — and why the stories in the back, as valuable as they are for identifying with the problem, are not the instructions. The first 164 pages are the instructions. Matt also recommends Writing the Big Book by William Schaberg — a deep dive into the original source material and manuscripts that gives you the historical context to understand what you're actually reading. If the Big Book has felt confusing, inaccessible, or like something you had to get through rather than something you got to learn from — this episode is for you. Find Sober Friends: Website: https://www.soberfriendspod.com Email: [email protected] Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail Nobody gets sober because they want to stop drinking. They get sober because their life isn't working — and somewhere along the way, someone handed them a set of instructions that actually helped. Matt and Steve call it the recipe. Not a rulebook, not a religious text, not a list of suggestions. A recipe. Follow the steps enough times and something unexpected happens — it stops being something you do and starts being how you live. In this episode they dig into what sobriety actually opened up. Not the big obvious wins. The quieter ones. The mental chess game that used to run constantly in the background — calculating how much is there, how much have I had, how do I get more without anyone noticing — just gone. The emotional bandwidth that comes back when you're not spending all of it protecting your access to alcohol. The way treating people better stops being a program principle and starts being muscle memory. This one is for anyone who is still in the hard part and can't yet see what's on the other side. The recipe works. You just have to make it enough times before you stop needing to think about it. Find Sober Friends: Website: https://www.soberfriendspod.com Email: [email protected] Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail What does recovery actually mean? If you've ever measured your sobriety by days and wondered if there was more to it than that, this episode is for you. Matt sits down with Dr. Adi Jaffe — psychologist, neuroscientist, UCLA researcher, and author of The Abstinence Myth and Unhooked — for one of the most honest and wide-ranging conversations Sober Friends has ever had. Dr. Jaffe went from meth-addicted drug dealer with nine felonies to earning his PhD and building one of the most forward-thinking recovery programs available today. He knows what it feels like to be on both sides of this. This episode challenges some assumptions — including a few of Matt's own. They dig into why black-and-white thinking keeps people stuck, why shame is more dangerous than the substance itself, why the label "alcoholic" helps some people and hurts others, and why stopping drinking is not the same thing as getting better. They also find more common ground between Dr. Jaffe's approach and AA than you might expect. Whether you're in AA, tried AA and it didn't stick, or are just trying to figure out what recovery looks like for you — this one is worth your time. Find Dr. Adi Jaffe: Website: https://www.adijaffe.com The Abstinence Myth: http://www.theabstinencemyth.com Unhooked: https://www.readunhooked.com IGNTD Recovery Program: https://www.igntd.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dradijaffe Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dradijaffe LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dradijaffe Find Sober Friends: Website: https://www.soberfriendspod.com Email: [email protected] Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail That's the part nobody wants to say out loud. Alcohol wasn't just a bad habit — for a lot of us, it was a solution. It fixed the social anxiety. It fixed the noise. It fixed the feeling of not fitting in. The problem wasn't that it didn't work. The problem was everything it cost. Matt shares a moment from a recent trip to Boston — walking past the warm lights of a hotel bar, depleted and exhausted, and feeling the whisper. He wasn't in danger. But he heard it. And that's exactly what this episode is about. He and Steve dig into the lies alcohol tells — not the obvious ones, but the sophisticated ones. The lies that knew exactly where you were weak and aimed right at it. The promise of ease, belonging, confidence, and feeling like an adult in the room. And why those lies were so hard to walk away from when, for a while at least, they actually seemed to work. Honest, personal, and a little uncomfortable. Just two sober friends telling the truth. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail You've heard it a thousand times in the rooms — take what you like and leave the rest. But what does that actually mean? Matt and Steve dig into one of recovery's most repeated phrases and ask the question nobody wants to answer: are you using it as a doorway into the program, or a loophole out of it? From the opinions of the old-timer who never shuts up to skipping Step 4 because it makes you uncomfortable — there's a real difference between leaving what doesn't belong to the program and leaving what just challenges your ego. The guys also get into why sitting with discomfort is where the real work lives, and why being average might be exactly enough. Honest, a little uncomfortable, and not preachy. Just two sober friends talking about the stuff that actually matters. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail "Carrying the message" doesn't mean becoming Mr. AA or giving speeches at speaker meetings. It's not about recruiting, arguing on Facebook, or diagnosing strangers. In this episode, Matt and Steve talk honestly about what carrying the message actually looks like — and why it has nothing to do with preaching. Steve shares the story of his first AA meeting: lost, confused, and terrified. Then someone reached out with a simple handshake and said, "Hey, I'm Mike. How you doing tonight?" That moment changed everything. Not because Mike gave him a Big Book speech, but because he showed up and made him feel human. Matt breaks down his approach: "The number one thing I can do to share the message is to live a good sober life and not be a prick." He talks about being the kind of person who makes others curious about recovery — not through preaching, but through the quality of his life. We discuss: Why "attraction not promotion" actually works in practiceWhat it means to be "the only Big Book someone might read"Steve's realization: "I don't want to be the guy people think would be better off drinking"How carrying the message looks different at 3 months vs. 15 years soberThe story of the 11-month chip and the 38-year chip at the same meetingWhy newcomers carry the message too (even when they're struggling)Matt's exhaustion from travel and why taking care of yourself IS carrying the messageThe real reason Steve keeps his Monday night meeting goingThe conversation gets real about Steve's neighbor asking him to walk the dogs, his grandson's birthday party, and why being wanted at family events is the whole point of doing this work. Bottom line: You don't have to be perfect to carry the message. You just have to live well enough that when people hear you're in recovery, they're curious instead of skeptical. If you've ever felt uncomfortable about "carrying the message" or thought it wasn't your place because you're too new, too flawed, or too tired — this episode is for you. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail Matt and Steve dive deep into Dr. Silkworth's groundbreaking work on alcoholism and why understanding the medical nature of addiction changes everything. They explore a fascinating discovery: Silkworth published his "allergy theory" in a 1937 medical journal—two years before the Big Book—challenging the common AA legend about why he initially hesitated to put his name in print. The hosts discuss why the Doctor's Opinion matters less for its 1939 medical accuracy and more for what it tells newly sober people: you have a condition, not a character flaw. Matt and Steve get real about the difference between the physical reality of addiction (not your fault) and the actions taken while drinking (your responsibility to address). Steve shares his own parallel journey with weight management and GLP-1 drugs, drawing powerful connections between different types of medical conditions that were once viewed as moral failings. The conversation unpacks why self-knowledge alone isn't enough to stay sober, the role of dopamine in addiction, and why removing shame is the first barrier that needs to fall. Whether you're brand new to sobriety or years into recovery, this episode offers a compassionate, science-informed perspective on what's really happening in your brain and body—and why that understanding is the foundation for everything that follows. Links to the two articles Silkworth wrote in 1937: Alcoholism as a Manifestation of Allergy Reclamation of the Alcoholic Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail Service work in AA recovery isn't about giving back - it's about belonging, commitment, and staying sober.  "I don't even drink coffee." "That's fine. You haven't been nominated to drink coffee. You've been nominated to make coffee." Steve heard this exchange at his Thursday night men's meeting, and it might be the greatest line about service work ever spoken. Because that's exactly what service work is - doing something that isn't about you, that gets you connected, that gets you showing up. In this episode, Matt and Steve dig into service work in recovery - what it is, why people are afraid of it, and why it might be one of the most important parts of staying sober that nobody talks about enough. Matt opens up about his early motivation for service work, and it wasn't the noble "giving back" thing everyone talks about. It was simpler: "I wanted to feel like I belonged." He shares the story of being a door greeter at the Tuesday night Forbes Street meeting - scared out of his mind, showing up 30 minutes early every week, hugging everyone who walked in. By the end of 5 weeks, he knew everyone in that room. That's the power of service work. Steve talks about his journey from cleaning ashtrays and taking out trash at his Friday night men's meeting to doing district-level work 15+ years later. But here's what he says: "The most rewarding service work is still at the meeting level - because that's where you meet the new alcoholic, the fresh alcoholic who just came out of rehab or is just looking for a meeting." We break down what service work actually looks like: The basics: Putting away chairs, breaking down tables, making coffeeThe commitments: Chairing meetings, being treasurer, being secretaryThe next level: GSR (General Service Representative), district workThe often-overlooked one: Driving people to meetingsMatt shares the "dirty little secret" about service work: it gets you to go to meetings. When you have a commitment - coffee maker, chairperson, door greeter - you show up. You don't bail because you don't feel like it. You're expected to be there, so you go. And that commitment to the meeting becomes a commitment to your sobriety. Steve talks about why he keeps taking service commitments even after 15+ years: "It makes me part of that meeting so much more quickly. This Wednesday noon meeting, I've only been going for about a year and a half, and there are people who've been there for 20 years. But taking the coffee commitment puts me in as part of that group way faster than if I just show up and never do anything." We also tackle the fears people have about service work: "I'm too new" (Matt's fear early on)"I'll do it wrong" (Matt's coffee-making anxiety)"People will judge me"The truth: The stakes are incredibly low. You can't really screw this up.Plus: The story of Ted S. filling the entire percolator basket with coffee grounds because he'd never made coffee before (that's one STRONG cup), why the phone weighs 500 pounds but picking someone up for a meeting is huge service work, and Matt's realization that he never volunteered for coffee at the Monday meeting because he doesn't drink coffee there (problem solved - he's volunteering now). If you're new to recovery and wondering if you should take a service comm Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail "I love to do things that will give me temporary comfort, that will make me very uncomfortable somewhere down the road." A woman with 30+ years of sobriety shared this in Steve's Wednesday meeting, and it hit hard. Because that's exactly what drinking was - temporary relief that created long-term pain. But here's the real question: when you quit drinking, what are you actually missing? In this episode, Matt and Steve dig into what happens when you remove alcohol but don't replace it with anything. Matt shares his painful 10-month white-knuckle attempt at sobriety back in 2001 - going to parties, feeling like hell, not drinking but not actually changing anything. It led exactly where you'd expect: relapse. They explore the ritual of drinking - not just the buzz, but the physical act of holding a drink in a social setting, being part of the club, that first moment of "ahh, I got my drink" before things went sideways. And why ordering a tonic water with lime to "look like you're drinking" feels so uncomfortable and wrong. Steve opens up about the difference between his first attempt at sobriety (physically beaten down) and his second (morally, spiritually, emotionally spent). How he realized he couldn't just replace alcohol with running 10 miles or hitting the gym seven days a week. He needed something internal to change - which is where the 12 steps came in. We talk about: Why white-knuckling doesn't work (and what actually does)The ritual you lose when you stop drinking - and what replaces itSteps 4 & 5 as the real game-changers (not just Steps 1-3)Transferable addictions: when is the gym healthy and when does it become destructive?That uncomfortable feeling of being the only one not drinking (and when it finally goes away)The difference between missing alcohol and missing the escape it providedPlus: Why Steve now happily orders his wife a glass of wine without needing to order himself anything, Matt's take on why mocktails feel like "perverted versions of alcohol," and the relief that comes from replacing the bar ritual with the breakfast ritual. If you've ever tried to quit drinking on your own and couldn't make it stick, or if you're wondering what the hell you're supposed to DO when you're not drinking anymore, this episode is for you. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail Ever feel like you're doing everything "right" in recovery but still find yourself pissed off when things don't go your way? Steve opens up about his biggest struggle even after 15+ years sober: the control freak mindset that gets shit done but also sets him up for resentment, anxiety, and dangerous thinking patterns. In this episode, we dig into the difference between being outcome-focused (expecting specific results because you did the work) versus journey-focused (trusting the process without demanding a particular ending). Steve shares raw moments from his week—including a family reunion where "normal people" went straight to the bar while he dealt with buried resentment—and how he's learning to recognize when his need for control is actually putting his sobriety at risk. We talk about: Why alcoholics make great control freaks (and why that's both a strength and a problem)The dangerous cascade that starts with disappointment and ends with "maybe I should just drink"How expecting certain outcomes because you "earned them" leads to resentmentWhy being a caretaker amplifies these expectationsThe skills that keep you from that relapse that starts three weeks before it actually happensWhether you're brand new to sobriety or decades in, if you've ever thought "I did everything right, so why do I still feel this way?"—this episode is for you. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail It’s mid-January, the "Pink Cloud" of New Year’s resolutions has evaporated, and for many in the Northeast, we are staring down a "marathon of dark, cold, and gloomy days". In this episode, Matt and Steve get honest about the "January Gloom" and a phenomenon many newcomers face but rarely understand: Anhedonia. If you feel numb, bored, or like life has lost its "charm" since the holidays ended, you aren't doing recovery wrong—your brain is simply healing. We discuss why trying to "fix everything at once" (the gym, the diet, the 5:00 AM wake-up call) is often a recipe for relapse, and why sometimes, the greatest victory you can have is simply putting your head on the pillow sober. What We Discuss: The Dopamine Gap: Understanding Anhedonia—the temporary inability to feel pleasure while your brain chemistry recalibrates after years of "instant gratification" drinking.The Danger of the "Great Reset": Why piling on too many new habits in January can burn you out and why you should "lower the bar" for your own success.The Default Plan: Steve shares his "built-in default" for when life gets stressful and why a meeting is his safe haven even when he doesn't feel like going.Sobriety in the "Muck": Dealing with physical setbacks like Lyme disease and surgery recovery, and learning to prioritize rest over "hustle".Tuesday Morning Clarity: The power of "playing the tape" and how sobriety allows us to show up for our families in ways we never could while drinking.Key Resources Mentioned: Podcast: Sober Powered with Gill Tietz (for a deep dive into the science of addiction).Book: Never Enough by Judith Grisel (on the neuroscience of the addicted brain).Book: Living Sober. "If you're in your first 30 days and you didn't drink today—that's a lot. That's damn good. Lower the bar, baby." — Matt J. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail You can be sober and still have bad days — and that doesn’t mean you’re doing recovery wrong. In this episode, Matt and Steve talk honestly about what it looks like to stay sober through anxiety, physical pain, holidays, and emotional discomfort. Matt shares his experience recovering from surgery, navigating anxiety, and using prescribed pain medication safely without triggering old behaviors. Steve reflects on how holidays and stress at home can still bring up difficult feelings — even with long-term sobriety. Together, they explore an important truth: sobriety doesn’t remove life’s challenges, but it gives you tools to face them. From meetings and step work to walking, writing, acceptance, and simply sitting with uncomfortable feelings, this conversation focuses on practical ways to get through hard days without picking up a drink. If you’re struggling, feeling restless, anxious, or frustrated — especially around holidays or physical setbacks — this episode is a reminder that you don’t have to be “okay” to stay sober. You just have to stay connected and take the next right action. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.

Send us Fan Mail Have you ever been at a party, wedding, or holiday gathering holding a soda and felt like everyone noticed you weren’t drinking? In this episode of Sober Friends, Matt and Steve talk honestly about what it’s like to be the only sober person in the room—especially early on. They dig into why sobriety can feel uncomfortable in social settings, why it’s not really about the alcohol, and how losing that “social lubricant” can make everything feel louder and more exposed. They explore the spotlight effect, identity shifts, guilt and shame from past behavior, and why being around heavy or sloppy drinking can still feel unsettling—even with time sober. Most importantly, they share practical tools that actually help: making phone calls, having an exit plan, taking action when your mind starts spiraling, and learning skills that make social situations manageable instead of overwhelming. If you’re navigating parties, holidays, weddings, or work events without alcohol—and wondering if you’re doing sobriety “wrong”—this episode is for you. You’re not weak. You’re not broken. And it does get easier. Support the show 📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.