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You're halfway through a degree, a job, or a plan you've spent years building, and part of you already knows it isn't right. Saying that out loud feels like admitting you wasted all that time, so you keep your head down and keep going. Psychologist Dr Tim Sharp is back on This Complex Life to talk about his most personal book yet, Lost and Found: How to Wander Your Way to a Better Life, and why getting lost often leads to something better. Things Discussed:Why being lost and failing aren't always bad thingsThe pressure on teenagers to pick a path at 17 and never stray from itWhat fear of failure does to our mental health, from constant worry and rumination to anxiety and depressionWhy the only way to avoid failure is to do nothingPresence over perfection, especially as a parentBelonging, approval and how we tie achievement to our sense of worthThe sunk cost fallacy and why giving up isn't always failureTim's decision to leave his dream job as a clinical academic at the University of SydneyHow to tell the difference between perseverance and being stuckAsking who you want to be, not just what you want to doDefining your own version of success and letting it change over timeTall poppy syndrome, ambition and women taking up spaceLiving with depression before anyone talked openly about mental healthKristin Neff's three parts of self-compassionWhy self-compassion helps people persevere more, not less Timestamps: 0:00 Why we fear failure 1:00 Welcome back Dr Tim Sharp 2:00 Lost and Found and reframing being lost 2:50 Teenagers and picking a path at 17 4:10 How fear of failure affects mental health 5:30 Failing your way forward 6:30 Presence over perfection 7:20 Belonging, approval and self-worth 10:15 The sunk cost fallacy 11:15 Leaving his dream job in academia 12:45 When to push through and when to pivot 14:10 Who do you want to be? 15:00 Alan Watts and shifting goalposts 17:00 Defining your own success 18:15 Tall poppy syndrome and a loaded word 20:20 Women, ambition and taking up space 21:40 Tim's lightbulb moments and mental health stigma 24:00 Where to start with self-compassion 27:30 Does self-compassion make you lazy? 28:30 A tale of two soccer coaches 30:15 Where to find Tim Resources and Links: Lost and Found: How to Wander Your Way to a Better Life by Dr Tim Sharp: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/211608472-lost-foundTim's first episode on This Complex Life: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2sQ7D8ZbsYCFPcsxbNUHCD?si=idIXU5MTQ-aNc4c34rTVzgDr Tim Sharp: drhappy.com.auThe Happiness Institute on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thehappinessinstitute/The Happiness Institute on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheHappinessInstitute/Dr Tim Sharp on LinkedIn: https://au.linkedin.com/in/drtimsharpKristin Neff's self-compassion quiz: https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/ Keep the Conversation Going: Got a question or a thought about this episode? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Guest Info: Dr Tim Sharp, also known as Dr Happy, is a psychologist and the founder of The Happiness Institute. He's worked as a clinician, researcher, lecturer and executive coach, and his latest book, Lost and Found: How to Wander Your Way to a Better Life, is his most personal yet. You can find him at drhappy.com.au, on Instagram and Facebook at The Happiness Institute and on LinkedIn as Dr Tim Sharp. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You know something's off. You're shorter with the people you love, you're not sleeping properly, and the things you used to enjoy don't do much for you anymore, yet telling someone feels harder than pushing through on your own. If that's where you're at, it doesn't make you weak, and you're not the only one. Family therapist Tham Fuyana is back on This Complex Life to talk about men, shame, and why reaching out for help can feel so hard. Things Discussed: What Tham wishes more men knew about reaching outWhat to do when your mates aren't supportive of you getting helpThe aeroplane oxygen mask and why looking after yourself helps the people who rely on youThe difference between feeling ashamed and shameHow shame shows up in the therapy room, from shutting down to looking awayWhose voice shame usually belongs to and why it often traces back to parents, teachers, and the people we looked up toHow small comments like boys don't cry leave an imprint, even when people say they didn't have traumaThe coat of family stories men inherit and why taking it off takes braveryTham's experience as a dad raising mixed-race kids and the idea of a unicorn familyWhy so many men don't come back after their first session and what to expect from therapyWhat happens when someone says it's in the past and they don't want to talk about itSigns you might benefit from some supportOne small first step if things feel a bit off Timestamps: 0:00 Why men aren't taught to ask for help 1:00 What Tham wishes more men knew 2:00 When your mates aren't supportive 3:00 The oxygen mask and doing things on your own 4:00 Shame versus feeling ashamed 5:00 How shame shows up in the room 6:00 Whose voice is it? 7:00 Small comments that leave an imprint 8:00 The coat boys are given 9:00 Tham's own stories as a dad 13:00 Wanting to do it differently but not knowing how 14:00 Coaches, tutors and why mental health feels different 16:00 Why men don't come back after session one 18:00 When it's in the past and they don't want to talk about it 19:00 One small step 21:00 Signs you might need support 22:00 Where to start Resources and Links: Tham's first episode on This Complex Life, on intersectionality and finding a therapist you can relate to: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2ybD5Memvy1Y9nX8AbJdh5Marie and Michael Derby’s episode on shame: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7kPgduDnSzpxJ2ZHODWCEK?si=bSgb3QNzSFipU82MH1BWNwBook with Tham or our team at The Therapy Hub https://thetherapyhub.com.au/Your GP, who can talk to you about a mental health care plan Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or a topic you'd like us to cover? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 About Tham Tham Fuyana is a family therapist at The Therapy Hub in Footscray. He's a Black therapist, a husband, a dad, and a son, and his work is relationship-based, which means he considers the people in a man's life as well as the man sitting in front of him. He first came on the show to talk about intersectionality and what it's like to find a therapist who looks and sounds like you.

Your son's bedroom door is shut again, there's a voice coming through his speaker you don't recognise, and you're standing in the hallway wondering whether to knock. Every headline is telling you boys are in trouble, from the manosphere to the show Adolescence that had a whole country looking sideways at their own kid. Underneath all of it sits the pressure to raise a good human and a good man. In this conversation, parenting researcher Dr Justin Coulson joins me to talk about his new book Boys: Building Strong Young Men From the Inside Out, what parents are worrying about that's actually normal, what deserves a code red, and five practical ways to start the conversations that matter. Things Discussed: Why grunts, privacy and an obsession with mates are developmentally normal for teenage boysThe code red signs Justin wants parents to take seriously: pornography, contempt towards girls and women, and not being able to accept noHow boys are falling behind at school and university, and how that frustration can turn into blaming womenThe idea at the heart of Boys: healthy men help the people around them feel safer and strongerWhy women are looking for a partner who will be a bonus in their lifeRole models, and who Australian boys actually name as their number one role modelWhy masculinity feels so easy to threaten, and what the research on precarious masculinity foundJustin's five things: start young, call it out, teach empathy and perspective taking, talk through hypotheticals, and role model itHow to respond to the parent who says "I never had this and I turned out fine"The water bottle of connection, and why correction and direction drain itTeen led time together with no hidden agenda Timestamps: 0:00 The party conversation every parent of a teenage boy needs to have 0:15 Why parenting boys feels so hard right now 1:45 Meet Dr Justin Coulson 2:15 What parents worry about that's actually normal 3:30 The code red signs to take seriously 4:00 Boys falling behind at school and university 6:15 What teachers are seeing in primary school classrooms 8:00 Contribution and the core message of Boys 10:30 "Show me your bonus" 13:15 Role models and the manosphere 16:00 Who boys say their role model is 21:45 Precarious masculinity 25:45 Five things parents can do 27:45 Calling it out 29:45 Teaching feelings instead of telling off 30:30 Empathy and perspective taking 33:15 Hypothetical conversations about parties and peers 35:15 "I never had this and I turned out fine" 39:45 What you can do tonight 41:00 The water bottle of connection 45:45 Teen led time with no agenda 47:15 Where to find Justin Resources and Links: Boys: Building Strong Young Men From the Inside Out by Dr Justin Coulson: Get the Book Here The Happy Families podcast: https://happyfamilies.com.au/podcast Dr Justin Coulson's website: https://justincoulson.com/ Of Boys and Men by Richard Reeves: https://www.amazon.com/Boys-Men-Modern-Struggling-Matters/dp/0815739877 Manhood in the Making by David Gilmore: https://www.jstor.org/stable/j.ctt5vm2vj Tuning in to Teens: https://marievakakis.com.au/tuning-into-teens-parenting-program/ Connected Teens, my course for parents of teenagers: https://marievakakis.com.au/connected-teens/ Keep the Conversation Going Got a question or a topic you'd like me to cover? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 About Our Guest: Dr. Justin Coulson has a PhD in psychology and has spent more than 20 years researching families. He hosts Parental Guidance on Channel Nine and The Happy Families podcast, which comes out every weekday. He's a dad of six daughters and Boys is his 11th book. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Everything in your life looks good on paper, so why don't you feel good? The study's going well, the job's stable, and your calendar's full. You can explain exactly where your stress comes from and what sets it off, yet actually feeling it is a different story. This week I'm joined by psychologist Edy Xie to talk about high achievers who are functioning but not well, why understanding a problem isn't the same as feeling it, and what that looks like when you're struggling to say no. Things Discussed:How Edy found his way into psychology after biomed, a love of cooking, and a quarter-life crisisGrowing up in a migrant family where mental health wasn't talked about, and the stigma that kept him from getting support soonerWhy it's worth trying again if your first therapist or first session didn't clickWhy progress in therapy is often slower than people expect, and the tennis metaphor Edy uses to explain itWhy insightful people can explain their problems perfectly but get stuck when asked how they feelTrying to fix an emotion like it's a logic problemWorking with high-achieving young people who look like they're thriving but feel anxious, self-critical, burnt out, and lonelyWhat happens when someone finally checks in on the capable onePerfectionism, the 95% finished assignment and a few therapy bloopersWhy Edy doesn't try to get rid of perfectionism, and how curiosity helps insteadWhat ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy) is and how it worksStruggling to say no, tolerating someone else's disappointment and noticing your defences in real timeEdy's experience of trying to be the perfect client in his own therapyWhy being productive isn't the same as being well Timestamps:0:00 Introduction 0:50 How Edy found his way into psychology 2:50 Stigma and talking about mental health at home 4:10 Why it's worth not giving up after your first therapist 5:00 When people don't come back after the first session 7:00 The gym, the physio and the tennis metaphor 8:15 When you can explain it but can't feel it 9:15 Trying to fix an emotion 10:50 Working with high-achieving young people 13:30 When nobody checks in on the capable one 15:05 Perfectionism and the 95% finished assignment 17:30 Therapy bloopers 18:40 Working with perfectionism without fighting it 20:40 What is ISTDP? 22:05 Struggling to say no and tolerating disappointment 26:20 Being the perfect client in your own therapy 29:50 Functioning isn't the same as being well Book an Appointment:If something in this episode feels close to home and you'd like some support, you can book an appointment with Edy or one of the team at The Therapy Hub in Footscray: Book Here Keep the Conversation GoingGot a question or a topic you'd like me to cover on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 About Edy XieEdy Xie is a psychologist who works with clients across a range of ages, including a lot of high-achieving young people and young adults. He works at The Therapy Hub in Footscray and has a particular interest in ISTDP, which he's experienced in his own therapy as well as using it with clients. Before psychology, Edy studied biomed and spent time working in cafes, chasing his childhood dream of being a chef. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You say yes before you've even thought about it. Later that night you're lying awake, going over it, annoyed at them and even more annoyed at yourself. You don't want to be the difficult one, so you keep saying yes and the resentment keeps building. In this episode I talk with author and coach Maryna Bilousova about people pleasing, resentment and the good girl conditioning that makes saying no feel impossible. Things Discussed: How childhood patterns show up in who we choose and how we react in adult relationshipsFreud's iceberg and the part of the mind that runs things below our awarenessWhy resentment so often comes back to boundaries and self worthThe good girl conditioning: behave, comply, never say no, never admit there's a problemWhy it's so hard to sit with someone else's disappointmentWhy a boundary is your job to hold, not the other person's job to rememberThe fence in the park and why boundaries create a sense of securityHow behaviour gets co created between people, from gym classes to the friend who's always lateWhy understanding a pattern isn't the same as changing it, and how EMDR and hypnosis can helpThe Gottman aftermath of a fight and a couple arguing over a leaky tapTaking time for yourself as a parent, and what happens when mothers lose themselves in their kidsPractical ways to say no: pause, breathe, count to three, the superwoman pose and clear is kind Timestamps: 0:00 Resentment and the patterns we can't explain 1:00 How Maryna came to this work through her own relationship 2:00 Freud's iceberg and the subconscious mind 3:30 When an adult relationship repeats a childhood dynamic 5:00 Resentment, boundaries and being the good girl 7:00 Why saying no feels so hard 8:00 The power of saying no 9:00 The fence in the park: boundaries as security 10:00 How behaviour gets co created 11:00 When old fears follow you to work 12:30 Understanding a pattern versus changing it 15:00 The Gottman aftermath of a fight and the leaky tap 18:30 What Maryna wishes she'd known as a young mum 21:00 Losing yourself in your kids 23:30 Learn to say no and trust your gut 25:00 The superwoman pose and clear is kind Resources and Links: Loving Without Losing Yourself by Maryna Bilousova: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0GHSY27PG Maryna Bilousova on Instagram, including her free discovery call: https://www.instagram.com/maryna_bilousova_official/ Relationship Reset: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ EMDR therapy at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/emdr/ Brené Brown, clear is kind: https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/10/15/clear-is-kind-unclear-is-unkind/ Guest Info: Maryna Bilousova is an author and coach who works with women stuck in emotionally confusing relationships. Her work brings together subconscious reprogramming, hypnotherapy and what she calls the revolutionary mindset. She's the author of Loving Without Losing Yourself and a mother of four, and she joined me from Germany. You can find Maryna on Instagram, where you can also book a free discovery call with her. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You're the one everyone brings their problems to, at work, at home and everywhere in between. By the time the day winds down you've held the school emails, the parent who needs a phone call, the clients and the health advice you keep meaning to follow, and you're not sure who gets to hold any of it for you. It's a lot to carry, and most of us carry it without saying so out loud. Fi Mims, a business coach and photographer who has been running her own business for 23 years, joins me to talk about the load women carry at home and at work and who she actually calls when it all gets heavy. Things Discussed: What life looks like in the sandwich generation, with 17 year old twins, a business and two parents in aged careWhy the health messaging aimed at women over 40 can leave you feeling like nothing you do is ever enoughHow work can settle you when things are tense at home and what it takes to be fully present for someone elseThe unspoken expectations about who carries the mental load and why workplaces and schools haven't caught up with families where both partners workA fresh perspective on the trad wife movement and burnoutWho Fi talks to when things get heavy and why sharing the load with the right people mattersUsing professional support alongside your inner circleWhat Fi has learnt about listening in her marriage and with her teens, including calming down first, taking the other person's perspective and letting teenagers have their sayWhy planning ahead and slowing down before you're forced to is worth the discomfortChoosing deeper connection over the easy win of the couch Timestamps: 2:00 Life in the sandwich generation 4:00 Hiking the Grampians with her son 7:00 Holding space for others while managing your own life 8:00 Being a woman in business and the unspoken load at home 10:00 Why work and school haven't caught up with working families 13:00 The trad wife movement and burnout 14:00 The pressure to get health right 16:00 Who you unload with when it all gets heavy 19:00 Using professional support when you need it 22:00 Communication and perspective taking in marriage 24:00 Parenting teens and learning to zip it 27:00 What Fi would say to anyone in this season 30:00 Slowing down, planning ahead and choosing deeper connection 33:00 Wrapping up and one thing to try Resources and Links: Work with Fi Mims: https://fimims.com/contact Find Fi online: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/fimims/ Facebook https://www.facebook.com/fimimsphotography LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/fi-mims-photography/ Keep the Conversation Going Got a question you'd like answered on the podcast? Ask me anything here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Guest Info: Fi Mims is an award winning photographer and business coach who supports her clients to look and feel their best and lifts the visibility of their personal brands. Her photographs show clients as authentic, beautiful and powerful, and her coaching supports them to find self belief, confidence and purpose. With over 20 years of experience behind her, Fi has navigated the many challenges facing modern women while building and maintaining a multiple six figure business. When she's not working she's dreaming up new holiday adventures, getting through the pile of books next to her bed, enjoying a good boogie and never refusing a glass of champagne. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You still say I love you before bed. You still sit next to each other on the couch most nights. Nothing bad has happened, no big fight, no betrayal, and somewhere along the way you stopped feeling like you actually know this person. This episode looks at three reasons emotional intimacy fades in long term relationships, even when nothing has gone wrong, and what you can actually do about it this week. Things Discussed: What bids for connection are, and why missing them slowly creates distanceThe Gottman research on why relationships more often end in a slow drift than one big blow upWhy spending time together is not the same as quality timeThe REV framework for listening: reflect, empathically attune, validateThe still face experiment, and why a blank face can feel threateningWhy couples stop updating each other, and how to start againSpecific open ended questions to try with your partner this week Timestamps: 2:00 Why emotional distance builds without one clear cause 3:00 Bids for connection, explained 5:00 The Gottman research on what keeps couples together 7:00 Why time together is not the same as quality time 9:00 The problem with yes or no questions 11:00 REV: reflect, empathically attune, validate 14:00 The still face experiment 15:00 The third reason couples drift apart 18:00 Questions to try with your partner this week 20:00 Small deposits, not one grand gesture Resources and Links Free open ended questions guide Open ended questions https://marievakakis.com.au/open-ended-questions-for-couples/ Relationship Reset course https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Keep the Conversation Going forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Connect with Marie: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Most people don't know the difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, or which one they actually need. In this episode, Tania Wellby, an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist, joins Marie to talk about sexual scripts, mismatched desire and why your partner turning you down is almost never about you. It's a direct conversation about the stuff most of us only type into Google late at night and never say out loud. Things DiscussedThe difference between a sex therapist and a couples therapist, and how to know which one you needWhat actually brings people to sex therapy, from mismatched desire to sexual trauma to dating anxietySexual scripts, the unspoken rules about sex and gender we absorb from culture and never actually choseWhy one partner's low desire so often gets misread as rejectionThe vulnerability cycle, and how it shows up around sex as much as it does around conflictHow to say what you actually feel instead of the thing that starts a fightWhy nothing shocks a good sex therapist, and what that means for the rest of us Timestamps0:00 What actually brings someone to sex therapy 2:00 Welcome to This Complex Life with Tania Wellby 5:00 Why sex is still taboo, even among social workers 8:00 What actually brings people through the door 13:00 Sex therapy or couples therapy, how to know which one you need 14:00 Sexual scripts, the blueprint nobody signs up for 17:00 The vulnerability cycle and why low desire gets read as rejection 23:00 Is there anything that could still shock her Resources and LinksTania Wellby https://www.yestherapy.com.au/meet-tania Free sex and intimacy guide https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/ Keep the Conversation Goingforms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Guest InfoTania Wellby is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Sex Therapist. She's dual trained, which means she works across both the mental health side and the sex therapy side of what people bring into the room, including desire, sexual trauma, sexuality and relationships.

You love your partner and you'd choose them again if you had to do it all over, so why did you stop wanting sex with them? As a couples therapist, this is one of the most common things I hear from couples, and it's almost never about love running out. In this episode, I break down why love and desire run on completely different systems, how safety and familiarity can quietly work against your sex life, what becoming a parent does to desire (and why being touched out is different from just being tired), how resentment blocks desire and why waiting for spontaneous desire to strike is a myth that's setting you up to wait forever. I also share practical ways to bring the spark back without adding pressure, including the difference between wanting and willing and one simple exercise you can try tonight. If you've been quietly wondering whether something's wrong with you or your relationship, this episode is for you. Free conflict workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/Free guide to sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ 0:00 Why you can love someone and still not want sex with them 6:00 Becoming a parent and feeling touched out 12:00 Resentment and the mental load 15:00 Why waiting for spontaneous desire is a myth 20:00 Bringing back novelty, fun and playfulness ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

The kitchen is finally clean. You've sat down for the first time all day. Then a hand lands on your back and your shoulders go tight before you've decided anything at all. You love them. You're just completely done, and you already know how tonight goes if you say no. This week I answer a listener question from someone who wants sex less often than her partner does and has started to wonder whether something is wrong with her. We talk about why the number is almost never the actual problem, what's really driving the tension in these dynamics and what you can do about it. Things Discussed The listener question: my partner wants sex more than I do, and I feel like I'm failing at something I'm supposed to wantWhy differences in desire show up in most long term relationships at some pointWhat shifts desire over time, including illness, medication side effects, parenting, stress, hormone changes and body changesWhy a difference in desire doesn't mean you're incompatibleThe meaning people make of a no, and why that meaning does more damage than the no itselfSexual scripts and the templates we all carry about who initiates and how it's supposed to goWhy there's no normal frequency, and why many couples have never agreed on what sex even means to themThe golden rule: it's fun, it's pleasurable, everyone is willing and able, and no can be said without an unintended consequenceHow affection drops off when every touch feels loaded, from opposite ends of the couch to not holding handsBeing lonely in the same house, living like housemates or ships in the nightResponsive desire and spontaneous desire, and why waiting to feel like it first can mean waiting a very long timeWhy planning for it and building anticipation isn't a failure of romanceWhy the big weekend away often ends in a fight instead of connectionEmily Nagoski's accelerator and brakes analogy, and how two people can have very different sensitivitiesTaking sex off the table for an agreed period so bodies can relaxHow to open the conversation, when to have it, and why your first attempt is allowed to be a rough draftThe sex education most of us got, and what it left out Timestamps 0:00 The hand on your back and the panic that follows 1:00 The listener question and why it comes up so often 2:00 Differences in desire show up in most long term relationships 3:00 What changes desire over time 4:00 Sexual scripts and the meaning we make of a no 4:50 There is no normal frequency 6:30 How affection slides off the agenda 8:00 Lonely in the same house 9:40 Responsive desire and the myth of spontaneous desire 11:20 Planning, anticipation and why it still counts 12:50 Why the weekend away backfires 13:40 Accelerators and brakes 14:40 Taking sex off the table 16:10 How to start the conversation 17:40 You are not failing at anything Resources and Links Free guide to talking about sex and intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/time-to-talk-a-guide-to-talking-about-sex-and-intimacy/ Relationship Reset, including the full module on intimacy: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Couples Therapy Masterclass series for therapists, including the module on working with desire discrepancy: https://marievakakis.com.au/professionals-training/ Work with me: https://marievakakis.com.au/contact/ Episode with Dr Sarah Ashton on sexual scripts and desire: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1xGrzIjeplUPmQ9zCfOfnX?si=9wX0pMK4QN6I8xEDT3XVMg Books mentioned Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski Come Together by Emily Nagoski Keep the Conversation Going Got a question you want answered on the podcast? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 I read every question that comes in, even the ones I cannot get to. ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Why doesn't mental health advice change what you actually do? You can name your attachment style, explain what co-regulation means and know exactly why yelling isn't helping, and still lose it before school drop off. In this episode I talk with Sana Qadar, host of the ABC's All in the Mind, about the gap between knowing the research and using it, the mental health words that have lost their meaning, and the one parenting strategy she took home and used within the week. Things we discussedHow a journalist who trained to be a war reporter ended up hosting a psychology podcastWhy being fluent in mental health language isn't the same as changing your behaviourThe anti yelling advice from Dr Lindsay Gibson that fixed Sana's morning routine overnightTurning the school morning into a game instead of a fightThe difference between willpower and building a system around yourselfWhat has actually changed in how we talk about mental health in the last five yearsTrauma, ADHD and narcissism used as catchall terms, and what gets lost when they areHow Sana decides how much of her own life to share with listenersWorking out whether the person giving you advice online is actually qualifiedWhy almost every episode about the brain turns out to be a story about a relationshipWhat makes you hard to live with, and what it means when someone calls you unreflective Timestamps0:00 Intro 1:40 From war reporting to psychology and neuroscience 2:40 Why knowing the research doesn't mean you're doing the work 4:40 The parenting advice she took home and used that week 6:20 How much of yourself to share when you host a show 9:20 The basket of paper tasks that changed their mornings 10:10 What has shifted in how we talk about mental health 11:00 Trauma, ADHD and therapy speak as catchall labels 12:40 The story that stayed with her 16:00 What it's like being the one getting interviewed 21:30 How to work out if someone is qualified to give advice 24:30 Why every brain story is really a relationship story 27:20 What makes you hard to live with About SanaSana Qadar is the host of All in the Mind on ABC Radio National. She spent ten years working in international news before moving into psychology and mental health reporting, and has been hosting All in the Mind full time since 2021. She isn't a psychologist or a therapist, which is exactly why this conversation is useful. If you have a topic you'd like the show to cover, you can email [email protected]. Resources and linksAll in the Mind podcast – get it on the ABC listen app or where ever you get your podcasts Keep the conversation goingGot a question or a topic you'd like covered? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9

The five love languages have sold over 20 million copies and become one of the most widely used frameworks in pop psychology. Most couples have done the quiz. A lot of them have tried to apply it. In this episode, Marie talks about what the research actually found when the core claims were tested, where the framework falls short in practice, and what consistently shows up in the research as a far better predictor of relationship satisfaction. Things Discussed The origins of the five love languages and why the book resonated with so many peopleWhy the framework was based on pastoral counselling, not researchWhat the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy found when it formally tested the core claimsWhy having the same primary love language as your partner doesn't predict relationship satisfactionThe ways people misuse the love languages: as a compatibility test, a measuring stick, or a fixed diagnosisWhy love language preferences shift with life stage, stress and having kidsResponsiveness and bids for connection: what the research shows is a far better predictor of relationship satisfactionLove maps: understanding your partner's inner world, why most couples stop updating them after three to five years, and what that costsPractical steps: asking your partner what would make them feel loved right now, staying curious, keeping the conversation going Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 1:00 Why the five love languages resonated and what the book got right 2:15 The research gap: pastoral counselling versus evidence 3:00 The five categories and what the research found about shared love languages 4:30 What goes wrong: love languages as a compatibility test 6:00 Responsiveness and bids for connection 8:00 Love maps and staying updated on your partner's inner world 10:30 What to do instead 13:30 Relationship Reset and how to get support Resources and Links The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman Relationship Reset Course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Keep the Conversation Going forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Your partner gets defensive and suddenly the conversation you needed to have is completely buried. Now you’re defending yourself, they’re defending themselves, and whatever you actually needed to talk about is gone. This is one of the most common things I see in couples therapy, and in almost every case there’s more going on underneath the surface than it looks like from where you’re standing. What this episode covers What defensiveness usually is: a reaction to how something was delivered, not just a personality traitCriticism vs contempt: the two Gottman concepts that predict relationship breakdown and how they trigger defensive responsesHow to tell the difference between attacking the person and describing your own experienceThe shopping trolley story: intention, impact and interpretation, and why couples fight about the wrong thingHow past experiences, trauma and negative sentiment override shape the way your partner hears what you sayWhy some people are wired to hear an attack even when there isn’t oneWhat to do when you see defensiveness coming, including the gentle startupLeading with curiosity instead of accusationHow to ask your partner to rephrase something when it has landed wrong Timestamps 0:00 Introduction 2:00 Criticism and contempt: what Gottman research tells us 4:00 How you start the conversation changes everything 6:00 Intention, impact and interpretation 10:00 When interpretation becomes the story we tell ourselves 13:00 How past experiences and trauma shape defensive responses 17:00 What to do when your partner gets defensive 20:00 How to phrase things differently and ask for a rephrase Resources and Links Conflict Workbook: https://marievakakis.com.au/why-couples-keep-arguing-and-what-its-really-aboutand-what-its-really-about/Relationship Reset course: https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/Marathon sessions at The Therapy Hub: https://thetherapyhub.com.au/marathon-couples-therapy/ ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

Grief is one of those feelings we don't talk about very well, even though every single one of us will live through it. In this solo episode I sit with grief in all its forms, from the loss we expect to the loss that knocks us sideways. I talk about what helped me, what I see in the therapy room, and the small practical things that actually make a difference when you're the one grieving or the one trying to support someone who is. Things Discussed The many different types of grief, and why having language for them helpsAnticipatory grief, and what it's like to slowly lose a grandparent to dementiaThe things people say with the best intentions that quietly make grief harderWhy two people can lose the same person and grieve like strangersGrief bursts, and why a wave of sadness can arrive months or years laterHow to genuinely show up for someone instead of asking them to tell you what they needWhat to do when grief comes out as angerWhy comparing whose loss is worse misses the point entirely Timestamps 0:00 Why we don't talk about grief 0:30 The many types of grief 2:20 My first experiences of grief 5:30 Grief and love arrive together 9:30 What not to say to someone grieving 13:00 Practical grievers and feeling grievers 17:40 How to actually show up for someone 22:30 Anticipatory grief Resources and Links Inside Social Work: When a Client Dies by Suicide: Reflections for Mental Health Professionals Work with a therapist Question or topic suggestions: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Keep the Conversation Going Got a question you'd like me to answer on the podcast, or a topic you'd like me to explore? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6

You still like each other. You get along well. There's no crisis, nothing obviously broken. You've just stopped feeling in love the way you used to, and you're not sure whether you can get it back. That's the Ask Marie question this episode answers, and it comes up more often than almost anything else I hear in my consulting room. What this episode covers Why what you're describing is extremely common and what the difference between drifting apart and falling out of love actually meansThe plant metaphor: why a relationship that doesn't get what it needs fails not because it wasn't resilient but because it wasn't tendedFive signs you've drifted: patterns have become functional rather than romantic, conversation is mostly logistics, small moments of connection have disappeared, you're on autopilot, you're coexisting rather than connectingWhy this happens, especially when children arrive, and why the relationship gets quietly deprioritised because it seems more stable than everything else demanding your attentionThe emotional piggy bank: why small consistent deposits build the buffer you need when hard times come, and why so many couples are in overdraftBids for connection and the three ways we respond to themWhy weekend getaways often make things worse and what actually works insteadHow to start the conversation using I statements that describe feelings rather than the other person's behaviourWhy tone matters as much as words and how the same sentence can land completely differently depending on how it's deliveredHow to pick the right timing for a difficult conversation and stop setting each other up to failThe marathon session story: a couple who fell back in love after two days of deep conversationSmall deposits to start today Timestamps 0:00 Introduction and the Ask Marie question 2:30 Why drifting apart is different from falling out of love 5:30 Five signs you've drifted 15:00 Why it happens: parenting and deprioritising the relationship 20:00 What actually works 23:00 Bids for connection and the emotional piggy bank 27:00 How to start the conversation 32:00 Picking the right time 35:00 The marathon session story Resources and Links Relationship Reset courseOpen-ended questions for couplesMarathon sessions at The Therapy Hub Keep the Conversation Going Got a question for Ask Marie? Send it through: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9 Instagram: @marievakakis Website: marievakakis.com.au ENROL NOW Relationship New Year RESET 2026 https://marievakakis.com.au/relationship-new-year-reset-2026/ Connect with Marie https://thetherapyhub.com.au/ https://marievakakis.com.au/ https://www.instagram.com/marievakakis/ Submit a question to the Podcast https://forms.gle/nvNQyw9gJXMNnveY6