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Feeling the full weight of what you’ve done sounds like the price of recovery. For a lot of people, it’s what keeps the addiction going. If you or someone you love has been through a recovery program built on shame, you may know how this goes. You’re told you’re powerless. Your behavior gets framed as a moral failure. You’re asked to catalog every person you’ve hurt, and you do it, because the harm was real. And somehow the pull to drink, use or act out gets stronger, not weaker. That isn’t a lack of willpower. It’s what happens inside a person when shame gets piled onto shame. I’ve worked with people struggling with addiction for a long time, and I’ve found internal family systems (IFS) to be far more accurate about what’s going on. In this conversation I talk about: Why shame is the engine of addiction, not the exit. Research consistently points to shame as one of the strongest predictors of relapse. When someone feels fundamentally broken, the part of them that reaches for relief has even more reason to fire.What happens in IFS terms when a program adds more shame. The exile, the wounded part, is already drowning in “I’m bad, I’m broken, I’m beyond help.” The firefighter, the part that drinks or uses, exists to get you away from that feeling, so its job gets more urgent. The manager, the part trying to hold everything together, gets harsher and more critical, and the whole system tightens.Why the part that drove the behavior isn’t evil. The harm it caused is real, and nobody is denying that. That part was trying to protect a wound it couldn’t bear.What changes when you meet that part with curiosity instead of contempt, and let your Self, with a capital S, witness what the exile has been carrying.I also share the story of a man I worked with who had turned to alcohol for years and whose family had run out of patience with him. We formed a team. He learned to recognize the firefighter when it got activated, which was almost always when something in his life reminded him he wasn’t good enough. We traced that feeling back to childhood memories, and with IFS and EMDR he was able to give that exiled part compassion and process what it had been holding. Little by little, and sometimes a lot by a lot, he found it much easier to not drink. Nobody muscled through anything. The wound the drinking was medicating was finally getting real care. If this episode helps you see your own patterns, or someone else’s, with a little more compassion, pass it on to someone it could help, and leave a comment with what you’ve noticed. CHAPTERS   (00:00) Why shame-based recovery programs often backfire  (01:00) Shame is the engine of addiction, not the exit  (02:00) The exile, the firefighter and the manager when shame gets added  (03:00) The part that drove the behavior isn’t evil  (04:00) How Self witnesses the wound so the shame can lift  (05:00) A client story where the trigger was feeling not good enough  (06:00) IFS and EMDR together, and why drinking got easier If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

You quit drinking, and suddenly you can’t stop eating. You put the phone down, and the anxiety becomes unbearable. Maybe it’s the wine after a fight with your partner. Maybe it’s the fridge when loneliness hits, or two hours of scrolling the minute you get home from work, right when it’s time to slow down and be together. It looks like a food problem, a drinking problem or a phone problem, and you’ve probably tried to fix it with willpower. Step back far enough and you’ll notice something. The behavior always shows up at the same emotional moment. The substance or the screen changes. The timing doesn’t. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) terms, these numbing behaviors are different firefighters all doing the same job. Here’s what I walk through: What a firefighter part is. It’s the protective part of you that rushes in when emotional pain rises and puts the fire out by getting you away from the feeling entirely.What it’s protecting. Underneath every firefighter is an exile, a wounded part carrying pain from the past that you pushed out of awareness in order to survive.Why quitting one numbing behavior so often starts another. The firefighter lost its tool, but the exile’s pain is still there, so your system finds a new way to manage it. I’ve had clients stop drinking and start vaping, and it happens many times.The question that actually matters. It was never how to stop the behavior. It’s what the exile is carrying that makes the firefighter’s job feel so necessary.How your Self, with a capital S, helps the firefighters stand down. That’s the part of you that can be loving, present, curious and compassionate, and it can be with the wounded part in a way no amount of willpower can.I also share the story of a man whose wife felt he was never available in the evenings. He’d come home, eat dinner and go straight to video games. He grew up watching his parents fight, and a younger part of him was still carrying that fear and helplessness. Coming home meant risking saying the wrong thing, so he went where he was successful. Once he could be with that younger part, using IFS alongside EMDR, it all quieted down. He still plays video games, but now he’s choosing to. His wife feels important and supported again, and she understands his distance was never about her. If you recognize yourself or your partner in this, I offer a 20-minute phone consultation for individuals and couples. You can reach me through toddcreager.com. CHAPTERS   (00:00) The firefighter part and how it puts out emotional pain  (01:00) Why video games, food and alcohol aren’t the real problem  (02:00) Why the timing is always the same, and what an exile is  (03:00) Why cutting off one behavior shifts the problem somewhere else  (04:00) The real question, and the story of a man who escaped into gaming  (05:00) Turning toward the wounded part with Self  (07:00) Choosing instead of reacting, and how EMDR and IFS work together If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

Why does porn addiction keep coming back, even after a sincere promise to stop? Most people who struggle with porn try to quit through willpower. They white-knuckle it. They install blockers. They promise themselves, and sometimes their partner, that this time will be different. Then a bad day hits, or a fight, or a wave of loneliness, and the part of them that reaches for porn fires faster than the promise can hold. If you’re the partner, you’re left wondering whether any promise can be trusted. If you’re the one acting out, it’s easy to decide you’re simply bad. Neither conclusion gets at what’s really happening. In this solo episode, I use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to explain compulsive porn use, sex addiction and other compulsive behaviors from the inside. Here’s what I cover: What a firefighter is. In IFS, a firefighter is a protective part that reacts when emotional pain comes up fast and drives you toward an immediate escape. It doesn’t care about consequences or the promise you made. Its only job is to make the pain stop right now.Why willpower fails. A promise made in a calm moment can’t outrun a protector that shows up when pain is spiking.The mistake most recovery approaches make. They treat the firefighter as the enemy and try to overpower it, outsmart it or lock it out. In IFS, the firefighter isn’t the problem. It’s protecting an exile, a younger part of you carrying loneliness, shame, or a deep belief that you’re not enough.Why quitting porn by force often leads somewhere else. When the exile is never met, the system finds another firefighter. The porn stops and the drinking starts, or the scrolling, or an emotional shutdown. The form changes and the function stays the same.What recovery that holds looks like. It comes from finding the exile underneath and asking what it has been carrying all this time.When that exile is finally seen by your Self, capital S, the part of all of us with the capacity for compassion, curiosity and connection, its burden starts to lift. The firefighter doesn’t need to run anymore. You didn’t force it to stop. The fire it was putting out isn’t burning the same way. That shift matters for the person acting out, and it matters just as much for the partner trying to make sense of what keeps happening. If you’re the partner of someone you think may be struggling, my free guide, 9 Signs Your Partner May Be Addicted, is a good place to start. You’ll find it at toddcreager.com, along with a way to reach me for a short phone consult if you’re ready to talk. CHAPTERS (00:00) Firefighters: the parts of you that put out emotional pain (01:00) Why willpower, blockers and promises keep breaking (02:00) The mistake most recovery approaches make (03:00) When the porn stops and the drinking starts (04:00) Why the firefighter finally stops running If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

You built a career on being strong, steady and composed. So why does your partner keep saying they feel alone? A lot of men tell me some version of the same story. They work hard. They think of the family first. They wish they got a little more appreciation for everything they carry. And at home, their partner describes a relationship that feels lonely. Both of them are telling the truth, and neither of them can see why. This is a solo episode. I talk directly to high-achieving men, and to the partners who love them, about why vulnerability feels so hard, using the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS). The same parts that made you successful are often the ones blocking connection at home. Here's what you'll hear: Why high-achieving men struggle with vulnerability: the protective "manager parts" that keep you calm, solving problems and never letting anyone see you sweat are the same parts that keep your partner at arm's length.Where the pattern started: most managers formed to guard a young, wounded part, an exile, that learned early that showing need got punished, ignored or told to toughen up. Maybe a father said, "Come on, tough it out." Maybe somebody had to be the steady one in a chaotic home.What happens inside you when your partner asks how you feel: one part deflects with humor, one offers a solution instead of an emotion, one goes quiet, and one waits for the moment to pass.Why forcing yourself to open up doesn't work, and what does. The part of you that shuts down when your partner gets close is scared, and it once decided it wasn't safe to need anyone.The shift comes when that younger part starts to feel safe with your Self, with a capital S, the part of you that has the capacity for compassion, connection, curiosity and courage. When that happens, the protectors don't have to work overtime anymore. You can share what's going on inside, you can really listen, and your partner can finally say, "I don't feel so alone anymore." If you recognize yourself in this episode, or you recognize your partner, call my office for a 20-minute phone consultation. We'll talk about what's happening and whether working together makes sense. CHAPTERS  (00:00) Why high-achieving men struggle with vulnerability  (01:00) Working hard for the family while your partner feels alone  (02:00) The exile: where "vulnerability is dangerous" began  (03:00) What your protective parts do when your partner asks how you feel  (04:00) How your Self helps the scared part feel safe enough to connect If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

Nothing is physically wrong, yet the moment sex starts to matter, your body stops cooperating. Why? In this solo episode, Todd Creager, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with more than 30 years in practice, opens a series on men's issues with one of the most common calls he gets: sexual performance anxiety. Men who reach out are stressed, frustrated and often carrying a lot of shame. Many have a partner who is taking it personally. Todd's message is direct and kind. This is something any man can overcome. Todd frames the problem through internal family systems, a model he has been using with clients because it is accurate and it works. Inside each of us are protective parts. One of them, the manager part, exists to keep us from ever feeling inadequate. For many men, that manager formed early, around moments of being judged or having to earn approval. The original wound lives on as an exile, a part that quietly believes "I'm not enough." The trouble is that the manager follows you into the bedroom, where it has no business being. Instead of being in your body, you are watching yourself from the outside, grading the performance and guessing what your partner is thinking. Monitoring kills presence, and presence is what allows the body to respond on its own. You cannot think your way into arousal. The manager is trying to prevent shame and creating the exact conditions that produce it. Todd also touches on how the same pattern shows up outside of sex, in athletic performance, sleep and even attempts to control blood pressure, anywhere we want an outcome we do not consciously control. The way through is not a better technique. Todd walks through how to recognize the manager, thank it for working so hard, and ask it to step back so the Self, with a capital S, can be in the room. That Self brings clarity, curiosity and compassion, and it is the part that can be with a partner in the here and now. When that happens, the anxiety has nowhere to stand. The body tends to do what it does naturally. That is never the goal, but it is the byproduct. If you or someone you know is dealing with performance anxiety, Todd is here to help. Listen in, and if this episode speaks to you, share it with a man who needs to hear it. Todd Creager, making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

You can name the wound. You can trace it back to where it started. So why does the same nerve still get hit, and why do you still react the same way? In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager talks about a pattern he sees often in his practice: people who have spent years in therapy, who understand their childhood and their patterns, and who still get flooded when their partner touches a sore spot. Todd is clear that understanding yourself is worth doing. His point is that it isn't enough on its own. He walks through the internal family systems (IFS) model and the parts most people are living with without realizing it. The exiled parts carry the old wounds. The managers keep those wounds at a distance so you can function and succeed. The people-pleaser works to make sure people like you, because the exiled part never felt good enough. The firefighter shows up when something gets too close to the wound and puts out the fire however it can, through spending, food, escape into a device, or an affair. Todd explains why traditional talk therapy tends to stay inside the narrative of your story and your history, while your parts live somewhere else entirely, in your body and your nervous system. A five-year-old carrying "I'm not safe" does not respond to hearing the reason it feels that way. It responds to being found and witnessed by Self, the part of you with the capacity to be calm, curious, compassionate and present. Protectors don't step aside because they've been analyzed. They step aside when they trust that Self can handle what's underneath. Drawing on his years teaching students about attuning to children, Todd makes the same case for attuning to your own parts. Talking about a part is not the same as being with one. If you've done the work and you're still stuck, Todd's message is that the problem was never your effort. Comment or reach out if this sounds like your experience. There is hope, and IFS is a vehicle that carries it. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

What if the reaction you have with your partner isn't really you — it's a part of you doing a job it took on when you were five years old? In his yearly anniversary episode, Todd Creager marks 42 years of marriage by turning the lens on himself. Using the internal family systems model, he walks through the difference between our protective parts, our wounded parts, and the Self — the part of us with the capacity for compassion, clarity, calmness, courage, and curiosity toward everything else going on inside. Todd describes how managers work to keep it together and hold the pain in place, while firefighters put the fire out through yelling, gambling, drinking, shutting down, or scrolling a phone instead of turning toward a partner. Then he names his own. The tension in his chest and jaw. Speaking before he knows what he's saying. Getting short, raising his voice, barking back. He calls himself more of a fighter than a flight-er, and he's honest about the manager in him that tries to calm everyone else down as a way to calm himself, sometimes at his own expense. He spends real time on the people pleaser part — the one that doesn't want conflict and doesn't want to disappoint anyone. Todd separates setting his needs aside because his wife's needs matter in that moment from setting them aside because a protective part is running the show. He shares what he calls being healthily selfish: saying what he feels even when she may not like hearing it, and finding that he likes her more when he shows up as himself. Perfectionism gets the same treatment. When his wife says something about him he believes is inaccurate, the quick correction leaves her feeling dismissed regardless of who's right. Todd describes slowing down, soothing himself, and making room for her experience instead — which is possible only when the protective part hasn't hijacked him. He traces that reactivity back to being five or six years old, listening to his parents fight, and deciding conflict wasn't safe. He closes with what happens when wounded parts get to heal at the core through approaches like internal family systems and EMDR, so protective parts no longer carry the burden of guarding them, and two adults can be present for each other. If you recognize your own patterns here, listen through and notice which part tends to speak first in your marriage. Follow the show, and pass this episode along to your partner if it opens up a conversation worth having. This is Todd Creager, making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

Your partner hasn't finished the sentence yet, and your stomach has already dropped. Your jaw is clenched. There's a tightness across your chest that wasn't there ten seconds ago. That isn't stress. That's a part of you speaking through your body before your thinking mind gets involved. In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager explains why parts show up as physical sensation first, and why they move faster than you do. A protector can tighten your shoulders and cross your arms before you've consciously registered what your partner said. A firefighter can flood you with the urge to leave the room or reach for your phone before you've decided anything. An exile, the wounded part that got triggered, can drop a heaviness into your chest that makes you feel small and younger than you are, in a way that doesn't match the moment in front of you. Todd describes what he sees in his office almost daily: two people reacting to each other's reactions. His protective parts guarding his wounded parts, hers guarding hers, the whole thing escalating in seconds. The body told the truth first. The body showed which part came online before either person opened their mouth. He offers one practice you can use before your next hard conversation. Pause for thirty seconds. Notice where you feel something, whether that's tightness, heat, heaviness, or numbness. You don't have to understand it. Name it. "Something clenched in my chest." That small gap between a part activating and you seeing it is the difference between the part running the conversation and you being present for it. Todd then walks through a session from the week before. A woman was anxious about an upcoming trip out of the country with her partner and his family, after a panic attack on a plane the year before during unresolved conflict. Tracing the sensations led to a much younger part of her, one shaped by people she counted on who abandoned her. Her boyfriend was able to see it as a young part rather than a statement about their relationship. She was able to give that part some care and recognize that nothing is wrong with her. If this one landed, try the thirty-second pause this week and notice what your body says first. Follow the show for more conversations on love, sex, and staying connected in long-term relationships. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

Your partner reaches for you, and something inside pulls back. Not all of you. A part of you. In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager talks about the young part that decided long ago that if anyone got close enough to really see you, they wouldn't like what they found. He calls that part an exile — a child who absorbed a message like "I'm not worth attention" or "something is wrong with me," and has been carrying it ever since. The child didn't choose that belief. They lived in conditions where it was the only conclusion that made sense. Todd describes the protective parts that form around an exile and why they are built to keep intimacy at a distance. One protector deflects every compliment before it lands. One keeps sex physical but never emotionally present. One picks a fight right when things are going well. Another becomes whatever the partner needs, pleasant and agreeable, so the real self never has to show up. None of these are character flaws. They are parts doing exactly the job they were given. The way through isn't forcing yourself to be more open, Todd says, because the protectors won't allow it. It's turning toward the exile with Self — the part of you that isn't a part at all, the calm and connected essence you were born with — and letting that young part be seen without judgment first. He closes with a client story from years back. A man whose mother projected onto him her hatred of his biological father, who grew up carrying the message that he was bad, acted it out as a juvenile delinquent, served time, and then sabotaged the marriage he wanted most. Todd walks through how they identified the protective parts, reached the shame underneath, and used EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) with that wounded part. Once the man knew the belief wasn't his, the protectors could rest, and closeness finally had somewhere to land. If any of this sounds familiar in your own marriage, listen with some gentleness toward yourself and your partner. Intimacy becomes possible when we look within and heal. Todd Creager, making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

What happens when trauma therapy stalls, even when you're doing everything right? In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager pulls back the curtain on how he works with clients, and why pairing two respected approaches, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and IFS (Internal Family Systems), helps people heal faster than either one alone. Todd starts with the basics of IFS, the idea that we're all made up of different parts. Some of those parts are wounded, carrying old pain from feeling unsafe, inadequate, unlovable, or abandoned as a child. Other parts are protective, working overtime to make sure we never feel that pain again. He shares a relatable example of how someone who was abandoned might keep choosing partners who feel emotionally safe but not very stimulating, because a protective part refuses to risk abandonment again. Then he explains where EMDR fits in. EMDR helps the brain reprocess a stuck traumatic memory so the past can stay in the past instead of hijacking your reactions in the present. It works beautifully on its own, Todd says, until it doesn't. Sometimes clients go blank, dissociate, or hit a wall. That's not failure. That's a protective part saying the system isn't ready yet. This is where the combination matters. Todd describes how IFS builds the relationship first, helping you meet the protective part, understand what it's guarding, and earn its trust, so EMDR can then release what the wounded part, or exile, has been carrying. He walks through a real-world scenario from his practice with infidelity recovery, where a betrayed partner can't move past the discovery of the affair because a part of them believes letting go would mean letting their partner off the hook or treating themselves like the betrayal didn't matter. You'll hear how befriending that protective part, rather than fighting it, opens the door to processing the deeper wound, whether it's the betrayal itself or earlier abandonment it stirred up. As Todd puts it, one approach builds the relationship, the other releases the burden, and together they can help parts that have carried the same wound for decades finally put it down. If you've tried therapy and felt stuck, or you're working through trust after infidelity and wondering why the pain won't loosen its grip, this episode gives you a clear, compassionate picture of what healing can actually look like. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who's carrying something heavy, and follow the show for more honest conversations about love, healing, and relationships. This is Todd Creager, making the world safe for love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

Why does your child's meltdown sometimes bring out a version of you that sounds exactly like your own parent? Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager breaks down self-led parenting, a concept rooted in Internal Family Systems, and why so many parents end up reacting instead of responding when a child pushes their buttons. Todd separates the wounded, protective parts of us — the manager, who worries about looking good and getting it right, and the firefighter, who explodes or shuts down — from the calm, confident "self" that can actually hold a boundary without losing warmth. He shares two stories to make the idea concrete. The first is personal: watching his three-year-old daughter get turned away by other kids on her first day of preschool, and realizing his own strong reaction as a parent had more to do with his own childhood than with what was actually happening to her. The second involves a client whose fear around her own childhood health struggles gets triggered every time her son won't listen about food, and how naming that pattern is helping her respond to him differently. Todd's point isn't that parents need to be calm all the time or get it perfect. Self-led parenting means noticing when a part of you has taken over the moment, and coming back to yourself before you respond. That shift is what lets you set a limit without making your child feel small, and let them sit with a hard feeling without needing to fix it or shut it down right away. If you've ever said something to your kid that you swore you'd never say — and heard your own parent's voice come out of your mouth — this episode gives you a way to understand what's actually happening in that moment, and a starting point for handling it differently next time. Follow Todd Creager for more conversations on relationships, parenting, and healing the younger parts of ourselves, because raising kids well often starts with parenting the parts of us they trigger. Making the World Safe for Love. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

Why does a small comment from your spouse sometimes set off a reaction that feels way bigger than the moment calls for? Todd Creager, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years of experience, breaks down what's actually happening when your partner triggers you. In this solo episode, Todd explains that the size of your reaction is the clue. When your heart races, your jaw tightens, and you're three steps into an argument before you've decided to have it, it's rarely the grown-up version of you responding. Todd describes a protector — the part that goes on offense with anger, blame, or distance — and an exile, an older wound in you that once felt dismissed, controlled, criticized, or abandoned. He uses a familiar example: a partner forgetting something at the grocery store, and the anger that follows feeling out of proportion to what actually happened. Todd offers a question you can ask yourself mid-fight: how old does this feeling actually feel? That question alone can change a conversation, because it helps you see you're not really fighting your spouse — you're reacting to a moment from long ago that just got pressed again. Todd is careful to note this isn't about excusing a partner's behavior, and it isn't about blaming yourself either. It's about recognizing which part of you is driving the reaction so you can respond instead of react. If you've ever wondered why you overreact to your partner, or why the same argument keeps repeating with more heat than it deserves, this episode gives you a way to slow down and understand what's underneath it. Listen to this episode to learn how recognizing your own triggers can change the way you and your partner talk to each other, and subscribe for more honest, practical guidance from Todd Creager on love, sex, and building the relationship you actually want. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

When your partner shuts down in the middle of a hard conversation, it's easy to read it as punishment — as coldness, stubbornness, or not caring. What if that's almost never what's actually happening? In this episode, Todd Creager — Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 35 years of experience — takes a closer look at stonewalling, one of the patterns John and Julie Gottman identified as a serious warning sign in relationships. Todd offers a different way to understand it, one rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the way protective parts of us learned to manage emotional danger long before our current relationship existed. He explains that stonewalling isn't cruelty. It's a manager — a protective part that decided somewhere along the way that silence was safer than speech. That part didn't develop in response to your spouse. It developed in response to what happened much earlier: a child who was dismissed when they spoke up, shamed when they were vulnerable, or simply never had anyone attuned enough to make expression feel safe. Todd walks through real examples from his practice, including the client who remembers being met with anger as a child for expressing a normal feeling — and the client who has no clear memories of meanness, only an absence of attunement. In both cases, the outcome was the same: the body learned to go quiet. The shift Todd describes — from "why are you doing this to me?" to "what does that part of you need so we can come back to each other?" — is where real repair begins. Not just of the current conflict, but of older wounds the relationship has quietly been carrying. If you or your partner stonewalls, this episode gives you a new framework for understanding what's actually happening, and a starting point for approaching it with less blame and more curiosity. Listen now — and if this work is resonating, visit toddcreager.com to learn more about individual and couples therapy, or explore his self-guided programs. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

What if the fight you keep having with your spouse isn't really about dishes, money, or who said what last Tuesday? What if the two of you aren't even fighting each other at all? In this solo episode, Todd Creager — licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience working with couples — walks you through a framework he uses with couples every day: the three internal parts that show up in virtually every relationship conflict. Once you can see them, the whole fight starts to make sense. Todd breaks down the Firefighter — the part that attacks, raises its voice, and catalogues every grievance from the last six months. It looks strong, but it's actually operating from fear. Then there's the Manager — the part that goes quiet, pulls back, or tries to smooth everything over. From the outside it looks calm, but inside it's just trying to survive the moment. Underneath both of those protective parts lives what Todd calls the wounded or exiled part — the younger, more vulnerable self that feels unseen, unimportant, unsafe, or like it doesn't belong. Todd shares a real couple he's working with right now: a wife who grew up in a loud household where no one really listened, and a husband who was told as a child he should never have been born. Their fights look like her escalating and him withdrawing — but what's really happening is two wounded parts trying desperately to protect themselves. As Todd puts it, their protective parts are actually making things worse for each other, even when that's the last thing either of them wants. The shift happens when couples stop seeing each other as enemies and start recognizing the parts driving the conflict. That awareness — paired with compassion for your own internal experience — is what makes real repair possible. If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same cycles, this episode gives you a clear, honest way to look at what's actually going on beneath the surface. Todd works with couples navigating communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, infidelity recovery, and long-standing patterns that feel impossible to move through. If you're ready to work with him directly, visit toddcreager.com to learn more about his couples therapy and coaching services. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...

What if the thing you've been doing to fix your relationship is actually what's keeping it stuck? Most couples hit a wall. You've read the books, planned the date nights, promised to listen better — and somehow you're still in the same spot. More exhausted, more frustrated, and further apart than before. If that sounds familiar, this episode is for you. In this solo episode, Todd Creager — licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years working with couples — explains why trying harder rarely works, and what's actually happening beneath the surface when your best efforts fall flat. Todd introduces a way of thinking that goes deeper than most couples therapy advice: the idea that we're made up of different parts — and that the real reason relationships stall isn't lack of effort. It's that one part of you is trying to fix things while another part — a wounded, scared, or quietly resentful part — isn't on board. No amount of willpower gets through to that part. He walks through a real couple he's currently working with: a woman who never felt seen as a child and erupts when her husband gets defensive, and a husband who grew up with an aggressive father and shuts down the moment conflict starts. Neither is the villain. Both are being driven by protective parts that took shape long before they ever met. What they're learning — and what Todd wants you to take away — is the difference between a protective relationship and a self-led relationship. A self-led relationship doesn't come from trying harder. It comes from getting curious about the parts of you that keep showing up in the same painful patterns, and learning to lead from a place of clarity, compassion, and genuine connection. This episode won't hand you a quick fix. It will give you a different way of seeing yourself, your partner, and the cycle you keep getting stuck in — and that shift is where real change in a relationship actually begins. If you're in a long-term relationship and feel like you've tried everything, start here. Subscribe to Todd's podcast for honest, practical guidance on the relationship challenges that matter most. If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives. Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288. You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com   HELPFUL LINKS: Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYMBe...