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Coffee & Chat? Click here What does it mean when you say "I don't know who I am anymore"? It means you lost the things that were telling you who you were. A job, a marriage, a home, a parent, a version of your life you expected to keep. Your sense of self was resting on those, so when enough of them go, it goes with them. It is not a sign that something is wrong with you, and it is not a weakness. It is what happens when the labels come off. In this episode, Dr. Amen Kaur explains why losing your identity and losing your motivation are the same thing, why they arrive in that order, and what brings both of them back. Why don't I want anything anymore? Because wanting something you believe you can no longer have is painful, so the mind withdraws it. A 2015 meta-analysis of 90 studies by Colin Leach and Atilla Cidam found that shame leads people to act when a failure feels repairable, and to withdraw when it does not. A marriage that ended cannot be unended. A job that let you go cannot be undone. So the system stops reaching. Your desire did not die. It was pulled back to protect you. Why does losing a job or a marriage feel like shame rather than disappointment? Because the standard you fell short of was probably never yours. Research on the self finds that shame tracks the gap between who you are and a standard you have taken in, and the standards that bite hardest are the ones that came from other people. Married by thirty. Successful by forty. The one who made it out. Disappointment is what you feel when your own plan fails. Shame is what you feel when you fall short of someone else's. Why can I still enjoy things but not want anything? Because enjoying and wanting run on different brain systems. Kent Berridge at the University of Michigan spent thirty years showing that wanting (the pull toward something) and liking (the pleasure once it is here) are separate. One can go quiet while the other is intact. That is why you can have a lovely afternoon with a friend and feel no pull toward anything afterward, and it is not evidence that you are broken. Would getting the job or the relationship back fix it? No, and most people already know this because they have had the thing before and it did not settle them then. Jennifer Crocker's research on contingencies of self-worth found that staking your worth on achievement produces the volatility without the payoff. In one study, students who based their self-esteem on grades reported studying more and did not get better grades. So what actually helps? Self-compassion, which is the opposite of what most people assume. Juliana Breines and Serena Chen ran four experiments in 2012. People given a self-compassionate response to their own failure were more motivated to fix the weakness, and spent longer studying after failing a test, than people given a self-esteem boost. Easing up on yourself does not cost you your edge. Who this episode is for Professional women some months on from a layoff, a divorce, a bereavement, a home lost, an inheritance, children leaving, or an ending they did not choose. People who have done the work, know roughly what they want next, and still cannot make themselves move. Chapters 00:00 "I don't know who I am anymore" and what it actually means 00:00 Why the labels were never yours to begin with 00:00 Why your wanting went quiet 00:00 Wanting and liking are different systems 00:00 Why getting it back would not settle it 00:00 The question underneath all of it 00:00 A short practice you can do right now Research referenced Colin Leach and Atilla Cidam (2015), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, meta-analysis of 90 samples on when shame leads to constructive action Kent Berridge, University of Michigan, on wanting and liking as separate systems Jennifer Crocker and Connie Wolfe (2001) and Jennifer Crocker and Lora Park (2004), on contingencies of self-worth and the cost of pursuing self-esteem George Bonanno and Charles Burton (2013), Columbia University, on the fallacy of uniform efficacy in coping Juliana Breines and Serena Chen (2012), on self-compassion and motivation to improve Rupert Spira, on the awareness of being Come and talk to me. I am offering a twenty minute coffee and a chat this week. You tell me where you are, and we look at the pattern underneath it. Click this Link Dr. Amen Kaur is a trauma-informed somatic coach and the host of Change Your Life. She spent over twenty years in recruitment and career development, latterly as a partner at a FTSE 250 company, and holds a PhD. She works with professional women rebuilding a sense of self after a major loss.

Curious about how to change your life? click here for coffee and chat Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur If you lost your job, were laid off or made redundant, or came out of a divorce, and you know what you want next but cannot make yourself move, the problem is not discipline. In this episode, Dr. Amen Kaur explains the science of why working harder stops working after you have been devalued, why you have no motivation even though you know what to do, and what actually switches motivation back on. In this episode you'll learn The four words that reveal where your energy is going: should, have to, need and want, and why only one of them moves you forwardWhy shame keeps you repeating the exact behavior you are trying to changeWhat the still-face experiment reveals about attention, motivation and feeling stuckThe difference between being seen and being validated, and why praise never fixes itThe real cause of burnout according to burnout research, and why rest alone does not fix itThe two ways people cope with feeling unwanted, and why both keep you stuckA simple one-week experiment to find your motivation again Why do I have no motivation after losing my job? Because a layoff, a redundancy or being managed out is an experience of being unwanted, and the human system goes still when attention and value are withdrawn. That is not laziness and it is not a flaw. It is the same response the still-face experiment shows in infants. Rest and pressure do not fix it, because neither one is the missing input. Why can't I make myself do what I want? Wanting is not willpower. Effort runs on wanting, and wanting runs on being seen. When something cuts the third one, the other two fail behind it. Motivation returns when you are seen for who you actually are, not when you push harder. The four words Should looks at what is missing. Have to looks at obligation. Need looks at lack. Want looks at the thing itself. Want is the only one that pulls you toward your goal. Research mentioned The still-face experiment, Tronick and colleagues, 1978Donald Winnicott on the mirror role of the mother and the false selfCarl Rogers, 1957, on the core conditions of therapeutic changeNorcross and Lambert on the therapeutic relationship as the strongest predictor of outcomeMaslach and Leiter, the six mismatches that drive burnoutHebbian learning, neurons that fire together wire togetherJoe Hudson on shame, wants and the 10 percent more enjoyment experiment Try this week Pick one thing you keep telling yourself you should do. Drop the should. Ask how you could enjoy it 10 percent more, without changing it or buying anything for it. Then notice which of the four words you are using. Coffee and a chat? If you are capable and still feel stuck, grab a coffee and let's talk it through. Twenty minutes, no pitch, nothing to prepare. We will look at what might be keeping you stuck and what could help. Book here: Coffee & chat About Dr. Amen Kaur Dr. Amen Kaur is a trauma-informed somatic coach and former FTSE 250 partner with over 20 years in recruitment and career development. She helps professional women rebuild confidence and get what they actually want after major life and career transitions. Learn more at amenkaur.com. Topics: no motivation after layoff, no motivation after redundancy, lost my job and feel stuck, can't motivate myself after losing my job, how to find motivation again, identity after redundancy, lost sense of self after job loss, feeling unwanted at work, managed out of a job, burnout recovery, career transition, feeling stuck after divorce, self-compassion, being seen, should vs want, still-face experiment, science of motivation

Click here for the quiz: amenkaur.com/quiz A difficult boss, a toxic relationship, or people who never saw your worth can leave you doubting yourself, even when you know you're good at what you do. So when someone finally praises you, you brush it off. Or it makes you want to cry. The problem isn't that you can't take a compliment. It's that difficult people chipped away at your sense of your own value, and your brain is still predicting from that old map. In this episode, I share five lessons to help you know your value again and take back your confidence: Why deflecting praise is a signal, not a flawHow judgment and shame keep good things out, and why the people who can't see you may not have the capacity toWhy comparing your weaknesses to other people's strengths hides your real valueHow self-compassion gets your problem-solving brain back (the one most people get backwards)Why your value grows as you express it Along the way, we look at the brain as a prediction machine, a famous experiment with kittens, and what the research says about judgment, stress and self-doubt. Know your value. Express your value. Receive your value. Take the three-minute quiz to see what's holding you back and where to start: amenkaur.com/quiz Want to work with me? Book a career diagnostic: https://amenkaur.typeform.com/diagnostic Research mentioned: Baumeister et al. (2001), Bad is stronger than good Tangney, shame and guilt Blakemore and Cooper (1970), visual development in kittens Festinger, cognitive dissonance and social comparison Dickerson and Kemeny (2004), stress and social evaluation Gerber, Wheeler and Suls (2018), social comparison meta-analysis Vazire (2010), self-other knowledge Arch et al. (2014), self-compassion and stress Crocker and Wolfe (2001), contingencies of self-worth Vallerand, harmonious and obsessive passion Arnsten, stress and the prefrontal cortex David Linden, Johns Hopkins, and Lisa Feldman Barrett on the predictive brain

Find out where you are being held back. The quiz takes three minutes: amenkaur.com/quiz You have been trying harder than you have ever tried, and it is not working. This episode looks at what actually happens to your sense of worth when you lose the thing you had been proving it with, why affirmations can make it worse, and two things that genuinely help. Underneath most people-pleasing there is one thing going on. We are trying to prove we are worth something. But proving your worth and feeling your worth are two different things, and one does not lead to the other. In this episode I look at what actually happens when the thing you had been proving yourself through is taken away. Why effort stops working at exactly the point you need it most. Why the advice you have been given, including affirmations, can make it worse rather than better. And two things you can do this week that actually restore something. I also share what happened in my own working life, a client of mine who went from being made to feel less than to thriving in a different environment, and a wasp at my daughter's window. In this episode: Why losing a role can feel like losing yourselfWhat the pursuit of self-esteem actually costs youRigid persistence, and why trying harder is not the same as trying wellWhat stress does to the part of your brain that makes decisionsWhy affirmations backfire for the people who need them mostThe open tab, and why unfinished things drain youTwo things that give you your capacity back The research referenced: Jennifer Crocker and Connie Wolfe, Contingencies of Self-Worth, Psychological Review, 2001Jennifer Crocker and Lora Park, The Costly Pursuit of Self-Esteem, Psychological Bulletin, 2004Robert Vallerand and colleagues, on harmonious and obsessive passion, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2003Amy Arnsten, Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function, Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 2009Joanne Wood, Elaine Perunovic and John Lee, Positive self-statements: power for some, peril for others, Psychological Science, 2009Kitty Klein and Adriel Boals, Expressive writing can increase working memory capacity, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2001Gabriel Radvansky and David Copeland, Walking through doorways causes forgetting, Memory and Cognition, 2006Marily Oppezzo and Daniel Schwartz, Give your ideas some legs, Journal of Experimental Psychology, 2014 Find out where you are being held back. The quiz takes three minutes: amenkaur.com/quiz If this episode landed, rating the show is the single most useful thing you can do to help someone else find it.

Take the Quiz : https://www.amenkaur.com/quiz You get close to the thing you want. The promotion, the business, the conversation you've been meaning to have. And something in you pulls back. That's not weakness, and it's not a mindset problem. It's an old map doing its job. In this episode I walk you through the exact five-beat loop your self-sabotage runs on, so you can catch it happening in real time. Then I show you how to break it, working backwards, starting in the one place most people refuse to start. I also run my own through it. The boardroom, the seizing up, the boss who'd put his neck out for me, and the rule underneath it that I didn't know I was following. What you'll take away: The map you were handed early in life, and why self-sabotage is what happens at its edgesThe five beats: want more, trigger, the body reacts, escape, relief, shame, and why the relief is what makes it stickyStep one: start at the shame, and why love is the only thing that stops it fueling the next roundStep two: go back to the trigger and listen, with a short practice you can do while you listenStep three: give your body one new experience, and the trick I stumbled into when I couldn't do it for myselfThe deeper layer: what the Bhagavad Gita, the first letter of John, and the Guru Granth Sahib were pointing to long before the neuroscience caught up Your next step: You now have the method. What you don't know yet is which of your five systems is holding the edge. Take the three-minute quiz at amenkaur.com/quiz and find out what to focus on first. If this episode did something for you: Rate the show wherever you're listening. Share it with the one person who came to mind. And if you have a minute, a few words in the reviews about what shifted. I read every one. Research mentioned: Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: an alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity.Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. Constable.Kirschner, H. et al. (2019). Soothing your heart and feeling connected: a new experimental paradigm to study the benefits of self-compassion. Clinical Psychological Science. Texts mentioned: Bhagavad Gita 6:5 to 6:61 John 4:18Guru Granth Sahib, Ang 441 This episode is for reflection and education. It isn't therapy or medical advice.

You know roughly what you want. You still can't make yourself do it. This episode explains why, in plain pictures, and gives you one small thing to do this week that your body will actually let you do. If you've been laid off, divorced, lost someone, lost a home, or had an ending you didn't choose, and it's months or years on and you're still in the parking lot, this one is for you. Five lessons. It was never a clarity problem. Your brain is driving on an old map. You're not lazy, you're on 8% battery. You cannot be told your value, you have to experience it. And you redraw the map one short drive at a time. With the stories of five women who did exactly that: a book, a podcast, a sideline business, a job that trains for the next thing, and a job that finally fits her family. Find out which of five patterns is stopping you. Three minutes, ten questions: https://amenkaur.com/quiz In this episode Why "I need more clarity" is the wrong problem to solveThe satnav that has the destination and won't startWhat a loss actually takes from you (not the building, the road)Why your brain pulls over after a loss, and why that isn't weaknessThe 8% battery: why courses and advice don't land when you're running on emptyChargers and drainers: the people who fill your battery and the ones running in the backgroundYou cannot be told your value, you have to experience itThe singer, the applause, and where worth actually livesSmall drives in daylight: how the brain redraws its mapFuel on the garage floor vs fuel in the tank The one thing to do this week Write down the rough direction you already know. One sentence. Notice how fast it came. Take the quiz https://amenkaur.com/quiz Science mentioned Lisa Feldman Barrett, How Emotions Are Made / Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. The predictive brain, the body budget, prediction error.Peter Sheeran, Intention-behavior relations (2002); Sheeran and Webb, The intention-behavior gap (2016). Inclined abstainers.Albert Bandura, Self-Efficacy (1997). Mastery experience.Jamieson, Mendes, Blackstock and Schmader (2010). Arousal reappraisal. Keywords starting over, loss, layoff, divorce, stuck, motivation, self-worth, nervous system, identity, career change after 40, women, coaching, self love, value,

Click here for the Free Quiz You've done the courses. You've read the books. You've done the therapy work. And you're still sitting there thinking, why can't I move? That isn't a knowledge problem. You already know the direction you need to move in. Something is stopping you from acting on it. In this episode I make the case that when something big goes, a marriage, a role, a title, a business, a person, what you actually lost was your container. That identity was doing a job for you. It was holding your emotions in place. And when it went, the emotions didn't go anywhere, they just lost their anchor. Which is exactly why it feels like a confidence problem, and exactly why treating it as one doesn't work. I share what I learned reading KPI spreadsheets as a partner in a FTSE 250 business, where I could tell you which person on a team was struggling before anyone said a word to me. And I give you five lessons you can use today. The five lessons You didn't lose your confidence, you lost your containerEmotions compound, and the danger is the delay, not the emotionYour emotions are data, and naming them changes your nervous systemEvery emotion needs a different solution, which is why the wrong course leaves you exactly where you startedSAS: space and self-regulate, before you decide anything Lesson four is the one almost nobody talks about, and it's the reason people spend thousands and come back feeling identical. Not sure which one is yours? I've built a short quiz that tells you which pattern is running things for you right now, with an audio to listen to based on your result. It takes a couple of minutes. Quiz - Click here Research mentioned in this episode Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., and Way, B. M. (2007). Putting Feelings Into Words: Affect Labeling Disrupts Amygdala Activity in Response to Affective Stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421 to 428.Kashdan, T. B., Barrett, L. F., and McKnight, P. E. (2015). Unpacking Emotion Differentiation. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(1), 10 to 16. Note that this literature is largely correlational rather than causal. About Dr. Amen Kaur Dr. Amen Kaur is a trauma-informed who spent over 20 years in leadership, becoming a partner in a FTSE 250 business, before moving into helping women after major life transitions achieve their career and business goals through identity change & creating systems that help implement change.

Take the free 3-minute quiz → https://amenkaur.com/quiz Find out which of the five patterns is keeping you stuck. Ten questions, about three minutes, free, with your own reading and a short audio from me. How to change your life when you already know what to do and still can't do it. You've read the books. You've done the courses. You've made the plan more than once. And still, the thing you keep meaning to change hasn't changed. That isn't a discipline problem. A clinical psychologist called William Miller spent his whole career studying addiction and behavior change, and kept meeting people who had been stuck for years and then changed in a single moment. Not slowly. Not through treatment. All at once. When he asked them what had actually changed, none of them said willpower. They said what mattered to them had rearranged itself. In this episode I take you through five steps you can do in one sitting, with a pen and paper or your voice notes, to find the system running underneath your behavior and start changing it. I share the belief I carried for thirty years, where I got it from, and the ordinary evening that made it impossible to keep carrying. The fifth step is the one almost nobody teaches, and it's the reason so much change is temporary. What we cover Why trying harder works against you, and what actually moves firstThe two kinds of sudden change Miller found, and what they had in commonHow your value structure got built before you had any say in itWhy overgiving and proving your worth are one belief, not several habitsWhy your body objects when you say something true about yourselfWhat completion is, and why change doesn't hold without it Who this is for If you are capable, functioning, and stuck. If you're starting over after a divorce, a redundancy, an empty nest, or leaving a career that defined you, this is the episode about why knowing hasn't been enough. Do this with me Have a pen and paper, or your phone's voice notes. Pause where you need to. This is a doing episode. Research referenced William R. Miller and Janet C'de Baca, Quantum Change: When Epiphanies and Sudden Insights Transform Ordinary Lives. Find out which pattern is yours: https://amenkaur.com/quiz behavior change, identity, self worth, burnout, nervous system, quantum change, William Miller, values, overgiving, people pleasing, women in transition, coachingchange your life in one day, personal development, five steps to change, motivational interviewing, overcoming fear, self-help strategies, value reorganization, shifting priorities, building confidence, behavior change, identity transformation, self-worth improvement, breaking bad habits, self-discovery journey, emotional freedom, creating meaningful change, personal growth techniques, effective life changes, mindset shift, understanding addiction recovery Disclaimer This podcast is for education and reflection. I'm a coach, not a doctor or a therapist, and nothing here is a substitute for medical or mental health treatment. Step three in this episode asks you to look at difficult things on purpose. If that brings up more than you can manage alone, please speak to your GP or a qualified therapist. If you're in crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis line in your country.

You don't have a manifestation problem. You have a belonging problem. Seven lessons on why your nervous system rejects the success you keep asking for, and how to finally move forward. If you've been secretly trying to manifest more in your life, a new you, a new life, that job, that business, that bigger reach, and you're still stuck in exactly the same place, this episode offers a different explanation, one that starts in your nervous system, not your mindset. I spent my early career as a scientist and over twenty years helping people build careers and businesses before becoming a trauma informed somatic coach, so everything in this episode sits on the bridge between science and spirituality. We go deep into the mechanics of why putting something out there isn't bringing back what you truly want, and what your nervous system has to do with it. I share seven lessons, in three parts: Feeling lost doesn't mean you're off your pathYou can't think your way out, because the block was never in your thinkingEverything is energy, and you belong to it by defaultYour brain is a filter, built from every moment you learned you didn't belongYour body isn't failing to attract success, it's rejecting itYour place in the puzzle exists by design, you don't have to earn itBelonging comes first, not after success Each lesson comes with one small action you can take this week, including the ninety second practice for finally letting an emotion move through your body. Mentioned in this episode The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der KolkDr. David Hawkins and his map of consciousnessNeuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor's observation that an emotion moves through the body in about ninety secondsPhysicists John Wheeler and Richard Feynman on the energy contained in empty space Free masterclass If this episode stirred something in you and you'd like support finding your value, releasing your limitations, and creating what you came here to do, my free masterclass is at https://amenkaur.com/masterclass Let's connect Tell me which of the seven lessons landed hardest for you, I genuinely want to know, and it helps me decide what to go deeper on next time. And if this show is useful to you, a rating or review makes a real difference in helping it reach the women who need it. manifestation, why manifestation isn't working, nervous system, nervous system regulation, survival mode, somatic coaching, somatic healing, trauma informed, feeling stuck, feeling lost, self-worth, self-trust, self-love, belonging, purpose, life transition, starting over, career change, visibility, women in midlife, neuroscience, emotional intelligence, intuition, The Body Keeps the Score, spiritual growth

For masterclass clink here Do you keep overthinking every idea, studying what everyone else is doing, and still find you can't start the thing you know you're meant to create? In this episode, we're breaking down why overthinking is exactly what's keeping your creativity stuck. If you're capable, driven, and full of ideas that never make it into the world, the problem isn't your discipline and it isn't a lack of originality. There are three layers of noise sitting between you and the part of you that already knows what to do, and each one has a name, science behind it, and a way through. I'm walking you through the Three Layers of Noise: why your nervous system filters every thought before you get to have it, why unfelt emotion jams the signal your intuition is trying to send, and why the voice in your head is a storyteller, not a reporter. You'll hear how Rick Rubin and Albert Einstein both described the same order of creation, and what the research on insight says about where ideas actually come from. In this episode, you will discover: Why comparison can only ever produce a copy, and what that's costing you. Layer 1: The Body. Why you can't out-think a stressed nervous system. Layer 2: The Emotional Static. Why the answer is arriving but can't get through. Layer 3: The Thought Stream. Why grinding at your desk produces nothing while ideas arrive in the shower. The order the research confirms: the idea comes first, the strategy comes second. The question that replaces "what's wrong with me." Research and books referenced: Amy Arnsten (Yale) on stress and the prefrontal cortex. Lisa Feldman Barrett on constructed emotion and interoception. Sarah Garfinkel and Hugo Critchley on interoception. John Kounios and Mark Beeman on the neuroscience of insight. Roger Beaty on the default mode network and creativity. Albert Einstein's account of his own thinking, from Jacques Hadamard, The Psychology of Invention in the Mathematical Field (1945). Rick Rubin, The Creative Act: A Way of Being. Free Masterclass: https://www.amenkaur.com/masterclass If you want to go deeper and align the systems underneath your creativity in the right order, join my free masterclass here Join the Conversation: Which of the three layers of noise is loudest for you right now? Drop a comment below. I read every single one, and they help me decide what to cover next. Sending you so much love, Dr. Amen Kaur #creativity #overthinking #intuition #creativeblock #startingover #beingyou Keywords: self-discovery, personal growth, creativity, emotional intelligence, innovative thinking, overcoming fear, entrepreneurship, spiritual awakening, finding purpose, mental health awareness, navigating anxiety, unique talents, expressing creativity, building confidence, overcoming obstacles, mind-body connection, emotional healing, intuitive guidance, self-acceptance, developing resilience

Ready to go deeper? Join the free masterclass and learn the full 5-stage framework: https://www.amenkaur.com/masterclass Ever feel like you're moving through molasses, giving maximum effort for minimal output? This episode unpacks the 8% Battery Rule, a simple way to understand why high-achievers hit sudden walls of exhaustion, and the exact signals your nervous system sends before, during, and after a shutdown. In this episode: Why cortisol isn't the villain it's made out to be, and what its natural daily rhythm should look like. How a "flat" stress curve is actually a sign of chronic overload, not calm. Why your recovery speed after a hard day is a better resilience signal than how you feel in the moment. The hidden cost of suppressing grief, anger, and shame while you're "too busy" to feel them. A simple weekly practice for identifying what's quietly draining your energy. Who this is for: high-achievers, entrepreneurs, and high-functioning professionals who keep pushing through exhaustion and want the biological reason their body keeps shutting down, plus a practical way to reverse it. Frequently asked questions: What is the 8% Battery Rule? It describes the tipping point where the nervous system shifts from functioning under pressure into a protective shutdown, often mistaken for laziness or burnout. Why do high-achievers experience sudden shutdowns? They tend to override early stress signals to keep performing, which pushes the body into functional freeze instead of allowing normal recovery. How do I know if my nervous system is recovering? Faster bounce-back time after a hard day is one of the clearest signs your range and resilience are returning. The science behind this episode This episode is science-led. Here are the studies behind each claim, in the order they come up. On the cortisol curve flattening under chronic stress: Adam, E. K., Quinn, M. E., Tavernier, R., McQuillan, M. T., Dahlke, K. A., & Gilbert, K. E. (2017). Diurnal cortisol slopes and mental and physical health outcomes: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 83, 25–41. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2017.05.018 On stress shifting the brain from its slower regulating systems to faster threat-driven ones: Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648 On why the stress response keeps running as long as you keep thinking about the stressor (the "open tabs"): Brosschot, J. F., Gerin, W., & Thayer, J. F. (2006). The perseverative cognition hypothesis: A review of worry, prolonged stress-related physiological activation, and health. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 60(2), 113–124. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychores.2005.06.074 On allostatic load — the cumulative cost carried across the body's systems: McEwen, B. S. (1998). Protective and damaging effects of stress mediators. New England Journal of Medicine, 338(3), 171–179. https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJM199801153380307 A note on the science: These findings describe patterns across large groups of people, not a diagnosis of any individual. The associations are real and consistent, but they're modest in size — which is exactly why nothing in this episode can tell you what's happening in your own body. If you're worried about your symptoms, please see your doctor. Keywords: functional freeze, nervous system shutdown, high functioning anxiety, burnout recovery, why am i so tired, chronic stress, nervous system regulation, cortisol, emotional exhaustion, high achieving women, cant start things, task paralysis, freeze response, allostatic load, HRV, rest and recovery, overwhelm, stress and the body

Free Masterclass You can see the life you want so clearly. The confident version of you, doing the work that actually matters. And then you don't move. Most videos will tell you that's your amygdala, or a dopamine hit, or a lack of discipline. They're wrong, and in this episode I'll show you what's actually happening in your brain when you sit down to begin. I spent twenty years in corporate and made partner at a FTSE 250 before becoming a coach, and the question I could never let go of was why capable people, people with every resource and every reason to move, still don't. This is the answer. We look at the real neuroscience of the vision-to-action gap, including Dr. Tim Pychyl's twenty years of research showing procrastination is an emotion problem, not a time management one, Dr. Piers Steel's motivation equation, and the research most people get wrong about dopamine and desire. Then I give you the one thing that actually closes the gap. Not more motivation. The next right action, small enough that being wrong about it costs you nothing. Because clarity is not the thing you need before you move. Clarity is what moving produces. If you can see it and you haven't started, this one is for you. Free guide, the identity gap and the disciplined mind training: https://www.amenkaur.com/about Studies referenced: Pychyl and Sirois on procrastination and emotion regulation. Steel's temporal motivation theory. Salamone and Correa on dopamine and effort. Oettingen on positive fantasy. Bandura on self-efficacy and mastery. neuroscience and procrastination, emotional management, overcoming procrastination, identity gap, fear and self-doubt, action and clarity, small steps towards goals, vision and action, achieving your dreams, self-help and motivation, managing emotions, understanding procrastination, personal development, achieving goals with neuroscience, productivity strategies, self-improvement techniques, visioning with action, emotional intelligence, mindset and success, motivation and behavior change

Why do you feel so stuck, tired, and behind when you try to start over? Because the problem usually is not that you are behind, and it is not that you are not working hard enough. It is that your nervous system is stuck in survival, and you cannot design a new life from there. In this episode, Dr Amen Kaur walks through five steps to get unstuck and start over, whether that means a career change, a higher-paid job, or finally starting a business, grounded in the neuroscience of stress and a grounded, tradition-based approach to spirituality. This is not motivation or magical thinking. It is what actually moves you from surviving to creating. In this episode you will learn: Why you are not behind, you are early, and how AI is levelling the field for people starting overWhy fear and fatigue, not laziness, are what really hold you back, and the brain science behind itHow to get unstuck so your ideas finally turn into actionThe one question that designs a life: not what you could or should do, but what you want to doWhy your experience is your expertise, and how to turn it into real value using AI Studies and ideas mentioned: Amy Arnsten (Yale) on how stress takes the prefrontal cortex offline, the thinking and creating part of the brainInteroception research on how the body's signals get read as tiredness or fearFestinger's 1954 work on social comparison and how it lowers self-evaluationDeci and Ryan's Self-Determination Theory on autonomy and intrinsic motivationResearch on how belief and expectation from others can shape outcomesNamed traditions on releasing the grip on outcome: the Bhagavad Gita (2:47), Taoist wu wei, and trust in Sufism FAQ: Why do I feel so tired and stuck when I try to start over? Often it is not true tiredness, it is a nervous system in survival mode, driven by fear and self-doubt. In that state the part of your brain you plan and create with is less available, so effort alone does not move you. The fix is to regulate first, then design. Am I behind if I am starting over later in life? No. Because AI is changing what work looks like for everyone, the old map is dissolving. If you are already learning to navigate uncertainty, you are early to the shift, not behind it. How do I get unstuck? Get your nervous system out of survival before you try to plan. Daily, gentle regulation, done consistently, is what lets your ideas turn into action. Borrowed motivation fades because it does not change your underlying state. What is the first step to changing careers when you feel behind? Ask what you want to do, not what you could or should do. Look back at what already comes easily to you, because the thing you undervalue most is often your real strength. Will AI take my job? AI is automating routine, repeatable tasks, and shifting value toward human judgment, creativity, and connection. That makes your experience more valuable, not less, if you learn to use the tools and create from what only you can offer. Listen and subscribe: Follow Starting Over, Being You on Apple Podcasts so you do not miss an episode. keywords: starting over, five steps to start over, overcoming self doubt, designing your life, creating your own path, AI and career change, value of personal experience, regulating nervous system, moving out of survival mode, finding your worth, creating a business from scratch, mindset for success, intrinsic motivation, personal development tips, leadership in uncertain times, emotional regulation techniques, building personal brand, enhancing self evaluation, finding purpose in work, embracing change

Want to go deeper: For Free Masterclass Click Here What are the four levels of consciousness, and why do you feel stuck between hustle and ease? This episode of Starting Over, Being You maps Michael Beckwith's four levels of consciousness, to me, by me, through me and as me, onto the science of your nervous system, for anyone starting over after a redundancy, a career change, or the end of a relationship. If you have lost something you poured years into, a job, a career, a relationship, and you are facing the strange and lonely work of starting over, this episode is for you. Here is the reframe at the heart of it. You did not fail. You outgrew the way you used to succeed. The pure hustle does not fit you anymore, but you are still capable and still ambitious, and it is so easy to get stuck in the gap between the two. In this episode we walk through the four levels of consciousness, a framework from the teacher Michael Beckwith, and do something you will not hear anywhere else. We lay the exact nervous-system state underneath each level, so you can feel where you actually are and what your next chapter needs from you. The science leads, and every spiritual idea comes from a real, named tradition. You will learn why achieving more never quite makes you feel like enough, what is really happening in your body when life feels like a constant fight, and the one shift that starts moving you out of survival and into a state where life feels less forced and far more effortless. IN THIS EPISODE YOU WILL LEARNWhat "levels of consciousness" actually means, and why rising through them changes how you see life rather than adding more to your to-do listThe single biggest reason people stay stuck, and why most of us cannot see it in ourselvesThe nervous-system state hiding underneath each of the four levels, in plain languageWhy hustle and achievement keep you in survival, and why burnout is that state working exactly as designedThe quiet loop that keeps capable people swinging between feeling like a victim and forcing everything themselves, sometimes for yearsWhy success never delivers the "enough" you are chasing, and what doesThe one question to change the next time life is not matching the picture in your headWhat flow and ease really are, and why you cannot force themThe direction all of this is pointing toward, and the first practical step to get there MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODEMichael Beckwith, the four levels of consciousness (to me, by me, through me, as me)Lisa Feldman Barrett, the brain as a predictive organ managing your "body budget"The research on allostatic load, the wear that builds when the stress response never switches offJennifer Crocker, contingencies of self-worthThe research on rumination and why replaying the story prolongs the painResearch on victim signallingMihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the flow stateThe neuroscience of the default mode network quieting in long-term meditatorsRichard Lazarus and James Gross, how appraisal shapes your response and your outcomesNamed traditions referenced: Stoicism, Buddhism (tanha, craving), and the wisdom traditions that point toward oneness and unconditional love FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONSWhat are the four levels of consciousness? A framework from the teacher Michael Beckwith describing four ways of relating to life: "to me" (life happens to me, the victim position), "by me" (I make it happen through effort and hustle), "through me" (I stop forcing and let life move with more ease), and "as me" (a sense of oneness). This episode lays the nervous-system state underneath each one. Why do I feel stuck after being laid off or starting over? Often you have outgrown pure hustle but have not yet settled into a more allowing way of working, so you are caught in the gap between the "by me" and "through me" levels. Your nervous system reads the loss as a threat and keeps you in survival, which makes forcing feel like the only option even though it no longer works. What does the nervous system have to do with feeling stuck? Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett describes the brain as constantly predicting and running your body to match, always reading whether you are safe enough to grow or under threat and need to defend. Each level of consciousness sits on a different answer to that question, and staying in threat keeps you in defence rather than creation. Why doesn't achievement ever make me feel like enough? Jennifer Crocker's research on contingent self-worth shows that when your worth depends on results, it lifts the day you succeed and drops the day you do not, so the feeling never lasts. The target keeps moving, which is why more success rarely delivers lasting fulfilment. How do I move from hustle to flow? You cannot force flow, because forcing is the hustle state itself. Flow becomes possible when your nervous system comes off threat and feels safe, so the work is building that safety and changing the question you ask yourself, rather than pushing harder. GO DEEPER: THE FREE MASTERCLASSIf you know you are ready to move from "by me" to "through me," to stop forcing and start allowing life to work through you so you can create what you are actually here to create, come to the free masterclass. I take you through the spiritual side and the science behind it: your nervous-system intelligence, emotional intelligence, intuitive intelligence, cognitive intelligence, and energetic intelligence, so you can operate from that "through me" state. https://www.amenkaur.com/masterclass CONNECTIf this resonated, please subscribe to Starting Over, Being You so you do not miss the next one. I would love to hear from you, send me a message and tell me which level you recognised yourself in. Remember: we are moving from fear to love. Keep being loving and understanding toward yourself, because that is what helps you see that you are living in a friendly universe. Sending you so much love. Until next time.

For free masterclass : Click here People-pleasing isn't a habit you can simply decide to quit. It's your nervous system running a survival program that was wired in long before you ever had a say in it. And the moment you understand that, everything starts to shift, because you finally stop fighting the wrong thing. In this episode I walk you through the six faces this survival response wears, the disguises your nervous system learned to put on to keep you safe. You'll almost certainly recognise yourself in more than one, and maybe in all of them. Then I show you what's actually happening in your brain when you live this way, why every wisdom tradition on earth points to the same way back, and the one small practice that starts to bring you home to yourself. The six faces: The Perfectionist. The Peacekeeper. The Caretaker. The Performer. The Chameleon. And the Lone Wolf, the one almost nobody even calls people-pleasing. In this episode: Why "set boundaries, stop caring, just love yourself" never actually worksWhat people-pleasing really is, the fawn response, and why these patterns are blends, not boxesWhat chronic people-pleasing does to your brain, and how safety brings your thinking back onlineWhy losing connection to yourself quietly costs you in every area of your lifeHow presence brings you home, and the simple daily practice that starts it Key takeaways: People-pleasing is not a character flaw or a willpower problem. It's the fawn response, a survival reaction named by therapist Pete Walker.It shows up in six forms: the Perfectionist, the Peacekeeper, the Caretaker, the Performer, the Chameleon, and the Lone Wolf. Most people are a blend of several.Chronic people-pleasing keeps the brain in a low-grade threat state, which reduces access to the prefrontal cortex, the part you think and decide with.Reconnecting to yourself is a trainable act of attention called interoception, not a vibe or a mood.Losing touch with your own needs measurably lowers self-esteem and wellbeing, shown in Jennifer Campbell's research on self-concept clarity.The way back is presence, the same answer every major wisdom tradition arrived at independently. FAQ: Q: What is the fawn response? A: The fawn response is a survival reaction in which you keep yourself safe by keeping other people happy. Therapist Pete Walker named it as a fourth response alongside fight, flight, and freeze, and it's the pattern underneath chronic people-pleasing. Q: What are the six types of people-pleaser? A: The Perfectionist, the Peacekeeper, the Caretaker, the Performer, the Chameleon, and the Lone Wolf. They're not rigid boxes. Most people are a blend, and they all share one root, a lost connection to yourself. Q: Is people-pleasing a trauma response? A: Often, yes. People-pleasing frequently develops early as a way to stay safe in an unpredictable or high-conflict environment, which is why willpower alone rarely changes it. Q: How do you actually stop people-pleasing? A: Not by forcing more boundaries, but by rebuilding your connection to yourself through presence. A simple start is to pause three times a day and ask your body one question, what is true for me here, before you answer for anyone else. Mentioned in this episode: Pete Walker, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (the fawn response)Meg Josephson, LCSW, Are You Mad at Me? (the six types)Amy Arnsten, Yale (stress and the prefrontal cortex)Bud Craig (interoception and the insula)Jennifer Campbell (self-concept clarity)The wisdom traditions: the Upanishads, Buddhist buddha-nature, Marcus Aurelius, Psalm 46, the Qur'an, Rumi, and Emerson Further reading on interoception: Sarah Garfinkel and Hugo Critchley (interoceptive accuracy and emotion)Lisa Feldman Barrett (interoception and the constructed sense of self) Ready to come home to yourself? I've created a free masterclass that walks you through the steps. Watch it here: https://www.amenkaur.com/masterclass Starting Over, Being You with Dr Amen Kaur bridges neuroscience and grounded spirituality for women rebuilding their sense of self. New episodes weekly. people pleasing, people pleaser, how to stop people pleasing, fawn response, fawn trauma response, nervous system, nervous system regulation, survival mode, boundaries, self-abandonment, perfectionism, caretaker, codependency, presence, self-connection, interoception, anxiety, self-worth, Meg Josephson, Pete Walker