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Forgiveness, to forgive. Why is it so hard to do? Is it that we think we are condoning the person's behavior if we forgive the person? What do we gain by not forgiving? What do we lose by not forgiving? We lose a great deal when we hang on to resentments. Science shows it's bad for our health- physical and mental. In this episode of Precarious, I explore forgiveness: its definition and and give an example of "how to" forgive. Why this topic? As I get closer to dying, society gives the message that part of gettting my affairs in order is to ask for forgiveness as well as forgive others. PS - I turn 57 on July 28th. I didn't think I'd live this long once I was diagnosed with cancer back in 2013. Life if full of surprises.

What is Awe? When is the last time you experienced it? Even I questioned whether it is considered an emotion? It is an emotion that absolutely can improve our quality of life. Yet, it takes paying attention and being open to it. In this episode of Precarious, I reference Dacher Keltner's book, AWE. The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life. He outlines 8 sources of AWE and how we can access this beautiful emotion. As my life comes to an end, I have experienced more moments of AWE than I have in my life time. It's not too late to expreince more AWE in your life right now.

Susie Steiner, a writer for the Guardian, published an article about a nurse who documented the top regrets of the dying. She wrtites, "Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom." I would love to hear from you. Join the conversation. If you were to die soon, would you have any of these regrets? Do you currently have any of these regrets? email me: [email protected]

It can be lonely in the podcast land. I'll admit that having a one-way conversation has its advantages. And, facing my mortality can be lonely at times. So, I've decided to invite you into the conversation. In this short episode, I pose a number of questions about life and death and living and dying. I realize this can be a difficult topic, so be gentle with yourself if you feel uncomfortable. Email your responses to: [email protected] I look forward to hearing from you.

The chidren's book, The Velveteen Rabbit, was first published just over 100 years ago. The book is packed with life lessons or least encurages the reader to go inward and explore what it means to be REAL in this world that rewards us for being something we are not. I'm finding that illness and eventual death is a beautiful pathway to becoming real. In this episode of the podcast, I explore this connection. When you are stripped of your armour, you are left naked and vulnerable. The Skin Horse explains this process of becoming REAL to the Velveteen Rabbit. I see the parallel process in living in a body that is growing weak and moving closer to death. What might seem scary (and it is at times), is actualy a beautiful evolution of becoming through love.

I've struggled for a long time attaching my value to my health. This struggle has been amplified these past 9 + years since I was diagnosed with cancer. The emotion that comes up strongly is shame. Shame and guilt are cousins in the emotional world. Guilt means "I did something wrong" while Shame means "I am wrong". How many of us carry this message? I'd be curious to know. I unpack some of my thoughts about this concept. Friendship can be protective shield against adopting the shame indentity. I'm not talking about the number of friends you have. It truly comes down to the quality of these relationships. There are all types of friendships which meet a varity of our needs. I explore the types of friendships that help us witness who we really are in this world and how this can help us guard against adlopting the messages that our culture dishes out which is so painful and damaging when you are living with a chronic illness or injury.

I've been receiving a newly FDA-approved drug since December. My hope has been to give my body the chance to see if the disease responds to treatment in order to improve my quality of life. As it turns out, this treatment has been very difficut for me to tolerate. It's brought into question so much for me. Every day I wake up feeling grateful to be alive. Everyday I look for the beauty. In this episode of the podcast, I share a story of a beautifull moment I had with one of my nurses as I was receiving supportive care on a very difficult day. These moments fill my heart. We landed on that in the end, "kindness matters". In the last half of the episode, I'm excited to announce a new project. It's called the Precarious Project. It's a companion to the podcast and an invitation to share how life's precarious moments have impacted you. You can find details on the website: www.theprecariousproject.com The goal is to create community around life's precarious nature.

Every wonder what its like to work in cancer care? As a nurse? How it affects that individual? How it changes her/him? I do. You'd think I'd have those questions answered living with cancer for almost 10 years. Nope. All of my heath care providers show up professionally with appropriate boundaries. Sitting down with Monica, one of my oncology nurses, and having the opportunity to ask her all of these questions was eye-opening. You will love her honesty and transparency. She brings her humanness with her. I left the conversation feeling like I was in the presence of one of the purest forms of love and it was contagious.

I have decided to come clean and let you in on how my path towards death has evolved. I admit, I was purposely not disclosing some information. And, in this episode I lay the foundation for my rationale - or at least I explore my rationale. I'm at a crossroads. And, yes, I return to the concept of suffering becasue it's one of my measuring sticks. I ask all of us to visit our relationship with it: what does it mean to you? How do you mange it? Do you try to avoid it? Embrace it? Someplace in the middle? Suffering doesn't necessarily mean "bad". If not, then how do we live with it has humans? Join me in this BONUS episode. I am sharing my precarious life decisions in real-time. If that's not an act of vulnerability, I don't know what is.

Here's another BONUS episode of the Precarious podcast. I'm tossing these out there as I feel moved to share with you an "audio journal" version of my experiences living and dying. I guess you could say I'm letting you in to my inner workings as I travel down this path. These audio journals are not meant to replace the original Precarious podcast format. I do plan to interview guests as long as I am feelng well enough and can recruit guests to interview. In this episode, I share my reactions to a Mary Oliver Essay titled "the Bird". This is a magical story at every level: the original story she wrote, my story, the serendipity of the intersection of these stories. Boundless beauty wrapped in hope.

In this episode of BONUS EPISODE of Precarious, I share my experiences about how my not knowing how much time I have left to live has beautfully transformed my relationship with time for the better. I have a different relationship with time. Cancer has made that clear to me. Have you thought about your relationship with time? How do you view time? Do you chase it? Lose it? Wish you had more of it? Wish you were better at mastering it? Listen to the language we use around the concept of time and you realize that we have made time a commodity. There are entire industries based on helping you learn skills to better use your time. Only humans would take time and make it a business venture. We have sadly veered off course.