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Every marriage experiences stress. It can come from work, family, friends, and even finances. Couples may suffer from stress over a conflict or a difficult period in their marriage- arguments, differences, or feeling neglected.  While we already know how stress affects us mentally and physically, Stress can negatively impact relationships. Although stress is part of the human experience, it can be harmful for relationships. What happens to many of us is that we bottle it up or keep the stress to ourselves, which makes it difficult for our partners to understand what we are going through and to provide support. Pulling into yourself and trying to manage it alone erects a barrier to emotional intimacy Being stressed and taking it out on a partner, is another way it can negatively impact the relationship. You know when you are totally stressed out and your spouse says something that just hits a nerve that isn’t always so raw? And it can be such an innocuous thing.  I know that when I feel really stressed and my husband comes to me with what I think is just not as important as the stressful thing in my life, I can be downright snippy. It isn’t about your partner, but about you. You are reacting out of a stressed place.  Not dealing with stress can impact relationships when couples “catch” each other’s stress. When our partners are stressed, we become stressed. Stress can breed stress in a marriage. We feed on one another’s stress.  Think back to an argument that escalated quickly. You might have “caught” one another’s stress during the argument, which made you both feel even more frazzled and made you say things you wouldn’t have otherwise said. Couples get stuck in this negative cycle and may be too stressed to deal with the underlying issue(s). So, how do you keep your stress from putting an unnecessary burden on your marriage?  Stress inside and outside of the marriage must be effectively managed with a few simple coping strategies. In this episode, I'll share with you 6 ways. You can find the complete transcript at http://reviveyourmidlfemarriage.com/89

I'm so excited to share my interview with Andrea Balboni.  Andrea is a certified Sex, Love and Relationships Coach.  She helps couples experience deeper connection in their relationship and greater fulfillment and pleasure in their intimate lives, whether they've been together for a long time or are new in love.  We will focus on sexual intimacy today, a key component of an intimate relationship.  Topics will include Exceptional loveSexual chemistryTapping into your own sensualitySacred sexTips to develop sexual intimacy by creating space and valuing pleasure.Join me for this powerful episode.

Listen to this definition of discouragement: "Discouragement is dissatisfaction with the past, distaste for the present, and distrust for the future." That hit the mark for me because that is precisely what the discouragement in my marriage felt like. And it is a feeling many couples go through as they work on their marriage. A husband and wife can begin improving their marriage, taking steps to work things out, and still get discouraged. I see this all the time. I heard someone say the other day, "I just don't know if it's worth it." That's discouragement in a nutshell. In other words, the pain is too much.  When my clients get discouraged, I understand it. Yes, they all show up discouraged, but no one expects to get discouraged as they take steps forward. But it happens, and it is natural.  Let me tell you part of my personal experience seeking professional help for my marriage. After our first session, we were so angry we drove home in silence and remained that way for the rest of the evening. After a repeat of it at the second session, we decided it was better to go separately in the future.   It felt like the more we plowed the ground of our marriage, the angrier we got. Ironically, do you know, we rarely fought in my marriage? We both bottled everything up. So, in counseling, we dug all that stuff up. So many times, we were both discouraged and frustrated.  We were learning new ways to build our communication and connection. We were learning to be vulnerable with our feelings. And then, we'd fall back into old patterns. Discouragement would whisper, "It will always be this way. It is never going to get better. You'll always be unhappy" So many times, I thought the pain wasn't worth it. Progress was so slow. I wanted it all better now! Looking back, I wish I'd known what I know now. It would have made the times of discouragement easier. But, that experience has taught me how to help my clients through discouragement.  In this episode, I'll give you 6 ways to manage your discouragement.  For a complete transcript, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/87

Today we will talk about what fear of Intimacy is, where it comes from, and steps to overcome it for a deeper connection.  You'll find show notes at reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/86 Fear of Intimacy is often a subconscious fear of closeness that frequently affects people's relationships. This fear of intimacy appears in people's closest and most meaningful relationships. According to Psychalive.org, psychology for everyday life, "Even though the fear of Intimacy is a largely unconscious process, we can still observe how it affects our behavior. When we push our partners away emotionally or retreat from their affection, we act on this fear of Intimacy. These distancing behaviors may reduce our anxiety about being too close to someone, but they come at a significant cost. Acting on our fears preserves our negative self-image and keeps us from experiencing the great pleasure and joy that love can bring." You can be married for a long time and still fear Intimacy preventing you from having a deep connection. My husband and I have struggled with the fear of Intimacy for most of our marriage. It wasn't until we sought help five years ago that we realized we had this fear.  Let me share with you how to work through it.  A complete transcript  of this episode can be found at http://reviveyourmidifemarriage.com/86

Here are some typical defensive responses to some legitimate  complaints. “I felt like you were making fun of me at dinner with our friends tonight. I was embarrassed.” “Don’t be so sensitive I wasn’t making fun of you. Everyone thought it was funny. You’ve made jokes about me at dinner before. I don’t know what the big deal is. Nobody thinks less of you.”  “I need more help around the house. I feel so overwhelmed with so many things to do.” “Oh, and I don’t? I’m just as busy as you are. I never do anything, right do I? I do a whole lot more than most  spouses.” “You made decisions without talking to me about it first. Don’t I have a say?” “So, I have to get permission to do anything now? It’s no big deal. You don’t talk to me about every decision that you make.”  The response of defensiveness is the result of anticipating or perceiving a threat. When we try to counter or deny criticisms in areas, we feel sensitive. It is a way of emotionally protecting ourselves. We are defensive when we think our values, identity, or worth are questioned. Our brain goes into fight or flight mode when we think we might be in trouble. We perceive an attack, whether there is one or not. Defensiveness may come across as being difficult, but it usually is just a self-protective response. Our natural impulse is to defend ourselves against the threat posed by being challenged on an issue.  Usually, one party acts defensively, and the other party responds defensively. Then there is a defensive volley back and forth. And nothing gets resolved. Defensiveness becomes a roadblock.  Instead of the issue being the issue, it gets mired down in who is right and who is wrong. It undermines our ability to identify a problem and act to solve it.  So, let’s talk about what causes some of our defensive behaviors. They can be complicated. Our behavior patterns come from emotional, mental, or personality issues or habits developed over our lives. Low self-esteem, narcissism, feelings of abandonment, or trauma that has left you hyper-vigilant to any perceived threat can be hallmarks of defensive behaviors. You may have seen the volley of defensiveness played out in your home, and it might be all you know. None of these are excuses, but understanding what is behind what we do is vital to changing negative behavior patterns.  The Gottman Institute calls defensiveness one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that predicts the end of relationships. Whether the accusation is fair or not, defensiveness shifts the blame and doesn’t find a solution to the issue. Consequently, conflicts don’t get resolved.  Join me as I discuss dealing with what is behind your own defensiveness as well as the best way to bring up a conflict to keep from getting a defensive response.  Complete transcript of the podcast can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/85

When you look back on your life, the experiences that have the most lasting impact on your life are the meaningful moments spent with those you love. While the details of each moment may be different, they all have one thing in common. There is a connection at the moment. It is the equivalent of emotionally holding hands if you will—a turning toward each other.  I asked 3 close friends to tell me what constitutes meaningful time together. The first one felt connected when they took time away from work and went away together. Most of us can agree we feel more connected with our spouses when we get away. That friend also found a connection in choosing shows to share in the evenings. Specific details of the show became part of their daily language bringing typical humor into the relationship. The second friend felt time to connect without phones, movies, and tv was important. She enjoyed the lack of distractions where they could have intimate conversations. Sitting on the back patio after work, sharing a drink, enjoying the scenery, and watching their dogs play together. Riding their side by side through the desert. The third friend felt that physical touch and affection made their time together more meaningful. He and his wife stay connected all day through texts. So, they are creating significant moments throughout the day. And All three said spending time with other couples was meaningful to the relationship. One friend said they like to see their spouse interact with the groups of friends because they enjoy seeing that side of them.  Notice that each person had different ideas, but they had one thing in common—a desire for meaningful connection. What you do in your time together is not as important as the ability to connect at the moment.  The problem is when couples think the only way to connect is on a big date or a big trip together. There has to be an event. I assert that if you aren't having little moments of meaningful time to connect in the day-to-day, the connection on a date or a trip together may not bring the connection you expect. The little connections build over time and fuel those times that are "special events."  Suppose the connection is only sought on fancy, romantic dates or getaways. What about a couple who struggles financially and can't travel, go on fancy dates, or buy each other expensive gifts? Are they prevented from spending meaningful time with their spouse? Heck no! The amount of money spent or the extravagance of the event has no bearing on meaningful time together. In fact, there are more opportunities than you can imagine having meaningful time together. Unfortunately, if we aren't careful, we miss them.  Having meaningful time with your spouse doesn't cost a dime, but it will cost you time and intention, but it is well worth the effort.  For a complete transcript, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/84

You might be thinking nothing comes before my children!  Hey, I get it.  Let's face it, most of us  would give up an arm if our kids needed it, right?   But there is danger is making your children more important than your marriage.   And if you, like my husband and I, spent your time putting your kids before your marriage for most of their lives, the habit might be even harder to break as they get older.  One of the major breakdowns in intimacy is putting your marriage secondary to your kids. They grow up and your stuck in bad habits and so are your kids.  Your marriage is the foundation of your family.  When there are cracks in the foundation of your marriage, your kids, nearly grown or grown, will know it.  They may worry. They may take advantage of your misplaced priorities in stead of taking responsibility for themselves. And they might perpetuate this dynamic in their own families, following your example.  We put our kids first over our marriages in a mirad of ways and many we aren't even aware of.   In this episode, I'm give you some tell-tale signs you might be letting your kids take precedence over your marriage. You might be surprised at some of them.  Then I'll give you  4 steps to turn this around.  Complete show notes can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/83

You'd be surprised how much of our behavior is fear based. And behind that fear is the fear of vulnerability.  In this episode I'm going to be talking about 3 fears that thwart intimacy. The fear of sharing our true selves by being truly authentic, the fear of conflict, and the fear of talking about sex.  I'll talk about the fear behind these and give you 5 ways to face the fear and overcome it for greater intimacy.  You'll find complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/82

There is a difference between social drinking and alcohol abuse.  And there are varying degrees of alcohol abuse. If you've been questioning your relationship with alcohol or if you've questioned your spouse's, Kari will share her story, how it affected her marriage, and hope for moving out of the gray areas of your life. A complete transcript can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/81

I love a real love story between two imperfect people and that is what you are going to hear in this episode. Juli and Dave Gold are experiencing what they call a "love unimaginable." Has it been easy? NO! This is their second marriage and they met in midlife. They brought with them old wounds and kids into the mix which made things challenging.  They will be sharing their story and practices with us so we too can enjoy a love unimaginable in our own marriages. 

Most people are blindsided when it comes to their spouse’s affair. Few expect a spouse would betray them in such a devastating way. Let’s face it, don’t we all demonize those who cheat? We certainly don’t think we have married a spouse that could be so morally reprehensible, right?  Even the spouse that cheats is often shocked it happens. Because we equate faithfulness with morality, shame and guilt coincide with danger and excitement. Here are some statistics I found, and many statistics on infidelity differ. However, every statistic has infidelity in marriage at an alarmingly high rate.  On many websites, they claim that about 25 percent of marriages see at least one incident of infidelity.  According to an estimate from the journal of Marriage and Divorce, they say “70% of married Americans cheat at least once in their marriage.” That is an alarming statistic.  The General Social Survey states that “20 % of men cheat compared to 13% of women.” Overall, men cheat more, but women who cheat have risen because more women have entered the workforce. 33.3% of men and 28.6% of women have affairs with a coworker. It is the 2nd highest place that affairs take place. First is affairs with friends that the couple knew.  And most interesting of all, more middle-aged people cheat overall, and men report the highest level of cheating in their 70s. Women report the highest rates of infidelity in their 60s, with 16% of 60- to 69-year-olds reporting to have had sex outside of marriage.  Consider how many couples don’t report affairs to research groups in all of these statistics. Unless you are asked by a survey, who goes on record? Kinda scary, right? With these statistics on infidelity in marriage, you would think that there would be a concerted effort to prevent this before it is even an option.  Infidelity is one of the most common reasons for divorce. The idea that “this could never happen to me” is how we lie to ourselves about the real potential for infidelity. Just consider the numbers. But I want to tell you something. I find couples that survive infidelity and move beyond it agree that the marriage already had major cracks before the affair. Once they repaired those cracks, the marriage was even better than before.   So, here are 10 ways to fortify your relationship against infidelity. For complete show notes, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/79

Did you have power struggles when you first got together with your spouse? I don't remember having any. There was a give and take. The focus was on what is best for "us." Sometimes we even acquiesced initially, giving our power away because we just wanted to please our partners.  Fast forward some years later,  couples often begin to feel their independence kick back in after they've been married a while.   While they are one unit, they are still very different individuals with differing behaviors, convictions, expectations, and perspectives. After the "lust" has died down, these differences can cause a power struggle.  When one takes full or even partial control without considering their spouse, this causes a power imbalance. And it happens most often between two strong personalities.  A power imbalance is an unequal distribution of control and power between two partners.  You might have power struggles over things like money, sex, where to spend a vacation, who does what around the house, how it is done. My husband has had power struggles over decorating the home, finances, and children, even getting animals. I'm an animal lover, he not as much.  This imbalance in a relationship is not healthy for a marriage because it puts a wall up. When your spouse overrules you, you feel disrespected, not heard. It kills intimacy. When one partner holds power in the relationship, there will be anger and resentment for the powerless partner, which will cause a wedge that threatens the intimacy in the relationship.  While we are individuals, we no longer are on our own once we are married. We have someone else to consider in every area of our lives. It is part of the marriage pact.  In this episode, I'll be covering what an imbalance of power is, how it affects the relationship, what sharing power looks like, and 7 ways to restore the power balance in the marriage.