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Letting go of your kids is a skill, and nobody teaches it to you. When they’re small, their survival is your job, so you learn to watch everything, manage everything and fix everything. Then they grow up, the job changes slowly, and your brain keeps doing the old one anyway. In this episode I talk about why your teenagers and adult children take up so much space in your head, and what to do about it. Seven women told me this week that their relationship with their adult kids is the heaviest thing on their mind. I walk through the two things that have to happen at the same time: learning to let go of what they do and how they do it, and learning to grieve the role you’re losing. I also talk about why the overthinking is really just fighting the feeling, and why unconditional love is a renewable resource with no downside, even when you’re holding a boundary. I have a 19-year-old and a 16-year-old, so this isn’t theory for me. I still remember bringing my first baby home and realizing there was no quitting this job. My kid was up at the crack of dawn, so I was up at the crack of dawn, even after feeding him all night. Becoming a mom is what cracked me wide open and sent me looking for a different way to deal with my emotions. Learning to let go of that role has been just as big as taking it on. Key Takeaways: Letting go is a skill you build, not something you should already know how to do. You grieve the role you had with your kids, and that grief is yours to feel, not theirs to fix. Overthinking is your brain fighting a feeling it doesn’t want to feel. Your kids are not a reflection of you. They’re their own people with their own brains. What you think and the energy you bring matter more than what you say. Unconditional love doesn’t mean letting anyone walk all over you. If this one hit home, come to my free class, Stop Overthinking. I run it every week and show you exactly how to stop the replaying. And if you want to talk about what’s going on with your own kids, book a free discovery call with me. We’ll look at your situation, put a plan together, and see if coaching is the right fit. Links referenced in this episode: https://amandahess.ca/overthink https://amandahess.ca/bookacall

If you’re an overthinker, you’ve probably been told to calm down, think more positively, or learn to meditate. I don’t think that’s what’s missing. Your brain is a workhorse. It wants to work, and if you don’t give it something to do, it’s going to go find problems. And it will always find them. In this episode I talk about why your survival brain goes looking for danger when there isn’t any real danger in your day-to-day life, and how it ends up locking onto the dirty look, the text your kids didn’t answer, the thing you said 20 years ago, and every what-if about the future. I talk about why taking everything off your plate isn’t the answer, and the counterintuitive approach I use with my clients instead: giving your brain a hard job to do that has nothing to do with anything. I also share a conversation I had with my husband about the fact that some people don’t have a voice in their head. He doesn’t. He was shocked to find out that some of us have a narrator running all day long. And I talk about why I lift heavy, why I figure skate as an adult, and why I’m learning to play the guitar this fall. Key Takeaways: Your brain is built to look for danger, and when it can’t find real danger, it creates problems to solve. There is no version of taking everything off your plate. The complexity in your life is also the richness of your life. Seeing more bad news doesn’t mean the world is more dangerous. It means your input has gone up. You don’t need to think the right thing. You need to give your brain a better job to do. A hard job that has nothing to do with your kids, your husband, or your work lets your brain put everything else down for a while. When your brain gets that rest, you’re more regulated and you have more logic available to deal with the real problem. I’m teaching a live class every week called Stop Overthinking, where I walk you through this along with every other piece of the process for stopping that anxious looping. Go to amandahess.ca/overthink to register. Come live if you can, you’ll get the most out of it. If you can’t, you’ll get the recording. And this week, pick one hard thing that has nothing to do with anything, and go do it. Links referenced in this episode: https://amandahess.ca/overthink

A few weeks ago I got a no. I applied for something I really wanted, something that would have been a big deal for me and my business, and I didn't get picked. I'm not going to tell you what it was because it doesn't matter. What matters is what happened in the 4 seconds after I read the email, when my brain was off and running with every reason I wasn't good enough and every argument for making myself smaller so it would never happen again. That moment is what this episode is about. Not the no. What you do with the feeling that shows up right after it. In this episode I talk about the lie we've all been told, that emotions are something you can control, and what to do instead. I walk you through the reframe that landed for me driving in my car: your emotions are employees you don't get to fire. They show up to every meeting whether you hired them or not. You're their boss, but being the boss has never meant getting rid of them. It means respecting them, knowing them by name, understanding where they're coming from and what they feel like in your body, and then deciding what you're going to do with what they're offering. I also talk about why your capacity for this will be lower when life is hard, and what being a good boss to your emotions actually requires of you. I use figure skating to show you how this works in real time, because I just competed less than a month ago and the adrenaline dumped into my body exactly the way it always does. Fear showed up and told me to run. I didn't argue with her and I didn't pretend she wasn't there. I said, of course you're here, let's go, and I used that energy for my jumps. Shaky arms, shaky legs, brain trying to devolve, and me in the middle of it going, no baby, dig in, where's the music, what's next. That's what being the boss looks like. It's the same thing my clients go through when they're dating and terrified of liking someone who won't like them back. Same emotion, same body, same job. Key Takeaways: You don't control your emotions. Nobody does. Every plan that starts with "I just need to stop feeling this" fails, and then you make the failure mean something about you. Your emotions are employees you can't fire. They're always on the team. Being the boss means leading them, not getting rid of them. Respect comes first, and respect means acknowledgement. You can't acknowledge a feeling you can't name, so get an emotions wheel and move past "anxious, sad, mad." Understand where it comes from (the thought or belief underneath) and what it feels like in your body. You can't lead someone you don't understand. Then decide. Is what this feeling is offering what we're going to use, in the way it's offered? If not, how are we going to redirect it? Fear becomes fuel. You go anyway. Being a good boss to your emotions means sleep, regulation, things that ground you, and getting support where you need it. Your capacity will be lower when life is hard, and nothing is going wrong when it is. If you're exhausted from overthinking and stress, come to my free weekly class. I'll teach you this concept and several others so you can start feeling at home in your own brain. Sign up at amandahess.ca/overthink. And come find me on Instagram at theamandahess and message me what you took away from this one. I'd love to answer your questions. Links referenced in this episode: https://amandahess.ca/overthink https://www.instagram.com/theamandahess

Bittersweet is the feeling of saying hello and goodbye at the same time, and if you're resisting it, you're in a lot more pain than you need to be. In this episode I talk about the seasonal change we're in right now, both the one happening outside your window and the one happening in your life. Kids leaving home, parents aging, friendships shifting, chapters closing before the next one has really started. I see it in my clients in their 20s who are anxious to make spring happen faster, and I see it in my clients in their 70s who have bigger things landing on their doorstep every year. Fall is the season that unsettles people the most, and I break down why, plus the two things you actually need in place to let that emotion move through you instead of running from it: a nervous system that's regulated enough to feel safe feeling, and the skill of letting an emotion through. I also get into the difference between distracting and grounding, because the activity can look exactly the same and the intention changes everything. I recorded this one a few weeks after driving to my skating competition with the low October sun coming through the window and the leaves starting to turn, and it hit me right in the chest. My mom passed away in August years ago, and that first fall without Sunday dinners at her house is still in my body every October. This is also the season my friend is in right now with one kid in university and one in grade 12, feeling anxious and depressed at the same time and wondering what's wrong with her. Nothing is wrong with her. That's bittersweet, and you can learn to hold it. Key Takeaways: Bittersweet is one of the most painful emotions to resist because resisting it means resisting what's really happening. You are not wallowing. You're struggling with how to process an emotion nobody ever taught you to process. Distracting and grounding can look like the exact same activity. The intention is what makes it one or the other. Growing your capacity for emotion is not optional as you get older. Bigger life things show up, and you need to be able to hold them. Once you know how to let an emotion through, it's just reps. But learning the skill is hard to do alone. Emotional confidence around things ending is what lets you relax into a fall season knowing spring is coming. If this is landing for you, book a discovery call with me. Learning the difference between distracting and grounding, and feeling safe while an emotion is moving through you, is exactly what I teach, and it is so much easier with someone doing it alongside you. Links referenced in this episode: The Creative Act: A Way of Being by Rick Rubin Book a free discovery call: amandahess.ca/bookacall

The main point: a lot of us are essentially “cold-blooded” — meaning neurodivergent, ADHD-leaning, or simply sensory-sensitive — and our capacity to function hinges on the micro-environmental inputs we can control, so the real leverage is finding and installing your own “warm rocks.” I say this as someone who’s both lived it and coaches people through it: treating this as a physiological truth (think autonomic nervous system reactivity, interoceptive sensitivity, and increased allostatic load) reframes failures of willpower into predictable consequences of mismatched context and depleted executive function. Practically, that looks like environmental scaffolding and co-regulation strategies — noise-cancelling headphones, private rooms, scheduled solo sabbaticals, coaching that actually speaks our language — which reduce cognitive load, stabilize arousal regulation, and free up prefrontal resources for creativity and problem-solving. We unpack why school and many workplaces are “warm-blooded systems” expecting self-regulation, why that mismatch produces chronic survival mode for cold-blooded folks, and how compassionate, tailored interventions (behavioral scaffolds, rhythm-based routines, and targeted supports) create reproducible capacity. I also argue that coach–client pairing matters: a warm-blooded coach pushing platitudes won’t help a cold-blooded person, whereas a coach versed in neurodiversity and sensory modulation can provision the right hot-rock architecture. So, here’s my ask in jargon and plain English: identify one or two warm rocks this week, implement them (external supports + boundary engineering), and test the hypothesis that your environment, not your moral failing, is the variable you can change to feel better and do more. Some of us are warm-blooded and some of us are cold-blooded, and if you're cold-blooded, your surroundings decide a lot more about how you function than you've been told. In this episode I talk about a conversation I had with my colleague and friend Elena that shifted something big for me. She shared the idea that people with ADHD are often "cold-blooded." Like a lizard, they don't regulate their own temperature, so their environment plays a huge role in how well they can think, create, cope, and feel okay. Warm-blooded people can move through a messy house, no sleep, a loud room, and a packed social event and still get on with their day. Cold-blooded people can't, and most of us were raised in a warm-blooded world that expected us to act warm-blooded anyway. I also share what this looked like for me at a recent international figure skating competition, why I couldn't create the way I wanted to while I was there, and the "warm rocks" I've learned to put in place for myself, like alone time as an introvert and being coached by people who understand how I tick. When you know you're cold-blooded, you can stop judging yourself for struggling and start giving yourself what you need. Key Takeaways: Cold-blooded people are deeply affected by their environment, and that's not something you chose Most sensitive people, neurodivergent people, and a lot of women are more cold-blooded than we realize Pushing through a cold environment while pretending you're warm drains a huge amount of energy Warm rocks are the external supports that make the hard things easier: your space, your structure, your support, your alone time Look at where you're struggling and ask what warm rock would make it simpler Pick one or two warm rocks, put them in your week, and see what happens If you want help figuring out where your warm rocks need to be and what they could look like, book a discovery call. We'll look at where you're struggling, what support you need in place, and how to structure it so it works for the way you're wired. You are not the only one. I promise you that. Links referenced in this episode: https://amandahess.ca/bookacall Takeaways: I reframed my struggles through an ADHD “cold-blooded” metaphor — using thermoregulatory language and autonomic nervous system concepts to explain how environmental affordances and sensory gating impact executive functioning and creative capacity, which gives me permission to stop pathologizing myself.We need to identify our “warm rocks” — concrete environmental and structural scaffolds that reduce allostatic load and optimize our cognitive bandwidth for sustained task performance.I noticed that trying to perform high-demand tasks in a cold environment depletes my capacity, so we prioritize situational modifications like solitude, noise-cancelling headphones, or scheduled coaching to enhance sustained attention and creative output.Because society expects warm-blooded norms, I argued for compassion and systemic accommodation: educational and workplace designs should integrate neurodiversity-informed ergonomics and predictable routines to prevent chronic regulatory overload.I confess I use coaching as a personal hot rock — it's targeted external scaffolding that recalibrates my inner homeostasis, reduces executive friction, and helps me translate aspirational goals into implementable micro-behaviors (no shame, just strategy).Practical action step: we pick one or two warm rocks this week — experiment with environmental tweaks, temporal structuring, or social boundaries, then monitor shifts in productivity, mood, and perceived capacity to see what actually increases our regulatory resilience. Links referenced in this episode: amandahess.ca/bookacall

I'm at an international adult figure skating competition this week, and it got me thinking about why we stop doing hard things — and what happens to us when we do. This episode is about doing the hard thing. Not the hard things that life hands you without asking — the sickness, the loss, the layoff, the breakup. I'm talking about the hard things you choose. The ones where your brain says "maybe I could do that" and then immediately talks you out of it. I tell you about getting a score of 11 when the skater before me got a 22, sitting in the kiss and cry trying to figure out what just happened, and why I skated away from that knowing I need to grow my capacity for embarrassment — not avoid it. I share the difference between tolerating embarrassment (grinning and bearing it, hoping it never happens again) and actually growing your capacity for it (feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing). I talk about why courage isn't a personality trait — it's a skill you build, and how you can be courageous in one area of your life and terrified in another. And I tell you about the skater who's brave enough to compete but scared to start her business, because that's exactly how it works. I also tell you why paying the entry fee is the easy part, why "what do I think I can do?" is the wrong question, and why fulfillment isn't something you find — it's something that arrives when you start doing things that scare you on purpose. Key Takeaways: Life hands you enough hard things you didn't choose. You need to add hard things you do choose — things that scare you, light you up, and make you think "f**k yeah, I did that." "What do I think I can do?" is the wrong question. It's the question that keeps you small, and it gets more tempting the older you get. You won't die from embarrassment. I know because I've been dead last by a lot, and I'm still here. You need to grow your capacity to feel embarrassed, not avoid it. Tolerating embarrassment is grinning and bearing it and hoping it never happens again. Growing your capacity is feeling it all the way through, having your own back, and moving on to the next thing. Courage isn't a personality trait. Nobody is naturally courageous. It's a skill, and once you know how to grow it, you can grow it anywhere, on demand. You can be courageous in one area and terrified in another. The skater who competes without flinching but is afraid to start her business? That's all of us. Fulfillment isn't something you find. It's something that arrives when you start doing hard things on purpose — growing your capacity for embarrassment and your ability to create courage. Book a call with me: If you listen to this and something in you goes "oh, that's me — I need that," I want to talk to you. It's a free discovery call, just you and me, and it is a courageous first step. It might be the first time you let yourself say out loud what you actually want. Book it here: amandahess.ca/bookacall I'm at my competition until Saturday and heading home Sunday, but I want to talk to you next week. Links referenced in this episode: amandahess.ca/bookacall

Something goes wrong and your very first thought is "what did I do?" An unexpected meeting lands on your calendar and you spend the whole week reviewing everything you might have messed up. Someone's in a bad mood and you're already scanning for how it was you. That reflex has a name, it's called internalized blame, and it is not the same thing as taking responsibility for your life. It's the thing that keeps you small, quiet, and convinced there's no solution because the problem is you. In this episode I'm joined by my mentor, my friend, and the reason I'm a coach at all, Maggie Reyes. Maggie is a feminist marriage coach and she's been part of my life since 2018. We talk about the difference between personal responsibility (which shows you where your choices are) and internalized blame (which just tells you something is wrong with you), why women get this messaging everywhere all the time, and what to do when you catch yourself blaming yourself for blaming yourself. Maggie shares the question she gives every client who does this, the pattern interrupt she gave a client whose thoughts felt like an assault, and the one thing she wants you to remember when you feel stuck in a job or a relationship past its expiry date. I told the "doing an Amanda" story again on this one, and Maggie told me what her mom used to say to her in Spanish. It turns out both of us grew up being ridiculed for things that were just our brains doing their thing. We also got a spider on my clock mid-recording and Maggie looked up what it means. Apparently it's personal power and being the author of your own life. I'll take it. Key Takeaways: Personal responsibility asks "what was my role in this?" and moves you forward. Internalized blame says "something must be wrong with me" and leaves you in shame with no way out. Being embarrassed that you fell down, bumped into something, or lost your balance is blaming yourself for being human. Humans fall. Humans bump into things. That's not going away. When in doubt, assume it wasn't you. Yes, it feels arrogant. Do it on purpose anyway, because the honest truth is most of the time it isn't you and you never even consider that. Ask "what else is also true?" You don't have to suddenly think amazing things about yourself. You just have to make room for the other nine things that are also true. When the thoughts come in like a rampage, don't fight them. "Thank you. I hear you. That may or may not be true." Say it as many times as you need to. Tug on the rope and the dog pulls harder. You have choices. Most of us stay in situations that hurt us because we get amnesia about that. "What are my choices here?" is the question that changes everything. Call to Action: Book a call with me: If you listened to this and heard yourself in it, if your first reaction to everything is "what did I do," I want to talk to you. It's a free call, just you and me on Zoom, and we'll figure out what's actually going on and what you want to do about it. You are not the only one. I promise you that. About Maggie Reyes: Maggie Reyes is a Master Certified Life Coach, feminist marriage coach, and mentor on a mission to help women find their power in all their relationships—starting with marriage. She works with high-achieving women whose marriages are loving, respectful, and quietly stuck, helping them create meaningful change without waiting for their partners to participate first. Maggie hosts The Marriage Life Coach Podcast (top 2% globally, 200+ episodes) and is the author of the bestselling Questions for Couples Journal. Her background in HR leadership in the cruise industry and at a multi-state law firm gives her a sharp read on power dynamics and high-stakes communication that translates directly into her coaching. Based in Miami, Maggie is a Cuban-American Filipina who brings a compassionate feminist lens to her work. She's currently obsessed with Heated Rivalry, and also loves Formula One and Bridgerton. Links Referenced: amandahess.ca/bookacall Maggie's website: https://maggiereyes.com/ Maggie on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themaggiereyes/ The Marriage Life Coach Podcast: https://maggiereyes.com/podcast Questions for Couples Journal: https://maggiereyes.com/

Somewhere along the way, you were taught there was something wrong with you. How you looked, how you spoke, how you were in the world. So you spent years trying to prove that wrong, and no matter how hard you worked at it, you kept coming up short. You don't feel like a hero. A lot of days, you feel like a loser. That's where this class starts, and it's why I called it The Anti-Hero. This episode is the replay of the live class I taught this week, and I did it differently than I ever have. No slides. Just me, a whiteboard, and the women who showed up. In it I walk you through why the voice in your head never shuts up (it's not what you think, and you can't think your way out of it), what emotions actually are and why you've been playing whack-a-mole with them, and why shame is always a liar. I teach you the 3 steps I use with every woman I coach, in the order they have to happen: regulate, allow, think on purpose. And I tell you about the girl in the Babysitters Club books who I was never going to be, and why Loki is the character I want you to think about instead. I also cried on this one. I didn't plan to. I was telling the story of the first time someone said to me "you were never the problem," and it caught me. I left it in, because that moment is the whole point of this class. Key Takeaways: The person you've been measuring yourself against was never real. No woman has ever been her, and you were handed her anyway. That voice in your head isn't keeping you honest. It's your nervous system stuck in survival, and you can't reason with a body in panic. Regulation isn't "calm down." It's pebbles on the other side of the teeter totter, small and daily, until the hard days don't tip you. You don't need to tolerate more emotion. You need to grow your capacity for it, the same way you'd build a bicep. Shame is a liar. It was trained into you, and anything that was trained in can be untrained. It's not "how do I do this." It's "who do I need to become." You're one belief away, not one strategy away. Book a call with me: If you listen to this and something in you goes "oh, that's me," I want to talk to you. It's a free call, just you and me on Zoom, and it might be the first time you've had someone completely on your side while you say the thing out loud. Book it here: amandahess.ca/bookacall You are not the only one. I promise you that. Links referenced in this episode: amandahess.ca/bookacall Watch the class on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po3p72xhYOE

Today I have my client Annabelle on the podcast, and I'm so glad she said yes. When Annabelle and I first started working together, she was sitting in the car with her husband in tears. They had just moved from Denver to Northwest Arkansas with a 4 year old and no family nearby, she had opened a business a few months earlier, and she was working 12, 13, 14 hours a day. Not sleeping. Not eating. Opening her laptop first thing in the morning and adding to her to do list at 2am. And still feeling behind. If you have ever thought "if I just work harder, I'll finally catch up," you are going to hear yourself in this conversation. A year later, Annabelle doesn't work evenings. She doesn't work weekends. She doesn't open her computer on a Sunday. She has time with her son that she's actually present for, and her business has grown, not shrunk. Her husband left his job to come work with her. We talk about what changed and how she did it. The 15 minute walk that sounded almost too simple to matter. Deciding when she stops working for the day, and then actually stopping. The guilt that came with both. Why her to do lists were making everything worse, and what she does instead now. How she stopped treating other people's emergencies like her own, and what it took to believe she was allowed to. And I want to say this clearly, because Annabelle owns a business and you might not: none of this is about business. This is about what happens when you're rushing, guilty, and behind in your own life, and nobody ever showed you another way to live it. In this episode: Why working harder keeps you feeling behind instead of caught upRegulating your nervous system in a way that actually feels good, not like another item on the listThe guilt loop: guilty at work, guilty at home, present nowhereBoundaries that hold, and the belief you need underneath themWhy perfect isn't available and what to aim for insteadLetting things off your plate without deciding you failed Annabelle designs beautiful custom closets at Up Closets of NW Arkansas. If you're in the area, go look her up. Find her here: https://upclosets.com/nw-arkansas/ You are not the only one. I promise you that. Takeaways: Working harder is not what gets you caught up. It's what keeps you feeling behind.Your nervous system comes first. Everything else you're trying to fix sits on top of it.A 15 minute walk sounds too small to matter, and it changed everything for Annabelle.If you don't plan it, you won't do it. That goes for rest as much as anything else.A boundary isn't something you ask other people to keep. It's something you decide and then hold.Nobody's emergency has to become your emergency.Perfect isn't available. Calm and honest is, and it works better anyway.Letting something off your plate is not failing. It's choosing where your time actually goes.You can have a full life and a growing business without burning yourself down to get it. Want to explore working with Amanda? https://amandahess.ca/bookacall

If punishing yourself worked, you'd have healed by now. That's a line I said in a class recently, and I can't stop coming back to it. Most of us have been taught that when we're not getting what we want in life, the fix is to punish ourselves. We just don't call it that. We call it "holding myself accountable," or "making sure I don't make the same mistake twice," or needing a system and a list and someone to keep us on track. It hides in all these reasonable-sounding places, and underneath it is the same quiet belief: that there's something about me I need to fix. In this episode I talk about where that belief comes from, how far back it goes, and why it was never yours to carry in the first place. I share how "making a mess" got baked into my identity as a kid, and how so many of us walk around with a version of that: the hot mess, the scattered one, the one who's bad with money or bad with love. And I get honest about what actually happens when we beat ourselves up for it. We shrink. We get smaller and less visible and less willing to go build the life we actually want. You can't make big waves with your wings when you've convinced yourself you're the size of a fly. I also tell you about throwing my hip out this week training for a figure skating competition, and the exact moment my brain tried to turn it into proof that I should have known better. Having your own back isn't something you master once. It's a practice you come back to, one moment at a time. Key Takeaways: If punishing yourself actually worked, you'd already be healed. You've tried it for years, and it keeps doing the opposite of what you hoped."Holding yourself accountable" is often self-punishment in disguise. It hides in the lists, the systems, and the "hot mess" identity we carry around.The stories about who you are (scattered, clumsy, bad with money, bad with love) were baked in during childhood. They were never the truth about you.Beating yourself up makes you shrink. You get smaller, less visible, and less able to create what you actually want.Radical acceptance of a messy life beats chasing a perfect one. Show me a person and I'll show you a messy life. Perfection is a setup, not a standard.Real change comes from learning to have your own back: regulating your nervous system, growing your capacity for big emotion, shifting your perspective, and setting boundaries, again and again over time. Come to my free class: I'm running a free class called The Anti-Hero on Monday, August 24th at 12:00 PM Pacific. It's all about shame, and about learning to have your own back in a way you've probably never heard before. Come find out what it feels like to stop being the woman who's always punishing herself, and imagine who you get to be on the other side of that. Save your seat: amandahess.ca/shame1 You are not the only one. I promise you that. Links referenced in this episode: amandahess.ca/shame1

Today we're talking about something I've wanted to make an episode about for a long time: infidelity. Specifically, the woman who cheats. If that's you, I already know you're carrying a crushing weight — the secrecy, the panic, the shame society piles on top. Because we've all been told that cheating is the ultimate, unforgivable relationship sin. But after years of coaching and hundreds of women, here's what I've come to believe: cheating is the symptom, not the start. It almost never shows up in a vibrant, healthy relationship. It shows up after years of what I call the invisible sins — chronic emotional neglect, stonewalling, contempt, weaponized incompetence, being starved of affection and visibility. The partner who looks great on paper while you slowly disappear inside your own home. This is a judgment-free zone. I'm not here to make excuses or decide who's right and who's wrong. I'm here to explore what was actually happening, what was missing, and how you move forward. So I ask the questions I ask in coaching. Before the affair ever started, what were you tolerating every day? Who did you get to be with someone else that you weren't allowed to be in your own relationship? Was it about the sex, or the feeling of being wanted and prioritized after years of feeling like furniture? Here's the part almost nobody says: the perpetual giving is what created the vacuum in the first place. You were never taught how to know what you want. You were taught to perform — be a good girl, look good, keep it all together — and then you woke up one day feeling nothing. That's not selfishness. That's what happens after a lifetime of being told your desire is dirty and your job is to keep everyone else okay. I don't do the shame-to-guilt thing you see all over the internet. Guilt is just as damaging as shame. And no — if you're listening to this, you are not a narcissist. What you need isn't more punishment. You've been holding yourself accountable every single day, or you wouldn't be here. What you need is to learn how to have your own back, how to move through the heavy feelings instead of shoving them down, and how to turn want and desire back on in every part of your life. When those things come online, everything else gets easier. You were never the problem. And you are not the only one. I promise you that. The free class: I'm teaching a class on all of this called The Anti-Hero — because you can be the hero of your own life even if nobody else sees it. Monday, August 24th at 12:00 PM Pacific, about an hour, completely free. Sign up at AmandaHess.ca/shame1 or through the link in the show notes. I'd love to see you there. Takeaways: Infidelity is often viewed as the ultimate sin, but let's be real: relationships can be super complicated and messy, with many hidden issues lurking beneath the surface.Cheating is more of a symptom than the root cause of relationship problems, highlighting the need for deeper self-awareness and understanding of personal desires.Many women don’t even know what they want due to societal pressures to perform and be ‘good,’ leaving them feeling empty and unfulfilled in their relationships.In the quest for happiness, it’s crucial to learn how to advocate for yourself and embrace your desires, rather than feeling guilty or ashamed for wanting more from life.Emotional neglect and invisible cruelties in relationships often lead to infidelity, as individuals seek validation and fulfillment outside their primary partnership.To truly move forward from any shame or guilt surrounding infidelity, it's essential to tackle those feelings head-on, developing a stronger sense of self and what you truly desire. Links referenced in this episode: amandahess.ca/Shame1

This episode is all about judgment: why we're so quick to hand out labels, and what happens when we stop. It started with a lightbulb moment at a family gathering that turned into a bit of a masterclass in how fast our brains reach for judgment over understanding. We're digging into why choosing to believe that everyone — yes, even the guy who just cut you off in traffic — is doing their best can genuinely change how you move through the world. When we trade judgment for empathy, we lighten our own emotional load and make room for better relationships, too. Grab your drink of choice and settle in — because understanding ourselves is the first step to understanding everyone else. Takeaways: In a world filled with judgment, understanding that everyone is doing their best can radically transform our personal interactions and emotional well-being.Our brains naturally categorize actions as good or bad, but breaking free from this binary thinking can lead to more compassionate relationships.Being a life coach means navigating through my own judgments while helping others; it's a continuous journey of self-discovery and empathy.When we approach difficult interactions with understanding rather than judgment, we create an environment where everyone can thrive, including ourselves. Links referenced in this episode: amandahest.ca/bookacallinstagram.com/theamandahess

Life is messy. Yours, mine, everyone's. And somewhere along the way we decided that was the problem. Something to clean up before we're allowed to be happy. It's not. I'm Amanda Hess, certified life coach, and this episode is about a trap I watch women live in for years. The "I'll be happy when." When the house is calm. When the hard thing is over. When I finally have it together. The messy and the hard don't come in a separate box from the beautiful and the fulfilling. Same box. Same life. It's 50/50, and that's not proof you're failing. That's just how it works. So we stop waiting for the mess to clear. We lean in. And then we do the part that actually shifts things. We stop obsessing over what we're doing wrong and we start looking at what we want. Where we're going. Because that's the question that matters, and it's the one most of us never get to. We're too busy grading ourselves. Takeaways: The mess isn't blocking the good life. It's part of it. Stop waiting for a cleaner version that was never coming."Once I clean this up, then I'll thrive" is the trap. The hard and the beautiful come together. Same life, same day, both at once.Life is 50/50. When you stop reading the hard half as proof you're behind, you can finally be where you actually are.Drop the idea of "normal." Chasing it keeps you measuring your life against a standard that doesn't exist.The move that changes everything: stop obsessing over what you're doing wrong and start building what feels right. What do you want? Where are you going? That matters more. Links referenced in this episode: amandahess.ca/bookacall

Summer isn’t always the sun-soaked paradise we imagine it to be, and today, we’re diving headfirst into the sticky, sometimes cringe-worthy world of summertime shame. It’s a unique flavor of shame that creeps up on us when we’re basking in the sun, and trust me, I’ve seen it pop up in all sorts of unexpected places. Whether it’s about how we look in a swimsuit or feeling like we should be doing more with our sunny days, this episode is all about unpacking that baggage. Together, we’ll explore why this shame is so prevalent and how it can drive our behaviors in ways that leave us feeling less-than-stellar. So, grab your favorite fruity drink, kick back, and let’s chat about how to recognize, confront, and ultimately embrace our summer selves without the guilt trip! Takeaways: Summer isn't just about sunshine and good vibes; it can also bring out some serious shame that we need to tackle head-on.Understanding our shame during summer activities helps us reclaim our joy and embrace our bodies just as they are, flaws and all.Shame often hides in the dark corners of our minds, but by bringing it into the light, we can explore and process it effectively.Shifting our perspective on beauty standards allows us to redefine what we find beautiful about ourselves, moving away from societal pressure. Links referenced in this episode: amandahess.ca/bookacall

Here's this episode: I'm going after the thing nobody wants to name. Everyone tells you the problem is that you don't love yourself enough. It's not. The problem is shame. That's it. That's the whole thing. Shame is what shows up the second you're anything less than perfect, and every single human on the planet has it — but women get handed a bigger pile of it. We're taught to feel shame about our bodies, our parenting, our work, the way we take up space in a room. So no, I'm not going to tell you to love yourself harder. I'm going to ask you to look at the shame first. I get into where it actually shows up — standing at a party feeling like you don't belong, swallowing what you were about to say in a meeting because some part of you decided it wasn't worth hearing. I tell you about my own. Because you can't love your way past something you won't look at. Self-love isn't a place you arrive at. It's what happens when you stop running from your shame and get to know it instead. That's how you get your power back. Takeaways: Self-love isn't about lacking shame; it's about embracing and navigating through it effectively.Shame is a universal experience; we all feel it, but it's how we handle it that matters.We're socialized to feel shame, especially as women, which can sabotage our self-worth and happiness.True self-love is an active, ongoing process, not just a one-time affirmation in front of a mirror. Links referenced in this episode: amandahess.ca/bookacall