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Garrett has a meeting. Billy Gunn makes some highly inappropriate comments. So does Barek! Neil is having a crisis. Callie and Jimmy call a truce. There’s a full-scale riot at Swan’s Soda Shop. Sydney’s hair is still enormous. Mila, a.k.a. Desirae Passion of Cruel Swans “fame,” immediately blows her disguise and gets grounded for life. An explosion rocks Swans Crossing; Neil is trapped under falling styrofoam.

We regret to inform you that Billy Gunn has arrived in Swans Crossing. Glory’s home safe, but tensions are running high: everyone’s getting sucker-punched straight in the face. Sydney’s hair is SO huge. Callie gets a New Wave glow-up. Nathan absolutely LOSES IT, and later, Libbie teaches him all about butt rock.

Guys, I don’t know what happened. A glitch in the matrix caused this episode to come out a whole week late. Sorry! In this belated episode: Smooth jazz. Spooky statues. Glory is rescued! Jimmy and Callie have a helmeted showdown. JT and Garrett bury the hatchet for like 15 seconds. Also: a deep dive on that haunting Bounty commercial.

Turns out a snake pit is a surprisingly dull place to be. JT moons. Neil suffers crushing remorse. Garrett acts like he murdered Glory, which isn’t helping anything. Sydney and Mila plot to try on outfits. Jimmy indulges his fantasies. Sorry about the plane buzzing around in the background. Oh, the iniquity!

Happy Season 5, Swannies! We break down the logistics of Glory’s abduction and briefly turn into a true crime podcast. The gang start to realize that Glory is missing. Neil and JT eat gross sandwiches and touch radioactive material. Callie will not be fobbed. Barek’s cotton ball stash is discovered. Holy shit, there’s a snake pit under Swans Crossing! Also, it’s double burger day!

Sydney’s scheme has become a full-time job. Billy Gunn has a most unusual set of demands. Sandy’s doing laundry. Callie and Jimmy rumble at the Tool n Die. Barek abandons a sandwich. We are haunted by that one Bounty commercial. It's the end of Season 4 but we'll be back on May 21. Purple turtle super slinky.

It’s finally the next day. Cotton balls are EVERYWHERE. Sydney and Mila refine the plan for that whole uncomfortable Billy Gunn thing. Callie has a Glory Day. Garrett is trapped in a cabana but he kind of deserves it. Saja kicks a box and we can’t stop thinking about it. Happy one-year anniversary to the most mediocre podcast ever! (This one. It’s us.)

Saja relives his Keystone Cops moment. Neil is a food sherpa. Glory is menaced repeatedly in her sleep. Garrett lists things, as is his habit. JT reads a poem, and it’s… uh… interesting. Nathan inadvertently predicts a plot twist and Libbie details the ins and outs of corn-holing while stoned.

It’s 1 a.m. and there is entirely too much going on in this town, considering the hour. In full ninja regalia, Saja checks out a jogger’s butt. Glory and Callie have become BFFs. Jimmy is still at the Tool n Die, probably for creepy reasons. Sydney gets stuck in an elevator, then she gets stuck in Mila’s plan to date Billy Gunn on the down-low. Owen: still striking out with Mila.

Garrett and Sydney have spent an entire hour staring at each other across the pool. Billy Gunn amps up the creep factor to astonishing new levels. Callie makes arrangements for extended landlubbery because apparently Swans Crossing is not, in fact, the only place left. Mr. Han has been running a clandestine drug ring out of the library and we are ON TO HIM. Busted!

Welcome to the Nudibranquet. The Countess really goes all out in her attempt to seduce Captain Walker: Ritz crackers with CheezWiz, synchronized swimmers, Dolores the Nudibranch Girl, inexplicable ping-pong balls, an original aria composed for the occasion… it’s an evening no one in Swans Crossing will soon forget.

Sydney is dressed down and is going through some shit. The Countess outsources her seduction of Captain Walker to the local youth. Barek bilocates. Mila is torn between Garrett and Billy Gunn. Owen sleeps in his studio. Callie kicks Jimmy where it counts. Nancy commits gossip fraud. We are here for Sassy Sandy Swan. There's a lot going on in this one; strap in.