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In the spring of 2020, I got a letter. It was, quite possibly, the worse letter I’ve ever got and I’ve had a few. It was full of bile and unhappiness, unfair and harsh. I recognised immediately that the letter writer was talking about herself and projecting onto me but that didn’t stop it hurting because I realised in that moment that the letter writer would never accept responsibility for her own behaviour and always make it someone else’s fault: primarily mine. So I decided to move out of her way so that, hopefully, her beam of dissatisfaction with life could be aimed elsewhere.  Projection is a defence mechanism. It’s used when people cannot bear certain aspects of themselves and project them onto others. We all do it to a degree (none of us is perfect!) but some people do it habitually and without ever looking at their own place in things. It’s the subject of this podcast where I talk to psychotherapist Ryan Bennett-Clarke about what exactly it is, how to recognise it and how to deflect it so that each person deals with their own behaviour. If you’ve ever left a meeting with someone feeling utterly drained and crap about yourself the chances are that person is projecting something not-positive onto you. You’re going to love this podcast, and I hope you find it fabulously useful in every day life. If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Claudia Hammond is an award-winning author and broadcaster.  Listeners may recognise her name and voice from her Radio Four programme All in the Mind, or Health Check on the BBC’s World Service. Claudia is Radio’s Four ‘voice of psychology’ and Visiting Professor Of The Public Understanding of Psychology at the University of Sussex. Claudia’s sixth book is Overwhelmed, Ways to Take The Pressure Off which came out in January 2026. Side note that there’s also an audio book narrated by Claudia which is beautiful to listen to. So what’s the book, and this podcast, about? It’s for those of us who have too many browser windows open in our heads, a feeling I’m sure many of us will identify with. Are To-Do lists a good idea? Why is rest important? How much doom-scrolling is permissible is okay? What can you do if you feel overwhelmed (isn’t that all of us at some point?). Claudia brings lots of (fascinating) evidence based research to help us develop very practical strategies on how to maybe close some of those browser windows, or at least ignore them for a bit. This is the last episode in Series 11. Series 12 will come out in the spring and we’ve already started recording and I’m very excited about it! If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to E3 of S11 of Conversations with Annalisa Barbieri. This one is a bit of a potentially scary subject: facing fate. But I’m here to hold your hand through it. I’ve certainly had to do my fair share of facing up to fate in the last year and when Andrew Balfour contacted me telling me about his book Life and Death, Our Relationship with Ageing, Dementia and Other Fates of Time, I rather jumped on it. There’s a lot of fear about getting older, but then there’s also a lot of fear about not getting older, ie dying. And with increasing rates of dementia, people are also terrified of getting older and losing capacity. Given that death and ageing of some form is a given why do we fear it so? It’s probably about loss of control, a vulnerability that none of us want and maybe having to rely on people around us. Who wouldn’t be scared. But, we want to help you think about these things in a calm way and maybe get some coping mechanisms. So, in this episode we talk about why we’re so afraid of getting older and dying and why that might affect some people more than others (perhaps not surprisingly, early life has something to do with it). Make yourself a comforting drink and have a listen. Andrew Balfour is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, he was clinical director of Tavistock Relationships and is now its Chief Executive. If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to Series 11 and episode 3. What are BFRBs? It's picking, biting or pulling, skin, nails or hair or Body Focused Repetitive Behaviours. Here I’m in conversation with Professor Clare Mackay, Professor of Neuroscience at the University of Oxford. Professor Mackay has spent over thirty years studying the structure and function of the human brain. In 2023 she turned her attention to a disorder she’d been living with for most of her life: hair pulling, which comes under the umbrella of BFRBS. BFRBs are often done unconsciously at first and, as we’ll learn, are a throw back to primate grooming behaviour gone a bit awry. Most of us do have some BFRBs, we may pick the skin around our nails, or bite our nails or even become fixated with plucking that stray hair, but it’s when it goes into overdrive that it can become a problem. In this episode we find out about a fascinating neuron which surrounds every hair follicle called the CT fibre, which, when stimulated (stroked etc) by someone we trust releases endorphins. This is why we love having our hair or skin stroked or touched (or those fabulous head massages!). If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. So, could BFRBs be a misfire with this neuron? We discuss this and talk in depth about what BFRBs are, what they’re not, how to deal with them if you suffer from them and there’s some really useful advice for parents with children with BFRBs. Clare’s written a fascinating book called Keep your Hair on, which is published on April 2nd 2026. I hope you enjoy this fascinating episode and with grateful thanks to Emily Tammam for the suggestion. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Here is episode 1 of Series 11 of my podcast: Conversations with Annalisa Barbieri.  I’ve long been fascinated with the idea of good enough, not only in mothering but, actually, for so many things. We tend to live in a world of extremes now: things are amazing or awful. Yet most of us live in the ordinary, the ‘enough’.  In this episode chartered clinical and counselling psychologist,  psychoanalyst and a fellow of the British Psychoanalytical Society Professor Alessandra Lemma and I discuss what it is to be a good enough mother, a phrase coined by the the paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott in the 1950s. We talk about what might matter and what really doesn’t, and it might not be what you think. Perhaps it will trigger your own memories of childhood and you can ponder on what really did matter. If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (current rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

One of the things I've noticed in recent years is the rise of anxiety in the young. What do I mean by young? Around secondary school age 11-18/19. It's not, as I say in this episode, that younger children don't get anxious, or that older adults don't - we know they do. But this is the age they start writing in to me at The Guardian with their worries about anxiety. Adolescence, as has been discussed in previous episodes (see The Teenage Brain with Rachel Melville-Thomas) is a very particular time with brain development in overdrive, starting to separate out from your parents and family (a necessary developmental stage) and, well, life. There's a lot to think about and worry about. But there's also a lot to look forward to. In this episode I talk to child and adolescent psychotherapist Alison Roy about why our young people may be anxious and what we can do about it. In the paid version on Substack (see below) there is a second part to this podcast, where I interview my youngest and she gives us a teen-eyed view of anxiety which I think is fascinating. If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is quite heavy on the neuroscience, which is one of my favourite subjects and it was recorded in person, in Oxford. I'm in conversation is with Professor Morten Kringelbach, Professor of Neuroscience at Oxford University, director of the centre for Eudaimonia and Human Flourishing, a fellow of Linacre College and Professor of Neuroscience at Aarhus university in Denmark. I first met Morten in 2024 when I went to Oxford to interview him for a piece I was writing for the Guardian on Anhedonia, which is the inability to feel pleasure, which you can read here. Professor Kringelbach and I talk about what joy is, why it matters, what brings us most joy and why seeking pleasure for the sake of it is often a road to displeasure and addiction. We also touch on depression and psychedelics. Real, proper, lasting joy doesn’t really exist by itself, it has to have context and that context often means other people. And to experience real joy in life we need a purpose. I ended my anhedonia piece saying something I discovered like a bolt of lightning researching it and I stand by it: the meaning of life is that it has to have meaning. That’s really the root of finding joy.  You can learn more about Professor Kringelbach and his work here. If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As the years have gone by I've noticed a real shift in the sort of problems I get and friendship is a subject which is rearing its head again and again now. From young people to old the question is: how do I make friends? Making friends at school may not seem natural but you are forced together with others of the same age, giving you a natural pool from which to pick (although it may not seem like that). After institutionalised education, especially if you don't go on to university and work from home..people can start to feel adrift. Where do they start making friends? How? The truth is most people struggle with this as making friends, and keeping them, requires confidence and resolve and well, hard work. In this episode with regular conversationalist, Chris Mills, much to the joy of his fan club is back and we talk all manner of friendship. If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The sibling podcast in series one remains the most listened to of all the Conversations with Annalisa Barbieri podcasts. So it seemed only right to re-visit this with a Sibling 2.0 episode.  In this episode I’m in conversation with award winning radio presenter, producer and author, Catherine Carr. She’s writing a book about siblings to be published in spring of 2026 which is as yet untitled. Catherine reported for, and produced Woman's Hour for BBC Radio 4, before going freelance to make documentaries and podcasts.I’ve known her for a few years and find her weekly podcast called Where are you going, a fascinating snapshot of every day life. She’s worked on many other excellent projects including the podcast Relatively (which springboarded her Sibling book) which was all about the sibling relationship and last year she produced and presented a five part series about teenage boys for Radio 4 called About the Boys. Why are siblings so fascinating? In this episode we discuss favouritism, how siblings get given labels (the "sporty" one the "organised" one) from which they often find it hard to escape, why each sibling has its own unique history of growing up in the same family and...we also talk a little bit about only children. Plus lots more. It's a really fascinating listen. If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode Lucy and I discuss how to do hard things, such as face adversity. Much as we all like to believe in an Enid Blyton [insert whichever imaginary world brought you comfort as a child] world the reality is often very different. We talk about Professor Lucy Easthope's new book: Come What May, Life-Changing Lessons for Coping with Crisis which looks at this very subject. Lucy and I are also in conversation in previous podcasts talking about her book When The Dust Settles (and how to plan) and her very personal journey in the episode about Baby Loss. Lucy is the UK's leading authority on disaster recovery. She's been an advisor for pretty much every major disaster in the last 20 years. She has a degree in Law, a PhD in medicine, and a Master's in Risk Crisis and Disaster Management. She's a Visiting Professor in Mass Fatalities and Pandemics at the University of Bath and a Research Associate at the Joint Center for Disaster Research at Massey University in New Zealand. Here we talk about how to face up to difficult times, when telling the truth is necessary and healing but also when to use the Good Lie. Lucy uses her considerable experience in helping us to cope with crises big and small. If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back! This is episode 1 of Series 10. Here I'm in conversation with UKCP registered psychotherapist and author Julia Bueno (who joined us in Series 4 talking about the Inner Critic, so do have a listen to that one, too). I get a lot of letters asking either 'should I have a/nother baby' full stop or 'I want one/another one but my partner doesn't'. Julia and I explore what issues come up around this question, what those issues can tell you about yourself, your partner and your relationship and how to go about dealing with them. We also explore going it alone - and whilst we can't tell you what to do, we suggest questions you can ask yourself and things to think about that may help you get there. It's a huge question and one that deserves a lot of thought. Julia has a particular interest in our reproductive lives, her first book The Bring of Being explored the varied experiences of miscarriage. Her second book was called Everyone’s a Critic and explored our own self criticism.  Find out more about her: juliabueno.co.uk, Instagram: @julia_bueno_therapist. Everyone’s A Critic The Brink of Being If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 (2025 rates) a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast was inspired by Graham Music's book of the same name, Womb Life which is the best book on pregnancy I've ever read. Graham and I talk about the secret life of twins in the womb and how their observed behaviour (via ultra sound) can translate to life outside the womb, too. Why did one little boy shake all his toys? What was he looking for? Do babies really cry in the womb? We find out in this episode. What can affect a foetus? How much does stress and nutrition matter? Does it matter if your grandmother was stressed whilst she was pregnant with one of your parents? How and why do some of the baby's cells end up in the mother way after birth? I found this a fascinating episode and Graham's book (which is a strong recommend) goes into even more detail and scientific research. If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. Plus subscriber exclusive newsletters. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Find out more about Graham and buy his books: https://nurturingnatures.co.uk/ Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this, the penultimate episode of Series 9, I talk to UKCP accredited psychotherapist Lisa Bruton who is also a guest tutor at the University of Oxford. We talk about the Parentified Child. Which is? A child who has been given too much responsibility - either physical or emotional - too young. The impact of this is interesting. Do you often find yourself being the most responsible person in the room? Do people look to you for advice (ahem) and guidance? It may be because you are used to performing this role, from way too young. Parentified children can grow up to be exhausted adults. Who looks after them? And why the phrase "my child is my best friend" gives Bruton and I pause. In this episode we look at what exactly being a parentified child looks and feels like, from both the child and adult’s POV. What you can do if you recognise yourself as one and how to avoid doing that to your own children.  More about Lisa here:  https://www.lisabruton.com If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. Plus subscriber exclusive newsletters. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, an idea suggested by my conversationalist, clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal, we explore the big, painful emotion of loss. We tend to body swerve feeling or thinking about loss, and who can blame us? It hurts, it’s horrible. But loss is essential to growth - think of a snake shedding its skin. In order to go onto the next stage we need to leave the one we’re at. But there’s normal loss such as leaving school or a job, and traumatic loss where everything comes at once, like an unexpected or early death or devastating news. This takes far longer to process. Note: process not get over. The loss I’ve noticed most people don’t want to talk about is death, dying, illness and the accompanying grief and yet, as Dr B tells us, if it’s managed ‘well’ post traumatic growth can be rich.  But where would loss be without hope? There has to be hope to make loss’s losses easier to bear. Have a listen and be kind to yourself if you find this tough. If you'd like to support us you can leave a one off donation here: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri If you'd like to listen to this episode, past or future ones, ad free then consider becoming a Substacker: https://pocketannalisa.substack.com/. From £5 a month or £50 a year you'll get access to all new podcasts as soon as they are available and before general release and ad-free. Plus subscriber exclusive newsletters. You can also support us by sharing this podcast far and wide, it's available wherever you listen to your podcasts. And leaving a review if you can. Thank you so much. Produced by Hester Cant. Art work by Lo Cole. Music by Toby Dunham. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Increasingly I get asked this question a lot in my Guardian column. Not from a financial POV but the 'should I retire and what will life be like afterwards?' question. Welcome to episode 3 in this series. It's all about a word that has rather negative associations- retirement - but after listening to this hopefully you'll look at it differently. Once upon a time when we retired was dictated by our work place and/or pensions. Or people were so exhausted by their physically demanding jobs they were totally spent by the time they got to 55. But things have changed. The state pension age has shifted upwards in the UK and for more people it's now a choice. Work can define many of us, so what happens when work stops? Chris Mills, a regular conversationalist and guest in my Guardian column, casts a beautiful new light on what retirement might look like and why we might consider it. Lots to think about here even if you're nowhere near retirement age. I hope you enjoy it! Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.