Advertise on podcast: Advancing Women Podcast

Be confident…but not intimidating. Be warm…but not weak. Lead…but please make everybody comfortable while you’re doing it. Sound familiar? In this episode of the Advancing Women Podcast, Dr. Kimberly DeSimone revisits tightrope bias through a recent experience: feedback that praised women faculty for their warmth while suggesting a male professor would bring challenge, assertiveness, and perseverance. The compliment was sincere. The gendered assumptions were revealing. Drawing on Joan C. Williams and Rachel Dempsey’s work, Kimberly explores how women’s care can eclipse their authority, and how their authority can become a complaint about their tone. She connects those judgments to the work women are expected to do, the opportunities they receive, and whose contributions count as leadership. We explore: Why bias can arrive wrapped in a compliment. The double bind of being appreciated for warmth but penalized for authority. The constant editing women do before they speak, and the backlash they anticipate. How “being helpful” can hide rigorous, consequential leadership. Questions that help us interrupt gendered judgments in hiring, feedback, and promotion. The takeaway: Her warmth does not cancel out her rigor. Her authority does not make her unkind. And she should not have to give up one to get credit for the other. If this feels familiar, share the episode with someone who teaches, mentors, hires, or evaluates others. And join the conversation on Instagram or LinkedIn: what has the moving standard sounded like in your workplace? Related episodes Tightrope Bias & The Likeability Dilemma The Mental Load of Misusing “Mental Load” Research and resources Joan C. Williams and Rachel Dempsey, What Works for Women at Work: Four Patterns Working Women Need to Know (2014). The subtle suspension of backlash: A meta-analysis of penalties for women’s implicit and explicit dominance behavior. Negotiating gender roles: Gender differences in assertive negotiating are mediated by women’s fear of backlash and attenuated when negotiating on behalf of others. Center for WorkLife Law, Bias Interrupters for Architecture. For further reading on differences among women’s experiences: Double Jeopardy? Gender Bias Against Women of Color in Science. Listen, Subscribe, Connect! The Advancing Women Podcast Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone

What happens when language created to make inequality visible becomes so broadly used that the inequality itself begins to disappear? Terms like mental load, invisible labor, and emotional labor have helped name forms of work —often disproportionately carried by women—that traditional measures of labor have failed to capture. But lately, these terms seem to be everywhere, applied to everything from emotionally difficult conversations to administrative annoyances to ordinary responsibilities we wish we didn't have. In this episode of the Advancing Women Podcast, Dr. Kimberly DeSimone explores what happens when useful structural concepts undergo conceptual inflation: their boundaries expand until they begin encompassing experiences increasingly distinct from what they were originally helping us understand. Because the popularity of a concept can become the enemy of its precision. Not all invisible work is “the mental load.” Not all underappreciated work is “emotional labor.” And not every unpleasant obligation is evidence of inequity. There is a difference between a burden and a pattern of inequity. Kimberly traces the research behind mental load and cognitive household labor, revisits sociologist Arlie Hochschild's original conception of emotional labor, and considers what gets lost when structural language becomes a generic synonym for this is hard. She also explores emerging research from Angelica Ferrara and colleagues on “Mankeeping”: the work women may perform to maintain men's social and emotional lives, and an important paradox: at the same time we're broadening the language of invisible labor to encompass men's ordinary responsibilities, men's shrinking social networks may be generating additional invisible labor for women. This isn't about linguistic gatekeeping. Concepts evolve. Language evolves. It's about what happens when we strip the analysis out of the language. Because a concept becoming more inclusive isn't necessarily the same thing as a concept becoming more illuminating. And precision isn't about protecting words. It's about protecting what they allow us to see.    In this episode: What mental load actually means, and why it isn't “everything I have to think about” The difference between an individual burden and a systemic pattern of inequity Conceptual inflation: what happens when useful concepts expand beyond what they were designed to explain How structural language can lose its structure The emerging concept of "Mankeeping" Men's loneliness, social isolation, and women's often-unseen relational labor Why precision of language matters, especially when we're talking about equity Previous Episode Referenced in this episode: The Hidden Cost of Effortless  Research Referenced: Ferrara, A. P., & Vergara, D. P. (2024). Theorizing mankeeping: The male friendship recession and women’s associated labor as a structural component of gender inequality. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 25(4), 391–401.  Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The managed heart: Commercialization of human feeling. University of California Press. Mancini, V. O., Guerrini, B. N., Clarke, J. J., Vergara, D. P., Seidler, Z. E., & Ferrara, A. P. (2026). Measuring mankeeping: Development and validation of a scale assessing how women experience the impact of men's declining social networks. Sex Roles, 92, Article 32.  Let’s continue the Conversation! If this episode resonated with you, why not share it! Listen, Subscribe, Connect! The Advancing Women Podcast Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone

When we're young, life is filled with firsts. First days. First trips. First jobs. First heartbreaks. First moments of realizing we can do something we weren't sure we could do. Then somewhere along the way, we get good at life. We build careers, relationships, homes, habits, and routines. And that's a good thing. Routine makes life manageable. Familiarity gives us security. But does it also have a quiet cost? In this episode of the Advancing Women Podcast, Dr. Kimberly DeSimone explores what happens when a life once filled with firsts becomes increasingly familiar, and whether one of the hidden costs of routine is a gradual loss of wonder. Drawing on the psychology of habituation, novelty, attention, and memory, Kimberly considers why new experiences can make us feel more awake, why familiar experiences can begin to blur into the background, and why creating more “firsts” may help us encounter our lives with greater attention and curiosity. But novelty alone isn't enough. We can travel halfway around the world and still turn Paris into a checklist. We can rush through vacations, optimize our leisure, document experiences before we've actually experienced them, and bring the urgency of an ordinary Tuesday into extraordinary places. Which raises a bigger question: What happens when we stop assaulting life with urgency? From the surrender of sitting beside the ocean, to the unexpected moments that happen when travel plans fall apart, to finding magic in a hot, crowded day at Disney, this episode explores wonder not simply as something we encounter, but as a way we encounter the world. And for women, there may be another layer. So much of adulthood can involve being the person who knows what's next: anticipating, remembering, planning, organizing, and creating predictability for everyone else. Sometimes there is freedom in stepping out of that role long enough to wander, be a beginner, not know what's next, and allow ourselves to be surprised. The takeaway isn't another assignment, bucket list, or life-optimization strategy. It's much simpler: Routine makes life manageable. Novelty wakes us up. Surrender gives us space to notice. Maybe we don't lose our capacity for wonder as we get older. Maybe our lives simply become so familiar, efficient, and hurried that we stop creating the conditions in which wonder can find us. So this week, go find a first.                                    And when you do? Look around. Pay attention. Let yourself be surprised. Let’s continue the Conversation! If this episode resonated with you, why not share it! Listen, Subscribe, Connect! The Advancing Women Podcast Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone

Have you ever tried to tell someone how something made you feel, only to find yourself suddenly defending the accuracy of your own experience? That's not what happened. That's not what I said. That's not what I meant. You're taking it the wrong way. I guess I just can't do anything right. And suddenly, you're no longer talking about what hurt you. You're litigating whether they did anything wrong. In this episode of the Advancing Women Podcast, Dr. Kimberly DeSimone explores what happens when someone listens to our feelings for errors instead of understanding, and why defensiveness can turn an attempt at connection into a battle over whose version of reality gets to count. Because feelings aren't courtroom testimony. Understanding someone's experience doesn't require agreeing with every interpretation of what happened. Empathy is not a verdict. It isn't a confession, compliance, or an admission of guilt. It's the willingness to stop defending your own perspective long enough to become curious about someone else's. But this episode goes beyond communication. We examine the gender socialization that shapes how women and men learn to receive criticism, research on masculine norms and manipulation in conflict, and the psychological function of defensiveness as protection against shame, vulnerability, and threats to self-image. Dr. DeSimone explores the important distinction between ordinary defensiveness and persistent invalidation, including gaslighting, DARVO, and the concept of epistemic testimonial injustice: what happens when someone's credibility as the narrator of their own experience is repeatedly diminished. Because after enough conversations in which your reality is disputed, the greatest cost may not simply be unresolved conflict. It may be that you begin to stop trusting yourself. This episode is ultimately about something bigger than getting another person to understand you. It's about recognizing that you cannot force someone into self-awareness,  but you also don't have to surrender your understanding of your own experience simply because someone refuses to validate it. Sometimes clarity means recognizing that someone you love gets defensive but genuinely wants to do better. Sometimes it means recognizing your own contribution to a dynamic. And sometimes it means confronting the harder possibility: You may be trying to explain yourself to someone who benefits from not understanding you. The goal isn't to have relationships without disagreement. It's to have relationships where disagreement doesn't require one person's experience to disappear. Referenced: Scott Austin Martin: Are you listening for errors? Or listening to understand?  Let’s Connect: Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone

What can a Division I basketball coach teach us about confidence, identity, leadership, and becoming the women we're meant to be? As it turns out…a lot. In this episode of the Advancing Women Podcast, Dr. Kimberly DeSimone sits down with University at Buffalo Women's Basketball Head Coach Kristen Sharkey for a conversation that goes far beyond the basketball court. The connection began at a women's leadership conference, where several young women who had heard both Kimberly and Sharkey speak insisted the two needed to meet. On the surface, a professor and a Division I basketball coach might seem to occupy very different worlds. But when Sharkey later told Kimberly, “My purpose in what I get to do is to help our young ladies grow into the phenomenal women they are meant to be. Basketball is my tool to do that,” the shared mission became clear. Basketball may be Sharkey's tool. Leadership education and this podcast may be Kimberly's. But both are deeply invested in helping women recognize their potential, find their voices, and become more fully who they are meant to be. Together, they explore what Sharkey has learned from coaching women in one of the most competitive environments imaginable, and why those lessons matter far beyond sports. They talk about: • Why confidence isn't something someone else can give you, and why it is often built through discomfort, mistakes, and getting back up • The complicated relationship women have with ambition and competition, and the double standards that still shape how competitive women are perceived • Competition versus comparison, and how women can pursue their own success while still bringing other women with them • The importance of connection, trust, character, and working toward something bigger than ourselves • How to separate who we are from what we do, especially when things aren't going the way we'd hoped • Why women need to stop apologizing for their opinions and voices • Finding purpose beyond performance and discovering what “sets your soul on fire” This isn't an episode about basketball…It's a conversation about becoming. About learning to trust yourself. It’s about recovering from mistakes rather than being defined by them, about taking your seat at the table, even when you're not entirely sure you belong there, and about becoming the kind of strong woman who brings other women with her! Support Women's Sports: One of the themes that emerges in this conversation is that visibility and investment matter. Women's sports deserve our attention, our attendance, and our support. Coach Sharkey and UB Women's Basketball recently launched the Power of One Campaign, a community fundraising movement built around a simple idea: small individual acts of support can create an enormous collective impact. Support Coach Sharkey and UB Women's Basketball through the Power of One Campaign Buy tickets and support the UB Bulls Women's Basketball team And wherever you live, show up for women's sports. Buy the ticket. Fill the stands. Bring your daughters and your sons. Cheer loudly. Every ticket. Every cheer. Every person in those stands matters. Let’s Connect: Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone

What if everything you've been told about success is true...just not equally true? For generations, women have been given a roadmap to success. Work hard. Earn the degree. Build your expertise. Develop executive presence. Negotiate. Become exceptional. And millions of women have done exactly that. So why do so many still feel like the finish line keeps moving? In this episode of the Advancing Women Podcast, Dr. Kimberly DeSimone explores a question that has been at the center of her research, teaching, and leadership work for years: What if the problem isn't that women aren't following the roadmap? What if they're following it exactly? Using the metaphor of the classic street game Three-Card Monte (sometimes called Find the Queen), this episode examines why doing everything "right" doesn't always produce the same outcomes for everyone. Drawing on decades of research in organizational psychology, leadership, gender studies, and behavioral science, Kimberly explores how bias often shifts rather than disappears, as women become more qualified, more accomplished, and closer to positions of power. Rather than asking women to become even more exceptional, this episode asks a different question: What if the system keeps changing the rules? This Episode Explores: Why the traditional success roadmap doesn't always produce equal outcomes Why credentials alone aren't enough Adam Grant's discussion of the research on intelligence and likability Meritocracy: aspiration versus reality, and the "Prove-It-Again" bias The motherhood penalty, fatherhood premium, and the “second shift” Casuistic bias and how evaluation criteria quietly change depending on who possesses the qualifications Why exceptional women are often evaluated differently than exceptional men Why recognizing patterns is the first step toward changing systems Mentioned in This Episode: Walking on Broken Glass by Shannon Nutter & Julia Carrion Joan C. Williams' research on "Prove-It-Again" bias The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild Continue the Conversation! Have you ever felt like the goalposts moved just as you reached them? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Why not add a comment on the Advancing Women Podcast Instagram page? ·        Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  ·        Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  Connect with me on LinkedIn ·        LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone  Please share this episode with someone who needs to hear it and join the conversation. Every conversation helps us move one step closer to changing the game!

Summer has a funny way of becoming another thing to accomplish. The perfect vacation. The perfect family memories. The backyard projects. The bucket list. The pressure to make every sunny day count. But what if we've been measuring summer all wrong? In this episode, Dr. Kimberly DeSimone explores the surprising science behind micro moments of joy…those small, seemingly ordinary experiences that quietly restore our minds, calm our nervous systems, and remind us what it feels like to simply be present. Drawing from Attention Restoration Theory, positive psychology, and Barbara Fredrickson's Broaden-and-Build Theory, you'll discover why a walk outside, an iced coffee on the porch, a favorite song, or ten uninterrupted minutes in the sunshine may be more restorative than we realize. This isn't about escaping your life. It's about finding tiny moments of joy within the life you're already living. Because sometimes the smallest moments change us the most. In this episode: Why our brains need "micro moments" of restoration  The science behind nature, joy, and resilience  Why savoring ordinary moments strengthens well-being  Five gentle ways to experience more joy this summer, without adding another item to your to-do list An Invitation: Steal back ten minutes this week. No multitasking. No guilt. No productivity. Just ten minutes that belong completely to you. Then ask yourself: What is your favorite micro moment of summer joy? Consider sharing your favorite micro moment on the Advancing Women Podcast Instagram Post! Let’s Connect: ·        Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  ·        Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  ·        LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone

What started as a frustrating battle with my health insurance over a medication that has worked successfully for nearly two years led me to ask a much bigger question: Why are we so comfortable with women's suffering? In this episode, I explore why women's pain is so often treated as "normal"…whether it's menopause, chronic pain, endometriosis, caregiving exhaustion, or countless other experiences that disproportionately affect women. Drawing on current research, personal experience, and Caroline Criado Perez's groundbreaking book Invisible Women, I examine how women's health has historically been under-researched, underfunded, and too often treated as an afterthought. This episode isn't about blaming individual doctors or healthcare providers. It's about understanding how systems evolve and what happens when women's experiences are consistently treated as secondary rather than central. Most importantly, it's about hope. For perhaps the first time in history, women are connecting their experiences at scale. Through research, storytelling, and yes, even social media, women are realizing something profoundly important: It's not just me. When we name what has been invisible, we can finally begin to change it. Explored in this episode: Why my insurance appeal became a much bigger conversation about women's health Why "it's just menopause" may be one of the most harmful phrases we use The surprising lack of menopause education in medical training What current research reveals about reimbursement disparities in healthcare How Invisible Women explains the "gender data gap" Why women's suffering is often normalized rather than solved The role of social media in helping women compare notes, find language, and create change Why naming invisible inequities is the first step toward changing them Resources Mentioned Caroline Criado Perez, Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men Dr. Jocelyn Fitzgerald and colleagues' research on reimbursement disparities in gender-specific surgical procedures. Here is the most recent study: Penn, M., Colley, D., Koirala, P., King, L., & Fitzgerald, J. (2025). Price and prejudice: reimbursement of surgical care on male versus female anatomies. Journal of Women's Health, 34(5), 665-676. R E N É | J A Y 🇭🇹 on TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTSjEqurQ/ If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your story. Share it with someone who needs to know they aren't alone. Because every time women share their experiences, the invisible becomes visible. And that's where change begins. Let’s Connect: ·        Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  ·        Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  ·        LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone

What if one of the most common compliments women receive isn't really a compliment at all? In this episode of the Advancing Women Podcast, Dr. Kimberly DeSimone explores the cultural obsession with "effortlessness" and the hidden costs that accompany it. Inspired by conversations following a recent Women's Leadership Summit, this episode examines how language shapes perception, why precision of language matters, and how the word effortless often conceals the labor, expertise, preparation, and emotional work behind success. From leadership and caregiving to careers and relationships, women are frequently expected not only to achieve, but to make achievement appear easy. The result? Invisible labor, unrealistic expectations, and a growing disconnect between what success looks like and what it actually costs. In this episode: • Why precision of language is a leadership skill • The difference between overwhelm and overfunctioning • How "effortless" can diminish labor and expertise • The hidden burden of invisible work • Duck Syndrome and the pressure to appear unaffected • Why making difficult things look easy is often expected rather than rewarded • How visible effort helps us protect our peace • Why accurately naming the problem is often the first step toward solving it Because maybe what looks effortless isn't effortless at all. Maybe it's expertise. Maybe it's resilience. Maybe it's years of practice. Maybe it's work. And maybe it's time we started calling it that!  #AdvancingWomenPodcast #WomenInLeadership #InvisibleLabor #EmotionalLabor #Leadership #WorkingWomen #Boundaries #ProfessionalDevelopment   Let’s Connect: ·        Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  ·        Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  ·        LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone  Referenced: https://shswny.org/duck-syndrome-are-people-what-they-seem/ Akçay, E., & Ohashi, R. (2024). The floating duck syndrome: biased social learning leads to effort–reward imbalances. Evolutionary Human Sciences, 6, e30.

What if getting dressed became less about managing perception…and more about self-expression and shaping our experience? In this episode of the Advancing Women Podcast, Dr. DeSimone explores the surprising emotional depth behind something that initially seems lighthearted: overdressing for no reason, Disney ears on a cruise, bold earrings, sparkle, whimsy, and the idea that maybe “less is more” has quietly turned into a life philosophy that asks us all to become smaller versions of ourselves. Inspired by a series of Instagram and TikTok posts about “normalizing overdressing,” “living in gray,” and reclaiming joy, this episode dives into: Why “YOU are the occasion” is such a powerful reframe. The psychology of Enclothed Cognition and how clothing can influence mood, confidence, and emotional experience. The cultural pressure toward neutrality, practicality, and emotional minimization. Why so many women are socialized to tone themselves down and avoid being “too much.” How adulthood became associated with restraint, muted joy, & “emotionally beige” living. The connection between joy, self-expression, visibility, and the concept of Deferred Life. Why reclaiming whimsy may actually be an act of self-reclamation. From Disney ears and pirate night themes to the “closet graveyard” of aspirational purchases and unworn outfits, this episode reflects on what it means to stop postponing aliveness and start fully participating in your own life. Because maybe being “too much” was never actually the problem. Maybe too many of us were simply taught that joy should be quieter than it deserves to be. Key Takeaways: • Less is not always more • Whimsy is not immaturity • Joy is not frivolous • Self-expression is not a character flaw • You do not need a special occasion to fully show up inside your own life So wear the fancy dress. Use the good perfume. Drink the good wine. Wear the ears. Take the photo. Because life is short. And Less is BORE! Mentioned in this episode: Advancing Women Podcast episode: Deferred Life Syndrome: Let’s Stop Waiting & Start Living (May, 2026)  New Conscious World on Instagram/Facebook Reel “You Were Never Supposed to Live in Gray”  Feed Me Gems Official Instagram Reel “3 reasons to NORMALIZE overdressing for no reason”  Enclothed Cognition. Gruber Baitz, R., & Rogaten, J. (2026). Enclothed Cognition: How Clothing Shapes Our Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviour. In Applied Psychology in Fashion: A Research-Informed Approach (pp. 119-144). Cham: Springer Nature Switzerland. Let’s Connect: Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone  #AdvancingWomenPodcast #LessIsBore #LifeIsShortWearTheEars #WomenAndJoy #SelfExpression #DeferredLifeSyndrome #Whimsy #MainCharacterEnergy #WomenSupportingWomen #EmotionalWellbeing #EnclothedCognition

Every May, social media fills with beautiful tributes to motherhood. “Moms are superheroes” “A mother’s love knows no bounds" ”Home is where mom is” And that gratitude matters. The acknowledgment matters. But underneath all the flowers, hashtags, “best mom ever” mugs, and brunches…there’s a deeper conversation we don’t have often enough. Motherhood in our society comes with profoundly unequal expectations. Not because men are inherently bad partners or uninvolved fathers. But because women and men are often socialized very differently around caregiving, sacrifice, emotional labor, and identity. Women are frequently taught that being a “good mom” means sacrifice. It means anticipating needs, absorbing discomfort, prioritizing others, smoothing conflict, and holding everything together. Mothers are expected to professionally manage childhood. Dads, meanwhile, are often praised for participation. And those are not the same expectations! And the consequences of those expectations show up everywhere: in the motherhood penalty, in the fatherhood bonus, in emotional labor, in Overfunctioning, in burnout, and in the guilt women often carry no matter what choices they make. Stay home? You’re wasting your potential. Work full time? You’re letting someone else raise your kids. Try to do both? Now you feel like you’re failing in two places simultaneously. And perhaps most painfully, women are often made to feel guilty for acknowledging any complexity in motherhood at all. As though saying “this is hard” somehow diminishes love. But human beings are capable of feeling multiple things at once. You can deeply love your children…AND still feel exhausted. You can feel grateful for motherhood…AND still feel yourself wilting under impossible expectations. Those things are not contradictions. They are part of being human. One of the most important reframes I’ve learned through years of researching gender, leadership, and emotional labor is this…sometimes women are not overwhelmed…they’re Overfunctioning! Carrying the logistics, the emotions, the remembering, the planning, the anticipating, and often the emotional equilibrium of everyone around them. And eventually, that takes a toll. Women do not wilt because they are weak. Women wilt because they are expected to endlessly bloom without being watered themselves. That’s not an individual failure. That’s a cultural conversation worth having! #tunein #advancingwomenpodcast Advancing Women Podcast Episodes referenced in this episode: Overwhelmed or Overfunctioning? https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/overwhelmed-or-overfunctioning-how-the-language/id1569849100?i=1000756866647 All Women are Defective! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/all-women-are-defective/id1569849100?i=1000527934727 Let’s Connect: ·        Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast https://www.instagram.com/advancingwomenpodcast/?hl=en ·        Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast https://www.facebook.com/advancingwomenpodcast/ ·        LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone https://www.linkedin.com/in/kimberly-desimone-phd-mba-ba00b88/

What if the greatest loss in your life isn’t failure, burnout, or even heartbreak, but the quiet absence of moments that make you feel alive? In this episode, we explore Deferred Life Syndrome…the pattern of postponing joy, rest, and meaningful experiences for “later.” After the busy season. After things calm down. After everything lines up perfectly. But what if that “later” never actually comes? Drawing on research around regret, lived experience, and the realities of modern life, especially for women navigating invisible labor and constant expectations, this episode challenges the myth of the perfect time and offers a more grounded, empowering alternative. This is not about abandoning responsibility. It’s not about living recklessly. It’s about building a life you actually experience, not just manage. In This Episode, We Explore: Why “I’ll do it later” quietly becomes a life pattern The concept of Deferred Life Syndrome and how it shows up What end-of-life research reveals about regret The hidden cost of productivity over presence Why “less busy” is a myth The power of thinking in seasons, not perfection How small, intentional moments can interrupt autopilot Moving from “someday” to “here’s how” The goal isn’t to wait for a life that feels alive. The goal is to stop deferring and start living it. Right here. Right now. In whatever way you can. If this episode resonated, share it with someone who needs permission to stop waiting. Listen, Subscribe, Connect! Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone

What happens when the people we believe are on our side… can’t hear us? In this episode, I explore what I call the “good guy problem”…those moments when someone who sees themselves as fair, supportive, and an ally is given feedback, and instead of responding with curiosity, something shifts. The conversation moves away from what was experienced and toward protecting intentions, identity, and self-perception. What makes these moments so complex is that they’re not random. Beneath the surface, something predictable is happening. Drawing on research in social psychology, including work on identity threat and moral self-image (e.g., Benoît Monin & Dale T. Miller), feedback about behavior can be experienced as a challenge to who someone believes they are. Instead of hearing, “Here’s something to reflect on,” the message becomes, “You’re not who you think you are.” And once that shift happens, the conversation is no longer about impact, it’s about protection.  We revisit my 3 A’s Model of Allyship (Acknowledgement, Amplification, and Action) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-3as-of-allyship-acknowledge-amplify-act/id1569849100?i=1000561686008 and name a critical insight: Allyship often breaks down at the very first step. Not when allies are learning about inequity in theory, but in the moment when someone says, “Something about that didn’t feel right.” Because acknowledgement, in that moment, requires the ability to sit with discomfort and remain open, even when it challenges your sense of self. When that doesn’t happen, allyship can quietly slip into something more fragile; strong when affirmed, but unstable when challenged. This is “fragile allyship”. Instead of creating space for truth, it begins to prioritize comfort. And in that shift, women often find themselves not only naming what happened, but also managing the reaction that follows. The episode also touches on the concept of Epistemic injustice (Miranda Fricker), which helps explain why these moments can feel so disempowering. When someone’s lived experience is questioned or dismissed, it’s not just disagreement; it’s a subtle undermining of their authority to interpret their own reality. And when that comes from someone positioned as an ally, it can erode trust in ways that are hard to name but deeply felt. At its core, this episode comes back to a simple, necessary truth: you can be a good person and still get it wrong. In fact, the ability to hold both is what makes real allyship possible. Because if being “good” means never being wrong, there’s no room to listen, learn, or grow. Real allyship isn’t about perfection. It’s about what happens in the moment when you’re told you missed something. It’s the ability to stay, to listen to impact without defensiveness, and to choose understanding over self-protection. #tunein #allyship Continue the Conversation! If this episode resonated with you, share it with another woman who might need this reframe. As always, “It’s not your fault, but it is your problem” Listen, Subscribe, Connect! The Advancing Women Podcast Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone  The 3As of Allyship (Acknowledge, Amplify, Act)

We hear it all the time: “You’re too busy because you make yourself too busy.” “It’s your own fault.” “You just need to learn to say no.” But what if it’s not that simple? In this episode, we unpack the uncomfortable truth behind that advice, and why it so often falls flat for women. Saying no isn’t just about willpower or better boundaries. It’s shaped by social expectations, workplace dynamics, and very real consequences. This is where empathy meets pragmatism. We move beyond blame and into understanding: Why saying no feels so heavy The hidden costs women face when they do And how to approach boundaries in a way that actually serves you Because while it’s not your fault that saying no feels hard… it is your problem to solve if you want to avoid burnout, resentment, and misalignment. Key Insight: Saying no isn’t just about boundaries, it’s about navigating systems that were never designed with you in mind. So, if it’s not a hell yes, it’s probably a hell no. Make room for the opportunities that actually move you forward. 💛 Final Thought: You are not failing at boundaries. You are navigating expectations, bias, and systems that make boundaries harder for you to hold. And once you understand the game…you can start playing it differently. Continue the Conversation! If this episode resonated with you, share it with another woman who might need this reframe. Listen, Subscribe, Connect! Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone

What if “overwhelm” isn’t actually the problem? In this episode, we take a closer look at a word many women use to describe their lives—and challenge what it might be hiding. Because when women say they’re overwhelmed, it often sounds like a capacity problem…like we simply can’t handle everything on our plates. But what if the issue isn’t capacity at all? What if what we’re really experiencing is overfunctioning, quietly carrying more responsibility, more emotional labor, and more invisible work than anyone was meant to sustain? In this episode, we do what we always do on the Advancing Women Podcast: we question the narratives, name the invisible systems, and connect personal experiences to the bigger picture. Because sometimes what feels like a personal struggle… is actually something structural. In This Episode, We Explore: Why the word “overwhelm” can unintentionally place blame on women The concept of overfunctioning and how capability becomes expectation How being responsible for everything can quietly turn into being blamed for everything The role of emotional labor and the mental load in women’s exhaustion Why a growth mindset can backfire in systems that depend on overfunctioning How “trying harder” often reinforces the very dynamics that are burning women out What it really means to reclaim boundarieswithout becoming less capable Research & Concepts Referenced This episode draws on a growing body of research around invisible labor and gendered expectations: Arlie Hochschild: Emotional labor and the management of feelings and relationships Allison Daminger: The “mental load” and the cognitive work of anticipating, planning, and coordinating Gemma Hartley: Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward, which explores how women’s invisible labor is normalized, expected, and often undervalued Emerging conversations in psychology and coaching around overfunctioning in high-capacity women Ferrera, A. (2023). Barbie [Film]. Warner Bros. (Barbie monologue delivered by America Ferrera) If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, try shifting the question. It’s not “What do I need to do better?” But: “What have I been carrying that was never meant to be mine alone?” The exhaustion many women feel isn’t necessarily a sign of failure. Sometimes it’s a sign that you’ve been holding too much for too long. And once you can see that pattern, you have the power to interrupt it. To question the language. To challenge the narratives. To stop automatically stepping in when systems quietly assume you will. Because sometimes the most radical move a capable woman can make… is refusing to carry what was never hers alone. And as always, remember: It’s not your fault… but it is your problem. Continue the Conversation! If this episode resonated with you, share it with another woman who might need this reframe. Listen, Subscribe, Connect! Instagram: @AdvancingWomenPodcast  Facebook: Advancing Women Podcast  LinkedIn: Dr. Kimberly DeSimone