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This episode is also available as a blog post: https://smirkfiction.wordpress.com/2022/04/02/dropping-the-d/ Dropping The D Tonight I finally lose my virginity. The church bells rang through the city today and every "ding, ding, dong" really said "Cum, Cum, Came". I waited so long to finally marry the right woman. I never even touched myself in fear of wasting just one love making session that my wife. Nobody knows the moment it all ends, the last time I make love, the final quivering thrust that causes my dick to fall off. I know a guy, Nick, he thought his erections lasted forever. Everyone knows that forever ends at the worst moment. During Sex-Ed, he stood up and told the teacher he starts and ends his day nutting in a sock. We all laughed, the teacher just smiled. Ms. Phallic told him to open to the second page of the book to see the outcome of all that cum. Instantly page two showed a lot of nothing. Literally, the pelvis of the second page displayed a flat, smooth, Ken doll like pubic region and a diagram of the testacies moving into the lower intestine bringing the urethra to merge seamlessly into a pocket right above the butthole. My face went instantly white, but I luckily believe in science. Nick laughed then told everyone his uncle sleeps around and his genes makes his jizz different than everyone. A few guys believed him. On graduation day I caught him crying in the locker room. He screamed about wanting more time. Nobody knew a way to calm him down. I grabbed his shoulders. Told him to breathe and tell us the details. In a face full of tears, he admitted that last night his girlfriend sucked him off, literally. Through his sobs he bragged about it, that it felt great, the warmth of her mouth, the slippery wet tongue flipping it around, and her inner cheeks rubbing the head like a velvet cloth and right then, it fell off, in her mouth. We all gasped. Nick cried even harder. Apparently she spit it out and threw up. It made us all feel bad, but I felt relieved that all the waiting I decided on meant that I made the right choice. Finally tonight I know that the woman I love, loves me, despite the short comings life throws at us. Nick and his girlfriend never spoke again after that day. I never thought that story made complete sense. I thought maybe Nick embellished a few details, but one day I ended up at a bar, talking to the girl that dated Nick in high school. She confirmed all the details and we laughed for hours. We laughed until the next day. We talked all night and then the next night, then the next, we even talked last night and laughed. Now tonight we take the first step to laughing the rest of our lives together even after I drop the D. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

This episode is also available as a blog post: https://smirkfiction.wordpress.com/2021/02/02/coffee-and-women/ Making coffee in the morning starts the day off right. It keeps my eyes open and the call to jump back into bed at bay. The addiction to the light hit of caffeine makes stepping on the cold floor worth it all once the warm taste of that beautiful bean juice hits my lips. I usually make a fresh pot of French Press every day about this time, but not today, today I need to venture out into the world to buy a whole new pack of coffee, freshly ground, and smoother than the black sea sand that the heavenly Lord Jesus stepped on. Normally I see the world in a haze of brown glory. The liquid stimulate lubricates every crack in my skeleton and fills the vast dark unforgiving temperament that waking up at a time that others pass out at holding a bottle of the cheapest happiness. Everything in my body lustfully craves to drink my only pleasure, well almost everything, my tongue holds its reaction until the sack of life rest safely in my firm grip. At times I try to kiss my tongue after it finally connects to the coffee. The snobbish attitude my tongue feels towards coffee only stays on the quality of coffee, nothing else, not food, water, or women. A more discerning tongue might keep me out of trouble in regards to woman, but woman and coffee go great together, especially at breakfast or after a late night. Coffee shops never need to worry that the internet might close them down, cute baristas keep the coffee world floating. Picking up coffee at the mail-box looses the entire experience of actually enjoying the coffee. A cute barista stands at the center of that experience. The only thing that wakes me up faster than a strong cup of coffee is a cute smile and a sweet face asking me about my coffee. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Robots running the world seemed much worse during the mass panic that occurred at the beginning of the downfall. Everyone cried at some point. I cried twice in one day, once, a week during the first few months of our mechanical overlords. Mechanical overlords, that term makes me laugh. Overlords implies a certain hierarchy. Robots never computed a hierarchy  to life. The last of the politicians, government leaders, and war lords pushed an idea that after the robots take over life the way everyone knew it ended. Life the way I knew it sucked. I hated listening to a group of people that never felt the need to obey the same rules we all obeyed forcefully. I openly embraced the idea of robots taking over. Honestly I hid in the caves during the “CTRL, ALT, Delete” society wars. Those quickly ended and not in the amount of bloodshed that pop culture promised. Some blood fell, but much of it ended in sleep. These giant calculators developed instant sleeping gas that fit on the surface of rubber bullets. Soon enough buildings crumbled all around the world. It took almost no time to reestablish society once the robots sat at the helm. They, it, the network, whatever the thing refers to itself put humanity first. Its cold unemotional logic board  ensured that human variables stayed out of the equation. Variables like greed or power that kept the majority of humans in a constant panic either through design or their own mistakes navigating through the system. Nobody thought the robots built to fix the small things in a city like rat traps or toilet paper rolls finally calculated the only way to clean a city of shit and vermin. Written By: Johnny Roque This episode is also available as a blog post: https://smirkfiction.wordpress.com/2021/02/02/mechanical-clean-up-overlords/ --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

At the ripe age of 25 my father picked me up fresh out of my mother to embrace me fully drenched in mucus and blood. My father said he never looked at anything so beautiful. It meant the world to him to meet me. The doctors tried to clean me up, but he insisted I stayed in his arms. They asked to at least clean my mother’s shit off of me, literally. My birth seemed almost impossible. At one point my shoulders prevent the rest of my body’s exit out of my mother. I blame my arrival to existence on not fully feeling comfortable between rollercoaster seat straps. A little bit of me wants to push out and launched into the sky to free fall into the arms of my creator like on the day of my birth. Impossible keeps attaching itself to my family. It haunts us like a mountain that never stops growing, but the summit stays in constant view. My great grandpa grew up farming in Texas. He planted seeds every year hoping his crops produced enough food to eat and sell in order to raise a family on an education equivalent to a 4th grade honor roll student, but against the impossible odds he raised a family then sent a son off to war. That son killed more men then he could count, but counting never seemed to stay his focus, he almost finished high school. Finally shore side after surviving an impossible wound of shrapnel to his head and 2 marriages later, the first to witch and the second to an angel, he makes another son. The toughest, fastest, and strongest of them yet. He turns into a man in a matter of years, he learns to work a hammer instead of trading cards. High school seemed like 4 years too long to stick around in a single place. Staying anywhere too long never seemed to interest him, until the ripe age of 25 when he saw the impossible then made it possible. Written By: Johnny Roque This episode is also available as a blog post: https://smirkfiction.wordpress.com/2021/05/28/ripe-age/ --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

I use to only work in an office to earn money, but recently I started calling out to pick up junk on the streets. Technically it sits on the side of the road, not exactly in the streets and someone posted it on Crigslist in the "free" section. Normally "free" translates to "junk", but I find someone's junk and sell it to someone else like trashy treasure. Most of the time it ends up missing a power cord or components cause leakage through a hairline crack that the owner sometimes mentions in the post, but some leave it out in order to attract a few poor saps just in case the first one passes on it. I know it attracts a few because I arrive to others that look like me. We definitely fill the description of the modern day "junker". A "junker" use to only really mean someone either lacked skills to work a normal job or committed too many crimes to apply at a normal job. Now a "junker" stays up searching the internet to find things that look like an easy flip into cash. Everything I earn I put towards my retirement. I thought working a 40 hours a week job that required a degree and a number of years in the HR field meant guaranteed retirement, but after crunching the numbers my retirement officially kicks in 2 weeks after I take my dirt nap. That only happens if my funeral takes place at a Shakey's and my ashes sell at the occult auction. I decided to auction my corpse to prevent grave robbers. Flipping taught me one thing, people flip everything, even a corpse. My next flip might lead me to flipping a corpse. They make a lot of money. 3 corpses and I retire 3 years earlier. It almost seems worth it, maybe after working another weekend I might, but at the moment I make enough flipping old washers and kitchenware to retire at the young age of 65 . Every time I say 65 I think 62 sounds better ... sounds like 3 years better. Written By: Johnny Roque This episode is also available as a blog post: https://smirkfiction.wordpress.com/2021/06/19/flipping-the-streets/ --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

24 hours ago nobody knew my name. My website saw about 34 views a month. I thought the cell phone towers around my house needed an update or something, but the 300 missed calls and 5000 unread text proves that the towers work perfectly. One little tweet turned the whole world against me. I never expected the opinions of a small town plumber mattering to anyone, but a simple “kill ’em all” stood out in the sea of empty words of the world wide web. Literally, none of this means anything to me. The last seven tweets I posted talked about the proper way to install a u-shape pipe on your sink. I saw a cop beating up a criminal, a bad guy, someone that broke the law, so naturally I posted the one thing everyone thought, but feared saying, “kill ’em all”. I work over 60 hours a week sometimes, I value the hard work that I put into the system. Police, in my experience during the last 48 years of my life on this earth never bothered me. They arrested me, but not once while walking around I ever encountered a cop that wanted to waste his time interrogating me. The one time handcuffs ever wrapped around my wrist I deserved it. Driving drunk home I knew immediately after seeing the red and blue lights behind me that I faced a detour home to the drunk tank, hopefully just to sober up. I almost talked my way out of it, but the cop shrugged and asked me to turn around. I jokingly jogged away and he laughed. He never treated me like a criminal. Criminals commit crimes, like theft, like the guy I saw on twitter. I never thought cancel culture sided on the side of the criminal. The cops only beat up bad people, bad people commit crimes. I posted the same thing on all the social media sites I take part in plus news sites like Fox, OWN, and National Review, they all supported me. Hopefully my GoFundMe saves my business. Written By: Johnny Roque This episode is also available as a blog post: https://smirkfiction.wordpress.com/2021/06/19/cancel-the-plumber/ --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app