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Holding What Changes and What Endures Wellness Compass Podcast | How's the Family? Series Episode summary "October is a symphony of permanence and change," wrote the poet Bonaro Overstreet. In this episode, Holly Hughes Stoner and Scott Stoner, both marriage and family therapists, explore how families, like the trees of autumn, are always moving between what changes and what endures. Holly and Scott look at the changes every family faces. Some are planned, like a child leaving for college, a retirement, or a move. Others are unexpected, like a diagnosis, a job loss, or a sudden death. Because families are systems, a change in one person's life ripples through everyone. Drawing on decades of counseling experience, they share how families can stay grounded in what is permanent (love, compassion, forgiveness and connection) as they navigate change together. With the holidays approaching, they also offer ways to honor both the traditions that endure and the losses and changes that make this season different. In this episode Why fall is a reminder that beauty and loss can live side by side Planned and unplanned change, and how both ripple through a family The family as a mobile: why one person's change affects everyone A family story about the grief no one was talking about A simple question therapists use in conflict that you can use at home: "What do you love about each other?" How fear can lead us to turn away from or against each other, and how a family can become a refuge Expanding our inner capacity to hold change and the full range of emotions The holidays as a time to ask what to let go of and what endures Spirituality, one of the eight areas of the Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being, as the source of what is permanent Making it personal Is there a significant change your family is experiencing right now? How is each person experiencing it? Are you able to talk about it together? In this season of permanence and change, what remains constant for you and your family? What do you hold on to when things change? Connect with us We'd love to hear from you, whether it's a challenge you're facing around change in your family or a reflection on this episode. You can reach us at [email protected], or individually at [email protected] and [email protected]. The Wellness Compass Podcast releases a new episode every other week.

Mental Health: Name It. Claim It. Reframe It. October is Mental Health Awareness Month, and in this episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, marriage and family therapists Scott and Holly Stoner offer a simple, three-part way to think and talk about mental health: name it, claim it, and reframe it. Drawing on 40 years of clinical work and their own family experiences, they explore how mental health is something every one of us has, and how it shapes, and is shaped by, the families and relationships we live in. In this episode: We all have mental health. It isn't only a concern for some people. Like physical health, it's one dimension of well-being in the Wellness Compass Model, and it can vary from day to day and season to season. Name it. Just as cancer was once unspeakable, mental health is still often talked around with euphemisms. Naming a struggle the way we'd name a migraine or a family history of heart disease normalizes it, eases stigma, and helps others know how to respond. Many clients feel deep relief simply saying, "I think I'm depressed," for the first time. Claim it. Owning our story, letting the people close to us know what we're carrying, and tending our mental health proactively. Scott and Holly share personal examples of how claiming a sensitivity keeps us from externalizing it or blaming others. Reframe it. Thinking systemically, using the image of a mobile: stress anywhere in a family shows up in its individual members. Understanding this takes the blame off, gives hope, and helps us see the bigger picture, like why a recent move or a loved one's diagnosis might leave us feeling out of sorts. Our agency. We rarely choose the state of our mental health, but we always choose our response, including whether to be vulnerable, ask for support, or step back from commitments. A Wizard of Oz lesson. Healing came for the Wizard only when he was finally willing to name, claim, and reframe what he'd been hiding. For reflection: Is there something about your own mental health you've been hesitant to name? Is there someone in your family you'd like to talk with a little more openly? Is there something you'd like to share with a loved one? How's your family? Season 4's theme is "How's the Family?" We'd love to hear your thoughts, questions, and topic ideas. Email us at [email protected], or reach us individually at [email protected] and [email protected]. Find all episodes and the companion column, published every other week, at wellnesscompass.org. Join us again in two weeks.

Wellness Compass Podcast: "How's the Family?" — Season Premiere Sep 18, 2026 Overview Holly and Scott Stoner return from their summer break to launch a new season of the Wellness Compass Podcast built around a single recurring question: "How's the Family?" For the year ahead, the husband-and-wife team of marriage and family therapists will focus every episode on family wellness across all ages, stages, and configurations. In this premiere, they explain why they chose the theme, share how nearly 50 years of marriage and decades of clinical practice have shaped their own family, and introduce this episode's framing idea: family as our first, lifelong school. In This Episode Welcome back & the new season theme. After a summer off (spent, in part, on their own well-being), Holly and Scott announce this year's focus: family wellness in every configuration, across the full life cycle — not just parenting. Why "How's the Family?" The question tested universally well because everyone already asks some version of it, and few things affect our own well-being more than the state of our family relationships. Why Holly loves this work. Families often arrive carrying unspoken history — old wounds, unresolved grief, things that happened but were never talked about. Every family has its own unique "culture," and helping them reconcile is, as Holly puts it, a sacred honor. Family as our first school. Timed to back-to-school season, Scott introduces the episode's central metaphor: family is the first school we attend, we don't choose our "teachers," and unlike traditional school, we never graduate — we're lifelong learners. Holly's evolving roles. From child to teenager to young wife, mother, and now grandmother, Holly reflects on her current growing edge: learning to let go as her adult children build lives (and marriages) of their own, and adjusting to becoming an elder in the family after losing both of their parents in recent years. The "multiple marriages" bit. A favorite line from their retreat days: every long marriage is really a series of marriages — pre-kids, raising kids, empty nest, mid-life, and now the post-parental-loss years. The relationship keeps evolving, and that's the point. Scott on grandparenting without a model. Scott grew up without any grandfathers (both of his grandfathers died at 40) and is now, 13 years into being a grandfather himself, "making it up as he goes" — including adjusting as his grandson approaches the teenage years. The core skill for family wellness. Humility, openness to learning, and flexibility — because change in family relationships is the norm. Closing thought: "Change is inevitable. Growth is optional." Memorable Quotes "Few things affect our own well-being more — the quality of our own lives more — than the well-being and the quality and the state of our family." — Scott "Families hold so much... frequently without really talking about it and working through things. But they always seem to want to reconcile." — Holly "In the school of family life, we don't ever graduate, nor should we. We are lifelong learners." — Scott "I'm still learning how to let go... You'd think that maybe by now I'd have it." — Holly "Change is inevitable. Growth is optional." — Scott Reflection Question for Listeners Holly and Scott close with a version of this season's core question: How are you a student right now? What lessons are you having the opportunity to learn within your family, or within a family relationship? Where are you the teacher right now? Where do you have opportunities to teach and influence others in your family? About the Hosts Holly and Scott Stoner are marriage and family therapists who have been married 49 years and have three adult children, two grandchildren, and three in-laws. Together they co-host the Wellness Compass Podcast, drawing on decades of clinical experience working with families of every configuration. Connect With Us Have a family story, question, or challenge you'd like Holly and Scott to address on the podcast? Send it in — anonymity and identifying details are always protected. Holly: [email protected] Scott: [email protected] This podcast and its companion column release every other week. Next episode in two weeks — same question: How's the family?

THIS SUMMER In honor of this being our last column of the season — we will be taking the summer off to rest and renew — we would like to share one of our favorite poems with you. We hope this will inspire you as it has us.   If you prefer to listen to this poem read by the author herself, click HERE.   "The Summer Day" by Mary Oliver Who made the world?  Who made the swan, and the black bear?  Who made the grasshopper?  This grasshopper, I mean — the one who has flung herself out of the grass,  the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,  who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down  — who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.  Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.  Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.  I don't know exactly what a prayer is.  I do know how to pay attention,  how to fall down into the grass,  how to kneel down in the grass,  how to be idle and blessed,  how to stroll through the fields,  which is what I have been doing all day.  Tell me, what else should I have done?  Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?  Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?   We find the specificity of Mary Oliver's attention to this grasshopper inspiring. It seems to us an invitation to ask, "what will we pay attention to this summer?" Specifically, how will we pay attention to the moments when we are working in the garden, the sunsets we will see, the smell of flowers we will breathe in, the taste of fresh produce from our farmers markets, the beauty of starlit skies, a possible round of golf on a warm sunny day, the moments when we get to chase fireflies with children or play with them in the swimming pool, watching children running freely through the sprinkler, a marshmallow toasted over a campfire, or the walks we will enjoy on a summer evening? The ample pleasures of summer invite us to pay attention, to fall down into the grass, to be idle and blessed, and to stroll through the fields. If the question Mary Oliver ends her poem with seems too immense, perhaps we can whittle it down to this: What is it you plan to do with this wild and precious summer? Best to you during the magical time of summer.  May you enjoy its splendors. And we will see you again right after Labor Day.   Warmly, Holly and Scott Stoner

This podcast is a companion to our Wellness Compass column. What follows is the text of the column we emailed out this week on this same topic: "Baseball is too slow for me—I prefer sports like basketball with its constant action and scoring" is a comment we overheard at our grandson's Little League game this week. Because it wasn't said directly to us, we didn't have the opportunity to respond with all the ways we love the slow pace of baseball. We'd like to share those with you now, and because this is a wellness column, we can't resist the opportunity to reflect on what the slowness of baseball has to teach us.   First on the list would have probably been that we love the game just because it is slow. Even with the advent of the pitch clock and a few other changes to speed up the game for our impatient culture, the game still has a refreshing pace that allows you to savor each pitch, each at bat, and each play in the field. The pace allows you to pause long enough to wonder, "Should they bring the infield in?" or "Is this a good time to hit and run?" or "Should the outfield be playing this batter to pull?" or "The pitcher has thrown three consecutive four-seam fastballs—so is it time to throw a circle change?"   The opinion that baseball is too slow has been voiced more frequently over the last few decades. Perhaps a different way to frame that perception is that life by contrast has increasingly sped up and maybe even become too fast.  Baseball is a celebration of slowness. It resonates with the slow food movement and the increased interest in slow travel. Within medicine there is even a new movement called slow medicine, which is pushing back on the limitations of the five to seven minute office visits.   Speaking of medicine, Scott tried something very counter-cultural (and counter-intuitive for him) this week. He had a doctor's appointment and his doctor was running late so he had a half hour to himself in the waiting room. Because he was thinking about this concept of patience and slowing down, he resisted getting his phone out and checking the news or his email or …. last night's box scores.  He sat for a full thirty minutes without reaching for his phone. He took some deep breaths and practiced some mindfulness meditation. When he returned home he was embarrassed to report that this was not easy for him to do. Like the woman we overheard at our grandson's baseball game, he, too, sometimes craves action and stimulation.   Life has its own series of waiting rooms. Waiting for clarity on a difficult issue. Waiting for a loved one to find their way. Waiting for healing. Waiting for peace. We long for progress and some kind of action that will bring quick resolution. When we can't just scroll ahead we are invited to enter into the wisdom of slowness and the practice of patience.  Three thousand years ago the author of the book of Ecclesiastes gave us this hopeful wisdom, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."  May we find the grace to trust the season we are in and to patiently embrace the waiting and unfolding, even when we wish things would move a little faster.   And may we watch a few games of baseball to remind us of the benefits of slowing down.

Sharing Awe: What 19,000 Likes Can Teach Us About Supporting One Another's Mental Health Wellness Compass Podcast Hosted by Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT & Scott Stoner, LMFT Episode Overview Something unexpected happened after Holly and Scott's last column and podcast about the Artemis II astronauts — a quote about the view of Earth from space, and how it reveals no borders, no divisions, only our shared humanity, went viral on Facebook with nearly 20,000 likes and almost 7,000 shares. In this episode, Holly and Scott reflect on what that overwhelming response reveals about what people are truly hungry for: awe, wonder, and a sense of connection. They explore the science of awe and how cultivating it can meaningfully strengthen our mental health. Key Themes The Power of Awe The viral response to their post was a powerful reminder of how starved many people are for good news and experiences of unity. Research confirms that experiences of awe calm our nervous systems, help us think more clearly, and have a measurable positive impact on mental health. The Science Behind Awe Holly and Scott highlight the work of Dr. Dacher Keltner, professor of psychology at UC Berkeley and author of Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life, who has identified eight key sources of awe in everyday human experience. The Eight Wonders of Awe (Dr. Dacher Keltner) Moral Beauty — Witnessing acts of courage, kindness, or perseverance in others Collective Effervescence — The shared energy of a group moving, worshipping, dancing, or celebrating together Nature — Immersion in the natural world and its "wild awe" Music — Experiencing or creating music collectively Visual Design — Encountering great art, architecture, or sacred geometry Spirituality and Religion — Mystical experiences, prayer, communal worship, transcendence Life and Death — The thin, liminal places of birth, dying, and transition Epiphany — Realizing you are part of something far larger than yourself Personal Reflection Question What could you do this week to enhance your own sense of awe? Consider revisiting a past moment that moved you deeply, or intentionally placing yourself somewhere — or with someone — that opens you to wonder. Even a simple gratitude practice, especially when shared with another person, can be a doorway into awe. What We Pay Attention to Will Grow A core principle of the Wellness Compass Initiative: whatever we pay attention to is what will grow. This episode invites us to ask — what are we amplifying? On social media and in daily life, are we spreading wonder and connection, or discord and division? This isn't about toxic positivity; it's about intentionally choosing where we direct our energy and attention. Upcoming Free Wellness Circles Wellness Circles are a free, six-week small group experience designed to cultivate awareness, intention, and well-being — a perfect real-life space to experience awe and gratitude with others. Tuesday, May 4 at 1:00 PM Wednesday, May 5 at 5:15 PM To sign up, visit wellnesscompass.org and click the green bar at the top of the homepage, or email Holly directly at [email protected]. Connect With Us 🌐 Website: wellnesscompass.org 📧 General contact: [email protected] 📧 Holly: [email protected] Go forth and be awesome — discover awe, experience awe, and share it. May you be safe, may you be healthy, may you be happy.

Wellness Compass Podcast — Show Notes Episode: What Artemis II Can Teach Us About Mental Health About This Episode Scott and Holly Stoner, licensed marriage and family therapists and co-founders of the Wellness Compass Initiative, reflect on the Artemis II moon voyage and draw out four wellness lessons for our everyday lives. Recorded the night before the crew's scheduled return to Earth, this episode connects the wonder of outer space exploration to the inner work of mental health and well-being. In This Episode 1. There Is Power in Expanding Our Perspective The Artemis II astronauts witnessed an "earthrise" from the moon — and it changed how they saw everything. Scott and Holly reflect on how this mirrors a core wellness practice: recognizing that other people see the same situations we do, but from entirely different vantage points. Rather than assuming someone is wrong, stubborn, or uninformed, we can get curious about how things look from where they're standing. One astronaut said it beautifully: "When we're up here, we don't see borders. We don't see religious lines. We don't see political boundaries. All we see is Earth. And you can see that we are way more alike than we are different." 2. If You Want to Go Far, Go Together A proverb reminds us: if you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together. The four astronauts brought diverse skills and perspectives, and their success depended on their interconnection — plus the enormous team of scientists and engineers supporting them from Earth. As Scott and Holly often say: wellness begins with we. Building and strengthening our crew helps all of us go farther. 3. There Is a Time for Autopilot and a Time for Taking the Controls NASA required every crew member to practice manually flying the spacecraft — just in case autopilot failed. In life, transitions and disruptions (a health diagnosis, job loss, relationship change, or a global pandemic) can knock us off autopilot and require us to fly with greater intentionality. Scott and Holly share how COVID did exactly that for them personally, leading them to reshape their entire approach to delivering their work. Change is hard, but building our "change muscles" helps us respond rather than simply react. 4. Growth Requires Moving Out of Comfort Zones Could there be a more dramatic example of leaving your comfort zone than flying to the moon? When the crew lost contact with Earth for 41 minutes on the far side of the moon, they had to rely on each other and themselves completely. All growth — personal, relational, professional — requires stepping out of what is comfortable and familiar. The key is doing it with awareness, intention, and a supportive team. Mentioned in This Episode Artemis II moon voyage (April 2025) The Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being Wellness Circles — six-week small group wellness program New coaching and in-service offerings for nonprofit leaders and providers Resources & Links Website: wellnesscompass.org Coaching and in-services for leaders and providers: wellnesscompass.org/coaching Wellness Circles — new groups forming in mid-May; sign up at wellnesscompass.org Email: [email protected] Closing Thought "May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be safe — and may you continue to build your crew, strengthen your crew, move out of your comfort zones, and expand your perspective." New episodes every two weeks.

What follows is the Wellness Compass Column that was send out today and based on the same topic as this podcast episode: Only Love Can Do That Theo of Golden by Allan Levi is the book I (Holly) am currently reading and loving.  Only three quarters of the way through it, the main character Theo and his story has really captivated me as he is everything I'd like to be: curious about others, a good listener to everyone,  generous, and non-judgmental.   I've been telling Scott about it all week, sharing many of the stories about Theo's loving kindness and how I find it to be an  antidote for much of the suffering that is happening in the world.  Like Theo, we believe that love, kindness, and compassion are the most powerful and most essential forces in the world. We find it important to state this, especially at a time when fear and violence are a constant presence.  We talk in our Wellness Compass resources about how there are many compasses that compete to guide our lives. The compasses of the dominant culture are strong, as are the compasses of our upbringings. Choosing spiritual values, as Theo does—like love, kindness, and compassion—to be what guides us toward True North is an intentional choice any of us can make, no matter what other forces may tempt us to follow them instead. As psychotherapists, we know firsthand the destruction that violence and hatred cause. Having worked with countless clients who have experienced the mind- and soul-crushing effects of violence and hatred, our hearts have been broken more times than we can count. At the same time, being witnesses to the healing power of love and compassion in the lives of people who have suffered has time and time again reminded us that love and compassion are indeed stronger than violence and hatred.  Hatred and violence are ever present in our world, there is no doubt. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." That's why we need to continuously choose love, kindness, and compassion as our enduring values both for our own well-being and the well-being of our world.

The Gift We So Often Forget to Give Ourselves Wellness Compass Podcast Self-Compassion and Self-Care Episode Summary We hear about self-compassion and self-care so often that the words can start to wash over us — and yet most of us are still much better at offering compassion to others than to ourselves. In this episode, Holly and Scott Stoner explore why these practices are not luxuries or signs of self-indulgence, but the very foundation of sustained wellness, healthy relationships, and genuine care for others. Drawing on their work as marriage and family therapists, their Wellness Compass programs, and a moving story from a high school mental health fair, they make the case that a full cup is what makes giving possible — and that self-compassion is not about lowering the bar, but about meeting yourself with honesty and kindness at the same time. Key Themes Why self-compassion and self-care feel so countercultural — and why they matter more than ever right now The difference between self-compassion and toxic positivity — it's honest and kind, not one or the other How the inner critic develops, why it sometimes seems to work in the short run, and why it grinds us down over time Social media and the trap of "comparing your insides to other people's outsides" The Wellness Compass core principle: whatever we pay attention to is what will grow Why self-care is not selfish — it's about creating a centered self, not a self-centered one Story from the Episode Holly shares a conversation from a high school mental health fair with a young football player who was carrying heavy self-criticism after his team's loss. His story illustrates something universal — the weight we carry when we hold ourselves to a standard that leaves no room for compassion, effort, or grace. Quote of the Episode "Self-care is not about being self-centered. It's about creating a centered self." — Scott Stoner Featured Resource Kristin Neff — leading researcher, author, and teacher on self-compassion. Her simple, powerful starting point: "Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend." Here's a link to one of her videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k Upcoming Events 🌀 Wellness Circles — beginning April 7th and 8th, online. A practical, supported space for self-care and community. Learn more at wellnesscompass.org Making It Personal Is there an area of your life — at work, at home, or out in the world — where you tend to be hardest on yourself? Name it honestly, and then ask: what would it look like to be a little more gentle there? What is one concrete thing you could do — journaling, a conversation, a shift in thinking — to grow more self-compassion in that area? Where in your life could you use a little more self-care right now? What would it mean to fill your cup so you have more to offer yourself and others? Connect with Holly and Scott 📧 Holly: [email protected] 📧 Scott: [email protected] 📧 Podcast & column: [email protected] 🌐 wellnesscompass.org New episodes release every two weeks. Until then — may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live at ease, and may you deepen your practice of self-care and self-compassion.

Wellness Compass Podcast Show Notes Episode #173: The Courage to Reset: Lessons from an Olympic Champion, Overview Scott Stoner and Holly Hughes Stoner explore the power of making intentional resets in our lives — drawing inspiration from Olympic figure skater Alyssa Liu, who took two years away from skating at age 16 to prioritize her mental health, then returned to win gold at age 20. The Inspiring Story of Alyssa Liu Alyssa Liu's journey offers a compelling model for all of us. At 16, at the height of her competitive career, she stepped away from elite figure skating because the relentless pressure and busyness were taking a toll on her mental health. After two years of rest and renewal, she returned to the sport about a year ago — and what stood out wasn't just her technical skill, but her visible joy and ease on the ice. Her story challenges the assumption that stepping back means giving up. Her words: "I hope that with all this attention, I can at least raise awareness about mental health in sports and mental health in general... I think my story is pretty cool. So I hope that it inspires other people as well." Three Key Takeaways from Holly 1. Resting or resetting is not the same as quitting. Pausing something — a commitment, a role, a pace — is not failure. It's wisdom. Whether it's pulling back from a work obligation, a relationship pattern, or a draining routine, stepping back can create the perspective we need to move forward with more intention. 2. Detach your well-being from your achievements. When we're known for something or skilled at it, it can easily become our identity. But who we are is not defined by our output, our titles, or what we produce. Remembering this is itself a kind of reset. 3. Listen to your whispers. Low energy, lack of joy, going through the motions — these are signals worth paying attention to. Alyssa Liu listened to hers. Scott and Holly share their own example: shifting the podcast and column to an every-other-week format to show up with more energy, preparation, and joy for each episode. What a Reset Might Look Like for You Resets don't have to be dramatic. They can be small and still be powerful: Getting up five minutes earlier for quiet time or meditation Turning off the radio on your drive home to breathe and reflect Shifting from going through the motions to being more intentionally present with family, friends, or colleagues Reframing how you see a person or situation — sometimes the reset happens entirely in how we think A Note on Hard Seasons Scott and Holly acknowledge that sometimes we're in the middle of a crisis, grief, or loss — circumstances we can't simply reset our way out of. This conversation isn't about toxic positivity. It's about the smaller, courageous choices we can make to navigate our lives with more awareness and intention. Resources & Connect Website: wellnesscompass.org Email Scott: [email protected] Email Holly: [email protected] Facebook: Wellness Compass page Upcoming Wellness Circles: Six-week online Zoom groups begin the first week of April — free to join. Sign up at wellnesscompass.org. Until we gather again in two weeks — may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you be at ease, and may you know when you are in need of a reset, big or small.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast: Valentine's Day invites us to celebrate love with cards, flowers, and chocolates—gestures that honor the warm feelings we have for the people we care about. Feelings are an important aspect of love, but love is so much more than that. What sustains love through ordinary days, difficult seasons, and genuine hardship? This week, nineteen Buddhist monks completed a 2,300-mile walk from Texas to Washington, D.C., covering over twenty miles each day for 108 days. Some walked barefoot. Some nights they slept in tents in the midst of freezing weather. Early in their journey, their escort vehicle was struck by a distracted driver, and one monk lost his leg. Rather than responding with anger or litigation, the monks offered compassion and continued their pilgrimage. Their journey teaches us something essential: love is not primarily a feeling. Love is an embodied practice—a decision we make again and again through our actions. American scholar and author bell hooks wrote that, "Love is an act of will—namely, both an intention and an action." She insisted that love requires care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust. These aren't emotions that wash over us. They're disciplines we can choose to cultivate, day after difficult day. This understanding has for centuries appeared across wisdom traditions as well. In the Bible, for example, in 1 Corinthians 13, love is described not as a feeling but as a series of actions: love is patient, love is kind, love does not keep a record of wrongs. These are choices, not sentiments. They require intention and practice. The monks' walk demonstrates this truth beautifully. When faced with injury and loss, they couldn't rely solely on positive feelings to carry them forward. They instead relied on their commitment to peace—a commitment expressed through every mindful step, every tent pitched in the cold, every encounter with strangers along the highway. Their example has profound implications for our relationships. When we understand love as practice rather than feeling, we stop waiting for the emotion to show up before we act lovingly. We show up for our partner even when we're frustrated. We offer kindness to our children even when we're exhausted. We extend compassion to ourselves even when we feel unworthy of it. Love as practice means recognizing that the small, unglamorous choices matter most: listening when we'd rather talk, pausing before reacting, choosing forgiveness over resentment, showing up consistently rather than dramatically. These daily disciplines build the foundation that feelings alone cannot sustain. So this Valentine's Day, by all means celebrate with flowers and chocolates. But also ask yourself: What loving actions will I practice even when the warm, affectionate feelings aren't always there? How will I embody love even when it costs me something? What am I willing to walk twenty miles a day for? The monks teach us that love sustained over 2,300 miles isn't about warm feelings. It's about faithful practice. Step by step. Day by day. Choice by choice. That's the love that endures.

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:   Start With Why (Part 2 of a six-part series on change). Most attempts to make a change will fail if they are not connected to a clear "why"—a clear reason for making the change. The "why" is the root system that grounds and nurtures change. Without a strong root system, most attempts at change will wither or die out altogether. For example, if a person makes a New Year's resolution simply because it's the popular thing to do, there is a good chance that resolution won't stick. If, however, a resolution is grounded in a compelling why, it has a much greater chance of lasting.  Author Simon Sinek writes extensively about change. He says most people focus only on the "what" and "how" of a change they want to make, and forget the most essential part—connecting with their "why." For example, a person might decide they want to spend less time on their screens. That's their "what." They may even have a "how"—a plan for doing this. But unless they articulate the deeper "why," their attempt to limit screen time will likely be short-lived. If, however, they can identify why they want to spend less time on screens—to connect more meaningfully with others, pursue other activities, or get more sleep—then there's a greater chance they'll make a lasting change. All great leaders inspire and facilitate change with a clear "why." Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who passed away in 2021, received the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless work to end apartheid in South Africa. The "why" that kept him going, even when facing seemingly insurmountable barriers, was his belief that all people are created equal and that the freedom and dignity of every individual must be affirmed and honored. What he did and how he did it evolved and adapted to changing circumstances, but his "why" never wavered. His "why" sustained him his entire life. Such is the power of knowing and connecting with our deeper "why." This principle has guided a significant change in our own work. Before COVID, our main strategy for our nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative centered on creating print resources and traveling around the country doing in-person trainings. This approach was effective and personally rewarding, and while it helped us reach thousands of people, its scalability was limited. When COVID hit, we were forced to pivot—developing digital downloads and moving all our trainings and meetings online. Initially, we made these changes simply because circumstances required it. But here's where the "why" became essential. As the world reopened, we faced a choice: return to our familiar pre-COVID methods or embrace the challenging work of continuing to grow these new digital strategies. We could have easily justified going back to what we knew best. Instead, we chose to press forward with learning new technologies like podcasting and expanding our digital reach. Why? Because our deeper purpose has always been to expand access to wellness resources for as many people as possible. The changes have been challenging. There's a learning curve to new technology, and we miss the warmth of in-person gatherings. But our reach has expanded in ways we never imagined. Now we are reaching many tens of thousands of people Before COVID, we ran Wellness Circles in person in our local geographic area. Now we facilitate five times as many Wellness Circles, regularly welcoming participants from Europe, South America, and other parts of the world, as well as people just down the street from where we live and work. Our "why"—making high quality wellness resources accessible to organizations and individuals who need them—gave us the motivation to persist through the challenges that change always brings.   Making It Personal Can you think of a change you have already made in your life that was fueled by a clear "why"?  How did it go?   Is there a change you want to make, or are making now, that would be strengthened by connecting it more clearly to a "why"?   What is your "why" for the change you are aspiring to make and how might identifying that help motivate to stick with it?

In this episode we mention our Wellness Compass Self Assessment.  Here is a link to our assessment(s). Click HERE to learn more, and/or to download the self-assessment for your own use.  And Holly mentions her personal trianer in this episode--the amazing Luanne Vogel. You can learn more about Luanne, including her contact info HERE. And if you would like to join our upcoming Wellness Compass "pop up" session on Thursday, January 22, 7:00 PM Central Time, click HERE.  There are 8 dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass and for this session we will focus on the Relationship dimension of wellbeing.   What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast: Listening for a Change (Part 1 of an Updated 6-Part Series on Understanding Growth & Change) Four years ago, we wrote a series of six columns about the process of change—how it starts, what keeps it going, and why it's often so hard. Since then, people have regularly asked us to share information from those columns again. As marriage and family therapists who've spent decades working with individuals, couples, families, and organizations, we've learned that understanding how change actually works is key to making the changes we want to make. So we decided it was time to update this series. For the next six columns (and podcasts), we'll look at how change begins with listening, the stages we go through, what keeps us stuck, and what helps change last. So, if you're thinking about a change or already in the middle of one, we hope this series is helpful. Whether or not we make New Year's resolutions, a lot of us take stock of our lives this time of year. We pause and ask ourselves if there are changes we want to make. The turning of the calendar invites us to think about what in our lives needs attention. What might need to shift or grow? One idea we've found to be helpful—both in our own lives and with our clients—is what we call "listening to the whispers." It's pretty simple: all meaningful change begins with listening. Often a desire or need for change first shows up as a whisper, a quiet feeling that something's not quite right. The whisper might sound like: "I'm feeling disconnected from _______. I'm not sure how to fix that, and honestly, I'm afraid to take the first step, but I know it's time." "I used to make time for ________, and I really miss that. I want to find a way to bring it back." "The pace of my life is wearing me out. I can feel it in my body, and I want to do something about it before I burn out." "My relationship with alcohol (or screens, or work, or shopping) has changed in ways that worry me. I want to address this now, while I still can." "This job doesn't fit who I'm becoming anymore. I'm going to start looking at what else is out there." "I feel called to get more involved in what's happening in my community. I'm going to talk to people who are already doing the kind of work I want to do." "There are things in our family we keep avoiding. I think we could be stronger if we started being more honest with each other." "I keep hearing people talk about meditation and how much it helps them. I'm curious about what that might do for me." That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it's only a whisper. But here's what we've noticed: when a whisper goes unheeded, it doesn't just go away. The pattern we see again and again is that the whisper gets louder. Gradually our inner voice starts to shout. And what happens if we don't listen even then? Eventually something breaks through—a consequence, maybe even a crisis—something we can't ignore anymore. When it comes to taking care of ourselves and our relationships, we need to learn to listen to these hints. Healthy people, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this regularly. They take honest looks in the mirror. And because they know they can still fool themselves, they ask for honest feedback from people they trust. They create ways to get feedback so they can adapt and respond to warning signs. But it all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us and actually listening to what wants and/or needs to change. Our lives are always speaking to us. Together, let's commit to listening to what they might be saying.   And speaking of change, we are making a small change with the frequency of our Wellness Column and Podcast. Due to other new initiatives that we are working on (more about that later!), we will be moving from a weekly format to an every other week format. So look for our next column and podcast in two weeks, and every other week thereafter.  And please note that this change came from a "whisper" that reminded us that our bandwidth has limits and that we can't develop new initiatives without making space for the energy they require! Making It Personal—These questions can help you listen more closely to what your life might be saying right now: 1. What do you think about the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening? 2. Can you think of a time when you listened to a whisper in your life, and it led to something good? 3. Listening to your life right now, what's one change that's calling for your attention as we start this new year? In the weeks ahead, we'll explore the stages of change, what helps transformation stick, and how to work with resistance—both the kind inside us and the kind from others. We're looking forward to this journey with you.

Sharing Light in the Darkness In the 1990's, there was a children's show on the Nickelodeon Network that our children and we loved, called Are You Afraid of the Dark? One thing that made the show special was that it was just scary enough, without being terrifying. We find ourselves thinking about that show now as we in the Northern Hemisphere approach the darkest night of the year. There is a lot of fear, a lot of scary things happening in the world, things that can seem dark and overwhelming at times. As therapists, we find ourselves invited into so many conversations these days about how can one find and how can one be light in the midst of the very real darkness we are seeing in the world.  Fortunately, we are not the first people to encounter this struggle. Each of the world's spiritual traditions offers wisdom on finding hope, love, and peace—light—in the midst of the darkness of suffering, injustice, and violence.   A few years ago, we lost power in our house for several days due to an ice storm. As disruptive as that experience was, we discovered a lesson that has stayed with us. We discovered the difference a single candle can make in a pitch-black room. This experience has stayed with us, especially during difficult times when tragedy strikes our communities or violence erupts in our world. Like many of us, we sometimes feel overwhelmed by the darkness around us, uncertain where to turn or what to do. But then we remember the difference that one small candle, one small light can make.  There's an old saying: "It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness." For us now, lighting one candle means doing something kind and loving for someone else—some act of service that brings a small amount of light into their world and, little by little, helps brighten our world as a whole. Here's what's remarkable about sharing light: when you have a lit candle and reach out to light someone else's candle, it in no way diminishes your own light. Unlike money or material resources, we can share the light of hope, love, and kindness with countless others, and still have own light which can continue to burn just as brightly.  As we celebrate the upcoming holidays, may we all commit to being candles of light, spreading love and kindness to all we encounter. The darkness is real and powerful, but the power of love and light is greater still. Making It Personal: 1. When have you experienced someone lighting a candle of hope for you during a dark time? How did their act of kindness change your perspective or situation? 2. What small act of love or service could you offer this week to bring light into someone else's world? 3. What helps you remember that sharing your light with others doesn't diminish your own? How might this understanding change the way you approach generosity this season?

What follows is our Weekly Wellness Column that is always on the same topic as our Weekly Podcast:   The Spirit (and Neuroscience) of Generosity The holidays are a time for gift giving and generosity. Nonprofits receive more donations of both money and volunteer hours this time of year than at any other time. With that in mind, we offer a few thoughts on practicing generosity—not just during the holidays, but all year long. Our Brains Are Wired for Generosity The Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, in their book entitled The Book of Joy, remind us that generosity is fundamental by saying the following,  "Generosity is so important in all of the world's religions because it no doubt expresses a fundamental aspect of our interdependence and our need for one another. Generosity was so important for our survival that the reward centers of our brain light up as strongly when we give as when we receive, sometimes even more so."  Modern neuroscience confirms this ancient wisdom. We are literally hardwired for generosity. Our Gifts Can Go Beyond the Material While material gifts can be meaningful, many of the most significant forms of generosity often cost nothing. The gift of presence—truly listening to someone who needs to be heard—activate our neural reward pathways. So does offering forgiveness, sharing a burden, or bearing witness to another's joy or pain. These exchanges of care create the web of interdependence that sustains us. Hospitality Can Be a Gift A friend recently shared a formative memory. Every Christmas, her parents invited people they knew who were alone to join them for dinner—someone from work, a neighbor, someone from church. She said those experiences taught her more about the meaning of the holidays than any material gift she ever received. Generosity Transforms Hearts How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Christmas Carol are beloved because both the Grinch and Scrooge are transformed by embracing joy and generosity. Hearts that were two sizes too small become enlarged. This holiday season, let's commit to practicing generosity in all its forms as we give warmth freely, receive graciously, and notice how both nourish our connections with others. Making It Personal: 1. Think of a time when someone offered you the gift of their presence—truly listening or simply staying with you through something difficult. What made that moment meaningful?   How did it feel? 2. Like the Grinch or Scrooge, where in your life right now might you be resisting generosity (think time, attention, forgiveness, or resources)? What would it feel like if you worked so that part of your heart grew larger? 3. If you were to create your own ritual of generosity—whether during holidays or throughout the year—what would it look like? Who might you include, and what would you want others to feel from witnessing this practice?