Advertise on podcast: Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

When Michelle Valiukenas lost her daughter Colette after being born at 24 weeks, the grief was devastating – and this grief had real effects on her friendships, both good and bad. In today’s episode, Michelle and I talk about the evolution of relationships through all of life’s ups and downs and the value of showing up imperfectly. Shortly after recording, my own friends lost their son in the NICU, and I felt uncertain how to go about sharing this episode; I decided to release it because my friend told me these kinds of stories provide her comfort and can be hard to find. If you're supporting someone through grief, or if you're in it yourself, I hope that this conversation gives you permission to have the hard conversations.  In this episode you’ll hear about: The power in giving our grieving friends the options of whether they want to talk about their loss or not How I used this episode to show up for my own grieving friends, including normalizing talking about the the child they lost, Cam, and being present through hard daysWhy we can’t maintain our friendship peaks forever, just as you can’t sustain race-day conditioning – and that’s OKWhat’s actually helpful for people grieving, from remembering anniversaries to offering concrete help (i.e., don’t ask what they need, offer a service instead) Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 and learn about my theory about the Roots Framework. Michelle and her husband founded the Colette Louise Tisdahl Foundation, which aims to improve outcomes of pregnancy, childbirth, prematurity and infancy, and help the grieving process.  Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

One reason I do this work is I believe all humans deserve to feel safe – but for a lot of us, that’s not a reality right now.  Across the country, from Minneapolis to Maine, people, including children, are being kidnapped from their homes under the guise of immigration crackdown.  So today’s episode is about leveraging connection as a form of resistance to protect our neighbors. What can you offer, and how do you present yourself as a safe person? You might think the action ideas in this episode are too small. But resistance doesn’t always have to be on the front lines. You can be the neighbor somebody calls in an emergency. You can pay attention and let people who might do harm know you’re watching. It all adds up. In this episode you’ll hear about: Ideas for how to present yourself as a safe person, from hanging rainbow flags or multilingual signs to simply talking about your values in casual conversationThe truth about numbers: when people who help outnumber those who’d harm, it becomes harder for hateful actors to actWhy not all resistance is viral and the real value in small, everyday connections and actions, particularly when crises hitHow to help, from calling congressional representatives to watching for opportunities in which you can show up Resources & Links Listen to Episode 120 where I dive into my political beliefs and Episode 126 about how friendship can be a vehicle for radical change. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Ever feel like, all of a sudden, you have TOO many friendships to juggle? I know – this sounds like the most privileged problem ever! But truly, it’s a common experience, and I think the reason some of us get burnt out is because we feel we need to show up for each person in the same way.  My thoughts? Some friends are lifelines; others add color to your life. Both types matter. But you don’t have to show up the same way for everyone.  Whether you’re feeling stretched thin by your growing network or just want to be more intentional about how you connect, this episode offers a practical approach to keeping all your many friendships meaningful AND sustainable.  In this episode you’ll hear about: Why you don’t have to show up the same way for every friend, and how redefining your relationship roles can save you from burnoutHow your growing list of responsibilities and roles as an adult naturally leads to more connections — and why that’s a good thingGetting clear on your unique strengths in friendships so you can show up where it matters most (and release the guilt of not being everything to everyone) Resources & Links Listen to some of my episodes that challenge the “all-or-nothing” mindset about friendship, including Episode 13 and Episode 33. And be sure to listen to Episode 12 about the different kinds of friendship roots. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Have I made it sound like it’s easy to keep friendships strong and resilient? If so, let me set the record straight: making changes in friendships, even if they’re for the better, is HARD. A lot of the time, it involves uncomfortable conversations, confrontation, and hard feelings. It’s so tempting to push problems aside to keep relations “peaceful.” I think there’s an expectation to put in work for romantic and familial relationships, but how much work should we be doing for friendships? At what point is it not worth the effort?  Here’s my hard truth: If you want friendships where you can grow, change, and share the real stuff, you’re probably going to have to rock the boat. It might be uncomfortable, but it won’t be uncomfortable forever. On the other side, I think you’ll find the work was worth it.  In this episode you’ll hear about: The assumption that friendships should always feel good and seamless, with zero challenges as we all move through life’s transitionsDifferent types of work involved in maintaining friendships (and why avoidance is even work, from suppressing urges to withholding details about our lives)Why having those difficult conversations sometimes will not feel good but are important in addressing changes, building resilience, and maintaining connectionHow we feel having hard conversations with partners, family, long-term friendships and new friends; does the label of the relationship impact your investment of effort? Resources & Links Listen to Episode 99 about individualism in friendship with James Richardson; Episode 149 about why we should want our friends to have robust social lives; Episode 153 about friendship break-ups with Meenadchi; and Episode 159 about speed dating for friends. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Imagine you’re fresh out of college and just moved back to your hometown. Suddenly, making plans with your friends feels hard. Instead of meeting them in the apartment next door or in the dining hall, you’re texting back and forth, trying to get together – but much of the time, it doesn’t pan out, or it’s just not the same. This story is a reality for so many people, including today’s guest. Jason Edmonds is a Seattle resident who decided to make his own solution: Six Degrees, an event-based social experience that matches people through personality quizzes and groups them into activities, helping people in Seattle find their people.  In this interview, we talk about vulnerability. We talk about Six Degrees. We talk about the stigma of getting help to find friends. Most of all, we talk about how common this whole experience is. Transitioning from college to adult friendships is hard, and many of us could use a little extra help. In this episode you’ll hear about: The common experience of post-college friendship struggles: in college, socializing was so easy, but as adults it’s more complexSix Degrees, an event-based social experience designed to help people find new friends through intentional activities and personality quizzesThe difference between college and adult friendships and the importance of vulnerability and intentionality in friendshipsUsing social media and technology as a bridge when you meet someone at a meet-up like Six Degrees Resources & Links Follow Six Degrees on Instagram. Listen to Episode 21, which is about that shift in friendship during our mid- to late-20s; Episode 41, about the Liking Gap; Episode 123, about maintaining friendships without proximity; and Episode 145, about reframing rejection.  Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

I sobbed in the car about the holidays this week – but not for reasons you might think. Here’s what made me emotional: I am so grateful and excited for the ways we are celebrating our holidays this year. It could not be further from the reasons I’ve car sobbed in years past. Some of you are already excited about the holidays, and I love that for you. But that is not everyone’s experience, and for years, it was not mine. There was a period in my 20s when my partner Michael literally called me the Grinch. Holidays are often reserved for families – so where does that leave those of us who don’t have strong familial ties or want something different? This episode is about how to create holiday traditions with your friends that feel GOOD, with practical advice on how  to initiate these conversations and get the ball moving, with the hope that you too will dream up and work toward your own ideal celebrations, too. In this episode you’ll hear about: My personal relationship and evolution with the holiday season, from being the Grinch to crying in the car out of happiness for my holiday plansWhat I was looking for in my holidays, including togetherness, connection, and splitting the burden of the magic makingThe societal normals that often limit holiday options to family gatherings or solitude, and the third option I’m proposing: holidays with friendsInitiating conversations with friends about getting together for the holidays – which often involves a little vulnerability The importance of patience and openness in creating new holiday traditions with friends Reflection Question: What would your dream holiday look like? Formal, informal? Spent with family? Friends? Alone? What seeds could you plant now so that in the coming years you can make that dream a reality? Notable Quotes: “I have spent the past five years figuring this out. I was truly the Grinch. Michael actually used to call me the Grinch. I didn't even realize how much I despised the holidays in my low- to mid-20s, and Michael comes from a family that loves the holidays, so I'm sure I stood out like a sore thumb because of my holiday feelings. I want to talk about this journey of going from someone who dreaded holidays to creating celebrations like this year that I am actually so excited about I am crying in my car in gratitude.” (3:14) “If you are sitting here listening to this podcast, feeling like the holidays that are coming up aren't quite what you want them to be, I want you to know that you're not alone. I hope you already know that, but you are definitely not alone. And more importantly, I want you to know that it's okay to start dreaming up something different, and that once you have that dream, sometimes all it takes is a few brave conversations to start creating the holiday experience that you've already wanted.” (29:11) Resources & Links Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you. Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated. Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that easy. My hope is that this episode helps more gatherings feel like time well-spent – and that, consequently, you’ll want to say yes to more invitations in the future, too. In this episode you’ll hear about: Why do we like being invited? What feeling do we think a gathering will offer? And why do we sometimes feel dread on the day of?What the very best gatherings can provide: a shift in momentum, a feeling of relief, a connection made, something learnedHow to take charge of our guest experiences and create moments of meaning by asking three simple questionsRemembering that we don’t always know what will happen – and that sometimes the most unexpected gatherings can actually be the most impactfulReflection Question: Are you a person who dreads gatherings? What is it about them that you fear? What tools from this episode will you take with you for your next gathering? Notable Quotes: “The best gatherings – I think, if we look back on them, there's something about that gathering that caused an internal state change, an emotional shift, or some sort of momentum in our lives. We're all out here spending so much time in our own heads – which is great, by the way. I'm not saying don't spend time in your thoughts meditating and being present with yourself. I'm just saying, for a lot of us, that's how we spend the majority of our time, and sometimes, it is nice to be with other people who might inspire you, or offer a fresh perspective or a boost of information or a new way to see the world – an opportunity to feel invigorated or nourished or supported.” “We can't just keep walking into these gatherings pretending like we have no real power here. We do and we can create meaning for ourselves. So how do you do that? Well, I have a very simple strategy. All I do is ask myself three questions before I walk in the door. You could do this while you are driving there. You could sit in your car for a moment before you go inside. You could do this honestly, even between the time it takes you to park your car and walk in the door. It really is that easy.”  Resources & Links Read The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. It’s amazing! Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Raise your hand if you’ve ever walked away from an interaction and thought, gosh, I was so awkward! They’ll never want to talk to me again. If this is you, you’re not alone, and honestly, it probably wasn’t as bad as you think; we’re often harder on ourselves than other people are on us. When it comes to connections, there’s a name for this underestimation of how much others actually enjoy interacting with us. The Liking Gap is a social phenomenon that I discuss in-depth in Episode 41, and today, I want to talk about it again – but this time, how to reduce that gap with five tips on feeling more confident and connected during everyday interactions, no fake positivity required. Whether you’re navigating friendships at work, struggling with small talk, or seeking genuine connection, this episode is packed with relatable stories, actionable advice, and plenty of encouragement.  In this episode you’ll hear about: What the “liking gap” really is—a scientifically studied phenomenon where we underestimate how much others actually enjoy interacting with usFive actionable ways to feel more confident and connected in conversations, from being genuinely curious to using both verbal and nonverbal cues to show interestInsightful reframes for neurodivergent listeners, with practical pivots that turn common hurdles (like interrupting or not loving eye contact) into strengthsWhy searching for the good in others and starting with a baseline of respect can transform even casual acquaintanceships Resources & Links Listen to Episode 15 about staying curious in your interactions, Episode 41 about the Liking Gap, Episode 74 about small intimacies, and Episode 40 and Episode 144 about neurodivergent friendships.  Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Let's talk about the Martha Stewart trap so many of us have fallen into. You decide you’re going to get everyone together to see your new place. But then you start thinking you need to deep clean everything; you need more seating, more cutlery, and you need to cook a nice meal. Eventually you start wondering: when did hosting get so expensive? I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be. Today’s episode will reframe a few things for you, but the biggest one is about the difference between entertaining, which I’d say is your Martha Stewart dinner party, and hosting, which is casual and can be inexpensive (or even free). Don’t let Martha Stewart scare you off from hosting a gathering. Bringing people together for a gathering is about connection, not perfection, and you don’t need a pristine home or unlimited budget to do it. All you need is yourself and a little creativity.  In this episode you’ll hear about: How my experience as a professional wedding planner has reframed how I see hosting vs. entertaining (and why I think the host is the initiator, not the venue owner)Hosting people outside your home via a community event or at a park, community space, library, museum, etc.Different kinds of informal parties I’ve hosted: Picnics in the park! Potluck freezer food parties! Cookie nights! DIY pizza nights! Using energy to manage feelings of vulnerability and create a welcoming environment for guests instead of trying to manifest perfection Resources & Links Listen to the Six Rules of Hosting audio guide. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

I’ve never been a big drinker. In my early twenties, I remember having to stand up for myself to be included during drinking games, even though I was drinking water. But at a recent gathering we hosted, I realized there were actually MORE non-drinkers than drinkers present. Making non-alcoholic options (and non-alcoholic activities) a normal part of our get-togethers has certainly been an evolution, and I’m grateful for it. There are lots of reasons people don’t drink. Maybe it’s due to health reasons or childhood trauma regarding alcohol; maybe they’re in recovery, they have responsibilities, or they just don’t feel like it. Today’s episode is about starting conversations about friends’ boundaries regarding alcohol so hangouts can fit those preferences. If you want to drink less or if alcohol is a trigger for you, I hope you take this episode as encouragement to talk with friends about it. Personally, I’ve found gatherings that don’t revolve around alcohol to be not only more inclusive, but also more creative and fun. In this episode you’ll hear about: Why I’ve never been a big drinker, and how my health has led me to stop consuming alcohol entirelyConversations about understanding friends’ boundaries with alcohol and the importance in not making it a big dealDifferent non-alcoholic activities: workout classes! Walks! Going for drives! Running errands! Etc.Building shared experience roots through new activities, which also makes friendships more resilient and comfortable Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Ninety-four percent of people have experienced more than one friendship break-up. Let that sink in. Nearly EVERYONE listening has been through this heartbreak multiple times – and yet, we barely even talk about it as a society!  This statistic comes from a survey conducted by today’s guest, Meenadchi, a somatic healing practitioner, communications expert, author of Decolonization Non-Violent Communication, and TEDx Talk presenter about her own friendship break-up. This is a conversation about the losses we don't have scripts for and why that makes the healing so much harder. We share deeply about our own experiences, we talk about Meenadchi’s research, and we dive into the grief of friendship break-ups. I hope this conversation gives you some of what I felt during this conversation – that you are not alone in this experience. The pain of friendship break-ups is real. Give yourself the space you need to grieve. In this episode you’ll hear about: Meenadchi’s upbringing in a Sri Lankan immigrant community, where friendships are highly valuedHer long-term friendship that ended at age 36 and her subsequent fascination with friendship breakupsThe vulnerability and intimacy shared in childhood friendships and the impact of losing such relationshipsThe concept of a "line in the sand" for setting boundaries and moving forward in relationships; when do boundaries work, and when can friendships be repaired?The importance of community interconnectedness in healing from friendship breakups (plus, healing strategies, from letter-writing to the internet) Resources & Links Visit Meenadchi’s website, see her TEDx Talk, and follow her on Instagram. In this episode I mentioned All About Love by Bell Hooks. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

There is a message I keep getting in my DMs, and it breaks my heart every single time.  It’s too late for me to make friends. I’m too old. I’ve messed up. I missed the boat. I get why people feel this way. Societel messages lead us to believe there is a point in our lives when, if we don’t have the community connections we want, then we will never have them. But if you’re on the shore, watching your boat cruise away, I want to share with you a little secret: there is always another boat. The key is to stop thinking of friendship and community as something “happening” to you and instead as something you are actively building. One of the joys of being an adult is that you get to CHOOSE who you are surrounded by. How to start? Literally, from any place, under any circumstances. In this episode you’ll hear about: The challenges of transitioning from surface-level friendships to deeper, more meaningful connectionsMy tackling the limiting belief that there isn’t enough time to build friendships, even if you’re only living in a place temporarilyWhy it’s never too late to change patterns and grow new roots with new or old friendshipsWhen social anxiety, a major life shift, or feeling “out of practice” makes social situations feel awkward – and my advice for this Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 about emotional intimacy roots, Episode 69 about learned loneliness, and Episode 49 about navigating small talk. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Lots of people tell me they want couple friendships – you know, those picture-perfect foursomes you see in movies, where everybody gets along effortlessly. Here’s the truth: couple friendships are complex! Why? Because you’re not just making friends couple-to-couple. You’re actually building FOUR SEPARATE FRIENDSHIPS at the same time.  My husband and I have lots of couple friendships – probably more than 20 – and they range from old friends to new friends, close friends to casual friends. Some we might have over for dinner, some we travel and spend holidays with. This episode covers the real dynamics of couple friendships: what makes them work, what complicates them, and how to strengthen them over time.  In this episode you’ll hear about: The different dynamics to manage in couple friendships, including individual friendships in the couple and the dynamics when all four are togetherBeing aware and respectful of the different levels of closeness within the group; it might be a combination of present friends, historic friends, familiar friends, etc.How to find couple friends, from leaning into existing friendships to meeting new people in your communityNavigating complications with couple friendships, from life changes (a move or the introduction of kids) to divorce Resources & Links Listen to Episode 28 about adult slumber parties with Dr. Erika Michalski.  Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Calling someone you haven’t spoken to in two years isn’t weird; it’s just being human. Today’s guest is Jacob Marquez, also known as J. Henry, a Seattle-based tech entrepreneur and musical artist whose approach to relationships challenges a lot of conventional friendship wisdom. Jacob is the founder of Seattle’s Best Brunch, bringing creatives together to collaborate and spotlight each other’s work, and he’s developing an app that helps people nurture their relationships.  What drew me to Jacob wasn’t what he was building but how he approaches connection. He’ll call someone out of the blue after years of silence, and he thinks that friendships can be reciprocal – even if one person talks about themself the whole time.  Our conversation touches on everything including low-maintenance friendships, systems for connection, and the impact of redefining intimacy, and I think it will have us all thinking twice about our assumptions regarding how friendship should work.  In this episode you’ll hear about: Jacob’s work in community connection, including Seattle’s Best Brunch and his app, Connect, which provides systems for staying connectedThe different systems each of us uses to track and maintain friendships; plus, why it’s important to be open to change and growth in our friendships as time goes onDifferent ways friendships can actually be reciprocal – even if you don’t think they are at first glance!The entrances into different communities you could be finding just by being open and communicative about what you’re looking for Resources & Links On Instagram check out Jacob’s personal Instagram and his account for Seattle’s Best Brunch. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Cheer your friends on for hanging out with each other … even if it’s without you! It might sound like counterintuitive friendship advice. But the truth is, when my friends have rich, full social lives, I actually benefit more than anyone.  In this episode, I’m going to share some stories where I have either encouraged my friends to make other friends or actually cheered them on for hanging out without me.  My friend who’s moved away and whose baby was in the NICU? I want her to have other mom friends! I want her to have friends who live CLOSE to her! Mostly, I want this for my friend’s well-being, but there are many benefits for me, too.  When my friends have rich social lives, it also enriches my social capital and puts less pressure on me to be EVERYTHING for them – which honestly is a healthier situation for all of us. In this episode you’ll hear about: The friendship trio dynamic: why I’m not offended when the others hang out without me and the importance of one-on-one time even in a groupThe value of friends having diverse social networks, including activity-specific friends, life stage friends, and work friendsSocial capital and why having friends with a robust web of connections makes me feel more supported and connected, tooBenefits of encouraging friends to make other friends, including reducing pressure and providing more niche support Resources & Links Listen to Episode 12 about my roots framework. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!