Advertise on podcast: The Desire Gap: Real Solutions for Couples with Mismatched Sex Drives

When you're running on empty, sex feels like just another demand on your already depleted system. But burnout isn't just affecting your work life—it's killing your desire and disconnecting you from your partner. Dr. Amy Grimm, veterinarian and certified burnout coach, joins me to explore how chronic stress impacts intimacy. We discuss what both high and low desire partners need to know, including:  Why burnout is a nervous system problem, not just a work problemHow to tell if you're burned out vs. depressedWhy sex becomes performative when you're disconnected from yourselfThe micro-moment practices that actually restore your nervous system (no hour-long meditations required)How to reconnect with your body so you can reconnect with your partnerIf you suspect burnout is affecting your relationship or libido, this conversation will help you understand what's really happening—and give you simple tools to start healing. Resources: Free video series: The Burnout Fix - https://burnoutfreeme.kit.com/burnoutfix Amy's podcast: Burnout-Free Me - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/daring-dvm/id1685789557 Website: https://daringdvm.com Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Before you can solve your desire gap, you need to know what you actually want. This super simple, somatic practice helps you stop overthinking sex, connect to your body's truth, and find the safety you need to access authentic desire. Whether you want more or less sex than your partner, self-attunement is the foundation for everything. Learn the simple 1-minute body check-in that reveals your real yeses and nos—and helps your partner feel your presence too.  Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Part 1 in this series covered how ADHD affects desire. Now let's get practical. Mid-sex, suddenly thinking about work emails and grocery lists? Your partner can tell you're not fully there . . . and it doesn't feel great to you either. You're not a bad lover, your ADHD brain is just incredibly loud. This episode covers the most common in-the-moment challenges and what to do about them: Sensory needs: why some touches work and others don't, and how to communicate what your body needsTask-list brain: staying present instead of mentally composing tomorrow's to-do listNovelty, time blindness, and working memory: we'll discuss practical toolsThese aren't flaws to fix—they're features to work with. Your ADHD brain can experience incredible pleasure and connection when you understand what it needs. Start with one small tool. Small shifts make huge differences. Part 3 coming soon: medication effects, sleep issues, and how ADHD behaviors outside the bedroom kill desire inside it. Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

You've been sold a lie: that if your relationship needs work, something is fundamentally wrong. That love should just happen naturally if you're compatible. That needing help means you're failing. This myth keeps people stuck in mediocre relationships, avoiding problems, and thinking they're failures when they struggle. And it's complete b******t. Here's the truth: We live in a culture that gives us terrible relationship advice, no real education about intimacy, and a bunch of harmful myths. Then we're expected to navigate one of the most complex, vulnerable aspects of human experience—intimate relationships—with zero guidance. Does that make sense? Your relationship quality is the biggest predictor of your overall happiness and health—not your job, your bank account, or your body size. We invest thousands in gym memberships, career development, and lawn care. But when it comes to our most important relationship, we hesitate. Why? This episode is about what "doing the work" actually means: time, money, effort, and attention. It's about why your intimate relationship deserves the same intentionality you give to other important areas of your life. And it's about giving yourself permission to get help before things become a crisis. Your relationship deserves your best effort, not your leftovers. Let's talk about what real investment looks like—and why it matters. Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

If you're dealing with a desire discrepancy, you probably think you know what you want: more sex, or less sex. But what I've learned is this: there's always more under the surface. And that information is gold for figuring out the way forward together. If you're the higher-desire partner, what are you actually seeking when you want sex? Is it validation? Connection? Reassurance that the relationship is okay? If you're the lower-desire partner, what are you really trying to avoid when you don't want sex? Certain sensations? Emotions? Pressure? Memories? When you dig deeper and get honest answers to these questions, everything shifts. You can communicate what you actually need, you stop putting invisible pressure on your partner, and you find other ways to meet your real needs. This episode walks both partners through the questions you need to ask yourselves—with curiosity, not judgment. Plus: how to stop asking yourself crappy questions that make you feel worse, and start asking empowering ones instead. Your brain will answer whatever you ask it. Let's ask better questions. Check out Emily Nagoski's latest book here: Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Thinking about asking ChatGPT about your desire gap at 2am? You're not alone—lots of people are turning to AI for relationship help. And I get it. It's free, private, and you don't have to admit to another human that you're struggling. But here's what you need to know: AI can be genuinely helpful for some things—like understanding new concepts, normalizing your experience, or organizing your thoughts before talking to your partner. But it also has serious limitations that can actually make your problems worse. In this episode, I break down what AI does well (psychoeducation, reducing shame) and what it fundamentally can't do (anything embodied or somatic). We'll talk about the "sycophancy problem"—why AI tells you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear—and when it's time to get actual human support. For anyone considering on turning to AI for relationship advice, but wanting to be informed about that choice, this one's for you. Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

This is THE episode to share. After 100 episodes and years of working with couples on mismatched desire, I'm breaking down the 10 mistakes that keep you stuck—from obligation sex and taking rejection personally, to making every touch sexual and believing someone is broken. These patterns make total sense, but they backfire hard. If you or someone you know is dealing with a desire gap, start here. You'll learn what's keeping things stuck and exactly what to do instead. The 10 mistakes: Trying to 'fix' your partner instead of the dynamicHaving obligation sex to keep the peaceTaking rejection personallyBelieving scheduling sexy time is not "natural"Being defensive about sexual feedbackMaking all physical affection have to lead to sexChasing your partner (pursuit-distance trap)Not knowing your own bodyExpecting only spontaneous desire to be "real"Believing someone is broken or wrongFor each one, you'll learn why it backfires and exactly what to do instead. Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Depression tanks your libido. Then you finally get help with antidepressants—and your sex drive tanks even more. If this is you, you're not broken. You're dealing with a real, common side effect that nobody wants to talk about. In this episode, I break down the double whammy of depression and SSRIs on your sex life: how depression shuts down motivation (including for sex), why antidepressants compound the problem by affecting serotonin and dopamine, and how orgasm difficulties create a feedback loop that kills desire even further. I also share my personal story—how I dealt with depression, the mental scripts generating self-hatred that my brain was trying to protect me from, and how I got off meds through coaching and massive self-compassion work. Literally re-writing the thoughts in my head changed everything. We cover: what you can actually do about it (medication options, body-based approaches, relationship support), why this isn't your fault, and how to stop choosing between mental health and a satisfying sex life. Quick note: I'm not a medical doctor—this is educational, not medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about medication decisions. Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

If you're not tearing each other's matching pajamas off for holiday romance, you're not broken - you're normal. The holidays come with dreamy visions of mistletoe magic, but the reality is stress, family drama, overbooked schedules, and exhaustion. In this episode, we tackle: Why holiday pressure kills intimacyThe common patterns that widen desire gaps (and how to avoid them)Low-pressure ways to stay connected when libido is low or mismatchedHow to communicate without pressure if you're the higher-desire partnerHow to free yourself from holiday expectations if you're the lower-desire partnerHow to redefine holiday intimacy for your actual relationshipReal love doesn't care about picture-perfect presents. It cares about being seen, heard, and connected, even when life is messy. Perfect for those navigating desire and relationship challenges during the most stressful season of the year. Zero shame. Real help. Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Most people think the goal with mismatched libidos is making the lower-desire partner want more of the sex you've been having—or making the higher-desire partner want less. But that's not it.  And it wouldn't work anyway.  I walk through the actual goals when you're healing a desire gap. They boil down to maximizing sexual compatibility, emotional connection, and quality of communication, then deciding how to manage whatever gap, if any, is left over. This means focusing first on better quality sex, real emotional connection, and removing what's blocking desire. Then making clean decisions together. Plus, we'll talk about why magic bullets or quick fixes don't work, and what does.  Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

Feeling stuck, powerless, and like your needs don't matter? This episode is for you. A listener wrote: "I feel like you only talk about what the low-libido partner needs. What about me?" He's right—I needed to address this more directly. In this episode, I break down the "power imbalance" myth, clarify what you can reasonably expect in a monogamous relationship, and talk over the 5 real options when your partner refuses to work on your desire discrepancy. Your needs matter. You're not powerless. You have choices—they're just hard choices. We also cover what you can do RIGHT NOW to reclaim your agency. Topics: desire discrepancy, mismatched libido, sexless marriage, higher libido partner, relationship help Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

You think having sex when you don't really want to will keep your partner happy. But obligation sex actually destroys desire—and doesn't help either of you in the long run. Research shows that when you cross your own boundaries repeatedly this way, your desire drops even further. Resentment builds. And your partner can wind up feeling even more unwanted. I break down what actually happens with obligation sex, why it doesn't help either partner, and how to choose a different option that honors each person's truth while actually building (rather than eroding) connection. Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

You know your desire discrepancy is a problem. You've known for months, maybe years. So why haven't you done anything about it? It's not laziness or lack of care—it's your brain doing exactly what evolution designed it to do. Here's how to override it.  This episode helps you understand the neuroscience of "the comfortable pain trap," the real cost of waiting, and how to override your brain's resistance. Whether you're higher-desire or lower-desire, this episode will help you finally take action.  Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

If you have ADHD and your sex life feels challenging, you're not broken - your brain just works differently. Maybe you have super high libido and use sex or masturbation to feel at home in your body. Or maybe your libido is low because sex hasn't been working for your body or you're stuck in your head and you don't know why or how to fix it. Or maybe you're both, depending on the day. In this episode, we unpack why ADHD creates these extremes - from sex as self-medication to getting stuck in your head during sex to not knowing what your body actually needs. We also cover Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (why "not tonight" feels catastrophic) and emotional dysregulation (the intensity that confuses your partner). Whether you're the ADHD partner or the non-ADHD partner trying to understand, this episode will help you make sense of what's been happening. No shame, just clarity. First in a 4-part series on ADHD and desire gaps. Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/

You know you need to talk about your desire gap, but every time you try, it devolves into a fight. Someone gets defensive or spirals into shame, and you're right back where you started – or worse. In this episode, you get the exact framework for having the conversation that actually works to get you started on the road to solving your issues together. You'll learn how to check if you're calm enough for vulnerability, how to express your feelings without blame, how to hear your partner's pain without making it about your own inadequacy, and the step-by-step process for getting on the same team. This isn't theory – it's a practical, tested approach with real examples showing what conversations look like when you're adversarial versus when you're allied. You'll know exactly what to say, how to prepare, when to pause, and how to tell if it's working. Plus, clear signs for when you need outside help and what kind of support actually makes a difference. Special Course Announcement: limited time, last enrollment: Thriving Together, Couples Healing Attachment Patterns Through Touch A Groundbreaking 6-Week Live Online Workshop with Dr. Aline LaPierre & Dr. Laura Jurgens starts February 1, 2026 https://neuroaffectivetouch.com/thriving-together Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences (Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/ Read The Desire Gap Blog at https://laurajurgens.com/the-desire-gap-blog/