Advertise on podcast: Midlife with Brooke

Back in high school, Brooke tried out for the drill team and never once practiced the toe touch at the end of the routine. That moment became a lesson she's carried for years: so often we say "I'll do that later" about the things we value most, and life slips by while we wait. In this short pep talk, Brooke shares stories of women who stopped putting things off and started practicing, and invites you to pick one thing to move toward now. In this episode: Why we delay the things that matter most to usAssessing where you are so you can move forwardWhy it's never too late to change a relationship by changing yourselfInspiring stories of women learning piano, training for triathlons, climbing peaks, and learning new languagesHow to keep growing and connecting even in seasons of healingRemembering that we are creators who can build beautiful lives What is your toe touch? Now is the best time to start. Ready to go deeper? Brooke is starting a new Bridges small group coaching program. Email her at [email protected]. Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

Show Notes When our kids are little, we carry everything. Their jackets, their snacks, their backpacks. We even let them wipe wet hands on our pants. But as they grow, our part gets smaller, and that's exactly how it should be. In this episode, Brooke explores one simple question that can take the drama out of so many relationships: "What is my part?" Often we fall into one of two camps. We blame the other person for everything, or we take it all on ourselves. Neither is true. We always have some part, and so do they. Brooke shares a framed photograph she bought for her daughter-in-law's birthday and what happened when she invited her to be honest. She also shares a client's story about baby quilts, a spouse who goes quiet during hard times, and a grown child who asked Mom to stay in an Airbnb. In this episode: What is your part: your thoughts and the story you tell, your feelings and whether you're regulated, your tone and timing, unspoken expectations, and what you allowWhat is not your part: their feelings, choices, tastes, healing, timeline, and how they receive youWhy staying regulated matters when someone you love shuts downHow to walk the road with a child going through something hard without taking it overWhy the answer may look different each time, and the value of seeking revelation Questions to ask yourself: What story am I telling myself about this person?What do I expect that I've never said out loud?What could I simply ask instead of assume?What is mine to carry here?Who do I want to be in this relationship? Ready to go deeper? Brooke is starting a new Bridges small group coaching program. Email her at [email protected]. Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

What if you only need to gather enough for today? After attending the Restore Conference with my friend Kristen Rutter, I've been thinking about manna. In Exodus 16, the Lord provided bread from heaven for the Israelites, one day at a time. In this episode, I share what the rules of manna can teach us about inspiration, rest, and moving forward without knowing the outcome. I also share client stories of small daily choices that changed relationships, drop by drop. Reflection questions Where might manna be showing up in your life right now? Is there an impression you've been sitting on that might be starting to spoil? What's one small thing you could do today? Join Brooke's Nervous System Regulation Class Wednesday, October 7, from 12:00 to 2:00 PM Mountain Time, online. Learn what happens in your body when you feel dysregulated and how to bring yourself back to a calm, grounded place so you can respond in ways you feel good about. Come live or get the recording to keep forever. $25. Register at the link below. https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/ Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

What if fear only exists in the future? When the thing we're afraid of actually shows up, it stops being a fear and becomes a problem to be solved. And you've solved every problem that has come your way so far. In this episode, Brooke shares why our primitive brain keeps offering us "what ifs," and how our adult brain can step in, calm things down, and remind us that we'll figure it out. She walks through the story of Enoch in Moses 6 and 7, a young man who felt slow of speech and unliked, and who grew into someone whose words moved mountains. She also shares a client who started with a small tiling project and worked her way up to remodeling her whole living room, becoming a different person along the way. In this episode: Why fear resides in the future and problems live in the presentThe Bible Dictionary line that says God has been teaching us not to fear ever since the FallEnoch's calling and how his capacity grew as he stepped forward in faithA client's home improvement journey and why real questions come once you beginLearning to ride a bike as a picture of how capacity grows through practiceTheodore Roosevelt's "Man in the Arena" quote, shared by Brené Brown in Daring GreatlyBrooke's own experience launching a program that nobody signed up for, and choosing to keep goingTrusting God with our fears for our children and loved ones A question to consider this week: What's one small thing you could try to move forward, even though it feels scary? Join Brooke's Nervous System Regulation Class Wednesday, October 7, from 12:00 to 2:00 PM Mountain Time, online. Learn what happens in your body when you feel dysregulated and how to bring yourself back to a calm, grounded place so you can respond in ways you feel good about. Come live or get the recording to keep forever. $25. Register at the link below. https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/ Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

Today I'm talking about a topic I bring up with clients all the time: scarcity versus abundance. We live in a world that tells us there's not enough, not enough time, money, love, recognition. But I've found abundance everywhere I look, in a peach tree that keeps producing every year, in free YouTube tutorials, in the way my heart kept growing with each new baby. I share three practices that have helped me live more abundantly: quit keeping score, love whoever comes, and believe there's enough love to go around. I also talk honestly about the times I still feel left out or hurt, and how I work through it. Join me for a live online class on regulating your nervous system on Wednesday, October 7th, noon to 2pm MT. Recording available if you can't make it live. You can register at this link: https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/ Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

In the episode, Lenee Fuelling shares the definition of ambiguous loss and many examples of how it shows up in our lives. She lays out her framework for holding ambiguous loss. Notice and name it — Recognize that what you're feeling is a real, legitimate loss, and normalize it. Ambiguous losses are often hidden or unrecognized, even to ourselves, so just naming them brings them "into the light and into the air."Find space to grieve — Make room to sit with the loss, whether through journaling, reflection, or talking with a trusted friend or community. Grieving is what helps "unstick" things so we can adapt and move forward.Practice both/and thinking — Hold two things at once: sadness and gratitude, grief and love. You can be genuinely sad about a loss while also receiving the good that's still present.Look for new meaning — Ask "what does this mean to me right now?" and recognize that meaning shifts over time. What felt devastating years ago may carry a different meaning today.Discover hope through gratitude for ambiguous gains — Notice what's been gained alongside the loss. Lenee's example: her dad's brain injury caused deep pain, but it also led her to research ambiguous loss and find healing and appreciation for what her family has gone through. Connect with Lenee: Instagram: leneefuel Facebook: Lenee Fuelling Learn More Join my newsletter, book a free session, read the blog, get more free content at: www.brookeoniki.com

This week Brooke steps away from teaching to just tell you about her week. A flashing school zone light that shouldn't have been on. A lost boy on the side of the road. A laugh-filled walk with a friend. A pickleball loss that still felt like a win. A chance conversation with a church service missionary. None of it dramatic, but Brooke makes the case that this is exactly where God shows up, if we're watching for it. In this episode: Why instigating relationships, instead of waiting to be asked, opens more doors for connectionThe nightstand habit that's changed her mornings and eveningsThe six-second kiss (a concept from researcher John Gottman) and what it does for a marriageHolding joy and disappointment in the same week without one canceling out the other Join Brooke's class on regulating your nervous system, Thursday, September 10th at the South Jordan Community Center. $25. You can register here! https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/

Today I'm talking with Camden Hainsworth, a certified ADHD coach who was diagnosed herself at 36, has children with ADHD, and has spent the last several years helping people understand and work with their ADHD brains instead of fighting them. We talk about what ADHD actually is (it's a difference, not a deficiency), why the nervous system of someone with ADHD can feel like a wobbly skateboard heading downhill, and how that shows up in everyday stress. Camden shares her own diagnosis story, what it was like parenting through burnout before she understood her own brain, and how she coaches parents of grown children with ADHD who want to help without overstepping. We also get into the difference between helping and enabling, what a repair conversation looks like after a blow up, and why autonomy matters so much for someone with an ADHD brain. Camden leaves us with a powerful reframe: ADHD is a disability, and when we understand it that way, we stop expecting someone to just try harder and start building real support around them. If you parent, coach, or love someone with ADHD, whether they're seven or thirty seven, this conversation will give you language and tools you can use right away. In this episode: What actually happens in an ADHD brain under stressThe skateboard metaphor for understanding nervous system regulationHow to support an adult child with ADHD without taking over their lifeThe difference between helping and enablingWhat a genuine repair conversation looks like after conflictWhy ADHD is best understood as a disability, and why that reframe matters Connect with Camden: Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-busy-brained-saint-podcast/id1647973464 Instagram: @kamden_adhd Website: https://www.kamdenadhdcoaching.com/ Also mentioned in this episode: Join us for my in person class on nervous system regulation, September 10th at the South Jordan Community Center. Link to register https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/ Let me know if you'd like a shorter version for social captions, or if you want me to pull a few standalone quote graphics from the conversation.

Five things I've learned working in the Utah State Prison: People are good. Treating people with respect, even when their problems seem small compared to what they're facing, opens the door to real connection.We are not our worst mistake. That mistake is part of our story, but it doesn't have to define who we are.Extending grace to others helps us move toward our own healing. The inmates who let go of anger toward their parents seem to move forward more easily.We always have the power to choose. Kindness, our language, whether we fight. We don't have to wait for some future date to start living what we value.Real change is about you and your relationship with God, not about convincing other people you've changed. Lasting change comes from wanting to be different, not from proving it to someone else. Also mentioned: Join Brooke for a live in person class on nervous system regulation, Thursday, September 10th at the South Jordan Community Center. $25. You can learn more about it and sign up here: https://brookeoniki.com/emotional-regulation-workshop/

The Mother-in-Law Series: When It's Hard This is the last episode in my five part series on being a mother-in-law. If you've listened to the other four and felt a wince here or there, this one is for you. Even if things have been hard for a long time, it isn't too late to change. We can't change our daughter-in-law or son-in-law. The only thing we can really work on is ourselves. Here are five places to start. 1. Process your own emotions. Disappointment and hurt don't go away just because we push them aside. Sit with the feeling, journal about it, pray about it. Let yourself actually feel it so it can move through you instead of getting stuck. 2. Revisit the story you're telling yourself. Our brain looks for evidence to prove whatever we already believe. If the story is "we never recovered," our brain will keep finding proof of that. We get to ask if that's still the story we want to tell. 3. Work on emotional regulation. Staying in a regulated nervous system lets us respond with curiosity instead of reacting out of hurt or fear. This is what allows us to stay consistent and warm even when a relationship feels hard. 4. Take an honest look in the mirror. Not to beat ourselves up, but to notice patterns we might not see otherwise. Are we easy to be around? Are we curious about her life? 5. Decide how you want to handle it. Some things we choose to let go of. Some are worth talking through, either directly or with a coach or neutral party first. Either way, check your motives. Are you trying to win, or trying to connect? Mentioned in this episode: Episode 6, "When the Story Hurts, Start With the Facts" Joseph Grenny's quote, Unprocessed emotions don't go away, they go to the basement and lift weights." Announcements: Local class on nervous system regulation, Thursday, September 10th, 7 to 9pm in South Jordan, Utah. $25. You can register at https://buy.stripe.com/5kQeVd7wsfZC4wXdYm2kw0M Retreat in Alta, September 17th through 19th. Brooke is the keynote speaker. $250. Email [email protected] for details. Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

The Mother-in-Law Series: New Traditions Welcome to week four of the Mother-in-Law Series. If you haven't caught the earlier episodes, go back and start with weddings. And if you're new here, one of the women I interviewed said something I keep coming back to: joining a family is like moving to another country. You don't know the customs, the language, or the traditions. So we get to decide, will we be the friendly local, or border control? This week is about new traditions, and why welcoming someone in means more than folding her into the way things have always been done. In this episode: Seeing a daughter-in-law's arrival as a gain instead of a loss, and how that shifts everything elseThe Christmas stocking and matching pajamas story: small effort, huge messageA mother-in-law with only sons who started making Easter bonnets with her daughters-in-lawHolding the purpose of a tradition tightly and the format loosely, including how our Christmas date, our vacations, and even our old scripture study tradition have evolved over the yearsReleasing the ledger: why things don't have to be even, and why scorekeeping adds stress instead of connectionHonoring her family too, including a story about getting to know my son-in-law's family before he and my daughter moved to DCBrookefest, my own tradition of one-on-one time with each of my kids and their spouses, and other ideas for building a relationship that's just between the two of you My question for you this week: what tradition might you need to bend to be more accommodating, and what new one could you start? Next week is the final episode in this series, and it's for anyone whose relationship already feels hard. If that's you, don't miss it. Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

The Mother-in-Law Series: Service That Actually HelpsMidlife with Brooke, Episode 3 of 5 We are back for week three of the mother-in-law series. We started with weddings, then talked about being the fun aunt instead of another mother. This week is all about service, the kind that actually helps and the kind that (even with the best intentions) can create distance instead of connection. As I was preparing for this episode I interviewed women in their late 20s to early 30s about their mother-in-law relationships, and their stories shaped everything we talk about today. One line has stuck with me through this whole series: joining a new family is like moving to another country. As the mother-in-law we get to decide if we are the friendly local who helps someone acclimate, or border control. In this episodeOne size doesn't fit all. My mom used to come over and immediately start doing dishes and laundry, asking me where everything went, and my anxiety would spike every time. My sisters loved that same instinct in her. Same mom, same desire to serve, completely different reactions. Help is not received as intended. It is received as it is interpreted. Be mindful about your reasons for helping. I share a story about a client whose daughter in law kept a messy house. She would clean every time she visited, only to come back to a mess again. Eventually we realized the real question was not "how do I get her to keep it clean," it was "am I serving her, or am I trying to make her into someone more comfortable for me." Believe them. If she tells you she does not need help in the kitchen, believe her. If your kids ask you to scale back on Christmas gifts, believe them too. I talk about my own tendency to overbuy and why that usually comes from scarcity, not love. Tell the truth back. Believing them goes both directions. I share a recent moment with my son, where being honest about what would actually help me (instead of just saying yes to watching my granddaughter) built more trust, not less. Do some quiet noticing. Filling up a gas tank. Washing the suitcase full of dirty clothes before the grandkids go home. A text that says "you're doing such a great job." These small, unrequested things often land more than the grand gestures. Honor her boundaries, even the ones that do not make sense to you. I tell the story of a friend who babysits her grandkids full time and gets a long list of rules from her daughter. Her response: if you want a daycare provider, hire one, but I am the grandma, and sometimes we are going to have ice cream for breakfast. Boundaries take honesty on both sides, and they take a regulated nervous system to talk through well. A question to sit withWhat is one thing I could quietly notice this month to support my daughter in law? RecapOne size doesn't fit allBe mindful about your reasons for helpingBelieve themBe honest when they ask your true feelingsDo some quiet noticingHonor boundaries and communicate with love Connect with BrookeJoin my newsletter at www.brookeoniki.com/sign-up/

This is week two of a five part series on our relationship with our daughters-in-law. Last week we talked about weddings. If you missed it, you can go back and listen to that one too! This week is about a shift in how we think about our role. One of my daughters told me an idea that really resonated with me. She said a daughter-in-law isn't looking for another mother. She already has one. What she's looking for is more like a fun aunt. Someone who's interested in her, who enjoys her company, who doesn't carry any expectations. I talk about what that actually looks like. What it means to step back from being the expert on our sons, even when we genuinely think our experience could help. I share a story a friend told me about trying to pass on everything she'd learned about her son's struggles to his new wife, and how that landed differently than she expected. We also get into some real, practical ideas. Texts that feel like support instead of pressure. Small gestures that say I see you as your own person. And a few sweet stories from the young women I interviewed. If you want weekly thoughts like this sent straight to your inbox, head to brookeoniki.com and join my newsletter. It's called Real Moms, Real Talk, and I'd love to have you there.

Welcome to the first episode of my Mother-in-Law Series. In preparation, I interviewed women in their mid 20s to early 30s about their mothers-in-law, and one of them said something profound: joining a new family is like moving to another country. You don't know the customs or the language. So we (as the mothers-in-law) get to decide, will I be a friendly local or border control? In this 5 episode series, we're starting with weddings, because that's often where this relationship begins, and where hurt feelings can begin too. I share my own wedding regret: I tried so hard not to burden my mom that she ended up feeling left out, and it took us years to talk about it. In this episode: Why there's pain on both sides of wedding planning, and why it's usually a communication gap, not a character flawTaking care of your own emotional needs first so you're not easily derailedA client's mid-wedding turnaround, and the question that changed her day: who do I want to be in this relationship?You're not the first family anymore. If you want to work on a marriage, work on the one you're in.Grace from every angle, including for the bride whose brain isn't fully done cooking yetEvery wedding is different: ask, then believe the answers If a past wedding still stings, stick with me. Episode 5 of this series is for you. Free Resources: Visit www.brookeoniki.com and click "Free Resources" for short videos on how to stop spiraling thoughts, how to reconnect after a hard interaction with your child, and how to calm an elevated nervous system. A new Bridges group just started! Learn more about group coaching, or book a consult call to explore private coaching, at www.brookeoniki.com . Click the "Work with Me" tab!

Two inmates. The same caseworker. One thinks she's amazing; the other thinks she shouldn't even have a job. So which is it? In this episode, I share stories from my coaching classes at the Utah State Prison that perfectly illustrate one of the most foundational principles in coaching: our thoughts — not our circumstances — create our feelings. The same sentencing, the same caseworker, the same camping trip, the same child, the same bank account can produce completely different emotional experiences depending on the thoughts we choose to have about them. But here's what this episode is not about: rushing to swap your thought for a shinier one. Before we ever change a thought, we need awareness of what our current thoughts are creating for us — in our relationships, our identity, and the meaning we give to our lives. In this episode, you'll learn: Why circumstances (a sentencing, a caseworker, a "difficult" child) are neutral until we have a thought about themThe important caveat: thoughts create feelings in a regulated nervous system — and why we need to calm down before we can access our adult brainWhy "thoughts are optional" doesn't mean lying to yourself or pretending everything is rainbows and daisiesHow our thoughts become self-fulfilling prophecies — like the mom who was grumpy with her "grumpy" daughterHow thoughts confirm our existing beliefs, so our brain only gathers evidence for what we already thinkThe three areas where heavy thoughts do the most damage: our relationships, our identity stories ("it's too late for me to change"), and the meaning we load onto circumstancesWhy sitting with a thought — on paper or in prayer — is where the transformation actually begins Your invitation this week: pick one relationship that isn't going well and ask yourself, "What are my predominant thoughts about this person, and how do those thoughts make me feel? Is that how I want to feel toward them?" Resources mentioned: Free Resources: Visit www.brookeoniki.com and click "Free Resources" for short videos on how to stop spiraling thoughts, how to reconnect after a hard interaction with your child, and how to calm an elevated nervous system. A new Bridges group just started! Learn more about group coaching, or book a consult call to explore private coaching, at www.brookeoniki.com . Click the "Work with Me" tab! Join the Newsletter: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8