Advertise on podcast: Mr Morton's Barmy Book of Bonkers Bits: Funny Stories for Kids

Ever seen a baby pigeon? Not a tiny, fluffy one. Not even one nicking chips outside the station. Suspicious, isn’t it? When a pigeon invades Mr Morton’s bookshop, Brian finds a book asking why nobody ever sees baby pigeons. There’s a sensible explanation involving squabs and nests. Then there’s Dr Gerald Peck’s theory: a secret pigeon factory beneath Trafalgar Square, flat pigeons, an Inflation Department and a rigorous course in chip theft. Join Mr Morton and Brian for a bonkers investigation in this episode of Mr Morton’s Barmy Book of Bonkers Bits, the children’s comedy podcast where facts are questionable and the truth has a habit of getting rather silly. Got a bonkers theory of your own? Send it to the Bonkers Postbox at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Harry Plimpton had the saddest eyes in town. In fact, they were so sad that eventually the town decided something had to be done. Their solution? Find the cutest, saddest-looking dog they could and put it outside Harry’s house. What follows is an increasingly ridiculous battle to discover who can look the most miserable, as Harry refuses to be out-sadded by a dog. A funny children’s audio story about sad faces, stubbornness and what can happen when you take a staring contest much too seriously. Which animal do you think has the saddest-looking eyes? Tell us through the Bonkers Postbox at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Humans have been putting things on their heads for thousands of years. But why? And who looked at a head and thought, “That needs a hat”? To celebrate Mad Hatter Day, Mr Morton opens the Barmy Book on the completely true history of hats, from ancient headwear and very questionable Vikings to some of the strangest things ever balanced above a pair of ears. It’s a ridiculous rummage through hats, history and facts that may have become slightly bent out of shape along the way. What’s the most ridiculous hat you can imagine? Send it to the Bonkers Postbox at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

When you’ve got a cold, you might feel miserable. But somewhere inside you, the Snotburgers could be having the holiday of a lifetime. Nine-year-old Jimmy Snotburger has been given some holiday homework, so he’s writing down everything his family got up to: drumming, water slides, dodgems, slime workshops and a suspicious number of wet towels. But as the week goes on, their lovely warm, damp resort starts changing… and some very efficient people in white uniforms have arrived. A funny children’s audio story about colds, family holidays and what might really be happening inside your nose. Where should the Snotburgers go on holiday next? Send your idea to the Bonkers Postbox at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Wombats do cube-shaped poos. Minecraft is made of blocks. Coincidence? Professor Derek Wombat-Smythe thinks not. Mr Morton and Brian venture into the Aisle of Totally Ridiculous and Possibly Not True to discover the astonishing history of wombat cubes, from Australian explorers and extremely questionable dice to the mysterious origins of one of the world’s biggest computer games. It’s a ridiculous investigation involving wombats, Minecraft, poo, architecture and a deeply underappreciated wombat called Brenda. Do you know a fact that sounds far too bonkers to be true? Send it to the Bonkers Postbox at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Ollie has brought the best ice cream in the world to school. There’s just one problem. By break time, it has melted into a tub of brown goo. But when Raff decides to call it Ice Cream Soup, things take a turn. Soon the whole school is adding sprinkles, chocolate, marshmallows and something called “cone croutons” to the strangest dessert anyone has ever tasted. Ice Cream Soup is a funny story for kids about friendship, imagination and what happens when a terrible idea turns out to be delicious. Got a bonkers story idea of your own? Send it to the Bonkers Postbox at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

What happens when you put a giraffe on a submarine? Probably best not to ask the Navy. Mr Morton has discovered a mysterious new section of the Bookshop, and inside it he meets Brian, a very hungry bookworm with a taste for punctuation and a nose for a good story. Together they open Giraffes: The Naval Years and discover the astonishing tale of giraffes, submarines, sailors and one rather serious problem with having an enormous neck at sea. This is the first trip down the Aisle of Totally Ridiculous and Possibly Not True, a funny fact-filled adventure for kids where everything is completely true... except the bits that aren’t. Got a bonkers fact, question or story idea? Send it to the Bonkers Postbox at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

There are twenty-eight places on the Bug Rug. Leo has counted them. Twice. Unfortunately, there are twenty-nine children who want to sit on it. What begins as a perfectly ordinary fight for space soon becomes a full-scale struggle involving elbows, knees, increasingly complicated negotiations and a rug that suddenly seems much, much smaller than it did five minutes ago. The Battle of the Bug Rug is a funny story for kids about sharing, stubbornness and what happens when everybody decides they absolutely must have the same tiny patch of carpet. Got a brilliantly bonkers idea for a story? Send it to the Bonkers Postbox at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Mr Morton is back. After quite a lot of walking, several wrong turns, one extremely rude goose and a sandwich he would rather not discuss, Mr Morton has finally returned to the Bookshop. And he's brought stories. The doors open again on 1 September with brand new funny stories for kids, ridiculous characters, peculiar facts and considerably more nonsense than is probably sensible. This time, you can help fill the shelves too. Got a ridiculous title, a strange character, a useless superpower or an idea that simply won't leave you alone? Send it through the Bonkers Postbox at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com. Follow the Barmy Book wherever you listen, and we'll see you back in the Bookshop very soon.

The Hunting of Bonkers Bits: a special kids storytelling podcast episode about where stories actually come from People often ask Mr Morton where he gets his stories. Actually, that is not true. People mostly ask where the toilet is. But sometimes, after they have found the toilet, bought a book, and stopped their toddler eating the bookmarks, they ask about the stories. And the answer is not what you might expect. He does not write them. Not at first. He hunts them. He traps them. He tickles them out of hiding. He chases them through hedges and hooks them from holes and plucks them from peculiar places where sensible people never think to look. In this special episode, Mr Morton opens the bookshop door and takes listeners along on a story hunt. There are accidental stories overheard in queues and bakeries where the buns gossip. There are family stories, chewier and older, that have picked up extra elbows and moustaches being passed from aunt to cousin to neighbour and back again. There are playground stories that must be caught early before they grow too many legs. There is a woman above a clock shop who reads six ancient languages and one sort of goat. There is a three-tailed cat sitting on a hidden book who charges one sandwich, one wrapper, and one button for the privilege of looking underneath it. And then Mr Morton has an announcement. The Barmy Book is feeling thin. The shelves need restocking. The stories need hunting. Which means the bookshop will be closing its doors for a short while, as Mr Morton heads out into the world with his purple coat, his torch, his notebook, and a sandwich for anything with teeth. The sign on the door will read: CLOSED FOR STORY HUNTING. BACK ON THE 1ST OF SEPTEMBER 2026 WHEN THE NONSENSE HAS BEEN NETTED. This funny kids podcast episode is perfect for families who love fun children's stories about imagination, for audio stories for children that celebrate the magic of listening, and for anyone who wants to know what Mr Morton gets up to when he is not behind the counter. It is warm, funny, and quietly about something true. The best stories are not just for the eyes. They are for the ears. And if you listen hard enough, one day it will be your turn to catch one too. Episode length: approximately 10 minutesAges: 4 to 400Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, after school wind downMr Morton returns on the 1st of September 2026 with a fresh armful of brand new Barmy Books of Bonkers Bits. Hit subscribe now so you are first to know when the bookshop opens its doors again. And while you are waiting, plenty of stories are still on the shelves at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com. In the meantime, if a rude spoon, a whispering bush, or a suspiciously well-informed goose offers you a story, write it down at once.

Maya and the Emergency Spoon: a funny kids storytelling podcast about big feelings, emergency systems, and kitchen catastrophes Maya Peck has a system. When things get too big and too loud and too much, Mum opens the kitchen cupboard, takes out the peanut butter, and hands over one spoonful. Not on toast. Not in a sandwich. On a spoon. It does not fix things. It does not make maths less insulting or brothers less annoying. It just makes everything feel less enormous. The system is excellent. Until school goes nut free. Now Maya needs a replacement emergency spoon. And her brother Dylan, who is seven, full of bad ideas, and currently wearing his school tie round his head for reasons nobody can explain, has decided to help. What follows is one of the funniest fun kids stories about feelings, coping, and the sort of kitchen disaster that makes parents stand in the doorway saying nothing for several seconds because nothing is the only reasonable response. Things go wrong in ways that escalate magnificently. Something gets stuck to the cooker hood. The cat leaves in disgust. And at some point Maya willingly puts liverwurst in a bowl, which tells you everything about where the afternoon has ended up. This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who feel things very loudly, for families who recognise the particular chaos of trying to solve an emotional problem with food science, and for anyone who has ever had a coping system and worried what happens when it disappears. Children will love the kitchen carnage and Dylan's catastrophic helpfulness. Parents will recognise the moment Mum walks in and surveys the damage in absolute silence. Episode length: approximately 14 minutesAges: 4 to 400Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, after school wind downPress play. The peanut butter is on the table. Dylan has just found the honey, the syrup, and the jam. Maya has not yet made the decision she is about to make. But she is getting there. More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Granny Wars: a hilarious kids storytelling podcast episode about family, rivalry, and the most dangerous question a baby can ask When a new baby is on the way, everybody has questions. Is it a boy or a girl? What will you call it? Will anyone sleep ever again? These are the ordinary ones. The ones everybody thinks about. But there is another question. A much more dangerous one. What will the grandparents be called? Sophie's two grandmothers-to-be get on brilliantly. They go for coffee together. They swap recipes. They once spent an entire Saturday choosing curtains and came back even more cheerful than when they left. So when the baby news arrives, everyone is delighted. Hugging. Crying. Cheering. And then, at exactly the same moment, both women say: I shall be Granny. And that is where the trouble starts. What follows is one of the funniest fun kids stories about family rivalry ever told. There are WhatsApp battles with increasingly unhinged display names. There are branded baby gifts, towering competition cakes, and lullabies that escalate from a gentle hum to a full choir with a man called Dennis who looks absolutely terrified. There are campaign leaflets, tote bags, rosettes, and an actual debate staged in the sitting room with a folded ironing board as the podium. And then, somehow, things get considerably more serious than that. This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love family chaos, for parents who will recognise every single moment, and for anyone who has ever watched two people compete over something with absolute dedication and zero self-awareness. Children will love the escalating absurdity. Grandparents will feel personally seen. Parents will feel exhausted just listening. Episode length: approximately 14 minutesAges: 4 to 400Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, family gatherings where this sort of thing has happenedPress play. The grandmothers have just said Granny at exactly the same time. Dad has just taken a very big breath. This is going to take a while. More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

Three Billy Goats Buff: a hilarious kids storytelling podcast episode about trolls, vanity, and catastrophic protein shakes Everyone knows the story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. Three goats. One bridge. One troll. A lot of trip-trapping. The goats won. The troll lost. Everyone went home. But that was then. Because once you have defeated a troll under a bridge in a dramatic and very public way, people remember. Word spreads. And the Three Billy Goats Gruff decide that Gruff, while solid, while heroic, while undeniably a serious word, is simply not enough anymore. What they need is to become something bigger. Something bolder. Something impossible to scroll past. What they need is to become Buff. What follows is one of the funniest fun kids stories about vanity, social media, and the particular madness of trying to impress someone who will never be impressed. There are protein shakes made from things that should never be combined. There are muscles appearing in the wrong places. There are internet trolls doing what internet trolls do. And there is a chicken who ends the whole thing in a way that nobody sees coming. This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love fairy tales twisted sideways, for families who enjoy clever comedy with something quietly true underneath, and for anyone who has ever tried too hard to look impressive and made everything considerably worse. Children will love the escalating absurdity and the deeply satisfying ending. Parents will recognise everything the goats are doing and feel personally called out. Episode length: approximately 13 minutesAges: 4 to 400Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, after school wind downPress play. The Three Billy Goats Buff are live under the bridge and taking questions. The chicken has just arrived. Nothing will ever be the same. More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

The Pencil That Drew Tomorrow: a funny kids storytelling podcast about a magic pencil and catastrophically bad decisions Oliver Pike has forgotten his pencil again. This is not unusual. Oliver forgets quite a lot of things. PE socks. Reading books. His coat on a day when it is snowing sideways. But pencils are the main one. So when Mr Spindle hands him the last spare from his drawer, a battered, tooth-marked, slightly bent thing that has clearly survived several arguments, Oliver does what any irritated ten-year-old might do. He draws something in the margin of his maths book that he probably should not have drawn. The next morning, Mr Spindle arrives at school looking noticeably different. What follows is one of the funniest fun kids stories about wish fulfilment gone spectacularly wrong. Oliver discovers that whatever he draws becomes real the next day. He starts sensibly. Then he starts thinking bigger. Then he stops thinking altogether. And by the end of the week he is being called Britain's youngest entrepreneur by adults who have never met him, his face is on a billboard over the bypass, and someone wants to know whether he would prefer Tokyo, New York, or Dubai for the launch. This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love magic with consequences, for families who enjoy clever comedy that builds to glorious chaos, and for anyone who has ever wanted something badly and then discovered wanting it was the best part. Children will love the escalating mayhem and the deeply satisfying ending. Parents will recognise the particular horror of getting exactly what you wished for. Episode length: approximately 14 minutesAges: 4 to 400Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, after school wind downPress play. Oliver has just picked up the pencil. He has absolutely no idea what he is about to draw. Neither does Mr Spindle. Although Mr Spindle is about to find out. More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.

The Boy Who Sneezed Through Time: a funny kids storytelling podcast about hayfever, headteachers, and accidental time travel Milo Crumb hates spring. While everyone else goes misty-eyed about fresh air and new beginnings, Milo goes misty-eyed for a completely different reason. Spring puts yellow dust on everything. Spring makes his nose feel as if someone has tickled it from the inside with a feather dipped in pepper. And this spring is the worst yet. The problem is Mr Grindle. The headteacher has one rule above all others. More important than no running. More important than no chewing gum. More important than the mysterious and never-explained ban on satsumas. No noise in the corridors. And Milo is standing right beside him with a sneeze that has been gathering itself all morning and has now decided it is in charge. What happens next takes Milo somewhere he absolutely did not expect to go. Several somewheres, in fact. Each one stranger than the last. Each one containing a version of Mr Grindle that is somehow both familiar and deeply wrong. This funny bedtime story for kids is perfect for audio stories for children who love time travel, ridiculous authority figures, and the deeply satisfying idea that a sneeze might be the most powerful force in the universe. Children will love the chaotic leaps through time. Parents will recognise the particular dread of trying very hard not to make a noise at exactly the wrong moment. Everyone will enjoy the ending, which arrives with the help of a new headteacher, a jar of menthols, and a school that finally learns to breathe. Episode length: approximately 15 minutesAges: 4 to 400Best enjoyed: bedtime, car journeys, hayfever seasonPress play. Join Milo and his catastrophic hayfever in a kids storytelling podcast that is funny, surprising, and unexpectedly moving for a story about sneezing. More stories at MrMortonsBarmyBook.com.