Advertise on podcast: The RISE to Intimacy Podcast | Sex Therapy, Couples Therapy & Relationships

You're struggling with your sex life, you're desperately missing your partner, and every time you try to talk about it, they change the subject, get irritated, or simply stay silent. Eventually, you stop bringing it up, even though the wanting hasn't gone away. In that silence, your mind starts filling in the gaps with assumptions you haven't checked for accuracy, leaving you wondering whether you're incompatible, whether your partner still loves you, or whether this is the beginning of the end. When your partner won't talk about sex, it's easy to start treating their silence as proof that something is wrong with your relationship. You may not realize how much your own beliefs about sex and compatibility are shaping those conclusions, or that your partner may be carrying an entirely different story about what's happening between you. Meanwhile, you may be grieving the sexual connection you once had, or the one you hoped you'd have together, while still sharing your everyday life with your partner. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how our beliefs about sex and compatibility shape the way we respond when intimacy becomes difficult, and why your partner might be avoiding the conversation altogether. I share ways to recognize and reframe the assumptions you're making so you can approach your partner with more curiosity and less pressure. We also talk about the grief that can come with losing sexual connection and how to think about the future of your relationship if you've made a genuine effort to address what's happening and your partner still won't engage. 2:28 – The beliefs about sex and compatibility that shape your response when intimacy gets difficult 4:16 – Treating your partner's silence as evidence that your relationship is failing 5:04 – What research reveals about sexual satisfaction and believing your sex life can improve 6:28 – The fears that may be making conversations about sex difficult for your partner 7:55 – Recognizing and reframing the assumptions you're making about your partner's silence 9:11 – Inviting your partner to talk about sex without creating pressure 10:32 – Grieving the loss of sexual connection while you're still together 12:41 – Deciding whether you're sexually incompatible when your partner won't discuss your sex life 14:06 – Setting boundaries and considering whether you can still feel fulfilled in your relationship Mentioned In How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Shuts Down Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You're Not Actually Criticizing Them How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships Sign up for The Quickie Upcoming 6-Week Live Online Couples Relationship Boot Camp Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

You bring up something small with your partner. Maybe it’s the trash that still hasn’t gone out, something they shared in front of friends, or a moment where you felt dismissed. You’re trying to talk about one specific thing, and suddenly you’re hearing, “I can’t do anything right.” When your partner gets defensive like this, the conversation can quickly shift away from what you were actually trying to address. Sometimes the way something is brought up does matter. Leading with “you always” or “you never,” criticizing your partner’s character, or telling them how they made you feel can set them up to go on the defense. Other times, even when you bring something up carefully, your partner may still experience the complaint as a threat to who they are, and that can show up as denying, rationalizing, shutting down, or moving into a shame spiral. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why defensiveness can take over a conversation even when you’re trying to communicate carefully. I talk about the difference between a complaint and a criticism, what happens when feedback starts to feel like a threat to your sense of self, and how attachment can affect the way you respond. I also share what each of you can do differently so the original concern actually gets addressed instead of turning into a second conflict layered on top of the first. 3:41 – Tone and delivery mistakes that can put your partner on the defensive 5:00 – The difference between a complaint and a criticism 7:59 – When defensiveness causes the original issue to get lost 10:46 – “Spitting versus chewing” and reflexively rejecting feedback 11:50 – What a shame spiral looks like in a relationship 15:54 – Identity threat and why feedback can feel personal 16:46 – Anxious and avoidant attachment responses to feedback 18:52 – Acknowledgment, validation, and mirroring to reduce defensiveness Mentioned In Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

You can be talking to your partner about the same relationship and interpret the conversation completely differently. I learned that recently when I told my partner, Dallas, I was feeling disconnected and found out he heard that very differently than I intended it. Neither of us knew there was a misunderstanding until we actually talked about what that word meant to each of us. While I spend my days talking about sex and relationships as a couples therapist, Dallas didn’t grow up talking about feelings and certainly didn’t learn to do it during his time in the Marine Corps. We have very different levels of comfort with some of these conversations, so we’ve had to keep talking through what we each mean and what we need from each other. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, Dallas joins me to answer relationship questions about sex and connection from Reddit. We start with aftercare and what partners may need from each other after sex, then get into emotional connection and why deeper conversations can feel so uncomfortable. We also share how these conversations have shown up in our own relationship and what we’ve learned from having them together. 1:13 - Answering Reddit relationship questions with Valerie’s partner, Dallas 3:06 - What aftercare can look like and how to ask your partner what they want after sex 6:06 - How Valerie and Dallas realized they meant very different things by “feeling disconnected” 10:02 - What someone may mean when they need emotional connection before sex 13:26 - Can you get an avoidant partner to have deeper, more honest conversations? 15:45 - How Dallas became more comfortable talking about feelings and vulnerability 18:41 - Why difficult conversations trigger defensiveness and how responding gently can build trust 19:51 - What happened when Dallas shared something deeply vulnerable with Valerie 22:19 - How deeper communication changed the way Dallas experiences their relationship Mentioned In Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection How Erectile Dysfunction Is a Nervous System Response Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

You found porn on your partner’s phone, and now you’re wondering if watching porn is cheating or if you’re overreacting. Or maybe you’re the one whose partner found it, and you genuinely don’t understand why something you never considered cheating suddenly feels like betrayal to them. Either way, you can end up arguing about a question neither of you ever actually said out loud. That’s why couples can so easily talk past each other when it comes to porn. One person is focused on the fact that no touching happened and no one else was in the room. The other is focused on sexual arousal happening outside the relationship and the fact that it was kept from them. When you’ve never talked about what porn means in your relationship, that silence can create a gap between what each of you thought you had agreed to. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down three common myths about porn in relationships, including whether it counts as cheating, whether it harms relationships, and whether regular use means addiction. I also explain what the research actually tells us about when porn creates problems and how to have the conversation that may have needed to happen much earlier. 3:19 - Myth #1: watching porn is either always cheating or never cheating 4:33 - The unspoken assumption almost every couple carries about porn 5:26 - Myth #2: watching porn is bad for relationships across the board 6:40 - The pattern that predicts whether porn will harm your relationship 7:26 - Myth #3: watching porn means you have or are developing an addiction 8:55 - The biggest predictor of whether someone believes they're "addicted" to porn 10:23 - Three things that tie all these myths together (and actually do the relationship damage that porn gets blamed for) 11:54 - Four tips on how you can have a real conversation about porn in your relationship with your partner Mentioned In Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship? Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

You want to work on your sex life. Your partner wants to work on communication. When you are coming into couples therapy focused on different problems, it can be hard to know where you are supposed to begin. And if each of you already feels like your concern has been overlooked, even deciding what therapy should focus on can turn into another argument. Different goals for couples therapy do not necessarily mean you want different things from the relationship. You may both want to feel closer, but have very different ideas about what needs to change first. When each person starts trying to prove that their concern matters more, choosing a goal for therapy can become another version of the conflict you are already having. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell whether you and your partner actually want different outcomes or simply disagree about where to begin. I also look at how communication, conflict, affection, and sexual intimacy can become part of the same cycle, and how to choose a shared starting point without treating one partner’s concern as more legitimate than the other. 2:19 - Why wanting better communication and wanting more sex may be more connected than they seem 5:16 - What “I want more sex” or “I want better communication” may actually mean to each partner 7:30 - How to tell if you want different things from the relationship or simply disagree about where to begin 9:50 - The relationship cycle that can make both communication and physical intimacy harder 11:59 - How to make room for one partner’s sexual boundaries and the other partner’s feelings of loss or rejection 13:10 - What disagreeing about therapy goals can reveal about the patterns already happening in your relationship 15:14 - When different therapy goals are actually a bigger disagreement about the future of the relationship 16:33 - Four questions to ask when different goals have kept you from starting couples therapy Mentioned In Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy? Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

You can still love your partner, function well together, and somehow end up feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. Maybe you do everything together and have trouble functioning as two separate people. Or maybe you’ve become so independent that you divide the responsibilities, stay out of each other’s way, and rarely talk about what’s actually happening beneath the surface. These relationships can look completely different from the outside, but both can lose the balance between closeness and individuality. One can become so focused on togetherness that the people inside the relationship start losing touch with themselves. The other can become so emotionally separate that both partners know each other’s schedules, but not necessarily each other’s inner worlds. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how differentiation can help us understand why couples start feeling more like roommates than partners. I walk through fusion and emotional cutoff, the signs these patterns may be showing up in your relationship, and how maintaining both individuality and emotional connection can create more room for curiosity, vulnerability, and intimacy. 2:37 - How differentiation helps explain why some couples start feeling more like roommates than partners 4:56 - What fusion looks like when keeping the peace starts costing you a clear sense of self 6:29 - How losing individuality can drain energy, curiosity, and passion from a relationship 8:06 - What emotional cutoff looks like when independence becomes distance 10:45 - Five signs that differentiation may be part of your roommate dynamic 12:52 - Why simply spending more time together or more time apart may not solve the problem 13:19 - How to express your own preferences without creating more disconnection 13:56 - What to do when your partner’s emotions start taking over your own experience 14:54 - Rebuilding individuality without using independence as an escape from the relationship 15:26 - How to let your partner know you again and create more shared growth 16:33 - Why long-term partners need to keep discovering who each other is becoming 17:23 - What balance between closeness and individuality can make possible for intimacy Mentioned In Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

Past relationship trauma can quietly shape the relationship you're in now, even when your current partner has done nothing to cause it. Your ex cheated on you, so you check your partner's phone. Or a former partner emotionally disappeared when things got serious, so now you find yourself bracing for the same thing to happen again. This is one way betrayal trauma can follow you into a new relationship. Your brain may understand that your current partner is different, while your nervous system is still reacting to patterns it learned in the past. That can leave you questioning whether what you're feeling is a warning about this relationship or a response to something that already happened. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how past relationship trauma can show up through hypervigilance, comparison, testing, avoidance, and reactions around touch and sex. I also share how to separate old pattern matching from what is actually happening now, build new evidence of safety, and decide when and how to talk to a new partner about your past. 2:13 – The difference between an ordinary heartbreak and betrayal trauma 5:13 – Why betrayal trauma responses happen in the first place 6:24 – Four ways betrayal trauma can show up in your current relationship, even when your partner hasn't done anything wrong 10:38 – An example of trauma I often see as a sex therapist, and how a small change helped one client rebuild trust in their partner 14:33 – How to tell whether or not you’re truly dealing with a trauma response 15:17 – How I help current couples work through reactions to past relationship trauma 18:22 – When and how to tell a new partner about a past traumatic relationship Mentioned In When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

You’re trying to be clear about what you need in your relationship, so you draw a line and tell yourself you’re setting a boundary. But when your partner responds with defensiveness instead of change, it may be worth asking whether what you communicated was actually a boundary or an ultimatum. A boundary stays focused on your own limits and what you’re willing to do. An ultimatum shifts the focus toward controlling your partner’s behavior or forcing a specific outcome. The concern underneath both can be completely reasonable, but the way you communicate it can determine whether the conversation opens up or shuts down. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the difference between a request, a boundary, and an ultimatum and show you how the same need can be communicated in very different ways. I also explain how anxious attachment and protest behaviors can push us toward ultimatums, share six questions to help you check yourself before a hard conversation, and talk about when a firm, non-negotiable boundary is actually appropriate. 1:56 – What separates a genuine ask, a healthy boundary, and a full-blown ultimatum 3:31 – An example of a boundary vs. an ultimatum around a partner's work stress 4:39 – How anxious attachment and protest behaviors escalate into ultimatums 5:33 – Six questions that reveal whether you're setting a boundary or issuing an ultimatum 8:46 – Situations where holding a non-negotiable boundary is completely appropriate 11:25 – What to do if you catch yourself about to issue an unnecessary ultimatum  12:14 – What to say if you're the one on the receiving end of an ultimatum Mentioned In The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships How Anxious Attachment Shows Up In Your Sex Life Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

If you’re checking how long it's been since you last had sex or bringing up an ex just to see how your partner reacts, you've probably told yourself it's harmless. But what if the behaviors you’re using to feel safer in your relationship are actually creating more distance between you and your partner? Anxious attachment doesn’t always look like obvious clinginess or pursuit. Sometimes it shows up through testing, monitoring, or keeping score, especially when your nervous system is looking for proof that you’re still wanted and the relationship is okay. These protest behaviors are attempts to restore closeness, but over time they can start eroding the connection you’re trying to protect. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why these protest behaviors develop, what they can look like in your sex life, and why they so often create more distance instead of reassurance. I also share three ways to start changing these patterns, so you can ask more directly for what you need instead of waiting to see if your partner passes the test. 1:49 – Why protest behaviors show up, the forms they take, and the neurological paradox they create 4:10 – Tip #1: Notice what’s happening in your body moments before the protest behavior takes over 6:05 – Tip #2: Ask directly for what you want instead of putting your partner through a test to find out  7:27 – Tip #3: Get curious about the real question your jealousy is hiding behind 10:10 – How to respond if you’re on the receiving end of a partner's protest patterns Mentioned In How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life Why Unmet Attachment Needs Sabotage Your Sex Life How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

Couples can spend months or even years working on communication, conflict, and trust without ever talking about what is happening in their sex life. Once sexual concerns come up, their couples therapist may refer them to a sex therapist, almost as if sex is a separate problem that needs to be handed off to someone else. Part of the reason is that many couples therapists were never formally trained to talk about sex. That can leave couples doing important work on their emotional connection while their physical connection remains completely outside the conversation, even though the two are often affecting each other. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why sex therapy and couples therapy are often treated as two separate specialties and why I do not think that reflects how relationships actually work. I also clear up some common myths about what each type of therapy looks like in a session and why couples should not have to choose between addressing their emotional connection and their sex life. 1:59 – How traditional couples therapy differs from sex therapy 3:07 – The training gap most couples therapists face, and the road to sex therapy qualification that I had to travel 4:54 – Why these therapies shouldn’t be considered completely separate from each other 7:42 – Debunking four common myths about sex therapy and couples therapy 9:14 – The one thing you should take away from this episode Mentioned In Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate Sign up for The Quickie Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

A calm, steady relationship can start to feel like something is missing, even when nothing seems wrong. If you have a trauma history, quiet may be harder to trust than chaos ever was. What feels like boredom or incompatibility may be your nervous system mistaking calm for the absence of love or desire. Trauma can also show up when you pull away as soon as a relationship starts to feel good, use sex or being desired as proof of your worth, or feel drawn to dynamics that do not always make sense to you. These patterns can feel isolating or shameful, especially when you do not understand why they are happening. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through four specific ways trauma can affect your romantic relationships. I explain what may be happening underneath each pattern and share what can help you begin changing it without treating it like a lifelong sentence. 2:24 – A calm, safe relationship can feel boring after trauma 5:05 – Three ways to stop chasing intensity outside a healthy relationship 7:09 – Core beliefs, self-sabotage, and how trauma affects your romantic relationships 9:44 – When sex or being desired becomes proof of your worth 12:38 – The difference between consensual kink and a trauma response that needs attention 15:42 – Four signs an empowering sexual pattern may have become compulsive Mentioned In How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships How PTSD Affects Romantic Relationships and What Actually Helps Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It Sign up for "The Quickie" or Book a Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

Scheduling sex can sound like a practical solution when life is full and intimacy keeps getting pushed aside. It can also leave you feeling like sex has become another obligation on the calendar, especially when the pressure starts building long before the scheduled time arrives. The difference often comes down to what that time is expected to guarantee. When scheduling protects space for connection and leaves room for desire to develop, it can take pressure off. When it starts to feel like a commitment to arousal, intercourse, or orgasm, your nervous system may experience the schedule as a demand instead of an invitation. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain when scheduling sex can help and why it sometimes makes things worse. I also share how to create intentional time for connection without making a specific sexual outcome the requirement. 2:12 – Why the idea that desire must be spontaneous might be quietly setting your relationship up to fail 4:37 – Responsive desire and the real goal of scheduling sex 5:47 – The impact of scheduling sex on highly anxious or neurodivergent people 6:34 – What most sex-positive content leaves out of the discussion 7:26 – The hidden buildup that can start days before the encounter and ruin the moment 9:24 – How a trauma history changes the feel of a scheduled block, and the reframe that makes it safer 10:54 – A four-part framework for trying scheduled intimacy without turning it into a test or obligation Mentioned In When Scheduling Sex Helps and When It Makes Things Worse Esther Perel Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

Couples wait an average of six years after problems start before ever getting help. If you’ve been sitting on the question, “Will you go to couples therapy with me?” you probably understand how that happens. You know something needs to shift, but you’re worried your partner will hear the request as, “Our relationship is failing,” or “You’re the problem.” Even if you never say those words, that energy can show up in your tone and body language. Research on conflict conversations has found that the first three minutes predict, with striking accuracy, how the whole conversation will go. So the words you choose, along with your tone and timing, can make the difference between an invitation your partner is open to and a conversation that turns defensive before it even starts. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I give you the exact language to use when asking your partner to go to couples therapy. I explain how to use a podcast episode as a lower-pressure starting point, respond to the fear underneath their objections, and pause the conversation if it starts going sideways. I also share why asking your partner to try one session can feel much easier than asking them to commit to therapy without knowing what that commitment will look like. 1:37 – Why the first three minutes of this conversation matter more than almost anything you say after 2:45 – How to choose your approach based on the pattern in your relationship 5:01 – How to broach the subject with your partner in a gentle, non-accusatory way 6:49 – Why your partner might push back, and what to do if the conversation starts moving towards conflict 8:32 – How to introduce couples therapy like an addition to the relationship instead of a verdict on it 10:27 – Why your relationship isn’t doomed if your partner still says no 11:34 – Bringing everything together so you can start applying it today Mentioned In How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

Your desire for sex doesn’t match your partner’s, and now you’re wondering what that difference says about your relationship. Is this a normal part of being together long term, or a sign that something has started to go wrong? Mismatched sex drives are incredibly common, but that doesn’t mean every desire gap should be ignored. Sometimes the difference comes down to spontaneous and responsive desire. Other times, resentment, pressure, and emotional disconnection have started changing the relationship far beyond what happens in the bedroom. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell when mismatched sex drives are a normal part of a long-term relationship and when the gap has started causing real damage. I also share the signs that tell me a couple may need support and what we actually work on in sex therapy. 2:13 – Why mismatched sex drives do not mean you’re incompatible 3:09 – How spontaneous and responsive desire create a cycle of rejection and pressure 6:14 – Five signs mismatched sex drives may need outside support 10:40 – Why initiating sex more often can make the problem worse 11:19 – Two responses to sexual rejection that damage the relationship 12:25 – What couples work on first in sex therapy 15:34 – What a fulfilling sex life can look like after sex therapy 17:08 – How to tell if mismatched sex drives are normal or a real problem Mentioned In How to Know If Mismatched Sex Drives Are a Real Problem Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review

A viral podcast clip recently claimed that pleasuring a woman during sex has “not much ROI” and that using a vibrator would make him feel “cucked.” Reducing a woman’s orgasm to a business calculation may sound extreme, but the belief underneath it is far more common. Female pleasure is treated as extra, optional, or only worth pursuing when it happens easily. Sex education often skips the clitoris, pornography turns performance into instruction, and penetration is still treated as the main event. That means most of us were never taught how female pleasure actually works. When that becomes the script, a woman’s pleasure is easier to ignore, and the orgasm gap becomes far less surprising. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the anatomy behind female pleasure and what the research says about how women reach orgasm during partnered sex. I explain what the orgasm gap reveals, why women’s pleasure can disappear from the sexual equation, and how that pattern affects desire, trust, and connection over time. I also share what helps couples create a sex life where both partners feel seen, informed, and genuinely invested in each other’s experience. 0:53 – What one viral podcast remark about "ROI" reveals about a much bigger cultural blind spot around female pleasure 3:14 – The real anatomy of the clitoris and why most people (including many women) only know a fraction of it 6:08 – Why incuriosity is the real issue for some men here, not simply being unaware of where the clitoris is or how to stimulate a female partner 7:54 – How long it takes a woman to orgasm (and why the range matters more than the average) 9:36 – Why lesbian women orgasm at significantly higher rates than heterosexual women (and what it reveals about where the "problem" really lives) 11:03 – How women adapt to consistently absent orgasms and the coping mechanism most don’t even realize they’re using 11:47 – Why faking orgasms starts as self-protection and can lead to a sexless relationship 14:09 – The three-part process used in couples therapy to help a woman reconnect to her own pleasure and openly communicate it to her partner 15:07 – What separates the men who make real progress in this work from the ones who stay stuck 17:53 – Why this matters beyond a single podcast clip 18:47 – What happens when both partners commit to closing the orgasm gap Mentioned In Is a Woman’s Orgasm Worth the Effort? “Pleasure-producing human clitoris has more than 10,000 nerve fibers” | Oregon Health & Science University “How long does it take for a woman to reach orgasm?” | International Society for Sexual Medicine “Devaluing Women’s Orgasm: An Experimental Investigation of Whether, When, and to What Effect Women and Men Reduce the Importance of Women’s Orgasm” | Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult Leave a rating and review