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Grieving a Friendship Breakup | I Miss Her, But I Miss Myself More Some friends feel like pillars. They hold your history. They know a version of you nobody else met. So what happens when one of them falls away? Carrie Shea is the creator behind @ThePreppyMess on Instagram. On October 8, 2026 she made a post about the friendships she thought would be there forever. Women flooded her comments with their own stories. I scrolled through all of her comments, taking in what women were sharing, and knew I had to have Carrie on the show. Carrie has lived both sides of this. She has walked away from friendships she once called pillars. She has also held on to one best friend for decades, against the odds. We talk about the parts of a friendship breakup that don’t get said out loud. The grief. The shame. How losing a friend can change the way you see yourself. I share my own story of losing a best friend. And Carrie has a line about friendship and accountability that I’m putting on a bumper sticker. In this episode: When a shared history stops being enoughThe fine line between grace and excusesWhy one best friend might not be the answerHow a Monopoly board changed the course of my lifeThe Best Friend Project survey found that women split exactly in half on whether most friendships last forever. And 68% say they deeply miss a friend. If you’ve ever mourned a friend who is still alive, but also didn't want to talk to hem anymore....this one’s for you. Find and follow Carrie at @ThePreppyMess on Instagram  Shop Carrie’s ethical brand picks here to sustainable, solid companies like PACT, Dirty Labs, Who Gives A Crap. Speaking of awesome companies, next week I sit down with Taylor Capuano, founder of the viral sensation Cakes Body, to talk about managing friendships while building a business. ALEX CLOSING DETAILS HERE Chapters  00:00 The double collar confession  02:34 The post that started it all  04:56 How pillar friendships end  10:03 When shared history isn’t enough  16:32 Grace or excuses  22:49 Life after being ghosted  27:22 What The Best Friend Project data shows  35:27 The charcuterie board approach to friendship  39:14 How a Monopoly board changed my life  42:37 The friend who beat the odds  48:08 Where to find Carrie Support the show

No phone call this week. Just me. And Scarlett O'Hara.  On this week’s episode, Kari Moran talked how the shift she felt as her friendship heading into the "empty nest" phase of their lives. Kari has an adult child with special needs. Her nest will never be empty. And she talked about detecting pity in her friends and how that felt.  The word "pity" sent me straight to my bedside table. To get my copy of Gone With the Wind. To Scarlett O’Hara, the girl I’ve called my first friend since fifth grade. A theme throughout the entire book is Scarlett's revulsion of pity. Something she would cast on others as she looked fearfully down on them. She would rather be hated than pitied. Because if they hate you, at least you know on some level they care. Pity says you’re inconsequential. Or at least it can feel that way. Kari's perception of pity gave me a lot to think about. About pity in its many forms, and about its antidote. Kind curiosity. If you’re a recovering people pleaser like me, this one’s for you. Listen to Kerry’s full episode. If you like it please subscribe and share it with your friends and family.  Share your own friendship story at thebestfriendproject.co. #TheBestFriendProject Support the show

I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY. For mothers raising children with disabilities, friendship can be an unexpectedly lonely place. Friends stop calling, invitations disappear, and even well-meaning gestures can leave you feeling more isolated than included. Kari Morin is the mother of three sons, including Griffin, who lives with a rare genetic disorder that causes severe epilepsy and intellectual disability. When Kari took The Best Friend Project survey, she shared something that caught my attention: She didn't want to be pitied. She wanted to be included. Even when she couldn't show up. That led us into a fascinating conversation about the ways pity can creep into our friendships, often disguised as kindness or concern. Together, we examine five types of pity: Protective Pity: When friends make decisions for you, assuming they're sparing you discomfort or difficulty.Performative Pity: When excessive sympathy leaves you comforting the very people who are supposed to be comforting you.Passive Pity: When friends stop calling or inviting you because they assume you're too busy or overwhelmed.Passive-Aggressive Pity: When comments about how difficult or dramatic your life must be leave you feeling judged, diminished, or different.The Pity Party: When we give ourselves permission to feel sorry for ourselves, and why sometimes that's exactly what we need.Kari also offers a beautiful alternative to pity: curiosity. Asking questions, listening to the answers, and genuinely trying to understand someone else's experience. Because sometimes the most loving thing a friend can do isn't to know what to say. It's to care enough to ask. Connect with Kari:  Website (https://karimorin.com/) Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/kmocrave/)  Resources Kari Mentioned: We Are Brave Together (https://www.wearebravetogether.org/) Inclusion Empowers (https://www.inclusionempowers.org/) Suddenly Brave Together (https://www.wearebravetogether.org/suddenly-brave-together) The Things We Know Podcast (https://thethingsweknowpodcast.com/) Learn more about The Best Friend Project: https://thebestfriendproject.co Discover your Friendship Archetype: Take the Friendship Survey: https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup Stay in touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject Questions? [email protected] Chapters: 00:00 – Cold Open 01:41 – The Conversation We’re Sometimes Afraid to Have  3:08 – Griffin’s Story: A Diagnosis That Took Years to Uncover  07:9 – The Loneliness of Being a Friend and a Caregiver  10:29 – When Protecting Someone Becomes Pushing Them Away  14:56 – You Don’t Have to Know What to Say—Just Show Up  19:10 – What Our Childhoods Teach Us About Adult Friendship  27:53 – Apologizing Without Losing Your Own Voice  31:11 – Stop Assuming What Someone Needs  38:34 – Finding Friends Who See the Person, Not the Disability  42:53 – The Friend Who Showed Up With Dinner  47:09 – Letting Your Kids See That It’s Okay Not to Be Okay  50:20 – Resources for Caregivers and Families Coming Next Week: Next week on The Best Friend Project, Rachel sits down with Carrie Shea, aka The Preppy Mess, to talk about childhood friendships, growing apart, and what happens when the work of maintaining a friendship no longer works. Support the show

What happens when you step out of social media and into real life, or IRL as the kids call it? Well, you will just have to try it and find out.  When I ran the other direction from social media, I found myself, just one year ago, taping postcards up in women's bathroom stalls across the country. Asking them to share friendship experiences by taking my survey. This led me to learning from hundreds of women about regret, love, longing, betrayal and belonging. Their stories were so inspiring I pulled them forward on to a podcast. Which lead me to Donielle Young. A woman I met through Instagram comment, DM, then phone call, to being a guest on my show and from there, developing a real friendship. And in person real life friendship when she flew from Florida to Minnesota to hang out for a few days.  For this bonus On The Phone bonus content, my 1990's style, kitchen wall phone chat I call my new friend Donielle to talk about our friendship. And yes at the end you do hear us talking about an IRL event for next year with The Best Friend Project. Stay in touch! Would love to meet you too! Support the show

Protect your peace. Cut off toxic friends. Match their energy. You’ve seen these all over Instagram. So have I. And they make my skin crawl. I’m not a Pollyanna about it. I’ve just read your surveys. Hundreds of them. And your answers tell a different story. This is a solo episode. Just me, a stack of printouts, and the data you’ve given me through The Best Friend Project. I walk through the three friendship memes that drive me up a wall. I read from your surveys, including a note from Lucy in New York that I have permission to read. I share a story about an extrovert, an introvert, and a party invite list that almost ended a friendship. And I ask you to guess a number. Most of you will guess low. I also push back on two of the biggest names in the friendship conversation right now (scary!)  Adam Grant’s new book Vibe, and Mel Robbins empahsis on on proximity.  Plus, we go behind the scenes! I share the reality of launching this project using postcards in bathroom stalls across the country. Find out which airport bathroom I’m convinced never gets cleaned, what doors convert higher and how I handle bathroom attendants. If you’ve been ghosted by a best friend, let a friendship fade, or wondered if you should reach out to someone you miss, press play. Books I mention: The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis (https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Four-Loves-Audiobook/B08ZNZW464?) The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz (https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/376130-the-four-agreements-a-practical-guide-to-personal-freedom) Vibe: The Secrets of Strong Connections in a Lonely World by Adam Grant (https://www.audible.com/pd/Vibe-Audiobook/B0GPKJWX93?) Stay Golden, Girls: Friendship Is the New Marriage by Rachel Steinman and Rachel Winter (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DJMVJYPB?) Fighting for Our Friendships by Danielle Bayard Jackson (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0306830612?) It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn (https://markwolynn.com/it-didnt-start-with-you/) Episodes I reference: Shameless Elle (https://youtu.be/O_czSELnWrw) Melanie Curtis (https://youtu.be/CYo1viN5k3w) Danielle Young (https://youtu.be/pDZpA4r6ER4) Barb Braaten (https://youtu.be/RDuLfG5ZFWg) Ali Lohman (https://youtu.be/dVLK5yV34uQ) Beth Pacunas (https://youtu.be/pn_mw4hvrz8) Take the survey: thebestfriendproject.co Want postcards for your town? DM me or email [email protected] Every friendship has a story. What’s yours? Chapters: 00:00 — Cold Open 01:36 — The Friendship That Ended With a Text Message 02:11 — Why I Started The Best Friend Project 07:46 — 7,000 Miles of Friendship Stories 12:59 — The Friendship Table That Changed How I See Friendship 17:32 — Three Friendship Myths on Social Media That Get Under My Skin 21:59 — Cutting Off “Toxic Friends” and the People We Still Miss 26:02 — “Match Their Energy”: The Friendship That Almost Ended 33:02 — Should We Really Be Ranking Our Friendships? 36:57 — Are Friendships Really About Proximity, Timing, and Energy? 44:33 — The Lessons That Could Change How You Show Up in Friendship 48:17 — The Best Friend Project Is Heading to TEDx! Support the show

Rachel and Cami revisit a conversation about adult friendship, vulnerability, and the unexpected ways meaningful connections enter our lives. They talk about the courage it takes to approach someone new, why meeting in real life still matters, and how letting go of jealousy and comparison can help us appreciate the beauty in ourselves and others. Connect with Cami:  Website (https://www.camianntalbot.com/) Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/camianntalbot)  Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/cami.talbot/)  Learn more about The Best Friend Project: https://thebestfriendproject.co Discover your Friendship Archetype: Take the Friendship Survey: https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup Stay in touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject Questions? [email protected] Support the show

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult—aren’t we supposed to know who we are by now? When professional makeup artist Cami Talbot left the Mormon church at 14, she lost more than her religion—she lost her childhood tribe. Years later, an unexpected encounter with a stranger would challenge everything we assume about how adults make new friends. But this conversation starts somewhere even more personal—the face in the mirror. Your face. After 15 years working as a makeup artist, Cami has noticed that what women dislike about their appearance sometimes has very little to do with beauty, and more to do with the features—and stories—we inherit. If your mom was always critical of you and you have her same eyes, do you see yourself or her when you look in the mirror? If your father was distant but you have his nose, is it really your nose you don't like—or the absent feeling it reminds you of? Self-esteem, confidence and even the grace we give ourselves are deeply connected to how we think we look. And some of that may be tied to the relationships we had with our parents. How much of who we think we are actually belongs to us? This conversation explores what happens when we begin questioning the identities we inherited—from our parents, our religion and our past—and how changing the way we see ourselves can change the friendships we lose, the ones we keep, and the new ones we're brave enough to make. Connect with Cami:  Website (https://www.camianntalbot.com/) Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/camianntalbot)  Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/cami.talbot/)  Learn more about The Best Friend Project: https://thebestfriendproject.co Discover your Friendship Archetype: Take the Friendship Survey: https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup Stay in touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject Questions? [email protected] Chapters: 00:00 – Cold Open 01:20 – Why Even the Most Beautiful People Struggle to Feel Enough 07:29 – Why We Need to Be Our Own Best Friend First 11:22 – The People Who Miss Someone but Won’t Make the First Move 17:29 – What If Another Woman’s Beauty Didn’t Threaten Your Own? 23:08 – Leaving the Mormon Church at 14 and Finding Her Own Way 33:59 – The Note That Started a Nine-Year Friendship 41:30 – Are We Too Quick to Walk Away? 45:39 – The One Thing Women Need Most From Their Friendships 50:01 – What If We Started Going to Therapy With Our Friends? 50:18 – The One Conversation You Might Need to Have Before It’s Too Late Coming Next Week: Rachel goes solo for Episode 20 of The Best Friend Project, reflecting on what she’s learned and why social media relationship experts may be doing more harm than good. Support the show

Getting ghosted by a friend makes you the victim. Until you hear yourself tell the story out loud. After Beth’s episode aired, I called her back. I wanted to know what it was like to hear her friendship breakup played back. Her answer surprised both of us. We get into in this bonus content to explore why trying not to be a bother can push people away. Why receiving love can feel harder than giving it. And why two people who shared weddings, babies and decades never once called each other “best.” I also share the book that changed how I see my mom, and the patterns we inherit in who we let close. If you’ve lost a friend and still don’t know why, start here. Mentioned: It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn Take the Friendship Survey: thebestfriendproject.co Support the show

After 25 years of friendship, Beth never imagined her best friend might break up with her. “I thought she wasn’t calling back because she was sick.” For a year, Beth kept trying to reach her. When they finally spoke, the conversation ended their friendship. More than 20 years later, telling the story still moves Beth to tears. In this episode, Beth shares what she’s come to understand about that breakup, including the ways she may have hurt her friend without realizing it. She still loves her, but there’s hurt there too. Could they ever have a friendship again? And what would she need to hear before that could happen? What makes this conversation especially personal is that Beth is an old friend of mine. I could hardly believe my eyes when I reached her name at the end of her Best Friend Project survey. We hadn’t spoken in almost 15 years. Seeing her again gave me the chance to tell her how much she’s meant to me—and to thank her for holding my infant daughter at my father’s funeral. Learn more about The Best Friend Project: https://thebestfriendproject.co Discover your Friendship Archetype: Take the Friendship Survey: https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup Stay in touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject Questions? [email protected] Chapters: 00:00 – Cold Open  09:00 – The Friendship That Was Always There 15:40 – The People Who Showed Up After Rachel Lost Her Dad 21:22 – When a 25-Year Friendship Ends By Ghosting 26:08 – A Year of Calling, Waiting, and Wondering What Went Wrong 32:55 – Why Nobody Talks About Friendship Breakups 34:52 – Are We Too Quick to Label Friends as “Toxic”? 40:27 – “Will You Be My Friend?”  42:10 – How a Friendship Struggle Sparked a Bigger Mission 46:45 – What Beth Wishes Her Former Best Friend Could Hear 50:51 – Is It Closure She Wants, or Just Accountability? 51:48 – Why We Need to Create Our Own Rules for Friendship Coming Next Week: Rachel sits down with her newer friend, Cammy, whom I met at Comic-Con in Salt Lake City. She does makeup for some of the most successful women in the world, and you might be surprised to hear how much they struggle with friendship, too. Support the show

The story of Laura and Lisa is living proof that love doesn't die. Special thanks to Laura for sharing her story with us, and for the reminder to donate and apply to be a match.  Hear our sweet, quick catch up on this episode of On The Phone with Laura Goodburn.  Thank you as always for listening to The Best Friend Project podcast.  Support the show

When your spouse dies, you're a widow. But when your best friend dies, there isn't even a word for it. Laura and Lisa met when they were three years old. They were best friends for over 30 years, until a fast and brutal fight with leukemia took Lisa's life. Laura hardly knew who she was without her. Years later, Laura's life began to unravel. Her marriage ended. She lost her job and her home. She questioned if life was even worth living. But love, from a new friendship, helped save her. And what she did with that love is the part I keep thinking about. Talking to Laura forced me to reflect on all the trivial, petty, dumb stuff that can come between friends. Who got left off the group text. Who said what. Does any of it really matter? At some point, we will all run out of time. This one life we've been given will end. Do we want to spend what's left of it replaying a comment, holding on to hurt, or staying guarded? If so, this episode just might change your heart and mind.  In this episode: 00:00 Cold Open01:03 Rod Stewart, Oprah, and motor oil04:20 The haircut she fought in a coma06:55 Friday date night in a hospital room11:38 "If love could save someone"12:50 When people claim a grief that isn't theirs16:42 Are work friends worth the risk?21:57 "I thought she was going to replace me"26:33 The girl who had no one to write down33:31 How you could save someone's best friendContent note: This episode includes discussion of terminal illness, death, and a moment of suicidal thinking. If you are struggling, call or text 988 in the US or Canada. Links: The Empty Chair Project: https://www.instagram.com/theemptychairproject.caCanadian Blood Services stem cell registry: https://www.blood.caHoneysuckle Coffee, Tillsonburg, Ontario https://www.instagram.com/honeysuckle.coffeeTake the survey: https://thebestfriendproject.co/friendship-survey/ Coming Next Week: Rachel sits down with Beth, a woman she knows personally, after being completely gripped by the story Beth shared in the Best Friend Project survey. What happens when a friendship has a few things left to talk about? Support the show

It's a funny thing when you know your own life story. Because it is your life, it's the only thing you know. So it doesn't seem unusual or possibly even interesting to you. But when you say it out loud on a podcast and other people hear it, well, it can make you see your whole world differently.  I hop on the phone with Kimberly to find out how she feels after a doozie of a trifecta episode starting with Brenda, then Kimberly's mom, and finally her story.  This is not exactly the call I thought we would be having. Support the show

It’s 1982. You’re the new girl in eight grade, and you accidentally bump into Brenda, the school bully. She tells you she’s going to fight you after school. You’ve never been in a fight. You barely know anyone. You’re terrified and alone, armed with the one thing you know how to use: your words. Last week, Brenda told me what happened next. In this episode of The Best Friend Project, Kimberly Pomeroy tells her side of the story, 42 years later. This story brought me right back to Junior High. Whether I was the "Kimberly" or the "Brenda" we all knew these people. But did we really understand them? Since speaking with both women, I keep wondering, What happens to a kid who’s always ready to fight because no one has ever fought for her? How does a mother decide whether to trust her daughter’s choice of friends? And what might the rest of us miss when we think we already know who someone is? Listen to Kimberly’s side of the story, then go back and hear Brenda’s. Thank you for listening. Connect with LovePeriod:  Website: (https://www.loveperiod.life/) Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/love.period.life)  Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61579784172219)  Connect with Kimberly:  Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/kimberly.pomeroy1)  Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/kimberly.t.pomeroy)  Learn more about The Best Friend Project: https://thebestfriendproject.co Discover your Friendship Archetype: Take the Friendship Survey: https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup Stay in touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject Questions? [email protected] In this episode: - From a fight to a lifelong relationship - Finding the person behind the bully - The night that everything changed - “I wanted her to know she mattered” - When the friendship went both ways Chapters: 00:00 Cold Open 03:26 — The Friendship That Started With a Fight 08:41 — Seeing the Good Behind the Mask 11:33 — “Brenda Has a Knife” 18:35 — “I Wanted Her to Know She Mattered” 21:51 — The Friend That Always Shows Up 25:33 — “Let Me Be the Person Looking in the Mirror” 29:50 — A Life Built Around Love 32:59 — Love Starts With Us 35:09 — Forty-Two Years Later, She Still Has the Bear 40:55 — Friendship Is More Than Most Think Coming Next Week: You'll meet Laura, who lost her best friend to leukemia. Along the way, she found a new friend who helped heal her heart. Support the show

After speaking with Brenda this week, I couldn't stop wondering "What was Kimberly's mom thinking." Here she was in the back of a cop car, with her daughter and Brenda - after the knife had been taken away. I had to talk to her. So I hopped On The Phone with Diane Trisko, Kimberly's mom to hear about the friendship between Brenda and Kimberly from the mothers perspective.  Take a listen and drop a comment or DM, would love to hear your thoughts on this incredible episode. Next week, I sit down with Kimberly, to get her side of the story. I hope you join us! Support the show

Have you ever wondered if the voice on the other end of the line was actually human? I have, which may be one reason this episode with Brenda Scott on The Best Friend Project stands out to me. Brenda is one of the rawest, realest, most unmistakably human humans I have encountered in a very long time. This interview is audio-only. Brenda lives way up north in Minnesota without Wi-Fi and with barely enough cell signal to have this call. It can be hard to make out her every word, but I implore you to try. This story is equal parts unimaginable and completely relatable. From the perspective of the “once” bully, Brenda tells the story of a junior high fight with Kimberly that changed the course of her life. The fight happened 42 years ago. This week, we get Brenda's side of the story, and next week, we hear from Kimberly. Same story. Two women. Forty-two years later, we find out where things stand between them. If you have ever been in junior high, been the bully or the new girl, or thought that things that happened in your teens didn't really affect you, you'll want to hear this conversation. After you listen, please send me a DM or leave a comment on Spotify. I would truly love to hear your take on this episode. Thank you for listening. This episode includes candid conversations about childhood abuse, drug use and a suicidal crisis. Learn more about The Best Friend Project: https://thebestfriendproject.co Discover your Friendship Archetype: Take the Friendship Survey: https://thebestfriendproject.co/signup Stay in touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thebest_friendproject/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheBestFriendProject Questions? [email protected] In this episode: - How an accidental encounter led to an unlikely friendship - How Kimberly’s fight tactics beat Brenda - How Kimberly and her mother changed with Brenda's life - What Brenda still keeps from that time, 40 years later - How Brenda and Kimberly have continued to show up for each other - How a little light can be enough to give someone hope Chapters: 00:00 — Cold Open 01:12 — A story you won't believe unless you hear it 07:19 — A fight that ended differently then Brenda could imagine 11:29 — When Brenda needed help, she asked for one person 15:19 — The Easter basket Brenda still has 42 years later 18:49 — Seeing the good, only Kimberly could see 22:42 — Forty years later, they’re still in each other’s corner 27:40 — The words from Kimberly that Brenda lives by 30:17 — Why a birthday candle can be enough light Next week, Kimberly shares her side of the story. Support the show