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At 14, Krissy called home in tears and heard those words from her mom. She has borderline personality disorder. Then her mom learned to validate. Krissy grew up loved and unheard at the same time. The bullying started in fourth grade and followed her to boarding school. Her dad was deployed, her mom was stretched thin, and Krissy decided her pain was a burden no one could carry, so she white-knuckled it and said nothing. When it did spill out, what came back was “I don’t know what to do.” Hoping for anything else felt dangerous. What she needed was not a fix. It was someone saying “I see that you are in pain. I may not understand why it hurts this much, but I believe you that it does.” Krissy talks with host Diane DeMartino, LCSW, about what it is like to be going under while everyone at the edge of the pool tells you the water is three feet deep, and about coming home from treatment to parents who had taken a free class for families of people with BPD, taken it again, and kept practicing. What changed was not one conversation. It was knowing, every time, that if she fell apart in front of them she would be met instead of managed. Try This Today: The next time someone you love is in pain you do not understand, skip the solution. Say “I can see this hurts, and I believe you that it does,” then stay. If you catch yourself fixing anyway, name it: “I see I’m trying to solve this. Maybe that’s not what you need right now. What would be more helpful?” Chapters (00:00) The Phone Call Home (02:49) Three Feet Deep (05:00) Feeling Like a Burden (07:14) Learning to Validate (11:31) Try This(15:08) Words of Hope The class Krissy’s parents took twice and then taught is Family Connections: free, 12 weeks on Zoom, for family members of people with BPD traits, with validation on the syllabus. Apply at https://bpdalliance.org/family-connections/. If you live with BPD, Dealing with Emotions is a free six-video course by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD, at https://bpdalliance.org/programs/. Primary sources on family validation and borderline personality disorder behind this conversation. Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163–183. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2011.30.2.163 Hoffman, P. D., Fruzzetti, A. E., Buteau, E., Neiditch, E. R., Penney, D., Bruce, M. L., Hellman, F., & Struening, E. (2005). Family Connections: A program for relatives of persons with borderline personality disorder. Family Process, 44(2), 217–225. ⁠https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2005.00055.x⁠⁠Lee, S. S. M., Keng, S.-L., Yeo, G. C., & Hong, R. Y. (2022). Parental invalidation and its associations with borderline personality disorder symptoms: A multivariate meta-analysis. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 13(6), 572–582. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000523 BPD Alliance, The Podcast. Where research and real life meet around borderline personality disorder. This episode is part of the BPD Alliance 25th Anniversary Podcast, marking 25 years of standing alongside individuals and families living with borderline personality disorder with the belief that healing, growth, and recovery are possible.   BPD Alliance is a nonprofit organization with a four-star Charity Navigator rating. To learn more or support our mission, visit bpdalliance.org.   If this episode helped, following the show and leaving a review helps someone else find it.   If you or someone you love is struggling, you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) in the U.S. Series music: Lisbeth Scott, "Following The Sun," courtesy of Valley Entertainment, Inc. https://ffm.to/following-the-sun-feat-orchid-quartet.ODL

She read him the criteria, told him to look it up, and sent him home. What Peter found online about borderline personality disorder nearly undid him. Peter Googled it that night and found a week of relief, then a month of self-loathing. He is a member of the BPD Alliance Lived Experience Committee, a husband, and the father of two teenage boys, diagnosed three years ago at 37 after what he calls a million therapists and a half. In this episode he tells host Diane DeMartino, LCSW, about the therapist who diagnosed him in one session and then ended the treatment, the years of therapy that treated his sleep and his job stress and never named what was underneath, the intensive outpatient program he mistook for DBT, and how he went from searching Reddit for people like him to sitting on a committee of them. Try This Today: If you just got the diagnosis and are about to search it, borrow Peter's rule: you are not what you Google. Then make one call a search engine cannot. Ask a therapist whether they treat borderline personality disorder, and if the answer is no, ask who does. Chapters (00:00) A Million Therapists (01:18) Go Google It (03:40) Trying It Alone (07:27) The Wrong Path (10:31) Finding His People (13:57) Words of Hope Peter found his way back through the annual Yale-BPD Alliance Annual Conference [https://bpdalliance.org/yale-neabpd-conference/] panels and the Lived Experience Committee he now sits on. If you have BPD and want to join him, the committee takes applications through the volunteer page: [https://bpdalliance.org/volunteer/]. For vetted books, videos, and programs, start with the BPD Alliance resource directory: [https://bpdalliance.org/bpd-resources/]. If you are the parent, partner, or friend of someone with BPD, Family Connections is a free class for families: [https://bpdalliance.org/family-connections/].  References: Broadbear, J. H., et al. (2025). Exploring the pathways to diagnosis for men with borderline personality disorder: A qualitative study. International Journal of Mental Health Nursing. https://doi.org/10.1111/inm.13413 Broadbear, J. H., et al. (2026). Time to diagnosis and treatment for borderline personality disorder: Opportunities and pitfalls during the consumer mental health journey. Journal of Psychiatric Research. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2026.06.023 Sanchious, S. N., et al. (2024). Recognizing borderline personality disorder in men: Gender differences in BPD symptom presentation. Journal of Personality Disorders, 38(2), 195. https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.2024.38.2.195 Tedesco, V., et al. (2023). Diagnosing borderline personality disorder: Reports and recommendations from people with lived experience. Personality and Mental Health. https://doi.org/10.1002/pmh.1599 About BPD Alliance, The Podcast: Where research and real life meet around borderline personality disorder. This episode is part of the BPD Alliance 25th Anniversary Podcast, marking 25 years of standing alongside individuals and families living with borderline personality disorder with the belief that healing, growth, and recovery are possible.   BPD Alliance is a nonprofit organization with a four-star Charity Navigator rating. To learn more or support our mission, visit bpdalliance.org.   If this episode helped, following the show and leaving a review helps someone else find it.   If you or someone you love is struggling, you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) in the U.S. Series music: Lisbeth Scott, "Following The Sun," courtesy of Valley Entertainment, Inc. ⁠https://ffm.to/following-the-sun-feat-orchid-quartet.ODL⁠

When your daughter has borderline personality disorder and calls in pain, the first ten seconds decide whether she stays on the line. Julie knows those ten seconds. Her daughter got up late, hit traffic, got written up, and quit on the spot, then called her mother and said so, loudly. Julie is a longtime BPD Alliance board member, and in this episode she tells host Jesse Finkelstein, PsyD, what she did not know at that moment, what she wanted to say, what she said instead, and why answering the emotion rather than the words is the skill that kept her daughter talking. Try This Today: Before you answer someone whose emotions are running high, borrow Julie's practice of relationship mindfulness: pay attention on purpose to the person in front of you, in this moment. Put down what you were doing. Notice their voice before you weigh their words. Learn more about Relationship Mindfulness. (00:00) “I Quit My Job” (04:11) Early Signs, No Answers (08:32) Invalidating Without Blame (10:37) Finding Family Connections (11:59) Try This: Relationship Mindfulness (13:46) Words of Hope    Learn more about supporting a family member, including Family Connections™, the free, evidence-based program developed by BPD Alliance for family members and loved ones supporting someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits or chronic emotion dysregulation. Julie also mentions NAMI Family-to-Family, the free class where someone first told her about Family Connections. [https://www.nami.org/programs/nami-family-to-family/] Research mentioned in this episode: Shenk and Fruzzetti (2011) and Kuo et al. (2022) measured how validating and invalidating responses change emotional reactivity. Fruzzetti, Shenk, and Hoffman (2005) describe the transactional model taught in Family Connections. Fruzzetti, A. E., Shenk, C., & Hoffman, P. D. (2005). Family interaction and the development of borderline personality disorder: A transactional model. Development and Psychopathology, 17(4), 1007–1030. [https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579405050479] Kuo, J. R., Fitzpatrick, S., Ip, J., & Uliaszek, A. (2022). The who and what of validation: An experimental examination of validation and invalidation of specific emotions and the moderating effect of emotion dysregulation. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 9, Article 15. [https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-022-00185-x] Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163–183. [https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2011.30.2.163] About BPD Alliance, The Podcast: Where research and real life meet around borderline personality disorder. This episode is part of the BPD Alliance 25th Anniversary Podcast, marking 25 years of standing alongside individuals and families living with borderline personality disorder with the belief that healing, growth, and recovery are possible.   BPD Alliance is a nonprofit organization with a four-star Charity Navigator rating. To learn more or support our mission, visit bpdalliance.org.   If this episode helped, following the show and leaving a review helps someone else find it.   If you or someone you love is struggling, you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) in the U.S. Series music: Lisbeth Scott, "Following The Sun," courtesy of Valley Entertainment, Inc. https://ffm.to/following-the-sun-feat-orchid-quartet.ODL

What if borderline personality disorder isn’t best understood as a list of things that are “wrong” with someone? Carla Sharp, PhD, a professor at the University of Houston who studies the development of personality disorders, joins host Kiki Fehling, PhD, to discuss how our understanding of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is changing and how the way we define BPD affects the people who receive the diagnosis. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), published by the American Psychiatric Association, is the standard classification system for mental health diagnoses in the USA. The DSM-5-TR lists nine criteria for BPD, with five required for a diagnosis: 1. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment 2. Unstable, intense relationships (idealization and devaluation) 3. Unstable self-image 4. Impulsivity in at least two self-damaging areas 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or self-mutilation 6. Mood reactivity and emotional instability 7. Chronic emptiness 8. Intense or poorly controlled anger 9. Stress-related paranoia or dissociation.  Dr. Sharp discusses another approach, the Alternative Model for Personality Disorders (AMPD). Introduced in Section III of DSM-5 in 2013, the AMPD looks at more than a list of symptoms. It considers the personality patterns a person struggles with and how much those difficulties affect their sense of self and their relationships with other people. It focuses on four areas: identity (how you understand who you are), self-direction (your ability to set goals and make choices), empathy (your ability to understand other people’s experiences), and intimacy (your ability to form and maintain close relationships). This gives clinicians a fuller picture of where someone is struggling instead of defining them by whether they check off a certain number of symptoms. The episode also addresses the idea that BPD reflects a flaw in someone’s character. BPD is a mental health condition, effective treatments are available, and people can improve. (00:00) The pain of not being understood (01:36) What is BPD? Moving beyond traits (03:18) There is no single pathway to BPD (06:21) A different way to understand personality disorder (09:13) From fixed traits to a capacity that can change (15:18) BPD is not a character flaw (15:33) BPD is treatable, and why early intervention helps (17:51) Try this: challenge what you believe about BPD Try This Today: Think of a belief you have heard about BPD: “Everyone with BPD has experienced abuse.” “BPD is a character flaw.” “People with BPD can’t change.” Write it down. Next to it, write something you learned in this episode that challenges that belief. Notice the assumptions you may have absorbed about BPD and consider whether they match what we now know. References: Sharp, C., Clark, L. A., Balzen, K. M., Widiger, T., Stepp, S., Zimmerman, M., & Krueger, R. F. (2025). The validity, reliability and clinical utility of the Alternative DSM-5 Model for Personality Disorders (AMPD) according to DSM-5 revision criteria. World Psychiatry, 24(3), 319–340. Krueger, R. F., & Hobbs, K. A. (2020). An overview of the DSM-5 alternative model of personality disorders (AMPD). Psychopathology, 53(3–4), 126–132. About BPD Alliance: BPD Alliance, The Podcast. Where research and real life meet around borderline personality disorder. This episode is part of the BPD Alliance 25th Anniversary Podcast, marking 25 years of standing alongside individuals and families living with borderline personality disorder with the belief that healing, growth, and recovery are possible. BPD Alliance is a nonprofit organization with a four-star Charity Navigator rating. To learn more or support our mission, visit bpdalliance.org. If this episode helped, following the show and leaving a review helps someone else find it. If you or someone you love is struggling, you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) in the U.S. Series music: “Following the Sun” by Lisbeth Scott.

“Manipulative. Attention-seeking. Out of control.” These are the words we use about borderline personality disorder, and they make everything worse. Marie-Paule de Valdivia, MBA, LCSW is both the mother of a daughter with borderline personality disorder and a DBT therapist. Twenty years ago, she used every one of those words. In this episode, she tells host Andrea Gold, PhD what it took to see the other side of the labels, and how one shift in interpretation changed her family. Try This Today: When emotions are high and you have urges to respond harshly, borrow Marie-Paule's mantra: "benign, benign, benign." Slow down. Assume your loved one is doing the best they can in this moment, then choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. This may not come easily. But the alternative may do damage. (00:00) The words a mother used (01:27) Marie-Paule’s story (03:37) The class that changed everything (05:30) Becoming a clinician, seeing the other side (07:39) Getting out of stigma: “the best they can” (10:19) Try this: benign, benign, benign (12:58) One validating person (13:32) Words of hope Learn more about supporting a family member, including Family Connections, the free, evidence-based program developed by BPD Alliance for family members and loved ones supporting someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) traits or chronic emotion dysregulation. Reference: van Schie, C. C., Lewis, K., Barr, K. R., Jewell, M., Malcolmson, N., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2024). Borderline personality disorder and stigma: Lived experience perspectives on helpful and hurtful language. Personality and Mental Health, 18(3), 216–226⁠.⁠ About BPD Alliance, The Podcast: Where research and real life meet around borderline personality disorder. This episode is part of the BPD Alliance 25th Anniversary Podcast, marking 25 years of standing alongside individuals and families living with borderline personality disorder with the belief that healing, growth, and recovery are possible.   BPD Alliance is a nonprofit organization with a four-star Charity Navigator rating. To learn more or support our mission, visit bpdalliance.org.   If this episode helped, following the show and leaving a review helps someone else find it.   If you or someone you love is struggling, you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) in the U.S. Series music: Lisbeth Scott, "Following The Sun," courtesy of Valley Entertainment, Inc. ⁠⁠https://ffm.to/following-the-sun-feat-orchid-quartet.ODL⁠