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If you've been around for a while, you may have heard that we say you must have "0 arguments" in your marriage.  "But that's not normal." "But that's not healthy." "But that means someone is not being honest." Well, firstly, it's not my rule.  Among many other verses, let's look at Romans 1:29, 30, 32; 2:1, 2. “They have become filled with every kind of wickedness... murder, strife... gossips... arrogant and boastful..."  "Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them...” "Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness... God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance" -- Let's not take God's kindness for granted. Allow His patience and kindness with us to lead us to repentance.  Let us not take liberties because we haven't been "smitten" yet. -- I'll assume we're on the same page with the thoughts around no arguments, so how do you communicate differences?  Are differences of opinion or disagreements allowed in a marriage? YES.  But the marital relationship is unlike any other relationship.  There is a unity that is not like any other relationship. Thus, things must be sorted through in a way that does not compromise unity.  It matters how healthy your marriage is right now.  Some topics may need to wait until you're healthier before it's wise to bring it up. I have several practical ways of looking at this that I am excited to share.  May God bless you in this discernment of His way in your relationship.  Love,  Belah PS - Here is a free tool called the Marital Health Assessment to help you evaluate where you currently are in your marital health: delightyourmarriage.com/health PPS - Do you want help healing your marriage? We can help, and we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc Client Testimonial: Before MR: “The biggest struggles were that my wife and I had a gap between us and we were moving farther and farther away from each other. My wife would use my shared vulnerabilities immediately against me and was constantly mothering/telling me what to do and how to do it. We had physically separated in the home and arguments hinting at divorce were starting to creep in. Our marriage was sick.  Playfulness had long since gone from it, and the priorities of life and the world were weighing on us. I highly preferred not to be in the same room with her versus being around her.” After MR:  “I have grown to love my wife. I have grown to know God loves me enough to give me the miracle of a refreshed marriage—one that I’d hoped and prayed for but wasn’t sure I was worthy of the help. And I’m not. But He granted it anyway and it has made ALL the difference.  We are sharing plans and hopes for our future a lot more. We are making better decisions together.”

The definition of a half-truth is "a statement that conveys only part of the truth, especially one used deliberately in order to deceive someone." I don't know that anyone who says these half-truths is INTENTIONALLY choosing to deceive someone. I'd prefer to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. However, we must look at these beliefs and discern if they are scripturally based. Certainly, the enemy has deliberately used them to deceive and wreak horrific tragedies in marriages and families. Unfortunately, half-truths are more slippery and harder to discern than outright (obvious) lies.​ Because we see something that somewhat resembles God's way, but we haven't given it the time or held it up to scripture to discern if it is actually aligned. My hope in this episode is to help you discern truth from half-truths. Here are a few we talked about in this episode: Duty sex is bad (true... and there are things you should do to change that) Women should not feel they have to keep their husbands faithful by offering him sex (true... and she has an opportunity to love him well and fill this God-designed desire) Men should not oppress women (true... and he is designated as the leader of the home) Everyone fights and it's normal (true... and the Bible is clear that it is evil) Listen in to today's podcast: 419-Half Truths Can Destroy More than Lies Listen to the episodes on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or your favorite podcast platform I hope also you remember as I mentioned in the beginning ANYONE who has spoken these half-truths likely had great intentions. ​​Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that everyone is trying to help marriages become God's best... I hope this shines a light on how God Himself designed marriage to be, according to our guide, the Bible. Let's have charity and kindness with one another as fellow believers. We are just seeking God's way above our own.​   Love and submission to Jesus, Belah PS - We'd love to help you and your marriage. Find out how to have a free Clarity Call ($300 value!) at delightyourmarriage.com/cc PPS - A recent graduate who came first and then because of his changes the wife joined and God did amazing things (!!) wrote this: "Hi Belah, I am well, thank you! And thank you so much for EVERYTHING you've done for me and my marriage. Your positive impact on my family will resound for generations. Truly words don't do justice to the blessing that you and DYM have been to us. God is good!" Glory to God for all of it! I hope you'll allow us to journey with you and see God transform your life too! delightyourmarriage.com/cc

(This is a re-release from previously.) I used to be so weirded out by sex because I was pursuing Jesus with everything. How could my life be sold out for Christ and have to engage in such carnal behavior? Then God opened my eyes to quite a lot. I hope you’ll listen to today’s podcast with an open heart and willingness to let Him reveal His true design and desire for you in your marriage. Love & Blessings, Belah PS – We'd love to help with your marriage/intimacy please set up a call with a Clarity Advisor to see how we can help: delightyourmarriage.com/cc

"We're just so different." "We have nothing in common." "Our personalities are not compatible."   This is a big problem in marriages.  People notice differences and assume it's a bad thing.  This is understandable...but very wrong.    God, in His amazing creativity, designed your spouse and you differently.  He also made a deer look differently than an alligator. He made a duck's personality differently than an anaconda's.  He made the octopus loners, but curious, and the ant disciplined, but incredibly collaborative. Why do we assume and expect God to make two humans alike?  Especially when the two sexes are SO different in many other ways (hair growth, voice pitch, hip width...to name a few!) You're different from your spouse and it's to be marveled at as God's handiwork (Ephesians 3).  And, HE knit your spouse together (Psalms 139).  You GET to appreciate their uncommon traits. Not scowl and be annoyed at how unusual they are. This is GOD's creativity that YOU get to enjoy if you have the right perspective.    That's my invitation today.  Put on new glasses when you look at your spouse. The glasses of appreciating their uniqueness and idiosyncrasies and make that something that fills you with joy and respectful amusement and admiration. Love, Belah   PS Do you want help developing healthy mindsets like this? We can help and we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc.   Client Testimonial: Before Delighted Wife:  “Coming into the program initially, things between us were very bad. We could not speak to each other at all and we felt pretty hopeless. Our home was constantly full of tension and negativity. My husband was singling out our son and taking his frustrations out on him.”   After Delighted Wife: “My biggest celebration is my shift in mindset and being able to see the good in my husband once again. Even for a long time while I was in the program, I was convinced that if my husband would "do something," things would improve. I did not realize how much I contributed to the discord in our marriage. I didn't realize how hard my heart was or how much healing needed to take place.   It has changed everything! If I were to take the marital health assessment, I think our score would still be a low number, but we are the happiest we have ever been and I am going to focus on that and on making tomorrow better than today.”

"Why can't I be fulfilled by what I SHOULD be able to?" -Higher-drive men, Higher-drive women "Why can't I get aroused by what I SHOULD be able to?"  -Lower-drive women, PI/ED men   I want to invite you to consider what brings you pleasure.  I want you to consider what causes you to ENJOY life.  At Delight Your Marriage we focus a lot of intimacy. (And this episode does too).  God has designed sex to be a way to receive pleasure.  But is it God's only way for you to receive pleasure in this amazing world? Did Jesus receive pleasure in this world? (Even without sex?)    For higher drive husbands/wives (or those in sexless marriages): You are a wo/man who doesn't receive the pleasure from sex that you crave. Jesus was tempted in every way that we are, and yet he never sinned. (HOW???) For lower-drive wives/porn-induced ED/ED men: When you go on a journey of resensitizing your pleasure to everything this amazing world has to offer, you also resensitize yourself to the amazing gift of intimacy your spouse's unique body that God gives you in marriage.  Gaining pleasure in many more things in this life is incredibly important for you to fulfill God's call in the world.  Too many leaders/pastors/preachers have secret (and sometimes horrific) sins because they have no pressure release from the HARD work of ministry.  They do not have ANY pleasure activities except sex (at least that's what they think constitutes a holy life). It's hard.  Jesus knows it's hard to resist temptation. But he had MANY ways of receiving pleasure that had nothing to do with sex He had zero "sinful outside-of-marriage sex" and he had zero "holy inside-of-marriage sex". I invite you to listen with a curious heart to how God might want to invite you to resensitize yourself to the pleasure in HIS good world (in and out of marital intimacy) so that you can do the will of the Father ...as Jesus did.   Blessings, Belah PS - We'd love to help you and your marriage be all that God wants it to be to ultimately support the life and call God wants you to have... go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc for all the information of first steps! PPS -Recent wife grad: "I wish I could really express just how many celebrations I’ve had through my weeks in this program. Both alone, and in my marriage." Let's go! delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Many of our wife listeners have lower drives than their husbands. (I hear you!) And that’s just the way it is. Nothing to be done, just deal with it.    Also, if they’re like I have been, since she has a lower sex drive she just has to put up with the requirement of her to make love even though she’s less than enthusiastic about it because she has to have sex and can’t do the things she really wants to be doing. Or sometimes avoids it altogether.    I have been there. And so has Sarah.    She and I both have high drive husbands.    And we both know that sex is supposed to be a beautiful gift and a joy for him but we just couldn’t desire it even if we wanted to.     I want to allow you to hear Sarah’s heart because she knew something wasn’t right.    She loved her husband and they waited till marriage to engage sexually together, as is biblical, but her desire just wasn’t there, and it was so disheartening.    But, she rejected the idea that there was nothing she could do about it. Even when sexual assault was in her past, she hoped God could still redeem and heal her sexuality.    I’m excited for you to hear her story and see how you might be blessed by the advice and encouragement.   Her first step was sharing her story with someone who gets it. That was the free Clarity Call she had with someone who had walked this road before and can share there is hope for change!   Love, Belah   PS - Would you like help? We would love to help. Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc to have a compassionate and helpful conversation to evaluate if you’re a good fit for our programs.   PPS - If you’re a husband who wants his wife to do what Sarah did, the best thing you can do is work on yourself first.   From a guy who has been there, took the next steps, and did the work: “Before taking the course I would have defined our struggle as not being on the same page sexually. I thought that her view of me, and the attitudes that she held, were hurting our marriage. She thought I was too demanding and moody when my expectations weren't met. I felt she prioritized work, kids, church, her phone, etc. above me. The vast majority of the intimacy we had was duty sex.  My biggest challenge has been my lack of understanding. I didn't realize how much pain I was causing her, or how self focused I was. I was trying to get her to change and should have been working on me. I am skilled at justifying myself and passing blame on my own heart. Understanding the concepts of Safe, Known, and Cherished was a big deal. Forgiveness and apologizing have been huge. The disciplines of faith statements, gratitude, prayer, and Bible reading make for a solid start to my day. My wife has told me she feels safe. She has begun to trust that my change is not a passing fad. I have gained understanding in how to love her well. I look forward to being around her, and to pampering her and loving her well. This has overflowed into intimacy emotionally, spiritually, and physically.”

In approaching the new year, I invite you to rewind your calendar and consider...your marital performance in 2023. What if I asked your spouse what it was like being married to YOU this past year? Yikes! If my spouse chose to be fully open and honest I think I'd have plenty of... ehemmm... "growth-opportunities". :)   Seriously though... feel free to go back through your calendar and check out what your priorities were throughout the year. Day by day. Week by week. Month by month. What was it like being married to YOU?   If marriage is your first human assignment, was that reflected in... How you spent your time? How you spoke/listened to them? How you spent your energy?   How you loved them the way he or she receives love?   Assume you're looking at your year through your spouse's eyes. What were your challenges of the year? What were the things you should celebrate?   Now that you have thought through that... We all know marriages are under attack, so what are you doing about it in your own home? You want it strong to withstand the challenges. & If you're a pastor or ministry leader, what are you doing about this for your flock or in your organization? (Aside: We have some exciting resources for ministry leaders that we'll be sharing with you in upcoming communications -- make sure you're on our email list to get notifications.)   In this episode, I have some practical next steps and things to ponder as you're setting out into this fresh year.   Love & Blessings, Belah   PS - We'd love to help heal your marriage in 2024 (as has happened many times before), feel free to take us up on our gift to you: Clarity Call. delightyourmarriage.com/cc    

As we are soon gathering together with loved ones to celebrate the Savior's birth, I would love for you to remember what life is all about.  When we meet Jesus face to face, what do we want to be true of us? In today's episode, I walk you through a meditation I did with our men's graduate group a couple of months ago.  It is really meant to give you a chance to consider eternity. What is Christmas really about?  It's about Jesus. And are we living in light of His life, will and ultimate sacrifice.  I invite you to listen in and gain more insight into what you want that day to be. Because we are Delight Your Marriage we focus a lot on marriage, but we will all stand before Jesus one day and this is good practice :)   Love,  Belah PS - Maybe you're considering launching into a healing season for your marriage in the New Year -- if so, sign up for a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc PPS - A recent lady graduate:  "Years ago I prayed to God for a short life. I didn't want to break my marriage vow, but I didn't see how I could be happy with him and it was getting harder as the children became adults. Death seemed to be the only acceptable answer. I was obviously very unhappy.  Now I enjoy spending time with him, look forward to dates and vacations, and we laugh and work things out together. I believe we are a great team! It's a miracle that we enjoy and like each other again. Physical intimacy is better than ever. He cares about me and I feel secure. When we come together physically, we feel closer and both of us look forward to it! I miss him when he gets busy with work and would be devastated if something happened to him." Maybe you're transformation is next. Learn more in a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

It's hard to discern (or even admit) if we are obsessed.  So here's the definition:  "an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind." Is your marriage an obsession?  Or is God's will an obsession? (And your marriage is an important part of God's will for you.) I encourage you to consider what God's will is for you in this next season. It's all about priorities.  If God is your first priority then everything else falls underneath.  He puts all of our lives into perspective.  Marriage shouldn't put all of our lives in perspective. It must be God first, then we can rightly serve our spouse well. I want to invite you to rightly obsess over God's will and put marriage in its proper place so that it's healed and somewhat on "autopilot" so you can get on with God's will for your life.  Listen in to understand more about what this means for you. (I have an exciting announcement included in our conversation today, I'd love for you to hear it!)  Love,  Belah PS - If you're in a really hard place or even a really great place, I encourage you to get on a Clarity Call.  Maybe (as a gent emailed me today) your marriage is a 10, but you feel you need to take this course because YOU need to become the man/woman your spouse needs, then we'd love to help.  delightyourmarriage.com/cc   A recent grad shared: (we try to never reuse testimonial quotes in multiple emails jfyi) “I've grown a lot spiritually, I had thought that I had always been a pretty good Christian...but realized that I was very selective in when and how I followed God's word. I feel a lot closer to God, and now realize that I can't really do marriage well on my own and truly need Him.  The program was great! It so aligned with what I needed... If people seem stuck, don't hesitate to push...I know we should take that initiative ourselves but sometimes a spark or catalyst can help.  I really believe in what you're doing...it's the best program out there… and think this program can really help a lot of people." Learn more at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

After 33 years of marriage, they were disconnected.  At that point, they were sleeping in separate bedrooms.  Maybe you're at a spot where it's hard to have hope because it has been SO hard for SO long.  Jacques is here to say, even when only you do the work, it can change.  Glory to God.  Blessings, Belah PS - Could your marriage be one of the next ones to transform? Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc. You don't have to, but what if you do?   Quote from a client... Before the program: "My biggest struggle coming into MR was openness with my wife about what I was thinking and feeling and fear of asking her about what was going on in her life. I had just come out of therapy for my addiction of lust and porn and trust was a big issue. I wanted her to know that she was the only one for me and I didn't know how to do that. I knew our marriage could be so much more but didn't know how to make that happen. It was a constant weight on me that made my everyday life like walking around on eggshells."   After the program: "DYM has given me the confidence and tools to be able to handle difficult situations with my wife. It has given me such a better understanding of how my wife thinks and what is important to her. I have learned that I have to be the leader of the relationship. I love how the program was based on scripture in the bible. I learned how God wanted us to treat our wives and then how to do it. Surprisingly it has helped with my porn and lustful addiction. Now I respect women and my wife as they are all God's daughters. I am so excited for the next stage of my marriage."  

You may wonder when God is going to show up in your life.   In your situation.    In your marriage.    You may believe in God but don’t feel His love for you, or at least haven’t for a long time.    Maybe you felt His love for you at first, and that is what brought you to give your life to Jesus, but slowly, things have really gotten stale.    Maybe like your marriage.    It was great at first. But slowly other loves entered the picture. Children. Careers. Commitments. Current events. Costs. Culture. Cars. Curtains. (Other things that also start with “C”. :)   Ultimately, our job is to sacrifice for our priorities.    God.  Spouse. Kids. Everything else.   If you’re not sacrificing for each (in that order), then it makes sense that you’re not feeling the love from them.    I encourage you to listen with a curious heart attuned to what the Lord may be drawing you to.   Blessings, Belah   PS - If you’d like our help with your marriage, your first step is a Clarity Call (a free gift from us) delightyourmarriage.com/cc     Before the Delighted Wife Program:   "Problems with tension and unforgiveness, exhaustion from childcare, loss of connection and lack of wholehearted intimacy. Husband was extremely resentful of me. I’ve lost respect for him. Was close to divorce. There wasn’t peace at home, kids constantly saw us arguing, I didn’t want to be at home, I was doing many things on my own with the kids because my husband didn’t want to do things with me, I was craving for other male attention who valued me.”  After the Delighted Wife Program:            "My heart has softened and I can now see the brokenness in my husband, that he was just a very wounded soul. He was trying to love me and wanted this marriage to work but he had no clue how to go about improving it and was instead making things worse.  Wholehearted intimacy. Not arguing for a long time and the atmosphere has completely shifted, there is peace at home and he is a much happier and better father to the children... Impacted everything, it turned everything around. My husband is now loving, patient, caring, and a very present and patient father.”  

Tomorrow is the day (in the US) we set aside to be grateful.   Or it’s a day we set aside to get frustrated with family, binge eat, and watch football.   Just kidding.   I invite you to do Thanksgiving this year, Jesus way.   Let’s allow peace, joy, and thanksgiving being the most important aspects of this holiday.   Everything else is after those.   Let’s be intentional to not allow wounds of the past (even from yesterday) to rob our kids or extended family of the opportunity to see how Jesus followers love each other. Whether they deserve it or not.   I want to just encourage you to do a few things if your marriage is tense right now.   Take 100% ownership to turn it to thanksgiving. Here are some very basic and very practical steps.   Love, Belah     PS - If you’d like our help to turn your marriage around, we’re here for you. Your first step is a free Clarity Call: delightyourmarriage.com/cc