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Patriarchy, supremacy, and toxic individualism are cultural values that really are at the root of so many social and political problems we face today. Systemic change can seem overwhelming, if not nearly impossible. But changing the power structure within our most intimate relationships? That’s something we can definitely do–starting today. How? By shifting from Me vs. You consciousness to Us consciousness and learning to act from our wise adult rather than our adaptive child as we work through hard things with our partners. When we do this, we spark a cultural butterfly effect that ripples outward into the world. As this episode’s guest, Terry Real, says, “We may not be able to bring peace to Ukraine for example, but we can bring peace to our living rooms and our bedrooms. And why don't we start with where we live?” Terry Real is the creator of Relational Life Therapy and author of the forthcoming book, Us. Tune in as Terry shares his insight on speaking to your immature, adaptive child parts vs. speaking to your wise adult parts, key differences in how boys and girls are conditioned to be in relationship and how to relearn what was taught out of us as children, the harm that patriarchy and individualism cause us in relationships and how relationships can upend them, masculinity and the current state of our country, the power in changing the choices we make in relationship in order to get more of what we want (rather than pointing the finger at our partners), plus a relational skill assignment to try in your relationship right now. Note: This podcast episode was recorded in February 2022, before certain current events in the U.S. took place, such as the massacres in Buffalo, NY, Uvalde, TX, the Depp/Heard trial, and news leaked from Supreme Court of the decision to strike down Roe v. Wade, all of which have roots in supremacy, patriarchy and toxic individualism. Any omissions of such events in this conversation are not intentional, though we hope the correlations between these events and the issues discussed in this episode come through and further underscore the need for this work at every level from the most intimate to the collective. RESOURCES: Learn more about Terry Real and his work at https://terryreal.com/ (TerryReal.com). You can order Terry Real’s new book, Us, https://terryreal.com/us-book/ (here). If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining one of Rebecca’s online offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your Self care. Learn more at connectfulness.com/offerings Also, please check out the https://whydoesmypartner.com/ (WHY DOES MY PARTNER) short form weekly podcast. This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.

What our culture teaches us about sex isn’t very useful. Many of us have absorbed the message that sex is a means to some kind of end–orgasm, connection, a baby. We’ve learned that there’s a right and a wrong way to do it. We’ve even learned that sex is natural. It’s no wonder then that when our libido doesn’t match our partner’s or our desires don’t match our politics, we assume there must be something wrong with us. Here’s the real truth: There is nothing wrong with you. Or your partner. So many of us have just been trying to conform to someone else’s narrow version of sexuality (often without even realizing it). If we slow down and take the time, we can instead get to know the sexuality that is uniquely ours and the fulfillment we all deserve. This week’s guest, Cyndi Darnell, says in her forthcoming book, "The body has always belonged to either God or science. There has never been a time in Western history that the body truly belonged to the person who inhabits it." She says we can begin to reclaim our bodies for ourselves by unlearning the things we’ve been taught about sex that aren’t serving us. By rediscovering our libidos and desires. By learning how to show ourselves to ourselves. By being in our bodies. Cyndi, clinical sexologist and sex and relationship therapist who works with clients all over the globe, is here to tell us how. Learn more about Cyndi Darnell and her work at https://cyndidarnell.com/ (CyndiDarnell.com) You can preorder her book, Sex When You Don't Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire at https://cyndidarnell.com/book/ (cyndidarnell.com/book) If you want to dive in deeper, consider joining ourhttps://whydoesmypartner.com/events/p/bootcamp-feb2022 ( Relationship Bootcamp) or exploring Rebecca's offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your self-care. Learn more athttps://my.captivate.fm/connectfulness.com/offerings ( connectfulness.com) Also, please check out our sister podcast,https://whydoesmypartner.com/ ( Why Does My Partner)

In Lissa Rankin’s book, Sacred Medicine, she writes, "We live in a disembodied culture because trauma causes us to leave our bodies. It is a defense mechanism and in extreme cases, a survival skill that can save you. Yet you can't heal the body without being in it." Our culture encourages dissociation: Buy this product to feel better, drink this to escape, distract yourself with social media. Numb out, stay busy, look outside yourself. And yet, science has enough data to say with certainty that trauma causes pain and illness in the body. This is no longer a woo-woo idea. Sometimes, dissociation absolutely saves us. Other times, it keeps us in patterns that no longer serve to the point of making us sick. In this rich conversation, Lissa and Rebecca discuss the paradoxes in healing trauma: trauma is treatable but you have to be in the body to heal it. They discuss the necessary skills in drawing on all of your intelligences—your intellectual intelligence, yes, but also your somatic, intuitive, and emotional intelligences—and why we must stay in our bodies enough to pay attention to them. They also discuss nuances of power-over/power-under dynamics and the paradox of why the reward of shared-power-with is so unfathomable to someone in a power-over position and yet, the reward is so compelling and full of possibility. RESOURCES: Learn more about Lissa Rankin and her work at LissaRankin.com and HealAtLast.org. If you want to dive in deeper, consider joining ourhttps://whydoesmypartner.com/events/p/bootcamp-feb2022 ( Relationship Bootcamp) or exploring Rebecca's offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your self-care. Learn more athttps://my.captivate.fm/connectfulness.com/offerings ( connectfulness.com) Also, please check out our sister podcast, https://whydoesmypartner.com/ (Why Does My Partner). This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider. Thanks for listening! We invite you to deepen into the discussion with us onhttps://www.instagram.com/connectfulness ( instagram) and please support the show by sharing and reviewing the episode.

Dear listeners, for this month’s episode, we decided to do something a little different. Instead of interviewing a special guest, we’ve turned the tables and your host has become the guest! Out of curiosity and a sense of play (two things we adore here at Connectfulness), Rebecca agreed to be interviewed by our podcast editor, https://alhoberman.com/ (Al Hoberman), who is also a fabulous music therapist. Together, they let the conversation meander where it will, delving into topics like why we can never be “healed and ready” for a relationship before entering into it, the importance of knowing oneself (and why it feels so scary at first), implicit and conscious memories, the burden of generational survival mechanisms and why they should be celebrated and released, and the power that lies in letting things get awkward. This episode was really fun to record. We hope it’s equally fun for you to listen in. Should we do more of these? Do you have questions you’d like us to unpack? Let us know by emailing us at [email protected] or through our contact page. RESOURCES:If you want to dive in deeper, consider joining our https://whydoesmypartner.com/events/p/bootcamp-feb2022 (Relationship Bootcamp) or exploring Rebecca's offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your self-care. Learn more at https://my.captivate.fm/connectfulness.com/offerings (connectfulness.com) Also, please check out our sister podcast, https://whydoesmypartner.com/ (Why Does My Partner). This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.

“I can’t adult today” makes for great social media fodder. But as with all humor, there’s a nugget of truth in there. How many models do we have for adulting that is healthy, balanced, secure and relational? Our culture has sold us quite a bill of goods: Independence and “rugged individualism” as an indication that we’ve become successful adults. Perfection or mastery as the ultimate goal. Self-care has become “treat yourself”. The pop psychology idea that having boundaries means you get to tell someone else what they can and can’t do. Even the idea that objective reality not only exists but should rule over all else. The truth is, none of these concepts are serving us very well because there is a whole lot of nuance and self-attunement missing. Terri Delaney is here to debunk all of these ideas. Disrupting our old programming won’t necessarily make life easier, but it does offer each of us more grace, a chance to heal, and the power to get out of our own way. This delicious conversation contains so much. Terri and I discuss the unicorn parenting most of us never got and why there’s still hope if we didn’t, how to use the “full apology” and why it works, and the overlap in understanding our inherent worth, our subjective realities, and having good boundaries. Terri illustrates what listening and containing boundaries look like and why protecting ourselves is our responsibility, not anyone else’s. She differentiates between wants and needs, and explains why both matter. We muse on the spiritual component of this work and why moderation is actually a form of humility. She even turns anti-dependence on its head by explaining how it’s actually a covert form of dependency in a way that might blow your mind. Join us as we unpack what it really means to operate from our functional adult selves and what a work-in-progress we all are. RESOURCES:Learn more about Terri Delaney and her work at https://www.relationalskillbuilding.com/ (relationalskillbuilding.com) and https://www.terridelaney.com/ (terridelaney.com) Book mentioned: https://www.amazon.com/How-Parent-You-Always-Wanted/dp/B00F8K44KE/ref=sr_1_2?crid=28XCCPVSUC5U0andkeywords=how+to+be+the+parent+you+always+wanted+to+beandqid=1645199719andsprefix=Adele+faber+how+to+be+the+parent%2Caps%2C80andsr=8-2 (How to Become the Parent You Always Wanted to Be) by Adele Faber You may also want to listen to episodes https://connectfulness.com/episode/18-welcoming-our-protective-systems-juliane-taylor-shore (18) and https://connectfulness.com/episode/025-science-behind-how-your-relationship-can-help-you-heal-juliane-taylor-shore (25.) And if you want to dive in deeper, consider joining our https://whydoesmypartner.com/events/p/bootcamp-feb2022 (Relationship Bootcamp) or exploring Rebecca's offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your self-care. Learn more at https://my.captivate.fm/connectfulness.com/offerings (connectfulness.com) Also, please check out our sister podcast, https://whydoesmypartner.com/ (Why Does My Partner). This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.

So often, many of us are still just waiting on our parents to show up for us in the way we needed them to when we were little. Sometimes we’re consciously aware of this, oftentimes we’re not. And it can continue long after our parents have passed, if we haven’t made the unconscious conscious and learned to reparent ourselves. Otherwise, we often unintentionally seek this fulfillment from our most intimate relationships. In this episode, I chat with fellow Certified Relational Life Therapist, Shane Birkel, who is able to take these big concepts and ground them in very clear language and context. If you’re new or feeling resistance to the idea of Relational Life Therapy, this episode is a great point of entry. Tune in as Shane and I discuss families of origin, healthy versus toxic shame, the importance of compassion and grief work during conflict, and what healthy relationships actually look like. RESOURCES: For great little relational videos, find Shane Birkel on https://www.tiktok.com/@shanebirkel (Tiktok). You can learn more about Shane's work at https://shanebirkel.com/ (ShaneBirkel.com). You can also check out Shane’s podcast, https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/blog (The Couples Therapist Couch). If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining our upcoming https://whydoesmypartner.com/events/p/bootcamp-feb2022 (Relationship Bootcamp) or one of Rebecca's online offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your self-care. Learn more at connectfulness.com/offerings Also, please check out our sister podcast, https://whydoesmypartner.com/ (Why Does My Partner). This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.

Life gets bumpy at times. We as humans make mistakes, we cause harm, things can get awkward or uncomfortable. This doesn’t change when you learn new relational skills. We never stop having those moments in our intimate relationships. We just get better at sitting with the awkward and imperfect. In this episode, I chat with Gina Senarighi about what happens when we bring the observational self onboard and practice being in the awkward with our partners. We discuss perfectionism, creativity, pleasure and play, shifting from judgment to curiosity, and making the most of things versus going into a sulky place. The lesson Gina and I both have learned in our relationships and in our work is that there is no perfect relational tool to end conflict or mistake-making. The real transformational practice is getting comfortable with discomfort and in staying present. RESOURCES: Get to know more about Gina Senarighi at https://heygina.com/ (HeyGina.com) Listen to Gina Senarighi dish out relationship advice on https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/swoon-love-lessons-with-julie-and-gina/id1455655840 (The Swoon Podcast) Learn more about Gina’s online relationship course at https://swoonwithus.com/ (SwoonWithUs.com) Check out Gina’s new relationship workbook, https://bookshop.org/books/love-more-fight-less-communication-skills-every-couple-needs-a-relationship-workbook-for-couples/9780593196656 (Love More, Fight Less) If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining one of Rebecca’s online offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your Self-care. Learn more at connectfulness.com/offerings Also, please check out our sister podcast, https://whydoesmypartner.captivate.fm/ (Why Does My Partner). This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.

When conflict arises in our relationships, what does it mean to shift from 1st consciousness to 2nd consciousness? It has a lot to do with shifting from a preoccupation of the self into self-awareness of our own “going up” and “going down” as well as curiosity about other perspectives. This alone is a complex conversation, but believe it or not, it’s one that can be grasped and practiced quicker than you’d think. And once you have an understanding of it, it’s like someone’s turned a light on and you realize there’s so much more you can see clearly. Full disclaimer though: this is only the beginning! Self-awareness and 2nd consciousness is a life-long practice with many more lightbulbs to turn on along the way. Like all new things, it’s wobbly and awkward at times. Perfection just isn’t a thing when it comes to being human. (Does that disappoint you to hear or does it release you?) Vickey Easa and I love musing on these things and we really dig in this week on the podcast. Tune in as we talk about the message perfection is really sending, both inwardly and outwardly, why contempt is always the thing behind being less than or better than, and how Vickey and I are both still working on all of this in our own lives. RESOURCES:Learn more about Vickey Easa at https://vickeyeasa.com/ (VickeyEasa.com) and download her free guide at http://www.yourdecisiondiva.com/ (YourDecisionDiva.com) And, if you haven’t already, be sure to check out our podcast, https://whydoesmypartner.com/episodes (W,hy Does My Partner), that Vickey and I cohost along with our dear friend and colleague Jules Shore. Ready to transform your relationship? Join Vickey, Jules, and me at our upcoming https://whydoesmypartner.com/events/p/bootcamp-nov2021 (Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp) on Nov. 20 and 21. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, Rebecca has a few online offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your Self care. Learn more at https://connectfulness.com/offerings (connectfulness.com) This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.

So often, we tend to think of boundaries in a punitive way, a way to protect us after something has happened. They often show up as consequences, even sometimes creating a continuous cycle of retaliation and defensiveness. But what if there was a way of thinking about them as a protection that helps us understand how to be relational—A protective layer for your relationships to ensure needs are met while preventing resentment or hurt? It’s not only possible, it’s so necessary. There’s a catch though: As my latest guest, Sharon Martin. MSW, LCSW, will tell you, you need to know who you are and what you need, in order to put healthy boundaries into place. And, since so many of us weren’t raised with healthy boundaries as children or maybe weren’t given age-appropriate space to discover who we are, this presents some messy boundary issues for us as adults. Listen in as Sharon tells us why we all deserve healthy boundaries and how we can make small shifts that make a huge difference in our lives and relationships. RESOURCES:Learn more about Sharon Martin, MSW, LCSW and her work at http://livewellwithsharonmartin.com (Livewellwithsharonmartin.com) Pre-Order Sharon’s new book, The Better Boundaries Workbook, on https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684037581?_encoding=UTF8andpsc=1andlinkCode=sl1andtag=shamarcouperg-20andlinkId=b2eb6f3526ffcc1bb07562b8c100c893andlanguage=en_USandref_=as_li_ss_tl (Amazon), available 11/1/2021. If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining one of Rebecca’s online offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your Self care. Learn more at https://connectfulness.com/offerings (connectfulness.com/offerings) Also, please check out the newhttp://whydoesmypartner.com/ ( WHY DOES MY PARTNER) short form weekly podcast. This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.

Dr. Stan Tatkin and Kara Hoppe, psychotherapists and co-authors of Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents, join the podcast to share their wisdom on creating secure, purposeful relationships in a world that is indifferent to us. They explain why this relationship is so imperative, especially when it comes to raising healthy, happy children. Stan and Kara both bring a wealth of understanding of neurobiology and personal relational experience to this conversation. We talk about the importance of humor, how suffering can motivate us toward change, and how we can shift from being feeling-centered to purpose-centered in our relationship. All of this ultimately makes us better parents and creates a secure relational foundation for our children. In other words, this is how we parents can make it through the overwhelm, heal wounds for future generations, and begin to create the world we want to live in. Whether you’re expecting your first child, are deep in the throes of raising children already, or just want to be a parent someday, this conversation is for you. RESOURCES:Learn more about Dr. Stan Tatkin, his upcoming trainings and retreats and more at https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ (https://www.thepactinstitute.com/) Follow him on social media: https://twitter.com/drstantatkin (Twitter), https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstitute (Facebook), https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/ (Instagram) Learn more about Kara Hoppe and her upcoming virtual retreats for couples at https://www.karahoppe.com/ (https://www.karahoppe.com/) Follow her on social media: https://twitter.com/kara_hoppe (Twitter), https://www.facebook.com/karahoppetherapy (Facebook), https://www.instagram.com/karahoppe/ (Instagram) Buy their book, Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents, on https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Bomb-Relationship-Survival-Parents/dp/168403731X (Amazon) or https://bookshop.org/books/baby-bomb-a-relationship-survival-guide-for-new-parents/9781684037315 (Bookshop.org). Listen to Rebecca’s conversation with Dr. Stan Tatkin from Season 1 of the Connectfulness podcast, https://connectfulness.com/episode/006-stan-tatkin (Episode 6 “Why Are Relationships Difficult? With Stan Tatkin”) https://connectfulness.com/ (connectfulness.com) If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining one of Rebecca’s online offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your Self care. Learn more at https://connectfulness.com/offerings (connectfulness.com/offerings) Also, please check out the new http://whydoesmypartner.com/ (WHY DOES MY PARTNER) short form weekly podcast. This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.

The pandemic isn’t over yet, but life is opening back up again. For some of us reopening can feel like whiplash just as much as it did when everything suddenly shut down. This comes as a surprise for so many because who of us didn’t dream about what we were most looking forward to doing when the world reopened again? It turns out it’s not so simple. With everything opening up so rapidly, it takes slowing down to reflect and notice what is bubbling up for us. In this episode, we explore windows of tolerance and how we can stay grounded and in our bodies as we test out the different facets of re-entry. We also hold tight to the lessons learned over the last year and question how we can be more intentional in how we redesign our lives going forward. There is wisdom in what we do to survive. For all the challenges, pain, and grief of the past year or more, there is also gratitude, joy, and possibly even a fear of forgetting. As Paola Bailey, Psy.D. says, “We have an opportunity and you have to claim it.” This is our last episode of the season. We’ll return in late September with a fresh new season. RESOURCES:Paola Bailey, Psy.D. is a bi-cultural, tri-lingual, clinical psychologist who works online with clients in NY and CA thru a feminist psychotherapy and trauma-informed lens. You can find her online at https://www.paolabailey.com (paolabailey.com) and on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/drpaolabailey/ (@drpaolabailey). https://connectfulness.com/ (connectfulness.com) If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining one of Rebecca’s online offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your Self care. Learn more at https://connectfulness.com/offerings (connectfulness.com/offerings) Also, please check out the new http://whydoesmypartner.com/ (WHY DOES MY PARTNER) short form weekly podcast. This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.

No matter where you are on your healing journey, this episode has much to offer about therapy and setting boundaries. It highlights a gentle way to approach long term healing and reinforces the value of discerning and setting boundaries that keep our selves safe and deepen our relationships. Relationships are foundational to our individual and collective wellbeing. Generation after generation of intergenerational trauma have imparted messages that tell us it's selfish/unsafe to focus on our selves. In this episode, we explore how compassionate self inquiry helps expand our understanding of boundaries beyond protection and walls towards invitations for deeper closeness. Healthy relationships feel expansive. Therapy helps us become more expansive, healthier humans, more connected to our full messy, authentic, human selves, to others, and more present in the world. As Esther Boykin says, “therapy is not a dirty word.” RESOURCES:Esther Boykin is a psychotherapist who wants to live in a world where everyone believes that Therapy Is Not A Dirty Word. Whether in her role as CEO of Group Therapy Associates, a coach, consultant, author, or media expert, she works daily to make mental health accessible, innovative, and culturally relevant for all people. Find Esther online at https://estherboykin.com/ (estherboykin.com), https://www.grouptherapyassociates.com/ (grouptherapyassociates.com), https://therapyisnotadirtyword.com/ (therapyisnotadirtyword.com), and on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/estherbmft/ (@estherbmft). https://connectfulness.com/ (connectfulness.com) If you enjoyed this episode and want to dive in deeper, consider joining one of Rebecca’s online offerings to deepen your relational skills and expand your Self care. Learn more at https://connectfulness.com/offerings (connectfulness.com/offerings) Also, please check out the new http://whydoesmypartner.com/ (WHY DOES MY PARTNER) short form weekly podcast. This podcast is not a substitute for counseling with a licensed provider.