Advertise on podcast: Walkie Talkie - A Walking Podcast

This summer I met my friend Riel at 3rd Beach, Vancouver's second greatest beach, to chat and go for a swim. We talked at length about the usual things: death, bodies, flag persons, noise pollution and the best way to get into the Pacific.  

My old friend Michael Teigen and I hike up Nelson Canyon to Whyte Lake on Hollyburn Mountain. We talk about death, pedophiles, and acting. The holy trinity. Hope you like it.  But first I complain about MUSIC AS POLLUTION.  I don't like classic rock. I don't like that  Steely Dan song that we've all been forced to listen to.. Or the same Lynard Skynard songs you hear over and over on the radio. Like music hasn’t been made since 1970-whatever. It's the same with the Pop standards as well. I'm sick of them.  If I go into the Guardian drug store near my house I will invariably be humming Ed Sheeran for the rest of the day. And that music is awful.But I know it's me that is the problem, not Ed.  Earworm Sensitivity Disorder. It’s a real thing. Or as real as Restless Leg Syndrome or fybromyalgae. When I hear a song, good or bad, I cannot not digest it properly.  I agree restaurants require music in the background. But when it is deafening I try to get them to turn it down. It rarely works. I offer to pay them to turn it down. They look at me like I don’t like fun, or puppies or sunshine.  So what am I to do? I have two options… One: Exposure Therapy. I am going to listen to oldies music and other Jurassic dreck on my spotify account a little bit a day. I will do it under the guise of exposing my young children to all types of music even if it is the same three Bob Marley songs we’ve all heard one million times. Even if it is “Creep” by Radiohead as if they’ve never written another song. Even if it’s Steely f*****g Dan and his simpering over-production.  Two: Stop Having Friends and Die Alone. This is an option. I have seen it. Not pretty. When I’m alone I argue with less people. When I’m alone I alienate fewer. When I’m alone I harm no one. But I don’t stop talking angrily. I just do it to myself. Which is worse? Being with people that aren’t exactly like you and keeping your mouth shut once in a while or dying alone muttering to yourself?  I require friendship more than anything else apart from reading and writing. This is truer now as I am old and no longer in need of sex and intimacy like when I was younger. So my choice is clear. Now that I’m pushing 50 I am going to stop acting like a baby/old person.  Exhibit A: I find my quieter friends saying more now that I listen more. Ding! Surprising I know.  B. I have a song that I keep at the ready in case of aural abuse. It’s called Chinatown and it’s by DO Make Say Think and it will pleasantly reset your brain to neutral.  C. By walking towards the s****y music somehow I don’t hear it as much anymore. It doesn’t make much sense but it’s a Buddhist thing. Look it up.  D. The other night I went into the same said Guardian Drugs to get some nose spray. Because I can’t live with out it. That and lip balm. And melatonin. And anti-reflux meds. And boner pills. I’m getting off topic. Inside the Guardian there was the hardest rap playing over those tiny ceiling-mounted speakers.  I mean this man was very angry at the in his life. Apparently they had done a real number on him.  I got my nose spray and then went up to the cashier.  “That’s some pretty intense rap happening right now.” And the future rocket scientist said “I really like this playlist but yeah that one is heavy. You just gotta let it play man.”  Okay, sure fella. Just got to get through it eh? No chance of editing these playlists. Once they're made they are set in stone.   "Have a good night Sir."  As untenable as that rap song was it was still preferable to Ed Sheeran it did not stick in my head. I now do all of my pharmaceutical shopping in the evening when that particular future rocket scientist is playing DJ. 

Jeff Gladstone and Shekhar Paleja walk around Commercial Drive in East Vancouver. They talk about Hindu nationalism, the demise of Vancouver TheatreSports, and identity politics. Then they run into my old friend Pippa Kouwenhoven.  This episode of Walkie Talkie is brought to you by Uber. There’s a good reason your next Uber ride is half the price of a taxi cab. That’s because your driver isn’t being remunerated fairly. No benefits, no job security plus your driver has to pay for the car, the gas, and the upkeep. Uber! German for a s****y job that people take because they’ve run out of choices. 

Today on Walkie Talkie comedians Dylan Rhymer and Simon King walk under Iron Worker's Memorial Bridge on the border of East Vancouver and Burnaby. Ooh, borderlands! What's gonna happen? Well, technical difficulties happen but our intrepid walkers reconvene at Trout Lake near Broadway and Commercial and run into -- wait for it -- John C. Reilly! What a walk! What a talk!   Don't forget that I love youuuuuuuu! JB

Today on Walkie Talkie I once more do not walk anywhere. Instead Riel from Vancouver levies not one but four complaints about lawn care implements before I read you a personal essay on the time I was making adult diaper commercials in Romania and we went to Dracula's Castle.  Love youuuuuuuu! JB

On this episode I leave you my eulogy. I'm not planning on dying anytime soon but you never know. Besides, I can't trust anyone else to write something as well as I can. They don't know my life. But they will know my death.  I am preparing for death. It happens all the time. Why can't I get my head around it? Consider this me practicing.  Love youuuuuuuu, JB

This episode I'm doing something different. Two complaints and then a longish-form read. It's a personal essay I wrote about the time I was in the park with some kids having recently macrodosed on mushrooms.  Paul from Calgary calls in and talks about how the world is built for average people except no one is really average. And Joel from Meaford ON calls in to complain about February. Thanks for listening. Love youuuuuu!

Today I walk around my bedroom and field complaints from both West Vancouver and an undisclosed location in Russia. But before that I talk on and on about sleeping pills, not exercising, Midnight Diner and how loud I am.  Get in touch either with a complaint (not necessarily about me but whatever) or a comment at [email protected].  Thanks for listening.  Love youuuuuuuu, JB

Today actor Sara Bynoe and writer Dina Del Bucchia walk the outskirts of the West End of  Vancouver to the large duck pond called Lost Lagoon. You used to be able to skate on it. Sara and Dina talk about relationships, reading and walking.  IG     @sarabynoe           @delbauchery Feel free to reach out to my new service The Complaint Department. Send me a voice memo complaint of 30-60 seconds in length to [email protected] and I'll play it on the next episode and I'll commiserate with you. Consider it therapy. You're doing great. And I ... Love youuuuuuuuuu!  JB

Guest host Riel Hahn walks and talks with her friend Em around Stanley Park in Vancouver.  Inarguably Canada's greatest outdoor urban green space is in beautiful Vancouver. (Beautiful when it's not raining. A nightmare of misery and sadness the rest of the time.)  Topics discussed include: drum circles, therapy and babies dressed as hunters. Thanks for listening. I ... love youuuuuuuuu!