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Greetings, sweaty and curly listeners, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, back from another unexpected Mark Mitchell eruption to discuss a tale of moderately false advertising. When your thumbnail is a screaming, Lawnmower Man-esque VR nightmare, one kind of assumes that to be the general idea of the story. Well, if you assume you make an ass out of u and Mark Mitchell because it’s a bodyswap episode! Typically done to explore themes of perspective and empathy, witness as Round the Twist innovates by not bothering to do that. Instead, we’re left to wonder where all the sweaty, curly men went; whether carnies own rats or if it’s the other way around; and if anyone can really understand what it’s like to be in the wrong skin. All this and some unfortunately phallic letters from the encrusted members we call fans.

Greetings—or should that be “how’s it hanging?”—it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, back for another spin ‘Round the Twist that puts the “oo” in doozy. We’ve joked so much about shirtless teen boys that the series has upped the ante with actual child penis. But fear not, it’s no ordinary penis! This one’s ginger, but it also spins after an accidental fish swallowing gifting its Bronsony host with powers most astounding. Are aquarium staff specifically trained to not look at child penises? How does a foreskin affect drag? Has watching this made us accessories to something? All this and questions from the spun meat we call fans.  

Hwæt and lo, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here to conquer your minds and pillage your hearts with another Round the Twist episode. But what if this did not contain talk of such an episode? That’s the puzzle at the heart of The Viking Book of Love that contains lots of Vikings and a scant few seconds of the eponymous book, which actually makes sense given the plot is almost non-existent. Can Linda hone her serialised moments down to a 3-second nub? Did Vikings really have horns? Can you re-gift a love slave? All this and letters from the trembling berserkers we call fans.  

It’s season three which means all new faces for your recently re-accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, to get used to. But fear not, as the episode’s subject matter will make new faces seem as familiar as the mysterious barcode birthmarks on the undersides of all Australian feet. Speaking of traumatic experiences we all refuse to speak about, this story begins with Pete finding love by urinating with baffling force onto a very pleased girl and it only gets more troubling from there. Will Pete learn anything about responsibility? Is new Bronson as annoying as his previous incarnations or are his threats to impregnate his step-mother too distracting? Is there only one Linda, kept young through a mix of drugs and abuse? All this and letters from the puddles of kept afterbirth we call fans.  

Avert your eyes, you ill-bred work-shirkers, lest your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, blind you with the thrilling-ish conclusion to season two of Round the Twist. Two ghosts use lightning powers to bodyjack the lighthouse occupants in a desperate attempt to stop other ghosts from ghost dying by real lighting a lighthouse. And they may as well borrow some bodies as there’re dozens to spare in a building as awkwardly packed as the plot. Is a re-engagement announcement a thing? Will Jeremiah pay for his ghost crimes? Ever scream with a Gribble in the pale moonlight? All this and letters from the genetic bilge we call fans.

Ahoy, you homeless barrel-wearers, it’s your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, with some hot investment advice. Are you tired of losing your money in crypto? Of course you are! Might we suggest investing your baby’s food money in GOAT! Yes, GOAT! Just look at this testimonial episode from Bronson here as he discovers the amazing ROI of GOAT, a 200% gain! Sure, all you have to do is claw through its faeces like an OCD fetishist, but it’s that or actual fetish work, so get to pinching. Are cockatoo miracles more stable than electric money? Does Bronson count as a pump-n-dump? What’s up with that police officer? All this and letters from the flyswatter detritus we call fans.    

Greetings, boys and GHOULS, it’s your Una-crypt-ed Australians, Gort and Amityville, here for another terra-fying story of southern spooks. Punk’s not dead, it’s just stuck haunting one of Australia’s Heritage listed brutalist toilet blocks. Meanwhile, Snapper has written another play designed to let him watch children make out, which is fine with Pete who wants to suck the neck of the girl he’s already dating, and also fine with Gribble who seeks to usurp Pete’s position. Watch these two stories collide in an explosion of juvenile bum-cheeks and the realisation that the only god is bureaucracy. Can nobody label switches? What’s wrong with Bronson? Would you leave a screaming child locked in a concrete fortress/toilet? All this and letters from the tiny, green toilet goblins we call fans.  

Today your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, along with your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, team up to witness a mushroom story that would have been silly before Star Trek Discovery. Gribble plans to put a plastic casino forest, which sounds like a Sonic stage, on top of an existing forest, which sounds like a Sonic plot. The only thing stopping him is the possible existence of Yuckles, a fungus with a secret. Why would they threaten us with two Bronsons? How are Pete’s testicles doing? Would anyone watch my remake of The Thing featuring Bronson? All this and too many letters from our audience because their cages were improperly secured.

Fan of Game of Thrones? Good news! This week, your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, find themselves stuck to an episode of Round the Twist that actively endorses incest. Our sweet, innocent minds were certain this puberty-tackling plot was simply going to settle for a frozen love doll, but why do that when you can dive headfirst into cousin-bonking. Awkwardly squirm along with your hosts as they endure an episode brave enough to completely forgo subtext. Is Snapper in a cardigan the Ultimate Male? Can Gribble’s political ambitions survive a caricature so gentle it gives him better hair? Will anyone face charges for the dream sequences in this episode? All this and no letters from our audience because we recorded this one on time!  

Wake up! Race downstairs! Check beneath the Jacaranda tree growing through your floor for your traditional Ausmas gift of eyeballs! Such is the power of representation that your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, veer closer to re-accreditation during the episode, “Grampa’s Gifts”. Loosely based on Australia’s oldest cultural tradition (thirty-five this year), this episode crams a lot into a small space and trims a bit to get it to fit. Is it safe to wake a sleepwalking fruit-picker? Do foxes even eat lemons? Would you sell Bronson to slavers to save your marriage, or would you just do it for fun? All this and letters produced by remote viewers peering into the minds of our only technically human fans.  

OVIPOSITORS! Now that I’ve got your attention I can also tell you that your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, have also got Bronson’s attention with that loud interjection. And it’s attention we desperately need, if we’re ever to get our accreditation back, as the episode Smelly Feat sticks the landing better than we could ever have predicted. What could possibly validate feet so feral they look like they’re made out of goanna foreskin? An important event that just so happens to coincide with the marriage of Tony and Fay. How will Bronson choose between something important to him and helping his dad get laid? Did Tony waste his life on art when he could have been a successful cake decorator? Is a submarine the opposite of a lighthouse? All these questions possibly answered as well as letters from our audience that make you glad you’re not them.  

WARNING! Until re-accreditation, your Unaccredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, qualify as trash. It is most likely due to this that we were wrenched toward Sloppy Jalopy, an episode of Round the Twist as sloppy as the titular jalopy. Leaning into the great Australian literary tradition of having dumps explain everything, magic earrings attract garbage and if you dare ask why you’ll be subjected to 3 hours of the Farting Tube. A better question would be, why are children allowed to get their ears pierced in Port Neranda? Will Nell win the election or will they break Bonson’s legs and give the job to him? Should we add more words that rhyme with “sloppy” or eliminate the ones that exist? All this and the kinds of emails that we can only assume mean one of us has a magic earring somewhere on their person.